FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Is a non monogamous lifestyle selfish?
Is a non monogamous lifestyle selfish?
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"This question has been rattling around my head for a little while now. Not to insult or cast aspersions on folks but is the non monogamous lifestyle simply about getting what *you* want in a permissive environment with no recourse? Tea" Pretty much yes | |||
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"Pretty much yes " Explain? | |||
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"Pretty much yes Explain? " Oh crikey I need reasons too  
Let me read the question again first, hopefully someone else answers better than me | |||
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"Maybe. After all when some get what they want they decide it wasnt worth it anyway..... Then on to the next shiney toy, just like magpies..." So that just means it wasnt what they wanted then. Moving on is natural in that case and nothing to with 'next'. | |||
"Pretty much yes Explain? " I think it's a rather selfish attitude, and yes, I joined fab for the same selfishness (I was recently out of a marriage and had no intention of being tied to one bloke so selfishly joined here knowing that I could have sex without any ties) And the lifestyle is, the majority of the time, about *you* (whichever you you are!) | |||
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"Maybe. After all when some get what they want they decide it wasnt worth it anyway..... Then on to the next shiney toy, just like magpies..." Isnt that the point of swinging and non monogamy though? You meet, you have fun, then you both move on to the next... | |||
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"Relationship anarchy all the way. All relationships not just sexual. " | |||
"I think we have different needs at different times in our lives. So no, as long as everyone who needs to know knows, it’s not selfish." I'm not necessarily saying it's a bad thing, but what you've just described is a very individualist motive. Everyone involved is aware of the situation, so no hurt feelings, however, everyone is looking for their own gain and what they want from it, hence; selfish. | |||
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"This question has been rattling around my head for a little while now. Not to insult or cast aspersions on folks but is the non monogamous lifestyle simply about getting what *you* want in a permissive environment with no recourse? Tea" I would say so, yes | |||
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"This sounds like a Tames post" Interesting... | |||
"I think we have different needs at different times in our lives. So no, as long as everyone who needs to know knows, it’s not selfish. I'm not necessarily saying it's a bad thing, but what you've just described is a very individualist motive. Everyone involved is aware of the situation, so no hurt feelings, however, everyone is looking for their own gain and what they want from it, hence; selfish. " I beg to disagree. My definition of selfish is thinking there’s no need to share information. Lie to get laid, what you don’t know won’t hurt you. Satisfying your own needs being the number one priority. In my eyes this means one night stands galore and there are many people who do need this. In my eyes, playing with open cards to find some regular playmates means you only attract those who can cope with the situation and are looking for the same thing. We are also more of an individualistic culture in the UK. Not as bad as the US but getting there. Is it better in group cultures then? | |||
"This question has been rattling around my head for a little while now. Not to insult or cast aspersions on folks but is the non monogamous lifestyle simply about getting what *you* want in a permissive environment with no recourse? Tea" Absolutely not. It's about responsibility, respect for my partners (who all see other people too), communication and fundamentally about being true to myself. | |||
"There's no way of applying a blanket judgement to a mode of relationship. How moral a situation is depends how individuals behave. Are there poly people who do it because they're selfish and don't care about the needs of their partner? Sure. But there are also monogamous people who are only married so they have someone to raise their kids and cook and clean for them, or who cheat regularly. It's totally possible to be poly because you value the benefits it brings *and* you love your partner and want them to have exactly the same. " It's interesting that you're talking about morals and applying moral values to selfishness. I'd argue that being selfish isn't inherently a bad thing, so long as all involved are aware and get what they want too. | |||
"This question has been rattling around my head for a little while now. Not to insult or cast aspersions on folks but is the non monogamous lifestyle simply about getting what *you* want in a permissive environment with no recourse? Tea Absolutely not. It's about responsibility, respect for my partners (who all see other people too), communication and fundamentally about being true to myself. " So you're not looking what you want from your encounters then? | |||
