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Relationships and monogamy
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I was in relationships pretty much solidly from university until my 40s. For over 15 years, I was married. In each relationship, the sexual desire disappeared after a while. In the one relationship where it didn't, she went off the idea - we started very adventurous and ended up very vanilla very occasionally. In that relationship, my partner found fault in pretty much everything I did - not sex, just domestically. I'd try and do them better, but it was never enough. I talked too much, she said. She never stopped. I realised she just wanted someone to nod and agree with her. We loved each other. We still do. However, when the sex went, I wondered what the point of the exercise was.
The question I've asked myself at this stage of my life is why I persisted with the idea that I needed to be in a couple. I like my own company. If I've got a book or some music, I'm not lonely. Then there's the Internet - not just sex sites like Fab, I love finding out new things and can disappear down rabbit holes of research for hours. I have my own place, my car, a reasonable disposable income and lots going on in my life. I think I feel most comfortable being single.
So why did I keep trying? There's this idea that people need to be paired off. My parents' marriage was a mess. Was I subconsciously trying to right their wrongs and failing? I'd love to hear anyone else's thoughts and experiences. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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An interesting thread OP, there's quite a lot in there though!
The question of societal influence regarding expectations of coupling up and remaining married. The need and necessity of sex and disparity of sex drives. How a person who is independent and self sustaining functions and fits into society...
I'm curious if there was a specific question that you're asking?
Tea |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've been very happily single for 26 years and never had a bad relationship before that but in my experience a really high percentage people (singles) I have ever met prefer being in a relationship ... and most singletons are that because they have been hurt and will not be again! Those I actually find the least attractive group of people tbh.
I have also had the pleasure, through the sailing community of meeting many very happily single people but somehow they seemed quite a selfish bunch. Maybe because their lives really were doing exactly what they wanted ALL of the time. |
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Not really, Tea. Just thinking aloud in a somewhat woolly manner. I wondered if my experience might set something off. It seems to me that all the options are fraught. Single, in a couple, in an open relationship. How you find yourself in bad situations that can be hard to get out of. There are no right answers are there? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Not really, Tea. Just thinking aloud in a somewhat woolly manner. I wondered if my experience might set something off. It seems to me that all the options are fraught. Single, in a couple, in an open relationship. How you find yourself in bad situations that can be hard to get out of. There are no right answers are there?"
No, there aren't. All you can do is what seems right with the information available at the time, hindsight vision is always 20:20.
I'm the veteran of a failed marriage and some tough lessons personally, from my point of view, all I try to do now is look to what makes me happy (and those I care about), that's about as close as you can get to 'right'.
Tea |
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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
I was in relationships pretty much solidly from university until my 40s. For over 15 years, I was married. In each relationship, the sexual desire disappeared after a while. In the one relationship where it didn't, she went off the idea - we started very adventurous and ended up very vanilla very occasionally. In that relationship, my partner found fault in pretty much everything I did - not sex, just domestically. I'd try and do them better, but it was never enough. I talked too much, she said. She never stopped. I realised she just wanted someone to nod and agree with her. We loved each other. We still do. However, when the sex went, I wondered what the point of the exercise was.
The question I've asked myself at this stage of my life is why I persisted with the idea that I needed to be in a couple. I like my own company. If I've got a book or some music, I'm not lonely. Then there's the Internet - not just sex sites like Fab, I love finding out new things and can disappear down rabbit holes of research for hours. I have my own place, my car, a reasonable disposable income and lots going on in my life. I think I feel most comfortable being single.
So why did I keep trying? There's this idea that people need to be paired off. My parents' marriage was a mess. Was I subconsciously trying to right their wrongs and failing? I'd love to hear anyone else's thoughts and experiences. [
I'm single and have been for quite a few years now. I've never been married but had a few long term relationships. The last one wasn't good and after we split I had no confidence. I dated a few guys after but found I was dating guys that were similiar in attitude to my ex. Who lowered my confidence more so I decided to take a break and found my confidence again and realised I actually enjoy being single. Yes my family ask will I ever get married but I really doubt I will at this stage. I don't live in the past it is what it is but I'm happy now and I love being able to do what I want when I want without any hassle. Its why I'm on here I guess.  |
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By *pider-WomanWoman
over a year ago
Exeter, Bristol, Plymouth, Truro |
Once you get into the swing of being single it can be great. No one to answer to, no one to keep happy, do what you want when you want its bliss.
Once your social circle except that actually you are ok with it then life gets a whole lot better. After awhile you stop looking for the one.
I know so many people who are married and not really happy. People who have lost their soul. People who stay because they feel that they should etc the list is endless.
It's best to be with no one than anyone....
