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When Someone Shows You...
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
... who they are, believe them the first time.
Dr Maya Angelou
We've all met people who sway us with their words and promises but whose behaviour tells us the opposite. Why do we ignore behaviour in favour of the words and promises?
No names, please, but do share your examples. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think people who feel continually duped/let down/fucked over by others on here would do well to read and think about this.
Sorry, I have no story to share except judging people on behaviour rather than being swayed by their words is my way of making sure I'm gonna be okay |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
Yesterday I was telling a couple about being the one who had to take one for the team and being his fluffer. His words were about putting my enjoyment first but his actions were always selfish, especially when there were others present.
Someone else who introduced to me talked about what he wanted and expected but his behaviour was always about being generous to me, sexually and keeping in contact.
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I think people who feel continually duped/let down/fucked over by others on here would do well to read and think about this.
Sorry, I have no story to share except judging people on behaviour rather than being swayed by their words is my way of making sure I'm gonna be okay "
It's a quote that has been with me for a few years. It took an experience on here for me to finally understand it's meaning.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think people who feel continually duped/let down/fucked over by others on here would do well to read and think about this.
Sorry, I have no story to share except judging people on behaviour rather than being swayed by their words is my way of making sure I'm gonna be okay
It's a quote that has been with me for a few years. It took an experience on here for me to finally understand it's meaning.
"
It's a quote I'm going to remember...thanks |
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I think it’s one of those parts of human nature that’s so hard to balance out.
When you like, respect or care about somebody you want to see the best in them and you believe they won’t hurt you based on your own feelings.
It’s hard to admit that some people should not be a priority, or sometimes in your life at all because their behaviour is damaging. That’s a hard decision to make when you’re still focusing on the positives that will be lost. There’s a reason so many people stay in horrible relationships and destructive friendships. It’s a really hard one to work out whilst you’re living it. |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I think it’s one of those parts of human nature that’s so hard to balance out.
When you like, respect or care about somebody you want to see the best in them and you believe they won’t hurt you based on your own feelings.
It’s hard to admit that some people should not be a priority, or sometimes in your life at all because their behaviour is damaging. That’s a hard decision to make when you’re still focusing on the positives that will be lost. There’s a reason so many people stay in horrible relationships and destructive friendships. It’s a really hard one to work out whilst you’re living it. "
It really is. It means we have to accept our judgement was flawed and we feel foolish.
There is another great Dr Angelou quote we should all remember:
Never make someone a priority when you are just an option.
|
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"I think it’s one of those parts of human nature that’s so hard to balance out.
When you like, respect or care about somebody you want to see the best in them and you believe they won’t hurt you based on your own feelings.
It’s hard to admit that some people should not be a priority, or sometimes in your life at all because their behaviour is damaging. That’s a hard decision to make when you’re still focusing on the positives that will be lost. There’s a reason so many people stay in horrible relationships and destructive friendships. It’s a really hard one to work out whilst you’re living it.
It really is. It means we have to accept our judgement was flawed and we feel foolish.
There is another great Dr Angelou quote we should all remember:
Never make someone a priority when you are just an option.
"
That’s one of my favourites.. sometimes we have to feel ridiculous in order to learn. Self preservation is sometimes perceived as selfish.. but it’s vital for us all to make sure we are ok. |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"
There is another great Dr Angelou quote we should all remember:
Never make someone a priority when you are just an option.
That’s one of my favourites.. sometimes we have to feel ridiculous in order to learn. Self preservation is sometimes perceived as selfish.. but it’s vital for us all to make sure we are ok. "
Logically, self-care is caring for others as you are not seeking a care-giver for your relationships.
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"I think it’s one of those parts of human nature that’s so hard to balance out.
When you like, respect or care about somebody you want to see the best in them and you believe they won’t hurt you based on your own feelings.
It’s hard to admit that some people should not be a priority, or sometimes in your life at all because their behaviour is damaging. That’s a hard decision to make when you’re still focusing on the positives that will be lost. There’s a reason so many people stay in horrible relationships and destructive friendships. It’s a really hard one to work out whilst you’re living it.
It really is. It means we have to accept our judgement was flawed and we feel foolish.
There is another great Dr Angelou quote we should all remember:
Never make someone a priority when you are just an option.
"
This was my mistake. I remember the day a very good friend sent me this quote. My eyes were opened. I started to live my life for me. And I’m so glad I did xx
J x |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I think it’s one of those parts of human nature that’s so hard to balance out.
When you like, respect or care about somebody you want to see the best in them and you believe they won’t hurt you based on your own feelings.
It’s hard to admit that some people should not be a priority, or sometimes in your life at all because their behaviour is damaging. That’s a hard decision to make when you’re still focusing on the positives that will be lost. There’s a reason so many people stay in horrible relationships and destructive friendships. It’s a really hard one to work out whilst you’re living it.
It really is. It means we have to accept our judgement was flawed and we feel foolish.
There is another great Dr Angelou quote we should all remember:
Never make someone a priority when you are just an option.
This was my mistake. I remember the day a very good friend sent me this quote. My eyes were opened. I started to live my life for me. And I’m so glad I did xx
J x"
I think many of us are raised to try and please others. It gets hardwired into us and it is hard work to unlearn that belief and behaviour.
