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Serious discussion about Love and marriage..
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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No wind up here. I wanted to talk about what Love means to people. We've had the threads about marrieds cheating etc and the reaction seems to be in one of two camps:
1) the man/woman cheating is a bastard and should be shot
2) work the problem out by talking and being honest - and then be shot.
Nobody in their right mind is going to sit their spouse down and say, "listen honey, I need some sex so I thought it best to let you know I'll be cheating on Friday night, btw ...what's for tea tonight sweetness?"
It just doesn't happen like that in the real world, so why do people do what they do when things at home have gone awry?
For some, I think seeking an avenue outside of the marriage to get what one feels should be within the marriage alleviates the impact of actually addressing the root problem. Some people love their spouse and don't want to lose his or her but for one reason or another they percieve them not to be the same person in terms of intimacy that they were earlier on in the relationship. That doesn't mean they love them any less, just that they wish they were who they used to be.
For others there is a financial penalty of breaking up a relationship, and many people - both men and women - would prefer a clandestine arrangment with a lover than make the break and lose a huge part of what they've worked hard to achieve (the legalities of who owns what in a marriage break up and who has contributed to the marriage during it's course I'll set aside for the moment).
I'm deliberately steering clear of including relationships where one partner is physically unable to provide sex, as I am not including those who have a tacit agreement in place but the other half "doesn't want to know the details."
I'm most suredly not on the side of those who condemn it as the ultimate deal breaker under any circumstances when there is such a huge grey area between black and white. I do feel that each person has an unalienable right to the truth to enable them to make their own subsequent decisions, and any decision that is made when the underlying factors are based on lies is not making the correct decision.
So where does Love fit into all this?
I believe it is possible to love someone and not be faithful to them, possibly for the reasons outlined above but there are many more reasons not listed here as to why people seek affection outside of the relationship they are in. For example, I know for sure that I would be able to remain with Siren if she said, "Listen Wishy, I'm just not interested in sex anymore but I don't want to lose you as a husband and father to our kids so I'm quite happy for you to find a friend with benefits," that that's exactly what I'd do, but as Soapy so eloquently posted above, I wouldn't brag about on here, I wouldn't say I was married on my profile, and I'd only divulge the information if directly asked.
p.s. our marriage is fine, she's just waiting for her body to settle back into some sort of normality.  |
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Its the bragging about it that gets me more than them doing it, ok, if your going to do it do it quietly but there is no need to rub your partners nose in it.
Whoever ive been in a "proper" relationship with i have always made it clear that if for whatever reason i can no longer have sex they have my blessing to seek it elsewhere. |
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in my own personal opinion yes, you ca love someone and not be faithful, but you cant be IN love with them, however, you can be IN love with somone so much you are happy to let them do what they need to for them to be happy to be aorund, if that makes sense.
taking your own post as is, te example at the end. now, if mr wishy were to just decide to go and find what isnt being privided at home, then i would question the depth of love for mrs siren. now, i wouldnt for one second imagine there wasnt love there, and far from it, but we all know there are different grades/levels and feelings of love. over time, unless both parties are happy to work at it, a relationship can lapse into a more sibling love feeling rather than the remapant horn love you get.
however, i would say siren would be IN love with you as she knows she cannot provide what you are looking for, and is happy to let you go elsewhere to get it just so long as you remain in her life.
thats what i get from it anyway, and please feel free to disagree. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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sorry if i am wide of the mark with this response
am being lazy and didn't read the whole OP 
for me, emotional betrayal is far more of an issue than a physical exchange.
the idea of a partner having sex with someone else is not an issue to me.
the idea of a partner forming emotional bonds (that don't include me) with a sexual partner is an issue.
i am in a position with my OH that is built on trust.
my OH is not interested in a swinging lifestyle yet because of my own sexuality recognises that i have desires that she cannot satisfy.
we have boundaries in place and i take care not to cross them, as does she.
i am in a privileged position in that i 'told all' and managed to still come out the other side with a functioning relationship.
