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I want to be a dom
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I always find this hard to comprehend. I think being sub or Dom is innate, it can't really be taught.
I get that maybe you want help with scenarios etc but part of the pleasure is finding someone to explore with and learn together which is why I think most people with experience want the same.
Those looking to "train" inexperienced people tend to be looking for submissive people. |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Id love to be a dom but I'd like a couple or woman to teach me and help me explore my fantasy.but it seems people want to meet a experienced dom can anyone help xx"
Why do you want to be a dom?
This is the first thing that you should ask yourself.
No one is born a Dom or a sub but they do possess certain characteristics that lend them to be such or maybe not at all. It's perfectly possible and acceptable that you're not disposed to either.
I would say though that being a Dom is not about aggressive or rough sex, it is however something that you can get very very wrong and it can hurt people emotionally and physically if you don't know what you're doing.
Think long and hard about why you want to be one then read, talk and read some more before you go anywhere near another person naked |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I always find this hard to comprehend. I think being sub or Dom is innate, it can't really be taught.
I get that maybe you want help with scenarios etc but part of the pleasure is finding someone to explore with and learn together which is why I think most people with experience want the same.
Those looking to "train" inexperienced people tend to be looking for submissive people. "
I agree, I think it's something that you discover about yourself over time and explore with a partner.
Unfortunately a lot of people after 50 shades have decided to just adopt the name without knowing what it actually means or entails. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I always find this hard to comprehend. I think being sub or Dom is innate, it can't really be taught.
I get that maybe you want help with scenarios etc but part of the pleasure is finding someone to explore with and learn together which is why I think most people with experience want the same.
Those looking to "train" inexperienced people tend to be looking for submissive people.
I agree, I think it's something that you discover about yourself over time and explore with a partner.
Unfortunately a lot of people after 50 shades have decided to just adopt the name without knowing what it actually means or entails. "
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I'm somewhat inclined to think that a tendency towards domination or submission is innate in those who feel it. But how to act on that: the answer is carefully. Probably ideally through lots of reading, attending munches, watching demos, taking classes. Dry perhaps, but necessary for everyone's safety. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I always find this hard to comprehend. I think being sub or Dom is innate, it can't really be taught.
I get that maybe you want help with scenarios etc but part of the pleasure is finding someone to explore with and learn together which is why I think most people with experience want the same.
Those looking to "train" inexperienced people tend to be looking for submissive people.
I agree, I think it's something that you discover about yourself over time and explore with a partner.
Unfortunately a lot of people after 50 shades have decided to just adopt the name without knowing what it actually means or entails.
"
This |
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By *irthandgirthMan
over a year ago
Camberley occasionally doncaster |
"Id love to be a dom but I'd like a couple or woman to teach me and help me explore my fantasy.but it seems people want to meet a experienced dom can anyone help xx"
You are either Dom or not. If you just want to be a Dom look at yourself first. Ask yourself why you want to do it. If you just like the aesthetic then you aren't a Dom. If you like the feeling of power, then tread carefully, there is a distinction between being a wannabe Dom or just a sexual bully. Remember it isn't you taking power from a sub, it's the sub giving you power within guidelines. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I always find this hard to comprehend. I think being sub or Dom is innate, it can't really be taught.
I get that maybe you want help with scenarios etc but part of the pleasure is finding someone to explore with and learn together which is why I think most people with experience want the same.
Those looking to "train" inexperienced people tend to be looking for submissive people. "
I dissagre. You can have the innate desire to be a dom but there is a lot to learn in terms of technique safety etc. But a lot of it is personal style.
Give me somone who wants an elaborate scene where they're tied up and I'm in total control and i have no idea what to do. Given the choice to do anything i often do noyhing.
Bur give me somone who prefers a more physical domination of rpugh passion, manhandling and being pinned down rarher than restrained and I'm in my element.
Pinning somone down while exploring them where communication maybe nothing more than grows, grins and eye contact is innate to me.
Tying somone up and talking dirty to them while i hit them with some pos faux leather flogger all ill do is giggle |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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But op i will warn you without reading the other posts on here beyond rubys bdsm world is full of gatekeeping assholes.
You will be told you csnt be cyz you must be abc by every cunt going.
Get to some munchies find a sub you get on with and are compatable with and explore for yourselves.
Just stick to cuffs over ropes untill you learn non self tightening knots when youre both carried away circulation issues csn creep up (in general cuffs are just easier anyway unless they like the buold up of rope.play) |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I always find this hard to comprehend. I think being sub or Dom is innate, it can't really be taught.