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"‘Actions speak louder than words’. If what someone is saying is at odd with what they actually do then that tells you everything you need to know. "
 It doesn't stop us explaining away those actions at times.
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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago
.. |
"‘Actions speak louder than words’. If what someone is saying is at odd with what they actually do then that tells you everything you need to know.
It doesn't stop us explaining away those actions at times.
"
We’re human, if we want to see only the good then we will. |
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By *manaWoman
over a year ago
Basingstoke |
"
There is another great Dr Angelou quote we should all remember:
Never make someone a priority when you are just an option.
Never a truer word spoken
I apply this one on here.
"
So very true  |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
I know I do because I try and see the good in people.
I know in the past I've had niggles about particular behavioural traits - self centred, no actual/genuine interest in myself etc because I try and think, well when they are nice, they are really nice and say lovely thingd, even if their actions are a bit twuntish. It's almost like I try and justify it because I hate conflict and would rather put up with crap and believe that deep down people are good.
And promises and flattery are, well flattering. It's far easier to believe that. I try and give more weight to actions now rather than what someone says they will do. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I think it’s one of those parts of human nature that’s so hard to balance out.
When you like, respect or care about somebody you want to see the best in them and you believe they won’t hurt you based on your own feelings.
It’s hard to admit that some people should not be a priority, or sometimes in your life at all because their behaviour is damaging. That’s a hard decision to make when you’re still focusing on the positives that will be lost. There’s a reason so many people stay in horrible relationships and destructive friendships. It’s a really hard one to work out whilst you’re living it.
It really is. It means we have to accept our judgement was flawed and we feel foolish.
There is another great Dr Angelou quote we should all remember:
Never make someone a priority when you are just an option.
"
Absolutely agree with this, and I've been on both sides of that equation myself. Always two sides I guess and I don't think anyone seeking true love on a site like fab can be surprised to find out they're an option, and I think options are fine too if that's what a person wants   |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I know I do because I try and see the good in people.
I know in the past I've had niggles about particular behavioural traits - self centred, no actual/genuine interest in myself etc because I try and think, well when they are nice, they are really nice and say lovely thingd, even if their actions are a bit twuntish. It's almost like I try and justify it because I hate conflict and would rather put up with crap and believe that deep down people are good.
And promises and flattery are, well flattering. It's far easier to believe that. I try and give more weight to actions now rather than what someone says they will do. "
I'm delighted to read you are there a good twenty odd years before I managed to let go.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hmmmm there are those that hear what they want to hear as opposed to what is actually being said. They need to have their bullshit detector turned up to maximum and listen to the alarm bells  "
this too! |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I think it’s one of those parts of human nature that’s so hard to balance out.
When you like, respect or care about somebody you want to see the best in them and you believe they won’t hurt you based on your own feelings.
It’s hard to admit that some people should not be a priority, or sometimes in your life at all because their behaviour is damaging. That’s a hard decision to make when you’re still focusing on the positives that will be lost. There’s a reason so many people stay in horrible relationships and destructive friendships. It’s a really hard one to work out whilst you’re living it.
It really is. It means we have to accept our judgement was flawed and we feel foolish.
There is another great Dr Angelou quote we should all remember:
Never make someone a priority when you are just an option.
Absolutely agree with this, and I've been on both sides of that equation myself. Always two sides I guess and I don't think anyone seeking true love on a site like fab can be surprised to find out they're an option, and I think options are fine too if that's what a person wants "
It's not just true love. There are so many stories of people double and triple booking and then picking one at the last moment.
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"Hmmmm there are those that hear what they want to hear as opposed to what is actually being said. They need to have their bullshit detector turned up to maximum and listen to the alarm bells "
I've adjusted my hearing aids.
 |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
"I don't think anyone seeking true love on a site like fab can be surprised to find out they're an option, and I think options are fine too if that's what a person wants "
On a site like fab? 
People can be surprised and disappointed in how crappy someone behaves when it comes to matters of the heart, regardless of the site. |
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It is good to be able to see the best in someone but actions do speak louder than words. If we are invested some how in that person we want to believe...sometimes sadly we have to accept them for whom they really are |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I think it’s one of those parts of human nature that’s so hard to balance out.
When you like, respect or care about somebody you want to see the best in them and you believe they won’t hurt you based on your own feelings.
It’s hard to admit that some people should not be a priority, or sometimes in your life at all because their behaviour is damaging. That’s a hard decision to make when you’re still focusing on the positives that will be lost. There’s a reason so many people stay in horrible relationships and destructive friendships. It’s a really hard one to work out whilst you’re living it.
It really is. It means we have to accept our judgement was flawed and we feel foolish.
There is another great Dr Angelou quote we should all remember:
Never make someone a priority when you are just an option.
Absolutely agree with this, and I've been on both sides of that equation myself. Always two sides I guess and I don't think anyone seeking true love on a site like fab can be surprised to find out they're an option, and I think options are fine too if that's what a person wants
It's not just true love. There are so many stories of people double and triple booking and then picking one at the last moment.