that doesn't mean to say that it was easily resolved issue, but we did work through it.
many men in my position would not be so lucky and i think the fear of losing what they have pushes them to be physically unfaithful.
i don't want anything from my meets other than to enjoy ourselves when we are toghether.
once the door shuts behond one of us, then either that is it, or that is it until we meet next time.
i am not sure that everyone has the capability to do that, but i wouldn't judge them for not having the ability.
i am sure some would _iew what i do as adulterous and unfair, but to those that do, i can only say that 'it works for us'
i am not condoning adultery in the form of sneaking round behind partners backs and sleeping with other people just 'because', but we all have reasons, some more legitimate than others, and i wouldn't judge or jump all over someone because their moral compass is set to a different direction than mine. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Someone i used to see told me he was married, he said if he didnt tell me, he would have felt guilty, i dont see why though as his wife had given him permision to see other women. I know he loved his wife by the way he talked about her, not that i was interested. Some men have a higher sex drive, or they want to try things that their partners wont. I found him to be a really nice person, not the sort to brag about it, or anything else. My hubbys a lot older than me, when i meet someone he asks me was he any good, and when i say it was good he is pleased. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was thinking of posting something like this yesterday.
We would never play with a married guy or girl, but that's a choice we make as our conscience would kick in and spoil the fun. Not to mention the risk of a screamer at the door. that's a choice we have made, and everyone else must make choices for themselves.
But... I do feel for those who do not have the kind of relationship where they can be totally themselves and be honest with the one they love. It must be such an excruciatingly difficult position to be in. And all too common.
I thank god every day that we were totally honest with each other from the outset. that we can be ourselves and more importantly allow each other to be themselves. But I couldn't imagine having that kind of relationship with anyone I had dated in the past... Would I have cheated if i had married someone else that I felt I couldn't be honest with.... probably. I'm just glad I don't have to. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I usually avoid this subject like the plague.
5 years ago I discovered that my partner of 12 years was 'cheating' I can't even describe how that felt, I thought my life was over, I couldn't imagine how I could function without him.
But... I do see how it happened, I understand why he did it and cannot in all honesty blame him 100% for it happening.
I try not to judge everyone on why they cheat, but I can avoid playing a part in causing another person the same pain I went through.
If I knew in advance that somebody was married/attached I would not play with them, but I wouldn't be aggressive towards them either. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I usually avoid this subject like the plague.
5 years ago I discovered that my partner of 12 years was 'cheating' I can't even describe how that felt, I thought my life was over, I couldn't imagine how I could function without him.
But... I do see how it happened, I understand why he did it and cannot in all honesty blame him 100% for it happening.
I try not to judge everyone on why they cheat, but I can avoid playing a part in causing another person the same pain I went through.
If I knew in advance that somebody was married/attached I would not play with them, but I wouldn't be aggressive towards them either."
 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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""If I knew in advance that somebody was married/attached I would not play with them, but I wouldn't be aggressive towards them either."
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This sentence is the reason I started this thread. I wish others would adopt this approach rather than launch into a tirade of abuse against people that cheat. So many people on here declare war on married cheats that they'd probably string him up but his nuts if they could get hold of him. There seems to be such vitriol towards married men who cheat but when it's women doing it it seems to be excused or, at the very least, glossed over. |
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When I was married (and not a swinger)our sex life dwindled to non existant. So one day I had a purely objective, rational, non emotional converstaion with my wife and asked her if sex was important to our relationship. She thought about it for aproximately 3 nano seconds and said 'no, not really', so I said on that basis it wouldn't matter if I got it somewhere else then. She then changed her mind and said that it was important, so I asked her why we do we not have it any more then. - She took me upstairs and shagged me senseless!!!
PS: We are now divorced! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"... but when it's women doing it it seems to be excused or, at the very least, glossed over."
I'm not sure you are right about this, isn't it just a case of more men post openly on the threads? therefore leave themselves more open to peoples oppinions.
When women do post about such things they do get the same response, you just don't see them post about it so often. |
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