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Personal Help and Advice
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By *Ryan-Man
over a year ago
In Your Bush |
There’s this little wood louse that has made a home under my foreskin. He’s been there about 6 months now and has become quite attached to me.
Thing is even though I’m quite used to him and I like the way he tickles my bell end before he nuzzles down to sleep. I think we need a break and it’s time he moves on. Plus I’m well overdue my annual wash.
How do I break this gently to him without upsetting his feelings? |
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Dear listener...
Don't be afraid, you will perform magnificently....things will be fine...even if she walks out half way through....real people are overrated....
Do you have a spare 42p?? If so get to lidl....purchase a nice green cucumber, it you have another 89p....get some butter too....if you have another 78p buy a watermelon....now cut a small incision in the melon, insert the cucumber and gently rock back and forth to understand the motion....now when your ready, butter yourself up and go to town on the melon....and before you know it you'll be ready for the real thing...
Now go forth and I believe in you...you will rock her world in sure!!! |
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Dear woodlouse foreskin user....
This is easy, all's you need is some sticky back plastic, a loo roll and some MAN UP pills....
Take your Man Up pills....Roll back the skin of your shaft, use the SBP to remove said woodlouse, place him on the loo roll for safe keeping....go have a quick wash you filthy tramp....towel yourself down, then proceed to carefully place your said friend back where he was previously and leave him there for your next unwashed 6 months....  |
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By *Ryan-Man
over a year ago
In Your Bush |
"Dear woodlouse foreskin user....
This is easy, all's you need is some sticky back plastic, a loo roll and some MAN UP pills....
Take your Man Up pills....Roll back the skin of your shaft, use the SBP to remove said woodlouse, place him on the loo roll for safe keeping....go have a quick wash you filthy tramp....towel yourself down, then proceed to carefully place your said friend back where he was previously and leave him there for your next unwashed 6 months.... "
Thank you so much. It’s always much clearer with an outside perspective. Keep up the good work |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm 52 next week  ,do you think it's acceptable to start wacking ten years of my age for those that are ageist and won't meet me?"
yes just do what makes you happy, let's face it no guy would criticise you  |
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Dear Cheese Nipples user....
I am afraid that you are probably into some sorrid and depraved se*ual acts....the only possible way a cottage cheese discharge from the nipple region is in any way normal or acceptable is if you are by some way a vegetarian....these people are a whole new level weird...
If it is normal cottage cheese I suggest a long sausage to cure to discharge....slowly swallowed.....it it tastes like the pineapple cottage cheese then I'm afraid you have what us experts call cottageious pina-colad-itis.....this needs to be sucked out completely for your nipples to return to normal.... |
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By *ftofJoyWoman
over a year ago
Harpenden |
"There’s this little wood louse that has made a home under my foreskin. He’s been there about 6 months now and has become quite attached to me.
Thing is even though I’m quite used to him and I like the way he tickles my bell end before he nuzzles down to sleep. I think we need a break and it’s time he moves on. Plus I’m well overdue my annual wash.
How do I break this gently to him without upsetting his feelings?"
Are you certain it's a woodlouse and not a woodworm with a identity crisis?? |
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"
Are you certain it's a woodlouse and not a woodworm with a identity crisis??"
we all have a crisis of identity some times....the main thing is to stop moaning about it, deal with it and carry the fuck on plowing through not giving 2 shits what you identify as.....  |
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By *ftofJoyWoman
over a year ago
Harpenden |
"
Are you certain it's a woodlouse and not a woodworm with a identity crisis??
we all have a crisis of identity some times....the main thing is to stop moaning about it, deal with it and carry the fuck on plowing through not giving 2 shits what you identify as..... "
I concur _izzymonkey the only moaning the woodlouse/woodworm should do is when it's hiding in a bush  |
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"
I concur _izzymonkey the only moaning the woodlouse/woodworm should do is when it's hiding in a bush "
oh most definitely as it could get lost and stranded in said bush and he would not like that at all if he has become comfy in his foreskin cocoon.... |
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"I'm 52 next week ,do you think it's acceptable to start wacking ten years of my age for those that are ageist and won't meet me?
