FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Saying no

Saying no

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I really struge to tell people that I'm not interested, especially after a few emails and we're not on the same wave length, or they send me a pic.

Does any one else find this?

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By *aceytopWoman over a year ago

from a town near you

i used to struggle with this if we had emailed a few times and seemed to be getting on,but know i wont talk to someone unless i have a facepic,it saves embarrasment further down the line

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By *evilwolfCouple over a year ago

Leicestershire

"I really struge to tell people that I'm not interested, especially after a few emails and we're not on the same wave length, or they send me a pic.

Does any one else find this? "

It shouldn't be any harder than saying no in the first place. There's no trade involved in messages other than what they are - there's no chivalry in going along with what you don't want, neither are there any points for being a martyr. It should never be hard to say no if you feel that something is not for you, at *any* stage.

Wolf

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I really struge to tell people that I'm not interested, especially after a few emails and we're not on the same wave length, or they send me a pic.

Does any one else find this? "

Not really as I think its worse to keep someone hanging on with a vein home. Be nice but be honest and you shouldn't have too many problems. After all most people get rejected far more than the green light on here.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I completely understand what your saying, just find it hard to say no, just for the reason in not physically attracted to them.

I need to grow some balls lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yeah, we used too. We don't have the same concerns now though.

Quite often we'll have multiple social meets before deciding yes or no, and just because we've met a few times, a play meet isn't guaranteed.

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By *iles3659Man over a year ago

Stafford

Speaking as someone who has had more Nos than Cyrano de Bergerac they do hurt!

But they hurt a little less when people are honest.

Sorry - no men with beards. That's OK - it's my lifestyle choice.

Sorry - too old. Fair enough I have similar personal limits.

Sorry - I just don't fancy you. Difficult - but I feel the same about some people too.

Just No - or no response - or (like today) just mail deleted - hurts more.

People want some idea of why they've been turned down and something that assures them they haven't got things completely wrong - it's just a matter of personal taste.

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By *evilwolfCouple over a year ago

Leicestershire

"Speaking as someone who has had more Nos than Cyrano de Bergerac they do hurt!

But they hurt a little less when people are honest.

Sorry - no men with beards. That's OK - it's my lifestyle choice.

Sorry - too old. Fair enough I have similar personal limits.

Sorry - I just don't fancy you. Difficult - but I feel the same about some people too.

Just No - or no response - or (like today) just mail deleted - hurts more.

People want some idea of why they've been turned down and something that assures them they haven't got things completely wrong - it's just a matter of personal taste."

Don't you think that telling people why just opens up a pandora's box full of problems. Admittedly some want constructive critique to learn where they went wrong, but others usually develop a full mardy when they get told something they don't want to hear.

Wolf

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

i say no and dont give reasons why

if they ask i just wont answer

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

If we aren't happy to go further we usually say to couples "Sorry, we don't have a fourway attraction"

Singles could just say "Sorry, but there isn't a mutual attraction"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I completely understand what your saying, just find it hard to say no, just for the reason in not physically attracted to them.

I need to grow some balls lol "

Its harder after chatting to someone for a wile but then I think you owe them at least a no thanks but you don't need to give an explanation. Most will accept that and move on and those that don't are the ones you need to avoid anyway.

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By *arkstaffsMan over a year ago

Rugeley

If you arnt interested then you arnt interested. I'm always polite with people but I don't get into endless messages, I just move on, just as I expect someone to do if they are not interested in me.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Nope, I just tell them straight that Im not attracted in that way.

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman over a year ago

little house on the praire

If ive already been chatting to someone and then not interested i just say sorry your not what im looking for

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Its easier for us to say no than to say yes.

We have found its best to be upfront and tell the person straight to save wasting anyones time.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just No - or no response - or (like today) just mail deleted - hurts more.

People want some idea of why they've been turned down and something that assures them they haven't got things completely wrong."

I will give you a very honest answer to this but you might find it hard.

After spending 30 mins every time you log in you get a little fed up. Ok its theoretically the right thing to do but and its a big BUT. If you reply you get the why not and if you explain you get the "I can change that" followed by lots of persuasion. Meantime you can't answer the rest. At times messages come in quicker than you can reply. If it was compulsory to reply then I would simply leave the site and many others would.

