FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > family or girl

family or girl

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

dear all,

All my life i have done what my family, taken my parents where ever they have wanted to go and lent them money when ever they have needed.

I have recently met the girl of my dreams who makes me happy in every way. I love my parents and am happy for all the sacrifices that they have mad for me but never been extremly happy living at home.

I've told my parents about the girl ive met and how serious we are and because they are old fashioned they are stuck in their ways.

My gf is white and im asian, they don't seem to understand how happy she makes me and are worried about my future but more about what our relatives will say and how it will look to the outside world. I've always felt that I haven't been able to live my life how i have wanted and always been made to feel guilty about spending time with my friends more. I only see my parents as parents and not friends because of the way they have raised me.

I was just wondering what you guys would choose if you were me, the girl of your dreams or family knowing you'll probably never be as happy again.

thanks

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Ask your parents what sort of girl would make them happy? Tell them to be as specific as they as you don't want to make any more mistakes, and if their answer doesn't describe a girl you would like for yourself then keep the one you have and tell your parents to butt out of your life. If their description portrays your ideal woman then you won't be happy with the one you've got so it would be kinder to let her go now.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"dear all,

All my life i have done what my family, taken my parents where ever they have wanted to go and lent them money when ever they have needed.

I've told my parents about the girl ive met and how serious we are and because they are old fashioned they are stuck in their ways.

I was just wondering what you guys would choose if you were me, the girl of your dreams or family knowing you'll probably never be as happy again.

thanks"

I am biased as I dont have much to do with my family. I have always gone with my heart and what feels right, which often upset my family. I have found that the more distance I have had from them the better. I guess it just depends on how important they are to you and whether you would risk not having contact with them. What I would ask them is can't they just be happy with your choice?

Finally, if this girl is the woman of your dreams and you dump her, you will live every day wondering what if and looking at the woman next you end up with thinking she is a poor substitute.

Good luck and hope your decision is the right one

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Thay have to let you go ...... and not just think of themselfs . We live and learn . If your happy and it feels right for you go for it . Over time i am sure thay will come to teams with it knowing your happy and if not its very selfish of them . xxx jo

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

their ideal woman would be someone 'indian'. they've arranged for me to meet girls but either they haven't liked me or i haven't been attracted to them.

they are worried that i'll end up divorced and miserable.

I've told my mum, my dad has a fiery temper and when i told her she just wished that she would die instead of being happy for me. they seem more worried about their image to other relatives than my happiness.

My parents have sacrificed their whole lives for me and my brother but am feeling like im being emotionally blackmailed now.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If this girl is as good as you say, she will become family, and possibly enable you to start your own, so you won't lose family, merely gain it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

it's difficult when it comes to mixing 2 different cultures, your parents are from a different time and still want to stick to tradition but you need to live your own life.

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By *ove bi guysWoman over a year ago

Birmingham

How unhappy would your parents be ? Would this stop you speaking to them - or over time and with a little understanding would they warm to her ?

Do you have any siblings or cousins to talk this over with ?

It very easy to say follow your heart and pick the girl but you obviously love and respect your parents regardless of how old fashioned they are.

How accepting of an old fashioned family is your girlfriend ? x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"If this girl is as good as you say, she will become family, and possibly enable you to start your own, so you won't lose family, merely gain it."
This is true .............. And at times you have to stand up for whats right for you and what makes you happy ..... or could think If only ..... and missed out on so much in life and love .

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

my gf said she'd be willing to raise our kids with both traditions.

my parents would not want to talk to me again if i went through with this.

my brother has let women go to make our parents happy because he knew he couldn't do anything with the girls he liked even though he did say he had never met anyone more perfect for him.

My brother is the "good" one im always seen as the "rebel"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If this is truely the woman of your dreams don't give her up for anything... if your parents cant accept that then they obviously dont want you do be truely happy... and how are you less likely to get divorced from a woman because she is indian than if she is white? if this white woman makes you happy and you make her happy then love her with all your heart! and your family will eventually see that you are happy, if they dont then they are blind!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"their ideal woman would be someone 'indian'. they've arranged for me to meet girls but either they haven't liked me or i haven't been attracted to them.

they are worried that i'll end up divorced and miserable.

My parents have sacrificed their whole lives for me and my brother but am feeling like im being emotionally blackmailed now."

This is my take on this as well. In my view being a parent is about making sacrifice and expecting nothing back. Why give to receive.

I am not fully aware of your culture but "everyday Jo" here would take the girl everytime.

My Mrs turned me down after I proposed because her Mum and Dad got involved. They will pass on and you will have to keep on living and what better way than with someone you love and get on with.

