FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > The term ‘Dominant’
The term ‘Dominant’
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I would like to declare that the above term is quite simply misunderstood by the vast majority who throw it around.
I have had no less than three encounters with men who term themselves this, and each has left me feeling anxious and on occasion, scared.
This is not because of my misunderstanding of what ‘dom’ means, but theirs.
Yes, I have learnt from each. No I shan’t be doing it again. The details of each are quite different, I didn’t go back to the same shitty situation again.
I just wanted to know if anyone else has had similar experiences, and to say sometimes the world sucks (and not in a good way)
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
I'm sorry you experienced that.
I would have thought getting to know someone well and building trust would be essential for a dom/sub relationship. I can't see how it would really work as a one-off, without some element of danger and misunderstanding of what is and isn't acceptable.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There are many people that don't understand D/s but there are also a lot of different types of Dominant. I would never play with a 'dom' without learning what makes them tick first, what experience they have and what their expectations are |
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"I'm sorry you experienced that.
I would have thought getting to know someone well and building trust would be essential for a dom/sub relationship. I can't see how it would really work as a one-off, without some element of danger and misunderstanding of what is and isn't acceptable.
"
Yes, I absolutely agree. The experience that has led me to this was a simple date, with a guy who declared himself a Dom halfway through. What this equated to essentially was a man who wouldn’t take no for an answer, that was his version of being a dom. I knew I wasn’t going to have sex, that had been spelt out loud and clear prior to the date but he wouldn’t take no for an answer until I was very very loud about it. This was in public btw. Sorry I’m a bit upset and angry about it.
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"There are many people that don't understand D/s but there are also a lot of different types of Dominant. I would never play with a 'dom' without learning what makes them tick first, what experience they have and what their expectations are "
This is really good advice, I was in a situation that I didn’t expect someone to declare they were a Dom and what this meant to them? Thank you though, I think you’ve made some really good points x |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Sadly there are many who misunderstand both the term "dominant" and it's opposite "submissive" - or perhaps more accurately have a different interpretation of them than you or I do - because in all honesty it can mean many things to many people - which is why understanding ones own definition and finding those that match it is the key here.
There really is no "right" way to D/s only your way - sure there are some who see it as a means to be abusive and there are many horror stories to be had - but to an extent, and without wishing to sound like I am victim blaming, because I'm not, it's important for both dominant and submissives to take responsibility for their own safety and be as sure as they can be that potential partners are on the same page before indulging in play.
That can only come from lengthy discussion and honest communication in both directions - during which limits are established, protocol is discussed and it is made clear by both sides what their expectations are - without that, and more, abuse or finding the wrong partner are easily done.
Of course this doesn't entirely avoid the possibility of bad things happening but it guards against them and those who don't have a degree of understanding of the dynamic usually show themselves through doing so.
Sorry that it has happened to you though - it's never right when it does. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I'm sorry you experienced that.
I would have thought getting to know someone well and building trust would be essential for a dom/sub relationship. I can't see how it would really work as a one-off, without some element of danger and misunderstanding of what is and isn't acceptable.
Yes, I absolutely agree. The experience that has led me to this was a simple date, with a guy who declared himself a Dom halfway through. What this equated to essentially was a man who wouldn’t take no for an answer, that was his version of being a dom. I knew I wasn’t going to have sex, that had been spelt out loud and clear prior to the date but he wouldn’t take no for an answer until I was very very loud about it. This was in public btw. Sorry I’m a bit upset and angry about it.
"
That is not a dom and not what you were looking for. If he's on here block him and on your phone. Report him if he persists.
I hope you feel better soon and don't take his behaviour as typical.
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"There are many people that don't understand D/s but there are also a lot of different types of Dominant. I would never play with a 'dom' without learning what makes them tick first, what experience they have and what their expectations are
This is really good advice, I was in a situation that I didn’t expect someone to declare they were a Dom and what this meant to them? Thank you though, I think you’ve made some really good points x"
Ah! That puts an entirely different perspective on it and I think under those circumstances I'd have been inclined to get up and walk away as soon as they started to show their true selves and make demands that you weren't comfortable with. |
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"There are many people that don't understand D/s but there are also a lot of different types of Dominant. I would never play with a 'dom' without learning what makes them tick first, what experience they have and what their expectations are
This is really good advice, I was in a situation that I didn’t expect someone to declare they were a Dom and what this meant to them? Thank you though, I think you’ve made some really good points x
Ah! That puts an entirely different perspective on it and I think under those circumstances I'd have been inclined to get up and walk away as soon as they started to show their true selves and make demands that you weren't comfortable with."
I left as soon as I could, he followed me to the train station and attempted to get on the train with me back home until I was very loud and vocal  |
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"I'm sorry you experienced that.
I would have thought getting to know someone well and building trust would be essential for a dom/sub relationship. I can't see how it would really work as a one-off, without some element of danger and misunderstanding of what is and isn't acceptable.
Yes, I absolutely agree. The experience that has led me to this was a simple date, with a guy who declared himself a Dom halfway through. What this equated to essentially was a man who wouldn’t take no for an answer, that was his version of being a dom. I knew I wasn’t going to have sex, that had been spelt out loud and clear prior to the date but he wouldn’t take no for an answer until I was very very loud about it. This was in public btw. Sorry I’m a bit upset and angry about it.
That is not a dom and not what you were looking for. If he's on here block him and on your phone. Report him if he persists.
I hope you feel better soon and don't take his behaviour as typical.
"
Thank you, I have blocked and deleted etc. Just left me feeling not very nice |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"There are many people that don't understand D/s but there are also a lot of different types of Dominant. I would never play with a 'dom' without learning what makes them tick first, what experience they have and what their expectations are
This is really good advice, I was in a situation that I didn’t expect someone to declare they were a Dom and what this meant to them? Thank you though, I think you’ve made some really good points x
Ah! That puts an entirely different perspective on it and I think under those circumstances I'd have been inclined to get up and walk away as soon as they started to show their true selves and make demands that you weren't comfortable with.
I left as soon as I could, he followed me to the train station and attempted to get on the train with me back home until I was very loud and vocal "
Keep an eye out and report him if he makes another move.
That's not a misunderstanding of domination it is straight out intimidation and entitlement.
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"There are many people that don't understand D/s but there are also a lot of different types of Dominant. I would never play with a 'dom' without learning what makes them tick first, what experience they have and what their expectations are
This is really good advice, I was in a situation that I didn’t expect someone to declare they were a Dom and what this meant to them? Thank you though, I think you’ve made some really good points x
Ah! That puts an entirely different perspective on it and I think under those circumstances I'd have been inclined to get up and walk away as soon as they started to show their true selves and make demands that you weren't comfortable with.
