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Joke of the day

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Com'n, peeps

Let's end the day on a giggle

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By *rAitchMan over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

John Wayne Bobbit has opened a vegan restaurant in Las Vegas.

It's called "No Meat and Two Veg"

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"John Wayne Bobbit has opened a vegan restaurant in Las Vegas.

It's called "No Meat and Two Veg""

Good but lacking... Body!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Did you hear about the man who stole soap from a supermarket?

He made a clean getaway.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Did you hear about the man who stole soap from a supermarket?

He made a clean getaway."

Groan! Lol

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By *0something1965Man over a year ago

Belfast

lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on for ever and there are a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the internet.

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By *rAitchMan over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

She was the ship's captain's daughter.

Her naval base was full of discharged seamen

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

What's green and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you.

A snooker table!

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By *0something1965Man over a year ago

Belfast

Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Someone stole my mood ring....im unsure how i feel about this

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By *izzymonkeyMan over a year ago

Hiding In A Bush

I saw a magic tractor earlier....

It turned into a field....

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Jesus walked into a hotel, slammed 3 nails on the counter and said "can you put me up for the night"

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By *0something1965Man over a year ago

Belfast

[Removed by poster at 03/09/19 00:27:51]

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By *0something1965Man over a year ago

Belfast

"Someone stole my mood ring....im unsure how i feel about this"

Hehehe - love this

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Someone stole my mood ring....im unsure how i feel about this"

Lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

What do you get if you cross a sex toy with a South American rodent?

An armadildo

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By *0something1965Man over a year ago

Belfast

A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'."

Not saying that was bad, but it really was!

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By *rAitchMan over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

My mate committed suicide by drinking a gallon of varnish.

He had a terrible end, but a lovely finish!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Did you hear about the Irish bookworm.... It was found dead in a brick

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By *rtraymondo76Man over a year ago

Cheltenham

I'm quite elated tonight. In fact I'd say the worlds my lobster!

Yes, I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I'm quite elated tonight. In fact I'd say the worlds my lobster!

Yes, I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."

Thank fuck the punchline was better than the delivery! Lol

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By *uskymotoMan over a year ago

Cumbria

An old man walked down the road and saw a frog. The frog said "give me a kiss and I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

The old man picks up the frog and continues walking. The frog shouts "hey, don't you want a beautiful princess?"

The old man replied "at my age I'd rather have a talking frog"

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By *0something1965Man over a year ago

Belfast

After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"An old man walked down the road and saw a frog. The frog said "give me a kiss and I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

The old man picks up the frog and continues walking. The frog shouts "hey, don't you want a beautiful princess?"

The old man replied "at my age I'd rather have a talking frog" "

Lol. Good one.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging."

Pmsl!!

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By *rAitchMan over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

I walked into a room one day and caught my grandma sucking my grandad's cock.

"That's disgusting", I thought to myself. "It should have been cremated with the rest of him".

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I walked into a room one day and caught my grandma sucking my grandad's cock.

"That's disgusting", I thought to myself. "It should have been cremated with the rest of him"."

That's the winner so far! Lol

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By *0something1965Man over a year ago

Belfast

How does a _edneck know when his sister's on her period?

His dads dick tastes funny

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm a dyslexic pimp, I accidentally bought a wharehouse!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I was told to try masturbation with a dead arm, I ruined the funeral!

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By *0something1965Man over a year ago

Belfast

[Removed by poster at 03/09/19 00:50:52]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You've got a big fanny,you've got a big fanny. Why did you say it twice? I didn't it was an echo.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Apparently 9/11 was caused by a carpenter. He sent his apprentice to get a plane

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By *0something1965Man over a year ago

Belfast

"What's black and runs down a window?

Coondensation"

No. Just.... no.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"You've got a big fanny,you've got a big fanny. Why did you say it twice? I didn't it was an echo."

You watched "p_edator" recently by any chance

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"You've got a big fanny,you've got a big fanny. Why did you say it twice? I didn't it was an echo.

You watched "p_edator" recently by any chance"

No but that joke is older than me. Oldie but a goodie.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"What's black and runs down a window?

