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Would you believe them?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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If someone told you that their partner was emotionally abusing them, would you believe them?
If they said their partner was constantly putting them down, blaming them for everything that went wrong in their life (even if it was for example at their place of work and not their fault at all). That their partner threatened them when they were d*unk but could never remember saying anything when they were sober.
Would you believe them even if there were no bruises and everyone else thought their partner was a nice person? Would you help them, or is all that not 'abuse'? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If someone told you that their partner was emotionally abusing them, would you believe them?
If they said their partner was constantly putting them down, blaming them for everything that went wrong in their life (even if it was for example at their place of work and not their fault at all). That their partner threatened them when they were d*unk but could never remember saying anything when they were sober.
Would you believe them even if there were no bruises and everyone else thought their partner was a nice person? Would you help them, or is all that not 'abuse'?"
I would because I know abuse just isn’t physical, I think there are 7/8 different types of abuse, I’ve worked in the care industry and done loads on safeguarding, so I would always believe someone.
Danish x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes, my sister was emotionally abused for many years. It did a lot of damage. He’s still doing it now 8 years after they broke up. They have kids and he’s never moved on and let go. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Unless I had very good reason not to of course I would believe them, I think it's vital actually. Often in emotionally abusive relationships the perpetrator will say something along the lines of "even if you do tell anyone no one will believe you" therefore isolating the person further so yes I think it's absolutely essential. |
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"If someone told you that their partner was emotionally abusing them, would you believe them?
If they said their partner was constantly putting them down, blaming them for everything that went wrong in their life (even if it was for example at their place of work and not their fault at all). That their partner threatened them when they were d*unk but could never remember saying anything when they were sober.
Would you believe them even if there were no bruises and everyone else thought their partner was a nice person? Would you help them, or is all that not 'abuse'?"
.yes...
Or at least talk them.. and yes that is abuse. |
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"If someone told you that their partner was emotionally abusing them, would you believe them?
If they said their partner was constantly putting them down, blaming them for everything that went wrong in their life (even if it was for example at their place of work and not their fault at all). That their partner threatened them when they were d*unk but could never remember saying anything when they were sober.
Would you believe them even if there were no bruises and everyone else thought their partner was a nice person? Would you help them, or is all that not 'abuse'?"
It is abuse imo.
If someone says it I'd believe them.
Sometimes things can seem to be fine in the exterior of a relationship but be quite the opposite behind closed doors.
I know several women and a couple of men who were in this situation and outsiders didn't suspect anything was wrong.
Believe them and support them but don't be surprised if they don't come out the relationship easily. It can take several attempts before they are able to leave.
The best thing is to assuage their fears of the unknown aspects, like where would they live, how would they cope financially, how friends and family may react. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Mental abuse in some ways is worse than physical abuse ... people are less likely to believe as there are no visible scars"
A good hiding would have been easier for me to deal with than the emotional and mental abuse.
He knew that bruises were evidence. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Did anyone watch the programme on Channel 5 recently about domestic abuse?
It was very interesting and unlike anything I've seen about the topic before plus there was program after with a lot of experts and people that deal with this sort of thing on a professional capacity giving advice on how a woman can leave safely and that actually emotional abuse is the one there always more cautious of. Because people fleeing the abuse tend to be at more risk when they decide to leave. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Yes, my sister was emotionally abused for many years. It did a lot of damage. He’s still doing it now 8 years after they broke up. They have kids and he’s never moved on and let go. "
Hope he fucks off when they're 18 and she doesn't have to be in contact with him anymore. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Unless I had very good reason not to of course I would believe them, I think it's vital actually. Often in emotionally abusive relationships the perpetrator will say something along the lines of "even if you do tell anyone no one will believe you" therefore isolating the person further so yes I think it's absolutely essential. "
Good point. X |
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"Did anyone watch the programme on Channel 5 recently about domestic abuse?
It was very interesting and unlike anything I've seen about the topic before plus there was program after with a lot of experts and people that deal with this sort of thing on a professional capacity giving advice on how a woman can leave safely and that actually emotional abuse is the one there always more cautious of. Because people fleeing the abuse tend to be at more risk when they decide to leave. "
It is definitely the most challenging aspect once they leave. For men it is particularly difficult because they often struggle to get proper support due to the majority of abused partners being women. The system is naturally geared towards them, there are specialist services for men too but sometimes in rural areas this amounts to very little indeed. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Did anyone watch the programme on Channel 5 recently about domestic abuse?
