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Jokes

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By (user no longer on site) OP     over a year ago

What’s the best joke you have heard today?

Mine is..

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently a meal for 2 with a hairy view is not correct for 69!

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By *SAchickWoman  over a year ago

Hillside desolate

I've not heard any jokes today

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By *cousesubsallyWoman  over a year ago

Somewhere out there


"What’s the best joke you have heard today?

Mine is..

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently a meal for 2 with a hairy view is not correct for 69!"

That’s the only one I’ve heard today so you win

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

A white chav and black chav jump off Beachy Head, who wins? Society

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What's E.T short for?

Cos he's got little legs!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Two fish in a tank and one says how do you drive this thing?

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"What's E.T short for?

Cos he's got little legs!!!!! "

Hahaha, like it

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What do you call a blind deer?

No idea

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?

Still no idea

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

What do you call a dinosaur with haemarhoids?

Itchysaurus

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By *picknspanMan  over a year ago

North West Leeds

Bloke goes into a pet shop and asks to buy a wasp. Woman behind the counter says we don't sell wasps.

Bloke says but you've got one in the window!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago


"What's E.T short for?

Cos he's got little legs!!!!!

Hahaha, like it"

You can have that one for free

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

My week....

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very

much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, honeybunch asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She went and opened the door to the refrigerator

and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from12 different

countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the

only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...

but at the bar..you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,

'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?'

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer,

so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those

hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes

of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps,pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey.. At th e bar... You know...there's swearing,

dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and

eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going

anywhere! Got it, A**hole?'

.......and so he stayed home............

........and, they lived happily ever after...

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By *xperimentalistMan  over a year ago

East Yorkshire

If a clown farts does it smell funny?

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By *xperimentalistMan  over a year ago

East Yorkshire


"What do you call a blind deer?

No idea

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?

Still no idea"

What do you call a blind deer with no legs and no penis?

Still no fucking idea!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

A man is walking the strip in Vegas when a fantastic looking hooker catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks, "How Much?"

The hooker replies, "I start at $500 for a hand job."

The man says, "$500 for a hand job? Holy crap, no hand job is worth that kind of money."

The hooker says, "You see that KFC on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the McDonald's in the next block?"

"Yes."

"And do you see the Wendy's across the street?"

"Yes."

"Well," said the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own all those, and I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."

They go to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just had the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He's so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow job is $1000."

The hooker says, "No, $1500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"

The hooker replies, "Step over to the window. Do you see those two casinos across the street? Well, I own those, and I own them because I give blow jobs that are worth every cent of $1500."

The guy, still reeling from the terrific hand job, decides to put off buying a new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."

Fifteen minutes later, he's sitting on the edge of the bed, more amazed than before. He can hardly believe it, but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

Deciding to go for broke, he asks, "So, how much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come back over to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us? All those casinos, with the beautiful lights, the gaming, the showgirls?"

Damn!" says the guy in awe. "You own the whole city?"

The hooker says, "No. But I would... If I had a pussy!"

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

I bought a new satnav that is really good. Yesterday I drove past a zoo and it said bear left

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By *lutandhubbyCouple  over a year ago

west midlands

The Pope is handing out miracles to sick children in Liverpool.Billy walks on stage and asks, "Can you help with my hearing?" The Pope says, "Yes" & puts his hands on Billy's ears then prays, removes his hands, and says, "How is your hearing now?" Billy says "I don't know, its not 'til next Wednesday"

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

The difference between a fridge and a vagina?

The fridge doesn't make a noise when you pull the meat out.

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By *he machinistMan  over a year ago

Stoke


"The Pope is handing out miracles to sick children in Liverpool.Billy walks on stage and asks, "Can you help with my hearing?" The Pope says, "Yes" & puts his hands on Billy's ears then prays, removes his hands, and says, "How is your hearing now?" Billy says "I don't know, its not 'til next Wednesday" "
.

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By *ympho7Couple  over a year ago

swansea

I said to my new bride,, I must confess I was once arrested for petty theft, she said as long as thats in the past, no harm done, then she said, I must confess too, I used to be a hooker, I said as long as thats in the past no harm done, she then said, I always preferred to play on the wing!

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By (user no longer on site)  over a year ago

Advice please, I have accidentally taken my cats medication instead of mine. Don't ask me ow

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