Coondensation

No. Just.... no."

Not disagreeing, but controversial!!!

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By *0something1965Man over a year ago

Belfast

I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it.

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By *iscoman7771000Man over a year ago

birmingham

Wait

Your turn

Your Mother waited 9months for

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Michael Jackson quote

"what's the best thing about twenty eight year olds? There's 20 of them"

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By *uskymotoMan over a year ago

Cumbria

On the Michael Jackson theme (and a bit naughty)

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Arthur Scargil?

Arthur Scargil hasn't seen a minors helmet for years.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why was Micheal Jackson like a Tesco carrier bag?

White,made of plastic and best kept away fron kids

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Lollipop ladies make me cross

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My three favourite things are

eating my family

and not using punctuation

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By *rAitchMan over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

There are 10 people in the world who understand Binary.

Those who do, and those who don't.

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By *rozacMan over a year ago

london

When i was eating out my granny's cunt , i started tasting horse semem. I thought 'oh! That's how she died!'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"My three favourite things are

eating my family

and not using punctuation"

This really amused me. - Mrs

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I saw a magic tractor earlier....

It turned into a field....

"
ha!!

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By *ge_load_ladMan over a year ago

NW & Mids

Whats the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on

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By *ustme34Man over a year ago

Bingley

My mate gav died from taking heart burn tablets .... I can't believe gavisgon

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By *ustme34Man over a year ago

Bingley

I said to the Baker how come all these cakes are 50p and that ones £1 ... he said that's Madeira cake

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By *ORDERMANMan over a year ago

wrexham

Roman centurion walks into a bar, raises 2 fingers and says 5 beers please..

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By *ed-monkeyCouple over a year ago

Hailsham

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing a green body suit and giving a girl a piggy back ..

People asked him, with a puzzled look, what he had come as

"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle" was his response

"Why the girl having a piggy back" they asked

"Oh, that's Michelle"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Bloke walks into a Scottish bakers and asks “is that a cream cake or a meringue?”

The baker replied “no you’re right, it’s a cream cake......”

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By *ORDERMANMan over a year ago

wrexham

"Bloke walks into a Scottish bakers and asks “is that a cream cake or a meringue?”

The baker replied “no you’re right, it’s a cream cake......”"

That's bloody awful sir.. Bloody awful.. Though I wonder if a few may struggle to get it..

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By *rAitchMan over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

A little girl asks her grandad if she can sit on his lap.

"Of course you can", said grandad.

Whilst sitting on his lap, she asked "grandad, will you make a noise like a frog?"

Grandad looked puzzled, and said "yes, I can, but why do you want me to make a noise like a frog?"

"Because grandma said that when you croak we're going to EuroDisney"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I recently booked myself into one of those swiss clinics for assisted dying. You know what those bastards gave me for breakfast? Cheerios.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Jeremy Corbyn asked the Queen, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient organisation? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Jeremy Corbyn then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle, watch me and listen" The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Prince Charles in here, would you?"

Prince Charles walked into the room and said, "Yes, Mother? The Queen smiled and said to Charles, "Answer me this please Charles. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Prince Charles answe_ed "That would be me." "Yes, very good!" Said the Queen. Ah ha I get it said Jeremy, thank you Ma'am. And in a great rush he left.

Corbyn went back to Parliament and decided to ask Diane Abbott the same question. "Diane, answer this for me." "Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Abbott. And then in true Diane Abbott style she went on to say. "Let me get back to you on that one." She went to her advisers and asked everyone, but none could give her an answer.

Frustrated, Diane went for a coffee and met Nigel Farage. "Nigel, see if you can answer this question." "Yes Diane" replied Nigel. "Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Farage immediately answe_ed, "That's easy, it's me!" Abbott grinned, and said, "Good answer Nigel, I see it all now!"

Abbott then, went back to find Corbyn and said to him; "Jeremy, I did some research, and I have the answer to that riddle." "If your mother and father have a child who is not your brother or your sister, the child is Nigel Farage!" Corbyn went _ed in the face, got up, stomped over to Abbott, and yelled in her face, "No! You bloody idiot! It's Prince Charles!

. . . AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHY LABOUR IS DOING SO BADLY

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By *ay4realstr8TV/TS over a year ago

hoyland

"I said to the Baker how come all these cakes are 50p and that ones £1 ... he said that's Madeira cake"

Haha haha!!! Mi-dearer cake! Lol lol lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Teen boy and girl on first date.

Girl. You smell nice what have you got on?

Boy. A hard on but I didn't realise you could smell it!!

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By *entileschiWoman over a year ago

Norwich

What do you call the gold on an altarpiece?

Catholic gilt.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you make hormone?

Refuse to pay her....

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By *ewrocksWoman over a year ago

button moon

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Big fingers.

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By *tingly ByronMan over a year ago

In a town Fab forgot

How did Fats Domino die?

He collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member.......

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By *ge_load_ladMan over a year ago

NW & Mids

Whats the difference between a buffalo and a bison

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo

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By *arex2Couple over a year ago

Bradford

That's just made me chuckle me socks off!

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By *arex2Couple over a year ago

Bradford

The fats Domino one, that is!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"The fats Domino one, that is!!"

Gobsmacked this thread is still running. Lol

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By *tingly ByronMan over a year ago

In a town Fab forgot

"The fats Domino one, that is!!

Gobsmacked this thread is still running. Lol "

Lots of the jokes are top 10 from the Edinburgh Festival.

Cheating bastards.

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By *ustme34Man over a year ago

Bingley

"The fats Domino one, that is!!

Gobsmacked this thread is still running. Lol

Lots of the jokes are top 10 from the Edinburgh Festival.

Cheating bastards.

"
which ones

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By *tingly ByronMan over a year ago

In a town Fab forgot

"The fats Domino one, that is!!

Gobsmacked this thread is still running. Lol

Lots of the jokes are top 10 from the Edinburgh Festival.

Cheating bastards.

which ones"

This the EF top 10.....

I'm having one of them as my status.

I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets.

Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy."

What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh.

A farmer asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'.

A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it.

Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning.

I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it.

After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging.

To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian.

I've got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts.

How did Fats Domino die? He collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member who collapsed onto another family member.......

They call me Jigsaw. Because you've got to be bo_ed to do me......

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By *ed-monkeyCouple over a year ago

Hailsham

I was trying to think of a joke about an Aldis lamp, but I fear it may be too flashy

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By *good-being-badMan over a year ago

mis-types and auto corrects leads cock leeds

I orde_ed four kindles from amazon..

They sent me a two ronnies dvd.

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By *ed-monkeyCouple over a year ago

Hailsham

"I orde_ed four kindles from amazon..

They sent me a two ronnies dvd.

Love it ... the younger ones among us may not get that

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By *ananas57Couple over a year ago

lake ariel

A horse walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey, the bartender asks why the long face

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By *ed-monkeyCouple over a year ago

Hailsham

"A horse walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey, the bartender asks why the long face

The barman also says thr Durst drink is in the house because the pub is named after the horse.

The horse replies "what? Eric??"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Horse walks into a bar

Ouch

It was an iron bar

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Horse walks into a bar

Ouch

It was an iron bar "

Groan!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

What's white and flys across the sky at a 1000 miles an hour

The cumming of the Lord!!

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By *ll That Ass 67Woman over a year ago

Kettering

"I orde_ed four kindles from amazon..

They sent me a two ronnies dvd.

Now That is funny !!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I orde_ed four kindles from amazon..

They sent me a two ronnies dvd.

Now That is funny !!!"

Sorry, hit distracted by the pert bottom! Lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

American Indian woman asks the chief, why Indian men haven't got names like white men.

The chief says..

"because when Indian man is born he is named after what happened. If it was raining he is named waterfall, if there are birds near by he is called hawk"

"Do you understand broken rubber?"

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By *rAitchMan over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

A lorry carrying a load of thesaurus' overturned, spilling its load everywhere.

Bystanders were shocked, surprised, gobsmacked and dumbfounded!