It was very interesting and unlike anything I've seen about the topic before plus there was program after with a lot of experts and people that deal with this sort of thing on a professional capacity giving advice on how a woman can leave safely and that actually emotional abuse is the one there always more cautious of. Because people fleeing the abuse tend to be at more risk when they decide to leave. "
That's sadly true and why many people decide to stay as it's 'safer'. When the person tries to leave, the abusive person gets mad because they're losing control of them.
Can you remember what it was called? |
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If you're going to try to provide support you could contact agencies for advice (confidentially) One of the things that makes it easier to leave is if they make an exit plan. And that they have support lined up ready when they are. |
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I would always listen and always give advice if I had any to give and always try to point someone in the right direction for advice from experts.
Everyone deserves to be heard. It's real in their head.
Mind you .... if I knew them as a drama queen or liar ....they can fuck off. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
Yes (female, male, non-binary, whatever). Sometimes just saying it out loud to another person helps to make it real enough to take action.
I'd give them the information of places to contact to discuss it.
Some of the most charming, lovely people are emotionally abusive. Their charm and loveliness to others is the perfect shield and how they lull their partner into an abusive relationship.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Yes (female, male, non-binary, whatever). Sometimes just saying it out loud to another person helps to make it real enough to take action.
I'd give them the information of places to contact to discuss it.
Some of the most charming, lovely people are emotionally abusive. Their charm and loveliness to others is the perfect shield and how they lull their partner into an abusive relationship.
"
My step-father was charm personified. He was also the worst person I have ever met. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Did anyone watch the programme on Channel 5 recently about domestic abuse?
It was very interesting and unlike anything I've seen about the topic before plus there was program after with a lot of experts and people that deal with this sort of thing on a professional capacity giving advice on how a woman can leave safely and that actually emotional abuse is the one there always more cautious of. Because people fleeing the abuse tend to be at more risk when they decide to leave.
That's sadly true and why many people decide to stay as it's 'safer'. When the person tries to leave, the abusive person gets mad because they're losing control of them.
Can you remember what it was called?"
I think the documentary was called the abused but i can't remember what the one after was called. it was on about 3 or 4 weeks ago. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Most abusers are charming and personable - it’s how they get away with it. Very few people would date someone, far less move in or marry them, with someone who belittled then or scared them on a first date. Like conmen they start nice and then start the drip feed.
I’d believe them. Very few people lie about domestic abuse (more people try to hide it) that it makes no sense not to believe them.
Leaving is the most dangerous point. Pregnancy is also a very common start point for it sadly. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Most abusers are charming and personable - it’s how they get away with it. Very few people would date someone, far less move in or marry them, with someone who belittled then or scared them on a first date. Like conmen they start nice and then start the drip feed.
I’d believe them. Very few people lie about domestic abuse (more people try to hide it) that it makes no sense not to believe them.
Leaving is the most dangerous point. Pregnancy is also a very common start point for it sadly."
Absolutely! The law has recently been modified and coercive control is now a specific criminal offence.
People often see emotional abuse as not as serious as physical, however there is emotional abuse involved in that as well. And you are absolutely right about the leaving part because once the perpetrator starts to lose control that is when they become their most dangerous.
Due to my job I've had a little bit of training in this and women being killed by an abusive partner are often after they have left or tried to. (I've been very careful not to be gender specific, I only use the word women in that last sentence because I'm not sure what the statistics are regarding male victims). |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"Most abusers are charming and personable - it’s how they get away with it. Very few people would date someone, far less move in or marry them, with someone who belittled then or scared them on a first date. Like conmen they start nice and then start the drip feed.
I’d believe them. Very few people lie about domestic abuse (more people try to hide it) that it makes no sense not to believe them.
Leaving is the most dangerous point. Pregnancy is also a very common start point for it sadly.
Absolutely! The law has recently been modified and coercive control is now a specific criminal offence.
People often see emotional abuse as not as serious as physical, however there is emotional abuse involved in that as well. And you are absolutely right about the leaving part because once the perpetrator starts to lose control that is when they become their most dangerous.
