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The Dukes guide on how to protect local wildlife.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Now that half the year has gone, the majority of swingers will be feeling disappointed and disheartened. It is tradition for most delusional Fab members to set new year's resolutions in the vain hope a couple of badly written bullet point notes on a napkin will improve their confidence and self worth. June has arrived, and with it, the return of all your sloppy routines and unsettling habits. Perhaps January was a positive month for you, working out daily like The Duke, eating clean and watching over your cleaning team as they maintained the 5 star level of cleanliness in your home. Unfortunately, after a detailed investigation, The Duke can reveal all this early promise has long crumbled to ruin. The positive mindfulness and improved physical wellbeing has been replaced with sloppy dilapidated and depraved sights of terror.
Across the United Kingdom, flabby feral gutter skanks submerge their vastly bloated bodies in blown up paddling pools. They float, feeling safe in badly maintained back yards, no doubt contemplating how quickly the year has turned into a upsetting tragedy. Instead of sucking on The Duke's mighty meat stick, these talentless tarts would rather lick a cheap ice lolly, tears streaming down chubby faces as they do so. At one dwelling, The Duke was certain a sinful slut had soiled the paddling pool as a thick brown stain contaminated the already dirty water. Only after closer inspection was The Duke able to discover the offending sight was actually a melted chocolate bar which the stranded whale had dropped after falling asleep in her pool of filth.
Whist such despicable behaviour might be standard at the Spice Girls reunion concerts, The Duke and other world class swinging males will not stand for such offensive eyesores. As a merciful Duke, it is not expected of you to maintain the Godly standards he himself successfully enjoys, however, after this startling investigation, your efforts of improvement must be doubled. No longer will you wallow in your junk food and self pity as your stinking sun burnt skin offends local wildlife. Instead, each morning you will wake up after a minim of 8 hours sleep, feeling refreshed and positive, ready to take on the day and once again begin your journey that will eventually lead you to kneeling before The Duke.
Duke has spoken.
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