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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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So a kinda long one to read but looking for opinions.Bare with me while I get to the point.
I dont know if everyone has a what if from there past but I do. In my younger years I met a wonderful older guy. He was in the army and on leave for a while. We had an amazing few months together. When it was time for him to go back he finished things as he said I was to young to be waiting for him.
I reluctantly agreed. Broke my heart. He was the guy who really helped me discover my sexual side and to this day ive never had the kinda sex I had with him. Over about the space of two years he used to text me to meet up. We would fuck and Id not here from him again till he wanted more sex. Each time a little part of me was chipped away at. My confidence wasn't good.
Then out of the blue I ran into him working in a hotel near by. He started messaging me. It had been about a year since I had heard from him. He told me had left the army permanently and was looking to settle down and start the next part of his life. He was seeing someone at the time but dumped her. He told me that I had always been the one for him. I knew I was getting sucked back in. I met him him in his apartment and after having sex I made and excuse and left. I pulled into the nearest phone shop and bought a new sim card. I had decided that I was taking back the control. I knew he would have no way of contacting me as I hadn't told him where I had moved too.
Fast forward a lot of years (about 2 months ago) I was home visiting my mum for a weekend and went out for a few drinks with my sister. Thats when it happened I bumped into him. He was working in a nightclub. I was d*unk and the years had been very kind to him. I gave him my number. We have been mailing since. He has said he has worked all over the place but kept coming back to my home town in the hope of us meeting.
We have sent 100 plus messages a day since. He keeps asking to meet but I keep putting him off. He has always been the one guy I know I have truly loved but also the one guy can break me. I really dont know what to do.
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Its difficult to pass any sort of judgement not knowing either of you but your old enough now to know yourself how you feel about him. 100 messages a day says there is something to your relationship |
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By *andKBCouple
over a year ago
Plymouth |
If you're gonna give it a chance I'd say you make it clear you won't be having sex straight off the bat!
Date, spend time together and make it clear he's gonna have to earn his way back into your bed. If he doesn't want to do that I'd suggest he's playing you for sex |
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Tough one, I’ve been in a very similar situation. We’ve both said we could fall for each other but it’s too late. When younger he admits he used me for sex because he frightened to feel anything more, now we’re older and life is more complicated we regret our chance. He’ll always have a place in my heart however much of a dick he is. I have no advice but know you’re not alone |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m not usually one to believe in such things as ‘fate’ or ‘the one’ but to bump into him, not once but twice after that seems like more than just coincidence. I say give him a chance. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’m not usually one to believe in such things as ‘fate’ or ‘the one’ but to bump into him, not once but twice after that seems like more than just coincidence. I say give him a chance."
I'd be the same. I don't normally believe in anything like that either. When I seen him I'd imagine it looked like something from a movie. I litterly couldn't speak. It felt like my heart stopped beating and everything stood still. |
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He sounds like a complete mind fuck to me.
He dumped another girl because you came along? Just like that, if someone better than you came along are you gone aswell?
Sounds like your a little besotted and totally get that but this guy has had 3 chances now to make somthing work with you and 3 times hes just used you for sex. Once bitten and all that x
Best of luck whatever you do and sorry for been negative just hope you find happiness not matyer what you decide op x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"He sounds like a complete mind fuck to me.
He dumped another girl because you came along? Just like that, if someone better than you came along are you gone aswell?
Sounds like your a little besotted and totally get that but this guy has had 3 chances now to make somthing work with you and 3 times hes just used you for sex. Once bitten and all that x
Best of luck whatever you do and sorry for been negative just hope you find happiness not matyer what you decide op x "
That's what puts me off. Usually when I put out ye is gone. He insists that I've always been the one for him he just was young and stupid and was afraid of settling down. This is what he is telling me now. He came from a broken home and grew up in and out of foster care. He said that made it hard for him to have proper relationships. |
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"He sounds like a complete mind fuck to me.
He dumped another girl because you came along? Just like that, if someone better than you came along are you gone aswell?
Sounds like your a little besotted and totally get that but this guy has had 3 chances now to make somthing work with you and 3 times hes just used you for sex. Once bitten and all that x
Best of luck whatever you do and sorry for been negative just hope you find happiness not matyer what you decide op x
That's what puts me off. Usually when I put out ye is gone. He insists that I've always been the one for him he just was young and stupid and was afraid of settling down. This is what he is telling me now. He came from a broken home and grew up in and out of foster care. He said that made it hard for him to have proper relationships."
