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What's the funniest line from tv/film /books
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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(Simpsons) Fairground worker to Homer"Your barred from this fairground,and your children,and your children's children, and your children's children's children-for 2 weeks |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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faulty towers.. ..on those trays..(un.dos tres.) Basil to Manuel. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball. |
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By *SAchickWoman
over a year ago
Hillside desolate |
Mrs Doyle - Mr Mustard was just asking if he could put his massive tool in my box. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Stop calling me Shirley |
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By *SAchickWoman
over a year ago
Hillside desolate |
"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball."
You're about as useful as a cock flavoured lollipop  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the V.P. is such a V.I.P., shouldn't we keep the P.C. on the Q.T.? 'Cause if it leaks to the V.C., he could end up an M.I.A., and then we'd all be put on K.P." |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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dont tell him pike |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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four candles sketch. The two Ronnies . |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"four candles sketch. The two Ronnies ."
Absolutely anything and everything by them! |
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By *andonmessMan
over a year ago
A world all of his own |
We're in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun |
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I tend to find the most ridiculous things absolutely hilarious.
The one thing that makes me giggle each time I think of or watch it is a scene in Black Books where Manny is telling Bernard that he ate his bees. I couldn’t tell you why but it really really cracks me up. I bloody adore Bill Bailey. |
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"dont tell him pike"
That’s still funny |
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Mrs Merton to Debbie McGee
“What first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels” |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Family guy(a deleted scene) Joe to Quagmire ;"First you take your laptop"."Giggeddy".
Then you get your Ram". "Giggedy". "Then You take your hard drive". "Giggedy". "See,this is why we don't tell you anything"! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Mrs Merton to Debbie McGee
“What first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels” "
..
think that was recently voted the best chat show question ever.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Gentlemen you cant fight in here! This is the war room" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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..." language Timothy." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Pretentious? Moi ?
Faulty towers |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries." |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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radio..Terry Wogan.. "that was ABBA,. oooh I did fancy the blonde one.........,
what was his name" !
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Where I come from, people are hospitable to strangers, but you lot - you! - have made us aboot as welcome as a fart in an astronaut's suit!
Auf Wiedersehen Pet - Oz |
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"I know you guys are busy......and when you find the time.....i'd rather not spend the rest of this winter....TIED TO THIS FUCKING COUCH !!!!"
The Thing - classic horror, i piss myself laughing everytime i see this bit  |
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By *iking67Man
over a year ago
BP Auckland |
There's no cure for being a cunt
Game of Thrones
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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""Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.""
"Now go away before I taunt you a second time" lol great film |
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By *SAchickWoman
over a year ago
Hillside desolate |
"There's no cure for being a cunt
Game of Thrones
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Arya "lots of people name their sword"
The Hound "lots of cunts" |
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By *iking67Man
over a year ago
BP Auckland |
I think Game of Thrones will have lots of mentions here |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you." |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Futurama: quote from Bender on parenting;"Have you ever tried simply turning off your TV, sitting down with your child,
and hitting them! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think Game of Thrones will have lots of mentions here"
Dickon Tarly: Ser Jaime
Jaime: Rickon
Dickon: Dickon...
Bron: hahaha
The line itself is not so much funny but the reaction from Bron makes it.
Anything Bron says to be honest.
"Give me ten good men and some climbing spikes. I'll impregnate the bitch" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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[Removed by poster at 17/03/19 16:30:12] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"These go to 11"
Spinal Tap! Awesome |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"These go to 11
Spinal Tap! Awesome "
our drummer died of choking on vomit.. someone else's |
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Evolution
No time for lube
There's always time for lube!!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You BUMDER ! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.
"That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed.
"It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.
Joseph Heller, Catch-22 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Pete Postlethwaite as son" Mam ,do you want burying or cremating"?
Thora Heard as mum..
"Oh I don't know lad.....surprise me." ! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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another Bender from Futurama one"This is the worst kind of discrimination there is-the kind against me" |
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Every single line in 'A fish called Wanda' x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I saw 6 men punching and kicking the mother-in-law. My neighbour said "Are you going to help"? I said "No, 6 should be enough" - Les Dawson |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Those aren't pillows! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think Game of Thrones will have lots of mentions here"
“You love your children. It’s your one redeeming quality. That, and your cheekbones.”
One that still makes me chuckle. |
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"Those aren't pillows! "
Oh god yes ...and then the aftermath of that!!! My favourite film ever |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Excuse me, do you dig graves?"
"Yeah, they're alright!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Wendy: Is Mike Hunt here? Has anybody seen Mike Hunt?
Meat: Everybody in town, from what I hear.
(Porkies)
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Any Partridge anecdote |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy" |
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"Doctor, can you please give the court your impression of Ted Stryker?"