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By *akenkateCouple over a year ago

cumnock

How do you know when a lady is not wearing knickers , you can see the dandruff on her shoes,

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Politicians are like nappies ,they should be changed regularly -and for the same reason

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Why did the koala fall out the tree?

Because it was dead!

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By *ratcliffeMan over a year ago

Sofia. Bulgaria

Whats green and smells of bacon?

Kermit the frogs fingers

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By *ed-monkeyCouple over a year ago

Hailsham

Police arrested 2 men for stealing batteries and fireworks

They charged 1 and let the other one off

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Hear about the Irishman who thought that Sherlock Holmes was a block of flats

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By *ustme34Man over a year ago

Bingley

"Police arrested 2 men for stealing batteries and fireworks

They charged 1 and let the other one off "

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By *ed-monkeyCouple over a year ago

Hailsham

"Hear about the Irishman who thought that Sherlock Holmes was a block of flats "

He also thought Hertz van Rental was a Dutch footballer

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Stevie wonder got a new cheese grater for his christmas one year

He said it was the most violent book he’d ever read...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

McDonald's currently advertising a "double quarter pounder"! shouldn't that be a half Pounder

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By *rAitchMan over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

Have you heard about the colourblind Irishman?

Didn't know whether he was coming or going!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

What goes click click "have I done it" click click "have I done it"

Stevie Wonder with a Rubiks cube

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By *azkinsWoman over a year ago

leeds

Micheal Jackson where he was going on holiday? He replied "I'm going to Tampa with the kids".

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By *ed-monkeyCouple over a year ago

Hailsham

When I was younger I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body ....

Then I was born

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Micheal Jackson where he was going on holiday? He replied "I'm going to Tampa with the kids"."

Wrong but funny as fuck!!

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By *azkinsWoman over a year ago

leeds

When Kate and William got married Kate asked the queen for some advice. She said "your majesty every time I suck William off I get heartburn whatcan i do "? The queen replied "have you tried Andrew's?.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's pink and hard ?

A pig with a flick knife

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By *ed-monkeyCouple over a year ago

Hailsham

Love is like a fart ...

If you have to force it, it's probably shit

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Hear about the Irishman who thought that Sherlock Holmes was a block of flats

He also thought Hertz van Rental was a Dutch footballer "

He also thought Slim Panatelas was a country and western singer

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 03/09/19 21:39:53]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I once dated a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes, but she didn't show up.

I later found out she'd popped her clogs."

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By *oey4somefunMan over a year ago

Dublin/Drogheda

What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat an egg but you can't beat a wank

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What's the difference between light and hard ?

You can sleep with a light on

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By *ORDERMANMan over a year ago

wrexham

"Hear about the Irishman who thought that Sherlock Holmes was a block of flats

He also thought Hertz van Rental was a Dutch footballer

He also thought Slim Panatelas was a country and western singer"

Ellesmere port is 15 Bob a bottle

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By *rAitchMan over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

Where did Prince Charles spend his honeymoon?

Indiana.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Hear about the Irishman who thought that Sherlock Holmes was a block of flats

He also thought Hertz van Rental was a Dutch footballer

He also thought Slim Panatelas was a country and western singer

Ellesmere port is 15 Bob a bottle"

He also thought the Menai Straights was a no gay resort

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By *ORDERMANMan over a year ago

wrexham

Tip my hat there... New one on me re Menai straight..

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By *uzukiNo1Woman over a year ago

Rhyl

"Tip my hat there... New one on me re Menai straight.. "

I never get your jokes,

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Tip my hat there... New one on me re Menai straight..

I never get your jokes, "

Jokes become unfunny if you have to explain them

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By *uzukiNo1Woman over a year ago

Rhyl

"Tip my hat there... New one on me re Menai straight..

I never get your jokes,

Jokes become unfunny if you have to explain them "

Oooooo well excuse me....

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Tip my hat there... New one on me re Menai straight..

I never get your jokes,

Jokes become unfunny if you have to explain them

Oooooo well excuse me...."

That's you told missus

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By *uzukiNo1Woman over a year ago

Rhyl

"Tip my hat there... New one on me re Menai straight..

I never get your jokes,

Jokes become unfunny if you have to explain them

Oooooo well excuse me....

