FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > How to salvage a reputation?

How to salvage a reputation?

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

How do you turn a bad reputation around? I understand I have one for being miserable, unfriendly and unapproachable. As a result, people don't want to talk to me, which results in me being miserable and coming across add unfriendly and unapproachable. How to break the cycle?

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By *abulously curiousCouple over a year ago

manchester

Smile

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"How do you turn a bad reputation around? I understand I have one for being miserable, unfriendly and unapproachable. As a result, people don't want to talk to me, which results in me being miserable and coming across add unfriendly and unapproachable. How to break the cycle?"

Find new people who dont know you.

Humans are a renewable resource

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By *ce WingerMan over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

One of my mates hung the local Copper's pushbike from a bridge on the A38, it didn't break it, but it was fun though

Honestly OP, I've not noticed anything malevolent in any of your posts, just join in with the fun and enjoy yourself

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Rule number one is never refer to yourself as miserable unfriendly or unapproachable.

My background is Jamaican, in our culture we don't "beg friends" growing up with that mentality as an adult it's been harder to make friends.

Over the last two weeks I've made an effort to learn all the guys names that I play basketball with. Now I call them by those names. Lol.

I also learned to juggle, as it's incredibly fucking difficult not be friendly and juggle, it makes kids smile at you.

There's multiple ways but admitting you'd like to change is the first step.

Be lucky mate!

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By *ottyNStripes30Couple over a year ago

Oakham

"Rule number one is never refer to yourself as miserable unfriendly or unapproachable.

My background is Jamaican, in our culture we don't "beg friends" growing up with that mentality as an adult it's been harder to make friends.

Over the last two weeks I've made an effort to learn all the guys names that I play basketball with. Now I call them by those names. Lol.

I also learned to juggle, as it's incredibly fucking difficult not be friendly and juggle, it makes kids smile at you.

There's multiple ways but admitting you'd like to change is the first step.

Be lucky mate! "

Love this

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By *ce WingerMan over a year ago

P.O. Box DE1 0NQ

Over the last two weeks I've made an effort to learn all the guys names that I play basketball with. Now I call them by those names."

Is one of them called Meadowlark Lemon?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Over the last two weeks I've made an effort to learn all the guys names that I play basketball with. Now I call them by those names.

Is one of them called Meadowlark Lemon?

"
By the time he's said that he's been dunked 3 times, and it's been done by entry between his legs! So hopefully not!

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By *tephTV67TV/TS over a year ago

Cheshire

"Rule number one is never refer to yourself as miserable unfriendly or unapproachable.

My background is Jamaican, in our culture we don't "beg friends" growing up with that mentality as an adult it's been harder to make friends.

Over the last two weeks I've made an effort to learn all the guys names that I play basketball with. Now I call them by those names. Lol.

I also learned to juggle, as it's incredibly fucking difficult not be friendly and juggle, it makes kids smile at you.

There's multiple ways but admitting you'd like to change is the first step.

Be lucky mate! "

One of the best replies to a question I’ve read on these forums....I couldn’t juggle though

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Totally. These forums are generally idiots with hard ons IMO. But^^was a great post. Happy I was still up to see it.

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By *osie xWoman over a year ago

wolverhampton

Maybe meet people who are funny and happy in their outlook, it may rub off on you.

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman over a year ago

evesham

Just stick at it And accept it won't change over night. Get to done socials and talk to people there. Not all of them will be in the forums so may not have a pre conceived idea if you

I didn't think you were miserable when I met you at Heathrow

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Rule number one is never refer to yourself as miserable unfriendly or unapproachable.

My background is Jamaican, in our culture we don't "beg friends" growing up with that mentality as an adult it's been harder to make friends.

Over the last two weeks I've made an effort to learn all the guys names that I play basketball with. Now I call them by those names. Lol.

I also learned to juggle, as it's incredibly fucking difficult not be friendly and juggle, it makes kids smile at you.

There's multiple ways but admitting you'd like to change is the first step.

Be lucky mate! "

Brilliant.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Find new people who dont know you.

Humans are a renewable resource"

I've never noticed you being unfriendly OP. You seem down on yourself but other people can make you that way.

It's likely them, not you.

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By *ydnNancyCouple over a year ago

Basingstoke

Find new people who dont know you.

Humans are a renewable resource"

This

This thread also probably isn’t helping...there’s something to be said about airing your laundry and announcing a change but it’s less about words and more about action.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I didn’t think you were unfriendly, just unsure how to carry on a conversation. That might have been lack of confidence. Hopefully you’ll get to more socials and that will get better x

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By *SAchickWoman over a year ago

Hillside desolate

"Rule number one is never refer to yourself as miserable unfriendly or unapproachable.