I get that maybe you want help with scenarios etc but part of the pleasure is finding someone to explore with and learn together which is why I think most people with experience want the same.
Those looking to "train" inexperienced people tend to be looking for submissive people.
I dissagre. You can have the innate desire to be a dom but there is a lot to learn in terms of technique safety etc. But a lot of it is personal style.
Give me somone who wants an elaborate scene where they're tied up and I'm in total control and i have no idea what to do. Given the choice to do anything i often do noyhing.
Bur give me somone who prefers a more physical domination of rpugh passion, manhandling and being pinned down rarher than restrained and I'm in my element.
Pinning somone down while exploring them where communication maybe nothing more than grows, grins and eye contact is innate to me.
Tying somone up and talking dirty to them while i hit them with some pos faux leather flogger all ill do is giggle"
I understand what you're saying but whilst what you're describing is physical dominance, that's not dominating someone. Being rough and manhandling someone is kind of what dominance isn't. I think that's where a lot of people get things wrong. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I always find this hard to comprehend. I think being sub or Dom is innate, it can't really be taught.
I get that maybe you want help with scenarios etc but part of the pleasure is finding someone to explore with and learn together which is why I think most people with experience want the same.
Those looking to "train" inexperienced people tend to be looking for submissive people.
I dissagre. You can have the innate desire to be a dom but there is a lot to learn in terms of technique safety etc. But a lot of it is personal style.
Give me somone who wants an elaborate scene where they're tied up and I'm in total control and i have no idea what to do. Given the choice to do anything i often do noyhing.
Bur give me somone who prefers a more physical domination of rpugh passion, manhandling and being pinned down rarher than restrained and I'm in my element.
Pinning somone down while exploring them where communication maybe nothing more than grows, grins and eye contact is innate to me.
Tying somone up and talking dirty to them while i hit them with some pos faux leather flogger all ill do is giggle
I understand what you're saying but whilst what you're describing is physical dominance, that's not dominating someone. Being rough and manhandling someone is kind of what dominance isn't. I think that's where a lot of people get things wrong. "
Like i say gate keeping cunts galore.
I can give you a big list of subs who would laugh in the face of somone who teied to dom them who couldnt overpower them |
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"I always find this hard to comprehend. I think being sub or Dom is innate, it can't really be taught.
I get that maybe you want help with scenarios etc but part of the pleasure is finding someone to explore with and learn together which is why I think most people with experience want the same.
Those looking to "train" inexperienced people tend to be looking for submissive people.
I dissagre. You can have the innate desire to be a dom but there is a lot to learn in terms of technique safety etc. But a lot of it is personal style.
Give me somone who wants an elaborate scene where they're tied up and I'm in total control and i have no idea what to do. Given the choice to do anything i often do noyhing.
Bur give me somone who prefers a more physical domination of rpugh passion, manhandling and being pinned down rarher than restrained and I'm in my element.
Pinning somone down while exploring them where communication maybe nothing more than grows, grins and eye contact is innate to me.
Tying somone up and talking dirty to them while i hit them with some pos faux leather flogger all ill do is giggle
I understand what you're saying but whilst what you're describing is physical dominance, that's not dominating someone. Being rough and manhandling someone is kind of what dominance isn't. I think that's where a lot of people get things wrong. "
It can be. But doesn't have to be. It can be mental or physical dominance or both.
There's no right or wrong way, just compatible or incompatible with a partner.
But learning how to do stuff safely is a must, and that takes time and effort. |
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By *irthandgirthMan
over a year ago
Camberley occasionally doncaster |
"Btw anyone who thinks you'll be good at anything without practice is a fantasist and shouldn't be listened to.
Good advice for any subject area"
I think one of the issues is that being Dom is also a personality thing, you have to be able to be believable in it. Reading 50 shades and wearing some fet wear will not automatically make women grovel at your superiority..
As the old saying goes, if you have to demand respect you definitely don't have it.
Sound advice on the technical/social aspects though |
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By *irthandgirthMan
over a year ago
Camberley occasionally doncaster |
"I always find this hard to comprehend. I think being sub or Dom is innate, it can't really be taught.
I get that maybe you want help with scenarios etc but part of the pleasure is finding someone to explore with and learn together which is why I think most people with experience want the same.
Those looking to "train" inexperienced people tend to be looking for submissive people.
I dissagre. You can have the innate desire to be a dom but there is a lot to learn in terms of technique safety etc. But a lot of it is personal style.
Give me somone who wants an elaborate scene where they're tied up and I'm in total control and i have no idea what to do. Given the choice to do anything i often do noyhing.