That's you told missus

I know.....jeez...take a chilly pilly

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Tip my hat there... New one on me re Menai straight..

I never get your jokes,

Jokes become unfunny if you have to explain them

Oooooo well excuse me....

Now that's funny!

That's you told missus

I know.....jeez...take a chilly pilly"

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By *ORDERMANMan over a year ago

wrexham

"Tip my hat there... New one on me re Menai straight..

I never get your jokes, "

My jokes you don't get..?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just for tonight can we have a couple of clean jokes please?

Clean but very funny? I’ll try think of one too.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A truck full of hairbrushes went missing. Police are combing the area?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Just for tonight can we have a couple of clean jokes please?

Clean but very funny? I’ll try think of one too. "

What's yellow and dangerous? Shark infested custard

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

RUBERTO

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By *ENGUYMan over a year ago

Hull

I heard a friend of mine had been involved in a serious road accident, so went to see him in hospital.

There he lay, encased in plaster casts, bandages galore and tubes & drips all around him.

I asked what had happened? His reply, "I was driving my Model T Ford down the M6 at 12mph when suddenly the biggest flashiest Italian sports car passed me at what seemed like 200mph.

I thought I'd stopped so got out!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

What do you call a swimming pool full of disabled people

Vegetable soup

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By *ORDERMANMan over a year ago

wrexham

Was at the cash point today waiting my turn as you do, guy approached me, started asking if I believed in contact with the other side.. Those who'd passed on... I politely informed him I wasn't interested.

He kept going on how the spirit world could be contacted.. Well apart from nearly getting my transaction totally wrong.. He was getting on my wick and I'm normally quite patient.. He was a real happy clappy in his beliefs... It wasn't my day few things getting me down.. But he wouldn't let go.. Now pursuing me down the street.. Happy as Larry he was... For the umpteenth time I informed him it was something I wasn't interested in.

He kept going on and when he grabbed my arm to get my attention I'm ashamed to admit I lost it and swung my arm catching him plumb on the chin and sending him backwards..

It was not my proudest moment but those who know me well know I'm a guy who does like to strike a happy medium.....

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Was at the cash point today waiting my turn as you do, guy approached me, started asking if I believed in contact with the other side.. Those who'd passed on... I politely informed him I wasn't interested.

He kept going on and when he grabbed my arm to get my attention I'm ashamed to admit I lost it and swung my arm catching him plumb on the chin and sending him backwards..

It was not my proudest moment but those who know me well know I'm a guy who does like to strike a happy medium..... "

Groan!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I was in town the other day, it was market day and my mate jack was on his fruit and veg stall. He spots me and calls me over "Nick, nick" he says "come here, I've got these new apple's for you to try" and he puts one in my hand, I looked at it and thought "nothing special". Then he says "go on, have a bite, they are flavou_ed like a woman's pussy". OK, so I took a huge bite and immediately spat out "Jack, it tastes of shit" to which he responds "my bad, turn it round"

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By *ORDERMANMan over a year ago

wrexham

He kept going on and when he grabbed my arm to get my attention I'm ashamed to admit I lost it and swung my arm catching him plumb on the chin and sending him backwards..

It was not my proudest moment but those who know me well know I'm a guy who does like to strike a happy medium.....

Groan! "

I was groaning writing it... Though its best carried off when relating in person

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By *andonmessMan over a year ago

A world all of his own

Those loyalty cards are rubbish aren't they? I've got too many points on one if them and I'm not allowed to drive now.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Those loyalty cards are rubbish aren't they? I've got too many points on one if them and I'm not allowed to drive now."

I can now see why your in a world of your own. Lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

How do you tell if a woman's wearing tights? When she farts her ankles swell up

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By *ORDERMANMan over a year ago

wrexham

This one belongs in 80s with Paul hogan.. Kevin bloody Wilson.. Fosters and 4xxxx adverts..

Please read with aussie accents..

So you have this aussie couple... Let's call them Bruce and Sheila.. Live down by the docks in Sydney.. They've not seen each other for about a week as as Bruce been on a week long bender exercising his elbow in a dockland boozer..