DBR

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By *emmefataleWoman over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

I think that one of the worse things would be to look back in a few years and think "if only" , go with your gut instincts...good luck xx

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By *ENDAROOSCouple over a year ago

South West London / Surrey

"If this girl is as good as you say, she will become family, and possibly enable you to start your own, so you won't lose family, merely gain it."

What a lovely answer xx

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By *landPeggyCouple over a year ago

Holland !

Parents mellow in their views as they get older, especially if you stay happy with the lass for a long time.

Follow your heart.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You're 31, tell Dad to fuck off. Maybe not in so many words, but effectively.

Seriously, move out, pay your own bills, make your own decisions. No rocket science required.

Also, switch off your filter, I need to ask you a question (nothing to do with swinging or your family/relationships).

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"My brother is the "good" one im always seen as the "rebel""

If you're going to be hung you might as well be guilty. Tell your folks that you've made your decision and they can either accept a new member of the family - or lose a son.

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By *ove bi guysWoman over a year ago

Birmingham

There is no need to rush into making a decision either way just because your parents aren't happy. Don't make a knee jerk decision either way.

Enjoy what you have with your gf for now and see how things progress.

Keep talking to your parents and showing them your not going to change as a person - only grow with love.

Do you worship regular ? Can you discuss this with anyone there ? Is your gf religious or is she willing to convert or take on your religion ? x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"my gf said she'd be willing to raise our kids with both traditions.

my parents would not want to talk to me again if i went through with this.

my brother has let women go to make our parents happy because he knew he couldn't do anything with the girls he liked even though he did say he had never met anyone more perfect for him.

My brother is the "good" one im always seen as the "rebel""
your no rebel ........ you just have to be true to your-self .... and if you have that no one can get to you. Be positive and live life for you not just to make others happy all the time . Thay cant hold a gun to your head ask you to pick them or her its not right ,x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I should also say that my parents were very religious too, and I departed from that tradition completely. I'm much happier to be honest with myself, than to live a lie. In the end, they respect me more now, than they might have otherwise.

Independence is important and there's no two ways about it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

we've been going out for over a year now and are very serious, my mum said that she wished i told them earlier so that they could break off the relationship, they wouldnt have wanted it to progress.

Indians don't eat beef and my gf loves a good steak so dont think shed be giving it up anytime soon but she said if we had kids they are welcome to learn the indian traditions but its their decision about the beef - i coudn't win that one

thank u all for all of your help

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By *ENDAROOSCouple over a year ago

South West London / Surrey

"Thay have to let you go ...... and not just think of themselfs . We live and learn . If your happy and it feels right for you go for it . Over time i am sure thay will come to teams with it knowing your happy and if not its very selfish of them . xxx jo"

Completely agree.

My parents and family were not thrilled at all when I first brought Mr B home.

Infact it took him years to become accepted properly by some of my family.

It was really difficult at times but well worth it in the long run.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

" Thay cant hold a gun to your head ask you to pick them or her its not right ,x"

im sure if my dad could he would

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"we've been going out for over a year now and are very serious, my mum said that she wished i told them earlier so that they could break off the relationship, they wouldnt have wanted it to progress.

thank u all for all of your help"

Momentarily turn your filter off, need to ask you a question. Again, nothing to do with swinging or family, a business related question.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Are we reading this wrong but your profile says your a single guy, what does you GF think about this site ???

Nothing to do with the original question but if you love this girl so much do you need to be on here ??

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman over a year ago

little house on the praire

I think its very hard for people that are not asian to give advice as your family and culture is different to ours. If you where non asian i would say go with your heart, your parents will come round but as you are asian i wouldnt say that. Maybe talk to other asian people that have been in similar situations

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" Thay cant hold a gun to your head ask you to pick them or her its not right ,x

im sure if my dad could he would"
so will your girl- friend be swinging too with you ?? or you stopping or she is fine with it ?? your dad and mum would hate you on here too i bet ... its your life and years go so fast we have to make the most of it all and be happy if we can . x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Are we reading this wrong but your profile says your a single guy, what does you GF think about this site ???

Nothing to do with the original question but if you love this girl so much do you need to be on here ??

"
I was thinking a bit like that too , lol after reading his profile and looking for a swing dates . lol

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By *ath-N-DelCouple over a year ago

Glasgow area

"I think its very hard for people that are not asian to give advice as your family and culture is different to ours. If you where non asian i would say go with your heart, your parents will come round but as you are asian i wouldnt say that. Maybe talk to other asian people that have been in similar situations"

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

my gf said she would like to give it a go. she does know that i have swung but not really updated my profile.

maybe i could tempt her into trying out one of her fantasies

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You could indeed

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

1. Your parents sacrificed nothing. That's what parents do. Any decent parent.

2. If they say they sacrificed everything for you then THEY chose to. They gave you birth and followed their dreams. Sacrifice shmacrifice. How old are you?

