FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Honesty on meets
Honesty on meets
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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I've been thinking about honesty this weekend (not overthinking, honestly!) in regards to fab.
How honest are you when it comes to those on fab? Do you tell the person when it's been a disappointing meet? Are you one for sharing your honest views on
a person with them or do you tell others how you really view them? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’ve never been dishonest with anyone I have met on Fab. However if I did have to give feedback that wasn’t simply positive I would do it constructively. |
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It’s easier to be honest through a text or a pm but in my experience, one lady I met off a dating site and said at the end of the meet that I couldn’t see anything developing. She replied, that’s a shame but it’s fine can we just fuck instead??
I was like wtf?? That’s the best let down gently response ever  |
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"I’ve never been dishonest with anyone I have met on Fab. However if I did have to give feedback that wasn’t simply positive I would do it constructively."
ie A total wanker = He gives a half decent hand job |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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"Easier to be honest via pm imo.
You don't want to really hurt a guys feelings too much as it can have a lasting effect."
Yes, I understand that. I think that words can really impact someone. |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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"I’ve never been dishonest with anyone I have met on Fab. However if I did have to give feedback that wasn’t simply positive I would do it constructively."
So you've never said (and this is completely hypothetical as I'm clearly not the latter) "Oh Meli you're great" and then to another "Meli's a complete twat actually"? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I've been thinking about honesty this weekend (not overthinking, honestly!) in regards to fab.
How honest are you when it comes to those on fab? Do you tell the person when it's been a disappointing meet? Are you one for sharing your honest views on
a person with them or do you tell others how you really view them? "
Totally honest.. I would rather be clear where we both stand, positive or negative. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I’ve never been dishonest with anyone I have met on Fab. However if I did have to give feedback that wasn’t simply positive I would do it constructively.
So you've never said (and this is completely hypothetical as I'm clearly not the latter) "Oh Meli you're great" and then to another "Meli's a complete twat actually"? "
Never. I’ve met very few people. I never talk about who I meet with others. However I’ve also been fortunate enough only to have met people I really liked. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There is no need to say somethings.
Saying things that don't need saying is being TACTLESS not honest.
I'd rather say i'm not dishonest with meets. "
Is saying that you didn't fully enjoy a meet being tactless?
Tea |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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"It’s easier to be honest through a text or a pm but in my experience, one lady I met off a dating site and said at the end of the meet that I couldn’t see anything developing. She replied, that’s a shame but it’s fine can we just fuck instead??
I was like wtf?? That’s the best let down gently response ever "
Did you? That's what I want to know now.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it would depend on the reasons for my disappointment.
If it was personality related ie they were too pushy or something then I'd say. If it was performance related then probably not, I'd put it down to being incompatable and leave it as that.
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"There is no need to say somethings.
Saying things that don't need saying is being TACTLESS not honest.
I'd rather say i'm not dishonest with meets.
Is saying that you didn't fully enjoy a meet being tactless?
Tea"
Not to my way of thinking Tea. If asked i'd have to be tactfully honest - if not asked I wouldn't mention it. |
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I'm not dishonest, but I'm selective in what I say in terms of verifications. If I've had an amazing meet I'll be very descriptive in terms of adjectives (not the act, just the way I describe it), and if I haven't I'll leave polite comments about things I did find to be positive about - they smelled nice or were smartly dressed or were very attentive. And they won't get an invite back. |
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"I’ve never been dishonest with anyone I have met on Fab. However if I did have to give feedback that wasn’t simply positive I would do it constructively.
So you've never said (and this is completely hypothetical as I'm clearly not the latter) "Oh Meli you're great" and then to another "Meli's a complete twat actually"? "
That’s indiscretion rather than dishonesty.
My day to day relationship is dishonest, I come here to be honest with people but being indiscreet just lacks class |
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"It’s easier to be honest through a text or a pm but in my experience, one lady I met off a dating site and said at the end of the meet that I couldn’t see anything developing. She replied, that’s a shame but it’s fine can we just fuck instead??