"
That's a shit feeling, and yes I've chatted yo girls and suddenly they've found a better option, but that's life I guess, I can't really expect them to want to fuck me if they connect with someone else better.....? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I don't think anyone seeking true love on a site like fab can be surprised to find out they're an option, and I think options are fine too if that's what a person wants
On a site like fab?
People can be surprised and disappointed in how crappy someone behaves when it comes to matters of the heart, regardless of the site."
True, I've just seen more here than any other site I've used or the "regular world", just my personal experience.... |
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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago
.. |
"Hmmmm there are those that hear what they want to hear as opposed to what is actually being said. They need to have their bullshit detector turned up to maximum and listen to the alarm bells "
|
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I really don't know why people believe people's words over their actions.
I have a cousin who resurfaced after years and suddenly became very friendly with my parents. She kept telling them how hard up she was, how badly she had been treated by all and sundry and how she was struggling to find somewhere to live. (hmm wonder why?). I pointed out to my mum and dad that someone as hard up as she claimed to be wouldn't be able to afford monthly stays in hotels, a cruise once a year, a trip to the far east once a year , monthly manicures and beauty treatments.
Oddly now that my parents aren't as sympathetic as they once were she hasn't been able to visit as frequently... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Last summer I met a man who seemed to be everything I wanted . He led me to believe he was this amazing person who had lived and overcome some difficulties. He told me so many things. We spent time together , we went away together. Like a whirlwind. I fell in love hard and fast . Even early on I made excuses for things I shouldn't have. Turns out he had lied to me about almost everything, he hid things and made me question if his issues were because I wasn't good enough. Despite discovering all of that I've been sucked in by his words many times since. Even though I know the pattern of behaviour, I've allowed him to keep hurting me . I've now decided no more. I hope I'm strong enough to stick to it this time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I've learnt the hard way, I never trust my logic which tells me that what they show first is the real them. I go with my heart, I guess, because I want to be happy, so logic goes out the window. I had a horrible experience through here with someone that always made me feel like I wasn't enough. I wasn't good enough. Or sexy enough. Or pretty enough. It killed my confidence and it took me a long time to recover and to get back, but I always follow my gut now.
First impressions is all they get now. It's hardened me as a person which makes me sad really. But needs must.
Made me feel really sad remembering that  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I've learnt the hard way, I never trust my logic which tells me that what they show first is the real them. I go with my heart, I guess, because I want to be happy, so logic goes out the window. I had a horrible experience through here with someone that always made me feel like I wasn't enough. I wasn't good enough. Or sexy enough. Or pretty enough. It killed my confidence and it took me a long time to recover and to get back, but I always follow my gut now.
First impressions is all they get now. It's hardened me as a person which makes me sad really. But needs must.
Made me feel really sad remembering that "
|
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"I've learnt the hard way, I never trust my logic which tells me that what they show first is the real them. I go with my heart, I guess, because I want to be happy, so logic goes out the window. I had a horrible experience through here with someone that always made me feel like I wasn't enough. I wasn't good enough. Or sexy enough. Or pretty enough. It killed my confidence and it took me a long time to recover and to get back, but I always follow my gut now.
First impressions is all they get now. It's hardened me as a person which makes me sad really. But needs must.
Made me feel really sad remembering that "
That is really sad and as much as much as we shouldn't have to change ourselves because of the way other people act we do..lessons learnt. it sounds like you are back to being you only now stronger xx |
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Not just on fab....in fact other sites (dating ones) are waaaaaaay worse....being told many things and flattered then the spoken interest doesn't match up to the actions... It causes me to be incredibly guarded as I can fall hard and fast for someone...
On here tho, I'm sick of hearing 'I'd like a fwb/something regular' where as all they want is a shag!!!
...FFS say that and get on with life, why build up something which is clearly not an option!!!!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hmmmm there are those that hear what they want to hear as opposed to what is actually being said. They need to have their bullshit detector turned up to maximum and listen to the alarm bells "
And there are those of us who are aware men often state what they think we want to hear. How tiring that is. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
yep i need to go with my gut,most meets on here i can brush of but 1 suppose to be fwb has really got under my skin and has now ghosted,makes me feel miserable and sad that i had faith in them
really good thread |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
There is another great Dr Angelou quote we should all remember:
Never make someone a priority when you are just an option.
Never a truer word spoken
I apply this one on here.
So very true "
Agreed |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I think it’s one of those parts of human nature that’s so hard to balance out.
When you like, respect or care about somebody you want to see the best in them and you believe they won’t hurt you based on your own feelings.
It’s hard to admit that some people should not be a priority, or sometimes in your life at all because their behaviour is damaging. That’s a hard decision to make when you’re still focusing on the positives that will be lost. There’s a reason so many people stay in horrible relationships and destructive friendships. It’s a really hard one to work out whilst you’re living it.
It really is. It means we have to accept our judgement was flawed and we feel foolish.
There is another great Dr Angelou quote we should all remember:
Never make someone a priority when you are just an option.
This is resonating with me right now, great quote.
"
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I've learnt the hard way, I never trust my logic which tells me that what they show first is the real them. I go with my heart, I guess, because I want to be happy, so logic goes out the window. I had a horrible experience through here with someone that always made me feel like I wasn't enough. I wasn't good enough. Or sexy enough. Or pretty enough. It killed my confidence and it took me a long time to recover and to get back, but I always follow my gut now.