I left as soon as I could, he followed me to the train station and attempted to get on the train with me back home until I was very loud and vocal "
Scary indeed and definitely not an experience anyone should have to go through - sadly there are those put there like that and you can only safeguard yourself as best you can against them.
Glad you're safe |
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"There are many people that don't understand D/s but there are also a lot of different types of Dominant. I would never play with a 'dom' without learning what makes them tick first, what experience they have and what their expectations are
This is really good advice, I was in a situation that I didn’t expect someone to declare they were a Dom and what this meant to them? Thank you though, I think you’ve made some really good points x
Ah! That puts an entirely different perspective on it and I think under those circumstances I'd have been inclined to get up and walk away as soon as they started to show their true selves and make demands that you weren't comfortable with.
I left as soon as I could, he followed me to the train station and attempted to get on the train with me back home until I was very loud and vocal "
Oh sweetheart this is a horrible situation to have found yourself in, I'm so glad you were strong enough to have loudly spoken up! Don't let the unsettled feeling linger though, accept, process and move on xx |
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By *an_LexaCouple
over a year ago
Sunderland |
This was more a case of him being a dick than being a Dom. The 2 aren’t always one and the same just because he presented himself as such. It’s possible to be one without being the other. And that does work both ways.
Sorry to hear about your bad experience but pleased you were in a sensible position to be able do what you felt necessary to get away from it.
Lex |
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I’ve not read through the thread yet but wanted to put my experience out there.
I met a guy who called himself a Dom, at the time I was a little naive. Met him in a bar and was going to be strictly social. However I really liked him and the flirting was fun and accepted his invitation to go back to his. Big mistake.
As soon as the bedroom door was closed he changed, he became a “Dom” more like a Christian Grey bully wannabe. I won’t go into everything that happened but I had the feeling that if I said no it would turn into something else. For example I could sense he was taking photos or a video, I said no yet he carried on.
Fast forward a few days later, I received some photos of his fwb tied up, blind folded and naked. I knew from what he told me she was like me, didn’t like photos so despite him telling me she knew he was taking them and sending them to me that actually she was unaware. I challenged him and deleted the photos. The next day I got a very apologetic message from him saying she was unaware and he feels terrible for it. I let loose on him, I was furious! Deleted, blocked etc.
About a year later he found me on here, reported him, deleted and blocked.
The next time I was with a guy and he got such toys out I cried, I got into such a panic. Thankfully the guy was very understanding.
I now avoid “Dom’s” I don’t have the trust |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm sorry you experienced that.
I would have thought getting to know someone well and building trust would be essential for a dom/sub relationship. I can't see how it would really work as a one-off, without some element of danger and misunderstanding of what is and isn't acceptable.
Yes, I absolutely agree. The experience that has led me to this was a simple date, with a guy who declared himself a Dom halfway through. What this equated to essentially was a man who wouldn’t take no for an answer, that was his version of being a dom. I knew I wasn’t going to have sex, that had been spelt out loud and clear prior to the date but he wouldn’t take no for an answer until I was very very loud about it. This was in public btw. Sorry I’m a bit upset and angry about it.
"
Apart from what everyone else has said about him not actually being a Dom, the fact remains even if he was a Dom doesn't mean for one minute you are a Sub and even if you were, doesn't mean you are willing to be his sub.
Declaring it like that during a date and then doing what he did is seriously messed up. At most he could have brought up that he has an interest in a Ds relationship and see how you respond, but I don't think that was really appropriate first date talk either. Sometimes I worry about some of the people of Fab who advertise in their status they are a Sub looking for a Dom, because if they are not an experienced Sub they are just asking for trouble in my opinion.
We had a guy on Fab contact us, a few messages in he started saying he wanted me to rim him. I told him no, twice, and then he said as my sub if I tell you to do it you have to.
So I replied saying I am not a Sub and you are certainly no Dom. Then blocked him. |
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Yeah they are usually idiots. But hey, a lot of the women out there think being "submissive" means letting a stranger beat them till they bruise the first time they have sex.
People are just nuts really. |
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There are an awful lot of idiots out there who think that being "Dominant" means getting their own way with a woman and being able to say or do anything with no recourse. They want their own private sex slave. In my view they are particularly nasty.
There are also many women who say they are submissive, but in truth, they like submissive things, like a bit of spanking, restraint and a blindfold. They are a long way from being a submissive.
My concern is when the 2 types meet up- both knowing what they want but neither knowing how to handle each other. I've heard a number of stories where things end up going badly for the woman because the man thinks he can do as he pleases. In many cases it ends up being non-consensual.
All because of some Christian Geey wannabe. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dom and dommer."
This made me chuckle, thanks E.
OP, I’m so sorry you had such a shitty experience with such a prick, glad you’re ok and safe, it does sound as though he was just an entitled knob who was trying to push it.
I was recently thinking about the definition of a Dom or a Domme, as many have said in this thread, D/s is a very hard thing to define and each of us have our own ways of understanding that dynamic.
I would never describe myself as one, yet many of the women I have met have done so.
When I think of what a Dom is, it’s actually someone who is very caring and observant to the needs of those they meet. I had a long chat with someone about where the power lies in a D/s dynamic, and by the end of it, we had both agreed that the power lies with the s, not the Dom. That actually the role of the D is one of care giver, despite the actions that might make up that ‘care’.
So so many, as someone said ‘Christian Grey’, think it’s a huge power trip for the D and I think many men think that’s gives them a blank cheque to abuse people, and I do think it’s abuse in a lot of cases. It’s mad, in my opinion, it’s something that relies so heavily on absolute respect and trust so to come at it with any other MO is just proof that they know nothing about what it really means.
OP, again, I’m sorry you met such a knob and hope it hasn’t put you off the Dom dynamic in the future, when it works with the right people, it really is a very special moment.
Onwards and upwards x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This is not as uncommon as some may think.
Male privilege and entitlment with the new wave of abusive porn instills habits which seem to becoming socially acceptable!!
95% of porn is made for the Male market and the trend currently is a what they perceive is a "dom" Choking a woman, forcing her to take a cock in all holes roughly.
In essence phyiscal abuse of a woman or R. A. P. E.
Come to the real world and a wanna be supposed "Dom" does not even consider..CONSENT..
Without it you are breaking the law...
I would be informing the police of this incident before another victim is taken...
Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I would like to declare that the above term is quite simply misunderstood by the vast majority who throw it around.
I have had no less than three encounters with men who term themselves this, and each has left me feeling anxious and on occasion, scared.
This is not because of my misunderstanding of what ‘dom’ means, but theirs.