Happy days OP embrace it. Dont look back full steam ahead. |
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"Not really, Tea. Just thinking aloud in a somewhat woolly manner. I wondered if my experience might set something off. It seems to me that all the options are fraught. Single, in a couple, in an open relationship. How you find yourself in bad situations that can be hard to get out of. There are no right answers are there?"
No, there aren't - every type of situation/relationship can be bad if it is not right for you.
I still desire a full-on, passionate, committed, permanent and mutally supportive relationship of honesty and trust, that I still feel would be by far the best thing for me. |
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OP, your description of your marriage sounds very much like mine. My wife didn't want a husband, she wanted a punch bag.
I (Luke) had enough and ended the marriage at the beginning of this year. I had always thought that if I hadn't got married I would just be a bachelor and shag around since I worked out how to find women who were attracted to me.
What happened was that I found my soulmate. Neither of us looked for that. We just kind of bumped into each other. I never thought I could be this happy with anybody other than myself. |
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By *pider-WomanWoman
over a year ago
Exeter, Bristol, Plymouth, Truro |
"Once you get into the swing of being single it can be great. No one to answer to, no one to keep happy, do what you want when you want its bliss.
Once your social circle except that actually you are ok with it then life gets a whole lot better. After awhile you stop looking for the one.
I know so many people who are married and not really happy. People who have lost their soul. People who stay because they feel that they should etc the list is endless.
It's best to be with no one than anyone....
Happy days OP embrace it. Dont look back full steam ahead."
I found when all the un-answered questions didnt matter anymore you set yourself free.
You cant change history and you'll drive yourself nuts looking for the answers which will never be answered |
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"What happened was that I found my soulmate. Neither of us looked for that. We just kind of bumped into each other. I never thought I could be this happy with anybody other than myself."
The one who picked the faults felt like a soulmate. We did so much together. Then the bickering started. |
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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago
Northampton Somewhere |
I do think that you've tried hard in relationships because of how your parents were.
I'm the same but in how I raise my children.
Some women do go off sex when they've been with someone long term. You fall into the mates zone I think. You either learn to live with it or move on depending on circumstances. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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IMHO, relationship difficulties are generally more to do with psychological issues of the individuals involved than any intrinsic flaw in the type of relationship. |
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"What happened was that I found my soulmate. Neither of us looked for that. We just kind of bumped into each other. I never thought I could be this happy with anybody other than myself.
The one who picked the faults felt like a soulmate. We did so much together. Then the bickering started."
It's certainly a risk and we're aware things can go wrong in any relationship. We just know we'd rather take the risk and have it go wrong than not take the risk and forever wonder if the one was right there waiting.
We have both matured and learned. Our communication is good. We're hopeful we can make it work but we don't take that for granted. |
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I think a lot of people think being in a relationship is the only way. I've got three single friends and people are always matchmaking for them.
Personally I prefer being in a relationship but I'm lucky in that over the last 38 or so years we've built up a very good partnership. I do believe no relationship is better than a bad one and I don't think I would intentionally look for another long term one |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was perfectly happy single for 4 years before I met my fella. I didn't want a relationship.
Now, I can't imagine being without him. Being in love is the best feeling ever and I definitely want to keep him!
The single life suited me fine til I realised what I could have...I also know I wouldn't have this with anyone else though. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There is no 'right' answer to any of this - and you have raised quite a few issues in your post OP. The only answer is what feels right for you, bearing in mind that very little in life is perfect. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was in a relationship 2001-2013 and 7 was ok till things happened in the relationship (health issues, death in the family) and things changed and sadly for us it changed the dynamics,
in 2009 we decided on a fully open relationship and that worked but not fully, something was missing
2013 i was ill and he just didn't seem bothered (transpired he didn't know how to handle it) i walked away in the July 2013.
i don't regret the past and i don't regret walking away, but i regret losing 60k as i only got 23k back after he died suddenly in 2017.
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I know how you feel OP. I came out of a seven year relationship last year that really mangled me emotionally, conversely the sex was really good (which kept things going long after they should really have ended!) but there were too many other things in the way of us being happy.
Now I'm really not sure if I'll ever go back to long-term monogamy. At the same time because of my work and where I live I don't get to meet manybother singles, especially of the opposite sex. Online dating is a chore and I'm having limited success with Fabnalso in terms of meeting any potential playmates. So right now I have nobody for booty calls and only really my platonic friends to call on for company. So when I do feel lonely I feel very lonely indeed. But most of the time I know I am probably better off single. Just wish it was easier to strike a balance. And of course expressing that you feel lonely or horny just put people off it seems. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm at the point now where I doubt I'll have a 'proper'long term relationship and all the things that usually entails.
I'm okay with that, but I like the idea of serial monogamy.
Something exclusive with someone else, but only for as long as it doesn't feel like the relationship requires a lot of effort from either involved in it.
That's my long winded way of saying I really only want the good bits |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Oddly, you can be more lonely in a relationship than when you are single. That was my experience in my marriage. At least less people stay in unhappy relationships than used to happen.