I was like wtf?? That’s the best let down gently response ever
Did you? That's what I want to know now. "
Yes, it was my duty to make sure I practised carnal techniques in my aim to always get better at understanding the female bodily responses to the touch.
I didn’t show her my battenberg and Victoria sponge stash though |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s like people who take pride saying it is like it is, that’s not something to be proud of, it just makes you a tactless cunt. Somethings cut deep and still hurt years later. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If on a meet things weren't working too well but I thought it was something that could be changed then I would say something as we're both there for a pleasurable experience not just one or the other. If it's something that can't be altered or fixed then I wouldn't just soldier on, I'd definitely say something tactfully and bring an end to the meet.
As for Veri's, as mentioned above, I wouldn't leave a bad one but instead mention the things I liked about the other person. |
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I consider myself a very honest person as a rule however i also factor in people's feelings and confidence so if a meet hasn't gone so great i wouldn't tell the other person unless there was good reason and i could do so without hurting their feelings.
We are all here for fun and a confidence boost is far better than a kick in the balls.
On the flip side however if there was something about myself that could be improved I'd certainly welcome the feedback even if it hurt, the best part about meeting is ensuring the other person walks away happy and glowing. |
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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago
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Hello SmellMell
If it was a social and it didn’t go as expected or hoped then I would be honest but sensitive to the other persons feelings in how I expressed it.
If it was a ‘meet’ then no, I think I would merely say that we weren’t compatible if they did want to meet again.
I wouldn’t get to the point of sex unless I liked them so there are always positive things to be said |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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"Disappointing in what way? The sex?
If I get as far as getting naked, I'm unlikely to tell someone they were disappointing. That's quite cruel "
Not just the sex. Meeting them. The way they are. It's idle musings on a Sunday afternoon that became a stream of consciousness.
It is cruel yes. |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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"I'm only honest if it's something positive. The rest of the time not honest. "
Yes, I think that some people are like that. I guess I try to be as open and honest with people. Some times I do a 180 on a person and can feel bad if I've referred to them in a not always positive way. |
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By *VineMan
over a year ago
The right place |
I’ve only had one meeting I didn’t really enjoy. Others have all been on a spectrum of enjoyable to amazing.
Sex isn’t a one person activity, what makes one meeting better than another, for me, is more to do with the mental connection than any techniques. And some people just are better suited in terms of personality. |
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Tend to just say thanks for meeting us, had a nice night but don't want to take it any further.
We don't try to break down the meet as sometimes it's nothing specific, just doesn't happen.
We always meet for a no pressure drink and chat at first with no pressure to take it any further.
To be honest, holidays, parties and clubs cut out a lot of messing about.
On the whole, we have had loads of fun.
Xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think there's a world of difference between being tactful and being dishonest/lying to people, which seems to populated with grey areas.
I can't say that I've always been directly and bluntly honest with people after a sexual meet, sometimes the chemistry isn't always there as you'd hoped and that's neither person's fault. Would I specifically say that? No, that's tactless and unnecessary.
However to directly mislead someone about your intent/intentions, attraction or pleasure is very very different. There are people who barefaced lie about their interest and actions with others. In that there are no grey areas. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm not dishonest, but I'm selective in what I say in terms of verifications. If I've had an amazing meet I'll be very descriptive in terms of adjectives (not the act, just the way I describe it), and if I haven't I'll leave polite comments about things I did find to be positive about - they smelled nice or were smartly dressed or were very attentive. And they won't get an invite back."
Personally I'd rather hear the whole truth, warts and all, it's how I learn and grow, although I'm aware it's not for everyone and can be uncomfortable for the person giving it.
I like to hear the good and the bad stuff after, if someone was complimenting my shoes then I'd already know that it had gone pretty badly!
Tea |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
. |
"I try to be honest with those I meet or talk to.