Yes, I have learnt from each. No I shan’t be doing it again. The details of each are quite different, I didn’t go back to the same shitty situation again.
I just wanted to know if anyone else has had similar experiences, and to say sometimes the world sucks (and not in a good way)
"
ahhhh they were dominant a forceful way rather than leading the occasion  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"ahhhh they were dominant a forceful way rather than leading the occasion "
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings. |
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I’m laying in bed reflecting more on this and tbh I think I’ve had a lucky escape. Someone described him as ‘entitled’ and I think that was exactly it. He felt that he was entitled to whatever he wanted.
I asked him if we got down to sex and I said no what does that mean to him. He said he would decide on the occasion whether than no really meant no, he’d be able to tell apparently.
That was the exact point I went back to the train station (and was followed, he tried to get on the train with me).
I am far too polite and should’ve done that much earlier when he continued to push his hands up my skirt even when I’d said no a few times but it continued. Thankfully I kept my wits about my and didn’t get d*unk. I felt incredibly vulnerable at times.
And as I said previously this wasn’t someone I’d chosen as a Dom, nor was this someone I had wanted to be sub with, even though this doesn’t even fall into that?
Eurghhh just an odd horrible situation that definitely wasn’t positive. He wasn’t off this site, i am learning an awful lot about people and myself right now.
Thank you for your feedback everyone. |
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"This is not as uncommon as some may think.
Male privilege and entitlment with the new wave of abusive porn instills habits which seem to becoming socially acceptable!!
95% of porn is made for the Male market and the trend currently is a what they perceive is a "dom" Choking a woman, forcing her to take a cock in all holes roughly.
In essence phyiscal abuse of a woman or R. A. P. E.
Come to the real world and a wanna be supposed "Dom" does not even consider..CONSENT..
Without it you are breaking the law...
I would be informing the police of this incident before another victim is taken...
Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.
"
He spoke about anal a number of times, even though I’d said no categorically. He asked for my fantasies a number of times even though I said no.
Yes, I think he watched far too much porn |
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I'm a dom and most men don't like being submissive. I find it difficult finding the right guy here. Guess good communication from the word go is what makes it will work. There's always going to be men who message you with no clue about it, they're just not the right person for you. Even after educating them. |
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"Need to know each other very well before any such play can be considered.
Like it's been said before everyone has very different opinions on what's considered dominant."
The issue is I went into this as a simple date, this was never supposed to be anything other than that?
The first occasion I met a ‘Dom’, wanting that experience, I didn’t do what you described and I left the flat bleeding and bruised and I said never ever again, without discussion as you said.
The second time I started more of what you describe above with someone different he pushed me and pushed me even when I’d been clear what my limits were over a few occasions, and the turning point was when after my last contact with him he asked me if I would bring one of my children into the play. Absolutely fucking disgusting. So, I thought I’d learnt, I knew the type to stay away away from etc.
This took me by surprise. |
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"I’m laying in bed reflecting more on this and tbh I think I’ve had a lucky escape. Someone described him as ‘entitled’ and I think that was exactly it. He felt that he was entitled to whatever he wanted.
I asked him if we got down to sex and I said no what does that mean to him. He said he would decide on the occasion whether than no really meant no, he’d be able to tell apparently.
That was the exact point I went back to the train station (and was followed, he tried to get on the train with me).
I am far too polite and should’ve done that much earlier when he continued to push his hands up my skirt even when I’d said no a few times but it continued. Thankfully I kept my wits about my and didn’t get d*unk. I felt incredibly vulnerable at times.
And as I said previously this wasn’t someone I’d chosen as a Dom, nor was this someone I had wanted to be sub with, even though this doesn’t even fall into that?
Eurghhh just an odd horrible situation that definitely wasn’t positive. He wasn’t off this site, i am learning an awful lot about people and myself right now.
Thank you for your feedback everyone. "
This sounds really frightening, I'm sorry this happened to you. I do seek dominant men so this is something I'm wary of - always like to have a social in a public place, as you did. This guy just sounds like a narcissistic nobber, not a dom. Take care of yourself.
Mrs TMN x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"ahhhh they were dominant a forceful way rather than leading the occasion
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings."
I can't save |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dominance requires submission (and vice versa), a lot of people seem to forget that though."
that would be because you can't force something it either comes naturally or it doesn't come, sex is an intimate thing if you're enjoying it then you are lost in the moment, if you're thinking about anything else you're either not enjoying it or youre a machine |
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"I'm sorry you experienced that.
I would have thought getting to know someone well and building trust would be essential for a dom/sub relationship. I can't see how it would really work as a one-off, without some element of danger and misunderstanding of what is and isn't acceptable.
Yes, I absolutely agree. The experience that has led me to this was a simple date, with a guy who declared himself a Dom halfway through. What this equated to essentially was a man who wouldn’t take no for an answer, that was his version of being a dom. I knew I wasn’t going to have sex, that had been spelt out loud and clear prior to the date but he wouldn’t take no for an answer until I was very very loud about it. This was in public btw. Sorry I’m a bit upset and angry about it.
"
That says nothing about dom or have anything to do with dom. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Need to know each other very well before any such play can be considered.
Like it's been said before everyone has very different opinions on what's considered dominant.
The issue is I went into this as a simple date, this was never supposed to be anything other than that?
The first occasion I met a ‘Dom’, wanting that experience, I didn’t do what you described and I left the flat bleeding and bruised and I said never ever again, without discussion as you said.
The second time I started more of what you describe above with someone different he pushed me and pushed me even when I’d been clear what my limits were over a few occasions, and the turning point was when after my last contact with him he asked me if I would bring one of my children into the play. Absolutely fucking disgusting. So, I thought I’d learnt, I knew the type to stay away away from etc.
This took me by surprise."
OMG if someone asked to bring a child into any type of play I'd have went straight to the police that's horrendous.
KJ x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’m laying in bed reflecting more on this and tbh I think I’ve had a lucky escape. Someone described him as ‘entitled’ and I think that was exactly it. He felt that he was entitled to whatever he wanted.
I asked him if we got down to sex and I said no what does that mean to him. He said he would decide on the occasion whether than no really meant no, he’d be able to tell apparently.
That was the exact point I went back to the train station (and was followed, he tried to get on the train with me).
I am far too polite and should’ve done that much earlier when he continued to push his hands up my skirt even when I’d said no a few times but it continued. Thankfully I kept my wits about my and didn’t get d*unk. I felt incredibly vulnerable at times.
And as I said previously this wasn’t someone I’d chosen as a Dom, nor was this someone I had wanted to be sub with, even though this doesn’t even fall into that?
Eurghhh just an odd horrible situation that definitely wasn’t positive. He wasn’t off this site, i am learning an awful lot about people and myself right now.
