FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Emotional Detachment and NSA

Emotional Detachment and NSA

By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Something that's cropped up in a few conversations I've had lately is the subject of how easy it is to become emotionally detached in this lifestyle, and not to allow emotions get the better of you - not necessarily "feelings" as such, more things like jealousy, envy etc when someone you've met meets others.

Some people seem to move with ease from one swinging partner to the next without the slightest concern, others can get quite emotionally involved, green eyed and quite lamp post pissy.

So how do you deal with it? Are you able to separate NSA and emotions or do lines get blurred?

For me, my bubble theory serves me well, the concept being when you meet, you step into a bubble with that person and while you're in it, you're with that person completely, but aware and respectful of life outside it, at the end of the meet you go your separate ways with a smile, close the bubble door behind you till the next time you meet (if it's to be), and move on to other bubbles you each may step into - maintaining contact via messages etc in between.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I am just very good at closing doors in life. Had to do it for self protection when I was younger, now it is useful.

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"I am just very good at closing doors in life. Had to do it for self protection when I was younger, now it is useful."

Interesting and yes I guess life experience (good or bad) does play its part and glad that what sounds like a bad experience when you were younger has been turned into something of good use now

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I wear my heart on my sleeve and struggl to separate things emotionally. I am getting better at this though.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I am just very good at closing doors in life. Had to do it for self protection when I was younger, now it is useful.

Interesting and yes I guess life experience (good or bad) does play its part and glad that what sounds like a bad experience when you were younger has been turned into something of good use now

I refused to allow the past to rule my life, I see it on a positive way in that it made me who I am, and I didn't turn out too bad

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By *wingfellowMan over a year ago

my own little sanctuary

I find it’s quite commonly necessary, mostly because I’m naturally very passionate and giving in the moment and it is just that. A moment.

The problem lies in that some people’s reason for being here is a lack of that passion and attentiveness to their needs emotionally and/or otherwise so sometimes it becomes a benchmark for what they feel they require and thus attachment forms on their end.

Don’t get me wrong it’s not like this with a good proportion of people on here but there’s a good proportion it does apply to.

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By *uzzy NavelWoman over a year ago

so near and yet so far....

I need a connection to have sex with someone, I find if they get me then all is good, and I can do the bubble effect and we become great friends, the problem is normally, the sex changes and doesn’t become exciting anymore so we become vanilla friends

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By *eeleyWoman over a year ago

Dudley

If it's just a one off fuck or even a regular fuck that I don't particularly have much in common with, it's easy for me to just leave it as sex.

If it's someone ive got to know and got close to then it's difficult to not feel something for them. That's when it gets rough and complicated lol.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I find NSA easy and i never get to close to guys i meet even if they become friends. Im never jealous when guys iv met then meet others. Thats what swinging is for me.

I have a husband for the emotional stuff

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"I wear my heart on my sleeve and struggl to separate things emotionally. I am getting better at this though. "

I think it can to an extent be a learning process when you step into *this* life for sure - which is why I'm glad I came up with my "bubble" thing fairly early on - as it helped frame things and put them into perspective

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By *naswingdressWoman over a year ago

Manchester (she/her)

I think it depends on a lot of things for me. Sometimes I'm completely and utterly detached, I just move on. Physically it was good (or not), end of story.

It can be more complicated for me when I develop friendship. I've never let it go further than that, but the shades of grey at the edges can be dangerous. You have to be really clear with each other about expectations and work out how upfront other people are willing to be with you. People read things in that aren't there (it's a risk I'm aware of myself) or sometimes even manipulate.

I've made mistakes, I keep learning, but I know that mistakes are part of the learning process. I just try to minimise fallout/ drama when it happens.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My mental health means I feel emotions more intensely than most and quite often have to deal with negative emotions when I'm not in a good place. But the flip side is, when I am in a good place I feel positive emotions more intensely than most. So when I'm in a bad place I'll take a step back and when I'm in a good place I try to make the most of it.

I like your 'bubble theroy G-man, it makes sense

Fuzz

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think your bubble theory is perfect. And it pops if they try encroach too much on life outside if it, or become needy. My problem is probably being too detached, it's caused me problems in relationships as I don't really get jealous at all, which made it seem like I didn't care.

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By *eliWoman over a year ago

I embrace my feelings and don't necessarily see them as a thing that shouldn't be. They are natural.

The very rare occasion I do feel jealous (and it's happened once in several years) I question why that actually arose. Is it insecurity about some aspect? Feeling less self worth rather than a true reflection of the actual situation? I can fix that and do. I love some of the people I've met through fab and I guess for me it's not an issue.

I don't know if I subscribe to the bubble theory. It sounds niceish but for me I don't switch off caring/liking a person because they aren't balls deep in me. I do compartmentalise to some extent and understand what it's trying to explain.

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By *eliWoman over a year ago

"I find it’s quite commonly necessary, mostly because I’m naturally very passionate and giving in the moment and it is just that. A moment.

Don’t get me wrong it’s not like this with a good proportion of people on here but there’s a good proportion it does apply to. "

Yes, there really is. I've known of numerous times over the years where one person reacts in a jealous/possessive manner etc. I think it's how it is dealt with that's the important thing - I'm all for people accepting/acknowledging those things as long as it doesn't have a negative impact on others.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I like your description about entering a bubble. We are all human with feelings and emotions and sometimes I do feel a little envious if someone I have met, and enjoyed moves on. But it soon passes as we are all here to share each other, unless one is looking for a partner. I definitely don't do jealousy and I want the people I meet to have as much fun as me.

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By *wingfellowMan over a year ago

my own little sanctuary

"I embrace my feelings and don't necessarily see them as a thing that shouldn't be. They are natural.

I think regardless of how well we compartmentalise which is definitely a skill that’s required in this lifestyle (in my opinion) there’s always someone with the personality to walk straight in to your deepest emotions. I can attest to that, but I know you have to be exceptionally honest with yourself and figure that stuff out before applying yourself or blocking emotion.

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By *irlintheRedRed dressWoman over a year ago

Over the rainbow

As someone who has a serious mental health condition this is something I struggle with. Im very emotional but its extreme emotions so I go from one end of scale to other.

With some guys I can happily just fuck them and wave goodbye but there have been a couple that have got under my skin and into my head and its really not good for mentally.

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By *eeleyWoman over a year ago

Dudley

"My mental health means I feel emotions more intensely than most and quite often have to deal with negative emotions when I'm not in a good place. But the flip side is, when I am in a good place I feel positive emotions more intensely than most. So when I'm in a bad place I'll take a step back and when I'm in a good place I try to make the most of it.

I like your 'bubble theroy G-man, it makes sense

Fuzz"

Totally agree with this, the highs can be amazing but the lows can really mess with your head

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

Over our years on fab it's become clear to me that we're (or at least the way I represent us in the forum) perceived as cold or at least lacking in emotion. The fact is that we're just able to separate genuine, deep emotion from the transient connections that are often part of swinging. Of course if we become good friends with someone we've met things change.

We both have very sensitive bull shit detectors and smoke alarms positioned appropriately

. We approach swinging as a unit rather than individually, cut one of us we both bleed and I think that's what makes it possible for us to separate a connection that's built up over nearly 40 years from the shallow connection built up over one or two meetings and a few dozen messages. I'm not knocking it in any way, I'm just very clear on the difference.