Any negative feedback needs to be managed carefully as I’m not here to hurt anyone, my preference being face to face"
Yes. I can't always get a clear reading from tone (ascribing my own etc) so I ask questions to garner clarity a lot. I prefer talking where I can hear their voice or read their facial expressions. |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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"Communication is key.
How are you meant to have some mind blowing experiences, if you can't be honest with each other."
Communication is difficult at times though isn't it? People communicate in different styles and that's not always matched. But yes, I do think the best sex requires a level of honesty. |
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"I'm not dishonest, but I'm selective in what I say in terms of verifications. If I've had an amazing meet I'll be very descriptive in terms of adjectives (not the act, just the way I describe it), and if I haven't I'll leave polite comments about things I did find to be positive about - they smelled nice or were smartly dressed or were very attentive. And they won't get an invite back.
Personally I'd rather hear the whole truth, warts and all, it's how I learn and grow, although I'm aware it's not for everyone and can be uncomfortable for the person giving it.
I like to hear the good and the bad stuff after, if someone was complimenting my shoes then I'd already know that it had gone pretty badly!
Tea"
Tea. Someone else's truth is not YOUR truth and is not an absolute truth. It doesn't tell you anything about you but it does give you insights into them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I've been thinking about honesty this weekend (not overthinking, honestly!) in regards to fab.
How honest are you when it comes to those on fab? Do you tell the person when it's been a disappointing meet? Are you one for sharing your honest views on
a person with them or do you tell others how you really view them? "
There is good and bad in everyone op, we are not all suited for each other. I am direct on here and in life too, no false pretences with me. Easy to lie over the net. Not so easy in real life. You can't give negative feedback after a meet. I've met some people from fab over the years who are not for me and told them. It happens. Honesty here though does not go down well. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I dont think I would be honest unless it really bothered me, especially on a first meet. It takes time to learn about eachother. However if they were really full on or pushy then yes I would say. |
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When it’s guys we meet I’m usually very honest within the first 20 mins, when I say honest I mean ‘you are not for us’ (me) or ‘we (I) like you and wouldn’t mind taking it further’. When it’s couples it’s more difficult so we usually talk about it on the way home then message our thoughts with the same comments as we do with a single guy. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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No ones ever really asked me what I thought of them afterwards ....
I text after saying I’ve had a good time if I have and I won’t if I haven’t
If they asked I’d be diplomatic but not cruel
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
. |
"I think it would depend on the reasons for my disappointment.
If it was personality related ie they were too pushy or something then I'd say. If it was performance related then probably not, I'd put it down to being incompatable and leave it as that.
"
Would you tell others about it? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think both people usually know if it's not been the best meet . However, I have met people and thought it wasn't great and then just wouldn't meet them again rather than risk hurting their feelings. Equally I'm sure some have met me over the years and felt the same |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm not dishonest, but I'm selective in what I say in terms of verifications. If I've had an amazing meet I'll be very descriptive in terms of adjectives (not the act, just the way I describe it), and if I haven't I'll leave polite comments about things I did find to be positive about - they smelled nice or were smartly dressed or were very attentive. And they won't get an invite back.
Personally I'd rather hear the whole truth, warts and all, it's how I learn and grow, although I'm aware it's not for everyone and can be uncomfortable for the person giving it.
I like to hear the good and the bad stuff after, if someone was complimenting my shoes then I'd already know that it had gone pretty badly!
Tea
Tea. Someone else's truth is not YOUR truth and is not an absolute truth. It doesn't tell you anything about you but it does give you insights into them. "
Oh I know!
Without getting into a discussion about the nature of truth and perception, I'm aware that their truth doesn't change mine but in this type of situation, their feelings do matter to me.
I'd much rather hear their honest opinion than something intended to save my feelings, which in its own way is patronising.
Tea |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
. |
"It’s like people who take pride saying it is like it is, that’s not something to be proud of, it just makes you a tactless cunt. Somethings cut deep and still hurt years later."