Bur give me somone who prefers a more physical domination of rpugh passion, manhandling and being pinned down rarher than restrained and I'm in my element.
Pinning somone down while exploring them where communication maybe nothing more than grows, grins and eye contact is innate to me.
Tying somone up and talking dirty to them while i hit them with some pos faux leather flogger all ill do is giggle
I understand what you're saying but whilst what you're describing is physical dominance, that's not dominating someone. Being rough and manhandling someone is kind of what dominance isn't. I think that's where a lot of people get things wrong.
Like i say gate keeping cunts galore.
I can give you a big list of subs who would laugh in the face of somone who teied to dom them who couldnt overpower them"
Def not a gate keeper, got pushed into a D/s thing ages ago. While I am naturally very alpha, playing Dom wasn't natural for me. Found it quite uncomfortable. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Btw anyone who thinks you'll be good at anything without practice is a fantasist and shouldn't be listened to.
Good advice for any subject area
I think one of the issues is that being Dom is also a personality thing, you have to be able to be believable in it. Reading 50 shades and wearing some fet wear will not automatically make women grovel at your superiority..
As the old saying goes, if you have to demand respect you definitely don't have it.
Sound advice on the technical/social aspects though "
Exactly but also a big thing these days seems to be "the sub likes being tied up and spanked, as a dom i ahould tie them up and spank them as thats bdsm"
For me that makes you the sub not the dom it can be a reward sure but unless you sadistically enjoy the spanking you're just doing what your told.
The trick for me is learning what they really want to do. What they feel guilty about. What they want to be made, to be forced to do so they dont have to admit to anyone even themselves that its what they really wanted.
Thats a key to fulfilment with a sub.
But it tastes a fairly deep long term relationship to know a person that intimately and frankley outside of love who has the time? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"[Removed by poster at 28/03/19 20:27:28]"
Yes safety was the majority of my post you were the one saying your way was the correct way and that any other way "wasnt dominance".
Oh youve deleted your post congragulations |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You either Dom or you aint, it cant be forced or teached."
Youre either a welder or you aint..
Your either q doctor or you aint
Your a sailor etc etc
There are techniques, skills talents that need to be learned and mastered.
Youre into rope bondage, expect to sit down for a few hours a week till you get your knots nailed.
Hell getting your rope length right for a 3 loop Fench bowline so you can make a comfortable but safe non self tightening wrist or ankle restraint (or to life somone out of a crevace) will take you tens of hours.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I always find this hard to comprehend. I think being sub or Dom is innate, it can't really be taught.
I get that maybe you want help with scenarios etc but part of the pleasure is finding someone to explore with and learn together which is why I think most people with experience want the same.
Those looking to "train" inexperienced people tend to be looking for submissive people.
I dissagre. You can have the innate desire to be a dom but there is a lot to learn in terms of technique safety etc. But a lot of it is personal style.
Give me somone who wants an elaborate scene where they're tied up and I'm in total control and i have no idea what to do. Given the choice to do anything i often do noyhing.
Bur give me somone who prefers a more physical domination of rpugh passion, manhandling and being pinned down rarher than restrained and I'm in my element.
Pinning somone down while exploring them where communication maybe nothing more than grows, grins and eye contact is innate to me.
Tying somone up and talking dirty to them while i hit them with some pos faux leather flogger all ill do is giggle"
You're touching on the same points though. You can't learn to be Dominant. Yes you can learn scenes etc but if you don't feel comfortable in those scenarios they won't work and they will seem forced.
The biggest part is finding someone and developing a relationship in which both get what they need. You said it yourself you don't know what to do with someone who likes being restrained so do you honestly think you can be taught that? If you get taught are you then not just copying someone else and going through the motions? Where's the fun in that?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"You either Dom or you aint, it cant be forced or teached.
Youre either a welder or you aint..
Your either q doctor or you aint
Your a sailor etc etc
There are techniques, skills talents that need to be learned and mastered.
Youre into rope bondage, expect to sit down for a few hours a week till you get your knots nailed.
Hell getting your rope length right for a 3 loop Fench bowline so you can make a comfortable but safe non self tightening wrist or ankle restraint (or to life somone out of a crevace) will take you tens of hours.
"
But those are actions not feelings or personality.
Anyone can learn physical acts, they can't learn an air of confidence or assertiveness. |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"[Removed by poster at 28/03/19 20:27:28]
Yes safety was the majority of my post you were the one saying your way was the correct way and that any other way "wasnt dominance".
Oh youve deleted your post congragulations"
This is exactly why I don't get into these discussions on fab.
At first reading your post came across as the sort of thing that many would be guarded against. I stand by that but reread and had missed points. Hence my deleting.
