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Social dilemma ?!?!?!,!%*$*
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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You've been chatting to someone and got on well. You arrange a social but make it clear it's only a social and won't turn into anything else.
The day before, they say they've booked a hotel 'just in case'.
What do you do? |
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I would cancel and tell him why you are cancelling. I had a meet that I stressed was purely social and several times during the meet he asked if we could go to Quest and I felt uncomfortable saying no repeatedly. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You've been chatting to someone and got on well. You arrange a social but make it clear it's only a social and won't turn into anything else.
The day before, they say they've booked a hotel 'just in case'.
What do you do?"
But the just in case would to me make me think he does not respect its a social |
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Ok devils advocate here....
Could he have booked the hotel because he has to travel to you from another town ?
If so, it could just be a simple I don’t need to worry about what time train I’m getting and stop the social because I need to dash for transport home
If not, give him a slap for doing it in the first place, a social is a social  |
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By *stellaWoman
over a year ago
London |
"You've been chatting to someone and got on well. You arrange a social but make it clear it's only a social and won't turn into anything else.
The day before, they say they've booked a hotel 'just in case'.
What do you do?"
I would ask them why. |
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"You've been chatting to someone and got on well. You arrange a social but make it clear it's only a social and won't turn into anything else.
The day before, they say they've booked a hotel 'just in case'.
What do you do?"
Beware. Look what happened to this guy!!!!!
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/lounge/378653
|
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
The "just in case" would concern me if it had been made clear that it was only ever going to be a social with absolutely no chance of anything else.
I've booked rooms "just in case" before now but only ever having discussed it and agreed with the other person we would do so, making it clear that if we decided not to use it together that the room was hers for the night and I would come home.
To have booked it without checking first, and presuming there was no distance factor involved that meant it made sense for him to do so (in which case there was no need to tell you) then it's incredibly presumptuous at best and quite scary at worst.
As for what you do, I guess it depends on how invested in him you are - if you like him and have a good enough connection with him then perhaps just make it clear it *will* only ever be a social and that there will be no "just in case", otherwise I'd cancel the social and be done with it. |
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We were chatting to a guy who started from a point of being interested in friendship only, his suggestion not ours. We agreed to meet for coffee he then made it clear that he wanted that to be at his home and he was investigating buying bdsm equipment for us all to use  . |
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"The "just in case" would concern me if it had been made clear that it was only ever going to be a social with absolutely no chance of anything else.
I've booked rooms "just in case" before now but only ever having discussed it and agreed with the other person we would do so, making it clear that if we decided not to use it together that the room was hers for the night and I would come home.
To have booked it without checking first, and presuming there was no distance factor involved that meant it made sense for him to do so (in which case there was no need to tell you) then it's incredibly presumptuous at best and quite scary at worst.
As for what you do, I guess it depends on how invested in him you are - if you like him and have a good enough connection with him then perhaps just make it clear it *will* only ever be a social and that there will be no "just in case", otherwise I'd cancel the social and be done with it."
Quite. I've had several instances of "let's meet for a social" turning into the guy telling me that I wouldn't be able to resist him. Every one of those, after a few reiterations of my boundaries I ended up blocking. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Depends who with
If its one girl we can say social till were blue in the face but will power is fickle sometimes
As evidenced"
Yeah I know that feeling.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Not a good sign of there understanding of the word 'NO'.
Their being disrespectful at best and sound likely to be manipulative. Postpone at least."
I think this too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I would tell them yet again that I only do socials first and there is no chance that I will be joining them in that room. I've had it before where a guy has said well I have planned it all now. My response was well I told you from the start and it put me off meeting him again after the social. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Ok devils advocate here....
Could he have booked the hotel because he has to travel to you from another town ?
If so, it could just be a simple I don’t need to worry about what time train I’m getting and stop the social because I need to dash for transport home
If not, give him a slap for doing it in the first place, a social is a social "
Good point. 
I think the 'just in case' comment would put me off anyway. Unless he meant he might have too much to drink and need to stay over. |
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"I would tell them yet again that I only do socials first and there is no chance that I will be joining them in that room. I've had it before where a guy has said well I have planned it all now. My response was well I told you from the start and it put me off meeting him again after the social. "
Indeed. If you've planned something I said I wasn't going to do, then aren't you stupid. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You've been chatting to someone and got on well. You arrange a social but make it clear it's only a social and won't turn into anything else.
The day before, they say they've booked a hotel 'just in case'.
What do you do?
Beware. Look what happened to this guy!!!!!