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By *wingfellowMan over a year ago

my own little sanctuary

"As someone who has a serious mental health condition this is something I struggle with. Im very emotional but its extreme emotions so I go from one end of scale to other.

With some guys I can happily just fuck them and wave goodbye but there have been a couple that have got under my skin and into my head and its really not good for mentally. "

I think falling into gemini’s Eloquently termed ‘bubble’ is detrimental in that aspect. It’s Definitely essential to be a bit sporadic as oppose to impulsive and try to apply grounding techniques to mitigate some of the fluctuations regarding your emotions. That’s generally what I consciously try to do although it’s never a sure fire thing. Far from it in truth but I can certainly relate to you on this one as I too suffer... I’m just fortunate in that I’ve found someone who does take all my feelings into consideration and helps me stay grounded.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I am good a compartmentalising. I have different friends who live in different boxes in my life, and not all of these boxes can intermingle. One thing that is good about this site is you know what people are up for as opposed in the dating world you could fall in love with someone when they just want fun.

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"If it's just a one off fuck or even a regular fuck that I don't particularly have much in common with, it's easy for me to just leave it as sex.

If it's someone ive got to know and got close to then it's difficult to not feel something for them. That's when it gets rough and complicated lol.

I think the key is being able to separate genuinely liking and being close to someone and feeling any kind of commitment or sense of possessiveness towards them - kind of an emotionally attached detachment if you like - which I know is a contradiction but it makes sense in my head

I think it's entirely feasible to have feelings for someone without necessarily anything more if you know how to handle those feelings and not let them consume you (unless you both want them to of course).

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"I think it depends on a lot of things for me. Sometimes I'm completely and utterly detached, I just move on. Physically it was good (or not), end of story.

I've made mistakes, I keep learning, but I know that mistakes are part of the learning process. I just try to minimise fallout/ drama when it happens. "

I think the central part of that is the key - the communication and both being on the same page in terms of what you are looking for and expectations etc - being open and honest goes a long way, as does respecting each others position.

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"If it's just a one off fuck or even a regular fuck that I don't particularly have much in common with, it's easy for me to just leave it as sex.

If it's someone ive got to know and got close to then it's difficult to not feel something for them. That's when it gets rough and complicated lol.

Yeah it's just acknowledging that you like someone but their actions and life are not yours to control or have any influence over.

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By *adyinred696969Couple over a year ago

Brecon

Its easier for us as a couple, because we have our emotional needs invested in one another, so don't have the potential for others to "fill the void" as it were.

However, we do become fond of some people, some friendships go beyond swinging and become real in the vanilla world too.

Jealousy isn't an issue as we are able to compartmentalize swinging, real life and friendships, and each one has a place, without them overlapping.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Hmmm I've met people that I've pretty much patted on the back and given them the thumbs up "give her one from me" kinda thing and genuinely wanted them to have an amazing time.

There have been other times when I've not felt jealous as such, but more protective.

For me part of it is the who they're meeting.

I admit I've felt cast aside if we've become what I consider good mates and they've not told me about the meet, not that it's got anything to do with me, but more of a "I thought we shared this shiz" kinda thing.

Getting back to the OP and my situation now. I think that's why I prefer club meets at the minute with B, as there's no bonding as such, no opportunity to get too close. It gets left at the door and that's that.

Events that have happened on and off fab have taught me that not everyone is what they seem and their intentions/motives may not be what they portray them to be. I don't want that kind of behaviour around me or in our inbox, and most certainly not in my home.

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By *adMerWoman over a year ago

Sandwich

I never get jealous even with long term partners.

When I am having regular sex with the same person I can start feeling a bit loved up but I know it’s just my seratonin levels. It wears off pretty quickly.

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Who said anything about switching off liking someone just because you're no longer in the bubble with them? As I said in between times you still maintain contact and have memories of what happened inside the bubble, you're just not physically "with" that person and have no attachment to them as such when you're outside of it.

It may not work for everyone but it certainly frames how I manage things.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was able until i wasnt

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I am good a compartmentalising. I have different friends who live in different boxes in my life, and not all of these boxes can intermingle. One thing that is good about this site is you know what people are up for as opposed in the dating world you could fall in love with someone when they just want fun."

Believe me that can still happen here!

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"Over our years on fab it's become clear to me that we're (or at least the way I represent us in the forum) perceived as cold or at least lacking in emotion. The fact is that we're just able to separate genuine, deep emotion from the transient connections that are often part of swinging. Of course if we become good friends with someone we've met things change.

We both have very sensitive bull shit detectors and smoke alarms positioned appropriately

I agree and to an extent I think it's a lot easier for couples such as yourselves to detach and separate things - you have each other after all, so emotions are a lot easier to keep in check.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

We both have very sensitive bull shit detectors and smoke alarms positioned appropriately

I wanna be like you when I grow up

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By *eliWoman over a year ago

"Who said anything about switching off liking someone just because you're no longer in the bubble with them? As I said in between times you still maintain contact and have memories of what happened inside the bubble, you're just not physically "with" that person and have no attachment to them as such when you're outside of it.

It may not work for everyone but it certainly frames how I manage things."

A bubble to me is more closed off. I still have attachment to a copule I've met, even when I'm outside the bubble. I'm not sure - I think sometimes I have more of a poly leaning. I can see it's helped you frame things though and that's really good.

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By *eliWoman over a year ago

*couple. Fab should have a edit button.

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"Hmmm I've met people that I've pretty much patted on the back and given them the thumbs up "give her one from me" kinda thing and genuinely wanted them to have an amazing time.

There have been other times when I've not felt jealous as such, but more protective.

For me part of it is the who they're meeting.

Oh I certainly think club meets are far easier to detach and as you say leave at the club door when you part - basically because they are, for the most part, spur of the moment things rather than built up via messaging, chemistry and connection that you find through a Fab meet.

And yes there are *some* who are very good at saying one thing but meaning another and can be incredibly possessive and as I said lamp post pissy around.

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By *a LunaWoman over a year ago

South

“So how do you deal with it? Are you able to separate NSA and emotions or do lines get blurred?”

I was thinking about this today, as i have a meet with someone tonight i’ve met on a few occassions previously.

I tend to like someone a lot, think i fancy them, act a bit weird, then go off the boil really quickly and realise i don’t fancy them, and then it’s all normal service resumed and can have nsa fun with them like it’s nothing. I don’t know why this happens. It’s usually because they do something that makes it apparent they’re not really for me, but they are ok in the short term.

BUT that said, i don’t want to hear about other women. Some folk like to play you off against each other but i find that a massive turn off.

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By *oldyoudown41Man over a year ago

caledonian

I can separate the two easily, but need to be attracted to someone before I get all giggy giggy

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By *ily WhiteWoman over a year ago

OP, do you think that you are better able to do this because you are in a relationship? In essence, do you think you would be more likely to become attached to someone you met if you were single and not already having your emotional needs met in a relationship?

Personally, although I am very fond of some people that I have met and had that connection with, i'm able to compartmentalise as i'm generally quite an emotionally 'hard' person.

I think at the end of the day it all boils down to two things:

Your personal circumstances - if you're already in a relationship, happily single, lonely and looking for love.