So sadly the easy option is to delete without reply.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Simple for me really - no means no, not maybe - and I now no longer bother with trying to justify myself when I say no....we are all adults and if somone said no to me then that's their choice and I would never think of questioning them as to why ( had lot of that ;-( )...life is too short and this is after all, just a web site.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

oopp swrong icon....meant this lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

No, see its very easy to say

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By *iles3659Man over a year ago

Stafford

Yes - I accept that if you're not firm about it you run the risk of getting into a difficult conversation.

But the OP was having difficulty finding ways to say No and as far I'm concerned the least painful way to receive a No is when you get a reason that you can't do anything about!

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By *iles3659Man over a year ago

Stafford

To Darkthoughts

I wouldn't challenge anything you say.

And when I get a No I know not to ask why.

But when I get a "No because ..." it hurts less.

You don't have to continue any conversation after that.

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By *ittlemorespiceCouple over a year ago

North Cornwall

We say a polite no thanks and wish them well. If they are why I block them. Firstly I don't think I should have to have an excuse for not wanting sex with them and secondly there is mo good answer! After multiple messages and persuasion or rudeness we have found it the best way. I tell them that I won't chat or add without a picture as I don't want to lead them on. Works for us.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Ive had abuse hurled when i say thankyou for the mail, but no thankyou

most men just get arsey. Three men who said people like me dont belong on the site?

and some say take what you can ffs? lol..... wonder why im gay? lol.... now i laugh and report before i block them, let admin deal with them as im done with people like them, too many on here who cant handle the word NO ...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I don't reply to every message, it depends on the message I get, when I do I'm always super polite, thank them for their interest, but say they are not what I'm looking for.

I've only once had a twatty response, most are super polite back and glad of an answer.

I admit at times I just can't be arsed

but that's usualy down to a crappy uninspiring first contact.

Saying no is fine. Saying nothing is fine. It's all fine

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

if you do grow balls hunny remember to change your status lol xxx

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"if you do grow balls hunny remember to change your status lol xxx

Ha ha! Yep sure will do x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Nope, never an issue, I block if they do not get the hint when I ask which part of "NO" they do not understand.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

xxxxxx lol xxxxxx just try not to feel bad saying no hunny theres no point if theres no attraction x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Ive had abuse hurled when i say thankyou for the mail, but no thankyou

most men just get arsey. Three men who said people like me dont belong on the site?

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By *iles3659Man over a year ago

Stafford

No ... it's an ignorant rejected person thing!

I don't want to be tarred with the same brush!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

(Sadly) if a woman has problems saying "nO" then she will suffer from perpetually sore bits.... It is nice to be polite but you have to say no and the individual that receives a no must get over it withput being arsey...

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By *phroditeWoman over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

I see being told "no" on a swingsite not as a rejection - I also think that to feel rejected has more to do with the rejectee's view of him/ herself?

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By *he_original_poloWoman over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

I have no problem not replying and just deleting first messages.

I do understand and agree it is a bit different when you have exchanged a few messages and then discover something which makes your mind up that it's a no thanks. In these instances I do reply and try to put a closure statement on the end of the no thanks... that is one which wishes them well as they move on and continue their search for fun.

If they try to keep replying to change my mind I don't even bother reading the mail, it just gets deleted.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I do sometimes feel bit like that, only you cant like everyone, better to be honest and just say that there not really your type, even though you might like them a bit. Just because someone sends you lots of nice friendly messages, doesnt mean they are nice people and they are worth meeting.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Speaking as someone who has had more Nos than Cyrano de Bergerac they do hurt!

But they hurt a little less when people are honest.

Sorry - no men with beards. That's OK - it's my lifestyle choice.

Sorry - too old. Fair enough I have similar personal limits.

Sorry - I just don't fancy you. Difficult - but I feel the same about some people too.

Just No - or no response - or (like today) just mail deleted - hurts more.

People want some idea of why they've been turned down and something that assures them they haven't got things completely wrong - it's just a matter of personal taste.

Wolf

And god do I find the ones that develop full mardies lol - dummy spitting and tantrum throwing aint wot its supposed to be about on a polite no thank u lol

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By *phroditeWoman over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"I do sometimes feel bit like that, only you cant like everyone, better to be honest and just say that there not really your type, even though you might like them a bit. Just because someone sends you lots of nice friendly messages, doesnt mean they are nice people and they are worth meeting."
Absolutely - anybody can put anything into a message hoping to set the frame for a meet. I think in some ways, it takes time even on Fabs to get to know somebody sufficiently to work out if they are for you or not. I guess for that reason I tend not to play on first meet either...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

We were once contacted by a couple we had turned down and asked " is it because were too old?"

the truth was that yes, that was one of the main reasons - so we told them so.

we got the most foul mouthed abuse back from them it was terrible.

since then we refuse to go into detail and just say "sorry not for us", if they contact us again to ask why we refuse to get into conversation about it and just block.