First impressions is all they get now. It's hardened me as a person which makes me sad really. But needs must.
Made me feel really sad remembering that "
I could have written this.
I now distrust heavily, I dont think I can bring myself to put myself "out there" any more, effectively I am shut down to ever allowing love to enter my life again. I think I must be flawed. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I've learnt the hard way, I never trust my logic which tells me that what they show first is the real them. I go with my heart, I guess, because I want to be happy, so logic goes out the window. I had a horrible experience through here with someone that always made me feel like I wasn't enough. I wasn't good enough. Or sexy enough. Or pretty enough. It killed my confidence and it took me a long time to recover and to get back, but I always follow my gut now.
First impressions is all they get now. It's hardened me as a person which makes me sad really. But needs must.
Made me feel really sad remembering that
I could have written this.
I now distrust heavily, I dont think I can bring myself to put myself "out there" any more, effectively I am shut down to ever allowing love to enter my life again. I think I must be flawed."
It took nine years to let someone new into my life. I knew I was an option, but just not how far down the list I was. |
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"I think it’s one of those parts of human nature that’s so hard to balance out.
When you like, respect or care about somebody you want to see the best in them and you believe they won’t hurt you based on your own feelings.
It’s hard to admit that some people should not be a priority, or sometimes in your life at all because their behaviour is damaging. That’s a hard decision to make when you’re still focusing on the positives that will be lost. There’s a reason so many people stay in horrible relationships and destructive friendships. It’s a really hard one to work out whilst you’re living it. "
“ why make some one a priority in your life, when you are just an option in theirs” |
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By *manaWoman
over a year ago
Basingstoke |
"I think it’s one of those parts of human nature that’s so hard to balance out.
When you like, respect or care about somebody you want to see the best in them and you believe they won’t hurt you based on your own feelings.
It’s hard to admit that some people should not be a priority, or sometimes in your life at all because their behaviour is damaging. That’s a hard decision to make when you’re still focusing on the positives that will be lost. There’s a reason so many people stay in horrible relationships and destructive friendships. It’s a really hard one to work out whilst you’re living it.
“ why make some one a priority in your life, when you are just an option in theirs” "
|
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"Last summer I met a man who seemed to be everything I wanted . He led me to believe he was this amazing person who had lived and overcome some difficulties. He told me so many things. We spent time together , we went away together. Like a whirlwind. I fell in love hard and fast . Even early on I made excuses for things I shouldn't have. Turns out he had lied to me about almost everything, he hid things and made me question if his issues were because I wasn't good enough. Despite discovering all of that I've been sucked in by his words many times since. Even though I know the pattern of behaviour, I've allowed him to keep hurting me . I've now decided no more. I hope I'm strong enough to stick to it this time. "
Gas lighting? Mental abuse? |
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It’s not difficult to become sucked into ‘ fake personas’ here. I was party to this discussion yesterday. We all like to see the best in people even when we know dam well ‘ what you see is not what you get’ ...
I’m exactly what it says on the tin and often to trusting of other people. Doesn’t earn them any favours when you find out they are not quite what you were lead to believe!
Honesty is the best policy ... it all comes out in the wash!! |
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Take everything with a punch of salt.... you’ll have people talking all night to you and then boom silence.
Never get caught up in it, see it as fun and just words. Keep any meet light hearted and emotions sealed.
It’s called protecting yourself |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Take everything with a punch of salt.... you’ll have people talking all night to you and then boom silence.
Never get caught up in it, see it as fun and just words. Keep any meet light hearted and emotions sealed.
It’s called protecting yourself "
except the punching |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"But we're all 'just options' aren't we? 
Jo.Xx "
We are, and we exercise options too. It is about how you treat people. Basic respect and good manners *should* mean that no one is deliberately damaged.
In a Fab meeting context, I don't care if someone wants to meet someone other than me except when they have arranged to meet me but continue to look for a better option for the same meeting time. That's just rude.
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"It’s not difficult to become sucked into ‘ fake personas’ here. I was party to this discussion yesterday. We all like to see the best in people even when we know dam well ‘ what you see is not what you get’ ...
I’m exactly what it says on the tin and often to trusting of other people. Doesn’t earn them any favours when you find out they are not quite what you were lead to believe!
Honesty is the best policy ... it all comes out in the wash!! "
I'm sorry I missed that conversation.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Hmmmm there are those that hear what they want to hear as opposed to what is actually being said. They need to have their bullshit detector turned up to maximum and listen to the alarm bells "
|
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"Take everything with a punch of salt.... you’ll have people talking all night to you and then boom silence.
Never get caught up in it, see it as fun and just words. Keep any meet light hearted and emotions sealed.
It’s called protecting yourself
except the punching "
In some cases a punch instead of a pinch is needed ! |
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"But we're all 'just options' aren't we?
Jo.Xx
We are, and we exercise options too. It is about how you treat people. Basic respect and good manners *should* mean that no one is deliberately damaged.
In a Fab meeting context, I don't care if someone wants to meet someone other than me except when they have arranged to meet me but continue to look for a better option for the same meeting time. That's just rude.
"
Oh yes I hear that!