My background is Jamaican, in our culture we don't "beg friends" growing up with that mentality as an adult it's been harder to make friends.

Over the last two weeks I've made an effort to learn all the guys names that I play basketball with. Now I call them by those names. Lol.

I also learned to juggle, as it's incredibly fucking difficult not be friendly and juggle, it makes kids smile at you.

There's multiple ways but admitting you'd like to change is the first step.

Be lucky mate! "

What brilliant constructive advice

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Rule number one is never refer to yourself as miserable unfriendly or unapproachable.

My background is Jamaican, in our culture we don't "beg friends" growing up with that mentality as an adult it's been harder to make friends.

Over the last two weeks I've made an effort to learn all the guys names that I play basketball with. Now I call them by those names. Lol.

I also learned to juggle, as it's incredibly fucking difficult not be friendly and juggle, it makes kids smile at you.

There's multiple ways but admitting you'd like to change is the first step.

Be lucky mate! "

Absolutely fantastic! Love it and I'll smile all day now

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Smile,,,be polite,,,do random acts of kindness,,you'll find yourself being popular,,,,,you reap what you sow.

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By *a LunaWoman over a year ago

South Wales

I always thought you exceptionally dry humoured and self deprecating rather than actually being miserable.

I’d approach you. Whether you wanted me to or not!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think that’s your interpretation of yourself OP, more than what others think of you.

My advice, stop referring to yourself that way, I think it’s really easy to convince ourselves we are a certain way and that’s it for life!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You know what I think? I may be wrong (I know, I know, it doesn't happen often)

I think the "misery guts" side (which I don't really think is as prevalent as you may believe) is your "safe place"

I think you have become so used to that style and side of posting that it's your comfortable area.

You do have a humorous side which I've seen on occasion, but it's generally hidden in amongst the self deprecation.

Don't be afraid to change your posting style. You aren't a bad person at all, I feel you have just been lost in a comfort that is self destructive and defensive

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I’ve actually seen a difference in your recent postings- keep doing what you’ve started doing and it will become a habit

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I’ve actually seen a difference in your recent postings- keep doing what you’ve started doing and it will become a habit

Yes Doc

I just said I've seen a humorous side. I thought I could sense someone trying to break free of the old shackles so yaaaaaaay!

There ya go QK, Doc has seen an awakening too.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Also..... I cannot have imagined you asking this question 6 months ago, so you're already making changes without even realising it.

Proud of you.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I’ve actually seen a difference in your recent postings- keep doing what you’ve started doing and it will become a habit

Yes Doc

I just said I've seen a humorous side. I thought I could sense someone trying to break free of the old shackles so yaaaaaaay!

There ya go QK, Doc has seen an awakening too.

I didn’t see your post while I was typing mine. You clearly know the OP better than me, but I’d sensed a difference recently and your post backs that up.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I’ve actually seen a difference in your recent postings- keep doing what you’ve started doing and it will become a habit

Yes Doc

I just said I've seen a humorous side. I thought I could sense someone trying to break free of the old shackles so yaaaaaaay!

There ya go QK, Doc has seen an awakening too.

I didn’t see your post while I was typing mine. You clearly know the OP better than me, but I’d sensed a difference recently and your post backs that up."

In fact I didn’t read any of the rest of the thread - I just responded to the OP.

Change your mind about yourself, your behaviour will follow and the effect you have on others will change too.

We all have times of self doubt, I’ve had two recently relating to my sexual confidence, but with challenges from a couple of friends who noticed my wobble and cared enough to kick my butt about it, I’m thinking differently about it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Humans are a renewable resource"

... this has to be one of the scariest ways of saying “meet new people and create a new first impression”

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Why do you even think you have a bad reputation...

Might seem a silly question, but often how we see ourselves is what we project to others.

A suggestion, hope it might help.

Try to look at life in a different way. It's not easy to change how we think of ourselves. But a simple example. Take that " bad reputation", and rather than just defaulting to that thought, pick out and concentrate on one positive thing you feel good about. Maybe something as simple as just putting a couple of quid in a charity tin, or something that made you smile. Concentrate on that thought and see if you then feel different.

It's slow takes time may feel a bit mechanical at first... but each time you do it, it will over tone change how you see yourself.