Do you think you're careful to not be too blunt then James? Words can really hurt and people probably don't realise the impact they can have at the time. Language is so bloody nuanced, I err towards black and white readings some times. You say you'll do x, x it is. But life and language are complicated. |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
. |
"I consider myself a very honest person as a rule however i also factor in people's feelings and confidence so if a meet hasn't gone so great i wouldn't tell the other person unless there was good reason and i could do so without hurting their feelings.
We are all here for fun and a confidence boost is far better than a kick in the balls.
On the flip side however if there was something about myself that could be improved I'd certainly welcome the feedback even if it hurt, the best part about meeting is ensuring the other person walks away happy and glowing."
Aww I like this a lot! Feedback can be great, can't it? Sometimes being too honest is difficult. You try and weigh up quickly the other person against what you want to say. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There's being honest and then there's being a cunt.
As I posted on a thread the other day about my experience, rather than just say sorry but I don't want to continue, she said something that still hurts now and makes me feel a little insecure at times.
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"I'm not dishonest, but I'm selective in what I say in terms of verifications. If I've had an amazing meet I'll be very descriptive in terms of adjectives (not the act, just the way I describe it), and if I haven't I'll leave polite comments about things I did find to be positive about - they smelled nice or were smartly dressed or were very attentive. And they won't get an invite back.
Personally I'd rather hear the whole truth, warts and all, it's how I learn and grow, although I'm aware it's not for everyone and can be uncomfortable for the person giving it.
I like to hear the good and the bad stuff after, if someone was complimenting my shoes then I'd already know that it had gone pretty badly!
Tea"
I meant in the context of lack of chemistry and that's not something anyone can work on or do anything about. Anyone who's a total bellend I'd have ed out before getting naked with them, so it wouldn't happen. Anyone who I meet for a social will broadly be a likeable person anyway or I wouldn't meet them. If I don't fancy them enough to get naked then yes, I'd give positive comments where I can veri-wise and tell them to their face or by message later that the spark wasn't there.
I've been semi-naked in a hotel room and had a guy go out to his car for something or other and not come back. Did I take it personally, no. Did I want to know why? Not really. His choice - I'm sure he had his reasons, but unless it was happening at every meet or no one I bedded wanted to see me again I'm really not bothered.
Not everyone will like or lust after everyone else and that's cool. |
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"There's being honest and then there's being a cunt.
As I posted on a thread the other day about my experience, rather than just say sorry but I don't want to continue, she said something that still hurts now and makes me feel a little insecure at times.
"
Ooh MrM, you're quite delectable - don't you dare let one individual with one opinion spoil your mojo.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Easier to be honest via pm imo.
You don't want to really hurt a guys feelings too much as it can have a lasting effect.
Yes, I understand that. I think that words can really impact someone."
Mostly because we aren't honest all of the time. Honest doesn't have to be hurtful |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have never felt the need to provide negative feedback. It serves no purpose whatsoever. I just wouldn't say anything and wouldn't meet again. I don't discuss my meets with anyone except hubby and certainly wouldn't be in a gossipy way. |
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"I've been thinking about honesty this weekend (not overthinking, honestly!) in regards to fab.
How honest are you when it comes to those on fab? Do you tell the person when it's been a disappointing meet? Are you one for sharing your honest views on
a person with them or do you tell others how you really view them? "
Negative insinuations across the forum ... maybe .... just saying! |
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"I try to be honest with those I meet or talk to.
Any negative feedback needs to be managed carefully as I’m not here to hurt anyone, my preference being face to face
Yes. I can't always get a clear reading from tone (ascribing my own etc) so I ask questions to garner clarity a lot. I prefer talking where I can hear their voice or read their facial expressions."
Precisely, as we all know text can be often misread.
If questions are asked I will answer, but it’s mostly to reassure the person we are just not a good match rather than anything else. |
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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago
Newcastle upon Tyne |
Social meet first which allows us to assess people and yes we are pretty honest although only once have to say not for us. It is much easier to say no thanks via email.