Thank you for your feedback everyone. "
A life lesson perhaps.
The lesson for all woman is the same.
Male privilege and the intimidation and abuse that comes with it should be stamped out!!!
Woman need to take a stand (and pepper spray and a swift stiletto to the bollocks!!!!)
Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings..
Wherever they are.
At home, on a bus, in a car, shops, pub, nightclub, on a date or in the bedroom.
This is not about whether you are submissive or not.
This is about feeling safe!!! |
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The whole D/S (a very simplistic term) scene- is riddled with hangers on and people who use the fact they are in a 'scene' to abrogate all responsibility that is invested playing and who know nothing of the physical and mental practicalities of BDSM. Fab has it's own issues in this regard, but the BDSM scene can be particularly difficult to navigate, so yes, lucky escape. I know from painful and expensive experience. 'Entitlement' is an awful thing. |
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"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser  "
I was on a date, in public, with a guy I’d been chatting to for a while? I wasn’t going looking for sex. Not sure how much wiser I could’ve been tbh.
Thanks for your input though |
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"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser "
Part of choosing wiser is knowing what to look out for. And sometimes the warning signs aren't there until it's too late. Talking about these labels and how they're used allows us to protect ourselves and each other, by discussing our experiences.
Women already do a lot to protect themselves. |
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That’s not a Dom, that’s a dickhead.
Unfortunately there are many on this site that don’t seem to know the difference.
It’s true that there are lots of different types of Dom, but this example isn’t one of them.
I’m really sorry you had to experience this. |
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"Need to know each other very well before any such play can be considered.
Like it's been said before everyone has very different opinions on what's considered dominant.
The issue is I went into this as a simple date, this was never supposed to be anything other than that?
The first occasion I met a ‘Dom’, wanting that experience, I didn’t do what you described and I left the flat bleeding and bruised and I said never ever again, without discussion as you said.
The second time I started more of what you describe above with someone different he pushed me and pushed me even when I’d been clear what my limits were over a few occasions, and the turning point was when after my last contact with him he asked me if I would bring one of my children into the play. Absolutely fucking disgusting. So, I thought I’d learnt, I knew the type to stay away away from etc.
This took me by surprise."
Sounds like a total lack of respect and care.
So wrong on so many levels, No dominance there it just sounds all wrong on so many levels!!
Really sorry to hear experiences was so awful and disturbing. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!"
women can also be bullies |
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And the "no true dom" thing is tiresome/ unhelpful here tbh.
Fact is, people use the words dominant and alpha both to discuss appropriate preferences/ kinks, but also abuse or violence. It might horrify the "true" doms or alphas, but, frankly, tough shit. It's a fact that people need to navigate and discuss in order to protect themselves. |
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"Need to know each other very well before any such play can be considered.
Like it's been said before everyone has very different opinions on what's considered dominant.
The issue is I went into this as a simple date, this was never supposed to be anything other than that?
The first occasion I met a ‘Dom’, wanting that experience, I didn’t do what you described and I left the flat bleeding and bruised and I said never ever again, without discussion as you said.
The second time I started more of what you describe above with someone different he pushed me and pushed me even when I’d been clear what my limits were over a few occasions, and the turning point was when after my last contact with him he asked me if I would bring one of my children into the play. Absolutely fucking disgusting. So, I thought I’d learnt, I knew the type to stay away away from etc.
This took me by surprise.
OMG if someone asked to bring a child into any type of play I'd have went straight to the police that's horrendous.
KJ x "
Straight to the police....jeez this made me feel sick |
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"This is not as uncommon as some may think.
Male privilege and entitlment with the new wave of abusive porn instills habits which seem to becoming socially acceptable!!
95% of porn is made for the Male market and the trend currently is a what they perceive is a "dom" Choking a woman, forcing her to take a cock in all holes roughly.
In essence phyiscal abuse of a woman or R. A. P. E.
Come to the real world and a wanna be supposed "Dom" does not even consider..CONSENT..
Without it you are breaking the law...
I would be informing the police of this incident before another victim is taken...
Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.
"
Porn as nothing to do with the situation. The simple fact is he was feeling entitled. Being a dom actually means putting the lady satisfaction first. |
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"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies "
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? |
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|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? "
not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping |
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"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping "
Maybe you should read better. This happened in public. |
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|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping "
dont care prob the wrong word its dumb when folk do dumb shit its sad when it happens but its all a lesson |
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"I think some people (especially some men) rely on our politeness to override our consent.
Agree. That's why men who complain about us not having manners get flak for it. "
I get flak for being rude and not taking chances on good people. My safety overrides other people's feelings. |
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"Dominance requires submission (and vice versa), a lot of people seem to forget that though.
that would be because you can't force something it either comes naturally or it doesn't come, sex is an intimate thing if you're enjoying it then you are lost in the moment, if you're thinking about anything else you're either not enjoying it or youre a machine "
I was more referring to consent. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
Maybe you should read better. This happened in public. "
or read any of it thats just a dickhead |
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"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping "
I was in Birmingham city centre, I never removed a single item of clothing, I was never going to. I was in a restaurant and a couple of bars. Please read what I’ve written again x |
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"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
Maybe you should read better. This happened in public. or read any of it thats just a dickhead "
You're not helping. At all. |
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I'm somewhat passive as opposed to submissive and the so called "Dom types" cannot differentiate the two ... very few Dominants on here sadly..... just a bunch of wannabes on the whole..
...Just my take on it of course |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I will not meet anyone who claims to be Dom. They are mostly bullies who want to hurt and abuse women. They have no respect for the person they play with.
I am not into the bdsm scene but it’s usually very obvious who is a true Dom who respects their sub and their well-being rather than the moron who thinks 50 shades is the bdsm bible
|
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"The experience that has led me to this was a simple date, with a guy who declared himself a Dom halfway through. What this equated to essentially was a man who wouldn’t take no for an answer, that was his version of being a dom. I knew I wasn’t going to have sex, that had been spelt out loud and clear prior to the date but he wouldn’t take no for an answer until I was very very loud about it. This was in public btw. Sorry I’m a bit upset and angry about it."
Goodness that is just awful, sorry to hear of your terrible experience.
Those types are commonly known as ignorant bullies. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"This is not as uncommon as some may think.
Male privilege and entitlment with the new wave of abusive porn instills habits which seem to becoming socially acceptable!!
95% of porn is made for the Male market and the trend currently is a what they perceive is a "dom" Choking a woman, forcing her to take a cock in all holes roughly.
In essence phyiscal abuse of a woman or R. A. P. E.
Come to the real world and a wanna be supposed "Dom" does not even consider..CONSENT..