I retracted my comment, that's that. |
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By *an_LexaCouple
over a year ago
Sunderland |
I think the biggest difficulty you have is fiinding your own style of dominance. No one will be able to teach you that. It’s that which is inherent. Think about what it is you’re wanting to gain from it. How you then develop it and practice it safely are certainly things you can work on. But you need to know yourself first and understand you won’t be the right one for eac sub out their either because they’re all unique too.
Lex |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Anyone can learn physical acts,
All of society proves this statement false
I think you know that wasn't to be taken literally. "
Wel you did literally write it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"[Removed by poster at 28/03/19 20:27:28]
Yes safety was the majority of my post you were the one saying your way was the correct way and that any other way "wasnt dominance".
Oh youve deleted your post congragulations
This is exactly why I don't get into these discussions on fab.
At first reading your post came across as the sort of thing that many would be guarded against. I stand by that but reread and had missed points. Hence my deleting.
I retracted my comment, that's that. "
Fair play, respect where its due.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think the biggest difficulty you have is fiinding your own style of dominance. No one will be able to teach you that. It’s that which is inherent. Think about what it is you’re wanting to gain from it. How you then develop it and practice it safely are certainly things you can work on. But you need to know yourself first and understand you won’t be the right one for eac sub out their either because they’re all unique too.
Lex"
But finding that style requires practice and experience where a friendly guiding hand can help.
Few people get where they want to be without a mentor |
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"Id love to be a dom but I'd like a couple or woman to teach me and help me explore my fantasy.but it seems people want to meet a experienced dom can anyone help xx"
That my dear friend is the definition of a paradox..  |
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buy yourself some books such as Screw The Roses Send Me The Thorns. They will help you identify what it is that you're after and give you some direction in your thinking about the subject.
There are quite a few people who look for someone to explore this dynamic with. Each person has individual preferences when it comes to a d and s dynamic and exploring with another similar minded person can be a great experience. Just be sure to inform yourself about safety, keep communication going and enjoy |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I always find this hard to comprehend. I think being sub or Dom is innate, it can't really be taught.
I get that maybe you want help with scenarios etc but part of the pleasure is finding someone to explore with and learn together which is why I think most people with experience want the same.
Those looking to "train" inexperienced people tend to be looking for submissive people.
I dissagre. You can have the innate desire to be a dom but there is a lot to learn in terms of technique safety etc. But a lot of it is personal style.
Give me somone who wants an elaborate scene where they're tied up and I'm in total control and i have no idea what to do. Given the choice to do anything i often do noyhing.
Bur give me somone who prefers a more physical domination of rpugh passion, manhandling and being pinned down rarher than restrained and I'm in my element.
Pinning somone down while exploring them where communication maybe nothing more than grows, grins and eye contact is innate to me.
Tying somone up and talking dirty to them while i hit them with some pos faux leather flogger all ill do is giggle
I understand what you're saying but whilst what you're describing is physical dominance, that's not dominating someone. Being rough and manhandling someone is kind of what dominance isn't. I think that's where a lot of people get things wrong.
Like i say gate keeping cunts galore.
I can give you a big list of subs who would laugh in the face of somone who teied to dom them who couldnt overpower them"
Tbf if the case was made that a dominant had to be able to physically overpower then there would be no female dommes in existence practically. Personally I find having physical strength does help certainly as it's the physical manifestation of what goes on in the mind. And greater physical strength does give unimaginative people the chance to dom too, so it's certainly not without merit. Plus there will be more 20-somethings, raised sexually much more on porn, who tend to go for sex as battering away like a power drill and hold up making a woman squirt as one of the pinnacle experiences a man can give a woman who go almost entirely on the physical.
Though if I'm honest, whilst I use both physical and mental domination when I do so, I find that the mental side to it tends to play the biggest part by far? Typically I'd create a complete surprise fantasy in advance, reveal it in drips beforehand to provoke a huge curiosity and release mental stimuli gradually and at the right times to arouse to peak in the mind before any contact happens at all...Then when it does it's literally mindblowing??
Once at this stage, then yes, I do tend to be quite physical as it's merely my style. But most ladies I'd dommed in the past wouldn't have anywhere as near good an experience without the mental side before and during too?
I think it's probably also the fact that 80% of men could overpower the average woman and snarl, and ram hard if they needed to, but far fewer can coax successfully from a mind to a high degree what it's owner wants from it that makes it more of a stand out experience?
Although having both options at your disposal to use together if need be is probably by far the best situation to have, especially as women tend to want the whole package with regards to men.
Though it really is each to their own.