Due to my job I've had a little bit of training in this and women being killed by an abusive partner are often after they have left or tried to. (I've been very careful not to be gender specific, I only use the word women in that last sentence because I'm not sure what the statistics are regarding male victims). "
Look at the ManKind Initiative fact sheet: Male victims of domestic and partner abuse - 35 key facts. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Most abusers are charming and personable - it’s how they get away with it. Very few people would date someone, far less move in or marry them, with someone who belittled then or scared them on a first date. Like conmen they start nice and then start the drip feed.
I’d believe them. Very few people lie about domestic abuse (more people try to hide it) that it makes no sense not to believe them.
Leaving is the most dangerous point. Pregnancy is also a very common start point for it sadly.
Absolutely! The law has recently been modified and coercive control is now a specific criminal offence.
People often see emotional abuse as not as serious as physical, however there is emotional abuse involved in that as well. And you are absolutely right about the leaving part because once the perpetrator starts to lose control that is when they become their most dangerous.
Due to my job I've had a little bit of training in this and women being killed by an abusive partner are often after they have left or tried to. (I've been very careful not to be gender specific, I only use the word women in that last sentence because I'm not sure what the statistics are regarding male victims).
Look at the ManKind Initiative fact sheet: Male victims of domestic and partner abuse - 35 key facts."
I will take a look thank you.  |
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I absolutely would believe and support them as much as I could.
Abuse comes in many forms and is something I encounter frequently in my line of work. If can very often be those who you least expect and is rarely obvious to those outside the relationship.
If can be very hard to break away, so if anyone comes across this please help if you can.
My big beef at the moment is the lack of help for men, especially safe houses / refuges.
Nita |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes and support them in the best way they needed it. Emotional/psychological abuse is just as detrimental to a person's psyche as physical abuse. I'd rather be wrong in being trusting, than stand off to the side and risk not being there for someone who needed my support. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I absolutely would believe and support them as much as I could.
Abuse comes in many forms and is something I encounter frequently in my line of work. If can very often be those who you least expect and is rarely obvious to those outside the relationship.
If can be very hard to break away, so if anyone comes across this please help if you can.
My big beef at the moment is the lack of help for men, especially safe houses / refuges.
Nita"
It was covered in a documentary that I watched recently about the lack of spaces for men. The problem is they to be kept separate from the women's refuge/ Safe House.
And there are more spaces than are usually taken up so I guess from a service point of view It's Tricky to know where to put these places and if they're going to be underutilized I guess it's a dilemma for the local councils. I'm not saying it's right but the uptake of such a place as is much lower than that for women. |
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Yes, unless there was call not to. Emotional abuse is vile and sometimes isn’t realised it’s happening because it is just the norm to them. It may be realised by others around them though. You don’t know what is happening behind closed doors, a non judgemental ear is always needed |
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By *emmefataleWoman
over a year ago
dirtybigbadsgirlville |
"If someone told you that their partner was emotionally abusing them, would you believe them?
If they said their partner was constantly putting them down, blaming them for everything that went wrong in their life (even if it was for example at their place of work and not their fault at all). That their partner threatened them when they were d*unk but could never remember saying anything when they were sober.
Would you believe them even if there were no bruises and everyone else thought their partner was a nice person? Would you help them, or is all that not 'abuse'?"
Depends on the person who is telling me |
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"Yes and support them in the best way they needed it. Emotional/psychological abuse is just as detrimental to a person's psyche as physical abuse. I'd rather be wrong in being trusting, than stand off to the side and risk not being there for someone who needed my support. "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Part of a relationship is to grow and nurture both as a couple and as individuals; to bring out the best in each other, to turn weaknesses into strengths, to enjoy the process of making each other better and, quite often, more functional, to understand, sympathise, protect, embolden and support.
Why anyone would enter a relationship with an alternate mindset is alien to me.
I've had 2 or 3 in my time and, whilst none worked out long-term, I left each enriched and so did they.
I'm selfish, I like my own way, I am single minded, I am even a bit controlling, but never at the cost or detriment of others mental or physical wellbeing.
Knowing where to draw the line is key.
Mental abuse, to me, has longer term effects than the physical. It is, put quite simply, cruelty personified. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Unfortunately, by the time you realise something is wrong in your own relationship you are that institutionalised you just go along with it because you know everyone thinks your partner is incredible.