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/lounge/378653
"
You are the thread finder king!!  I wonder who that was. Now I understand why so many men wear Crocs to socials. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We were chatting to a guy who started from a point of being interested in friendship only, his suggestion not ours. We agreed to meet for coffee he then made it clear that he wanted that to be at his home and he was investigating buying bdsm equipment for us all to use . "
Did you buy a wedding dress 'just in case'? |
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"Ok devils advocate here....
Could he have booked the hotel because he has to travel to you from another town ?
If so, it could just be a simple I don’t need to worry about what time train I’m getting and stop the social because I need to dash for transport home
If not, give him a slap for doing it in the first place, a social is a social
Good point.
I think the 'just in case' comment would put me off anyway. Unless he meant he might have too much to drink and need to stay over. "
Precisely that... it could just be an innocent comment, but you won’t know unless you ask  hope it works out for you |
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"Make sure they understand what a social is by telling them and blocking them after. "
Oh lord I have. Although I tell people that my socials are social only no play no exceptions from the outset. It should be clear. It's wilful ignorance most of the time. |
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"You've been chatting to someone and got on well. You arrange a social but make it clear it's only a social and won't turn into anything else.
The day before, they say they've booked a hotel 'just in case'.
What do you do?"
This is a red flag for boundary crossing and also being really presumptuous or manipulative.
If you still want to meet (which I would not) then make it clear that he will be enjoying that hotel room alone. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I wouldn't mind them booking a hotel if they have to travel etc but if sex is implied by the "just in case" then I'd probably cancel. I agree with the comment about it adding pressure. |
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I'd say Oh good planning.
I'd go...... socialise and leave after a great time.
BUT...... if I wanted to fuck them i'd say ... Good job you thought ahead
Those saying that psychological pressure is on ....... allow that.
You are in control in broad daylight after all.
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Awful isn't it when someone does that??! When you've been more than clear that it's purely social and will never be anything else, and they say something like that and your stomach drops.... Or worse, when you do meet them for the social and they keep swooping in for a snog  I've bopped my head off more tables, walls, doors trying to duck unwanted snogs than I can remember (could be concussion-related  )!! |
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"We were chatting to a guy who started from a point of being interested in friendship only, his suggestion not ours. We agreed to meet for coffee he then made it clear that he wanted that to be at his home and he was investigating buying bdsm equipment for us all to use .
Did you buy a wedding dress 'just in case'?"
That would be a great response to the hotel room booked "just incase"!
"Fab! I'll bring the wedding dress I have already & tell Mum to buy a hat. Just incase!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We were chatting to a guy who started from a point of being interested in friendship only, his suggestion not ours. We agreed to meet for coffee he then made it clear that he wanted that to be at his home and he was investigating buying bdsm equipment for us all to use .
Did you buy a wedding dress 'just in case'?
That would be a great response to the hotel room booked "just incase"!
"Fab! I'll bring the wedding dress I have already & tell Mum to buy a hat. Just incase!" "
I was going to say this!
Or tell him..I'm bringing my can of pepper spray.. just in case! |
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If it was a single man it would absolutely be a deal-breaker. We rather find someone less pushy as there are a lot of men to choose from.
If it was a woman or a couple, it would depend a lot on how good the rapport was. It is possible that we are travelling a long way but opportunities are limited. If the vibes are there, we'd take it on a case-by-case basis. |
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"I'd say Oh good planning.
I'd go...... socialise and leave after a great time.
BUT...... if I wanted to fuck them i'd say ... Good job you thought ahead
Those saying that psychological pressure is on ....... allow that.
You are in control in broad daylight after all.
"
Yes, but I don't want to spend a social shrugging off or dodging a guy who thinks he's getting some and so is trying to curtail the social to get his dick wet.
I go to socials to talk, not get felt up.
Also, I don't want to deal with the anger when (when, not if, when) I tell him I won't be fucking him that day. Because I won't. Because I don't. |
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I'd like to see it pan out like this .....
Woman meets man who has booked a hotel 'just in case' ....... woman thinks... ooooooo I fancy him. Man thinks ..... not a chance in hell. They have a lovely social and he has a nice hotel room and a lucky escape.... |
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"I'd like to see it pan out like this .....
Woman meets man who has booked a hotel 'just in case' ....... woman thinks... ooooooo I fancy him. Man thinks ..... not a chance in hell. They have a lovely social and he has a nice hotel room and a lucky escape.... "
It may do. I just consider from my own perspective. |
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"I'd like to see it pan out like this .....
Woman meets man who has booked a hotel 'just in case' ....... woman thinks... ooooooo I fancy him. Man thinks ..... not a chance in hell. They have a lovely social and he has a nice hotel room and a lucky escape....