B |
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By *an_LexaCouple
over a year ago
Sunderland |
"I think the biggest difficulty you have is fiinding your own style of dominance. No one will be able to teach you that. It’s that which is inherent. Think about what it is you’re wanting to gain from it. How you then develop it and practice it safely are certainly things you can work on. But you need to know yourself first and understand you won’t be the right one for eac sub out their either because they’re all unique too.
Lex
But finding that style requires practice and experience where a friendly guiding hand can help.
Few people get where they want to be without a mentor"
No, I think that’s more about knowing who you are, what you want from dominance? That will help you to define your style. You don’t need someone else’s assistance for that. That is the more natural part I believe. The less practiced part. Otherwise anything else is just an act |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think the biggest difficulty you have is fiinding your own style of dominance. No one will be able to teach you that. It’s that which is inherent. Think about what it is you’re wanting to gain from it. How you then develop it and practice it safely are certainly things you can work on. But you need to know yourself first and understand you won’t be the right one for eac sub out their either because they’re all unique too.
Lex
But finding that style requires practice and experience where a friendly guiding hand can help.
Few people get where they want to be without a mentor
No, I think that’s more about knowing who you are, what you want from dominance? That will help you to define your style. You don’t need someone else’s assistance for that. That is the more natural part I believe. The less practiced part. Otherwise anything else is just an act "
.
Did you know what food you liked before you tasted it?
Did you know what music you liked before you heard it?
What art touched you before you saw it? |
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By *an_LexaCouple
over a year ago
Sunderland |
"
No, I think that’s more about knowing who you are, what you want from dominance? That will help you to define your style. You don’t need someone else’s assistance for that. That is the more natural part I believe. The less practiced part. Otherwise anything else is just an act .
Did you know what food you liked before you tasted it?
Did you know what music you liked before you heard it?
What art touched you before you saw it?"
This is about something you are not something you might just have a fancy to
I knew I was bisexual without having had sex with men or women.
But no, it wasn’t until I had a cock up my arse that I really knew i liked it, thought i might but was always just something I had a fancy for.
If it’s sonething you’re just playing at, if it’s a game then fair enough. Each to their own. But for me, it’s not believable if you’re not feeling it and that shines through whichever side of the slash you’re at
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think the biggest difficulty you have is fiinding your own style of dominance. No one will be able to teach you that. It’s that which is inherent. Think about what it is you’re wanting to gain from it. How you then develop it and practice it safely are certainly things you can work on. But you need to know yourself first and understand you won’t be the right one for eac sub out their either because they’re all unique too.
Lex
But finding that style requires practice and experience where a friendly guiding hand can help.
Few people get where they want to be without a mentor
No, I think that’s more about knowing who you are, what you want from dominance? That will help you to define your style. You don’t need someone else’s assistance for that. That is the more natural part I believe. The less practiced part. Otherwise anything else is just an act .
Did you know what food you liked before you tasted it?
Did you know what music you liked before you heard it?
What art touched you before you saw it?"
That is a good point, some things are instinct after all, that you only know right away when you try them?
With domming though, there is a difference; whilst you may find straight away your own basic style, perfecting it and finding which kind of subs work best for you takes time, for your sub's experience as well as your own. Your liking food, art and music first time tried won't really affect others' pleasure too much. Perfecting your domming style and how it relates to others first hand will definitely take longer. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s not something that can necessarily be taught. I think it has to be natural within you. There is so much literature on it that if you feel that way inclined you can learn. I know guys that are naturally dominant but are not Dom’s. I also no plenty of Dom’s... and sadly encountered plenty of Dim Dom’s that don’t have a clue |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
I roll my eyes whenever anyone says that domination is innate. If it was innate then you would not have switches.
It is like saying managers are born, if that was the case then then you would not have management courses. Even the army has leadership courses. Yes some people may be better managers through life experience but people can learn to manage effectively. It is usually those who do not want to learn make the worse managers.
I have my suspicions why people say domination innate, and I suspect it taps into media stereotypes. At the end of the day it is a matter whether a person wants to influence another person. Domination does not have to be a physical act, if a person is interested in humiliation or service these do not need physical strength or pain (as enjoyable as they are). I also think the innate domination theory fails to take into account the role of the submissive. The innate theory fails to take into account that reasonable domination is influenced by the nature of the submission. Although I accept there are dom/mes who believe it is their way or highway.
Therefore it is worth learning the skills or as website calls them 50 Skills of Grey. As a side note I know many submissive's who learn the skills of domination so they know whether the dominant now what they are doing.
