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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I appreciate this might be a bit heavy for a Saturday morning, I apologise in advance. I know it is a sensitive subject and I hope it doesn't offend.
I've been spending time recently with someone with a terminal illness. After watching them fade away we're now at the stage where they are receiving palliative care.
As I'm sure many can unfortunately relate it's been heartbreaking for their loved ones watching them slip away but I can't stop thinking of how they must feel.
Could you put yourself in their shoes? Are you scared of death or just accept it?
Would you feel cheated out of all the things you hadn't done or regret some things you had?
I know it's hard to imagine getting that news, it's just making me so sad for all the people who do face that each day.
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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago
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I’m so sorry Rubi. It’s incredibly difficult to go though xx
One of my colleagues has just passed away. Her funeral has had to be rearranged because one of her children has GCSEs on that day. She won’t see her daughter go to prom.
I’ve lost several immediate family, my best friend and various others in my life. I often find thinking about what they’re missing out on the hardest part to bear. Mothers missing their children grow up. Grandparents not having the opportunity of time with their loved ones, friends who you k ow would have absolutely loved a certain something that you would have done together.
When I think about dying the thing that troubles me the most is leaving my children. Can’t think about that because my heart will break. |
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Sending hugs Rubi!
If I knew I were dying now i’d be bloody terrified - but for my kids rather than myself!
In terms of someone who absolutely loves them no matter what and is there to fight their corner - I’m it!
I would imagine many single parents feel like me - more worried about what would happen to their kids and who’d step in to love/care for them than they are about whether they go to heaven or rot in the ground! Xx |
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I'm so sorry that you going through this. I have been there myself.
They say it's the things we didn't do that we regret not those that we did.
I don't like to think about my death. I just hope its quick.
Life is to short for regret so now a days I just just concentrate on those things I can change. I wish you the best at this sad time x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Close friend of mine is suffering with brain cancer. It started as skin cancer then the lymph nodes then the lungs now the brain. Only 30 years old and 2 kids. So sad to see how it's taken a hold but the only thing I can do is be there when needed |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’m so sorry Rubi. It’s incredibly difficult to go though xx
One of my colleagues has just passed away. Her funeral has had to be rearranged because one of her children has GCSEs on that day. She won’t see her daughter go to prom.
I’ve lost several immediate family, my best friend and various others in my life. I often find thinking about what they’re missing out on the hardest part to bear. Mothers missing their children grow up. Grandparents not having the opportunity of time with their loved ones, friends who you k ow would have absolutely loved a certain something that you would have done together.
When I think about dying the thing that troubles me the most is leaving my children. Can’t think about that because my heart will break. "
I think that's what would get me. All the thing I'd miss. The people I love and the opportunities I didn't take. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m not afraid of my own death and haven’t had anyone really close to me die since my grandparents. I have experienced seeing others deal with grief who are close to me but not had to deal with that kind of loss myself. I’m not sure how it will affect me when I’m faced with the death of one of my parents, I’ll miss them both terribly as we are very close. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I nursed my dad last year. Moved him into my house and watched him fade away.
I will never be the same and will never get over it. "
I'm so sorry to hear that and yeah I can imagine it's not something you can get over. X
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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I don't know. The reality can be so very different to how you think you would be. In my head I'd be accepting of death and not regretting anything but I know from experience that how you are when it comes to the palliative care stage is very different.
Before my close friend passed late last year we spoke a lot. About all the plans we had said we were going to do when we carefree and precocious students, all the things that would never be. I asked her about regrets and her only real regret was not truly living. Like not going to visit that country because x,y and z. Not telling that person how much they mean to you because fuck - you can't do that. It's weird. Keep your emotions to yourself. Not talking to random people because again - weird. Not reading that book because of all the excuses. Not dancing like a loon because people might judge.
To summarise, I guess for me the biggest regret would be to die with a life half lived.
Anyway, I'm sorry to read about what you're going through Rubi. It's not easy,  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Sending hugs Rubi!
If I knew I were dying now i’d be bloody terrified - but for my kids rather than myself!
