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need a good laugh
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I'll kick things off with a few.....
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day. Apparently, "a meal for two with a terrible view" isn't the best way to announce the number 69. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Right last one for now.......
FIVE SECRETS TO A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP:
1) Its important to have a man who helps at home and knows how to cook, clean & has a job.
2) Its important to have a man who can make you laugh.
3) Its important to have a man you can trust and wants only you.
4) Its important to have a man who is good in bed & enjoys being with you.
5) Its absolutely fucking vital that these four men don't know each other  x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The elastic has gone in my boxers! Is that enough to make you smile?
Yup did give me a smile xx"
I think i am going to have to change them they are hanging down too far for comfort |
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"The elastic has gone in my boxers! Is that enough to make you smile?
Yup did give me a smile xx
I think i am going to have to change them they are hanging down too far for comfort "
doesnt that mean your undercrackers are 'down wit the kids' or is that a completely different subject all together?? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The elastic has gone in my boxers! Is that enough to make you smile?
Yup did give me a smile xx
I think i am going to have to change them they are hanging down too far for comfort "
Or just remove and don't bother to replace  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The elastic has gone in my boxers! Is that enough to make you smile?
Yup did give me a smile xx
I think i am going to have to change them they are hanging down too far for comfort
doesnt that mean your undercrackers are 'down wit the kids' or is that a completely different subject all together??"
Can't stand all that pants round your hips crap fashion my arse!  |
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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago
Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria |
Specially for you Lilly Bell, here's some of my faves xxx 
·Does your train of thought have a guard’s van?
·Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
·Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
·A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
·Chocolate is a vegetable: chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Beans are vegetables.
·The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.
·The journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
·No one is listening until you fart.
·Always remember you are unique. Just like everyone else.
·Never test the depth of water with both feet.
·Thanks to gravity, the earth sucks.
·Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
·Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
·Non-executive board members are like bidets, they add a bit of class but no one really knows what they are for.
·If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
·Give a man a fish and he will eat all day. Teach him how to fish, and he’ll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
·If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
·What if the Hokey–Cokey really is what it’s all about?
·Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, ‘Where the heck is the ceiling?!’
·Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windscreen.
·There is no such thing as failure, only feedback.
·Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.
·The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
·I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!
·A closed mouth gathers no foot.
·Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
·I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
·Adam’s rib: the original bone of contention.
·Meditation is not what you think.
·A pessimist complains about the noise when opportunity knocks.
·Keep your words soft and sweet, in case you have to eat them.
·43.3 per cent of statistics are made up. Two-thirds of them are true.
·Friction is a drag.
·With a calendar, your days are numbered.
·To err is human. To moo is bovine.
·Committee: a group that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
·Yield to temptation: it may not pass your way again.
·Out of my mind: back in five minutes.
·Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
·Honk if you love peace and quiet.
·Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
·If you want to make God laugh, tell him you have a plan.
·Some people march to a different drummer and some people polka.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can ignore completely.
·Work fascinates me – I can look at it for hours.
·I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
·Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Went to relive my youth at a Disco last week
The twist came on and i got down and twisted
Jive bunny came on and I did the. Jive
Come on Eileen was playing and I was arrested
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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago
Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria |
There is no "I" in "Team", but there are four in "Platitude-Quoting Idiot
Roses are red violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic and so am I.....
Thou shalt not steal - the Tax Man hates competition!
Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy
one liners are brill, but these are too...
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth" the dwarf replies.
... So the owner shows him a mare. "Nithe horth." says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nithe eyeth.", says the dwarf,
"Can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nithe teeth.... can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again, picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nithe eerth". he says, Now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarf up by the scruff of his neck and shoves his head deep in just under the horses tail. He holds him there for a couple of seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
Can I see her wun awound?"
One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"
Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies
'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy.
... Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results.
The computer whirred for a little longer than he expected then printed the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
...
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better...
Thank you for shopping at Tesco |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Went to relive my youth at a Disco last week
The twist came on and i got down and twisted
Jive bunny came on and I did the. Jive
Come on Eileen was playing and I was arrested
"
Lol that did actually make me laugh out loud. Thank you. Xx |
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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago
Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria |
A real man is a woman's best friend...He will never let her down...He will comfort her after a bad day...He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do...He will enable her to express her deepest emotions... He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible ... No wait.... Sorry.... I'm thinking of alcohol .... It's alcohol that does all that .... Never mind. Cheers!.. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"A real man is a woman's best friend...He will never let her down...He will comfort her after a bad day...He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do...He will enable her to express her deepest emotions... He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible ... No wait.... Sorry.... I'm thinking of alcohol .... It's alcohol that does all that .... Never mind. Cheers!.. "
Haha brilliant! Xx |
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By *eavenNhellCouple
over a year ago
carrbrook stalybridge |
mate of mine got an email from his dating agency
we have been reviewing your account and see that in the eight years you have been with us you have had no responses .
would you like a one week trial without your profile picc ? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"mate of mine got an email from his dating agency
we have been reviewing your account and see that in the eight years you have been with us you have had no responses .
would you like a one week trial without your profile picc ?"
lmao I love that one! Xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man goes into Waterstones and asks the young lady assistant "Do you have the new book out for men with small penises? I can't remember the title.”
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
The man said, "Yes that's the one, I'll take a copy." |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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A man stands naked in front of a full length mirror, He asks his wife " why is it that everytime I look at myself naked my cock gets hard?
She replies cause even your cock thinks you're a twat |
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By *odareyouMan
over a year ago
not far from iceland,,,,,, tescos is nearer though :-) (near leeds) |
A little girl crying in the centre of middlesborough , a policeman sees her and walks over to her .." what's wrong ?" Asks the copper ... sobbing the little girl says "I've lost me ma..I don't know where she is..!!" The copper says " don't worry, we' ll find her, so what's yer ma like..?" Little girl says " bacardi breezers and big cocks.."" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"A little girl crying in the centre of middlesborough , a policeman sees her and walks over to her .." what's wrong ?" Asks the copper ... sobbing the little girl says "I've lost me ma..I don't know where she is..!!" The copper says " don't worry, we' ll find her, so what's yer ma like..?" Little girl says " bacardi breezers and big cocks.."" "
Lol I'm laughing because that is actually awful! Xx |
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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago
Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria |
Just giggled at these on sickipedia...
I managed to convince a jamaican friend of mine to say I was crazy the other day....It was a monumental achievement
I installed some antivirus software today, but it then split into Catholic and Protestant....It was Norton Ireland.
I just watched some Pikeys getting married on Gypsy Weddings.
The only possible reason I can see for the bride to have such an elaborate dress with so many layers is that by the time her groom has peeled it off, she may be nearing the age of consent.
Today is International Women's Day.
It was actually supposed to be held yesterday but they took too long to get ready.
In America, flipping the bird means an offensive gesture using your middle finger.
In Britain, flipping the bird means it's time for anal.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight,...to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs. |
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By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago
Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria |
Just got this on an email, thought it was quite funny
{{{Disclaimer - I haven't checked whether all these facts are actually true}}}
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm.......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.(I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago
(She/ her) in Sensualityland |
"Just got this on an email, thought it was quite funny
{{{Disclaimer - I haven't checked whether all these facts are actually true}}}
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm.......)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.(I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)
"
Love it |
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