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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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My husband and I have no sex life. Our sex life is rather...dead. I alway come onto him, but he's just not interested. He usually turns away. When I ask him why he says he has no interest in sex. That he doesn't feel horny anymore despite a lot of efforts made by me.
Now here's the annoying part. I know he wanks regularly. (He usually doesn't clean his own mess). Last night though we were watching a movie. I fell asleep and when I woke I decided I should probably just go to bed, I made my way upstairs to find him wanking on our bed whit his laptop open. Now it doesn't take a genius to work out what he is up too. When I walked in he shut his laptop. Then says "I was just checking my email".
Feeling really annoyed I confront him and ask him why he bothers lying. He admits he was wanking but doesn't think there's a problem. I just don't get it all. He doesn't want sex but is happy to have a wank.
Like seriously why? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Wanking is purely perfunctory. There are no emotions, no other person to think about, no pressure.
Sex however is the opposite if you're doing it right. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"He may be wanking but you are on here? Does he know?"
No he doesn't know. I only came in here after years of frustration. Yes I've chatted to him several times about it. |
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"He may be wanking but you are on here? Does he know?"
This 
You may be pissed off and confused by his wanking and not wanting sex but imagine how he’d feel knowing you’re on a swinging site without his knowledge! |
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"He may be wanking but you are on here? Does he know?
No he doesn't know. I only came in here after years of frustration. Yes I've chatted to him several times about it. "
To be totally honest with you I think you being on here without his knowledge is far worse than him wanking with your knowledge..sorry |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My husband and I have no sex life. Our sex life is rather...dead. I alway come onto him, but he's just not interested. He usually turns away. When I ask him why he says he has no interest in sex. That he doesn't feel horny anymore despite a lot of efforts made by me.
Now here's the annoying part. I know he wanks regularly. (He usually doesn't clean his own mess). Last night though we were watching a movie. I fell asleep and when I woke I decided I should probably just go to bed, I made my way upstairs to find him wanking on our bed whit his laptop open. Now it doesn't take a genius to work out what he is up too. When I walked in he shut his laptop. Then says "I was just checking my email".
Feeling really annoyed I confront him and ask him why he bothers lying. He admits he was wanking but doesn't think there's a problem. I just don't get it all. He doesn't want sex but is happy to have a wank.
Like seriously why?"
Low testosterone! Honestly, this happens a lot to guys. |
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"Might be gay?"
In all seriousness, there maybe some truth in this-not to mean he’s gay-in the sense he has developed different kink(s) and gone off vanilla sex, and too scared or ashamed to admit his new found kinks to you? |
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"My husband and I have no sex life. Our sex life is rather...dead. I alway come onto him, but he's just not interested. He usually turns away. When I ask him why he says he has no interest in sex. That he doesn't feel horny anymore despite a lot of efforts made by me.
Now here's the annoying part. I know he wanks regularly. (He usually doesn't clean his own mess). Last night though we were watching a movie. I fell asleep and when I woke I decided I should probably just go to bed, I made my way upstairs to find him wanking on our bed whit his laptop open. Now it doesn't take a genius to work out what he is up too. When I walked in he shut his laptop. Then says "I was just checking my email".
Feeling really annoyed I confront him and ask him why he bothers lying. He admits he was wanking but doesn't think there's a problem. I just don't get it all. He doesn't want sex but is happy to have a wank.
Like seriously why?"
Wtf... you look gorgeous..I can't understand why he would do such a thing |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m so sorry you’re frustrated and that you’re hurt by his seeming interest in satisfying himself rather than satisfying each other.
I agree with a few posts above. There seems to be a communication break down and sadly- although you were frustrated at the time- confrontation isn’t going to get the answers or better the solutions.
You both need to want to talk. Be frank. Say you want to listen to him... then truly listen. Likewise he needs to listen.
Try not to accuse
Good luck Hun x
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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He's obviously a porn addict. Wanking too much lowers your libido and sex drive. Get one of the cages and make him wear it. You're sexy yes but porn is different. That's my thought. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thanks for all the advice so far. I have spoken to him several times now. He just keeps replying with the same thing. He has no interest in sex. I've tried weekends away. Dressing up. Asking him what he would like. Nothing seems to work |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thanks for all the advice so far. I have spoken to him several times now. He just keeps replying with the same thing. He has no interest in sex. I've tried weekends away. Dressing up. Asking him what he would like. Nothing seems to work "
Was he ever interested in sex? Perhaps he feels self conscious and doesn't want to get naked.
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"Thanks for all the advice so far. I have spoken to him several times now. He just keeps replying with the same thing. He has no interest in sex. I've tried weekends away. Dressing up. Asking him what he would like. Nothing seems to work "
Ok, have you explained to him how important sex and intimacy are to you?
Has he always been this way or did things change? Did anything trigger this?
He obviously has some interest in sex otherwise he wouldn't be wanking.