So Bruce staggers in

"G'day Sheila"

"G'day Bruce"

"How's tricks Sheila"

"" not too good Bruce "

" bloody hell Sheila what's up "

" well Bruce I'm preggers"

"bloody hell Sheila how did that happen"

"bloody hell Bruce you know how it happens"

"I know Sheila but I thought you were taking precautions"

"bloody typical Bruce everything's down to me"

"bloody hell Sheila what the hell we going to do"

"Well Bruce I'll tell you this I'm not going to have an abortion"

"bloody hell Sheila if you're not going to have an abortion, don't think I'm going to be marrying you"

"well Bruce if you're not going to marry me I'm going down to Sydney Harbour Bridge and I'm going to throw myself off"

"bloody hell Sheila I'll say this.. You're a damm good sport..."

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"This one belongs in 80s with Paul hogan.. Kevin bloody Wilson.. Fosters and 4xxxx adverts..

Please read with aussie accents..

So Bruce staggers in

"G'day Sheila"

"G'day Bruce"

"How's tricks Sheila"

"" not too good Bruce "

" bloody hell Sheila what's up "

" well Bruce I'm preggers"

"bloody hell Sheila how did that happen"

"bloody hell Bruce you know how it happens"

"I know Sheila but I thought you were taking precautions"

"bloody typical Bruce everything's down to me"

"bloody hell Sheila what the hell we going to do"

"Well Bruce I'll tell you this I'm not going to have an abortion"

"bloody hell Sheila if you're not going to have an abortion, don't think I'm going to be marrying you"

"well Bruce if you're not going to marry me I'm going down to Sydney Harbour Bridge and I'm going to throw myself off"

"bloody hell Sheila I'll say this.. You're a damm good sport..." "

Totally 80's and totally Aussie.. And thanks for the bloody accent now stuck in my head, everyone is going to sound like Shane Warne tomorrow!!

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By *rAitchMan over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

I turned up at a fancy dress party wearing nothing but my boxer shorts.

"What is your costume supposed to be?" asked the host.

I replied "a premature ejaculation. I've come in my pants".

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By *izzymonkeyMan over a year ago

Hiding In A Bush

"I turned up at a fancy dress party wearing nothing but my boxer shorts.

"What is your costume supposed to be?" asked the host.

I replied "a premature ejaculation. I've come in my pants"."

WHOOP WHOOP.....winner

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By *ORDERMANMan over a year ago

wrexham

Keeping with an aussie theme....

When reading English guy read with well to do polished English accent... For barman read with aussie accent..

So you have this English guy on vacation in Australia staying in 5star hotel in Sydney...

Having finished his evening meal he retires to the bar where he takes a stool at the bar..

"G'day mate what can I get you" enquires the barman

"I'll have a pint of your coldest beer please"

"sorry mate we don't do pints over here we do schooners"

"very well I'll take a schooner of your coldest beer please"

Barman starts pouring the beer and enquires of the English man

"you had a G'day mate..?"

"yes I have actually a very good day"

"oh aye what you been doing..?"

"well having only just arrived, I wanted a chill day so I took myself down to bondi and thoroughly enjoyed myself"

"good on ya mate what you get up to"

"where do I start... Watched some tremendous surfers.. Had a wee go myself but have to admit was no where as good as the professesionals.. Took some sun and as any _ed hot blooded male would do certainly appreciated the Scenary... Nudge nudge wink wink"

"yes you can't deny there are certainly some pretty sites down at bondi but half of them are kiwis... You planning on doing same tomorrow ?"

"no actually I've made arrangements to hire a car and take a look at this wonderful outback you have"

"you do that and have a good day then mate"

(disclaimer this is a joke so no smart arse comments re Sydney to outback and back in a day)

So the following evening when the English guy returns he again eats in the restaurant and retires to the bar.

Same barman is on and recognises him.. "same again mate"

"oh yes please better make it 2 first one ain't going to hit the sides"

So pouring the beers barman enquires did he take his drive in the outback as intended

"I did I did... What an absolutely wonderful country you have.. Saw some memorable sights.."