"I'm sorry I don't do impressions. My training is in psychiatry"
Airplane 2. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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More of a scene then a line...Only fools and horse, in the Nags Heads, Del-boy and Trigger at the bar, two pretty woman walk in, Del says "play in cool Trig, play it cool" attempts to go back to leaning on the bar, only to find the bar gone-smack on the floor goes Del.
P. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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there is a remote tribe that worships the number zero....
Is nothing sacred ! Les Dawson |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I'll have what she's having ! |
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"More of a scene then a line...Only fools and horse, in the Nags Heads, Del-boy and Trigger at the bar, two pretty woman walk in, Del says "play in cool Trig, play it cool" attempts to go back to leaning on the bar, only to find the bar gone-smack on the floor goes Del.
P."
Talk about money..these yuppie birds love it
Trigger... I saw one of those new fivers the other day |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I was born in London..
and went to school in Scotland.I was dead tired when i got home at night...Norman Wisdom |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Death by snu snu"
There's a lot in Home Alone 2 when Tim Curry thinks the guy from the film is talking to him "Get down on your knees and tell me ya love me" and "I saw you smooching with my brother and little Mo with the gimpy leg" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fuzzy wussy was a women?!"
Mens Rhea!!! |
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Is that a cigarette you're smoking?
No, it's a chicken.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Small..... far away... |
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"Small..... far away... "
One of the best Father Ted sketches |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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He's not the massiah, he's a very naughty boy! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s not a man purse. It’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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This building has to be at least three times bigger than this!
A few of my faves |
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By *andonmessMan
over a year ago
A world all of his own |
I wouldn't trust you to open a can of sardines that was already open. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Small..... far away...
One of the best Father Ted sketches"
careful now ! |
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By *cgkcCouple
over a year ago
Hitchin |
Not sure why this always tickles me, from Raising Arizona always makes my titter:
'Balloons! Hey, these blow up into funny shapes at all?'
'Well, no. Unless round is funny.' |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Terry Wogan ."If mrs Wogan has a fault -shes a hoarder.
Which may explain the longevity of our marriage |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Family guy.man at door.
"Hi I'm the exterminator"
Peter:"an X-Terminator"?
"No". |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Easy now fuzzy little man peach".
Old Gregg. |
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Why do they call him the bullet dodger???? Coz he dodgers bullets Avi |
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By *ympho7Couple
over a year ago
swansea |
Summer wine,
amazing its taken 2 billion years to make me a lino salesman.
(clegg) |
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By *ty31Man
over a year ago
NW London |
Pretty much anything Groucho Marx said |
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By *oo32Man
over a year ago
tipperary |
[Removed by poster at 18/03/19 19:16:25] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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____________ |
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smokey and the bandit, sheriff justice to son, there's no way you came from my loins, when I get home im gona punch your mamma in the mouth |
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The royal penis is now clean
Coming to America - chuckle at that one every time |
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"The royal penis is now clean
Coming to America - chuckle at that one every time "
the barbershop scene where they are arguing about boxing funny as |
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WIPERS!!
Called for after the Prince has been to the toilet - coming to America. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Pirates of the Caribbean....
I like opportunities.... I like to wave as they pass by
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"Pretty much anything Groucho Marx said"
She gets her good looks from her Father, he's a plastic surgeon. |
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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago
Craggy Island |
Someone got to go back and get a shit load of dimes. |
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Inspector clouseau "Does your dog bite?"
Hotel reception
"No"
Inspector clouseau pat's dog
" Ahhh nice dugee"
Dog bites his hand
Clouseau to receptionist
"I thought you said your dug does not bite ?"
Receptionist
"That is not my dog"
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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago
Craggy Island |
Frank: Say nice beaver.
Jane: Thanks, I just had it stuffed. (handing down a stuffed Beaver) |
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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago
Craggy Island |
Topper Harley:
I could never find time for love. It's too heavy. It's an anchor that drowns a man. Besides, I got the sky, the smell of jet exhaust, my bike.
Pete 'Dead Meat' Thompson:
A loner?
Topper Harley:
No. I own it. |
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Dark helmet
" I knew it I'm surrounded by assholes !" |
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Dr. Strangelove.
"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room!" |
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"There was only one catch and that was Catch-22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask; and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to. Yossarian was moved very deeply by the absolute simplicity of this clause of Catch-22 and let out a respectful whistle.
"That's some catch, that Catch-22," he observed.
"It's the best there is," Doc Daneeka agreed.
Joseph Heller, Catch-22 "
Hell yes! |
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"I tend to find the most ridiculous things absolutely hilarious.
The one thing that makes me giggle each time I think of or watch it is a scene in Black Books where Manny is telling Bernard that he ate his bees. I couldn’t tell you why but it really really cracks me up. I bloody adore Bill Bailey. "
Hell yeah!!