You have to be happy with your own company, if you aren’t, a partner won’t improve that in my opinion. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Oddly, you can be more lonely in a relationship than when you are single. That was my experience in my marriage. At least less people stay in unhappy relationships than used to happen.
"
Totally this |
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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago
Somewhere in Co. Down |
Oddly, you can be more lonely in a relationship than when you are single. That was my experience in my marriage. At least less people stay in unhappy relationships than used to happen.
You have to be happy with your own company, if you aren’t, a partner won’t improve that in my opinion.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There is no 'right' answer to any of this - and you have raised quite a few issues in your post OP. The only answer is what feels right for you, bearing in mind that very little in life is perfect. "
I agree with this. I think if you're happy being single then that's wonderful and there's nothing wrong with that, and you should never feel like you HAVE to be paired off with someone to be happy. But, not every relationship diminishes over time and not every relationship will be like what you and your wife had where you're left with something missing, so don't let that put you off being with someone else. I hope that makes sense. |
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I think you should never give up on finding a great partner if that’s what you really desire, but meanwhile enjoy the single life
It’s typical of getting out of a bad relationship to feel dubious of meeting a new love again, but as you get older you defiantly do get wiser
I’m single but I know I’m at my happiest when I’m in love and loved, single life can be great too but I know I enjoy the company too much to not have another partner |
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Personally I'll likely never go back to monogamy. It's a lot to ask one other person to fulfil all your needs, be totally sexually compatible with you, have a matching sex drive, be the sort of person you want to live with and the sort of person you want to share finances with. Being Poly I can date people who are wonderful but may not be all those things. I don't rely on one person to meet most of my emotional needs and all of me sexual needs. If we have any difference in taste sexually then we can explore those things elsewhere. I also get to have the bed to myself when my live in partner stays over with others! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There’s a lot to unpack there OP and no easy answer
There’s an interesting light hearted book that you might find worth a read called the unexpected joy of being single. She is a great author who’s examining her own behaviour in terms of seeking a relationship and dating but actually there’s some interesting serious points raised. It may well be that you’re trying to create what you didn’t have as a child, there’s also an interesting section on attachment styles that’s worth looking at.
I had a long not particularly nice marriage and yet I’m still trying dating etc...in the hope that I will meet someone at some point. I feel happiest when I have someone to share my life with be it a best friend or lover but hopefully the two together  |
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That sounds very interesting, sexatdawn. Many thanks for the tip-off. I sometimes wonder if my new 'normal' is what I want for the rest of my life, but blimey, we could all be run over by a bus tomorrow, so should I worry? |
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"It is isn't it Roger. It is a very good question."
It's several questions. What does he want from a partner? What does he want to be to somebody else? Would he be better off with a hobby or two? Has he ever had a partner? Did it end well? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"That sounds very interesting, sexatdawn. Many thanks for the tip-off. I sometimes wonder if my new 'normal' is what I want for the rest of my life, but blimey, we could all be run over by a bus tomorrow, so should I worry? "
You’re welcome, I think as we get older we want different things in a relationship and then find our new normal as you say. If you’re happy with you’re own company then that’s fab but remaining open to other opportunities is always good  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think sometimes we hold on so long and give so much of ourselves even though deep down we know it's unhealthy because we don't want to fail, we don't want others to see us fail either.
I know a fair few people that to the outside world they have the perfect marriage yet behind closed doors they're no more than friends, sleeping in separate rooms, no intimacy and wishing they were elsewhere. Finances and kids keep them where they are, and the familiarity of knowing they're getting by rather than seemingly losing everything.
Familiarity over fear of the unknown.
P
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've had 2 long term relationships and can admit to myself now after a lot of single years that I was never very good at being with someone else.
I now have no desire to live with anyone.
I miss intimacy , kisses,cuddles sharing my day etc..
But I do not miss the constant work and compromise it takes to be in a relationship.
I do not not miss being involved with someone else's family either - that has been a major issue for me in the past.
I would like to have a bigger social circle though and more sex.
I'm working on it  |
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I was married at 22 for 17 yrs and then looked after my ex financially and emotionally for 5 yrs afterwards as I felt he had to be happy before myself and kids could move on.
3 yrs ago I realised he would never be happy and how much control he had over me. I cut the ties and have been rediscovering myself which has been great. I discovered how much I love sex (hated it when married) and now I’m trying to build on my self confidence sexually.
I am not looking for a partner as I have a wide social circle so never lonely and enjoy my own company however if I met someone and it worked I wouldn’t rule it out. I do know I would end any relationship that I felt wasn’t making me happy, I will never be in a stale relationship.
Ideally I would like to find a fwb(not fb) to enjoy fun times as that would compliment my life perfectly  |
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