How you process feelings and emotions - people react differently to different circumstances, be that because of past life experiences, upbringing, or a whole myriad of other reasons.

The fact remains that some people on here will have feelings of jealousy, and sometimes people behave in a less than pleasant manner because of those feelings. I accept that they don't have total control over their feelings, but everybody has control over their own behaviour.

Sorry, that's a rather rambling reply

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By *acey_RedWoman over a year ago

Liverpool

I quite like the way you describe it.

I know that for myself I enjoy the time I spend with different people in different ways and value them as an individual. Spending time with one person doesn't take away from my enjoyment of spending time with another. Anyone who I choose to spend my free time with it is for a good reason. So basically as I know that is how my experience is, I know that is how it can be for others. If someone loses interest in spending time with me for whatever reason that is usually down to an incompatibility with me. That doesn't make others they continue to spend time with better or worse. Perhaps more compatible for that individual though. It can suck when someone moves on but it only opens up the opportunity for you to find others you gel with better.

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

We both have very sensitive bull shit detectors and smoke alarms positioned appropriately

I wanna be like you when I grow up

that's a nice thing to say, thank you.

I think you should aim higher

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

We both have very sensitive bull shit detectors and smoke alarms positioned appropriately

I agree and to an extent I think it's a lot easier for couples such as yourselves to detach and separate things - you have each other after all, so emotions are a lot easier to keep in check."

Is it a case of keeping emotions in check or just being realistic about what the possibilities are?

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"“So how do you deal with it? Are you able to separate NSA and emotions or do lines get blurred?”

I was thinking about this today, as i have a meet with someone tonight i’ve met on a few occassions previously.

BUT that said, i don’t want to hear about other women. Some folk like to play you off against each other but i find that a massive turn off.

I think it can be quite easy to get caught up in that first excited flurry of messages, finding someone "new" that takes your fancy and then things settle a little and "nomalise".

And yeah the hearing about other people is a tough one - kind of you don't want your nose rubbed in it. I think what you share comes down to individual "relationships" and what you are both comfortable with - to my mind who/when someone I've met is meeting others is none of my business unless it somehow impacts me (which it shouldn't).

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By *adMerWoman over a year ago

Sandwich

"“So how do you deal with it? Are you able to separate NSA and emotions or do lines get blurred?”

I was thinking about this today, as i have a meet with someone tonight i’ve met on a few occassions previously.

BUT that said, i don’t want to hear about other women. Some folk like to play you off against each other but i find that a massive turn off.

I LOVE hearing about other women. That such a massive turn on!

If I thought they were trying to make me jealous and playing head games though that would just be a goodbye.

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By *acey_RedWoman over a year ago

Liverpool

Having read some more of the comments I think I've misinterpreted the bubble thing. To me it's not about shutting off when you leave that bubble. In fact it's the opposite. In a way I shut off when I enter the bubble and my focus is on enjoying my time with that person. I guess maybe other might not like the thought that if someone they have met meets someone else that during that time their focus is on that other person and it's not really about you but that doesn't really bother me as long as I know when we are in our bubble it is the same and is something we are both enjoying. I'm not saying that I forget about or stop considering other people when with others. When you care about people you do think about them and they can come up in conversation. I mean more that the time I spend with each person is "our time".

Though I may be viewing this from a different perspective as a polyamorous person.

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By *eeleyWoman over a year ago

Dudley

"If it's just a one off fuck or even a regular fuck that I don't particularly have much in common with, it's easy for me to just leave it as sex.

If it's someone ive got to know and got close to then it's difficult to not feel something for them. That's when it gets rough and complicated lol.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

With most people I fuck I'm perfectly happy having our fun then just getting on with things til our next encounter. Very occasionally someone will get under my skin and then I either take a step back or give my head a wobble. I'm not looking for a relationship but sometimes someone just smacks you in the feels button lol.

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"Having read some more of the comments I think I've misinterpreted the bubble thing. To me it's not about shutting off when you leave that bubble. In fact it's the opposite. In a way I shut off when I enter the bubble and my focus is on enjoying my time with that person. I guess maybe other might not like the thought that if someone they have met meets someone else that during that time their focus is on that other person and it's not really about you but that doesn't really bother me as long as I know when we are in our bubble it is the same and is something we are both enjoying. I'm not saying that I forget about or stop considering other people when with others. When you care about people you do think about them and they can come up in conversation. I mean more that the time I spend with each person is "our time".

Though I may be viewing this from a different perspective as a polyamorous person."

I don't think you have - the bubble thing is open to individual interpretation and application but in its simplest form it just a means to separate out different meets and situations/circumstances regardless of levels of emotional attachment

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

I agree and to an extent I think it's a lot easier for couples such as yourselves to detach and separate things - you have each other after all, so emotions are a lot easier to keep in check.

Is it a case of keeping emotions in check or just being realistic about what the possibilities are?"

Maybe a mix of the two in some ways

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I am just very good at closing doors in life. Had to do it for self protection when I was younger, now it is useful.

Interesting and yes I guess life experience (good or bad) does play its part and glad that what sounds like a bad experience when you were younger has been turned into something of good use now

I refused to allow the past to rule my life, I see it on a positive way in that it made me who I am, and I didn't turn out too bad

I always say “it’s my story not my baggage”. Plus if you redirect it to serve you well, that just shows your resilience!

- Mrs

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By *eliWoman over a year ago

I'd agree with you on that and the OP's further clarification about it being down to different interpretations.

I'm much like you; when I'm with someone they have my focus and I expect the same in return. I also expect people to meet others and their focus to be on that person - in a sense I'd find it almost a bit rude if it wasn't (unless agreed by both parties). Apologies for the tangent OP!

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"OP, do you think that you are better able to do this because you are in a relationship? In essence, do you think you would be more likely to become attached to someone you met if you were single and not already having your emotional needs met in a relationship?

Personally, although I am very fond of some people that I have met and had that connection with, i'm able to compartmentalise as i'm generally quite an emotionally 'hard' person.

I think at the end of the day it all boils down to two things:

Your personal circumstances - if you're already in a relationship, happily single, lonely and looking for love.

How you process feelings and emotions - people react differently to different circumstances, be that because of past life experiences, upbringing, or a whole myriad of other reasons.

Sorry, that's a rather rambling reply

Rambles are always good - especially when making some very good points as you have

You're spot on with individual circumstances and how you handle emotions being the key and I think, albeit subconsciously, that is where my bubble thing came from as a means of framing my own personal perspective around all *this* and almost building my own compartments by doing so.

You're also right on the mark about people having control over their behaviour too - it's one thing having feelings, keeping them in check is where there's a fine line that shouldn't be crossed, but often is.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Nope. Fab made me realise I can’t do total NSA and I definitely can’t share. It’s me or the rest. I realise I’m in the minority but that’s the way I am. I’m always honest about it though, I don’t lead people on and I don’t do jealousy I just walk away. Not had any issues though. I can, however do total NSA with women. I’m a strange one. But we all know that anyway

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"Nope. Fab made me realise I can’t do total NSA and I definitely can’t share. It’s me or the rest. I realise I’m in the minority but that’s the way I am. I’m always honest about it though, I don’t lead people on and I don’t do jealousy I just walk away. Not had any issues though. I can, however do total NSA with women. I’m a strange one. But we all know that anyway

And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that - as you say you're open and honest about what you want, are expecting and are looking for and that is the key

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Though I may be viewing this from a different perspective as a polyamorous person."