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By *phroditeWoman over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

"We were once contacted by a couple we had turned down and asked " is it because were too old?"

the truth was that yes, that was one of the main reasons - so we told them so.

we got the most foul mouthed abuse back from them it was terrible.

since then we refuse to go into detail and just say "sorry not for us", if they contact us again to ask why we refuse to get into conversation about it and just block."

I have had that experience also on a different site, that we told the enquiring party the reason and a similar foul mouthed email arrived not just from them but also from some of their friends! In that case its a matter of just not responding or blocking I guess - and really the problem lies with people who cant take the polite no for an answer.

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By *nnie2009Couple over a year ago

Blackpool

i just say "thanks but you"re not what we are looking for"

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By *yrdwomanWoman over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum

Unfortunately there are a fair few people who are, shall we say, economical with the truth on their profiles, and the only way to get the truth is to exchange messages with them. So if their message catches my eye, I check their profile. If they state they can accommodate or live ina certain area, I'll reply. If I then find out that they can only accommodate for two hours in the afternoon of the first Tuesday after a full moon, or their location is wrong (sometimes by quite a few miles), then I have to say I'm sorry, but I can't meet them.

Life would be a lot easier if profiles were truthful, but they aren't always, unfortunately.

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By *emmefataleWoman over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

"I really struge to tell people that I'm not interested, especially after a few emails and we're not on the same wave length, or they send me a pic.

Does any one else find this? "
I have never struggled really although some dont take rejection well, this is why i dont reply in the first place if they are not suitable

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I really struge to tell people that I'm not interested, especially after a few emails and we're not on the same wave length, or they send me a pic.

Does any one else find this? I have never struggled really although some dont take rejection well, this is why i dont reply in the first place if they are not suitable

Sometimes no reply is the most appropriate response. Some send the same message to so many they couldn't cope if everyone replied.

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By *he_original_poloWoman over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Actually I have to admit to replying to a few of the people who have spat their dummy out.... never in anger or through being upset, after all if you look at what they are writing it is funny as feck really that they should be so wound up..... the devil in me sometimes just can't resist a tug at their chain, if they have tried to be offensive.

A simple "But you're still too ugly" seems to work best

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By *emmefataleWoman over a year ago

dirtybigbadsgirlville

"I really struge to tell people that I'm not interested, especially after a few emails and we're not on the same wave length, or they send me a pic.

Does any one else find this? I have never struggled really although some dont take rejection well, this is why i dont reply in the first place if they are not suitable

Sometimes no reply is the most appropriate response. Some send the same message to so many they couldn't cope if everyone replied. "
i hadnt thought of it like that, i just like to prevent the "why" message you tend to get in return

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I really struge to tell people that I'm not interested, especially after a few emails and we're not on the same wave length, or they send me a pic.

Does any one else find this? I have never struggled really although some dont take rejection well, this is why i dont reply in the first place if they are not suitable

Sometimes no reply is the most appropriate response. Some send the same message to so many they couldn't cope if everyone replied. i hadnt thought of it like that, i just like to prevent the "why" message you tend to get in return

If they ask why I may tell them although I nominally delete the 'why not's' as grasping at straws puts me off.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Actually I have to admit to replying to a few of the people who have spat their dummy out.... never in anger or through being upset, after all if you look at what they are writing it is funny as feck really that they should be so wound up..... the devil in me sometimes just can't resist a tug at their chain, if they have tried to be offensive.

A simple "But you're still too ugly" seems to work best

Then block or await the verbal onslaught?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I really struge to tell people that I'm not interested, especially after a few emails and we're not on the same wave length, or they send me a pic.

Does any one else find this? "
nope, no struggle..just bloke...oh yeah, be sure and active some of your 'message filters'.

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By *he_original_poloWoman over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

A simple "But you're still too ugly" seems to work best

Then block or await the verbal onslaught?"

Either.... you know the block will sting, but it can be more rewarding to actually see just how much you managed to pull their chain with one line.

In fact next time I might see how long I can keep sending a 2 word reply before they block me...... "still ugly"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Depends what the reason is really. If its something they have ignored on my profile (eg, a gay man asking if I want to be sucked, no strings) then I have no qualms in telling them no whatsoever.