In terms of someone who absolutely loves them no matter what and is there to fight their corner - I’m it!
I would imagine many single parents feel like me - more worried about what would happen to their kids and who’d step in to love/care for them than they are about whether they go to heaven or rot in the ground! Xx"
Definitely. Especially with younger kids I guess. So many milestones you'd miss. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Big hugs to you Rubi. I’ve lost family members due to illness young and old, it’s hard to watch  .
As for what they think, who knows but it seems to be the ones that are passing are normally the strong ones |
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It’s heartbreaking and often very unfair. While you’re submerged in such a situation it’s impossible not to empathise.
That said it’s important for the soul no to dwell. Celebrate their life and remember but don’t dwell.
We would rather spend the time planning and doing the things that you may one day regret not doing.
One life, one chance, accept it’s not a practice run and try enjoy every minute.
Measure the positives and disregard the negatives (that we all have). At dinner every day we go around the table and all 5 of us take a turn at sharing the best bit of our day with each other.
Obviously with this hobby we sometimes select the second best bit to protect the innocence of our kids and our own parental reputations!!
Say yes to anything that there’s no immediate good reason to say no to xx
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm so sorry that you going through this. I have been there myself.
They say it's the things we didn't do that we regret not those that we did.
I don't like to think about my death. I just hope its quick.
Life is to short for regret so now a days I just just concentrate on those things I can change. I wish you the best at this sad time x"
Thank you. That's actually the way I was thinking for myself personally. If it happened to me now I feel like I'd have missed out on so many things.
It's put me in quite a reflective mood. |
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Death is part of life;part of the life cycle.
We don't talk about it often enough, though there was a thread about it not so long ago.
I don't fear death. I do fear prolonged pain.
I've been in your position several times with family, friends and acquaintances,the last one being only a couple of months ago.
She insisted on not seeing anyone.
I went to see her. I am so glad I did. When she passed - I felt i'd bothered. I felt i'd done what a friend would do. We held hands. We smiled. She breathlessly told me to 'live every moment' , I said I would ( yet haven't )
I didn't go to her funeral. My feelings about funerals have changed a great deal over the past two years.
She had such grace and strength at her end. I learned from that. |
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I know it's a cliche but people really do need to take a long hard look at their life when they are fit and healthy as it really is better to regret what you've done rather than what you haven't.
It's so easy to get into the live to work routine when it should be the other way and you work so you can live.
Sure not everyone can drop everything to go round the world but you can do things which mean your living not just surviving.
Years ago I used to go on skyscanner look for the cheapest flights and just book it regardless of where it was.
Omg some of the places had never seen a tourist but apart from a few dangerous situations I had a ball.
Hope it works out rubi x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Close friend of mine is suffering with brain cancer. It started as skin cancer then the lymph nodes then the lungs now the brain. Only 30 years old and 2 kids. So sad to see how it's taken a hold but the only thing I can do is be there when needed "
I'm sorry to hear that. I think that's a good point too, all you can do is be there and I guess they feel that same kinda redundant way, like there's nothing else to do but wait. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"In same position at the moment, it doesn't seem real. Relative only been diagnosed a few weeks and barely days left. Heartbroken and numb in one. "
I'm sorry x
It is horrible how fast it can happen and I agree about the numbness, it's like your brain can't process it enough to register emotions. |
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It's hard spending time with someone when they have a terminal illness and even harder caring for them. Can't really answer any of your questions OP as I try not to think about it. I cared for my dad when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer and he passed when he was 38 too which is what age I am, it really does make you think about life!! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I don't know. The reality can be so very different to how you think you would be. In my head I'd be accepting of death and not regretting anything but I know from experience that how you are when it comes to the palliative care stage is very different.
Before my close friend passed late last year we spoke a lot. About all the plans we had said we were going to do when we carefree and precocious students, all the things that would never be. I asked her about regrets and her only real regret was not truly living. Like not going to visit that country because x,y and z. Not telling that person how much they mean to you because fuck - you can't do that. It's weird. Keep your emotions to yourself. Not talking to random people because again - weird. Not reading that book because of all the excuses. Not dancing like a loon because people might judge.