TOTALLY.....whilst your at it, why not knock any wrinkles off your face or anywhere else with a hot flat iron, that way no one with realise your true age full stop....you will pass for 22....let alone in your 40's....think Nikki Lauda....that man was a 104....that the scars worked wonders for his complexion....  "
I'm not rocking the hot flat iron if I'm honest,I'm a bit of a wuss where pain is concerned. |
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By *ftofJoyWoman
over a year ago
Harpenden |
"
I concur _izzymonkey the only moaning the woodlouse/woodworm should do is when it's hiding in a bush
oh most definitely as it could get lost and stranded in said bush and he would not like that at all if he has become comfy in his foreskin cocoon.... "
Sexpests know how to live  |
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"
I'm not rocking the hot flat iron if I'm honest,I'm a bit of a wuss where pain is concerned."
don't worry, let me prescribe you something for them worries....you will feel no pain.....it's called vodka.....minimum 2 litres and you won't feel a thing....if that's not your thing....what about chloroform???? |
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"
I'm not rocking the hot flat iron if I'm honest,I'm a bit of a wuss where pain is concerned.
don't worry, let me prescribe you something for them worries....you will feel no pain.....it's called vodka.....minimum 2 litres and you won't feel a thing....if that's not your thing....what about chloroform???? "
You don't like me do you |
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By *Ryan-Man
over a year ago
In Your Bush |
"There’s this little wood louse that has made a home under my foreskin. He’s been there about 6 months now and has become quite attached to me.
Thing is even though I’m quite used to him and I like the way he tickles my bell end before he nuzzles down to sleep. I think we need a break and it’s time he moves on. Plus I’m well overdue my annual wash.
How do I break this gently to him without upsetting his feelings?
Are you certain it's a woodlouse and not a woodworm with a identity crisis??"
That is possible because I’m certain a bit of dry rot has set in. |
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"
That is possible because I’m certain a bit of dry rot has set in. "
let me prescribe you something....
The perfect cure for when penal dry rot has set in.....peri peri hot sauce, it works wonders, just dip your little finger in the sauce and gently massage it on the affected area, do this 3 to 4 times a day and before you know it, in a week or so, the dry rot will be no more.... |
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By *Ryan-Man
over a year ago
In Your Bush |
"
That is possible because I’m certain a bit of dry rot has set in.
let me prescribe you something....
The perfect cure for when penal dry rot has set in.....peri peri hot sauce, it works wonders, just dip your little finger in the sauce and gently massage it on the affected area, do this 3 to 4 times a day and before you know it, in a week or so, the dry rot will be no more.... "
Are you serious! I’ll scorch the louse man. Shame on you |
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"
Are you serious! I’ll scorch the louse man. Shame on you"
Noooooo.....I refer to my earlier to my to you woodlouse foreskin user.....use the sticky back plastic to remove him before applying said curing lotion, then return him after it has fully penetrated the skin..... |
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By *Ryan-Man
over a year ago
In Your Bush |
"
Are you serious! I’ll scorch the louse man. Shame on you
Noooooo.....I refer to my earlier to my to you woodlouse foreskin user.....use the sticky back plastic to remove him before applying said curing lotion, then return him after it has fully penetrated the skin..... "
*swiftly hangs up phone to the RSPCWL* |
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By *ftofJoyWoman
over a year ago
Harpenden |
"
That is possible because I’m certain a bit of dry rot has set in.
let me prescribe you something....
The perfect cure for when penal dry rot has set in.....peri peri hot sauce, it works wonders, just dip your little finger in the sauce and gently massage it on the affected area, do this 3 to 4 times a day and before you know it, in a week or so, the dry rot will be no more.... "
And a Red Hot Willy Pepper will be your reward. Massage 4 times a day for best result! |
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By *ftofJoyWoman
over a year ago
Harpenden |
"
And a Red Hot Willy Pepper will be your reward. Massage 4 times a day for best result!
you know someone who has tried my methods 6ftofJoy.....hallelujah!!! "
Ryan what's the result?
Have you spiced up your life or got yourself in a pickle?  |
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By *Ryan-Man
over a year ago
In Your Bush |
"
And a Red Hot Willy Pepper will be your reward. Massage 4 times a day for best result!
you know someone who has tried my methods 6ftofJoy.....hallelujah!!!
Ryan what's the result?
Have you spiced up your life or got yourself in a pickle? "
Will have to let you know. I’m currently dunking my todger in the fish pond |
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By *ftofJoyWoman
over a year ago
Harpenden |
"
And a Red Hot Willy Pepper will be your reward. Massage 4 times a day for best result!
you know someone who has tried my methods 6ftofJoy.....hallelujah!!!
Ryan what's the result?
Have you spiced up your life or got yourself in a pickle?
Will have to let you know. I’m currently dunking my todger in the fish pond"
I hope such vigorous pond dunking doesn't cause you a chilly willy or give the fish the wrong idea!! |
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By *Ryan-Man
over a year ago
In Your Bush |
"
And a Red Hot Willy Pepper will be your reward. Massage 4 times a day for best result!
you know someone who has tried my methods 6ftofJoy.....hallelujah!!!
Ryan what's the result?
Have you spiced up your life or got yourself in a pickle?