"oh aye like what" enquires the barman..

"totally memorable seeing koala bears in eucalyptus trees.. Wallabies and kangaroos skipping along side the road a few dingos and some breathtaking vistas"

"ah good on ya mate glad you enjoyed it.. Ya see anything else..?"

Looking round the bar to ensure he couldn't be overheard he lowe_ed his voice... "well actually I did... Some very strange sights.... There I was driving along middle of nowhere and there was this guy standing on the edge of the road shafting a kangaroo... I ask you how depraved is that?"

Barman doesn't bat an eyelid "nowt wrong with that mate happens all the time in the outback a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do"

"Well it certainly wasn't as strange as the next thing I saw a few miles down the road... Could see coming up in the distance along side the road a eucalyptus tree.. As I got nearer I could see a guy was leaning against the tree and as I got closer he was making a lot of movement with one of his arms,.. And as I drove past I could see he only had one leg.. But he was..... Playing with himself... He was masterbating... He was having a wank... That was really odd"

"not really mate".. Barman replied totally nonplussed "you ever see a one legged bloke try and catch a kangaroo".......!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Two goldfish in a tank... One says" I'll drive, you man the gun"

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By *tingly ByronMan over a year ago

In a town Fab forgot

Burglars have broken into Arsenal football clubs trophy room and stolen the entire contents.

Police are looking for two men carrying a _ed and white carpet.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'm not a fan of the new £1 coin I've never really liked change.

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By *ge_load_ladMan over a year ago

NW & Mids

Did you hear the one about the blind circumciser

He missed, and got the sack

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By *partharmonyCouple over a year ago

Ruislip

"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'."

Somebody has been reading the Edinburgh Fringe top 10 one-liners!

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By *ORDERMANMan over a year ago

wrexham

"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'.

Somebody has been reading the Edinburgh Fringe top 10 one-liners! "

Mock the week on Monday had about 10 jokes that are on here..

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Why did the chicken cross the road... To get to the other side.

Why did the punk cross the road... He was stapled to the chicken

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By *erriAnneTV/TS over a year ago

The shire

I was getting beaten up by 6 guys last night but I still managed to knock one out.

In hindsight it probably wasn't the best time to have a wank

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By *tingly ByronMan over a year ago

In a town Fab forgot

"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'.

Somebody has been reading the Edinburgh Fringe top 10 one-liners! "

It's been mentioned. ^^^

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By *heklangsCouple over a year ago

Liverpool

"I was getting beaten up by 6 guys last night but I still managed to knock one out.

In hindsight it probably wasn't the best time to have a wank"

We have a winner lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I was getting beaten up by 6 guys last night but I still managed to knock one out.

In hindsight it probably wasn't the best time to have a wank

We have a winner lol

Funny! Lol

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By *heHornyChefMan over a year ago

derby

What's got 2 legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

What's blue and sticky?

My blue wanking sock

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Brexit

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'."

this tickled me

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By *ed-monkeyCouple over a year ago

Hailsham

"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'.

this tickled me"

Monkey notes your level

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

[Removed by poster at 04/09/19 18:45:09]

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By *ed-monkeyCouple over a year ago

Hailsham

"A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. That's 20 cows'.

this tickled me

Monkey notes your level

There are many levels monkey if you care to look close enough

I did ... I did ...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 04/09/19 20:47:08]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My girlfriend is a sex object.

Whenever I ask for sex, she objects.

(Old but Gold)

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"My girlfriend is a sex object.

Whenever I ask for sex, she objects.

(Old but Gold)"

Fuck, we must have the same girlfriend!

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By *ustme34Man over a year ago

Bingley

I just got back from my best friends funeral he died after being hit on the head by a tennis ball .... it was a lovely service.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers today ... but I couldnt find any.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why don’t Polar bears eat Penguins ?

They can’t get the wrapper off .......

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

What goes from green to _ed at a flick of a switch

Kermit in a liquidiser

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By *rAngleseyMan over a year ago

Anglesey

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"How do you keep an idiot in suspense?"

I'll let you know in 5 mins mate

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do you call a fish with three eyes?