3. Nothing is for ever not even an asian wife.

4. If your family threaten to disown you don't give in to their manipulating , cheating, blackmailing , immoral , selfish ways.

5. Go with your girl. Forgive your family. Exercise patience.

You are a hypocrite in any case. You are on here so it seems you don't honour your parents really. Only when they can SEE what you are doing.

So hang em for the lack of respect you have for them anyway and go with your girl.

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By *un_JuiceCouple over a year ago

Nr Chester

I would carefully touch on the fact that at somepoint your family be it your Mother/Father or theirs moved to the UK.

They made that made for reasons of employment opportunities and to create a better life for themselves and their families perhaps ? Forgive me if i'm wrong the point being that by doing so there are of course many other asian ladies, asian brits some of which now have western approach to life and maybe values, then of course there are british girls. The very fact that this is your life, your country too means that surely they should respect that expectations from them are unfair and harsh and they should realise that you have the right to fall in love with whoever you wish.

It ain,t gonna be easy. I cannot begin to understand how difficult it will be for them to accept but i'd do it face to face tell them how much you love them and respect them but you want to pursue happiness with her.

Hope you make the right choice.

Besides that does she know about this side of your life and would you continue it, a] behind her back ]b together. If she means that much to you you better start thinking of that unless you've already addressed it.

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By *he_original_poloWoman over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

One of my real world mates is married to an Asian guy and has happily been so for a good 10 years. But I get where you are coming from with the family thing. Her hubby is the eldest son, which kinda makes it tougher due to the expectations placed on the eldest boy. They live a good distance away from the rest of his family, but family events and get togethers are tough for her…. I know as she often phones me when she thinks she is about to go insane when she’s with them. But his sisters and more so his brothers wives play a huge part in making it bearable to be there as they are less traditional than his parents.

It’s easy for people to say ‘just follow your heart it’s your life’… especially when they don’t understand the differences in the cultural values of family.

Don’t rush.

Let time and talking help to bring your parents around to a place where they can at least accept your choices.

Talk to her too so she understands what she'll be walking into.

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By *ovedupstillCouple over a year ago

mullinwire

very difficult to ask mostly western people about an eastern culture that most of us have no idea about.

your parents are right in what they say and what they want, and IF you want to, you can respect that, BUT... respect is a 2 way street, and they really should respect your ideas of happiness.

they have tried to set you up with mates, and none of them have worked. can you not explain that you have decided to try and find love and happiness yourself?

there are plenty of indian gentlemen that have foundhappiness with 'western' women, so why would you not be the same?

try to impress on them the fact that she is happy to include your religion and beliefs into her life, and respect where you are from, and to bring up any children in a similar fashion.

and, after all the typing, one more line.

who are you going to live your life for? you or your parents.......?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Not having had a good relationship persay with my mother I would choose the girl everytime

I feel for you though good luck xx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Were your parents born and bred here OP? Were their parents?

Yes you have an Indian heritage and culture but you were (I assume) born/raised here in Britain.

Therefore you are a product of both those cultures and should be allowed to develop within them, whatever nationality it says on your passport.

You have to live here and interact with those around you not enclose yourself in a 'little India' your parents must realise that.

I feel you follow your heart, set your own course in life. You can still keep your culture as can your girlfriend, but merging them and joining them both as you do, as the different cultures in this country have done for centuries.

There is usually a middle ground to be found, you just have to take those first steps to finding it, whether you do it alone or hand in hand with your girlfriend. I wish you both luck, whatever you choose. xxx

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

shoot I just wrote a long post and mentionted that I was eventually accepted as a dorter and the red sign came up and now i have lost it.

a sign, maybe.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"dear all,

All my life i have do

ne what my family, taken my parents where ever they have wanted to go and lent them money when ever they have needed.

I've told my parents about the girl ive met and how serious we are and because they are old fashioned they are stuck in their ways.

I was just wondering what you guys would choose if you were me, the girl of your dreams or family knowing you'll probably never be as happy again.

thanks"

That's so sad and I really do feel for you, I would say go for the girl because I know my parents would come round to whoever I was seeing and be there for me regardless but I understand you are of another culture and this may not be the case for you

My gran use to have a say

Go to your grave regretting things you have done in life and not what you haven't

Think about it and the best of luck x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

My parents have sacrificed their whole lives for me and my brother but am feeling like im being emotionally blackmailed now."