Do you think he could be having an affair ( not necessarily physical, could be emotional)
It's a hard position to be in, I do feel for you OP.
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By *oxy_minxWoman
over a year ago
Scotland - Aberdeen |
Can I ask how old your husband is?
I used to be in a sexless relationship, we hadn't had sex in over 2 years and were more like friends.
I was only early 30 at the time, so I gave it up and moved back to mine, 10+ years ago and guess what? I still can't find someone I want to have sex with!
I don't know what the answer is tbh |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Maybe you need a bit of a heart to heart OP.
Maybe he’s really into porn, and maybe has lost a bit of that magic that you both used to have?
Maybe try and reach a compromise?
Let him watch the porn but encourage him to start to have sex with you too, maybe explore fantasies together and reignite the passion? You both could then get the best of both worlds maybe.
He could watch titties tomorrow and then bang you later! Win / win.
I hope things work out for you |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"He may be wanking but you are on here? Does he know?
This
You may be pissed off and confused by his wanking and not wanting sex but imagine how he’d feel knowing you’re on a swinging site without his knowledge!"
Him wanking = no cheating
You meeting on fab = cheating. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had a similar situation except he was having sex with someone else.
Nothing I did could make him want me, but he wanted her.
Have a talk with him and ask if he wants to be with you. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"He may be wanking but you are on here? Does he know?
This
You may be pissed off and confused by his wanking and not wanting sex but imagine how he’d feel knowing you’re on a swinging site without his knowledge!
Him wanking = no cheating
You meeting on fab = cheating. "
That's not actually true. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"He may be wanking but you are on here? Does he know?
This
You may be pissed off and confused by his wanking and not wanting sex but imagine how he’d feel knowing you’re on a swinging site without his knowledge!
Him wanking = no cheating
You meeting on fab = cheating.
That's not actually true. "
It is you are on fab meeting! It shows meets on your profile. You cheat, he cheats in his head with porn, not that same thing my dear. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Thanks for all the advice so far. I have spoken to him several times now. He just keeps replying with the same thing. He has no interest in sex. I've tried weekends away. Dressing up. Asking him what he would like. Nothing seems to work
Ok, have you explained to him how important sex and intimacy are to you?
Has he always been this way or did things change? Did anything trigger this?
He obviously has some interest in sex otherwise he wouldn't be wanking.
Do you think he could be having an affair ( not necessarily physical, could be emotional)
It's a hard position to be in, I do feel for you OP.
"
We used to have great sex. Like all the time. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. Even after the kids. Then he had an affair and after that things were never the same. Despite the fact that I forgave him and I never bring it up. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thanks for all the advice so far. I have spoken to him several times now. He just keeps replying with the same thing. He has no interest in sex. I've tried weekends away. Dressing up. Asking him what he would like. Nothing seems to work
Ok, have you explained to him how important sex and intimacy are to you?
Has he always been this way or did things change? Did anything trigger this?
He obviously has some interest in sex otherwise he wouldn't be wanking.
Do you think he could be having an affair ( not necessarily physical, could be emotional)
It's a hard position to be in, I do feel for you OP.
We used to have great sex. Like all the time. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. Even after the kids. Then he had an affair and after that things were never the same. Despite the fact that I forgave him and I never bring it up."
So you are on here to get your own back? Not having a go but trying to understand? Do you think he’s having another affair? |
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My ex husband stopped wanting sex with me. I'd have to beg for it and even then his heart didn't seem into it. Caused all sorts of issues. It took for my infidelity which I'm not proud of at all; I should have just left when it was no longer working, for him to actually tell me what was wrong. Where I thought it was all down to him not wanting me turns out suprise surprise it was 50/50 go figure when there's 2 of you in a relationship. A simple comment I'd made about the bend in his penis had given him a complex. His insecurity then fed mine as I didn't feel sexy when he didn't want to be intimate with me, round in circles it went. Till it broke.
Either it's already broke and you both need to admit it and call it a day or find out what the true issue is and fix it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I understand why many are questioning you being on here but it really is a side issue. I am sure you would gladly give up looking for sex elsewhere if your husband and you could restart the sex life you had (true?). The fact he had an affair and things are not great now indicates there are unresolved issues in the relationship. I would suggest the two of you having some relationship counselling. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Thanks for all the advice so far. I have spoken to him several times now. He just keeps replying with the same thing. He has no interest in sex. I've tried weekends away. Dressing up. Asking him what he would like. Nothing seems to work
Ok, have you explained to him how important sex and intimacy are to you?
Has he always been this way or did things change? Did anything trigger this?
He obviously has some interest in sex otherwise he wouldn't be wanking.
Do you think he could be having an affair ( not necessarily physical, could be emotional)
It's a hard position to be in, I do feel for you OP.
We used to have great sex. Like all the time. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. Even after the kids. Then he had an affair and after that things were never the same. Despite the fact that I forgave him and I never bring it up.
