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jokes that do not offend
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"What do you call a deer with no eye's .... No idea
What do you call a deer with no eye's and no legs ... Still no idea
 "
You missed one.
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?
Still no fucking idea |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Does anybody have a joke that does not offend some group or person?
"
what do you call a wizard with a beard?
Hairy Potter
What do you call a wizard with a cold?
Harry Snotter |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A Man who worked for a local Fire Station came home from Work one day and told his Wife,
"You know, we have a wonderful system at the Fire Station.
Bell #1 rings and we all put on our Jackets.
Bell #2 rings and we all slide down the Pole.
Bell #3 rings and we're ready to go on the Trucks.
So from now on we're going to run this House of ours, the same way.
When I say Bell #1, I want you to strip Naked.
When I say Bell #2, I want you to jump into Bed,
and when I say, Bell #3, we're going to make Love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled,
"Bell #1" and his Wife took off all her Clothes.
He then yelled "Bell #2" and his Wife jumped into Bed.
Then he yelled "Bell #3" and they began to make Love.
After 2 minutes, his Wife yelled -
"Bell #4.. Bell #4", The Husband asked,
"What's this Bell #4, all about…???"
And the Wife replied,
"More Hose, More Hose...! You're nowhere near the fucking Fire".. ?? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Man finds a lamp and rubs it. Out pops an ageing genie.
"You have one wish and one only" says the genie.
"Give me a twelve inch penis" says the man.
"Granted!" Replies the genie. A puff of smoke and there appears a little man with slicked hair, bow tie and long fingers.
"What's that?" demands the man.
Genie turns up his hearing aid " a twelve inch pianist.." |
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It's Spring and the new ducklings are at the the water's edge. The nearest creature to them is a big ol' frog. One of the ducklings says to the frog "How deep is the water?"
And the frog says "kneedeep" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"A Man who worked for a local Fire Station came home from Work one day and told his Wife,
"You know, we have a wonderful system at the Fire Station.
Bell #1 rings and we all put on our Jackets.
Bell #2 rings and we all slide down the Pole.
Bell #3 rings and we're ready to go on the Trucks.
So from now on we're going to run this House of ours, the same way.
When I say Bell #1, I want you to strip Naked.
When I say Bell #2, I want you to jump into Bed,
and when I say, Bell #3, we're going to make Love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled,
"Bell #1" and his Wife took off all her Clothes.
He then yelled "Bell #2" and his Wife jumped into Bed.
Then he yelled "Bell #3" and they began to make Love.
After 2 minutes, his Wife yelled -
"Bell #4.. Bell #4", The Husband asked,
"What's this Bell #4, all about…???"
And the Wife replied,
"More Hose, More Hose...! You're nowhere near the fucking Fire".. ??"
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
I had to read that joke out loud 3 times before I got it!"
I still don’t get it.. I failed this joke  |
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"What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with C and ends in T?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A Coconut
Wrong, correct answer is surely CunT "
Hey - I think I just saw the punchline flying over your head!  |
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"What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
I had to read that joke out loud 3 times before I got it!
I still don’t get it.. I failed this joke "
Omg, so glad it wasn't just me!!
Read it out loud, and run the "Aye" and the "Matey" in together |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with C and ends in T?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A Coconut
Wrong, correct answer is surely CunT
Hey - I think I just saw the punchline flying over your head! "
Please accept my sincere apologies |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
I had to read that joke out loud 3 times before I got it!
I still don’t get it.. I failed this joke
Omg, so glad it wasn't just me!!
Read it out loud, and run the "Aye" and the "Matey" in together "
Are you giving me home work??! |
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By *rAitchMan
over a year ago
Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe |
Some people take half an Aspirin per day for medicinal purposes.
My dad, who is 81, takes half a Viagra per day. Not because he's striking lucky. It keeps his feet dry when he goes for a pee! |
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"Why did the chicken cross the road ?
To see the idiot ...
Knock knock
Who's there
The chicken
If you find that offensive you're an idiot 
You can't say idiot ..well you can but it may offend.."
Yes but I think the suggestion is only an idiot would be offended by a joke that insults idiots
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, "I vish to buy sex vit you."
"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge £20 an hour."
"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.
"The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her elbows and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She find this odd, but it's harmless, and after all the guy is paying well. The sex is fantastic.
She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath to say:
"That was totally amazing, where did you learn how to do that?"
"Ah," says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique" |
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"A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, "I vish to buy sex vit you."
"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge £20 an hour."
"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."
"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky." So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs.
"The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her elbows and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans und knees." She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She find this odd, but it's harmless, and after all the guy is paying well. The sex is fantastic.
She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath to say:
"That was totally amazing, where did you learn how to do that?"
"Ah," says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique""
 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
John Wayne visits a brothel and says to the madam “ how much for my company “? She says “ 40 dollars for an hour” So John Wayne shouts out “COMPANY FORRRWARD |
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"Did you hear the one about the magic tractor...it went down a lane and turned into a field! Ba-dum-tsh!
Ill get me coat! "
Can I ask if this was a close to carbon neutral tractor? Because I would be offended by any joke the perpetuates normalisation polluting transportation means. |
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"It's Spring and the new ducklings are at the the water's edge. The nearest creature to them is a big ol' frog. One of the ducklings says to the frog "How deep is the water?"
And the frog says "kneedeep""
I dont get this ? |
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Rene Descartes walked into a bar and ordered a pint.
The barman commented that he'd been coming in a lot and did he consider that he might have a drink problem?
Rene replied "I think not." Then promptly disappeared in a puff of logic. |
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