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My preference...
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
Now I may be opening a can of worms here but I find this an interesting topic so let's take a swing at this...
Of course we all have our preferences for multitudes of reasons, often based around early sexual history or experiences. How many of our preferences are based around our negative preconceptions though? How many are based around our cultural stereotypes or our biases and if they are, do you consciously challenge those?
I'm not looking to challenge people, I'm interested though as to what makes up these vague "it's my preference" replies that could cover a multitude of sins. |
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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago
.. |
If it’s something I don’t find appealing or attractive then my preference is not to engage with it. It doesn’t matter where it comes from. You can’t just overlook the fact the certain things are not appealing to you, nor should you have to. However, I do feel that people should take responsibility for the way they express it. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"If it’s something I don’t find appealing or attractive then my preference is not to engage with it. It doesn’t matter where it comes from. You can’t just overlook the fact the certain things are not appealing to you, nor should you have to. However, I do feel that people should take responsibility for the way they express it. "
No, nor am I saying that certain things should. I'm just curious as to whether people challenge certain preconceptions that can govern preferences.
As I said; I'm not looking to challenge those preferences, I'm wondering if people challenge their own. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My preferences are wide open and abundant.
The only one I rarely stray from is age. I have tried men around my age and over, but they rarely do it for me sexually.
When it comes to other things what comes out of their mouths will put me off, but that could come from any one.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think all my preferences are from negative reasons. I have no intention of challenging any of those feelings. I don't make them known so they don't affect anyone else. |
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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago
.. |
"If it’s something I don’t find appealing or attractive then my preference is not to engage with it. It doesn’t matter where it comes from. You can’t just overlook the fact the certain things are not appealing to you, nor should you have to. However, I do feel that people should take responsibility for the way they express it.
No, nor am I saying that certain things should. I'm just curious as to whether people challenge certain preconceptions that can govern preferences.
As I said; I'm not looking to challenge those preferences, I'm wondering if people challenge their own. "
Difficult to say in my case because I don’t really have strong preferences. I’m all about the person. I do see what you mean though. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"We all have our preferences but now and again something or someone will come along and make us think ‘ oh actually....’ That’s how I feel anyway  "
True. I've recently been out on a date with a 55 year old man. I'm enjoying his attention and company, but we haven't had sex yet. |
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I had been guilty of sticking rigidly to preferences for the first few years on the scene. It didn’t do me any favours. Now I have a much more open mind and approach this scene in a very pansexual way. Basically if I like you and there is some attraction then that’s all that matters. I no longer care about what other people think.
I prefer having fun rather than putting obstacles in my own way. I’m having a much better experience as a result.
My style of play isn’t for everyone and for those with rigid preferences, as long as it works for them it’s all good. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I think all my preferences are from negative reasons. I have no intention of challenging any of those feelings. I don't make them known so they don't affect anyone else. "
You obviously understand yours, clearly from a learned experience. Without prying into what or why they are, what has led you to never want to challenge them? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As a couple also when we started we thought we didn’t want to do certain things, like no kissing, as we have had more experiences we frickin love the kisses - our preferences and boundaries have changed. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My preferences are pretty wide open to be honest. I like weird things about people that I can only get in person so no longer overthink things online. The only thing that's fairly consistent is preferring guys of a similar age. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My preference is or was or still is for tall men, reason being, I like feeling all small and cute and protected. I developed that crush on the gym guy I worked with and it blew that preference out the water because he wasn’t over 5’8 but I still was massively attracted to him.
My preference was or is for willys with a circumference of at least 5.5” and 7” or over in length, reason being, I love the sharp stretchy stingy feeling when it first goes inside me. I have however had the best sex I’ve ever had with a guy who was under 7” but he had girth.
Umm I don’t know where I’m going with this! |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I had been guilty of sticking rigidly to preferences for the first few years on the scene. It didn’t do me any favours. Now I have a much more open mind and approach this scene in a very pansexual way. Basically if I like you and there is some attraction then that’s all that matters. I no longer care about what other people think.
I prefer having fun rather than putting obstacles in my own way. I’m having a much better experience as a result.