"Maybe. After all when some get what they want they decide it wasnt worth it anyway..... Then on to the next shiney toy, just like magpies... So that just means it wasnt what they wanted then. Moving on is natural in that case and nothing to with 'next'." Does rather reduce people and experiences to commodities though, with a somewhat self centric view of the world. And rather depends on how honest people are, up front, about what they really want. Rather like saying whatever works to ensure self satisfaction, or otherwise, and then once satisfied or otherwise, simply moving on to the next shiney object, then rinse and repeat. Or maybe I'm just far too cynical..... | |||
"This question has been rattling around my head for a little while now. Not to insult or cast aspersions on folks but is the non monogamous lifestyle simply about getting what *you* want in a permissive environment with no recourse? Tea Absolutely not. It's about responsibility, respect for my partners (who all see other people too), communication and fundamentally about being true to myself. " I like the bit about being true to yourself. Sometimes there are things we have to do for ourselves, that could appear to be selfish but thats where the communication with a partner comes in so it is understood by both. | |||
"Maybe. After all when some get what they want they decide it wasnt worth it anyway..... Then on to the next shiney toy, just like magpies... So that just means it wasnt what they wanted then. Moving on is natural in that case and nothing to with 'next'. Does rather reduce people and experiences to commodities though, with a somewhat self centric view of the world. And rather depends on how honest people are, up front, about what they really want. Rather like saying whatever works to ensure self satisfaction, or otherwise, and then once satisfied or otherwise, simply moving on to the next shiney object, then rinse and repeat. Or maybe I'm just far too cynical..... " You are yes. Nobody in the world ever just stops at trying one of anything before finding what they like. This is not a bad thing and doesnt assume what was tried before hand wasnt valued, it just didnt fit. We all have our free will to like what we like. | |||
"Maybe. After all when some get what they want they decide it wasnt worth it anyway..... Then on to the next shiney toy, just like magpies... So that just means it wasnt what they wanted then. Moving on is natural in that case and nothing to with 'next'. Does rather reduce people and experiences to commodities though, with a somewhat self centric view of the world. And rather depends on how honest people are, up front, about what they really want. Rather like saying whatever works to ensure self satisfaction, or otherwise, and then once satisfied or otherwise, simply moving on to the next shiney object, then rinse and repeat. Or maybe I'm just far too cynical..... " It is what it is. I find it to be rather a bitter sweet to swallow also. Though, I find it to be rather true. | |||
"This question has been rattling around my head for a little while now. Not to insult or cast aspersions on folks but is the non monogamous lifestyle simply about getting what *you* want in a permissive environment with no recourse? Tea" Only if there's an emotional cost to someone else. | |||
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"Pretty much yes Explain? I think it's a rather selfish attitude, and yes, I joined fab for the same selfishness (I was recently out of a marriage and had no intention of being tied to one bloke so selfishly joined here knowing that I could have sex without any ties) And the lifestyle is, the majority of the time, about *you* (whichever you you are!) " If everyone in the lifestyle thinks its entirely about *you* then at what point to we lose touch with our humanity, how we relate to others, empathy, and all those other human traits that sometimes bind the world together. Is there really no such thing as mutuality any more or are we all just that *you* whose only interest in "what's in it for me"? Does that *you* eventually fail to ever see beyond whatever the next shiney thing is to how their interactions with others have impacts on life beyond their own, or if it's just all about *you* does it even matter.... | |||
"This question has been rattling around my head for a little while now. Not to insult or cast aspersions on folks but is the non monogamous lifestyle simply about getting what *you* want in a permissive environment with no recourse? Tea" Yes and no!! (Sorry - I know that’s not an answer - but it’s the one I’ve got!) Yes - in some couples I’ve met it definitely selfish/imbalanced on their part - one of them is getting the lions share out of it and the other is there because they see it as the only way of keeping their partner ‘happy’! It’s something most of us in the club scene have witnessed! Also no - because I’ve met at least as many, if not more, couples who revel both in the pleasure they get from it themselves and the pleasure their partner is getting! Couples who are totally secure in their own love/sex life and who aren’t jealous or possessive by nature - who’s sex life (and often friendships) is enhanced by the extra people they invite to join them in bed! I’d love to find someone special and have the latter! Not something you’ll find on a hallmark card - but there you go!  | |||