Without it you are breaking the law...
I would be informing the police of this incident before another victim is taken...
Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.
Porn as nothing to do with the situation. The simple fact is he was feeling entitled. Being a dom actually means putting the lady satisfaction first."
Porn sadly has a lot to do with the situation - the fact that BDSM porn is so readily available and is usually the whips and chains abusive variety is what leads many to misunderstand what dominance and indeed submission mean.
Most BDSM related porn depicts a dominant taking complete control and doing what they want, and the submissive appearing to blindly accept it from the outset - it doesn't ever depict the negotiation and setting of boundaries and safe words and various other necessary factors beforehand - and that in itself leads a novice dominant or submissive to believe that is the way it should be and act in the way that this guy, and sadly many others, do and did.
So porn and those books have a heck of a lot to do with it.
My advice to *anyone* dominant or submissive with an interest in getting involved is to forget BDSM porn and those books and read as much as they can and become as informed about their own position as they can before even consider stepping into the world and meeting people.
The situation the OP found herself in was unavoidable by the sounds of things and beyond leaving at the first sign of him not being right, there's not a great deal more she could have done - and even then it sounds like he wasn't to be deterred by a simple "no" which is abhorrent in itself. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
I was in Birmingham city centre, I never removed a single item of clothing, I was never going to. I was in a restaurant and a couple of bars. Please read what I’ve written again x"
i have and the kid one is a fucktard the first is partly on you tho going back to his flat without knowing the kind of guy he is abuse aint sex |
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"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
I was in Birmingham city centre, I never removed a single item of clothing, I was never going to. I was in a restaurant and a couple of bars. Please read what I’ve written again xi have and the kid one is a fucktard the first is partly on you tho going back to his flat without knowing the kind of guy he is abuse aint sex "
Err... She didn't go to his flat. |
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|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
Maybe you should read better. This happened in public. or read any of it thats just a dickhead
You're not helping. At all. "
why cos you say so not one has anyone asked for help just stated the obvious is all she did nothing wrong with that |
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|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
I was in Birmingham city centre, I never removed a single item of clothing, I was never going to. I was in a restaurant and a couple of bars. Please read what I’ve written again xi have and the kid one is a fucktard the first is partly on you tho going back to his flat without knowing the kind of guy he is abuse aint sex
Err... She didn't go to his flat. "
"
The first occasion I met a ‘Dom’, wanting that experience, I didn’t do what you described and I left the flat bleeding and bruised and I said never ever again, without discussion as you said.
"
thats what it says |
Reply privately, Reply in forum +quote
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"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
I was in Birmingham city centre, I never removed a single item of clothing, I was never going to. I was in a restaurant and a couple of bars. Please read what I’ve written again xi have and the kid one is a fucktard the first is partly on you tho going back to his flat without knowing the kind of guy he is abuse aint sex
Err... She didn't go to his flat.
The first occasion I met a ‘Dom’, wanting that experience, I didn’t do what you described and I left the flat bleeding and bruised and I said never ever again, without discussion as you said.
thats what it says "
She made a mistake her first time. *this time* they were in public and it still went wrong.
Can women talk about being hurt and frightened without being blamed? |
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By *sGivesWoodWoman
over a year ago
ST. AUSTELL, CORNWALL |
"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
I was in Birmingham city centre, I never removed a single item of clothing, I was never going to. I was in a restaurant and a couple of bars. Please read what I’ve written again xi have and the kid one is a fucktard the first is partly on you tho going back to his flat without knowing the kind of guy he is abuse aint sex "
SHE didn't go back to his flat. She was in public places. HE tried to follow her home and HE was in the wrong. SHE met him in a public place to get to know him. I don't see why you are having a problem with the facts. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
Maybe you should read better. This happened in public. or read any of it thats just a dickhead
You're not helping. At all. why cos you say so not one has anyone asked for help just stated the obvious is all she did nothing wrong with that "
My dear LOO - I think the problem is to an extent it appears you're victim blaming with some of your comments and that's how it's not helping.
Acknowledge that you've said the guy was a dickhead, and that is undeniable - and it's true *some* submissives don't help themselves because they don't truly understand the situation and BDSM and believe that their place is to do as they're told and they don't put their safety first through lack of knowledge - but the abuse is on the part of the abuser not the abused always. |
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By *sGivesWoodWoman
over a year ago
ST. AUSTELL, CORNWALL |
"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
I was in Birmingham city centre, I never removed a single item of clothing, I was never going to. I was in a restaurant and a couple of bars. Please read what I’ve written again xi have and the kid one is a fucktard the first is partly on you tho going back to his flat without knowing the kind of guy he is abuse aint sex
Err... She didn't go to his flat.
The first occasion I met a ‘Dom’, wanting that experience, I didn’t do what you described and I left the flat bleeding and bruised and I said never ever again, without discussion as you said.
thats what it says
She made a mistake her first time. *this time* they were in public and it still went wrong.
Can women talk about being hurt and frightened without being blamed? "
Clearly not with bullying men contributing.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm sorry you experienced that.
I would have thought getting to know someone well and building trust would be essential for a dom/sub relationship. I can't see how it would really work as a one-off, without some element of danger and misunderstanding of what is and isn't acceptable.
"
My very first thoughts.
As with any kink or interest, ones focus can cause many to overlook or ignore some very basic preparations in that quest, even moreso considering the subject. This can easily lead to blaming others too.
I do agree with some of the sentiments that the OP expresses and sorry this has happened to her. I have founf 50 shades of shit has as much to do with it as do the women who read it thinking this is great and made it such a big seller. I'd say this is what fuelled many controlling characters to use it as a ruse to feed their fantasies too. Bit of a chicken and egg and neither can blame the other for the problem.
As with most successful meets, good preparation is needed on both sides.
NB a proper Dom/Somme will not come across strong or aggressive even in language. Unlike many, they don't need to. They've nothing to prove to others or themselves.
As someone who has been called an Alpha and have D/s experience, I would call myself an Omega rather than Alpha. There's a significant difference too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
I was in Birmingham city centre, I never removed a single item of clothing, I was never going to. I was in a restaurant and a couple of bars. Please read what I’ve written again xi have and the kid one is a fucktard the first is partly on you tho going back to his flat without knowing the kind of guy he is abuse aint sex
Err... She didn't go to his flat.
The first occasion I met a ‘Dom’, wanting that experience, I didn’t do what you described and I left the flat bleeding and bruised and I said never ever again, without discussion as you said.
thats what it says
She made a mistake her first time. *this time* they were in public and it still went wrong.