My style of play isn’t for everyone and for those with rigid preferences, as long as it works for them it’s all good. "
This is kind of what I had in mind, the conscious challenge and deconstruction of those things. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My preference is or was or still is for tall men, reason being, I like feeling all small and cute and protected. I developed that crush on the gym guy I worked with and it blew that preference out the water because he wasn’t over 5’8 but I still was massively attracted to him.
My preference was or is for willys with a circumference of at least 5.5” and 7” or over in length, reason being, I love the sharp stretchy stingy feeling when it first goes inside me. I have however had the best sex I’ve ever had with a guy who was under 7” but he had girth.
Umm I don’t know where I’m going with this!"
That your preferences can alter in different situations? X |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think all my preferences are from negative reasons. I have no intention of challenging any of those feelings. I don't make them known so they don't affect anyone else.
You obviously understand yours, clearly from a learned experience. Without prying into what or why they are, what has led you to never want to challenge them? "
Because I'm happy with how things are. I don't feel the need to 'persuade' myself to meet someone who doesn't fit my preferences.
Sorry if that's too vague. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"My preference is or was or still is for tall men, reason being, I like feeling all small and cute and protected. I developed that crush on the gym guy I worked with and it blew that preference out the water because he wasn’t over 5’8 but I still was massively attracted to him.
My preference was or is for willys with a circumference of at least 5.5” and 7” or over in length, reason being, I love the sharp stretchy stingy feeling when it first goes inside me. I have however had the best sex I’ve ever had with a guy who was under 7” but he had girth.
Umm I don’t know where I’m going with this!"
This is kind of what I was aiming for to a degree. Obviously not to the specifics of your situation but that in being fluid with your 'wants' you've found more of what you like.
I also find it interesting that it was a specific encounter that has opened your eyes to the height preference. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I think all my preferences are from negative reasons. I have no intention of challenging any of those feelings. I don't make them known so they don't affect anyone else.
You obviously understand yours, clearly from a learned experience. Without prying into what or why they are, what has led you to never want to challenge them?
Because I'm happy with how things are. I don't feel the need to 'persuade' myself to meet someone who doesn't fit my preferences.
Sorry if that's too vague. "
No, that answers my question in non specific terms. Thanks.
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"My preference is or was or still is for tall men, reason being, I like feeling all small and cute and protected. I developed that crush on the gym guy I worked with and it blew that preference out the water because he wasn’t over 5’8 but I still was massively attracted to him.
My preference was or is for willys with a circumference of at least 5.5” and 7” or over in length, reason being, I love the sharp stretchy stingy feeling when it first goes inside me. I have however had the best sex I’ve ever had with a guy who was under 7” but he had girth.
Umm I don’t know where I’m going with this!
That your preferences can alter in different situations? X"
Nicely put.
I do wonder if the lack of available options also drives people to widen or relax their preferences... |
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By *stellaWoman
over a year ago
London |
"Now I may be opening a can of worms here but I find this an interesting topic so let's take a swing at this...
Of course we all have our preferences for multitudes of reasons, often based around early sexual history or experiences. How many of our preferences are based around our negative preconceptions though? How many are based around our cultural stereotypes or our biases and if they are, do you consciously challenge those?
I'm not looking to challenge people, I'm interested though as to what makes up these vague "it's my preference" replies that could cover a multitude of sins. "
I find this a fascinating topic too.
I try to challenge my preconceptions continuously. |
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By *pider-WomanWoman
over a year ago
Exeter, Bristol, Plymouth, Truro |
Its not something I have any control over it's an instinct my preference has always been the same.
I've met many guys over the years that I really liked as people but when it's not there it's not there and I need that " I want you : feeling in my life.
Having said that if the lust is there we also need to connect on a mental level.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't have any biased towards certain people but I do have an underlying knowledge of stereotypes and I can't say for sure I'm not guilty of erring on the side of caution or expecting certain characteristics when engaging with them.
When it comes to choosing potential partners I have no set rules or "preferences" other than physical appearance which I guess isn't really the point, you need to be attracted to someone to want to play.
I do respect that others do have them though but they are the ones I'd be more inclined to avoid, open mindedness and embracing diversity are traits I find attractive. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I don't have any biased towards certain people but I do have an underlying knowledge of stereotypes and I can't say for sure I'm not guilty of erring on the side of caution or expecting certain characteristics when engaging with them.