A fiiish

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By *erlinhgvMan over a year ago

Liverpool / London

My nan was a lollypop lady and was accused of stealing from work, she denied it but when the police went to her house all the signs were there!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

An Irish man, an English man, an old woman and a attractive young girl were riding in a train together. When the train went through a tunnel there was a loud SMACK! When the train came out of the tunnel, the Englishman had a huge _ed hand print on his face.

The old woman thought, "He must have grabbed that young girl."

The young girl thought, "He must have grabbed that old woman thinking it was me."

The Englishman thought, "She must have slapped me thinking I was the Irish man."

The Irish man thought, " I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that English man again.

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By *ORDERMANMan over a year ago

wrexham

The old woman thought, "He must have grabbed that young girl."

The young girl thought, "He must have grabbed that old woman thinking it was me."

The Englishman thought, "She must have slapped me thinking I was the Irish man."

The Irish man thought, " I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that English man again. "

If only a Taff and a jock could join paddy in the same compartment with the same intention.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Can't believe this thread is still running.

Just proves everyone loves a joke

Well done to everyone who posted. You have all given me proper giggles

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By *rAitchMan over a year ago

Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe

A sweet, little old lady died. Her GP, optician and lawyer all agreed to put £100 each into her coffin before she was cremated.

The trio met up at the undertaker's. The GP put his £100 in. The optician put her £100 in. The lawyer stepped up, took the £200 out and put a cheque for £300 in.

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

The judge said to the criminal have you been up before me.

criminal..I dunno what time was you up

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By *uxom _edCouple over a year ago

Shrewsbury

Why do cows have hooves

Because they Lactose

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By *r Rubba LoverMan over a year ago

Bristol

Guy goes to the docs...

Says ' i cant stop singing the green green grass of home'

Doc says 'dont worry, thats just just tom jones syndrome'

Bloke says 'is this common?'

Doc says ' well........its not unusual!'

-boom tish-

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Guy goes to the docs...

Says ' i cant stop singing the green green grass of home'

Doc says 'dont worry, thats just just tom jones syndrome'

Bloke says 'is this common?'

Doc says ' well........its not unusual!'

-boom tish-

P. M. S. L!!!

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By *tingly ByronMan over a year ago

In a town Fab forgot

Fellah and a couple stood st the bar, the fellah trumps.

Husband says angrily "did you fart in front of my wife?"

"I'm sorry" says the fellah, "I didn't know it was her turn."

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By *thwalescplCouple over a year ago

brecon

A dog walks in to his local job center, and starts jotting down details of the available jobs, chatting to the staff and other layabouts...erm, I mean unemployed people.

One of the staff is amazed at the talking dog, and goes over to him.

"Excuse me Mr Dog, the circus is in town and I reckon they have the perfect job for someone with your talents!"

The dog looks at him and goes "What the fuck would the circus need with a plumber?"

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"A dog walks in to his local job center, and starts jotting down details of the available jobs, chatting to the staff and other layabouts...erm, I mean unemployed people.

One of the staff is amazed at the talking dog, and goes over to him.

"Excuse me Mr Dog, the circus is in town and I reckon they have the perfect job for someone with your talents!"

The dog looks at him and goes "What the fuck would the circus need with a plumber?""

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By *nabelle21Woman over a year ago

B38

"Guy goes to the docs...

Says ' i cant stop singing the green green grass of home'

Doc says 'dont worry, thats just just tom jones syndrome'

Bloke says 'is this common?'

Doc says ' well........its not unusual!'

-boom tish-

P. M. S. L!!! "

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By *tella HeelsTV/TS over a year ago

west here ford shire

Life

Biggest joke of them all

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Teacher walks into the classroom. "right children, can you get your pencils out." Billy sticks his hand up and says "Miss, I ain't got a pencil" teacher replies "No Billy, it's I have no pencil, they have no pencil, we have no pencil. To which Billy shouts frustratingly."Who's got all the feckin pencils then?"

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By *edMan over a year ago

cambridgeshire

"Politicians are like nappies ,they should be changed regularly -and for the same reason"

That should be on huge posters throughout the land!

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