Can women talk about being hurt and frightened without being blamed? "
and i said exactly that 2nd guy was a dickhead  so u telling me women arnt responsible for there own decisions now i never blamed her for it she shares blame for it going wrong funny how your making out women always get blamed for things on a site where most of the time the get there arse publicly kissed and single men are looked down upon as dribbling testosterone fuck any hole in site bottom feeders yes the poor girl had a bad experience and its sad that it still affects her all im saying is theres 2 sides to everything |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
I was in Birmingham city centre, I never removed a single item of clothing, I was never going to. I was in a restaurant and a couple of bars. Please read what I’ve written again xi have and the kid one is a fucktard the first is partly on you tho going back to his flat without knowing the kind of guy he is abuse aint sex
SHE didn't go back to his flat. She was in public places. HE tried to follow her home and HE was in the wrong. SHE met him in a public place to get to know him. I don't see why you are having a problem with the facts. "
"
The first occasion I met a ‘Dom’, wanting that experience, I didn’t do what you described and I left the flat bleeding and bruised and I said never ever again, without discussion as you said.
"
thats what it says |
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|
By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
Maybe you should read better. This happened in public. or read any of it thats just a dickhead
You're not helping. At all. why cos you say so not one has anyone asked for help just stated the obvious is all she did nothing wrong with that
My dear LOO - I think the problem is to an extent it appears you're victim blaming with some of your comments and that's how it's not helping.
Acknowledge that you've said the guy was a dickhead, and that is undeniable - and it's true *some* submissives don't help themselves because they don't truly understand the situation and BDSM and believe that their place is to do as they're told and they don't put their safety first through lack of knowledge - but the abuse is on the part of the abuser not the abused always. "
im not blaming her at all im just saying theres 2 sides |
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By *sGivesWoodWoman
over a year ago
ST. AUSTELL, CORNWALL |
"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
I was in Birmingham city centre, I never removed a single item of clothing, I was never going to. I was in a restaurant and a couple of bars. Please read what I’ve written again xi have and the kid one is a fucktard the first is partly on you tho going back to his flat without knowing the kind of guy he is abuse aint sex
SHE didn't go back to his flat. She was in public places. HE tried to follow her home and HE was in the wrong. SHE met him in a public place to get to know him. I don't see why you are having a problem with the facts.
The first occasion I met a ‘Dom’, wanting that experience, I didn’t do what you described and I left the flat bleeding and bruised and I said never ever again, without discussion as you said.
thats what it says "
I was referring to the OP |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
I was in Birmingham city centre, I never removed a single item of clothing, I was never going to. I was in a restaurant and a couple of bars. Please read what I’ve written again xi have and the kid one is a fucktard the first is partly on you tho going back to his flat without knowing the kind of guy he is abuse aint sex
SHE didn't go back to his flat. She was in public places. HE tried to follow her home and HE was in the wrong. SHE met him in a public place to get to know him. I don't see why you are having a problem with the facts.
The first occasion I met a ‘Dom’, wanting that experience, I didn’t do what you described and I left the flat bleeding and bruised and I said never ever again, without discussion as you said.
thats what it says
I was referring to the OP "
thats weird stalker behaviour not sex dom sub stuff aint bugger all to do with a loony |
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By *sGivesWoodWoman
over a year ago
ST. AUSTELL, CORNWALL |
"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
I was in Birmingham city centre, I never removed a single item of clothing, I was never going to. I was in a restaurant and a couple of bars. Please read what I’ve written again xi have and the kid one is a fucktard the first is partly on you tho going back to his flat without knowing the kind of guy he is abuse aint sex
SHE didn't go back to his flat. She was in public places. HE tried to follow her home and HE was in the wrong. SHE met him in a public place to get to know him. I don't see why you are having a problem with the facts.
The first occasion I met a ‘Dom’, wanting that experience, I didn’t do what you described and I left the flat bleeding and bruised and I said never ever again, without discussion as you said.
thats what it says
I was referring to the OP thats weird stalker behaviour not sex dom sub stuff aint bugger all to do with a loony"
Potentially leading to loony behaviour which is alarming. They all start somewhere. |
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By *imiUKMan
over a year ago
Hereford |
Most guys that describe themselves as "doms" have something of a chip on their shoulder because life has been unkind to them in one way or another.
They develop a mysogyny which they are convinced makes them a real "dominant" man and they get their kicks by assaulting women, because they are convinced it's what they deserve.
|
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
Maybe you should read better. This happened in public. or read any of it thats just a dickhead
You're not helping. At all. why cos you say so not one has anyone asked for help just stated the obvious is all she did nothing wrong with that
My dear LOO - I think the problem is to an extent it appears you're victim blaming with some of your comments and that's how it's not helping.
Acknowledge that you've said the guy was a dickhead, and that is undeniable - and it's true *some* submissives don't help themselves because they don't truly understand the situation and BDSM and believe that their place is to do as they're told and they don't put their safety first through lack of knowledge - but the abuse is on the part of the abuser not the abused always.
im not blaming her at all im just saying theres 2 sides"
Thing is though some of the things you have said suggest you are blaming which is what others and myself have picked up on
And yes there are two sides, but the scenarios the OP describes I'm not sure there can be another version that doesn't still draw the same conclusions - no matter what point the OP said no the guy overstepped a mark. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I appreciate that some people have certain sexual wants, but if I see them proclaimed, it is more often than not a put off for me
I like to take the lead in the bedroom, I like to be the one 'in control', but I wouldn't regard myself as 'dominant'
So, if someone declares the desire for a dominant, I think that's not me
I dare say though that some guys think 'I can do that' and put themselves forward like an overexcited pup
Others will do it cos they think it'll get their leg over
Others do it because they believe they are dominant, when in reality they are just a controlling bastard and that control extends to the bedroom |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
Maybe you should read better. This happened in public. or read any of it thats just a dickhead
You're not helping. At all. why cos you say so not one has anyone asked for help just stated the obvious is all she did nothing wrong with that
My dear LOO - I think the problem is to an extent it appears you're victim blaming with some of your comments and that's how it's not helping.
Acknowledge that you've said the guy was a dickhead, and that is undeniable - and it's true *some* submissives don't help themselves because they don't truly understand the situation and BDSM and believe that their place is to do as they're told and they don't put their safety first through lack of knowledge - but the abuse is on the part of the abuser not the abused always.
im not blaming her at all im just saying theres 2 sides
Thing is though some of the things you have said suggest you are blaming which is what others and myself have picked up on
And yes there are two sides, but the scenarios the OP describes I'm not sure there can be another version that doesn't still draw the same conclusions - no matter what point the OP said no the guy overstepped a mark."
hes a dickhead  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I think the fact he used the word dom/ dominant has clouded the issue.