When you see the pattern repeat and your kids then become victims of outbursts and passive aggressive comments, your heart breaks because you haven't been stong enough to break free of the toxicity and bring them with you. When your own kids "know what s/he is like" and pity you, but stick it out through loyalty, you feel like a failure. Which doesn't help when you are told you are a failure by your partner.
Abuse is abuse.
You can even take your partner to couples therapy, but when they are told their behaviours have to change, they just pull the plug because everything is "their fault" and refuse to engage .
If someone has the strength to reach out to you, please be the hand that reaches back.
You might not be able to do anything practical, but it can help a person immeasurably knowing they are not alone. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It’s abuse, just harder to prove intially than physical. And yes I would help them, I’m supporting someone now who is in a relationship like this...  "
Hugs xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Unfortunately, by the time you realise something is wrong in your own relationship you are that institutionalised you just go along with it because you know everyone thinks your partner is incredible.
When you see the pattern repeat and your kids then become victims of outbursts and passive aggressive comments, your heart breaks because you haven't been stong enough to break free of the toxicity and bring them with you. When your own kids "know what s/he is like" and pity you, but stick it out through loyalty, you feel like a failure. Which doesn't help when you are told you are a failure by your partner.
Abuse is abuse.
You can even take your partner to couples therapy, but when they are told their behaviours have to change, they just pull the plug because everything is "their fault" and refuse to engage .
If someone has the strength to reach out to you, please be the hand that reaches back.
You might not be able to do anything practical, but it can help a person immeasurably knowing they are not alone."
Very difficult when kids are involved. Especially when they grow up to side with the abuser. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"Unfortunately, by the time you realise something is wrong in your own relationship you are that institutionalised you just go along with it because you know everyone thinks your partner is incredible.
When you see the pattern repeat and your kids then become victims of outbursts and passive aggressive comments, your heart breaks because you haven't been stong enough to break free of the toxicity and bring them with you. When your own kids "know what s/he is like" and pity you, but stick it out through loyalty, you feel like a failure. Which doesn't help when you are told you are a failure by your partner.
Abuse is abuse.
You can even take your partner to couples therapy, but when they are told their behaviours have to change, they just pull the plug because everything is "their fault" and refuse to engage .
If someone has the strength to reach out to you, please be the hand that reaches back.
You might not be able to do anything practical, but it can help a person immeasurably knowing they are not alone.
Very difficult when kids are involved. Especially when they grow up to side with the abuser. "
Children and pets are the main reasons people don't leave.
I know someone who has had cut all ties with their family as their mother thinks the sun shines out of the abuser's proverbial and refuses to believe their own child. It means they have had to leave their own young child. It's tragic. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When I told my mum I was divorcing my first husband and told her why her response was "but he's so charming".
People tend to believe what they see."
Yes ,ive met many charming types who tale it out on the girlfriend or wife behind cloased doors. Often its pure frustration at their own cowardice confronting other issuesamd situations in their life.
I'd refer the alleged victim to be genuine until proven otherwise. |
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"When I told my mum I was divorcing my first husband and told her why her response was "but he's so charming".
People tend to believe what they see.
Yes ,ive met many charming types who tale it out on the girlfriend or wife behind cloased doors. Often its pure frustration at their own cowardice confronting other issuesamd situations in their life.
I'd refer the alleged victim to be genuine until proven otherwise."
He was a liar, a fantasist and an addicted gambler. Fortunately I realised very quickly. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Unfortunately, by the time you realise something is wrong in your own relationship you are that institutionalised you just go along with it because you know everyone thinks your partner is incredible.
When you see the pattern repeat and your kids then become victims of outbursts and passive aggressive comments, your heart breaks because you haven't been stong enough to break free of the toxicity and bring them with you. When your own kids "know what s/he is like" and pity you, but stick it out through loyalty, you feel like a failure. Which doesn't help when you are told you are a failure by your partner.
Abuse is abuse.
You can even take your partner to couples therapy, but when they are told their behaviours have to change, they just pull the plug because everything is "their fault" and refuse to engage .
If someone has the strength to reach out to you, please be the hand that reaches back.
You might not be able to do anything practical, but it can help a person immeasurably knowing they are not alone.
Very difficult when kids are involved. Especially when they grow up to side with the abuser. "
Abusers often indoctrinate vicrimsby destroying self worth . They believe this is what they deserve.