Having re-read this I think we might actually be saying the same thing just in different ways - if I've interpreted you right you mean you shut off the outside world when you enter the bubble and focus on enjoying time with the person in that bubble - that's exactly how I see it too

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

This thread is so interesting! I've just bought Christopher Ryan's, Sex at Dawn and I can't wait to start reading as I think it'll discuss the same themes.

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By *atricia ParnelWoman over a year ago

In a town full of colours

I am a poly and am able to emotionally detach very easily when I want to, I will speak to all my friend meets on a daily basis and we chat about personal stuff as well, I do care and feel protective of them as they do me, but we all happily meet other people and encourage that, the key is honesty and openness if a feeling is surfacing we talk about it, reaffirm why we meet each other and whether we need to change certain aspects of our meet to help.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

NSA is easier as a couple. I don't do it as a single.

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By *hilloutMan over a year ago

All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest

I'm fortunate that I can compartmentalize very well. That doesn't mean I can't have feelings of affection and friendship for people i've met here and indeed this is usually the case. Outside of a club environment, I won't have sex with anyone without appreciating them for the person they are. I feel this isn't possible if one has a complete or significant emotional detachment.

I often times can be very affectionate with people I appreciate but don't permit that affection to progress to something deeper on an emotional level. That doesn't mean things could change with the right person or if my frame of mind shifts to a different place. At the moment, i'm very content with meeting people for sex and developing a friendly relationship with them. Even if I stop meeting them for sex, for my part, the friendship remains

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

We both have very sensitive bull shit detectors and smoke alarms positioned appropriately

spot on

i think couples who have been together for a while deal with it differently ..

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By *affron40Woman over a year ago

manchester

Nope.. I cant do it. In order for me to have sex with someone I need an attraction and friendship first. Without the attachment of some form I just can’t function. Probably stems from my background of kink as opposed to swing too, where the level of trust has been required in order to fully appreciate any kind of fun. I kind of like it this way to be honest. It’s how I am and it’s not going to change so I’ll roll with it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"NSA is easier as a couple. I don't do it as a single.

I’m the same, can do it with a partner and not be jealous but not as a singer person.

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"I am a poly and am able to emotionally detach very easily when I want to, I will speak to all my friend meets on a daily basis and we chat about personal stuff as well, I do care and feel protective of them as they do me, but we all happily meet other people and encourage that, the key is honesty and openness if a feeling is surfacing we talk about it, reaffirm why we meet each other and whether we need to change certain aspects of our meet to help.

Absolutely - honesty, openness and communication are the key elements to any kind of relationship that is at more than a very superficial level

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By *ophieslutTV/TS over a year ago

Central

I live fairly in the moment, fully appreciating what I have at any time. If I notice that I have some emotional stirring that doesn't fit a mutual desire for attachment, I generally like to deal with it and let go. I've chosen a no strings attached approach because it works really well. Me life is pretty full, so a dropped fb can be a fantastic way to open up new doors or get more rest.

If you are self-aware and observant - as well as willing to be able to take what may be tough decisions, you can prosper.

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"I'm fortunate that I can compartmentalize very well. That doesn't mean I can't have feelings of affection and friendship for people i've met here and indeed this is usually the case. Outside of a club environment, I won't have sex with anyone without appreciating them for the person they are. I feel this isn't possible if one has a complete or significant emotional detachment.

Yes and maybe my use of 'emotional detachment' was a poor choice of words - because that connection and chemistry is key, and they can't exist without some level of emotion, or as you say affection.

What I meant was more the 'emotional detachment' of things like not getting possessive or jealous because someone you've met is meeting others or because they flirt with someone else on the forums. Maybe the difference between getting "the feels" and "affection" - which is a great way to put it Sir

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"Nope.. I cant do it. In order for me to have sex with someone I need an attraction and friendship first. Without the attachment of some form I just can’t function. Probably stems from my background of kink as opposed to swing too, where the level of trust has been required in order to fully appreciate any kind of fun. I kind of like it this way to be honest. It’s how I am and it’s not going to change so I’ll roll with it. "

And again nothing at all wrong with that - same as Nora really, the key is being clear and up front about what you want and expect

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By *affron40Woman over a year ago

manchester

And again nothing at all wrong with that - same as Nora really, the key is being clear and up front about what you want and expect"

Very much so. I’m clear as day in my profile and messages so no surprises... I can meet people without strings and have no jealousy of them meetings others after, in the right circumstances. But the level of connection has to be there regardless.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

We haven’t had a problem with emotionally becoming over attached. But being in a couple, we have each other’s needs covered so may be less vulnerable ? I’m not sure. I’m very good at compartmentalising. Mr Cagey is the same.

For us swinging is getting on with others socially in a friendly way, not having to have massive emotional expectations put upon us by others, and just about the sex and fun times.

If others have jealousy issues that we spend time with anyone else that’s not about us but we don’t mind our friends or sex partners sharing their stories with us and cheering each other on and that’s how we think It should be. If anyone seems too attached we quickly lose interest. - Mrs

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"We haven’t had a problem with emotionally becoming over attached. But being in a couple, we have each other’s needs covered so may be less vulnerable ? I’m not sure. I’m very good at compartmentalising. Mr Cagey is the same.

For us swinging is getting on with others socially in a friendly way, not having to have massive emotional expectations put upon us by others, and just about the sex and fun times.

I think the key thing that's being highlighted across the board is emotional needs being met = less issues arising.

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By *hilloutMan over a year ago

All over the place! Northwesr, , Southwest

Yes and maybe my use of 'emotional detachment' was a poor choice of words - because that connection and chemistry is key, and they can't exist without some level of emotion, or as you say affection.

If there's one thing fab has done for me is purge all feelings of jealousy or possessiveness. I don't have them and expect the same from the people I meet

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

If there's one thing fab has done for me is purge all feelings of jealousy or possessiveness. I don't have them and expect the same from the people I meet

Which is as it should be, but something a lot struggle with and I guess what I was getting at with my OP is how people manage to compartmentalise and not get those feelings

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By *ea monkeyMan over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

Interesting thread OP and nice to see you popping one on rather than cameo appearances on others.

I think that there are a number of different things that Ive noticed in my experience and on this thread:

Firstly; it's much easier to detach when you're part of a couple, having your emotional needs fulfilled by your partner makes the definition and lines far clearer. In my experience swinging then becomes about sharing.

Secondly; Poly folks are different creatures swimming in the same pool, I think that emotional attachments are part of the journey.

Finally; The swingles are a strange and fickle bunch, there are a myriad of reasons for them being on here and often lines can become easily blurred, even with clarity and communication. I think that often it's this group which leads to jealous/possessive behaviour.

Quite what I'm trying to say here, I'm not sure but in my case I've found a good way of maintaining distance.

I do also think though that developing feelings for another isn't a bad thing, often love is whispered in a negative way. The only time it's a bad thing is if there are barriers.

If two people are free and able, why not? It only becomes an issue if people are possessive.