To summarise, I guess for me the biggest regret would be to die with a life half lived.
Anyway, I'm sorry to read about what you're going through Rubi. It's not easy, "
I think that's my fear too. That I haven't really lived. It's made me quite contemplative of the fact I'm still reasonably young and free of ties and I should probably be taking advantage of that. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Having watched the recent programmes with Miriam Margolyes has been very inspirational about how some people can deal with the subject  "
Oh I love her! I saw they were on but didn't get the chance to watch. I'll try find them on catch up x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Fellas experience here. I’ve been close to death a few times. Most in my military service but the most lasting wasn’t at all. My heart was playing up and I was having full heart attack symptoms. As I lay in my hospital bed more wires than a telephone exchange, I had pains down my arm and was fading in and out. I had a huge sense of peace over me, I was convinced I was just about to go and I didn’t mind. I wasn’t scared at all. Tried explaining to people and don’t understand what I’m saying. But if people have that feeling I had there are far worse things in life. I hope your loved one had my experience and felt warm and loved. |
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Do every thing and anything you want to do and live without regrets - you only regret the things you stopped yourself doing
Live every day, hour, minute and second as if it was your last because one day it will be
Tell family and those close to you how much you love them and grab the world with both hands |
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"Close friend of mine is suffering with brain cancer. It started as skin cancer then the lymph nodes then the lungs now the brain. Only 30 years old and 2 kids. So sad to see how it's taken a hold but the only thing I can do is be there when needed "
That is sad, especially so when young children are involved x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Close friend of mine is suffering with brain cancer. It started as skin cancer then the lymph nodes then the lungs now the brain. Only 30 years old and 2 kids. So sad to see how it's taken a hold but the only thing I can do is be there when needed
That is sad, especially so when young children are involved x"
Yes, can’t imagine anything worse x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Big hugs to you Rubi. I’ve lost family members due to illness young and old, it’s hard to watch .
As for what they think, who knows but it seems to be the ones that are passing are normally the strong ones "
That's so true. I've found it's often them giving reassurance! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The idea of suffering a long painful illness is terrifying.
But death itself doesn’t scare me. I had a near death experience, saw “the light” and everything. And it was nice. |
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"Having watched the recent programmes with Miriam Margolyes has been very inspirational about how some people can deal with the subject
Oh I love her! I saw they were on but didn't get the chance to watch. I'll try find them on catch up x"
The second episode is really heart warming and inspiring, from the mother who went to live in Bute, to the teenager undergoing chemo |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I sat with my dad when he passed. He had been ill for a while and I don't know if he really had accepted what was happening. He deteriorated very suddenly and was hallucinating when we made the decision to get him to hospital. He was at that point adimant he didn't want to go and visibly frightened and distressed. .
He was given sedatives and pain relief. I sat with him over night and the most harrowing things happened. He somehow found more strength than I'd seen in months and desperately tried to sit up. He was agitated and I had to try to calm him.
I genuinely believe he was scared and not ready. He was only in his 50s.
When my mum passed recently it was different. I'd had the call numerous times to say they didn't think she would make it. Her quality of life was so poor she had I think made peace with her fate.
It's not something you ever forget. I hope when the time comes for me it's fast. The shock will upset but I'd never want my boys to see my fear
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It’s really difficult for someone with empathy not to put yourself in their shoes but it seems like you’re on the edge of an abyss.
I’ve no idea how people who care for the sick and the dying do it, I know I couldn’t deal with it every day.
Say hi to your friend from a load of weirdos on the internet |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m not scared of death, I’m a true believer that we have limited time and once you’re time is up then it’s up, I nursed my dad 18 years ago when he died from cancer, it was horrible and if I could have taken away his pain I would have done in an instant, I was the person that told him he’d had enough and it was okay to leave. He took his last breath then. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Death is part of life;part of the life cycle.
We don't talk about it often enough, though there was a thread about it not so long ago.
I don't fear death. I do fear prolonged pain.
I've been in your position several times with family, friends and acquaintances,the last one being only a couple of months ago.