The biggest issue is learning, there are 1001 doms out there claiming to be skilled. I have found leaving sex out of the equation and attending workshops to get the skills help.
Good luck |
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"I roll my eyes whenever anyone says that domination is innate. If it was innate then you would not have switches.
It is like saying managers are born, if that was the case then then you would not have management courses. Even the army has leadership courses. Yes some people may be better managers through life experience but people can learn to manage effectively. It is usually those who do not want to learn make the worse managers.
I have my suspicions why people say domination innate, and I suspect it taps into media stereotypes. At the end of the day it is a matter whether a person wants to influence another person. Domination does not have to be a physical act, if a person is interested in humiliation or service these do not need physical strength or pain (as enjoyable as they are). I also think the innate domination theory fails to take into account the role of the submissive. The innate theory fails to take into account that reasonable domination is influenced by the nature of the submission. Although I accept there are dom/mes who believe it is their way or highway.
Therefore it is worth learning the skills or as website calls them 50 Skills of Grey. As a side note I know many submissive's who learn the skills of domination so they know whether the dominant now what they are doing.
The biggest issue is learning, there are 1001 doms out there claiming to be skilled. I have found leaving sex out of the equation and attending workshops to get the skills help.
Good luck"
An interesting opinion.. |
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"It’s not something that can necessarily be taught. I think it has to be natural within you. There is so much literature on it that if you feel that way inclined you can learn. I know guys that are naturally dominant but are not Dom’s. I also no plenty of Dom’s... and sadly encountered plenty of Dim Dom’s that don’t have a clue "
I have to agree with this . A lot of men call themselves Dom but actually are Alpha males and only assertive during sex. That’s not a Dom.
And yes many buy some cheap floggers and riding crops and they are Instant Dom. - not !
It’s all in the approach, knowledge , style and what is it you as a Dom can offer to a sub and what do you want to gain from this kind of play or a D/s relationship .
It’s the sub who has got full control of the situation.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
It’s the sub who has got full control of the situation.
"
What self respecting dom is allowing topping from bottom?
More importantly what sub wants that?
When im sub and able to manipulate the dom into doing what i want all i can think is how worthless rhey are |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I always find this hard to comprehend. I think being sub or Dom is innate, it can't really be taught.
I get that maybe you want help with scenarios etc but part of the pleasure is finding someone to explore with and learn together which is why I think most people with experience want the same.
Those looking to "train" inexperienced people tend to be looking for submissive people.
I agree, I think it's something that you discover about yourself over time and explore with a partner.
Unfortunately a lot of people after 50 shades have decided to just adopt the name without knowing what it actually means or entails. "
when i joined i tended to shy away from all that stuff as i thought it was a little daft but as iv learned more about myself i have found i tend to be more dominant in nature id never thought to look before more into the control stuff than the sadist stuff but i think its more something you learn about yourself than an i want to be type thing its not like applying for a job |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thanks for the comments I'm happy I put it on because I've met someone that is up for helping me I just need to buy a Spank pad.its in order get here for the wk end xx"
having a spanner wont make you a mechanic
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"
It’s the sub who has got full control of the situation.
What self respecting dom is allowing topping from bottom?
More importantly what sub wants that?
When im sub and able to manipulate the dom into doing what i want all i can think is how worthless rhey are"
I never said about topping from the bottom or manipulation!
I think you have obviously never been with a real Dom or spoken to one to know what my sentence meant.
Do that first and then you will less assume and randomly comment.
Actually I think you should just stuff your face with lemon drizzle cake - that will keep you quiet for a while .
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
My own view is that domination and submission should be a matter of mutual agreement. I think the word control is not apt. The sub, similar to the dom, has the right to decide what happens with their body. Therefore the sub's right to control their body should not be confused with controlling the relationship.
I don't do needle play, if a sub was in control they could make me do needle play, and that is not going to happen.
As I see it the dom and the sub agree the boundaries of their relationship.
However, the above is a modern view. There are what I call old school dom/mes who have the view that the sub is merely there to obey. In my book if the sub is happy with that then all is good. Conversely there are relationships where the sub leads, if that is the case good for them, it is not up to any third party to define their relationship.
In my time in the scene I have found there are keepers of the "true way". However, unless it is a matter of safety or skill, there is no true way, only that which works for the individual relationship. Yes there are people who like the certainly of rules and roles but in real life and especialy in kink it is about working out what works for you and having fun with it whether or not it offends someone else's sense of propriety. Provided the only abuse us consensual, and everyone knows what they are getting into, then it should be about fun (even if the fun involves pain).