Manny I don't feel that well. It feels like I'm being beaten up underwater. I can feel bits of my brain falling away like a wet cake. Could you help me?
You lousy, greedy, skinny, fat bastard, Get out ya junkie bastard, two whiskey's ya flobberdobbin knobend - Still Game
and pretty much anything from Blackadder
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"Someone got to go back and get a shit load of dimes."
Hey where are the white women at? |
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"I like Lasagne." uttered by Jack Jarvis. Still Game Series 7 Episode 6 "Down and Out".
It shouldn't actually be so funny, but something extraordinary happens in Jack's tone of voice which takes this line into The Eternal.
A beautiful moment.
Available on the iPlayer at the moment. |
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It's so dam hot.. Milk was a bad choice xx |
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English Baxter, you know I don't speak Spanish... |
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""I like Lasagne." uttered by Jack Jarvis. Still Game Series 7 Episode 6 "Down and Out".
It shouldn't actually be so funny, but something extraordinary happens in Jack's tone of voice which takes this line into The Eternal.
A beautiful moment.
Available on the iPlayer at the moment."
BACK AFF YA SPOOKY BITCH! Lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is that a cigarette you're smoking?
No, it's a chicken.
"
Bizzarely I watched this last night! Hubby got Seasons 1 to 8 on Blueray
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The peoples front of Judia. The life of Brian. |
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Who the hell are you ? Who am I who am I ask the lass she’ll tell you who I am oh will she now jean get your self in hear who the hell is jean (done in a Geordie accent ) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I know lying is wrong, but if the elephant man came in now in a blouse with some make up on, and said "how do I look?" Would you say, bearing in mind he's depressed and has respiratory problems, would you say "go and take that blusher off you mis-shapened elephant tranny"? No. You'd say "You look nice... John |
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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago
Craggy Island |
"Dark helmet
" I knew it I'm surrounded by assholes !""
I said across her nose, not up it. |
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By *litterbabeWoman
over a year ago
hiding from cock pics. |
Fawlty Towers, the line 'is this a piece of your brain',Basil picks up something from the floor after the lady who has the hearing aids fall over |
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By *irthandgirthMan
over a year ago
Camberley occasionally doncaster |
The scene in GoT where Podrick hands Tyrion his money back after being with the 2 whores. Absolute classic
I think I still have a signed pic from the redhead one somewhere |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Right turn Clyde |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bruno
"I love a woman with a vagina" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Treat your kite like your women. Climb inside her 5 times a day and take her to heaven and back. Woof!
Any bird who wants to chain herself to my railing and suffer a jet movement gets my vote.
In fact, any Lord flasheart line is comedy gold. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"a woman rang the bbc and said
there's a hurricane on its way".
"Dont worry there isn't.". Micheal Fish ..1987.
[just before worst storms since 1700's] |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Either he's dead, or my watch has stopped.'
" I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can’t see the stove"
"Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you: he really is an idiot"
Groucho Marx. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Question to Eric Morecambe.."What would you be if not comedians"?
Eric Morecambe
" Mike & Bernie Winters" ! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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If i was your wife I'd poison your tea.
"If i was your husband, I'd drink it."!
Winston Churchill And Groucho Marx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Goodfellas now go and get your fucking shine box |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I know, heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Family guy. Peter at Wishy-washys laundromat..
Wishy washy "We no have your shirt".
Peter "You yes have my shirt" ! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"BLUCHER!"
*horses whinnying* |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"these go to eleven".. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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they misunderestimated me . George doubleyer |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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blackadder...baldrick you are thinker than the large print version of charles dickens complete work
i hear youre a racist now father!!
he has a wife ,you know...her name is incontinentia buttocks |
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"Where I come from, people are hospitable to strangers, but you lot - you! - have made us aboot as welcome as a fart in an astronaut's suit!
Auf Wiedersehen Pet - Oz"
I’m sure that quote applies to single guys on fab aswell  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Of course Auf Wiedersen Pet
Wayne..
"Women are like the Chinese Army.
When you think you've humped and bumped them all..another battalion come over the hill". |
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Your mother is so old, her breast milk is powder : White Chicks |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: You know, I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
Igor: What hump? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sean:
"It's not that I don't wanna spend time with you, cause I do. It's just...Ed doesn't have too many friends."
Ed:
"Can I get..any of you cunts..a drink?" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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when England was a kingdom we had a king when it was an Empire we had an emperor, when it was a country we had Margaret Thatcher!
Kenny Everett |
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it cant take it captain , she's gonna blow |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: You know, I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump.
Igor: What hump?"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was just thinking of starting this thread.
One of my favourites is "I'd eat chips out of her knickers".