She insisted on not seeing anyone.
I went to see her. I am so glad I did. When she passed - I felt i'd bothered. I felt i'd done what a friend would do. We held hands. We smiled. She breathlessly told me to 'live every moment' , I said I would ( yet haven't )
I didn't go to her funeral. My feelings about funerals have changed a great deal over the past two years.
She had such grace and strength at her end. I learned from that. "
That's what made me start the thread. Because it isn't talked about but is something we all have to deal with.
It's such an emotive subject and it's good (maybe not the right choice of word!) to see people's different takes on things. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I know it's a cliche but people really do need to take a long hard look at their life when they are fit and healthy as it really is better to regret what you've done rather than what you haven't.
It's so easy to get into the live to work routine when it should be the other way and you work so you can live.
Sure not everyone can drop everything to go round the world but you can do things which mean your living not just surviving.
Years ago I used to go on skyscanner look for the cheapest flights and just book it regardless of where it was.
Omg some of the places had never seen a tourist but apart from a few dangerous situations I had a ball.
Hope it works out rubi x"
That sounds like a really good attitude to have. I have no sense of geography, god knows where I'd end up! |
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By *innypopsCouple
over a year ago
Huddersfield |
We were at a funeral in a very similar situation just yesterday. Gone too soon. Dan had everyone in the church in awe with his eulogy about his wife. No one could fathom how he actually did it. He said in their last few weeks, when he was really struggling to come to terms with everything, he said to Claire "What about all the things we will never get to do?" Claire turned to him and said "Dan, we did them all..." Don't think I'll ever forget that. That helped me believe that Claire was really at peace with death and not afraid. Beautiful. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thanks for all the responses guys. I can't reply to them all but it's so emotional reading people's thoughts and experiences.
I guess death is one of those things that unites us. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We were at a funeral in a very similar situation just yesterday. Gone too soon. Dan had everyone in the church in awe with his eulogy about his wife. No one could fathom how he actually did it. He said in their last few weeks, when he was really struggling to come to terms with everything, he said to Claire "What about all the things we will never get to do?" Claire turned to him and said "Dan, we did them all..." Don't think I'll ever forget that. That helped me believe that Claire was really at peace with death and not afraid. Beautiful. "
That is beautiful x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thanks for all the responses guys. I can't reply to them all but it's so emotional reading people's thoughts and experiences.
I guess death is one of those things that unites us. "
It’s one thing in life that’s inevitable |
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"Sending hugs Rubi!
If I knew I were dying now i’d be bloody terrified - but for my kids rather than myself!
In terms of someone who absolutely loves them no matter what and is there to fight their corner - I’m it!
I would imagine many single parents feel like me - more worried about what would happen to their kids and who’d step in to love/care for them than they are about whether they go to heaven or rot in the ground! Xx
Definitely. Especially with younger kids I guess. So many milestones you'd miss. "
In all honesty that’s not my worry! A bit of me believes I’ll be able to watch over them! What worries me most (and many other parents I presume) - is that they won’t become the amazing adults I know they can be without me there to offer my absolute love/faith in them!
Sorry if that sounds a bit pathetic or self important! X |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Thanks for all the responses guys. I can't reply to them all but it's so emotional reading people's thoughts and experiences.
I guess death is one of those things that unites us.
It’s one thing in life that’s inevitable "
It really puts things into perspective. Missed opportunities, petty squabbles, time wasted.
It really is a case of do what you can when you can with those that really matter. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Sending hugs Rubi!
If I knew I were dying now i’d be bloody terrified - but for my kids rather than myself!
In terms of someone who absolutely loves them no matter what and is there to fight their corner - I’m it!
I would imagine many single parents feel like me - more worried about what would happen to their kids and who’d step in to love/care for them than they are about whether they go to heaven or rot in the ground! Xx
Definitely. Especially with younger kids I guess. So many milestones you'd miss.
In all honesty that’s not my worry! A bit of me believes I’ll be able to watch over them! What worries me most (and many other parents I presume) - is that they won’t become the amazing adults I know they can be without me there to offer my absolute love/faith in them!