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By *acey_RedWoman over a year ago

Liverpool

Though I may be viewing this from a different perspective as a polyamorous person.

Yes that's absolutely what I meant. The time in between they may see other people and enjoy other connections but when it is just us we have each other's focus. It's different with my primary partner as we live together but we still dedicate time to just us.

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"Interesting thread OP and nice to see you popping one on rather than cameo appearances on others.

I think that there are a number of different things that Ive noticed in my experience and on this thread:

Secondly; Poly folks are different creatures swimming in the same pool, I think that emotional attachments are part of the journey.

Quite what I'm trying to say here, I'm not sure but in my case I've found a good way of maintaining distance.

I do also think though that developing feelings for another isn't a bad thing, often love is whispered in a negative way. The only time it's a bad thing is if there are barriers.

If two people are free and able, why not? It only becomes an issue if people are possessive. "

All excellent points as ever and no getting the "feels" doesn't have to be a bad thing at all - nor does, as Chillout put it, feeling "affection" towards someone, even in an NSA context - the key to the first is there being no barriers to it as you say, and the key to the second is being able to manage and contain that affection appropriately.

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By *acey_RedWoman over a year ago

Liverpool

If there's one thing fab has done for me is purge all feelings of jealousy or possessiveness. I don't have them and expect the same from the people I meet

Which is as it should be, but something a lot struggle with and I guess what I was getting at with my OP is how people manage to compartmentalise and not get those feelings "

Agreed. In an ideal world none of us would experience feelings of jealousy or possesiveness but we are all human and the important thing is how you deal with it. Other people are of course perfectly within their right to stop seeing someone if they develop those kinds of feelings but if they are on the milder end of the spectrum and they haven't tried to be controlling as a result, if I like meeting the person I would rather talk it through with them.

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By *acey_RedWoman over a year ago

Liverpool

"Interesting thread OP and nice to see you popping one on rather than cameo appearances on others.

I think that there are a number of different things that Ive noticed in my experience and on this thread:

Secondly; Poly folks are different creatures swimming in the same pool, I think that emotional attachments are part of the journey.

Quite what I'm trying to say here, I'm not sure but in my case I've found a good way of maintaining distance.

I do also think though that developing feelings for another isn't a bad thing, often love is whispered in a negative way. The only time it's a bad thing is if there are barriers.

If two people are free and able, why not? It only becomes an issue if people are possessive. "

Interesting observations.

If I'm going to be a different creature can I be a narwhal?

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By *eliWoman over a year ago

" I do also think though that developing feelings for another isn't a bad thing, often love is whispered in a negative way. The only time it's a bad thing is if there are barriers. "
Yes Tea Monkey! You've expressed it in a clearer way than I did. We've spoken about it in some length but I really think love is seen as being one particular thing but it can take many guises. Esp on a site like this it's a big no no.

If I'm going to be a different creature can I be a narwhal? "

I'd like to be a manticore please and thank you.

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By *ea monkeyMan over a year ago

Manchester (he/him)

"Interesting thread OP and nice to see you popping one on rather than cameo appearances on others.

I think that there are a number of different things that Ive noticed in my experience and on this thread:

Secondly; Poly folks are different creatures swimming in the same pool, I think that emotional attachments are part of the journey.

Quite what I'm trying to say here, I'm not sure but in my case I've found a good way of maintaining distance.

I do also think though that developing feelings for another isn't a bad thing, often love is whispered in a negative way. The only time it's a bad thing is if there are barriers.

If two people are free and able, why not? It only becomes an issue if people are possessive.

Interesting observations.

If I'm going to be a different creature can I be a narwhal? "

Sure, why not!

I was going to talk about Venn diagrams and such things but I thought that phrasing was less cold

Poly is one aspect that I don't have experience of, I understand it from an outsiders perspective but to my mind, it's something you either are or aren't. In my understanding though we all move in the same sea, perhaps a narwhal is fairly appropriate

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Really interesting reading all the comments on this thread! As a couple who have sex with other people I think you have to be able to separate sex and some feelings . I say some because I think in my opinion it brings up different feelings and emotions with different people, there are some you physically connect with and after your time with them you might never be worried about seeing them again, then there are people who you connect with on a different level and you can grow fond of them and have a meaningful relationship without falling head over heels in love with, then there are those who actually have deeper feelings for and they become part of your life for instance we have a couple that we see that we love to bits as friends and can spend a lot of time with but not always sexual , if that makes sense?!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Really interesting reading all the comments on this thread! As a couple who have sex with other people I think you have to be able to separate sex and some feelings . I say some because I think in my opinion it brings up different feelings and emotions with different people, there are some you physically connect with and after your time with them you might never be worried about seeing them again, then there are people who you connect with on a different level and you can grow fond of them and have a meaningful relationship without falling head over heels in love with, then there are those who actually have deeper feelings for and they become part of your life for instance we have a couple that we see that we love to bits as friends and can spend a lot of time with but not always sexual , if that makes sense?!"

Makes perfect sense to me.! Different people in different categories and I think having the security of your partner as “home” allows a free exploration and feelings even without the same attachment as a single.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman over a year ago

little house on the praire

I live in the exact same bubble as you op. When im with a guy i like to think (hope) i make him feel really special. But once they leave its back to normal world. I no longer meet new people so all the guys i see ive known for years and have a great affection for them all but its an affection as i feel for my vanilla friends not a romantic affection. Im not going to fall in love and run off into the sunset with any of them

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yes definitely, everything we have together as a couple is above and beyond anything I could ever wish for and I’m sure D would say the same, so having that security gives us freedom to explore as you say x

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By *pider-WomanWoman over a year ago

Exeter, Bristol, Plymouth, Truro

I'm not interested in being in any bubble for a short period of time with anyone. I didnt need fab for me to know that I'm not just a body people connect with over a few hrs then move on.

If you have to think about choosing me then dont bother. So that's why most of the time I will not bother. Having sex isn't the bee all of my life. I need a high level of trust for my kinks and that's only established over a longer period of time.

This isnt because I'm jealous or insecure etc. I'm a very hard nut to crack when it comes to any emotional attachment. I just think I'm worth more than being just one of many and I wont do so, so I'll walk away.

Im honest on my profile just wish others would also be sometimes.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'm not interested in being in any bubble for a short period of time with anyone. I didnt need fab for me to know that I'm not just a body people connect with over a few hrs then move on.

Im honest on my profile just wish others would also be sometimes.

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

If there's one thing fab has done for me is purge all feelings of jealousy or possessiveness. I don't have them and expect the same from the people I meet

Which is as it should be, but something a lot struggle with and I guess what I was getting at with my OP is how people manage to compartmentalise and not get those feelings

Definitely, and that comes down to how people deal with any feelings of envy or possessiveness or any other emotion for that matter - as you say it's a spectrum and one that is actually, to an extent, part of the learning curve of this lifestyle when you first step into it, or even when meeting someone new - as it can be very much a "thing" that is individual to a specific "relationship" within the lifestyle - those feelings may not always develop with each meet or encounter.

Again as was said earlier - you can't control feelings, but you can control behaviour.