Or lead you to believe they want to meet you then 'choose' someone else.
Then after that meet they come back to you because that's the nature of the site. Next!!
I believe this is why I 'chose' D 25 years ago and remained loyal to him because I trusted and believed that I was his 'choice'.
He was a player and he stopped doing that because he chose me.
I never liked feeling like second best. D has always put me first.
It's only since joining here I'm starting to feel like 'just another fuck'. Not by D obviously!
I guess you have to be of a certain mind frame to play the swinging game.
Jo.Xx (it's abit deep) 
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"But we're all 'just options' aren't we?
Jo.Xx
We are, and we exercise options too. It is about how you treat people. Basic respect and good manners *should* mean that no one is deliberately damaged.
In a Fab meeting context, I don't care if someone wants to meet someone other than me except when they have arranged to meet me but continue to look for a better option for the same meeting time. That's just rude.
Oh yes I hear that!
Or lead you to believe they want to meet you then 'choose' someone else.
Then after that meet they come back to you because that's the nature of the site. Next!!
I believe this is why I 'chose' D 25 years ago and remained loyal to him because I trusted and believed that I was his 'choice'.
He was a player and he stopped doing that because he chose me.
I never liked feeling like second best. D has always put me first.
It's only since joining here I'm starting to feel like 'just another fuck'. Not by D obviously!
I guess you have to be of a certain mind frame to play the swinging game.
Jo.Xx (it's abit deep)
"
It's a deep subject.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Words are actions too. When those words dont match the reality of any experience, not just on fab or sex, then they have no value.
Yet so often what is said and what is meant often fail to match up. Consistency in words and actions are the real proof of all things, yet do often they take time to be proven. Yet on fab, and not just on fab, the concept of "next" often diminishes those words to valueless cliches that may have meaning until the next shiney "new" "better" or just alternative experience is pursued each time leaving a question in the lives of those who believe the words they hear, and a sense of wondering just what is the point of all those words and actions that never quite match the reality we live. |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
Thank you for posting, folks.
I haven't got a fully formed, easy to articulate, thought on some of the posts yet.
The messy thoughts are:
* I don't like the idea of people having to fundamentally change to protect themselves.
* We have to have trust and open hearts to make connections.
* We need to learn self-care much earlier.
* We need to trust what we see and experience as our truth of a situation.
* It's not our fault if people behave badly but it is on us if we continue to choose to allow it.
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"It’s not difficult to become sucked into ‘ fake personas’ here. I was party to this discussion yesterday. We all like to see the best in people even when we know dam well ‘ what you see is not what you get’ ...
I’m exactly what it says on the tin and often to trusting of other people. Doesn’t earn them any favours when you find out they are not quite what you were lead to believe!
Honesty is the best policy ... it all comes out in the wash!!
I'm sorry I missed that conversation.
"
You were busy making plans |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"Words are actions too. When those words dont match the reality of any experience, not just on fab or sex, then they have no value.
Yet so often what is said and what is meant often fail to match up. Consistency in words and actions are the real proof of all things, yet do often they take time to be proven. Yet on fab, and not just on fab, the concept of "next" often diminishes those words to valueless cliches that may have meaning until the next shiney "new" "better" or just alternative experience is pursued each time leaving a question in the lives of those who believe the words they hear, and a sense of wondering just what is the point of all those words and actions that never quite match the reality we live."
I had dinner with someone last night and he wanted a burger but kept searching the menu for something else, something better. Sometimes we just want a burger and discontent comes with seeking and choosing the *better* that doesn't hit the spot because it just can't be a burger.
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"It’s not difficult to become sucked into ‘ fake personas’ here. I was party to this discussion yesterday. We all like to see the best in people even when we know dam well ‘ what you see is not what you get’ ...
I’m exactly what it says on the tin and often to trusting of other people. Doesn’t earn them any favours when you find out they are not quite what you were lead to believe!
Honesty is the best policy ... it all comes out in the wash!!
I'm sorry I missed that conversation.
You were busy making plans "
I fancied a cocktail. I had two.
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"Words are actions too. When those words dont match the reality of any experience, not just on fab or sex, then they have no value.
Yet so often what is said and what is meant often fail to match up. Consistency in words and actions are the real proof of all things, yet do often they take time to be proven. Yet on fab, and not just on fab, the concept of "next" often diminishes those words to valueless cliches that may have meaning until the next shiney "new" "better" or just alternative experience is pursued each time leaving a question in the lives of those who believe the words they hear, and a sense of wondering just what is the point of all those words and actions that never quite match the reality we live."
Oh that’s a really good analogy of my yesterday’s discussion! |
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"Words are actions too. When those words dont match the reality of any experience, not just on fab or sex, then they have no value.
Yet so often what is said and what is meant often fail to match up. Consistency in words and actions are the real proof of all things, yet do often they take time to be proven. Yet on fab, and not just on fab, the concept of "next" often diminishes those words to valueless cliches that may have meaning until the next shiney "new" "better" or just alternative experience is pursued each time leaving a question in the lives of those who believe the words they hear, and a sense of wondering just what is the point of all those words and actions that never quite match the reality we live.