Sorry if that sounds a bit pathetic or self important! X"
No that makes sense. You know them inside out and will battle for them and push them in ways no one else could. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through Rubi. I have recently lost a very close friend with a terminal illness and it's bloody awful. At first I didn't know what to say or do or how I could help her. I had to make myself mentally strong when visiting her. We talked about our lives and memories and actually laughed a lot. She had accepted it and didn't want to be treated any differently. Life is cruel, especially taking people at a young age. Sending you a big hug x |
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I doubt I could ever really contemplate being in those shoes. I've always imagined I'd fight it, rage against the dying of the light even if it where obviously a Forlorn battle. For me I see nothing after death so even a life in pain is still life. As long as I can still think I will fight to exist, because for me nothingness is the worst thing. But then who know untill I'm in them shoes, maybe I'll tap out early. |
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By *eeBee67Man
over a year ago
Masked and Distant |
Watched my dad, ekderly uncle, father in law and mother in law pass away.
Not pleasant but was in a way good to be there; to hold their hand, to comfort them, speak to them. And to do things for them when they couldnt at the end.
Biggest warmest hugs Rubi.
I hate the thought of leaving my daughters, hate how they would feel. But am reassured that if I do go before I retire, they will be financially well off. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I doubt I could ever really contemplate being in those shoes. I've always imagined I'd fight it, rage against the dying of the light even if it where obviously a Forlorn battle. For me I see nothing after death so even a life in pain is still life. As long as I can still think I will fight to exist, because for me nothingness is the worst thing. But then who know untill I'm in them shoes, maybe I'll tap out early."
There isn’t nothingness after death. Maybe that’s why you’re so scared. And nope I’m not religious and don’t believe in heaven or any of that. But when I nearly died and when I was in the light, it felt like i was back in the same place I’d been before I was born (sounds weird but that’s really what it felt like - a sudden “ah I know this feeling”). And right then I knew that I was going to live again at some time in the future. Weird I know. But it was a certainty in my mind. |
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My dad and grandad both died in their late 50s of lung cancer. I have lost people to the disease. With 1 in 2 people getting the disease I am pretty much just waiting BUT AND IMPORTANTLY not going to stop having fun, enjoying life and enjoying every day. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I lost my mum last year and watched her go from my fun loving mum to passing away in just 42 days. She accepted quite early (once diagnosed) that she was going to die. I don’t think she was ever scared (if she was she didn’t let on) and I wasn’t scared of her going, ultimately I wanted her to be at peace.
She didn’t have the chance to fulfil any last dreams or wishes because it was all too quick.
I think if I knew my time was coming I’d want to share all the stories of my life with my children. |
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By *UNCHBOXMan
over a year ago
folkestone |
I helped to look after my mum after she got diagnosed with terminal cancer 18 months ago. Unfortunately because the cancer was so aggressive we only had 2 months with her until she passed away. She had come to terms with dying as she had very strong faith. To see how much pain she was in and how hard she battled was heartbreaking. I would hate to see any more of my family or friends to go through that amount of pain.
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Sending hugs to you.
I watched my own partner pass from brain cancer last year.
It is awful to watch but in his position he did a lot of soul searching after his diagnosis of terminal illness.
He apologised to some people for past misdemeanours and misunderstandings and was also very frank with others who turned up that he would never forgive them for certain wrongs done to him. He became brutally honest about his feelings as he felt he had nothing to gain by keeping quiet.
It was a tough time and we did lots of talking.
I think everyone handles things in different ways. Some talk other don't. Some face the situation head on and other ignore what's happening.
It's a difficult time but it's different for everyone. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Tell the people you love, that you love them at every opportunity, you never know if you will have another tomorrow to tell them.