He stalked you and had the potential to commit a serious sexual offence. If it was me I'd report the incident to the police. |
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By *sGivesWoodWoman
over a year ago
ST. AUSTELL, CORNWALL |
"I think the fact he used the word dom/ dominant has clouded the issue.
He stalked you and had the potential to commit a serious sexual offence. If it was me I'd report the incident to the police. "
Totally agree. And the fact that he was putting his hand up the OP's skirt without consent does mean he's a real danger to women. |
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"Yeah they are usually idiots. But hey, a lot of the women out there think being "submissive" means letting a stranger beat them till they bruise the first time they have sex.
People are just nuts really."
Lifetime of conditioning mate. Takes a lot of work to counteract that. |
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"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
I was on a date, in public, with a guy I’d been chatting to for a while? I wasn’t going looking for sex. Not sure how much wiser I could’ve been tbh.
Thanks for your input though "
None of your choices were at fault. Don't ever go down that path if you can. You were very sensible and took all the precautions you could have, some men seem totally normal til they let their creepy abusive cunt side out.
I'm just so glad he slipped his guard enough for you to see the red flags in time. |
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"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? "
Don't think that's ever going to happen |
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"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping "
Oh ffs, victim blaming too? Go on tell me men are just helpless in the overwhelming grip of testosterone and need some release.
I'll shout BINGO and add to my notes.
|
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"This is not as uncommon as some may think.
Male privilege and entitlment with the new wave of abusive porn instills habits which seem to becoming socially acceptable!!
95% of porn is made for the Male market and the trend currently is a what they perceive is a "dom" Choking a woman, forcing her to take a cock in all holes roughly.
In essence phyiscal abuse of a woman or R. A. P. E.
Come to the real world and a wanna be supposed "Dom" does not even consider..CONSENT..
Without it you are breaking the law...
I would be informing the police of this incident before another victim is taken...
Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.
Porn as nothing to do with the situation. The simple fact is he was feeling entitled. Being a dom actually means putting the lady satisfaction first.
Porn sadly has a lot to do with the situation - the fact that BDSM porn is so readily available and is usually the whips and chains abusive variety is what leads many to misunderstand what dominance and indeed submission mean.
Most BDSM related porn depicts a dominant taking complete control and doing what they want, and the submissive appearing to blindly accept it from the outset - it doesn't ever depict the negotiation and setting of boundaries and safe words and various other necessary factors beforehand - and that in itself leads a novice dominant or submissive to believe that is the way it should be and act in the way that this guy, and sadly many others, do and did.
So porn and those books have a heck of a lot to do with it.
My advice to *anyone* dominant or submissive with an interest in getting involved is to forget BDSM porn and those books and read as much as they can and become as informed about their own position as they can before even consider stepping into the world and meeting people.
The situation the OP found herself in was unavoidable by the sounds of things and beyond leaving at the first sign of him not being right, there's not a great deal more she could have done - and even then it sounds like he wasn't to be deterred by a simple "no" which is abhorrent in itself."
100% agree, I gave up porn last year and it's improved my sexual experience hugely. |
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"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
I was in Birmingham city centre, I never removed a single item of clothing, I was never going to. I was in a restaurant and a couple of bars. Please read what I’ve written again xi have and the kid one is a fucktard the first is partly on you tho going back to his flat without knowing the kind of guy he is abuse aint sex "
Omg are you d*unk? You're apparently conflating two different women's experiences here.
OP was in public whole time. Do us a favour and dip out of this thread you're damaging my calm. |
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By *sGivesWoodWoman
over a year ago
ST. AUSTELL, CORNWALL |
"This is not as uncommon as some may think.
Male privilege and entitlment with the new wave of abusive porn instills habits which seem to becoming socially acceptable!!
95% of porn is made for the Male market and the trend currently is a what they perceive is a "dom" Choking a woman, forcing her to take a cock in all holes roughly.
In essence phyiscal abuse of a woman or R. A. P. E.
Come to the real world and a wanna be supposed "Dom" does not even consider..CONSENT..
Without it you are breaking the law...
I would be informing the police of this incident before another victim is taken...
Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.
Porn as nothing to do with the situation. The simple fact is he was feeling entitled. Being a dom actually means putting the lady satisfaction first.
Porn sadly has a lot to do with the situation - the fact that BDSM porn is so readily available and is usually the whips and chains abusive variety is what leads many to misunderstand what dominance and indeed submission mean.
Most BDSM related porn depicts a dominant taking complete control and doing what they want, and the submissive appearing to blindly accept it from the outset - it doesn't ever depict the negotiation and setting of boundaries and safe words and various other necessary factors beforehand - and that in itself leads a novice dominant or submissive to believe that is the way it should be and act in the way that this guy, and sadly many others, do and did.
So porn and those books have a heck of a lot to do with it.
My advice to *anyone* dominant or submissive with an interest in getting involved is to forget BDSM porn and those books and read as much as they can and become as informed about their own position as they can before even consider stepping into the world and meeting people.
The situation the OP found herself in was unavoidable by the sounds of things and beyond leaving at the first sign of him not being right, there's not a great deal more she could have done - and even then it sounds like he wasn't to be deterred by a simple "no" which is abhorrent in itself.
100% agree, I gave up porn last year and it's improved my sexual experience hugely. "
It has a hell of a lot to answer for with the behaviour of some. |
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"I'm sorry you experienced that.
I would have thought getting to know someone well and building trust would be essential for a dom/sub relationship. I can't see how it would really work as a one-off, without some element of danger and misunderstanding of what is and isn't acceptable.
My very first thoughts.
As with any kink or interest, ones focus can cause many to overlook or ignore some very basic preparations in that quest, even moreso considering the subject. This can easily lead to blaming others too.
I do agree with some of the sentiments that the OP expresses and sorry this has happened to her. I have founf 50 shades of shit has as much to do with it as do the women who read it thinking this is great and made it such a big seller. I'd say this is what fuelled many controlling characters to use it as a ruse to feed their fantasies too. Bit of a chicken and egg and neither can blame the other for the problem.
As with most successful meets, good preparation is needed on both sides.
NB a proper Dom/Somme will not come across strong or aggressive even in language. Unlike many, they don't need to. They've nothing to prove to others or themselves.
As someone who has been called an Alpha and have D/s experience, I would call myself an Omega rather than Alpha. There's a significant difference too."
One playmate had issues believing I was dominant because in social meets I'm funny, easygoing, garrulous and more like a marshmallow centre than a steel core.
I'd never play without proper negotiation and never push, I don't need to. I only get turned on by happily consenting partners. |
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"This is not as uncommon as some may think.
Male privilege and entitlment with the new wave of abusive porn instills habits which seem to becoming socially acceptable!!