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By *ink Panther.Woman over a year ago

Preston

I think some of the behaviours set out in the OP arise partly because you have non swingers on a swinging site. They have a different mindset than that of a swinger. However I’ve seen swingers displaying the same behaviours when boundaries become blurred. Some people are just not cut out for swinging

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I think some of the behaviours set out in the OP arise partly because you have non swingers on a swinging site. They have a different mindset than that of a swinger. However I’ve seen swingers displaying the same behaviours when boundaries become blurred. Some people are just not cut out for swinging

I also believe that new couples are judged and branded as jealous or not proper swingers when the truth is they're simply learning. I've been branded jealous and controlling, when in reality I was finding my feet.

I just spoken to a friend I've not talked to for far too long, they told me they were giving me and B space which as a new couple we probably needed. It's something that I wholeheartedly agreed with and has solidified that friendship even more, knowing they have my best interests at heart. My respect level has been raised a notch for them.

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By *alandNitaCouple over a year ago

Scunthorpe

I think it is much easier for couples in general.

We have a partner for the loving emotional side of things, swinging is purely physical, even with those we become friends with. There generally needs to be a connection and there certainly has to be attraction but that's about it.

For whatever reason we simply don't get jealous. I like it when other women are interested in my husband, even in vanilla situations.

Nita

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By *acey_RedWoman over a year ago

Liverpool

"Interesting thread OP and nice to see you popping one on rather than cameo appearances on others.

I think that there are a number of different things that Ive noticed in my experience and on this thread:

Secondly; Poly folks are different creatures swimming in the same pool, I think that emotional attachments are part of the journey.

Quite what I'm trying to say here, I'm not sure but in my case I've found a good way of maintaining distance.

I do also think though that developing feelings for another isn't a bad thing, often love is whispered in a negative way. The only time it's a bad thing is if there are barriers.

If two people are free and able, why not? It only becomes an issue if people are possessive.

Interesting observations.

If I'm going to be a different creature can I be a narwhal?

Sure, why not!

I was going to talk about Venn diagrams and such things but I thought that phrasing was less cold

I wasn't being off, I'm just silly

I don't think it's either something you are or aren't. There's something called polyflexible which means you can be happy either way. I totally get where you're going with Venn diagrams. I think non-monogamy is a spectrum to be honest. Anyway I don't want to hijack the OP's post too much

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By *etite HandfulWoman over a year ago

Chester

Its a balancing act as there has to be some emotion or I would stick with the vibrator however you don't want to get to the point of jealousy if your last meet sees someone else. Maintaining a friends with benefits isn't always easy as you really need to like someone and liking them can develop into more.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Im definitely not but I never claimed to be. I googled bi curious one day and this came up. I joined, met a few women, a couple of men and enjoy the forums so decided to stay

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By *acey_RedWoman over a year ago

Liverpool

If there's one thing fab has done for me is purge all feelings of jealousy or possessiveness. I don't have them and expect the same from the people I meet

Which is as it should be, but something a lot struggle with and I guess what I was getting at with my OP is how people manage to compartmentalise and not get those feelings

Again as was said earlier - you can't control feelings, but you can control behaviour."

"You can't control your feelings, but you can control behaviour." THIS is the most important thing for me.

Personally I like to distinguish between envy and jealousy though as I think one is more often harmless. I am envious of my partner's other partner for how well she bruises from impact play compared to me. However I am not jealous. I do not resent her for what she has or fear she will take our partner away because she bruises better. I'm happy for her when she shows off her marks, I just wish I got bruises like that too sometimes

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By *ink Panther.Woman over a year ago

Preston

There will always be a mixture of everything you’ve described within new couples but equally there are those that it’s a mutual decision. They may choose to continue swinging or not depending on the couple. Swing and I are a prime example, we aren’t swingers and were only here for NSA sex. As I said non swingers have a different mindset so we became a couple and didn’t want to continue meeting. It was a mutual decision no coercion or jealousy. Equally you are part of a new couple and are finding your feet. It’s your ‘relationship’ and how you go about it is your business so ignore the criticism, find your feet and enjoy being a couple

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

*** I also believe that new couples are judged and branded as jealous or not proper swingers when the truth is they're simply learning. I've been branded jealous and controlling, when in reality I was finding my feet. ***

*** I just think those types are trying to guilt trip the people into doing something they don't want to. Saying they aren't proper swingers so the person will say they will do X so they don't look daft.

Elite Swingers looking down on everyone else. Probably incredibly insecure on the inside and making a noise about how Genuine Swinger they are to hide the fact they have major issues in themselves/ their failing relationship.

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By *iamondCougarWoman over a year ago

Norfuck! / Lincolnshire

I compartmentalise - club meets.... have a great time and enjoy whilst in the moment

1:1 ... some attract a degree of emotional attachment, some don’t at all

This is my Mr Benn life... through the door I become someone else - and love it!!

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By *ink Panther.Woman over a year ago

Preston

Im definitely not but I never claimed to be. I googled bi curious one day and this came up. I joined, met a few women, a couple of men and enjoy the forums so decided to stay

Me neither as I said above I wanted NSA sex not a relationship but Swing came along and that was that. There’s a place for everyone on the site it’s just a case of meeting those that are right for your mindset. I wanted an emotional connection without the relationship, I found it with ease by being honest about what I wanted. An element of trust was needed although having an excellent bat shit crazy detector helped. Swing was a happy accident that started from nothing, I’ll always have the forum to thank for that

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By *ink Panther.Woman over a year ago

Preston

Let’s not forget the genuine swinging couples on the site that are cheating on each other while coming out with their sanctimonious claptrap

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By *pursChick aka ShortieWoman over a year ago

On a mooch

Interesting topic OP and having read through all the different thoughts. It proves how different we all are dealing with meets and emotions

For me it’s very simple, if I’m going to have sex with someone there has to be an attraction and that is normally built through talking with them and building that connection. That continues up to, during and after the meet.

Through those conversations you can gauge how NSA someone is likely to be. I don’t hide the fact that even though I’m talking to/meeting with them, I will also be talking and meeting with others. Their response is a good filter. I don’t do jealousy or possessiveness and the alarm bells start ringing if I get a hint of that from anyone and I will walk away. I won’t get involved in what I see as school yard or mind games.

When I’m with a meet, it is 100% just me and them enjoying the moment, outside life doesn’t intrude until we return to it.

Of course I have feelings for the individuals I meet, but they are limited to any feelings you would develop for a friend as a normal friendship develops, ie you can care about them and their well-being and and even grow to love some as friends. We can talk honestly about everyday life, as well as flirt, with neither reading anymore in to it..... FAF ?

When together the passion comes to the forefront and you get lost in each other, but it doesn’t cross the line.

I’m single but find it very easy to keep things NSA, I’m not here looking for a relationship. I also understand that things can change and develop naturally, but I believe I’m close enough to my friends that if either or us found ourselves developing different feelings, we would be honest and say so, indeed the same applies if one decided not to meet each other again.