I have wanted death, after my first wife died, but couldn't go as there were children to care for. Don't desire it any more, but don't fear it either. My life is lived so I can go tomorrow with limited damage. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sometimes it seems the best of people die early which is so sad. Someone very close to me was given five years maximum with cancer but she was an amazing person who wanted to spend her time wisely so a bucket list was created and we all did everything we could to help her achieve fulfilling it. Most was achieved but the truly amazing thing was she faced it head on even down to sorting all her affairs and insisting on a celebration of life when she passed rather than the tradition funeral. Tweeking tears now but only hope I can have a tiny amount of the courage and drive she had when my time comes. Very sad to see her go but memories of the fun we shared help.
Hard one OP but the good memories help. |
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By *UNCHBOXMan
over a year ago
folkestone |
The one regret I have with my mum passing away was that she felt she couldn't cry about knowing she was going to die in front of us because she was brought up to always not show how upset you are. Every time I hear the song 'don't cry out loud' by Elkie Brooks I think of my mum. |
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By *asmeenTV/TS
over a year ago
STOKE ON TRENT |
"Tell the people you love, that you love them at every opportunity, you never know if you will have another tomorrow to tell them.
I have wanted death, after my first wife died, but couldn't go as there were children to care for. Don't desire it any more, but don't fear it either. My life is lived so I can go tomorrow with limited damage."
xxxx |
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By *adeiteWoman
over a year ago
Stafford |
I used to be a carer and it's awful. I used to do palative care, walked in on suicides. You name it I've seen it.
But I don't fear death.
At the end of the day when they're gone they're no longer in pain. It's harder for them than for us. But you can bet your presence is genuinely appreciated by the person. Although they're not the same think of it like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. They're off on a new journey and just changing to accommodate the journey they will be facing.
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Search Death Cafe.
It is NOT as sombre as it sounds
I've attended liverpool ones. We did nothing but laugh.
You don't have to be dying and you don't have to know anyone that is.
We are all going to one day. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Search Death Cafe.
It is NOT as sombre as it sounds
I've attended liverpool ones. We did nothing but laugh.
You don't have to be dying and you don't have to know anyone that is.
We are all going to one day. "
I hadn't heard of these before. Seems a good idea! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Having recently gone through exactly this with my cousin I can so relate to how you're feeling. It's a feeling of such helplessness and frustration at not being able to do a damn thing about it or be able to make it better. My cousin was a single mum of 2 young girls and its just heart breaking.
PT x
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By *akie32Man
over a year ago
winchester |
I'm going through similar atm, only its me that's ill, when I got the diagnosis late last year it was a big blow, however, I'm not in much pain and living everyday doing things I've always wanted to. It sucks but I've had a fun time, I'm mid 40s but have lived more than most in their 80s,my only regret is that I probably won't get to walk my daughter down the isle, but thats |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm going through similar atm, only its me that's ill, when I got the diagnosis late last year it was a big blow, however, I'm not in much pain and living everyday doing things I've always wanted to. It sucks but I've had a fun time, I'm mid 40s but have lived more than most in their 80s,my only regret is that I probably won't get to walk my daughter down the isle, but thats"
Hugs x |
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By *akie32Man
over a year ago
winchester |
"I'm going through similar atm, only its me that's ill, when I got the diagnosis late last year it was a big blow, however, I'm not in much pain and living everyday doing things I've always wanted to. It sucks but I've had a fun time, I'm mid 40s but have lived more than most in their 80s,my only regret is that I probably won't get to walk my daughter down the isle, but thats
Hugs x"
thanks x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've been thinking lots about this kind of thing over the past few days.
One of my girls at work was very seriously injured in an RTC on Wednesday, sustaining critical injuries. Last I heard she is in a coma and was awaiting surgery. She's 25 and has an 18 month old daughter.
It's brought home to how precious life is.
I have never been afraid of dying, my only fears have been for my dog and son. Now it's different, I don't fear my own death however I fear not having the time I want to have with B. Not getting my happy ever after, when the time has finally come in my life where I believe I may actually have one, after years and years of believing I wasn't worth the shit on the bottom of someones shoe.
Back to knowing you're dying.
I lost my cousin at age 33, he had spent the majority of his life battling various cancers.
I was sad yes, but more relieved that he would no longer be hurting, he had hurt too much for too long.