"This question has been rattling around my head for a little while now. Not to insult or cast aspersions on folks but is the non monogamous lifestyle simply about getting what *you* want in a permissive environment with no recourse? Tea" It depends really MT here. I have lived an ethical non monogamous lifestyle since I was 17. I have always been totally upfront with anyone that I am with from the start. And my partner's have always embraced the lifestyle and grown and explored with me. It's a great life. | |||
"Maybe. After all when some get what they want they decide it wasnt worth it anyway..... Then on to the next shiney toy, just like magpies... So that just means it wasnt what they wanted then. Moving on is natural in that case and nothing to with 'next'. Does rather reduce people and experiences to commodities though, with a somewhat self centric view of the world. And rather depends on how honest people are, up front, about what they really want. Rather like saying whatever works to ensure self satisfaction, or otherwise, and then once satisfied or otherwise, simply moving on to the next shiney object, then rinse and repeat. Or maybe I'm just far too cynical..... You are yes. Nobody in the world ever just stops at trying one of anything before finding what they like. This is not a bad thing and doesnt assume what was tried before hand wasnt valued, it just didnt fit. We all have our free will to like what we like. " As I said it rather depends on how honest people are up front about what they want, or claim to want. We all try different things, it's part of how we grow. And yes we have free will, but also the choice of how we use it. I've done the it's all about me; next; thing. All in all it was a bit empty, meh, and that *you* when we become that commodity, it's sometimes not a great place to be. Me I'd rather something more real enduring mutual. But then as I've said on another thread, maybe I just dont belong here... | |||
"This sounds like a Tames post Interesting... " I don't believe it's selfish, if that is what you're looking for from the outset in a relationship, it's perfectly normal. If you started as a non monogamous relationship and one person wants to quit and wants you to quit as well, then I would say it's a bit selfish | |||
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"What are the reasons anyone does anything? So long as respect and consideration tempers our self-interest nobody can be accused of being overly selfish, whatever lifestyle choices we make. " That's kind of my point, thanks! I don't think that looking for what *you* want from a situation is a bad thing, why do we go to work, pay bills, etc. There is almost always a personal gain in most things that we do. If anything, I'd say that swinging and non monogamy is healthier as the 'selfish' motives are clearer. | |||
"This question has been rattling around my head for a little while now. Not to insult or cast aspersions on folks but is the non monogamous lifestyle simply about getting what *you* want in a permissive environment with no recourse? Tea Absolutely not. It's about responsibility, respect for my partners (who all see other people too), communication and fundamentally about being true to myself. I like the bit about being true to yourself. Sometimes there are things we have to do for ourselves, that could appear to be selfish but thats where the communication with a partner comes in so it is understood by both. " Re being true to myself. I'm not wired for monogamy. But nor are my partners. I don't think I've ever dated anyone who was monogamous. So I'm bent true to myself, and my partners are being true to themselves. What we have is very open communication, huge respect for each other and each others partners. It's certainly not selfish. | |||
"Maybe. After all when some get what they want they decide it wasnt worth it anyway..... Then on to the next shiney toy, just like magpies... So that just means it wasnt what they wanted then. Moving on is natural in that case and nothing to with 'next'. Does rather reduce people and experiences to commodities though, with a somewhat self centric view of the world. And rather depends on how honest people are, up front, about what they really want. Rather like saying whatever works to ensure self satisfaction, or otherwise, and then once satisfied or otherwise, simply moving on to the next shiney object, then rinse and repeat. Or maybe I'm just far too cynical..... You are yes. Nobody in the world ever just stops at trying one of anything before finding what they like. This is not a bad thing and doesnt assume what was tried before hand wasnt valued, it just didnt fit. We all have our free will to like what we like. As I said it rather depends on how honest people are up front about what they want, or claim to want. We all try different things, it's part of how we grow. And yes we have free will, but also the choice of how we use it. I've done the it's all about me; next; thing. All in all it was a bit empty, meh, and that *you* when we become that commodity, it's sometimes not a great place to be. Me I'd rather something more real enduring mutual. But then as I've said on another thread, maybe I just dont belong here... " You can have as been as honest as you like but people can still change their mind down the line and what once was, isnt anymore. What you want isnt here | |||