It may do. I just consider from my own perspective. "
Quite right. We can't play other people's games. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We were chatting to a guy who started from a point of being interested in friendship only, his suggestion not ours. We agreed to meet for coffee he then made it clear that he wanted that to be at his home and he was investigating buying bdsm equipment for us all to use .
Did you buy a wedding dress 'just in case'?
That would be a great response to the hotel room booked "just incase"!
"Fab! I'll bring the wedding dress I have already & tell Mum to buy a hat. Just incase!" "
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'd like to see it pan out like this .....
Woman meets man who has booked a hotel 'just in case' ....... woman thinks... ooooooo I fancy him. Man thinks ..... not a chance in hell. They have a lovely social and he has a nice hotel room and a lucky escape.... "
My socials are like that. |
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"You've been chatting to someone and got on well. You arrange a social but make it clear it's only a social and won't turn into anything else.
The day before, they say they've booked a hotel 'just in case'.
What do you do?
Beware. Look what happened to this guy!!!!!
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/lounge/378653
You are the thread finder king!!
I wonder who that was. Now I understand why so many men wear Crocs to socials. "
I only wear flip flops to meets now. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Playing devils advocate to those saying it could be just in case he had too much to drink, or some other innocent reason, if he understood it was just a social, he'd have said "just in case I have too much to drink/miss my last train etc" rather than leave it dangling like he did with an inference of something else completely? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"You've been chatting to someone and got on well. You arrange a social but make it clear it's only a social and won't turn into anything else.
The day before, they say they've booked a hotel 'just in case'.
What do you do?
Beware. Look what happened to this guy!!!!!
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/lounge/378653
You are the thread finder king!!
I wonder who that was. Now I understand why so many men wear Crocs to socials.
I only wear flip flops to meets now. "
That link proper made me laugh, thank you.
Hopalong |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Playing devils advocate to those saying it could be just in case he had too much to drink, or some other innocent reason, if he understood it was just a social, he'd have said "just in case I have too much to drink/miss my last train etc" rather than leave it dangling like he did with an inference of something else completely?"
I think that too. I'd wait and see if he clarified but if there was any doubt I wouldn't meet. |
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"You've been chatting to someone and got on well. You arrange a social but make it clear it's only a social and won't turn into anything else.
The day before, they say they've booked a hotel 'just in case'.
What do you do?
Beware. Look what happened to this guy!!!!!
https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/lounge/378653
You are the thread finder king!!
I wonder who that was. Now I understand why so many men wear Crocs to socials.
I only wear flip flops to meets now.
That link proper made me laugh, thank you.
Hopalong"
My work here is done.
|
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"You've been chatting to someone and got on well. You arrange a social but make it clear it's only a social and won't turn into anything else.
The day before, they say they've booked a hotel 'just in case'.
What do you do?"
Cancel as I don't meet in hotels ever, and that would have been made clear prior to the social. |
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"Playing devils advocate to those saying it could be just in case he had too much to drink, or some other innocent reason, if he understood it was just a social, he'd have said "just in case I have too much to drink/miss my last train etc" rather than leave it dangling like he did with an inference of something else completely?"
Maybe Mr GM but not all are so eloquent and clear with their words, and are not always clear with their intentions in writing. Doesn’t hurt to ask the question to clarify the meaning.
I’d rather this than you pass someone by due to a misunderstanding in a message that could quite easily have another meaning than how it has been read. |
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To be honest, if I was you I would go to meet him but arrange for someone else you have met before to turn up 20 minutes after. When the original guy asks why the other fella has turned up I would say "Just in case" and then walk out with the other fella...
..but that's because I am nasty. |
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"BTW........ Are you ALL seriously saying that when you have a 1 on 1 SOCIAL meet that at least ONE of the two of you isn't hoping that sex will happen .....
pullease "
Granny, I met potential play mates during my lunch hour for a social. Sometimes it'd be after work near the station so I could hop on the train home.
Social was just that. |
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"To be honest, if I was you I would go to meet him but arrange for someone else you have met before to turn up 20 minutes after. When the original guy asks why the other fella has turned up I would say "Just in case" and then walk out with the other fella...
..but that's because I am nasty."
Life is too short for game playing...but each to their own. |
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"BTW........ Are you ALL seriously saying that when you have a 1 on 1 SOCIAL meet that at least ONE of the two of you isn't hoping that sex will happen .....
pullease
Granny, I met potential play mates during my lunch hour for a social. Sometimes it'd be after work near the station so I could hop on the train home.
Social was just that. "
Fnarrrrrrrr you are not the ONLY one at the meet. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'd ask for clarification without showing my hand.