No they haven't they have just been parents it's what we do when we have kids. put them first and sometimes go without for them, it's not Sacrificing your life it's just being a good mum and dad to the kids we bring into the world, by the sounds of it you are being emotionally blackmailed

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If your family are that traditional you won't get round them and you will eventually have to choose between your family and your girlfriend. It's your choice and you need to weigh all the options and which you can't live without? We can only give you our opinion, we don't know how centered your family are on traditions or if they would ever change and accept your girlfriend into the family.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Pirt … can really appreciate your dilemma; I lost the love of my life last year due to family pressure but that came from my children. After 3 years their non-acceptance it just got too much and we split … still love her and she still loves me but sometimes that just isn’t enough. With your situation you have to appreciate the pressure that will come to bear on both of you from your parents’ non-acceptance. If you BOTH can live with that then I would say go for the girl

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

if you actually love this lady stay with her,i let my lady go and regretted it for 30 yrs

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Either way u will probably loose something!! And u have to work out which one u can live with and what guilt u can put up with! U got some hard times and decissions ahead lovely good luck and hope it works out for u x

Her

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple over a year ago

hexham

i dont belong to your cultural background...so any advice i give is tempered by that knowledge.

You need to consider what your family disowning you means to you,and whether that is worse than loosing the girl.

There is no easy answer...but the decision you make should not be done with the idea they might change or come round.You need to be happy that you made the right choice.

If it helps my parents have never really liked my partner...and i know they are wrong,we get on with life and they have mellowed over the years...but i chose to be with him and have never regretted it once.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 14/03/12 16:40:24]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 14/03/12 16:39:27]

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"dear all,

All my life i have done what my family, taken my parents where ever they have wanted to go and lent them money when ever they have needed.

I've told my parents about the girl ive met and how serious we are and because they are old fashioned they are stuck in their ways.

I was just wondering what you guys would choose if you were me, the girl of your dreams or family knowing you'll probably never be as happy again.

thanks"

Given that most people who use this site probably haven't ever travelled in India and therefore know little about Indian culture, most of them probably won't understand quite what your problem is. As someone who has been to India very many times, I do, and you have my sympathy-it's really hard for people of Indian descent who were born here to parents who were born and brought up in India.

I have a friend of Indian descent who was in your position twenty years ago. He told his parents that neither he nor they lived in India and that they must go with the customs of the country they had chosen to make their home. They threatened to disown him if he didn't do want they wanted him to do. He ignored their threats and married the girl he loved. They did disown him but he stuck to his guns.It took them seven years to unbend and make overtures for peace to him.He is still married to the woman of his choice.

My advice? Emulate my friend, and the very best of luck to you.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

love breaks down societies and builds them...some concept!

I however am sorry that people who enter mixed race marriages are forced to endure the culture of many rather than the individual.

There are many human rights issues in this world, but this is a human wrong..the ability to choose our own mate should never be denied

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I do not have any choice in choosing my parents or my siblings, however, I have a choice in choosing my friends and the love of my life.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"dear all,

All my life i have done what my family, taken my parents where ever they have wanted to go and lent them money when ever they have needed.

I've told my parents about the girl ive met and how serious we are and because they are old fashioned they are stuck in their ways.

I was just wondering what you guys would choose if you were me, the girl of your dreams or family knowing you'll probably never be as happy again.

thanks"

I can understand the pressure your family are putting on you as one of my best friends is Indian...her family are even being strict on Caste not just faith so she has an even smaller pool to try to find love in! I wish she would stand up to them a little so she could find someone and be happy because she really wants to start a family, but most suitable guys are already married off now due to her age.

Do you know of any other members of your community that have married different faiths? No doubt the gossips will have had plenty to say, but if they are going strong then maybe use them as an example that it can work and it won't stop you practising your faith. I do think that in such a close community the older generation are a bit more concerned about 'keeping up appearances' than our generation, especially if they were born in India rather than in the UK...or if their parents are still alive...but that shouldn't stop your happiness. They made all these sacrifices they talk of so you can be happy and healthy after all!

Have your parents met your girlfriend...that may have some sway with them if they know what she is like and can voice their concerns with her. They may fall out with you to begin with, but I think if things do get serious and you do start a family they will reluctantly come round eventually. It will be hard, but if you end things because of pressure from your family you'll always wonder what could have been and may end up resenting them for it in the long run.

Hope it all works out for you and you manage to stay together and keep your family as I'm sure they are important to you despite the current situation xx

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