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By *an_LexaCouple
over a year ago
Sunderland |
"I roll my eyes whenever anyone says that domination is innate. If it was innate then you would not have switches.
It is like saying managers are born, if that was the case then then you would not have management courses. Even the army has leadership courses. Yes some people may be better managers through life experience but people can learn to manage effectively. It is usually those who do not want to learn make the worse managers.
I have my suspicions why people say domination innate, and I suspect it taps into media stereotypes. At the end of the day it is a matter whether a person wants to influence another person. Domination does not have to be a physical act, if a person is interested in humiliation or service these do not need physical strength or pain (as enjoyable as they are). I also think the innate domination theory fails to take into account the role of the submissive. The innate theory fails to take into account that reasonable domination is influenced by the nature of the submission. Although I accept there are dom/mes who believe it is their way or highway.
Therefore it is worth learning the skills or as website calls them 50 Skills of Grey. As a side note I know many submissive's who learn the skills of domination so they know whether the dominant now what they are doing.
The biggest issue is learning, there are 1001 doms out there claiming to be skilled. I have found leaving sex out of the equation and attending workshops to get the skills help.
Good luck"
Those same tendencies that are already there in a naturally dominant person can still be there in a switch. Just because they equally have other needs or an opposing balance that needs redressing that can equally come naturally to them when that nature takes over them.
I don’t really think anyone is suggesting it’s just about sex or that learning safe practices and techniques is not a good idea. Someone who has no proper awareness or knowledge of impact play really wouldn’t be wielding anything anywhere near me for example.
Your theory if domination being dependant on the nature of the submission that’s available makes it sound much more like you’re talking in terms of someone who’s paid for their service and changes their domination to suit.
I’m talking about people matching up what each other are looking for. And yes there is always a little compromise in any kind of relationship or dynamic but generally a compatible match in your dynamic you will both find what you’re looking for
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
It’s the sub who has got full control of the situation.
What self respecting dom is allowing topping from bottom?
More importantly what sub wants that?
When im sub and able to manipulate the dom into doing what i want all i can think is how worthless rhey are
I never said about topping from the bottom or manipulation!
I think you have obviously never been with a real Dom or spoken to one to know what my sentence meant.
Do that first and then you will less assume and randomly comment.
Actually I think you should just stuff your face with lemon drizzle cake - that will keep you quiet for a while .
"
Nah i have.
And i know what you meant. Its the usual fearful response on the forum. "Omg sub has total control or else your a rapi*t" tedium.
Im friends with quite Few pro dommes etc and ourside of these forums that idea is not widley held.
You want to be in charge? Great go find somone else will be the response |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
OP putting aside all of the arguments for one second that whilst interesting to an extent aren't necessarily answering your question - so you say you'd love to be a Dom but you've not said what it is that interests you about it, what kind of a dominant you think you would be, what kind of submissive you think you'd look for, what style of play appeals, what boundaries/limits you have, and many many more important questions that you really should be considering and knowing the answers to before you even consider getting into a play scenario - in fact if you were to meet any self-respecting submissive, or even mentoring dominant, they would expect you to know the answers and to show that you have really thought this through.
Just suddenly saying "I'd love to be a dominant" won't get you anywhere if you can't back that thought up with evidence to show why you had that thought and how you would like to develop it.
If I were you I'd take a large step backwards - go away and read as much as you can on the subject, and when you think you've read enough, read some more (someone already mentioned Screw The Roses Bring Me The Thorns, another worthy read is SM101, or there's the other site that cannot be named) - get along to local munches and chat with people, answer some on-line BDSM questionnaires - all of those things will help you start to get a picture in your own mind of where you think your interests lie.
There is no single right way to BDSM or D/s, other than the way agreed between two or more informed and consenting adults but there are plenty of wrong ways. |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
"I roll my eyes whenever anyone says that domination is innate. If it was innate then you would not have switches.
It is like saying managers are born, if that was the case then then you would not have management courses. Even the army has leadership courses. Yes some people may be better managers through life experience but people can learn to manage effectively. It is usually those who do not want to learn make the worse managers.
I have my suspicions why people say domination innate, and I suspect it taps into media stereotypes. At the end of the day it is a matter whether a person wants to influence another person. Domination does not have to be a physical act, if a person is interested in humiliation or service these do not need physical strength or pain (as enjoyable as they are). I also think the innate domination theory fails to take into account the role of the submissive. The innate theory fails to take into account that reasonable domination is influenced by the nature of the submission. Although I accept there are dom/mes who believe it is their way or highway.
Therefore it is worth learning the skills or as website calls them 50 Skills of Grey. As a side note I know many submissive's who learn the skills of domination so they know whether the dominant now what they are doing.