If it's in case you couldn't resist him, I'd cancel and probably cease contact. "
This
Although hopefully its incase he has to much to drink or something similar. |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"Playing devils advocate to those saying it could be just in case he had too much to drink, or some other innocent reason, if he understood it was just a social, he'd have said "just in case I have too much to drink/miss my last train etc" rather than leave it dangling like he did with an inference of something else completely?
Maybe Mr GM but not all are so eloquent and clear with their words, and are not always clear with their intentions in writing. Doesn’t hurt to ask the question to clarify the meaning.
I’d rather this than you pass someone by due to a misunderstanding in a message that could quite easily have another meaning than how it has been read. "
Ah Ms SC (being as we're going formal ) I wasn't suggesting there was anything wrong in clarifying - like I said just playing devils advocate  |
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"BTW........ Are you ALL seriously saying that when you have a 1 on 1 SOCIAL meet that at least ONE of the two of you isn't hoping that sex will happen .....
pullease
Granny, I met potential play mates during my lunch hour for a social. Sometimes it'd be after work near the station so I could hop on the train home.
Social was just that.
Fnarrrrrrrr you are not the ONLY one at the meet. "
I’m sure any red blooded man would love to carry on a social with sex, especially if you are talking about naughty things, women kinda like the planning etc but I’m sure a few will still be up for it with the right bloke too |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You've been chatting to someone and got on well. You arrange a social but make it clear it's only a social and won't turn into anything else.
The day before, they say they've booked a hotel 'just in case'.
What do you do?"
Wish them well in their stayover, but make it perfectly obvious that I wouldn't be joining them |
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By *JohnMan
over a year ago
Newcastle upon Tyne |
"It depends". You've been talking with this person enough to get some idea of their character. If they otherwise seem like a good thing, suitably respectful, and this is the only negative, then I'd remind them it's only a social, go, and be prepared to leave if they get too pushy.
A lot of people are happy to let a social turn into more, and in those cases it's good to be prepared.
But if they've already shown enough disrespect for your boundaries, then this could certainly be enough to end it.
So much depends on what has happened before this point. Trust your gut. Both options are reasonable, neither makes you a bad person. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You've been chatting to someone and got on well. You arrange a social but make it clear it's only a social and won't turn into anything else.
The day before, they say they've booked a hotel 'just in case'.
What do you do?"
Have you been eavesdropping on my conversations? Lol
Something similar happened to me recently...i told him it was only ever going to be a social as i didnt fancy him but i still enjoyed chatting... he then decided to block me |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The "just in case" would concern me if it had been made clear that it was only ever going to be a social with absolutely no chance of anything else.
I've booked rooms "just in case" before now but only ever having discussed it and agreed with the other person we would do so, making it clear that if we decided not to use it together that the room was hers for the night and I would come home.
To have booked it without checking first, and presuming there was no distance factor involved that meant it made sense for him to do so (in which case there was no need to tell you) then it's incredibly presumptuous at best and quite scary at worst.
As for what you do, I guess it depends on how invested in him you are - if you like him and have a good enough connection with him then perhaps just make it clear it *will* only ever be a social and that there will be no "just in case", otherwise I'd cancel the social and be done with it.
Quite. I've had several instances of "let's meet for a social" turning into the guy telling me that I wouldn't be able to resist him. Every one of those, after a few reiterations of my boundaries I ended up blocking. "
Ha Ive had a few of those too. They usually blow themselves up over messages before too long |
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We’ve just been discussing this and agree with the majority-cancel on this person who doesn’t appear to understand it’s only a social’. Preferably cancel at the last minute and then block him. Doesn’t sound like the sort of person to waste your time or risk your well being on! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"To be honest, if I was you I would go to meet him but arrange for someone else you have met before to turn up 20 minutes after. When the original guy asks why the other fella has turned up I would say "Just in case" and then walk out with the other fella...
..but that's because I am nasty."
Oooooh |
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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago
Northampton Somewhere |
Cringe ~ a lot. If I really thought we would get on I wouldn't cancel but I'd still made sure he knew it was unlikely that I'd go to the hotel with him.
If went ahead with the social I'd be really careful about leaving my drink with him or him going to the bar alone to. But that's just how my mind works! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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And this is the reason I won’t meet guys for a social to be honest. Almost everyone I have spoken too (apart from about two) haven’t seem to understand it’s just a social and nothing more, always leading it on to something else and I’m not comfortable with it.
If your gut is saying cancel, i’d cancel it.
Danish x |
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"Cringe ~ a lot. If I really thought we would get on I wouldn't cancel but I'd still made sure he knew it was unlikely that I'd go to the hotel with him.