Rejection is often hard for some to take. We met a lovely couple once for purely a first meet social. At the end of the evening the guy wanted us to go back to their house. We said no as the agreement was social only, at which point he got up and walked off leaving his poor wife sat their red faced and apologizing profusely. Needless to say we blocked them after that which was a shame as we would have met them again for a play meet if that had not happened.
We are careful with our meets so have never had a disappointing play meet. |
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"Disappointing in what way? The sex?
If I get as far as getting naked, I'm unlikely to tell someone they were disappointing. That's quite cruel "
Agreed and just because the earth may not have rocked for me doesn't mean to say the next person will feel like that,it just means we're not compatible. |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
. |
"Hello SmellMell
If it was a social and it didn’t go as expected or hoped then I would be honest but sensitive to the other persons feelings in how I expressed it.
If it was a ‘meet’ then no, I think I would merely say that we weren’t compatible if they did want to meet again.
I wouldn’t get to the point of sex unless I liked them so there are always positive things to be said "
SmellMell! Oh Babs. Two people called me SmellyMeli on different occasions and then sniffed me and said I smelled good and it made me think of you and maybe I should have messaged you this elsewhere.
Have you ever found yourself being nice to someone's face but bitching/talking about them behind their back?
What happens if the sex is really great and the person less so? You could like the sex and the person not quite as much. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm only honest if it's something positive. The rest of the time not honest.
Yes, I think that some people are like that. I guess I try to be as open and honest with people. Some times I do a 180 on a person and can feel bad if I've referred to them in a not always positive way."
I've apologised for being mean about something when it wasn't their fault.
If I had a bad meet I wouldn't tell them. I certainly wouldn't tell anyone else either though. Unless it was something that might affect someone else, like a safety issue.
I did that recently and they didn't care and didn't believe me. Fucked up. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hello SmellMell
If it was a social and it didn’t go as expected or hoped then I would be honest but sensitive to the other persons feelings in how I expressed it.
If it was a ‘meet’ then no, I think I would merely say that we weren’t compatible if they did want to meet again.
I wouldn’t get to the point of sex unless I liked them so there are always positive things to be said
SmellMell! Oh Babs. Two people called me SmellyMeli on different occasions and then sniffed me and said I smelled good and it made me think of you and maybe I should have messaged you this elsewhere.
Have you ever found yourself being nice to someone's face but bitching/talking about them behind their back?
What happens if the sex is really great and the person less so? You could like the sex and the person not quite as much."
I could never find the sex to be great with someone I found less so |
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By *SAchickWoman
over a year ago
Hillside desolate |
"I have never felt the need to provide negative feedback. It serves no purpose whatsoever. I just wouldn't say anything and wouldn't meet again. I don't discuss my meets with anyone except hubby and certainly wouldn't be in a gossipy way. "
Exactly this for me too |
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By *host63Man
over a year ago
Bedfont Feltham |
"I've been thinking about honesty this weekend (not overthinking, honestly!) in regards to fab.
How honest are you when it comes to those on fab? Do you tell the person when it's been a disappointing meet? Are you one for sharing your honest views on
a person with them or do you tell others how you really view them? "
I wouldn't say anything on fab. that's rude and very unfair. n. TBH I get so few positive replies to meeting on fab or just straight out rejections I actually cannot concived of meeting anyone on here at all |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I really appreciate honesty, and will always let people know where they stand with me. However, I draw the line at being cruel. If I meet someone and they aren’t for me, I simply say I didn’t feel a connection and move on, they don’t need to know why. I hope I’d receive the same treatment too . |
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By *a LunaWoman
over a year ago
South Wales |
It depends. I am honest, what you see is what you get personality wise, i’m just shy in person. However, I don’t like deliberately hurting or upsetting someone. This means I can be VERY evasive. Which comes with it’s own set of problems. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've not been disappointed by anyone I've met here
Mind you, my expectations are minimal
If you can hold a conversation over coffee for an hour, you'll do for me  |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
. |
"I’ve only had one meeting I didn’t really enjoy. Others have all been on a spectrum of enjoyable to amazing.