And with experience of his life myself i can completley agree. Thing is has he done any work on himself to help with these issues? If not whats going to change?
Really do wish you the best as you seem lovely and really really like this guy but the gut never lies so whichever way thats telling you is definetley the right way xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My advice would be to be to look after yourself and as much as you have feelings for this guy don't enter into something where all the energy comes from you.
It's difficult to judge but my one dimensional view is that if he really wanted to be with you he'd have made more effort when you were apart. What if your paths hadn't crossed?
He maybe very genuine but the fact you have, sensibly, asked for advice suggests your not sure.
Whatever I hope it works out how you want it to.
Good luck x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"...
Broke my heart.
Over about the space of two years he used to text me to meet up. We would fuck and Id not here from him again till he wanted more sex.
Each time a little part of me was chipped away at.
My confidence wasn't good.
He was seeing someone at the time but dumped her.
I knew I was getting sucked back in.
I met him him in his apartment and after having sex I made and excuse and left. I pulled into the nearest phone shop and bought a new sim card.
I had decided that I was taking back the control.
He keeps asking to meet but I keep putting him off.
...but also the one guy can break me. I really dont know what to do.
... "
Your gut is telling you what to do. Xx |
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You haven't let go of him emotionally. That's not going to change without taking the plunge with him.
You could end up either being very happy or he could break your heart again, but you could at least get closure.
Whatever you do will be a gamble. Is the outcome of it going wrong worse than feeling this way forever? Is it worth taking the risk when the prize could be real happiness?
In your situation I (Luke) would say it's worth finding out by taking that chance. |
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Look at your history and do the maths. Are you truly coming from a point of mutrual intrest, effort and desire? Or is it a little one sided on your half. What does the the history tell you about the chances he'd be as dedicated, intrested and put as much work into a long term relationship as you would? Or will it just leave you alone, totally drained and broken one day. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"He sounds like a complete mind fuck to me.
He dumped another girl because you came along? Just like that, if someone better than you came along are you gone aswell?
Sounds like your a little besotted and totally get that but this guy has had 3 chances now to make somthing work with you and 3 times hes just used you for sex. Once bitten and all that x
Best of luck whatever you do and sorry for been negative just hope you find happiness not matyer what you decide op x
That's what puts me off. Usually when I put out ye is gone. He insists that I've always been the one for him he just was young and stupid and was afraid of settling down. This is what he is telling me now. He came from a broken home and grew up in and out of foster care. He said that made it hard for him to have proper relationships.
And with experience of his life myself i can completley agree. Thing is has he done any work on himself to help with these issues? If not whats going to change?
Really do wish you the best as you seem lovely and really really like this guy but the gut never lies so whichever way thats telling you is definetley the right way xxx "
He said he has but I don't know. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"My advice would be to be to look after yourself and as much as you have feelings for this guy don't enter into something where all the energy comes from you.
It's difficult to judge but my one dimensional view is that if he really wanted to be with you he'd have made more effort when you were apart. What if your paths hadn't crossed?
He maybe very genuine but the fact you have, sensibly, asked for advice suggests your not sure.
Whatever I hope it works out how you want it to.
Good luck x"
Thanks for the advice. I have thought about him always since we've been apart but I don't know if I should dove in. I think taking it slow is a really good idea. Although we haven't met since the night in the pub and he hasn't pushed me. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"He sounds like a complete mind fuck to me.
He dumped another girl because you came along? Just like that, if someone better than you came along are you gone aswell?
Sounds like your a little besotted and totally get that but this guy has had 3 chances now to make somthing work with you and 3 times hes just used you for sex. Once bitten and all that x
Best of luck whatever you do and sorry for been negative just hope you find happiness not matyer what you decide op x
That's what puts me off. Usually when I put out ye is gone. He insists that I've always been the one for him he just was young and stupid and was afraid of settling down. This is what he is telling me now. He came from a broken home and grew up in and out of foster care. He said that made it hard for him to have proper relationships.
And with experience of his life myself i can completley agree. Thing is has he done any work on himself to help with these issues? If not whats going to change?