If went ahead with the social I'd be really careful about leaving my drink with him or him going to the bar alone to. But that's just how my mind works!"
A sensible approach for any meet |
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By *sGivesWoodWoman
over a year ago
ST. AUSTELL, CORNWALL |
I would go, but make it clear its a social in a public place only. If they tried to persuade me otherwise before, I would cancel. If they tried to persuade me during the social I would walk instantly. Their loss for assuming I would go along with it, not mine. |
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By *inful xWoman
over a year ago
In a sleepy little village |
"You've been chatting to someone and got on well. You arrange a social but make it clear it's only a social and won't turn into anything else.
The day before, they say they've booked a hotel 'just in case'.
What do you do?"
I'd block them as they clearly haven't listened |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Cringe ~ a lot. If I really thought we would get on I wouldn't cancel but I'd still made sure he knew it was unlikely that I'd go to the hotel with him.
If went ahead with the social I'd be really careful about leaving my drink with him or him going to the bar alone to. But that's just how my mind works!"
Really good point about the drink! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We had something similar, many years ago.
Agreed to meet a guy, purely for drinks and assess the mood.
The morning of the intended meet, he wrote to us, asking if we could change venue, as he was in a local hotel overnight.
Biggest laugh is, he was local...as in a short walk from our intended venue!
Told him to do one, blacked him, never heard from him again.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You can tell them to ‘just in case’ by themselves.
You need to be careful and be wary that you don’t get pressured in to having a meet which is much more than a social.
Make sure you stand your ground and don’t let them guilt you in to thinking you should go back to their hotel or to have a social there instead.
If he/she is making you uncomfortable already, you need to consider whether you will truly enjoy the meet.
Otherwise, you can always take a detour and come to London instead lol
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""It depends". You've been talking with this person enough to get some idea of their character. If they otherwise seem like a good thing, suitably respectful, and this is the only negative, then I'd remind them it's only a social, go, and be prepared to leave if they get too pushy.
A lot of people are happy to let a social turn into more, and in those cases it's good to be prepared.
But if they've already shown enough disrespect for your boundaries, then this could certainly be enough to end it.
So much depends on what has happened before this point. Trust your gut. Both options are reasonable, neither makes you a bad person."
this for me |
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"Cringe ~ a lot. If I really thought we would get on I wouldn't cancel but I'd still made sure he knew it was unlikely that I'd go to the hotel with him.
If went ahead with the social I'd be really careful about leaving my drink with him or him going to the bar alone to. But that's just how my mind works!"
This |
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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago
Newcastle upon Tyne |
Reminds us of a couple we met a few years ago. We explained that when meeting for the first time it was always social first and if we all clicked then we would be happy to arrange a second play meeting.
Social went well but at the end of the night the husband of the couple kept asking if we wanted to return to theirs. Mrs said quite firmly that as agreed it was a social only at which point he got up and walked off, leaving his wife flustered and apologising. We walked her back to their car reassuring her it was not her fault and left.
Needless to say we never met them again. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You've been chatting to someone and got on well. You arrange a social but make it clear it's only a social and won't turn into anything else.
The day before, they say they've booked a hotel 'just in case'.
What do you do?"
Maybe you need to be more clear with them and respect their boundaries? Ofcourse if you back out from the date its shows more about you......oh the irony |
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"BTW........ Are you ALL seriously saying that when you have a 1 on 1 SOCIAL meet that at least ONE of the two of you isn't hoping that sex will happen .....
pullease
Granny, I met potential play mates during my lunch hour for a social. Sometimes it'd be after work near the station so I could hop on the train home.
Social was just that.
Fnarrrrrrrr you are not the ONLY one at the meet. "
I'm the only one that matters. |
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"BTW........ Are you ALL seriously saying that when you have a 1 on 1 SOCIAL meet that at least ONE of the two of you isn't hoping that sex will happen .....
pullease
Granny, I met potential play mates during my lunch hour for a social. Sometimes it'd be after work near the station so I could hop on the train home.
Social was just that.
Fnarrrrrrrr you are not the ONLY one at the meet.
I'm the only one that matters. "
Correct. |
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"Reminds us of a couple we met a few years ago. We explained that when meeting for the first time it was always social first and if we all clicked then we would be happy to arrange a second play meeting.
Social went well but at the end of the night the husband of the couple kept asking if we wanted to return to theirs. Mrs said quite firmly that as agreed it was a social only at which point he got up and walked off, leaving his wife flustered and apologising. We walked her back to their car reassuring her it was not her fault and left.
Needless to say we never met them again."
Never an excuse for bad manners. |
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