I had dinner with someone last night and he wanted a burger but kept searching the menu for something else, something better. Sometimes we just want a burger and discontent comes with seeking and choosing the *better* that doesn't hit the spot because it just can't be a burger.
"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Take everything with a punch of salt.... you’ll have people talking all night to you and then boom silence.
Never get caught up in it, see it as fun and just words. Keep any meet light hearted and emotions sealed.
It’s called protecting yourself
except the punching
In some cases a punch instead of a pinch is needed !"
Finger nails gripping into my back is about as far as I'll go with the pain.....  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Behaviour is our clear honest voice, as long as nothing is being done for display. We're free when we take quick decisions as soon as we observe behaviour that's not in our interest. "
Indeed, yet behaviours shall be observer when the individual doesn't know he/she is observed. Otherwise, the individual might portray himself/herself in a way that is favorable to him/her.
I am a firm believer of Goffman's theory of the presentation of the self and believe that it is very difficult to really know someone. People have always several facets of themselves that they decide to present depending on the social context they find themselves in. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Behaviour is our clear honest voice, as long as nothing is being done for display. We're free when we take quick decisions as soon as we observe behaviour that's not in our interest.
Indeed, yet behaviours shall be observer when the individual doesn't know he/she is observed. Otherwise, the individual might portray himself/herself in a way that is favorable to him/her.
I am a firm believer of Goffman's theory of the presentation of the self and believe that it is very difficult to really know someone. People have always several facets of themselves that they decide to present depending on the social context they find themselves in. "
Isn't that normal though? Wanting to fit in? Not necessarily a bad reason. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Thank you for posting, folks.
I haven't got a fully formed, easy to articulate, thought on some of the posts yet.
The messy thoughts are:
* I don't like the idea of people having to fundamentally change to protect themselves.
* We have to have trust and open hearts to make connections.
* We need to learn self-care much earlier.
* We need to trust what we see and experience as our truth of a situation.
* It's not our fault if people behave badly but it is on us if we continue to choose to allow it.
"
Can we teach people self care? So that they can protect themselves if they (don't) realise they are in a bad situation? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I'm flawed. I'm human.
My life and life on Fab is littered with broken promises, expectations I couln't ever live up to and aspieations that, in the cold light of day,.I could never fulfill.
How I believe I come across to people in real life is generally a good guy, helpful, honest in my dealings and fairly transparent. A little dull at times but enjoys a good party and will do whatever I can for others.
No idea how I come across on fab.
Whilst I try to be a decent human being, I will eventually self destruct and do something to completely trash a friendship. Whether it is ghosting someone (she knows who she is), get too intense then back off with indecent haste (and she knows who she is), or make a complete twat of myself eventually.
I'm predictable, consistent and I hate to say it, inexcusable.
I'm an example of a bad un.
Ultimately I am here for sexual gratification. When I findd something good, a part of me decides I don't deserve it so I set about to ensure that I am denied what I desire. Therapy got to the bottom of it, but yet I make the same mistakes.
Some forumites who have known me for a very long long time will recall my meltdown 5 years ago... It wasn't pretty.
I guess I'm better suited to one off's but I really don't enjoy the experience. My psyche prevents me from developing long term atttachments.
So, what am I trying to say?
Despite my best efforts, I will ultimately let people down. I am human, I am flawed. I'm not neccesarily a bad person, I just end up doing bad things.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm flawed. I'm human.
My life and life on Fab is littered with broken promises, expectations I couln't ever live up to and aspieations that, in the cold light of day,.I could never fulfill.
How I believe I come across to people in real life is generally a good guy, helpful, honest in my dealings and fairly transparent. A little dull at times but enjoys a good party and will do whatever I can for others.
No idea how I come across on fab.
Whilst I try to be a decent human being, I will eventually self destruct and do something to completely trash a friendship. Whether it is ghosting someone (she knows who she is), get too intense then back off with indecent haste (and she knows who she is), or make a complete twat of myself eventually.
I'm predictable, consistent and I hate to say it, inexcusable.
I'm an example of a bad un.
Ultimately I am here for sexual gratification. When I findd something good, a part of me decides I don't deserve it so I set about to ensure that I am denied what I desire. Therapy got to the bottom of it, but yet I make the same mistakes.
Some forumites who have known me for a very long long time will recall my meltdown 5 years ago... It wasn't pretty.
I guess I'm better suited to one off's but I really don't enjoy the experience. My psyche prevents me from developing long term atttachments.
So, what am I trying to say?
Despite my best efforts, I will ultimately let people down. I am human, I am flawed. I'm not neccesarily a bad person, I just end up doing bad things.
"
So change it
You don't have to treat people badly |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm flawed. I'm human.
My life and life on Fab is littered with broken promises, expectations I couln't ever live up to and aspieations that, in the cold light of day,.I could never fulfill.
How I believe I come across to people in real life is generally a good guy, helpful, honest in my dealings and fairly transparent. A little dull at times but enjoys a good party and will do whatever I can for others.
No idea how I come across on fab.
Whilst I try to be a decent human being, I will eventually self destruct and do something to completely trash a friendship. Whether it is ghosting someone (she knows who she is), get too intense then back off with indecent haste (and she knows who she is), or make a complete twat of myself eventually.