"This question has been rattling around my head for a little while now. Not to insult or cast aspersions on folks but is the non monogamous lifestyle simply about getting what *you* want in a permissive environment with no recourse? Tea Absolutely not. It's about responsibility, respect for my partners (who all see other people too), communication and fundamentally about being true to myself. I like the bit about being true to yourself. Sometimes there are things we have to do for ourselves, that could appear to be selfish but thats where the communication with a partner comes in so it is understood by both. Re being true to myself. I'm not wired for monogamy. But nor are my partners. I don't think I've ever dated anyone who was monogamous. So I'm bent true to myself, and my partners are being true to themselves. What we have is very open communication, huge respect for each other and each others partners. It's certainly not selfish. " Communication is key x | |||
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"Maybe. After all when some get what they want they decide it wasnt worth it anyway..... Then on to the next shiney toy, just like magpies... So that just means it wasnt what they wanted then. Moving on is natural in that case and nothing to with 'next'. Does rather reduce people and experiences to commodities though, with a somewhat self centric view of the world. And rather depends on how honest people are, up front, about what they really want. Rather like saying whatever works to ensure self satisfaction, or otherwise, and then once satisfied or otherwise, simply moving on to the next shiney object, then rinse and repeat. Or maybe I'm just far too cynical..... You are yes. Nobody in the world ever just stops at trying one of anything before finding what they like. This is not a bad thing and doesnt assume what was tried before hand wasnt valued, it just didnt fit. We all have our free will to like what we like. As I said it rather depends on how honest people are up front about what they want, or claim to want. We all try different things, it's part of how we grow. And yes we have free will, but also the choice of how we use it. I've done the it's all about me; next; thing. All in all it was a bit empty, meh, and that *you* when we become that commodity, it's sometimes not a great place to be. Me I'd rather something more real enduring mutual. But then as I've said on another thread, maybe I just dont belong here... You can have as been as honest as you like but people can still change their mind down the line and what once was, isnt anymore. What you want isnt here " What I want may, or may not want, isnt guaranteed to be here. Yet what I may want is tempered by the reality that if we ever want we have to give in equal, or better measure, if the wanting and getting are to have any real meaningful human value. Unless of course what we want is so much more important than what I and another may share. I think the keyword there is probably share.... We can want to dance on the moon, it's never going to happen without others. That selfish "I want what I want" and I'll do anything to get it, without considering what we are prepared to give to get what we want, if everyone followed that mantra, I think the world would be a sadder more isolated and ultimately empty place. No man, or woman, is an island, entire of themselves. Guy called John Donne wrote that about 250 years ago. | |||
"Maybe. After all when some get what they want they decide it wasnt worth it anyway..... Then on to the next shiney toy, just like magpies... So that just means it wasnt what they wanted then. Moving on is natural in that case and nothing to with 'next'. Does rather reduce people and experiences to commodities though, with a somewhat self centric view of the world. And rather depends on how honest people are, up front, about what they really want. Rather like saying whatever works to ensure self satisfaction, or otherwise, and then once satisfied or otherwise, simply moving on to the next shiney object, then rinse and repeat. Or maybe I'm just far too cynical..... You are yes. Nobody in the world ever just stops at trying one of anything before finding what they like. This is not a bad thing and doesnt assume what was tried before hand wasnt valued, it just didnt fit. We all have our free will to like what we like. As I said it rather depends on how honest people are up front about what they want, or claim to want. We all try different things, it's part of how we grow. And yes we have free will, but also the choice of how we use it. I've done the it's