Btw, I've never thought you have a bad reputation, just a dry sometime wry view of the world...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"You know what I think? I may be wrong (I know, I know, it doesn't happen often)

I think the "misery guts" side (which I don't really think is as prevalent as you may believe) is your "safe place"

I think you have become so used to that style and side of posting that it's your comfortable area.

You do have a humorous side which I've seen on occasion, but it's generally hidden in amongst the self deprecation.

Don't be afraid to change your posting style. You aren't a bad person at all, I feel you have just been lost in a comfort that is self destructive and defensive

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Humans are a renewable resource

... this has to be one of the scariest ways of saying “meet new people and create a new first impression”

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Put on a cute hat!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Humans are a renewable resource

... this has to be one of the scariest ways of saying “meet new people and create a new first impression”

I like my way better

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Just stick at it And accept it won't change over night. Get to done socials and talk to people there. Not all of them will be in the forums so may not have a pre conceived idea if you

I didn't think you were miserable when I met you at Heathrow

It's not just forum people who have that idea. It seems that a lot of people who have seen me at socials or clubs, people I thought hadn't even noticed I exist, have this opinion, and aren't shy about spreading it around.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Why do you even think you have a bad reputation...

Might seem a silly question, but often how we see ourselves is what we project to others.

A suggestion, hope it might help.

It's slow takes time may feel a bit mechanical at first... but each time you do it, it will over tone change how you see yourself.

Btw, I've never thought you have a bad reputation, just a dry sometime wry view of the world..."

I think I have a bad rep because I've been told I do, to my face and on Fab, by multiple people.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I didn’t think you were unfriendly, just unsure how to carry on a conversation. That might have been lack of confidence. Hopefully you’ll get to more socials and that will get better x "

Socials are becoming nearly impossible. I was outright told not to go back to one for saying I hadn't enjoyed it, blanked repeatedly by the organisers of another. I'll never go to another STP after the shit flung at me at the last one I attended. There aren't a lot of options left.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Why do you even think you have a bad reputation...

Might seem a silly question, but often how we see ourselves is what we project to others.

A suggestion, hope it might help.

It's slow takes time may feel a bit mechanical at first... but each time you do it, it will over tone change how you see yourself.

Btw, I've never thought you have a bad reputation, just a dry sometime wry view of the world...

I think I have a bad rep because I've been told I do, to my face and on Fab, by multiple people."

Dont believe what others think of you. They dont know you as well as you know you.

We can all change, if we want to. We all do, just a little every single day.

But only you can change you.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"How do you turn a bad reputation around? I understand I have one for being miserable, unfriendly and unapproachable. As a result, people don't want to talk to me"

I can't stand people who just come on here to brag. I've been trying that act since of being on here and although I've had a fair bit of success, there's still one or two people who talk to me.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I've

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"How do you turn a bad reputation around? I understand I have one for being miserable, unfriendly and unapproachable. As a result, people don't want to talk to me

I can't stand people who just come on here to brag. I've been trying that act since of being on here and although I've had a fair bit of success, there's still one or two people who talk to me."

Well, that's helpful...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Always look on the bright side of life, that song will be in my head all day now...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"How do you turn a bad reputation around? I understand I have one for being miserable, unfriendly and unapproachable. As a result, people don't want to talk to me

I can't stand people who just come on here to brag. I've been trying that act since of being on here and although I've had a fair bit of success, there's still one or two people who talk to me.

Well, that's helpful..."

Miserable and unapproachable, you say?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I didn’t think you were unfriendly, just unsure how to carry on a conversation. That might have been lack of confidence. Hopefully you’ll get to more socials and that will get better x

Ouch. I see compassion was flowing freely.

I’m going to make a challenge to you. You can be the bus driver in your own life or others who are merely passengers for a very small part of that journey can be. The choice is yours. However I sense you want to drive your own bus right now. Please feel free to message me at anytime if you would like to chat.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I didn’t think you were unfriendly, just unsure how to carry on a conversation. That might have been lack of confidence. Hopefully you’ll get to more socials and that will get better x

Why didnt you enjoy it

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

You need to mix with a different bunch of people then. Winnie the pooh type of people. They always included eyore in everything even when he was feeling sad and unloved. Its just finding your Hundred acre wood crowd. Which admittedly is the hard bit.

I think Peach has it spot on. X

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By *a LunaWoman over a year ago

South Wales

"You need to mix with a different bunch of people then. Winnie the pooh type of people. They always included eyore in everything even when he was feeling sad and unloved. Its just finding your Hundred acre wood crowd. Which admittedly is the hard bit.