I think in doing with grief and the inevitable we feel so helpless, with him I needed to find a role, something which I could focus on that I knew would make a difference, no matter how small in the healing of others (I expected it to be afterwards)
I sat with him 2 days before his passing and we reminisced, we laughed so so much about old times and things we'd done as kids, we were telling each other stupid jokes, he dared me to use his piss pot as a vase, and one I had to honour as he was dying as 'you can't not honour a dying mans last wish"
It was a wonderfully painful time if one such time exists.
When I came downstairs my aunt and uncle were sobbing but they didn't look sad, they were so happy they'd heard my cousin laughing, during his last hours on earth he was laughing, enjoying being alive for that time I was there with him. That helped them heal more than I could have ever imagined it would.
P |
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Yeah it's the worst feeling I've ever experienced I lost my dad to cancer when I was 13 seeing him suffer was heartbreaking for me you never really get past something like that. then for it to happen again with my mum a few years back sent me over the edge and I was in a bad place for a long time if it wasn't for my sisters and close friends Id probably be still in that situation. And now I just live in the moment and do whatever to make me happy cause you never no how long you have. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I nursed my dad last year. Moved him into my house and watched him fade away.
I will never be the same and will never get over it.
I'm so sorry to hear that and yeah I can imagine it's not something you can get over. X
"
You do get over it my dad died of lung cancer which spread to his bones. Life goes on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sorry to this Rubi.
Unfortunately iv lost many very close to me and all have young (under 60).
Some have been sudden and a couple have been though terminal illness.
Its never easy watching someone you love fade away but it gives time for to come to terms with. I haven't worded that well as I find it difficult to put it into words. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I wanted my mother to die quicker to stop the torment.
Wouldn’t let my dog suffer as my mother AND we were made to.
Euthanise is the best way.
Death is only painful for the living, in my opinion. Dead people lose their consciousness at the point of death, so no longer feel or care. |
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By *inn2000Woman
over a year ago
belfast |
"I nursed my dad last year. Moved him into my house and watched him fade away.
I will never be the same and will never get over it. "
I nursed my mum and watched her fade away. She had a death I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
My heart goes out to you xxxx |
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When my son turned 18, I breathed a huge sigh of relief that I'd got him to adulthood, as a single parent, it's a massive milestone. I felt OK about dying. Now that I've been promoted to nanna, I don't want to die, I want to see my grandchild have children.... I was so focused on surviving as my son was growing up, I did not get to have the fun, having a grandchild is a 2nd chance and I am grabbing hold of that with both hands. Now I wanna cry  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I work with teenagers and have supported them going through parents with a terminal illness and sudden deaths. They feel like they have to be strong for the remaining parent as they don't want to worry or upset them. They come into School and come to me to unload..it's absolutely heartbreaking and hard to bare a childs pain and sorrow. They need to be heard...my collegues support me so i can support the students.
It makes me very aware to tell my family that i love them as you never know what's around the corner. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
Rubi, talking about death is a good thing. We are all going to experience it and, yes, the circumstances of a death can make some much more difficult to handle than other. It is sad, loss is a big emotion.
Have a look at Death Cafe. Tea, cake and chat about death.
I'm not afraid of dying. I have been close several times, not always at my own hands, but death doesn't want me. I am afraid of prolonged pain, lingering on and creating a burden for people. I want to go quickly and for people to be able to grieve and move on.
I have lost friends and family to the long death of illness and dementia. I worked in HIV in the '90s, when people were dying, partly because I saw too many friends and acquaintances getting sick and dying.
It should have hardened me to loss but I find myself still missing and grieving some years after their death. I have never truly got over my son's death but I am grateful for the things his short life and the much longer lives of friends and family have taught me.
We are all living with (whatever) until we die. Concentrate on the life still left and don't dwell on how it will feel when they have gone as that is a waste of precious time you have with them. That doesn't mean not talking about the death you/they want and pretending it isn't going to happen.
No feeling is wrong. |
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I would be more worried about being in pain and not being able to look after myself more than dying, i would feel sad i wouldnt be able to see my loved ones anymore, but thats what happens to all of us somewhen.
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