95% of porn is made for the Male market and the trend currently is a what they perceive is a "dom" Choking a woman, forcing her to take a cock in all holes roughly.
In essence phyiscal abuse of a woman or R. A. P. E.
Come to the real world and a wanna be supposed "Dom" does not even consider..CONSENT..
Without it you are breaking the law...
I would be informing the police of this incident before another victim is taken...
Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.
Porn as nothing to do with the situation. The simple fact is he was feeling entitled. Being a dom actually means putting the lady satisfaction first.
Porn sadly has a lot to do with the situation - the fact that BDSM porn is so readily available and is usually the whips and chains abusive variety is what leads many to misunderstand what dominance and indeed submission mean.
Most BDSM related porn depicts a dominant taking complete control and doing what they want, and the submissive appearing to blindly accept it from the outset - it doesn't ever depict the negotiation and setting of boundaries and safe words and various other necessary factors beforehand - and that in itself leads a novice dominant or submissive to believe that is the way it should be and act in the way that this guy, and sadly many others, do and did.
So porn and those books have a heck of a lot to do with it.
My advice to *anyone* dominant or submissive with an interest in getting involved is to forget BDSM porn and those books and read as much as they can and become as informed about their own position as they can before even consider stepping into the world and meeting people.
The situation the OP found herself in was unavoidable by the sounds of things and beyond leaving at the first sign of him not being right, there's not a great deal more she could have done - and even then it sounds like he wasn't to be deterred by a simple "no" which is abhorrent in itself.
100% agree, I gave up porn last year and it's improved my sexual experience hugely.
It has a hell of a lot to answer for with the behaviour of some. "
How about exposing him and we’ll sort him out,
He was an amateur and an asshole ..sorry you had to see and feel that kind of behaviour |
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"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
Maybe you should read better. This happened in public. or read any of it thats just a dickhead
You're not helping. At all. why cos you say so not one has anyone asked for help just stated the obvious is all she did nothing wrong with that
My dear LOO - I think the problem is to an extent it appears you're victim blaming with some of your comments and that's how it's not helping.
Acknowledge that you've said the guy was a dickhead, and that is undeniable - and it's true *some* submissives don't help themselves because they don't truly understand the situation and BDSM and believe that their place is to do as they're told and they don't put their safety first through lack of knowledge - but the abuse is on the part of the abuser not the abused always. im not blaming her at all im just saying theres 2 sides"
There's only one side to stalky abusive cunts mate. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
I was on a date, in public, with a guy I’d been chatting to for a while? I wasn’t going looking for sex. Not sure how much wiser I could’ve been tbh.
Thanks for your input though
None of your choices were at fault. Don't ever go down that path if you can. You were very sensible and took all the precautions you could have, some men seem totally normal til they let their creepy abusive cunt side out.
I'm just so glad he slipped his guard enough for you to see the red flags in time."
And if he was like that in public, just imagine an in private scenario.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Why the need to label shit
Intimidation and abuse! Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.choose wiser
Learn not to be bullies!women can also be bullies
For once can we have a thread about a specific instance where a man hurt a woman, in patterns of behaviour where it's usually men hurting women, without whining #notallmen? not whining i dont care all that much it dont affect me all just feels a bit like folk should learn how to talk better before stripping
I was in Birmingham city centre, I never removed a single item of clothing, I was never going to. I was in a restaurant and a couple of bars. Please read what I’ve written again xi have and the kid one is a fucktard the first is partly on you tho going back to his flat without knowing the kind of guy he is abuse aint sex
Omg are you d*unk? You're apparently conflating two different women's experiences here.
OP was in public whole time. Do us a favour and dip out of this thread you're damaging my calm."
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I think the fact he used the word dom/ dominant has clouded the issue.
He stalked you and had the potential to commit a serious sexual offence. If it was me I'd report the incident to the police.
Totally agree. And the fact that he was putting his hand up the OP's skirt without consent does mean he's a real danger to women. "
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"This is not as uncommon as some may think.
Male privilege and entitlment with the new wave of abusive porn instills habits which seem to becoming socially acceptable!!
95% of porn is made for the Male market and the trend currently is a what they perceive is a "dom" Choking a woman, forcing her to take a cock in all holes roughly.
In essence phyiscal abuse of a woman or R. A. P. E.
Come to the real world and a wanna be supposed "Dom" does not even consider..CONSENT..
Without it you are breaking the law...
I would be informing the police of this incident before another victim is taken...
Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.
"
"This is not as uncommon as some may think.
Male privilege and entitlment with the new wave of abusive porn instills habits which seem to becoming socially acceptable!!
95% of porn is made for the Male market and the trend currently is a what they perceive is a "dom" Choking a woman, forcing her to take a cock in all holes roughly.
In essence phyiscal abuse of a woman or R. A. P. E.
Come to the real world and a wanna be supposed "Dom" does not even consider..CONSENT..
Without it you are breaking the law...
I would be informing the police of this incident before another victim is taken...
Every woman is entitled to feel save in there surroundings.
"
MrD
Sorry but I feel almost offended by your comments.
I wholeheartedly agree it is a case of entitlement and women should feel safe.
However, this and your other comments come across very sexist.
Its not "male entitlement" at all, both men and women can have a deluded case of "entitlement". She could have been on a date with another woman when this happened and it a would still have been just as dangerous.
Then there is the fact that there are in fact a lot of male Subs, just look on Fab for instance, and they are at just as much risk of abuse from woman as woman are from men.
Yes there is the physical element, that in general a man is stronger and can overpower a woman more easily. However, this is not always the case and there are many cases of physical abuse to men by women, whether domestic or otherwise. As soon as you start thinking about physically overpowering someone unconsentually thats not anything to do with Sub/Dom at all.
I was once with a woman who was physical with me (and there was no bdsm kink etc). I had to ask my friend to go with me to break up with her and he thought I was crazy because he knew her for years as a friend but she hid it well. We met her in the middle of the town center sat on the benches, I figured a busy town with people walking past was the best idea for not making a scene etc. When I broke up with her she jumped up, turned around and punched me in the face like a guy 4/5 times before my friend realised what was going on and grabbed her physically dragging her off me.
So I am sorry but I personally take exception to the way you have worded your comments. They almost sound angry at men!?
It's not "male privilege and entitlement" it's just plain "privilege and entitlement" and everyone needs to protect themselves from it, male or female, by both males and females.
There is no room in bdsm for anger. You should never engage in any kind of play if you have anger, especially if it involves retraining and whipping. Personally and please don't take offense, but I would be concerned about male subs you play with given your tone and anger towards men. I say this because you call yourself a mistress, the female form of Dom. |
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