all about me; next; thing. All in all it was a bit empty, meh, and that *you* when we become that commodity, it's sometimes not a great place to be. Me I'd rather something more real enduring mutual. But then as I've said on another thread, maybe I just dont belong here... You can have as been as honest as you like but people can still change their mind down the line and what once was, isnt anymore. What you want isnt here What I want may, or may not want, isnt guaranteed to be here. Yet what I may want is tempered by the reality that if we ever want we have to give in equal, or better measure, if the wanting and getting are to have any real meaningful human value. Unless of course what we want is so much more important than what I and another may share. I think the keyword there is probably share.... We can want to dance on the moon, it's never going to happen without others. That selfish "I want what I want" and I'll do anything to get it, without considering what we are prepared to give to get what we want, if everyone followed that mantra, I think the world would be a sadder more isolated and ultimately empty place. No man, or woman, is an island, entire of themselves. Guy called John Donne wrote that about 250 years ago. " Double the number of years  | |||
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"Maybe. After all when some get what they want they decide it wasnt worth it anyway..... Then on to the next shiney toy, just like magpies... So that just means it wasnt what they wanted then. Moving on is natural in that case and nothing to with 'next'. Does rather reduce people and experiences to commodities though, with a somewhat self centric view of the world. And rather depends on how honest people are, up front, about what they really want. Rather like saying whatever works to ensure self satisfaction, or otherwise, and then once satisfied or otherwise, simply moving on to the next shiney object, then rinse and repeat. Or maybe I'm just far too cynical..... You are yes. Nobody in the world ever just stops at trying one of anything before finding what they like. This is not a bad thing and doesnt assume what was tried before hand wasnt valued, it just didnt fit. We all have our free will to like what we like. As I said it rather depends on how honest people are up front about what they want, or claim to want. We all try different things, it's part of how we grow. And yes we have free will, but also the choice of how we use it. I've done the it's all about me; next; thing. All in all it was a bit empty, meh, and that *you* when we become that commodity, it's sometimes not a great place to be. Me I'd rather something more real enduring mutual. But then as I've said on another thread, maybe I just dont belong here... You can have as been as honest as you like but people can still change their mind down the line and what once was, isnt anymore. What you want isnt here What I want may, or may not want, isnt guaranteed to be here. Yet what I may want is tempered by the reality that if we ever want we have to give in equal, or better measure, if the wanting and getting are to have any real meaningful human value. Unless of course what we want is so much more important than what I and another may share. I think the keyword there is probably share.... We can want to dance on the moon, it's never going to happen without others. That selfish "I want what I want" and I'll do anything to get it, without considering what we are prepared to give to get what we want, if everyone followed that mantra, I think the world would be a sadder more isolated and ultimately empty place. No man, or woman, is an island, entire of themselves. Guy called John Donne wrote that about 250 years ago. " I think that your being very assumptive about what it is to put your wants at the fore and the effort involved in getting it. You're also being quite cynical about it being a lone and lonely, even cold exercise. My point is that non monogamy isn't altruistic, its not about the benefit of all at the same point as well though, how many of our motives are? Can you honestly say that your presence on fab is for the benefit of others? That you're not getting anything from it...? | |||
"Maybe. After all when some get what they want they decide it wasnt worth it anyway..... Then on to the next shiney toy, just like magpies... So that just means it wasnt what they wanted then. Moving on is natural in that case and nothing to with 'next'. Does rather reduce people and experiences to commodities though, with a somewhat self centric view of the world. And rather depends on how honest people are, up front, about what they really want. Rather like saying whatever works to ensure self satisfaction, or otherwise, and then once satisfied or otherwise, simply moving on to the next shiney object, then rinse and repeat. Or maybe I'm just far too cynical..... You are yes. Nobody in the world ever just stops at trying one of anything before finding what they like. This is not a bad thing and doesnt assume what was tried before hand wasnt valued, it just didnt fit. We all have our free will to like what we like. As I said it rather depends on