If on the other hand it was from a lady that for some reason or other I found unnattractive but who otherwise fit the demograph requested on my profile it would be trickier. I think I would probably find some other reason for turning them down as the thought of hurting a lady's feelings or damaging their confidence would mortify me, but I would leave them in no doubt that a meet wasn't on the cards nevertheless.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

A simple "But you're still too ugly" seems to work best

Then block or await the verbal onslaught?

Either.... you know the block will sting, but it can be more rewarding to actually see just how much you managed to pull their chain with one line.

In fact next time I might see how long I can keep sending a 2 word reply before they block me...... "still ugly""

Its an interesting concept I may just try it myself and see what results it produces. In fairness though the biggest majority do accept a no but the ones who don't can be infuriating.

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By *he_original_poloWoman over a year ago

a Primark shoebox in Leicester

Its an interesting concept I may just try it myself and see what results it produces. In fairness though the biggest majority do accept a no but the ones who don't can be infuriating."

Never let them infuriate you... it means they won. It is after all why they send the offensive message.

Just think of how infuriated they are to have typed their bile and hate.... and smile as you imagine it.... knowing they got themselves all wound up for nothing

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Its an interesting concept I may just try it myself and see what results it produces. In fairness though the biggest majority do accept a no but the ones who don't can be infuriating.

Never let them infuriate you... it means they won. It is after all why they send the offensive message.

Just think of how infuriated they are to have typed their bile and hate.... and smile as you imagine it.... knowing they got themselves all wound up for nothing

Its the 'I can change' people who are the worst. Its almost like a desperation plea and there is nothing more of a turn off than desperation.

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By *phroditeWoman over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland

Its the 'I can change' people who are the worst. Its almost like a desperation plea and there is nothing more of a turn off than desperation. "

I so agree with you there - in a way not dissimilar to the feeling provoked by a message "I like mature women"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I really struge to tell people that I'm not interested, especially after a few emails and we're not on the same wave length, or they send me a pic.

Does any one else find this? "

No.

See? Easy!

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By *ittlemorespiceCouple over a year ago

North Cornwall

To be honest, I find it worse when we meet a guy for a social and decide we dont want to take things further. To keep it nice but firm (pardon the pun) is very hard (ok Ill stop now). They try to persuade, ask to meet again, dont want you to judge... they were nervous etc etc etc... Jeesh! I dont know how or why they do it. I would be mortified to think of myself behaving like that.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I am with you on this, sometimes I have met people that I knew from the face picture they had sent me, I really wasn't attracted to them but now I just say that I don't feel there is a mutual attraction. They are however getting less and less as lately I am getting either married and cheating, or just too far, so that is my excuse; 2 today that were nearly 2 hrs drive and really, were bored and wanting fun

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Ive had abuse hurled when i say thankyou for the mail, but no thankyou

most men just get arsey. Three men who said people like me dont belong on the site?

I wouldn't agree with the MOST men bit as the arsy ones are very much in the minority. Some do get frustrated but it is not even 1 in 50 mailing. I do have to say couples can be equally as bad along with bi females. Its not just a man thing its a rejected person thing. "
only going off my own experiance and i never block for the sake of it. M y block list tells a different story,... ive even gone over my block limit. Like i say its own personal experiance and its 90 percent single men on my block list for abuse and not takin no for an answer.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

not saying there all bad, ive friends on here of males, couples and single fems.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"(Sadly) if a woman has problems saying "nO" then she will suffer from perpetually sore bits.... It is nice to be polite but you have to say no and the individual that receives a no must get over it withput being arsey...

"
yes a agree, in clubs no thanks means just that and must be accepted, same should be on here too

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By *ibrosMan over a year ago

harrow

"I completely understand what your saying, just find it hard to say no, just for the reason in not physically attracted to them.

I need to grow some balls lol "

err. Don't do that!