When it comes to choosing potential partners I have no set rules or "preferences" other than physical appearance which I guess isn't really the point, you need to be attracted to someone to want to play.
I do respect that others do have them though but they are the ones I'd be more inclined to avoid, open mindedness and embracing diversity are traits I find attractive. "
Thank you, I agree with you regarding certain characteristics that you find attractive or not.
I do sometimes find myself challenging myself on what or why my 'lines' are where they are. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I dont go in with any preconceptions of people I think. I just know if I like them or not, or know if I want to take the time to know them. Like Spiderwoman said above its more an instinct isnt it, rather though Oh you are tall dark and handsome so therefore I must fancy you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think our preferences stem from a variety of sources: both positive and negative. In the main these don't need to be challenged as it's usually a matter of basic, animal attraction.
BUT, I do think that when we have actual negative connotations about an entire group, not just a preference for another group (such as ethnicity) it's worth examining where that comes from.
A base animal urge is one thing but biased negativity is another. |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I dont go in with any preconceptions of people I think. I just know if I like them or not, or know if I want to take the time to know them. Like Spiderwoman said above its more an instinct isnt it, rather though Oh you are tall dark and handsome so therefore I must fancy you. "
Yes, but my question is more along the lines of what is it about 'that' which hits your spot, do you objectively question what or why it is? |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I think our preferences stem from a variety of sources: both positive and negative. In the main these don't need to be challenged as it's usually a matter of basic, animal attraction.
BUT, I do think that when we have actual negative connotations about an entire group, not just a preference for another group (such as ethnicity) it's worth examining where that comes from.
A base animal urge is one thing but biased negativity is another."
A very good point, certainly biased negatively is worth challenging |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I don't really have strong preferences as such.
I mean that in things like height, hair colour,age etc.
I guess I have an ideal in my mind but I've met with some fantastic people that are far from my ideal, who have been lovely and you I've had a fantastic time with so I tend to just judge on an individual basis.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My preference is or was or still is for tall men, reason being, I like feeling all small and cute and protected. I developed that crush on the gym guy I worked with and it blew that preference out the water because he wasn’t over 5’8 but I still was massively attracted to him.
My preference was or is for willys with a circumference of at least 5.5” and 7” or over in length, reason being, I love the sharp stretchy stingy feeling when it first goes inside me. I have however had the best sex I’ve ever had with a guy who was under 7” but he had girth.
Umm I don’t know where I’m going with this!
That your preferences can alter in different situations? X
Nicely put.
I do wonder if the lack of available options also drives people to widen or relax their preferences... "
Nope, if I hadn’t had that crush on that guy who wasn’t over 6 foot I’d never have changed what I go for. It’s only from knowing that I was massively attracted to him and so I could also be massively attracted to someone else his height that made me change my mind. I was quite rigid in my preferences. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Certainly my late discovery of the erotic possibilities of the arsehole was directly related to a negative experience in Derby Royal Infirmary. At the tender age of 21 an Indian Doctor who decided he would cure my week long episode of explosive diarrhoea by shoving his fingers up my arse. Funnily enough it did cure my diarrhoea as I then didn’t shit for four days  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I dont go in with any preconceptions of people I think. I just know if I like them or not, or know if I want to take the time to know them. Like Spiderwoman said above its more an instinct isnt it, rather though Oh you are tall dark and handsome so therefore I must fancy you.
Yes, but my question is more along the lines of what is it about 'that' which hits your spot, do you objectively question what or why it is? "
Im having a really thick moment trying to understand the question, can you ask me in a different way   |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I dont go in with any preconceptions of people I think. I just know if I like them or not, or know if I want to take the time to know them. Like Spiderwoman said above its more an instinct isnt it, rather though Oh you are tall dark and handsome so therefore I must fancy you.
Yes, but my question is more along the lines of what is it about 'that' which hits your spot, do you objectively question what or why it is?
Im having a really thick moment trying to understand the question, can you ask me in a different way "
If you fancy a certain guy or a certain 'look', do you question what it is about it that you like? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think our preferences stem from a variety of sources: both positive and negative. In the main these don't need to be challenged as it's usually a matter of basic, animal attraction.
BUT, I do think that when we have actual negative connotations about an entire group, not just a preference for another group (such as ethnicity) it's worth examining where that comes from.