I'm predictable, consistent and I hate to say it, inexcusable.
I'm an example of a bad un.
Ultimately I am here for sexual gratification. When I findd something good, a part of me decides I don't deserve it so I set about to ensure that I am denied what I desire. Therapy got to the bottom of it, but yet I make the same mistakes.
Some forumites who have known me for a very long long time will recall my meltdown 5 years ago... It wasn't pretty.
I guess I'm better suited to one off's but I really don't enjoy the experience. My psyche prevents me from developing long term atttachments.
So, what am I trying to say?
Despite my best efforts, I will ultimately let people down. I am human, I am flawed. I'm not neccesarily a bad person, I just end up doing bad things.
"
I completely relate to that, except for the one-offs, I’m better suited for on-going. But otherwise this is pretty much me too. |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Thank you for posting, folks.
I haven't got a fully formed, easy to articulate, thought on some of the posts yet.
The messy thoughts are:
* I don't like the idea of people having to fundamentally change to protect themselves.
* We have to have trust and open hearts to make connections.
* We need to learn self-care much earlier.
* We need to trust what we see and experience as our truth of a situation.
* It's not our fault if people behave badly but it is on us if we continue to choose to allow it.
"
I love this |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
I feel a little with this thread that several points made were as the result of ongoing conversations in another situation. However, I agree very much with what others have posted; 'never make someone a priority if to them you're an option'. Living those words is a much harder task than it seems though.
As many people who know me know, I have a interest and love of the human condition and peoples motivation. Much as its 'easy' for me to spot certain behaviours regarding others, it's certainly less so with myself when my own emotional conflicts and triggers are in play. Just as it is with others.
Kicking ourselves in hindsight is an easy game to play, learning how to protect yourself without becoming hard in the process is the real aim, I think. |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I'm flawed. I'm human.
My life and life on Fab is littered with broken promises, expectations I couln't ever live up to and aspieations that, in the cold light of day,.I could never fulfill.
How I believe I come across to people in real life is generally a good guy, helpful, honest in my dealings and fairly transparent. A little dull at times but enjoys a good party and will do whatever I can for others.
No idea how I come across on fab.
Whilst I try to be a decent human being, I will eventually self destruct and do something to completely trash a friendship. Whether it is ghosting someone (she knows who she is), get too intense then back off with indecent haste (and she knows who she is), or make a complete twat of myself eventually.
I'm predictable, consistent and I hate to say it, inexcusable.
I'm an example of a bad un.
Ultimately I am here for sexual gratification. When I findd something good, a part of me decides I don't deserve it so I set about to ensure that I am denied what I desire. Therapy got to the bottom of it, but yet I make the same mistakes.
Some forumites who have known me for a very long long time will recall my meltdown 5 years ago... It wasn't pretty.
I guess I'm better suited to one off's but I really don't enjoy the experience. My psyche prevents me from developing long term atttachments.
So, what am I trying to say?
Despite my best efforts, I will ultimately let people down. I am human, I am flawed. I'm not neccesarily a bad person, I just end up doing bad things.
So change it
You don't have to treat people badly "
Agreed, knowing that you behave badly isn't an excuse. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm flawed. I'm human.
My life and life on Fab is littered with broken promises, expectations I couln't ever live up to and aspieations that, in the cold light of day,.I could never fulfill.
How I believe I come across to people in real life is generally a good guy, helpful, honest in my dealings and fairly transparent. A little dull at times but enjoys a good party and will do whatever I can for others.
No idea how I come across on fab.
Whilst I try to be a decent human being, I will eventually self destruct and do something to completely trash a friendship. Whether it is ghosting someone (she knows who she is), get too intense then back off with indecent haste (and she knows who she is), or make a complete twat of myself eventually.
I'm predictable, consistent and I hate to say it, inexcusable.
I'm an example of a bad un.
Ultimately I am here for sexual gratification. When I findd something good, a part of me decides I don't deserve it so I set about to ensure that I am denied what I desire. Therapy got to the bottom of it, but yet I make the same mistakes.
Some forumites who have known me for a very long long time will recall my meltdown 5 years ago... It wasn't pretty.
I guess I'm better suited to one off's but I really don't enjoy the experience. My psyche prevents me from developing long term atttachments.
So, what am I trying to say?
Despite my best efforts, I will ultimately let people down. I am human, I am flawed. I'm not neccesarily a bad person, I just end up doing bad things.
"
You've written this for my partner, I swear  |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I'm flawed. I'm human.
My life and life on Fab is littered with broken promises, expectations I couln't ever live up to and aspieations that, in the cold light of day,.I could never fulfill.
How I believe I come across to people in real life is generally a good guy, helpful, honest in my dealings and fairly transparent. A little dull at times but enjoys a good party and will do whatever I can for others.
No idea how I come across on fab.
Whilst I try to be a decent human being, I will eventually self destruct and do something to completely trash a friendship. Whether it is ghosting someone (she knows who she is), get too intense then back off with indecent haste (and she knows who she is), or make a complete twat of myself eventually.
I'm predictable, consistent and I hate to say it, inexcusable.
I'm an example of a bad un.