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple over a year ago

hexham

"Depends what the reason is really. If its something they have ignored on my profile (eg, a gay man asking if I want to be sucked, no strings) then I have no qualms in telling them no whatsoever.

i have to agree here, i am apparently a myth, a bi women looking for 3 somes...however i am also far more picky with women than i am with men, and want a mental attraction, sexist, probably but i cant force my clit to tingle...so i do quite frequently get in the position of wondering how the hell i tell a couple i have no interest without hurting the woman

it would be easier if women of couples ever messaged me...but that seems even rarer than bi fems looking for cock and pussy

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Depends what the reason is really. If its something they have ignored on my profile (eg, a gay man asking if I want to be sucked, no strings) then I have no qualms in telling them no whatsoever.

it would be easier if women of couples ever messaged me...but that seems even rarer than bi fems looking for cock and pussy

I think its all the harder if its a lady that I have to break something to because apart from it being within my natural male instinct to feel protective of women the chances are it will have more chance of damaging her confidence as she will be a lot less prepared for rebuffal? To create an analogy,who would recover the more quickly from a punch to the jaw, a prizefighter who receives dozens during an average day at the office or an accountat who once in a blue moon receives one due to mistaken identity on a night out?

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By *emima_puddlefuckCouple over a year ago

hexham

"Depends what the reason is really. If its something they have ignored on my profile (eg, a gay man asking if I want to be sucked, no strings) then I have no qualms in telling them no whatsoever.

it would be easier if women of couples ever messaged me...but that seems even rarer than bi fems looking for cock and pussy

i think the analogy works,and also because the general attitude on here is any woman can pull, bollocks i think however, it might make a woman feel she must be awful if she is turned down here.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"I really struge to tell people that I'm not interested, especially after a few emails and we're not on the same wave length, or they send me a pic.

Does any one else find this? "

Don't get into lengthy conversations with anyone you a) don't fancy or b) aren't having a better than average chat with and definitely don't FLIRT before you know whether they fit your criteria for a meet and sex.

The rejected males cannot argue with themselves so my next bit of advice is don't snap back or try to justify yourself.

I don't get much abuse. I can't help thinking that it's cos I don't chat unless a) someone is drop dead gorgeous ( usually in a couple of messages I find they haven't a lot to offer and I close then ) or b) They are soooooo interesting to talk to that I wouldn't care if it was Quasimodo with fake verifications lying about being single and holding a miniature remote next to his miniscule cock.( I still don't meet for sex tho )

Have your stock answers ready from the start.

I always start with Thanks for your message but I am not able to meet this week......or sommat similar.

I'll risk the female backlash - let's face it I can't feel it from here - and say. A few friendly messages back and forth can feel like an enormous come on to an impatient hard on. No bloke calls his cock Einstein. They chat in the hope for sex. Say no early on. It prevents misleading.

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By *ranny-CrumpetWoman over a year ago

The Town by The Cross

"Depends what the reason is really. If its something they have ignored on my profile (eg, a gay man asking if I want to be sucked, no strings) then I have no qualms in telling them no whatsoever.

it would be easier if women of couples ever messaged me...but that seems even rarer than bi fems looking for cock and pussy

Sometimes I splutter me tea......

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By *aGaGagging for itCouple over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

It seems that there are two elements to this issue.

The first is the rejection bit. People should realise that being on the site and / or sending a message doesn't guarantee a meet, so if they can't take a rejection they shouldn't message in the first place. Additionally, the overriding rule in swinging is that 'no means no', whether in a club / party or other meet. It equally applies to messages and if a person will not respect a 'no' to a message, how would they respeond to a 'no' on a meet?

The second element seems to be how to deliver a 'no'. Each to their own - some are so fed up with persistence that they have learnt not to reply or give justification, or maybe just block. Others don't mind giving a 'no' reply, or some justification. Message senders should be respectful of the receiver's decision, whether a reply is given or not. Maybe part of not sending a reply is that some find it difficult to know what to say, perhaps without offending. This got me thinking and initially I thought that maybe there could be a standard reply suggested by the site that could be used. Then I thought,if I was asked by the site to come up with a standard reply, what would I say and maybe we (i.e. us) should use that, which might make it easier - any thoughts?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It seems that there are two elements to this issue.

Perhaps if the site were to automatically generate a standard generic reply that would read something like "Thank you for showing an interest in my/our profile, but you are not what i/we are looking for on this occasion. Many thanks and good luck with your search!"

This standard reply could be generated automatically after a set period of time unanswered, this time limit could be altered by the user, using a filter?

Personally I wouldn't give much of a monkeys if anyone could reply with a "no thanks" or not, but there seem to be a lot of users who clamour frantically to receive such a message, so it would leave them a lot happier with no effort on behalf of the sender? Just an idea!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I really struge to tell people that I'm not interested, especially after a few emails and we're not on the same wave length, or they send me a pic.

Does any one else find this? "

No! if not interested will say no well before it comes to message tennis! simples

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