how honest people are up front about what they want, or claim to want. We all try different things, it's part of how we grow. And yes we have free will, but also the choice of how we use it. I've done the it's all about me; next; thing. All in all it was a bit empty, meh, and that *you* when we become that commodity, it's sometimes not a great place to be. Me I'd rather something more real enduring mutual. But then as I've said on another thread, maybe I just dont belong here... You can have as been as honest as you like but people can still change their mind down the line and what once was, isnt anymore. What you want isnt here What I want may, or may not want, isnt guaranteed to be here. Yet what I may want is tempered by the reality that if we ever want we have to give in equal, or better measure, if the wanting and getting are to have any real meaningful human value. Unless of course what we want is so much more important than what I and another may share. I think the keyword there is probably share.... We can want to dance on the moon, it's never going to happen without others. That selfish "I want what I want" and I'll do anything to get it, without considering what we are prepared to give to get what we want, if everyone followed that mantra, I think the world would be a sadder more isolated and ultimately empty place. No man, or woman, is an island, entire of themselves. Guy called John Donne wrote that about 250 years ago. " Irony there perhaps? So should somebody give you something you want because YOU want it so badly, even when they dont. So they should do it anyway for fear of being shamed into being callous and unsharing. You can only get something from someone who wants to give it. You can only share something that is willing to be shared. This can only happen if two people want the same? In that sense people can be as selfish as they like in who they are prepared to share with. No one is an island but you can chose who you want to be shipwrecked with and not be shamed for it. | |||
"This question has been rattling around my head for a little while now. Not to insult or cast aspersions on folks but is the non monogamous lifestyle simply about getting what *you* want in a permissive environment with no recourse? Tea" No I don't see it that way at all. It's about sharing experiences and each other. Same as going to gigs or movies together. I'm sure some of those relationships are selfish, where one person wants to fuck around more than the other. But the unhappy partner does it anyway so they don't split up. | |||
"Maybe. After all when some get what they want they decide it wasnt worth it anyway..... Then on to the next shiney toy, just like magpies... So that just means it wasnt what they wanted then. Moving on is natural in that case and nothing to with 'next'. Does rather reduce people and experiences to commodities though, with a somewhat self centric view of the world. And rather depends on how honest people are, up front, about what they really want. Rather like saying whatever works to ensure self satisfaction, or otherwise, and then once satisfied or otherwise, simply moving on to the next shiney object, then rinse and repeat. Or maybe I'm just far too cynical..... You are yes. Nobody in the world ever just stops at trying one of anything before finding what they like. This is not a bad thing and doesnt assume what was tried before hand wasnt valued, it just didnt fit. We all have our free will to like what we like. As I said it rather depends on how honest people are up front about what they want, or claim to want. We all try different things, it's part of how we grow. And yes we have free will, but also the choice of how we use it. I've done the it's all about me; next; thing. All in all it was a bit empty, meh, and that *you* when we become that commodity, it's sometimes not a great place to be. Me I'd rather something more real enduring mutual. But then as I've said on another thread, maybe I just dont belong here... You can have as been as honest as you like but people can still change their mind down the line and what once was, isnt anymore. What you want isnt here What I want may, or may not want, isnt guaranteed to be here. Yet what I may want is tempered by the reality that if we ever want we have to give in equal, or better measure, if the wanting and getting are to have any real meaningful human value. Unless of course what we want is so much more important than what I and another may share. I think the keyword there is probably share.... We can want to dance on the moon, it's never going to happen without others. That selfish "I want what I want" and I'll do anything to get it, without considering what we are prepared to give to get what we want, if everyone followed that mantra, I think the world would be a sadder more isolated and ultimately empty place. No man, or woman, is an island, entire of themselves. Guy called John Donne wrote that about 250 years ago. Irony there perhaps? So should somebody give you something you want because YOU want it so badly, even when they dont. So they should do it anyway for fear of being shamed into being callous and unsharing. You