I think Peach has it spot on. X "

This (and what Peach said)

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I didn’t think you were unfriendly, just unsure how to carry on a conversation. That might have been lack of confidence. Hopefully you’ll get to more socials and that will get better x

Why didnt you enjoy it"

It's hard to enjoy a 'social' when you get actively ignored by everyone you try to talk to, to the point of people forming a solid circle with you outside it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I think Peach has it spot on. X "

I love that!

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By *den-Valley-coupleCouple over a year ago

Cumbria

[Removed by poster at 26/04/19 12:45:35]

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By *den-Valley-coupleCouple over a year ago

Cumbria

Find some interest join that group don't be an a****** forget the people that didn't know you in the first place.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do people you know 'in real life' think of you? Work colleagues, friends, neighbours etc.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I think Peach has it spot on. X "

I've been trying. Within the swinging world it's pretty much impossible. I thought I was getting there with a real-world group of people, but it turned out I was just being tolerated and they didn't really want me around.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

What do people you know 'in real life' think of you? Work colleagues, friends, neighbours etc."

I don't have much in the way of real friends, and none of them live nearby so I rarely get to see them. Work colleagues seem to find me tolerable, at least.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

And apparently this is my own fault for being toxic and negative.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Do you mean on fab or in life in general?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Do you mean on fab or in life in general? "

You mean me being toxic?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Only browsed the tread but it seems you asked for advice and have just been negative and dismissive to the responses and what started as a request for help has evolved in to yet another woe is me, nobody likes me, I can't do anything about it whine.

And that's your problem. Honestly I see a lot of similarities in you with me but I genuinely don't know what advice I can give. I'm not one of the popular forumites, never gave been, never will be, I'm socially awkward and on occasions agrophobic. But I focus on those that get me rather than those that really don't

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

just be yerself,,fuck everyone else

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By *itty9899Man over a year ago

Craggy Island

buy the first round.

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By *he Mac LassWoman over a year ago

Hefty Hideaway

"just be yerself,,fuck everyone else

Abso bloody lutely!!

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By *iamondsmiles.Woman over a year ago

little house on the praire

ive tried to talk to you a couple of times and you ignored me

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Only browsed the tread but it seems you asked for advice and have just been negative and dismissive to the responses and what started as a request for help has evolved in to yet another woe is me, nobody likes me, I can't do anything about it whine.

Some do get you. You don't post as much as you used to but you were definitely 'loved'. I remember sitting outside Jaydees at SOTB & Hottie's forum bash and someone said "oh there's (your old profile name)" and loads of people went "ooooh!" and rushed over to talk to you because they'd wanted to meet you in person.

OP maybe you're the same. Maybe you don't realise that some people do like you. Or your negativity pushes them away- you expect them to not like you and they subconsciously pick up on that and it makes them wary. Lots of people on this thread have said they like you/ your posts. It's certainly not full of people saying they hate you.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Yes I know some get me, not sure about loved though! I have always very much believed that I'd rather be liked by 10 people for being me than by 100 for being some awful sanitised popularity seeking version of me. That said the people closest to me regularly tell me I'm more liked than I ever realise so maybe you are right!

OP I apologise for derailing your thread slightly but maybe you can learn from what I've just said. Be yourself and focus on those that like you. And don't be so hard on yourself thinking people don't like you

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By *iss.RedWoman over a year ago

somewhere

Get yourself to the next Lounge social. It's always a friendly atmosphere

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By *uzukiNo1Woman over a year ago

Rhyl

Read your profile you say your having a mental health problem, ok take time out to re group maybe, depression needs addressing see your doc.....I'm not saying there's a magic pill just talk to someone that understands it, life shouldn't revolve around fab, I think you need more you time and learn to find your smile again...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Maybe leave and re join with a different attitude to the way you have been to some people via this profile ?

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By *ophieslutTV/TS over a year ago

Central

One step at a time. People remember the most recent experience, largely forgetting most of the previous ones.

So start afresh and behave as you wish. Actions speak louder than words, do don't discuss it, just be the new you. Fake it, if uncertain - you'll get more experience from having tried it differently than if you hadn't. It's just behavior, it's not who you are. Keep at it.

People will comment between themselves, helping to grow the picture.

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By *icketysplitsWoman over a year ago

Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound

OP, I'm going to be brutal as reading this thread it looks like you are doing what I have seen you do at socials.

Someone said that you are going to a 'safe place' and I think that is true. I believe you have had a depression and you're probably doing what many of us do by batting away the good comments and focussing on the bits that support your world view.