A base animal urge is one thing but biased negativity is another."
If they know where the negativity is from and they're happy with whatever that is, would that be ok? Assuming the negativity about that group/ type/ aspect only related to sex and not life in general.
Sorry if this sounds argumentative, I'm not, I want to see it from a different viewpoint to mine. |
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"Now I may be opening a can of worms here but I find this an interesting topic so let's take a swing at this...
Of course we all have our preferences for multitudes of reasons, often based around early sexual history or experiences. How many of our preferences are based around our negative preconceptions though? How many are based around our cultural stereotypes or our biases and if they are, do you consciously challenge those?
I'm not looking to challenge people, I'm interested though as to what makes up these vague "it's my preference" replies that could cover a multitude of sins. "
When we first started swinging eight years ago we were pretty rigid with our preferences . We only wanted to meet women of a certain size and only younger than my wife . Men had to be fit , again my wife’s age or younger , and couples both had to be her age or lower , and not on the larger size . We also didn’t want to meet Asians , blacks or anyone other than Caucasian and certainly no bi men .
Well that lasted about three months and those three months were rubbish . We have very few happy memories of that time . We would go to a club and not find anyone who hit the mark for us . Same with parties , on here , dogging . Just the odd person here and there , and invariably little or no personality .
After three months we relaxed our preferences , primarily because we were sick of seeing everyone else having so much fun , while we sat around bemoaning the lack of people suitable for us . And as time passed we got to the point where we would find we didn’t really have any preferences at all . Black , Asian , Japanese , all races were great fun to meet , larger people also floated our boat way more than we thought they would , and bi guys were always so much fun . Older , younger and everything in between made our swinging life so much fun . We certainly found that having lots of preferences spoiled what is essentially such a fun pastime . |
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By *ea monkey OP Man
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"I think our preferences stem from a variety of sources: both positive and negative. In the main these don't need to be challenged as it's usually a matter of basic, animal attraction.
BUT, I do think that when we have actual negative connotations about an entire group, not just a preference for another group (such as ethnicity) it's worth examining where that comes from.
A base animal urge is one thing but biased negativity is another.
If they know where the negativity is from and they're happy with whatever that is, would that be ok? Assuming the negativity about that group/ type/ aspect only related to sex and not life in general.
Sorry if this sounds argumentative, I'm not, I want to see it from a different viewpoint to mine. "
That's an interesting point. From my perspective I'd wonder why I was negative about them sexually but not necessarily personally, what about them did I not find attractive.
I'm not saying that you have to find someone sexually attractive to accept them as a person but if the basis of the lack of attraction was based on a negative stereotype, just how accepting are you being? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I dont go in with any preconceptions of people I think. I just know if I like them or not, or know if I want to take the time to know them. Like Spiderwoman said above its more an instinct isnt it, rather though Oh you are tall dark and handsome so therefore I must fancy you.
Yes, but my question is more along the lines of what is it about 'that' which hits your spot, do you objectively question what or why it is?
Im having a really thick moment trying to understand the question, can you ask me in a different way
If you fancy a certain guy or a certain 'look', do you question what it is about it that you like? "
If it is someone who I wouldn't have classed as my general type but I still like them, then maybe I would yes unless I was just too busy fancying them |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I think our preferences stem from a variety of sources: both positive and negative. In the main these don't need to be challenged as it's usually a matter of basic, animal attraction.
BUT, I do think that when we have actual negative connotations about an entire group, not just a preference for another group (such as ethnicity) it's worth examining where that comes from.
A base animal urge is one thing but biased negativity is another.
If they know where the negativity is from and they're happy with whatever that is, would that be ok? Assuming the negativity about that group/ type/ aspect only related to sex and not life in general.
Sorry if this sounds argumentative, I'm not, I want to see it from a different viewpoint to mine.
That's an interesting point. From my perspective I'd wonder why I was negative about them sexually but not necessarily personally, what about them did I not find attractive.
I'm not saying that you have to find someone sexually attractive to accept them as a person but if the basis of the lack of attraction was based on a negative stereotype, just how accepting are you being? "
Well I have great friends that I'd absolutely never want to fuck. I like them in every way except sexually. So not sure how accepting that could be classed as.
I don't think my negative feelings are based on stereotypes though. My own personal stereotypes maybe. |
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