can only get something from someone who wants to give it. You can only share something that is willing to be shared. This can only happen if two people want the same? In that sense people can be as selfish as they like in who they are prepared to share with. No one is an island but you can chose who you want to be shipwrecked with and not be shamed for it. " No irony at all. And your first paragraph is not even close to what I said, which was far more about mutuality and sharing; that give and take of human experience being a two way process. That in essence to want without being prepared to give isnt such a great way to live. On fab or elsewhere. It's true you can only share anything with any other if they wish to share the same experience, life, fantasy or anything. Really not quite sure how any of that relates to "shaming" another though.... | |||
"Maybe. After all when some get what they want they decide it wasnt worth it anyway..... Then on to the next shiney toy, just like magpies... So that just means it wasnt what they wanted then. Moving on is natural in that case and nothing to with 'next'. Does rather reduce people and experiences to commodities though, with a somewhat self centric view of the world. And rather depends on how honest people are, up front, about what they really want. Rather like saying whatever works to ensure self satisfaction, or otherwise, and then once satisfied or otherwise, simply moving on to the next shiney object, then rinse and repeat. Or maybe I'm just far too cynical..... You are yes. Nobody in the world ever just stops at trying one of anything before finding what they like. This is not a bad thing and doesnt assume what was tried before hand wasnt valued, it just didnt fit. We all have our free will to like what we like. As I said it rather depends on how honest people are up front about what they want, or claim to want. We all try different things, it's part of how we grow. And yes we have free will, but also the choice of how we use it. I've done the it's all about me; next; thing. All in all it was a bit empty, meh, and that *you* when we become that commodity, it's sometimes not a great place to be. Me I'd rather something more real enduring mutual. But then as I've said on another thread, maybe I just dont belong here... You can have as been as honest as you like but people can still change their mind down the line and what once was, isnt anymore. What you want isnt here What I want may, or may not want, isnt guaranteed to be here. Yet what I may want is tempered by the reality that if we ever want we have to give in equal, or better measure, if the wanting and getting are to have any real meaningful human value. Unless of course what we want is so much more important than what I and another may share. I think the keyword there is probably share.... We can want to dance on the moon, it's never going to happen without others. That selfish "I want what I want" and I'll do anything to get it, without considering what we are prepared to give to get what we want, if everyone followed that mantra, I think the world would be a sadder more isolated and ultimately empty place. No man, or woman, is an island, entire of themselves. Guy called John Donne wrote that about 250 years ago. Irony there perhaps? So should somebody give you something you want because YOU want it so badly, even when they dont. So they should do it anyway for fear of being shamed into being callous and unsharing. You can only get something from someone who wants to give it. You can only share something that is willing to be shared. This can only happen if two people want the same? In that sense people can be as selfish as they like in who they are prepared to share with. No one is an island but you can chose who you want to be shipwrecked with and not be shamed for it. No irony at all. And your first paragraph is not even close to what I said, which was far more about mutuality and sharing; that give and take of human experience being a two way process. That in essence to want without being prepared to give isnt such a great way to live. On fab or elsewhere. It's true you can only share anything with any other if they wish to share the same experience, life, fantasy or anything. Really not quite sure how any of that relates to "shaming" another though...." Nevermind. One day what you say and what you do might match up. | |||
"I think we have different needs at different times in our lives. So no, as long as everyone who needs to know knows, it’s not selfish. I'm not necessarily saying it's a bad thing, but what you've just described is a very individualist motive. Everyone involved is aware of the situation, so no hurt feelings, however, everyone is looking for their own gain and what they want from it, hence; selfish. " There's nothing wrong with being selfish though is there? People who spend their lives pleasing everyone else at the expense of themselves are not happy people, and that is a sad waste of a short life. If you find someone whose selfishness fits with your selfishness and it doesn't hurt anyone else in the process, then all I see is happy people living their best life | |||