Ultimately I am here for sexual gratification. When I findd something good, a part of me decides I don't deserve it so I set about to ensure that I am denied what I desire. Therapy got to the bottom of it, but yet I make the same mistakes.
Some forumites who have known me for a very long long time will recall my meltdown 5 years ago... It wasn't pretty.
I guess I'm better suited to one off's but I really don't enjoy the experience. My psyche prevents me from developing long term atttachments.
So, what am I trying to say?
Despite my best efforts, I will ultimately let people down. I am human, I am flawed. I'm not neccesarily a bad person, I just end up doing bad things.
"
It's good that you can recognise yourself but I question your last sentence. We have free will to make a choice about how we treat others.
Doing something bad that inadvertently hurts someone is one thing. Doing something bad that you know will hurt someone and passing it off as "that's just who I am" is a choice.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm flawed. I'm human.
My life and life on Fab is littered with broken promises, expectations I couln't ever live up to and aspieations that, in the cold light of day,.I could never fulfill.
How I believe I come across to people in real life is generally a good guy, helpful, honest in my dealings and fairly transparent. A little dull at times but enjoys a good party and will do whatever I can for others.
No idea how I come across on fab.
Whilst I try to be a decent human being, I will eventually self destruct and do something to completely trash a friendship. Whether it is ghosting someone (she knows who she is), get too intense then back off with indecent haste (and she knows who she is), or make a complete twat of myself eventually.
I'm predictable, consistent and I hate to say it, inexcusable.
I'm an example of a bad un.
Ultimately I am here for sexual gratification. When I findd something good, a part of me decides I don't deserve it so I set about to ensure that I am denied what I desire. Therapy got to the bottom of it, but yet I make the same mistakes.
Some forumites who have known me for a very long long time will recall my meltdown 5 years ago... It wasn't pretty.
I guess I'm better suited to one off's but I really don't enjoy the experience. My psyche prevents me from developing long term atttachments.
So, what am I trying to say?
Despite my best efforts, I will ultimately let people down. I am human, I am flawed. I'm not neccesarily a bad person, I just end up doing bad things.
It's good that you can recognise yourself but I question your last sentence. We have free will to make a choice about how we treat others.
Doing something bad that inadvertently hurts someone is one thing. Doing something bad that you know will hurt someone and passing it off as "that's just who I am" is a choice.
"
To elaborate...
I see patterns in my behaviour which with hindsight may be seen as ghosting.
I can get full on and enthusiastic, then life gets in the way, i drift off, I come back.
I have some friends on here (and in real life) who are happy with that.
I do not start chatting with someone knowing full well I'll just fuck and then blank them. But I've been accused of ghosting.
Putting things in context, there are a very small handful of women on fab who chat and may be intimate with me. I let very few in because I believe I will let them down.
My platonic friends on here know I tie myself up in knots.
Although I now feel I shouldn't be on fab if I "can't sort my shit out" and be a better person.
I was being open and honest about how Ifelt. |
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By *icketysplits OP Woman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I'm flawed. I'm human.
My life and life on Fab is littered with broken promises, expectations I couln't ever live up to and aspieations that, in the cold light of day,.I could never fulfill.
How I believe I come across to people in real life is generally a good guy, helpful, honest in my dealings and fairly transparent. A little dull at times but enjoys a good party and will do whatever I can for others.
No idea how I come across on fab.
Whilst I try to be a decent human being, I will eventually self destruct and do something to completely trash a friendship. Whether it is ghosting someone (she knows who she is), get too intense then back off with indecent haste (and she knows who she is), or make a complete twat of myself eventually.
I'm predictable, consistent and I hate to say it, inexcusable.
I'm an example of a bad un.
Ultimately I am here for sexual gratification. When I findd something good, a part of me decides I don't deserve it so I set about to ensure that I am denied what I desire. Therapy got to the bottom of it, but yet I make the same mistakes.
Some forumites who have known me for a very long long time will recall my meltdown 5 years ago... It wasn't pretty.
I guess I'm better suited to one off's but I really don't enjoy the experience. My psyche prevents me from developing long term atttachments.
So, what am I trying to say?
Despite my best efforts, I will ultimately let people down. I am human, I am flawed. I'm not neccesarily a bad person, I just end up doing bad things.
It's good that you can recognise yourself but I question your last sentence. We have free will to make a choice about how we treat others.
Doing something bad that inadvertently hurts someone is one thing. Doing something bad that you know will hurt someone and passing it off as "that's just who I am" is a choice.
To elaborate...
I see patterns in my behaviour which with hindsight may be seen as ghosting.
I can get full on and enthusiastic, then life gets in the way, i drift off, I come back.
I have some friends on here (and in real life) who are happy with that.
I do not start chatting with someone knowing full well I'll just fuck and then blank them. But I've been accused of ghosting.
Putting things in context, there are a very small handful of women on fab who chat and may be intimate with me. I let very few in because I believe I will let them down.
My platonic friends on here know I tie myself up in knots.
Although I now feel I shouldn't be on fab if I "can't sort my shit out" and be a better person.
I was being open and honest about how Ifelt. "
I commend that honesty. I simply offer a challenge that there must be a way not to hurt people. However, I can see you hurt yourself.
Hurt people hurt people.
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yes we are really!! Xx