I’m lucky, I’m still in touch with nearly everyone I’ve met (even if it was just the once) and we continue to chat and wish each other well in our pursuits

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Im definitely not but I never claimed to be. I googled bi curious one day and this came up. I joined, met a few women, a couple of men and enjoy the forums so decided to stay

Me neither as I said above I wanted NSA sex not a relationship but Swing came along and that was that. ***There’s a place for everyone on the site it’s just a case of meeting those that are right for your mindset.*** I wanted an emotional connection without the relationship, I found it with ease by being honest about what I wanted. An element of trust was needed although having an excellent bat shit crazy detector helped. Swing was a happy accident that started from nothing, I’ll always have the forum to thank for that

There's no place for honesty, trust or love on here! *shakes head in disgust*

***

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By *ink Panther.Woman over a year ago

Preston

Im definitely not but I never claimed to be. I googled bi curious one day and this came up. I joined, met a few women, a couple of men and enjoy the forums so decided to stay

There's no place for honesty, trust or love on here! *shakes head in disgust*

***

*flounces out of the door slamming it behind me*

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"You can't control your feelings, but you can control behaviour." THIS is the most important thing for me.

I think that is a good and key distinction to make - because they are two very different things - and can have two very different impacts but are often confused.

There's nothing wrong, if it's kept in check, with being envious in a wistful "wish it was me" kind of way and in some ways that adds a level of strength - whereas jealousy, and through that possessiveness, can be an ugly thing.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I think it depends on a lot of things for me. Sometimes I'm completely and utterly detached, I just move on. Physically it was good (or not), end of story.

I've made mistakes, I keep learning, but I know that mistakes are part of the learning process. I just try to minimise fallout/ drama when it happens. "

This really hits home. Many aren’t prepared to have that upfront and transparent though.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

To *be* that upfront and transparent..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I do sometimes get a twinge when someone I feel a particular connection with starts regularly meeting someone else, but that’s for me to manage. What I think is particularly shitty behaviour is when the person concerned senses this and instead of leaving you to manage it, weaponises it against you. Give me a week and I’ll be fine, this is for me to manage.

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By *acey_RedWoman over a year ago

Liverpool

"You can't control your feelings, but you can control behaviour." THIS is the most important thing for me.

I think that is a good and key distinction to make - because they are two very different things - and can have two very different impacts but are often confused.

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By *ntrigued32Couple over a year ago

Nottingham

Obviously we're still very new to the swinging scene and I wouldn't call us swingers as such. But we do invite others into our sex Life. Yet to add a Male...

But...

I have read some of the comments on the thread and I'm really interested in how others deal with their feelings for other fabbers. I don't know what is right or wrong, because this is a completely new experience for us.

So to hear your experiences and opinions and to know that it's normal for some of these feelings is reassuring.

Thank you for sharing.

Jo.Xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I can't do Nsa ,I need an attraction and I certainly can't share I'm honest and upfront about this though

I don't get jealous I just move on

I guess I'm a non swinger on a mostly swingers site

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By *wingfellowMan over a year ago

my own little sanctuary

"Obviously we're still very new to the swinging scene and I wouldn't call us swingers as such. But we do invite others into our sex Life. Yet to add a Male...

But...

So to hear your experiences and opinions and to know that it's normal for some of these feelings is reassuring.

Thank you for sharing.

Jo.Xx

The depth of feelings that are natural vary from person to person, quite similarly to loving someone and having love for them.

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By *rightonsteveMan over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

I’m really good at compartmentalising so can have sex with various people with no envy or jealousy etc. There’s like a mental turn on and then physical sensations.

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By *ntrigued32Couple over a year ago

Nottingham

"Obviously we're still very new to the swinging scene and I wouldn't call us swingers as such. But we do invite others into our sex Life. Yet to add a Male...

But...

So to hear your experiences and opinions and to know that it's normal for some of these feelings is reassuring.

Thank you for sharing.

Jo.Xx

The depth of feelings that are natural vary from person to person, quite similarly to loving someone and having love for them."

Indeed, we're all individuals and no one experience is the same. But it does help to have an understanding of how others react to a similar situation.

Jo.Xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I can't do Nsa ,I need an attraction and I certainly can't share I'm honest and upfront about this though

I don't get jealous I just move on

I guess I'm a non swinger on a mostly swingers site "

Surely NSA is about attraction. NSA can go on for as long as both parties wish for it to go on. NSA is about honesty too.

Or am I getting this NSA lark all wrong

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By *wingfellowMan over a year ago

my own little sanctuary

"Obviously we're still very new to the swinging scene and I wouldn't call us swingers as such. But we do invite others into our sex Life. Yet to add a Male...

But...

So to hear your experiences and opinions and to know that it's normal for some of these feelings is reassuring.

Thank you for sharing.

Jo.Xx

The depth of feelings that are natural vary from person to person, quite similarly to loving someone and having love for them.

Indeed, we're all individuals and no one experience is the same. But it does help to have an understanding of how others react to a similar situation.

Jo.Xx "

Yes do your due diligence before you go breaking hearts Jo

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"Obviously we're still very new to the swinging scene and I wouldn't call us swingers as such. But we do invite others into our sex Life. Yet to add a Male...

But...

So to hear your experiences and opinions and to know that it's normal for some of these feelings is reassuring.

Thank you for sharing.

Jo.Xx

Firstly what is or isn't a swinger isn't defined and anyone that tries to say otherwise is wrong in my opinion - the only real definition is your own.

However the point of the OP was all encompassing however you define your presence and use of the site.

I also don't think there's a right or wrong when it comes to dealing with feelings - only what works for a given "relationship" and individual. For some allowing feelings to creep in is fine and can lead in different directions, for others feelings are a definite no no - as this thread has shown.

The key is that all concerned are on the same page and that, where appropriate, any feelings don't manifest themselves in a negative way, such as jealousy or possessiveness. If those negative things are kept in check and everyone knows where they stand there's nothing wrong with emotions (or as Chillout said earlier "affections") coming into it in my opinion.

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By *iss LovelyWoman over a year ago

Here and There

If I play with someone at a party I have no problem keeping it NSA and I don’t care who else they play with or if I ever see them again. I find it easy to be very detached about it. The downside to that is that I’ve found I rarely have good sex with someone I’ve just met in a club/party. Whilst I know what I’m attracted to physically it’s not usually enough to really turn me on without there being some kind of connection, which is rarely instant for me. I take a bit of time to warm up, so it’s tempting to want to arrange private meets and get to know someone better. But I don’t do that, because I’ve learnt that I have to be careful with my boundaries. If I stray past club sex then I run the risk of not being able to keep it NSA in my mind. So I don’t invite people to my house, no sleep overs, dates, dinner. That’s all muddy water for me. I sometimes wish that I wasn’t like that, and that I could be colder, I think it’d be easier on my heart. But I can’t, so figuring out my boundaries has helped hugely. I know myself a lot better since I’ve been on Fab.

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"Interesting topic OP and having read through all the different thoughts. It proves how different we all are dealing with meets and emotions

When I’m with a meet, it is 100% just me and them enjoying the moment, outside life doesn’t intrude until we return to it.

When together the passion comes to the forefront and you get lost in each other, but it doesn’t cross the line.

I’m lucky, I’m still in touch with nearly everyone I’ve met (even if it was just the once) and we continue to chat and wish each other well in our pursuits

The perfect way to look at it and deal with it and it's definitely possible when you get two people of a similar mindset that find each other and, for me anyway, is where the joy of the site and the "lifestyle" comes to the fore.

That sense of togetherness and freedom to explore, knowing that when you step away from the bubble, pod, space you do so with a smile and a wink and go your separate ways until the next time is a wonderful one when it works.