Really do wish you the best as you seem lovely and really really like this guy but the gut never lies so whichever way thats telling you is definetley the right way xxx "
He said he has had counselling to help him deal with his past and to deal with the fact that he is always hoping from one place to the next. He never spends more then 6 months in one place before moving on. He is currently 8 months where is now. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sounds like a mind fuck. If you do decided to meet at least go in with ur eyes open. He has to earn your trust. From experience hits like this are usually just after the one thing. I hope I'm wrong. I guess the question is can you handle the heat break if it goes wrong? |
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I don't know for you but I also assume that you have changed over the years and may have very different needs today. It's risky to get drawn back to the past, when we potentially have bigger areas of growth in front of us, from the actual position that we are at today, rather than the emotionally hurt person we were some years ago. I had a similar situation last year and didn't contact them again, deciding to live my life and to possibly, and only possibly, make contact at a point in the future if and when I decided it was right. This took it away from being timed by chance and ensured that if I do, it will restart from a position that I then know I will be exploring and dating again. And it will not be based on technology interaction but real live engagement.
In the flesh together it is much more difficult for us to create a fantasy relationship, that's based on who we were or dreamed of having in our past. In essence I think it's important to get to know each other based on now. We're also easily extremely biased, about our memories and relationships and if we have any emotional unfulfilled needs today, we are heavily open to influences, away from what may not make good, sound sense for us.
It's a really tough decision to make as none of us want to lose the potentially best chance of our future happiness. I think most days of the person who made me feel incredible and where our sex was earth-shattering, like no other. I've curtailed it from going anywhere, possibly ever again because I didn't feel comfortable about how we had engaged again.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Sounds like a mind fuck. If you do decided to meet at least go in with ur eyes open. He has to earn your trust. From experience hits like this are usually just after the one thing. I hope I'm wrong. I guess the question is can you handle the heat break if it goes wrong? "
I'd like to think I am older and wiser now. I know that when I met him again I had butterflys and felt like I was 16 all over again. I do feel that I'd fall very quick for him and I now have kids to consider. Can I handle the heart break well I'm not really sure. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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you said "he kept coming to your home town in the hope of meeting you"
sorry to sound negative but if he wanted to find you he could have very easily .... word of mouth, social media, your mum etc
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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He sounds controlling.
He sounds like a taker.
He sounds like a user.
He sounds like a fantasist and dreamer.
From what I understand, you can't take several months leave from the Army.
The visiting your town to hopefully find you is to appeal to your romantic nature. If Tom Hanks was to sit at the same bench once a week with a rose and a picture of you, you'd saw aww and go all mushy.
If Fred West was to park at the end of your drive every evening, you'd have alarm bells.
Put your self esteem and self worth above the fantasy that this guy can be all you want and need.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"you said "he kept coming to your home town in the hope of meeting you"
sorry to sound negative but if he wanted to find you he could have very easily .... word of mouth, social media, your mum etc
"
This is very true. I don't live in my home town anymore. Have moved away a few years now but he could have asked around. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"you said "he kept coming to your home town in the hope of meeting you"
sorry to sound negative but if he wanted to find you he could have very easily .... word of mouth, social media, your mum etc
This is very true. I don't live in my home town anymore. Have moved away a few years now but he could have asked around. "
Facebook is so easy to find anyone, links to jobs, schools, friends etc
but they have to actually be looking to find the person
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Previous behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour.
He's been a knob before, he'll be a knob again.
I know that ain't what you want to hear, but I'm sure your gut feeling is telling you the same.
Don't get sucked in again.
Think with your head, not your fanny.
Good luck x
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Previous behaviour is the best indicator of future behaviour.
He's been a knob before, he'll be a knob again.
I know that ain't what you want to hear, but I'm sure your gut feeling is telling you the same.
Don't get sucked in again.
Think with your head, not your fanny.
Good luck x
"
Not your fanny  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Sounds like a mind fuck. If you do decided to meet at least go in with ur eyes open. He has to earn your trust. From experience hits like this are usually just after the one thing. I hope I'm wrong. I guess the question is can you handle the heat break if it goes wrong?
I'd like to think I am older and wiser now. I know that when I met him again I had butterflys and felt like I was 16 all over again. I do feel that I'd fall very quick for him and I now have kids to consider. Can I handle the heart break well I'm not really sure."
Only you can decide if its acrually worth the risk. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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So after chatting on the phone earlier to him I asked why he never got in touch. He told me that about a year after I had walked out of his life he came back to my home town to see me but I was with someone else. Then when he looked me up on Facebook later he couldn't find me but eventually did under my married name and obviously then couldn't contact me. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Hard as it might be I'd be telling him to do one. It sounds like he's been stringing you along for a long time. You deserve better than that.
What's the age gap out of interest?"
The age gap is only 8 years so not that much |
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