Ive metwomen so scarred that to accept tenderness and kindness is inconsistent with their undoctri action. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If someone told you that their partner was emotionally abusing them, would you believe them?
If they said their partner was constantly putting them down, blaming them for everything that went wrong in their life (even if it was for example at their place of work and not their fault at all). That their partner threatened them when they were d*unk but could never remember saying anything when they were sober.
Would you believe them even if there were no bruises and everyone else thought their partner was a nice person? Would you help them, or is all that not 'abuse'?
I would because I know abuse just isn’t physical, I think there are 7/8 different types of abuse, I’ve worked in the care industry and done loads on safeguarding, so I would always believe someone.
Danish x"
Agree |
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"I would because I would rather they be wrong and me look a fool than they be right and I’d not helped them at all. "
This, absolutely right. And mental abuse like mental illness can be far worse than the physical equivalents. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It is definatly domestic abuse and noone in a relationship should have to put up with that. People who really love you should care about your happiness x |
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In my limited experience, one of the hardest things to realise and and accept for the individual involved was that they really were the victim of abuse.
The abuser had them so mentally tied up and twisted they thought the behaviours were "normal".
Getting them to see that it wasn't and that they were a victim was a slow, frustrating and painful exercise.
Gently getting them to that point of realisation and to embrace the fact that they needed to remove themselves from the relationship was at times tortuous.
I found it better to ask questions that helped the person make their own mind up rather than keep telling them everything about the relationship was wrong and to leave. They were so deeply entrenched in the mental maze they'd never has seen or believed it if they'd been told.
Short answer to the question, yes, I'd believe them.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It takes alot for someone to talk to someone about this and its ok to be not ok
Sometimes a friendly listening ear could help"
We're doing that. Looking out for her. Letting her know she's brilliant. He's killed her self worth so we're trying to build it back up again. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"In my limited experience, one of the hardest things to realise and and accept for the individual involved was that they really were the victim of abuse.
The abuser had them so mentally tied up and twisted they thought the behaviours were "normal".
Getting them to see that it wasn't and that they were a victim was a slow, frustrating and painful exercise.
Gently getting them to that point of realisation and to embrace the fact that they needed to remove themselves from the relationship was at times tortuous.
I found it better to ask questions that helped the person make their own mind up rather than keep telling them everything about the relationship was wrong and to leave. They were so deeply entrenched in the mental maze they'd never has seen or believed it if they'd been told.
Short answer to the question, yes, I'd believe them.
"
That's a really good point about letting them realise and figure things out rather than telling them, thank you. It's gone on so long she doesn't know what's normal anymore.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In my limited experience, one of the hardest things to realise and and accept for the individual involved was that they really were the victim of abuse.
The abuser had them so mentally tied up and twisted they thought the behaviours were "normal".
Getting them to see that it wasn't and that they were a victim was a slow, frustrating and painful exercise.
Gently getting them to that point of realisation and to embrace the fact that they needed to remove themselves from the relationship was at times tortuous.
I found it better to ask questions that helped the person make their own mind up rather than keep telling them everything about the relationship was wrong and to leave. They were so deeply entrenched in the mental maze they'd never has seen or believed it if they'd been told.
Short answer to the question, yes, I'd believe them.
"
That’s really good advice re the asking of questions instead of telling.
I’m trying this way now and very slowly it seems to be helping the situation... |
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"In my limited experience, one of the hardest things to realise and and accept for the individual involved was that they really were the victim of abuse.
The abuser had them so mentally tied up and twisted they thought the behaviours were "normal".
Getting them to see that it wasn't and that they were a victim was a slow, frustrating and painful exercise.
Gently getting them to that point of realisation and to embrace the fact that they needed to remove themselves from the relationship was at times tortuous.
I found it better to ask questions that helped the person make their own mind up rather than keep telling them everything about the relationship was wrong and to leave. They were so deeply entrenched in the mental maze they'd never has seen or believed it if they'd been told.
Short answer to the question, yes, I'd believe them.
That's a really good point about letting them realise and figure things out rather than telling them, thank you. It's gone on so long she doesn't know what's normal anymore.
"
Love is blind. It's also frequently deaf and dumb too.
Dumb as in can't speak, not dumb as in stupid.
Every persons situation is different, what works for one doesn't for another.
A close family member was the victim of abuse. We had to resort to rendition to bring them home.
Traumatic. |
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