Will have to let you know. I’m currently dunking my todger in the fish pond
I hope such vigorous pond dunking doesn't cause you a chilly willy or give the fish the wrong idea!! "
I got the idea from people who dip their feet into a bowl of fish |
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"
Ryan what's the result?
Have you spiced up your life or got yourself in a pickle?
Will have to let you know. I’m currently dunking my todger in the fish pond"
be careful......fish go mad for a dangling peri peri todger.....its like their kryptonite.....and if they are Carp....you might actually get it fully sucked off..... |
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By *ftofJoyWoman
over a year ago
Harpenden |
"
Ryan what's the result?
Have you spiced up your life or got yourself in a pickle?
Will have to let you know. I’m currently dunking my todger in the fish pond
be careful......fish go mad for a dangling peri peri todger.....its like their kryptonite.....and if they are Carp....you might actually get it fully sucked off..... "
If the Carp turn Carperiperi by sucking the Peri Peri life out of your cultivating Red Hot Willy Pepper, then I'm afraid it's back to rub one!! |
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Right....apologies for anyone who may post on Uncle Jizzy's advice page for the next 2 hours or so....as Uncle Jizzy will,be busy with football related matters and attendance....I do apologise advance....but I will reply afterwards my lovelies.... |
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By *ftofJoyWoman
over a year ago
Harpenden |
"I come.out of the bush for football....
Don't tell everyone....but Port Vale.....we are cool because we are not an actual place like most teams!!! Haha =P"
Just like you, you don't need a place, you make your OWN place!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVCSHO1Xx9Y&t=151s |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Dear woodlouse foreskin user....
This is easy, all's you need is some sticky back plastic, a loo roll and some MAN UP pills....
Take your Man Up pills....Roll back the skin of your shaft, use the SBP to remove said woodlouse, place him on the loo roll for safe keeping....go have a quick wash you filthy tramp....towel yourself down, then proceed to carefully place your said friend back where he was previously and leave him there for your next unwashed 6 months....
Thank you so much. It’s always much clearer with an outside perspective. Keep up the good work "
Have you thought about the possibility of building an extension on your bell end or rehousing it in your anus? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Thank god. Your timing is perfect.
I need urgent help.
I love to give oral, but find after lengthy periods I get a very sore jaw and it becomes difficult and painful to carry on.
Do you have any solutions to remedy this?
I only ask because Dick and Tom have waited so long already and I would hate to disappoint them.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thank god. Your timing is perfect.
I need urgent help.
I love to give oral, but find after lengthy periods I get a very sore jaw and it becomes difficult and painful to carry on.
Do you have any solutions to remedy this?
I only ask because Dick and Tom have waited so long already and I would hate to disappoint them.
"
oil it, WD40 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Thank god. Your timing is perfect.
I need urgent help.
I love to give oral, but find after lengthy periods I get a very sore jaw and it becomes difficult and painful to carry on.
Do you have any solutions to remedy this?
I only ask because Dick and Tom have waited so long already and I would hate to disappoint them.
"
Use your bum hole rather than your mouth. Hey Presto, no sore jaw. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thank god. Your timing is perfect.
I need urgent help.
I love to give oral, but find after lengthy periods I get a very sore jaw and it becomes difficult and painful to carry on.
Do you have any solutions to remedy this?
I only ask because Dick and Tom have waited so long already and I would hate to disappoint them.
Use your bum hole rather than your mouth. Hey Presto, no sore jaw."
Why didn't I take your advice instead of Whistleandflute's.
Far more pleasant |
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"Thank god. Your timing is perfect.
I need urgent help.
I love to give oral, but find after lengthy periods I get a very sore jaw and it becomes difficult and painful to carry on.
Do you have any solutions to remedy this?
I only ask because Dick and Tom have waited so long already and I would hate to disappoint them.
"
Good Morning HourGlass,
My fellow Fabbers have made some excellent suggestions....although...for the best advice.....a snooker ball...
Get yourself on down to kinkyfuckers.bum find yourself a nice gimp mask with a snooker ball gag....wear that for about a week in your sleep and before you know it your jaw will be used to being open and your lock jaw should ease....but don't forget also...practice makes perfect!!
As well during the day try to chew on some tough toffee's to exercise them jaw muscles....oh and talk a little bit more too...because I know you women are quite shy when it comes to chatting!!!
Maybe....I'm just winging this....your technique may also need so help so that you don't need to spend as long charming the snake....some technical improvement nay have the cobra spitting quicker, hence, less chance for lock jaw.
...and don't worry... Dick & Tom will be just glad to get some action as most women seem to be passing them by of late for the rumours about the stench from under their hoods....quite pungent apparently!!!