The biggest issue is learning, there are 1001 doms out there claiming to be skilled. I have found leaving sex out of the equation and attending workshops to get the skills help.
Good luck
Those same tendencies that are already there in a naturally dominant person can still be there in a switch. Just because they equally have other needs or an opposing balance that needs redressing that can equally come naturally to them when that nature takes over them.
I don’t really think anyone is suggesting it’s just about sex or that learning safe practices and techniques is not a good idea. Someone who has no proper awareness or knowledge of impact play really wouldn’t be wielding anything anywhere near me for example.
Your theory if domination being dependant on the nature of the submission that’s available makes it sound much more like you’re talking in terms of someone who’s paid for their service and changes their domination to suit.
I’m talking about people matching up what each other are looking for. And yes there is always a little compromise in any kind of relationship or dynamic but generally a compatible match in your dynamic you will both find what you’re looking for
"
It has nothing to do with payment which I find a risible comment. But about being flexible in style and being empathic to your sub. It is a question of getting the best out of the sub and the one size domination fits all subs approach is frankly tired. As is domination is all about an individual style. You may have your own way but seriously it is not the only way and frankly we can agree to disagree over whether domination is innate. |
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By *an_LexaCouple
over a year ago
Sunderland |
"
It has nothing to do with payment which I find a risible comment. But about being flexible in style and being empathic to your sub. It is a question of getting the best out of the sub and the one size domination fits all subs approach is frankly tired. As is domination is all about an individual style. You may have your own way but seriously it is not the only way and frankly we can agree to disagree over whether domination is innate. "
Again no one had said there is a one size domination fits all subs. If you actually got off your pedestal and read my comments properly you’d see that I said ny thoughts more about 2 people coming together that were compatible. with one other.
Maybe you need a skills workshop on listening and actually hearing what is being said.
As for having my own way, I don’t profess to being a domme.
But I’m still more than happy to disagree with you |
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"Id love to be a dom but I'd like a couple or woman to teach me and help me explore my fantasy.but it seems people want to meet a experienced dom can anyone help xx"
Sign up for an on line coarse in domming  |
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By *ensualMan
over a year ago
Sutton |
"
It has nothing to do with payment which I find a risible comment. But about being flexible in style and being empathic to your sub. It is a question of getting the best out of the sub and the one size domination fits all subs approach is frankly tired. As is domination is all about an individual style. You may have your own way but seriously it is not the only way and frankly we can agree to disagree over whether domination is innate.
Again no one had said there is a one size domination fits all subs. If you actually got off your pedestal and read my comments properly you’d see that I said ny thoughts more about 2 people coming together that were compatible. with one other.
Maybe you need a skills workshop on listening and actually hearing what is being said.
As for having my own way, I don’t profess to being a domme.
But I’m still more than happy to disagree with you "
Err you do like to make sarcastic remarks. To be honest I think it is sad that you personalise your comments which started this exchange. I am more than happy to disagree with you, and I can do so without being rude. |
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By *an_LexaCouple
over a year ago
Sunderland |
"
It has nothing to do with payment which I find a risible comment. But about being flexible in style and being empathic to your sub. It is a question of getting the best out of the sub and the one size domination fits all subs approach is frankly tired. As is domination is all about an individual style. You may have your own way but seriously it is not the only way and frankly we can agree to disagree over whether domination is innate.
Again no one had said there is a one size domination fits all subs. If you actually got off your pedestal and read my comments properly you’d see that I said ny thoughts more about 2 people coming together that were compatible. with one other.
Maybe you need a skills workshop on listening and actually hearing what is being said.
As for having my own way, I don’t profess to being a domme.
But I’m still more than happy to disagree with you
Err you do like to make sarcastic remarks. To be honest I think it is sad that you personalise your comments which started this exchange. I am more than happy to disagree with you, and I can do so without being rude."
No rudeness at all, merely advice and suggestions in reply and response to your good self and your take on the subject |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I always find this hard to comprehend. I think being sub or Dom is innate, it can't really be taught.
I get that maybe you want help with scenarios etc but part of the pleasure is finding someone to explore with and learn together which is why I think most people with experience want the same.
Couldnt have put it better myself! - I believe tou either have a dom streak or you dont. Some people think they are a dom but you can definitely tell the difference between a real dom and a dom-wannabe x
Those looking to "train" inexperienced people tend to be looking for submissive people.
I agree, I think it's something that you discover about yourself over time and explore with a partner.
Unfortunately a lot of people after 50 shades have decided to just adopt the name without knowing what it actually means or entails. "
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