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Any good jokes to cheer me up
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man is walking through town one day when he see an auction so he goes in. In the auction he spots this massive beautiful dog that he falls in love with. He thinks that he can't just buy the dog without checking with the wife first so he goes home and tells her all about it. His wife says that if he likes the dog that much and if it hasn't been bought yet he can bid on it tomorrow. First thing the next day the man goes to the auction and is relieved that the big dog is still there and he bids on the dog and gets it. When he goes to pick up the dog it runs over all happy and lucks his face. The man takes the dog home and shows it to his wife and seems happy. Later that night he is looking at the dog closely and when he looks it dead in the eyes his face drops. His wife asks what's wrong and he says that the dog is cross-eyed and that it's disheartening as it takes the good look off the lovely dog. His wife suggests they see if the vet can do anything so the man makes and appointment and off they go to see the vet. The vet asks what the problem is and the man explains so the vet says "let me take a look" and he lifts the dog up and looks it in the eyes for a second and his face drops too. He says "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put the dog down". The man is aghast, "Why?" he asks.
"Because he's really heavy" says the vet  |
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I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was... "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that, etc. etc.' It eventually became very annoying.
I am from Niagara Falls and I thought I could outdo him by showing him the "Magnificent Niagara", knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this "Wonder of Water and Power".
While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes.
It was then I asked him, "Do you have anything like this in Texas?"
He waited a moment before he answered, "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bloke walks past a bakery window, sees a sign
Pies £1.50
Pasties £1.00
Sausage Rolls 80p
Wanks £5.00
He goes into the shop and there at the counter is huge big breasted Blonde stunner.
Are you the lady who gives the wanks for a fiver. Yes she replies.
Well go and wash your hands please and i'll take 2 pasties  |
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"What's brown and sticky?...
Ah it's a classic  "
I heard this when I was at school and told it to my mate who was a bit if a boffin.
I said "What's brown and sticky?"
He said "I don't know."
I said "A stick," and waited for some laughter.
Instead he looked puzzled, paused, and eventually said "That doesn't make sense. I think you mean 'What's brown and stick-like?'" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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3 cowboys are sitting around a camp fire telling stories of bravado. The first says, "I was out on the trail the other week when I was set upon by 4 apache Indians riding horses and waving tamahawks. I killed 2 with my Winchester before drawing my sword and deathly cutting one of the others before they fled." The second cowboy looks impressed but tells his own tail. He says,"Just last week I was set upon by a whole tribe of apaches and I didn't have a rifle. I killed 4 with my boot knife, killed another 2 with my bare hands and then chased the rest off." The first 2 cowboys look at each other suitably impressed and then turn to look at the third to hear his story. The third cowboy says nothing, he just sits there silently, stoking the coals of the fire with his penis. |
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What cheese can you use to hide a small horse? Mascarpone!
What cheese can you use to persuade a bear to leave his cave? Camembert!
There was a fire at a French cheese factory last. There was debris everywhere! |
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"3 cowboys are sitting around a camp fire telling stories of bravado. The first says, "I was out on the trail the other week when I was set upon by 4 apache Indians riding horses and waving tamahawks. I killed 2 with my Winchester before drawing my sword and deathly cutting one of the others before they fled." The second cowboy looks impressed but tells his own tail. He says,"Just last week I was set upon by a whole tribe of apaches and I didn't have a rifle. I killed 4 with my boot knife, killed another 2 with my bare hands and then chased the rest off." The first 2 cowboys look at each other suitably impressed and then turn to look at the third to hear his story. The third cowboy says nothing, he just sits there silently, stoking the coals of the fire with his penis. "
Following on with a Western theme
The lone ranger and tonto are riding across the prairies when to their right 500 souix appear then on their left there's 500 cheyanne but they keep on plodding along then they look behind them and see 500 apache.... The lone ranger turns to tonto and says "looks like we're in a spot of bother tonto " tonto replies "what do you mean we... Pale face" |
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A guy visits a whore and says he want to fuck her with his big toe. She says
"Never been asked that before, but you're paying, so OK".
A month or so later a couple of Doctors were chatting over a coffee. One said
"Do you know, I had a patient in recently with a syphilitic toe. That's a first for me!"
The other one said
"I had an unusual case that I'd never seen recently, too. A woman came in with a vaginal itch and I diagnosed athletes' cunt!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Three nuns at the pearly gates where St Peter standing by a holy font says "you've your heavenly reward but I must ask you this, have you ever been near a man's penis?"
The first nun nervously steps forward and says yes I touched one when I was younger. Peter tells her to wash her hand in the font and go on through the pearly gates.
The second nun nervously steps forward blushing whereupon the third barges her out of the way saying "if you think I'm gargling that water after she's stuck her arse in it you've got another thing coming" |
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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shudder violently. Are you OK?”
“I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. “I have never heard of that condition before” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?”
The woman smiled, “Ground pepper.” |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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1917, Russia, and the first clandestine meeting of the Bolshevik Workers Party..
A knock at the door and someone looked round, and in a hushed voice said ... "Would someone let Len-in..." |
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"A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking ever more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shudder violently. Are you OK?”
“I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. “I have never heard of that condition before” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?”
The woman smiled, “Ground pepper.”"
Brilliant! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Chinese customer conversation with call centre
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to "ANYONE". You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are "SOMEONE" and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan (Dad) is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if "NO ONE" was injured and "NO ONE" was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be "SORRY". Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree! |
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"3 cowboys are sitting around a camp fire telling stories of bravado. The first says, "I was out on the trail the other week when I was set upon by 4 apache Indians riding horses and waving tamahawks. I killed 2 with my Winchester before drawing my sword and deathly cutting one of the others before they fled." The second cowboy looks impressed but tells his own tail. He says,"Just last week I was set upon by a whole tribe of apaches and I didn't have a rifle. I killed 4 with my boot knife, killed another 2 with my bare hands and then chased the rest off." The first 2 cowboys look at each other suitably impressed and then turn to look at the third to hear his story. The third cowboy says nothing, he just sits there silently, stoking the coals of the fire with his penis.
Following on with a Western theme
The lone ranger and tonto are riding across the prairies when to their right 500 souix appear then on their left there's 500 cheyanne but they keep on plodding along then they look behind them and see 500 apache.... The lone ranger turns to tonto and says "looks like we're in a spot of bother tonto " tonto replies "what do you mean we... Pale face" "
And to continue ... Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through the desert, they stop, Tonto jumps off his horse and places his ear to the ground. After a time listening he looks up and says "Buffalo come"
"You can hear and feel the
vibrations of their hooves?" The Lone Ranger asks
Tonto replies "No, ear sticky" |
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Tom confronts his girlfriend. ‘Who were you talking to on the phone? Is there somebody else?’ ‘Of course not,’ replies his girlfriend. ‘Do you think I’d be hanging out with a loser like you if there was somebody else?’ |
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