Love
Uncle Jizzy  |
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By *ftofJoyWoman
over a year ago
Harpenden |
"Such a lovely song there Joy "
That's just the start of my song complication
Just thought I'd give this a Bank Holiday bump!!
Unclejizzy really does give the creme de la creme of personal advice |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm 52 next week ,do you think it's acceptable to start wacking ten years of my age for those that are ageist and won't meet me?"
52 fits in quite snugly for what I seek. Do you ladies even read profiles |
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"Such a lovely song there Joy
That's just the start of my song complication
Just thought I'd give this a Bank Holiday bump!!
Unclejizzy really does give the creme de la creme of personal advice "
.....don't bump Uncle Jizzy too vigorously....as you might just,end up with some of his personal creme de la creme all over you....he's a bit full at the minute as he is on belated Lent....no masturbation makes Uncle Jizzy a randy boy....
 |
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"Sounds like you've been hiding in those bushes for WAY too long!!
If Uncle knows if any saucy females out there, feel free to connect us, in turn Joy will be sending this thread further praises "
Oooohhhh 6ftofJoy, you not so little 35" legged diamond, your going on Uncle Jizzy's Christmas list for the praise and bumps of his silly thread....you'll be sure to receive a good sack full from me....when I finally find my way out of this bastard bush.... |
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By *ftofJoyWoman
over a year ago
Harpenden |
A sack full of sexy ladies oh yes please Uncle lucky me!
Just make sure their bushes are nice and trimmed, after hiding in them for so long I'm sure you're quite the expert on a good pruning.
Or even better no bush at all! |
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"A sack full of sexy ladies oh yes please Uncle lucky me!
Just make sure their bushes are nice and trimmed, after hiding in them for so long I'm sure you're quite the expert on a good pruning.
Or even better no bush at all! "
Would Uncle Jizzy ever let you down 6ftofJoy.....a Sack full of ladies you shall have, it will be a magical lady sack...
Don't you worry....once I find my way out of this bastard bush, them ladies will be preened meticulously for you with my bush barbering skills....I might even trim in some lovely downstairs Art Nouveaux patterns for you to admire and inspect...as well as the requested fully scalped garden.... |
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By *ftofJoyWoman
over a year ago
Harpenden |
Art Nouveaux I'm more of a Dr. Brainwash solminer myself... Would you like to see my favourite of his:
https://i.pinimg.com/originals/53/87/b5/5387b5c1c0e4b6f7936d3ff3a056cbfb.jpg
That's pretty much how I feel about my quest here. Any Ladies out there Uncle Jizzy? The ones I desire are too far for me to travel to tonight, the waters are rather dry down south.
I'm concerned about Mr. Red Hot Willy Pepper hope he has survived to tell the tail.
Carp on. Rock on. And have a very FAB bank holiday everyone xx |
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"
That's pretty much how I feel about my quest here. Any Ladies out there Uncle Jizzy? The ones I desire are too far for me to travel to tonight, the waters are rather dry down south.
I'm concerned about Mr. Red Hot Willy Pepper hope he has survived to tell the tail.
Carp on. Rock on. And have a very FAB bank holiday everyone xx"
That's beautiful 6ftofJoy!
Uncle Jizzy will do his best to ladyscape an image similar to above on the sack full of ladies for you!!
As your picture says....never never give up...Uncle Jizzy is going to find you them magic ladies....if not he's gonna cut off his own sausage and make a hole to change genders for you....I already have the boobs now after a serious pie eating session!!
I too am very concerned about our very own Mr Red Hot Willy Pepper....I think there was a monster carp that has fully sucked him in whilst he was cooling his member off!!! |
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Dear animal related user,
Uncle Jizzy has your back covered, this problem is faced by all members...apart from the single males....
Unfortunately men are stupid, they have the mental capacity of punch d*unk boxer!
I suggest you put a photo on your profile stating what you don't want in a single male...as the single male is too stupid to read a profile, fun fact 98.7% are illiterate....this is the reason said problem person responded with just one word answers like “Randy” and “sex”....
If they become abusive after a polite Fuck Off....flip the coin....pretend you are interested, get the to agree to a meet at their house, then when you have their address purchase one of Uncle Jizzy's patented world famous exploding Dog Shit letter b0mbs, mail that over to the bastard to teach him a lesson!! (Currently on offer, 2 for the price of 3)
Never ever feel bad for ignoring a single male, you can't hurt their feelings....they are emotionless robots with minimal brain cells!!
Don't punish everyone for the few idiots as a blocked person may just be the one for you...
But If they can't string a sentence together or can't take rejection...kindly pass them your Uncle Jizzy's number for some sound personal advice!!! |
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