Add to that the ability to wish each other well (and mean it) if you know they're meeting someone else and you've cracked it.

It's when the petty jealousies and sniping, and as you say school yard behaviours and mind games creep in (usually from others who *think* they know better or *think* they know what is going on) that it gets tedious but then frankly that is their problem to deal with

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"If I play with someone at a party I have no problem keeping it NSA and I don’t care who else they play with or if I ever see them again. I find it easy to be very detached about it. The downside to that is that I’ve found I rarely have good sex with someone I’ve just met in a club/party. Whilst I know what I’m attracted to physically it’s not usually enough to really turn me on without there being some kind of connection, which is rarely instant for me. I take a bit of time to warm up, so it’s tempting to want to arrange private meets and get to know someone better. But I don’t do that, because I’ve learnt that I have to be careful with my boundaries. If I stray past club sex then I run the risk of not being able to keep it NSA in my mind. So I don’t invite people to my house, no sleep overs, dates, dinner. That’s all muddy water for me. I sometimes wish that I wasn’t like that, and that I could be colder, I think it’d be easier on my heart. But I can’t, so figuring out my boundaries has helped hugely. I know myself a lot better since I’ve been on Fab."

And that really is the key - finding what works for you, the individual, and keeps you grounded - can totally relate to the difference between club/party meets and one to one Fab meets too and there is definitely a lot more separation with the former, although for my part whilst I found them a good "quick fix" they left me wanting something "more" too - which is why my meets these days tend to be more in line with my bubble analogy

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By *ineMan over a year ago

In cave behind a waterfall on a hill

Sadly I'm a mere human my emotions have never been detachable, they are as much part of me as my arms and legs.

Sometimes I control them better than others, but that's just life, isnt it?

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"Sadly I'm a mere human my emotions have never been detachable, they are as much part of me as my arms and legs.

Sometimes I control them better than others, but that's just life, isnt it?"

And it's very rare that emotions are completely detachable, as you say it's human nature and non-emotive sex goes against the "norm" to an extent - the key is how you deal with and control those emotions.

I'm not without emotion at all, but I do like Chillout's use of "affection" to describe how you can safely have feelings for someone in this environment

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By *ily WhiteWoman over a year ago

"It's when the petty jealousies and sniping, and as you say school yard behaviours and mind games creep in (usually from others who *think* they know better or *think* they know what is going on) that it gets tedious but then frankly that is their problem to deal with

I agree that it is their problem, but it's the people that their pretty behaviour is aimed at that have to deal with their actions. For stronger willed people it can be as simple as block and move on, but even then it can instigate a change in behaviour such as no longer displaying their verifications to prevent it from happening again. For more sensitive people it can mean a knock to their confidence, or something as drastic as a decision to not meet anymore or to leave the site.

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

Exactly and when any of the latter happens it's of course not only sad, but wrong too - as is often said for a so called liberated and open minded lifestyle it can be very vindictive at times and I personally find that very sad indeed. And have heard too many stories along those lines to know it goes on in certain quarters.

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By *iss LovelyWoman over a year ago

Here and There

When I first came into Fab I had no idea that I’d need to be so careful with my boundaries. Having had FWB arrangements and other casual sex in the past I thought I was well equipped to deal with it. Then I met someone and before I knew it I was way past the NSA line without even realising it had happened. I still see him, we do all the things that I don’t do with anyone else and just deal with the emotional consequences. I’m probably over cautious with my boundaries with others as a result. But it works.

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"When I first came into Fab I had no idea that I’d need to be so careful with my boundaries. Having had FWB arrangements and other casual sex in the past I thought I was well equipped to deal with it. Then I met someone and before I knew it I was way past the NSA line without even realising it had happened. I still see him, we do all the things that I don’t do with anyone else and just deal with the emotional consequences. I’m probably over cautious with my boundaries with others as a result. But it works. "

That's the thing though you can't necessarily countenance against getting the "feels" and they can creep up on you unawares when you least expect them to - the key is how you deal with them when they do. And there is of course nothing wrong with embracing them completely if you are both in agreement and a position to do so - as has been shown on this thread it's also possible to hold an "affection" for someone that goes beyond pure NSA and yet not let emotions override that and translate into petty jealousies and possessiveness - but that will always take open and honest two way communication to achieve.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I have to feel an attraction, and when I'm with that person they have my undivided attention once it's over it's over, I dont feel jealousy as I'm emotionally unavailable, I dont do dates or dinner, no sleep overs no after sex cuddles, a nice cuppa afterwards then I'll be on my way.

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By *erfectly_ImperfectWoman over a year ago

North

Just don’t fuck people you could see yourself dating!

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By *eeleyWoman over a year ago

Dudley

"Just don’t fuck people you could see yourself dating!

Perfect solution!

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By *erfectly_ImperfectWoman over a year ago

North

"Just don’t fuck people you could see yourself dating!

Perfect solution!

100% though sadly it’s meant saying no to a few outstanding men

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By *eal_curves_is_backWoman over a year ago

London

"Just don’t fuck people you could see yourself dating!

Hm... I go for the same type of guy both in and outside the scene, but then I trust myself to blur the lines. I have made some friends through the scene, and they are my real friends now. Jealousy? It happens. The brain is always switched on though.

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By *icecouple561Couple over a year ago
Forum Mod

East Sussex

"Just don’t fuck people you could see yourself dating!

I think a lot of people already do that

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By *erfectly_ImperfectWoman over a year ago

North

"Just don’t fuck people you could see yourself dating!

I think a lot of people already do that "

I’m not surprised it’s a great way to stop those blurred lines

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By *ineMan over a year ago

In cave behind a waterfall on a hill

"Just don’t fuck people you could see yourself dating!

I think a lot of people already do that

I’m not surprised it’s a great way to stop those blurred lines "

And yet blurry can be so enticing...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I like to think as people we meet through swinging as 'friends'.

We have lots of friends in fab land and 'real world' :

Think about real world friends - you might go for drinks with some, or meals with others. You are just totally enjoying that moment in time. Friends could be in other countries or different cities. Do you ever stop to worry about what they are doing 24/7? And who with.

In FABLAND, it is similar. When you meet up it is about 100% in that moment as friends doing what you enjoy doing as friends in this world.

I would hope that people we meet leave our company feeling like friends who would join us again. Being with other people in between just makes them appreciate our bond even more when we pick up where we left off.

Life is too short for jealousy and worry. What eats one person's soul feeds another's.

Happy Friend Fabbing!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think you totally nailed it through your approach of it.

What is the most important to me, is respect. You may be in bubble at the ment of the meet but it doesn't mean you have to cut off communication after the meet (except if the meet had a rotten anus)

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By *emini Man OP Man over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"I like to think as people we meet through swinging as 'friends'.

We have lots of friends in fab land and 'real world' :

In FABLAND, it is similar. When you meet up it is about 100% in that moment as friends doing what you enjoy doing as friends in this world.

Life is too short for jealousy and worry. What eats one person's soul feeds another's.

Happy Friend Fabbing! "

I think that's a really good way to look at it - hadn't thought of it that way before but the "real world friends" analogy is spot on

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My emotions are for my husband..no one else. A sexual connection at the time..yes

Emotionally involved..not at all.

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