Who knows what film it's from? |
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[Removed by poster at 20/03/19 20:30:51] |
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There is accidental racist in Jurassic World where they stay there is a (Packie loose in the Paddock)
Find so fun when it's accidental and the scene was not cut from the film but it is pure comedy Gold when two cultures clash. |
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Anything, pretty much from the mighty Malcolm Tucker, but here are two of my very favourites:
“You breathe a word of this to anyone, you mincing fucking cunt, and I will tear your fucking skin off, I will wear it to your mother’s birthday party and I will rub your nuts up and down her leg whilst whistling Bohemian fucking Rhapsody, right?”
And the timeless:
"Oh Malcolm, did you really buy me flowers?"
"No, no it's just one of the advantages of living near an accident black spot." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Tits first. I’m not a slag!
Gayle Tuesday, Page Three Stunner x
First saw that sketch as a teenager, stuck with me xx
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Don't panic Mr mannering don't panic |
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By *dsindyTV/TS
over a year ago
East Lancashire |
Don't mention the war. Lol.
We didn't start it.
Yes you did, you invaded Poland |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's just like Santa's workshop! Except it smells like mushrooms... and everyone looks like they wanna hurt me...  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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‘Her fists are so dangerous, she's not allowed to be a lesbian’ - Peter Griffin |
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Rik
"I can't believe it..
My parents are dead!
THE SELFISH BASTARD'S,
I was supposed to be going home for the summer holidays"
Neil
"Oh you think that's bad ?"
Rik
" Well yes I do actually,what's it to do with you piss face?" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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mrs.Doyle."Father ted would you like some cake"?
"No thanks".
"Are you sure, there's cocaine in it".
"WHAT".
"Oh silly me - not cocaine ,raisins"! |
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By *arex2Couple
over a year ago
Bradford |
It's 'fried rice', you PLICK! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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peter Griffin, family guy,
"if god had wanted me not to sleep with my wife,he would have made me John Travolta". |
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This exchange from Fawlty Towers (Waldorf Salad) always amused me for some bizarre reason
Basil:"We have palm trees here in Torquay.Do you have palm trees in California?"
Hamilton:"Burt Lancaster had one, they say.But I don't believe them"
So random!
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Basil Fawlty..."Manuel will show you to your rooms...if your lucky" ! |
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"Basil Fawlty..."Manuel will show you to your rooms...if your lucky" !"
Or
"It's a rat, you have rats in Spain don't you? Or did Franco have them all shot? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Martini. Gin, not vodka. Obviously. Stirred for 10 seconds while glancing at an unopened bottle of vermouth.” |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Everything is changing, people are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke .
Will Rogers |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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i only told him to blow the bloody doors |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There’s no way you could’ve come from my loins,
When I get home I’m gonna punch your mother in the mouth. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Young ones.
"Where's your toilet"?
Neil,"Upstairs, just follow your nose" ! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Rik
"I can't believe it..
My parents are dead!
THE SELFISH BASTARD'S,
I was supposed to be going home for the summer holidays"
Neil
"Oh you think that's bad ?"
Rik
" Well yes I do actually,what's it to do with you piss face?""
Brought back great memories that!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was just thinking of starting this thread.
One of my favourites is "I'd eat chips out of her knickers".
Who knows what film it's from? "
Commitments ???? |
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By *-jayMan
over a year ago
Lincolnshire |
How do you like these apples
(Good will hunting) |
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These cows are small.. those ones are FAR AWAY... |
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My name not Ting Tong, it Tong Ting. |
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112 wall Street or IL have your badge, or what you don't like white people.......
112 wall Street you say (die hard with a vengeance passenger to Samuel l Jackson) |
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By *RF12Couple
over a year ago
Colchester |
So many from Snatch
But "whys he called the bullet dodger?"
"cos he dodges bullets Avi"
Does me in everytime |
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By *RF12Couple
over a year ago
Colchester |
"Zeus?"
"Yeah, Zeus, Greek god, don't fuck with me or I'll put a lightning bolt up your ass, that motherfucker" |
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“It was a typo” it should have said “ aunt “
Larry David on curb your enthusiasm explaining how his beloved “aunt” became beloved “cunt” |
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By *ENGUYMan
over a year ago
Hull |
CH4 doing reruns of "Cheers" early weekday mornings at present.
Some of the one liners in those shows are priceless. |
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She d pull up the floor boards looking for pipe
Uncle mick- The hardy bucks |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Mrs.Doyle"Bishop,I can put you some air in your tires...now..what kind of air do you normally put in.?" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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...so i said to the postman... Pop it in Pete..
Larry Grayson |
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An underrated classic very funny movie 'The Dish'
"alot better before you opened your trap!"
https://youtu.be/e2wrEI7DRkk |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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a mildly humourous line thats gone down in history "They think its all over --it is now" |
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By *RF12Couple
over a year ago
Colchester |
"i was talking metaphorically"
"you're talking bollocks" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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______________ |
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" I'm not a pe*do , and even if I was you'd be safe you tubby ginger cunt " |
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