Sex isn’t a one person activity, what makes one meeting better than another, for me, is more to do with the mental connection than any techniques. And some people just are better suited in terms of personality. "
I'd agree with all of the above.
The meeting that you didn't really enjoy? Did you find yourself discussing it in positive terms with her and less so with others? Or did you keep schtum? |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
. |
"I think there's a world of difference between being tactful and being dishonest/lying to people, which seems to populated with grey areas.
I can't say that I've always been directly and bluntly honest with people after a sexual meet, sometimes the chemistry isn't always there as you'd hoped and that's neither person's fault. Would I specifically say that? No, that's tactless and unnecessary.
However to directly mislead someone about your intent/intentions, attraction or pleasure is very very different. There are people who barefaced lie about their interest and actions with others. In that there are no grey areas. "
This is sort of where my thoughts are. The grey areas are fascinating aren't they? I think people decide what they think is best and go with it, understandably to a certain degree. |
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"I think people decide what they think is best and go with it, understandably to a certain degree."
That’s true for almost anything, whether it’s telling a “white lie” or mowing down 10 people with a machete.
Everyone thinks what they’re doing is the sensible way |
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By *eli OP Woman
over a year ago
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"I think people decide what they think is best and go with it, understandably to a certain degree.
That’s true for almost anything, whether it’s telling a “white lie” or mowing down 10 people with a machete.
Everyone thinks what they’re doing is the sensible way"
Haha two extremes there Adam.
I'm not even sure why I posted this thread. I'm not overthinking Jeather (;-)), I'm just sort of stream of consciousness-ing a thread. I guess this weekend I interacted with different people and rethought my opinions on a few. It made me think about how honest people are. Where tact comes in to play. How people describe one person to you but are completely different when talking to them. I find interactions genuinely really interesting and like seeing how people are with others in a myriad of ways. |
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"I consider myself a very honest person as a rule however i also factor in people's feelings and confidence so if a meet hasn't gone so great i wouldn't tell the other person unless there was good reason and i could do so without hurting their feelings.
We are all here for fun and a confidence boost is far better than a kick in the balls.
On the flip side however if there was something about myself that could be improved I'd certainly welcome the feedback even if it hurt, the best part about meeting is ensuring the other person walks away happy and glowing.
Aww I like this a lot! Feedback can be great, can't it? Sometimes being too honest is difficult. You try and weigh up quickly the other person against what you want to say."
I think if you don't have such a bad meet that you never want to see each other again then feedback and discussion can be especially good as a fwb/semi regular situation will only ever improve with being open and honest.
One off meets require a little more tact and diplomacy i reckon when it comes to criticism ( that's not to say fwb should be frank or brutal).
Ultimately chemistry is going to decide things, the sparks can fly and you get in to the bedroom but things just don't go as smoothly as you expect but it's worth trying to work out why and meet again better informed. Personally i always find the best meets are the ones with someone who can laugh at themselves and at me, when it goes a little wrong and you look at each other before bursting out laughing, lay there nattering before getting back to it that is a potentially negative situation flipped on it's head and turned in to a fun meet. |
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By *VineMan
over a year ago
The right place |
"I’ve only had one meeting I didn’t really enjoy. Others have all been on a spectrum of enjoyable to amazing.
Sex isn’t a one person activity, what makes one meeting better than another, for me, is more to do with the mental connection than any techniques. And some people just are better suited in terms of personality.
I'd agree with all of the above.
The meeting that you didn't really enjoy? Did you find yourself discussing it in positive terms with her and less so with others? Or did you keep schtum?"
The meet that didn’t go well was over four years ago and it was fairly clear that it didn’t work for either of us. We didn’t discuss it. We just didn’t see each other again. |
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