Go to another social but just do three things in a different way:

1. Force yourself to go up and speak to people (if Stingly can get away with it, so can you.

2. That means no more sitting in a corner and hoping someone will come and tell you that you are wonderful. Conversation needs more than one person doing the talking.

3. Don't drink so much. I know it might make it feel easier to socialise but it appears to make you maudlin and negative.

Just give that a try. It moves you out of your comfort zone but you have nothing to lose.

Good luck.

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By *elvet RopeMan over a year ago

by the big field

Grow the most impressive pair of tits the forum ever saw- everyone loves boobies!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

What do people you know 'in real life' think of you? Work colleagues, friends, neighbours etc.

I don't have much in the way of real friends, and none of them live nearby so I rarely get to see them. Work colleagues seem to find me tolerable, at least."

Okay, well that’s a starting place

Is there a chance to socialise at work? If not is there a common interest shared with anyone that could be developed?

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

Talk to your doctor it probably runs deeper than you think

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I hope I haven't been dismissive, but I'll admit to being negative. That's become my automatic reaction, one that I'm trying to break but I'm not there yet.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Just a stab in the dark but be less of a cunt and more nice???

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

You're right, I don't realise that people like me. I just don't see it, and I don't know if that's because I don't recognise it or because it's not there - I'm speaking generally, not just about the forum here.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

No worries, I appreciate your comments.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Get yourself to the next Lounge social. It's always a friendly atmosphere "

If I ever knew when they were happening in time to get on the list, I might, depending on location.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Read your profile you say your having a mental health problem, ok take time out to re group maybe, depression needs addressing see your doc.....I'm not saying there's a magic pill just talk to someone that understands it, life shouldn't revolve around fab, I think you need more you time and learn to find your smile again..."

It's being addressed. I've done CBT and I'm working on implementing what I've learned, this thread is part of it, and I'm on antidepressants.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Just a stab in the dark but be less of a cunt and more nice??? "

This is no time for faux compassion.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"OP, I'm going to be brutal as reading this thread it looks like you are doing what I have seen you do at socials.

Go to another social but just do three things in a different way:

1. Force yourself to go up and speak to people (if Stingly can get away with it, so can you.

2. That means no more sitting in a corner and hoping someone will come and tell you that you are wonderful. Conversation needs more than one person doing the talking.

3. Don't drink so much. I know it might make it feel easier to socialise but it appears to make you maudlin and negative.

Just give that a try. It moves you out of your comfort zone but you have nothing to lose.

Good luck.

Well, thanks for your honesty Lickety. I'd like to respond in kind.

It's not a "safe space". It's where I live. I've been like this for so long I've forgotten what it's like to feel any other way, and I can't fake it for long.

I have repeatedly approached people at socials and clubs only to be ignored or dismissed with a cursory response, often by the same people who've then berated me for not talking to people. When that happens again and again, you learn that people don't want you approaching them.

I don't drink at socials unless I'm staying the night, which I've only done three times and never at one you've been at. Those pints you've seen me sinking? Diet Coke, every time, because I'm driving. I made the mistake at an event once, where I didn't expect to leave until 3am, of having a couple of drinks early on and then got trapped there - I wantes to keave, but had to wait until I was sure I was ok to drive. No I don't touch alcohol at all if I'm driving home.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

What do people you know 'in real life' think of you? Work colleagues, friends, neighbours etc.

I don't have much in the way of real friends, and none of them live nearby so I rarely get to see them. Work colleagues seem to find me tolerable, at least.

Okay, well that’s a starting place

Is there a chance to socialise at work? If not is there a common interest shared with anyone that could be developed?"

I socialise where I can. I'm usuakly at the pub with some of my colleagues Friday lunchtimes, but that's the extent of it. I've been there for years, no one's ever shown any sign of wanting to socialise with me beyond that.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Talk to your doctor it probably runs deeper than you think"

Already done (see above).

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Seriously now; I've never noticed you being unpleasant to people but the banter on the 'hob' thread just shows that you have got a lighter, thicker skinned side to you that can give as good as it takes, in a humorous fashion.

Maybe you just dwell too much? Fuck the world and crack on doing what you do.

(unless it's post No 175!)

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By *layfullsamMan over a year ago

Solihull

What are your hobbies out side of work, what did you like when you were younger It could be anything like fishing, photography, darts, train sets just about anything !

Find a club and join that so you at least share common ground with other members and it's 10x easier to talk.

Think about coming off fab until you're in a happier place, if you're getting constant rejection it's not good for the mind unless your tough and can shrug it off.

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