So you are on here to get your own back? Not having a go but trying to understand? Do you think he’s having another affair? "
It's been 2 years since his affair. I found out by accident. Found messages on his phone. We had been having loads of sex at the time so it came as a surprise. We worked through things and he said that he wanted our marriage and me. I forgave him. Since then I'd say we have had sex maybe 10 times. I've tried everything. He just isn't interested. So I ended up here. I haven't considered that be night be having an affair again until a pm o got. |
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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago
Newcastle upon Tyne |
There are a lot of issues going on between you and your husband both of you seem to be hiding things from one another, definitely communication breakdown.
Listen to a podcast called the butterfly effect it is only 7 episodes long but in one episode there are some interesting facts about the effect porn is having on males in general. If you listen to it together it might help both of you recognise what is becoming a serious problem. |
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"
So you are on here to get your own back? Not having a go but trying to understand? Do you think he’s having another affair?
It's been 2 years since his affair. I found out by accident. Found messages on his phone. We had been having loads of sex at the time so it came as a surprise. We worked through things and he said that he wanted our marriage and me. I forgave him. Since then I'd say we have had sex maybe 10 times. I've tried everything. He just isn't interested. So I ended up here. I haven't considered that be night be having an affair again until a pm o got. "
Maybe he's regretting his decision  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Maybe he knows your cheating on him and as such finds you repulsive as thats all he can think of im a sexual situation with you.
I think its lovley how nice and supportive everyone has been of you though, even tbe members who were being very nasty to the cheating guy in the other thread 
Whats the phrase "pussy pass"?  |
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"Thanks for all the advice so far. I have spoken to him several times now. He just keeps replying with the same thing. He has no interest in sex. I've tried weekends away. Dressing up. Asking him what he would like. Nothing seems to work
Ok, have you explained to him how important sex and intimacy are to you?
Has he always been this way or did things change? Did anything trigger this?
He obviously has some interest in sex otherwise he wouldn't be wanking.
Do you think he could be having an affair ( not necessarily physical, could be emotional)
It's a hard position to be in, I do feel for you OP.
We used to have great sex. Like all the time. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. Even after the kids. Then he had an affair and after that things were never the same. Despite the fact that I forgave him and I never bring it up."
Ah. Sounds to me like he is either still having an affair or he resents you for the affair ending.
If you've never discussed why he had the affair then it's never really be put to bed , you've both stuck your heads in the sand to a certain extent.
I'd suggest couples counselling ie Relate.
It might not fix your marriage, but it will give you both the opportunity to discuss the elephant in the room and hopefully move in from it one way or another.
If he refuses to engage, you need to make the decision whether you can bite the bullet and stay, or go.
Good luck.
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"I don’t think he fancies you anymore.
That’s an honest answer, blunt, but honest."
after 19 years of being with my wife I stopped fancying her, love her to bits still do but unfortunetly I didn't talk to her about and after 2 years we parted had I talked to her about it we might still be together, communication is the way forward
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don’t think he fancies you anymore.
That’s an honest answer, blunt, but honest.
after 19 years of being with my wife I stopped fancying her, love her to bits still do but unfortunetly I didn't talk to her about and after 2 years we parted had I talked to her about it we might still be together, communication is the way forward
"
Can you make yourself fancy someone you have gone off or gotten bored with? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Maybe he knows your cheating on him and as such finds you repulsive as thats all he can think of im a sexual situation with you.
I think its lovley how nice and supportive everyone has been of you though, even tbe members who were being very nasty to the cheating guy in the other thread
Whats the phrase "pussy pass"? "
Doesn’t matter if your Male or female you’ll be treated the same. She’s a cheat and the guy on the other thread was too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I don’t think he fancies you anymore.
That’s an honest answer, blunt, but honest.
after 19 years of being with my wife I stopped fancying her, love her to bits still do but unfortunetly I didn't talk to her about and after 2 years we parted had I talked to her about it we might still be together, communication is the way forward
Can you make yourself fancy someone you have gone off or gotten bored with?"
Sadly you can’t! I’ve tried with my ex |
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"Thanks for all the advice so far. I have spoken to him several times now. He just keeps replying with the same thing. He has no interest in sex. I've tried weekends away. Dressing up. Asking him what he would like. Nothing seems to work "
I totally get this! Had the same situation myself. He just didn’t want sex. My other half at the time was on medication though (for anxiety) which effected his need for intimacy. Is that a possibility (medication) ?
I spoke to him lots too! Tried seduction, nights drinking, hotels etc... nothing! Most frustrating 6 years if my entire life  |
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If someone, be they male or female, is posting and asking for help and advice then that's what I'd try to give them.
Regardless of their sex.
Being judgemental isn't helpful.
I prefer a bit of empathy every time.
Very few people are perfect. |
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"If someone, be they male or female, is posting and asking for help and advice then that's what I'd try to give them.
Regardless of their sex.
Being judgemental isn't helpful.
I prefer a bit of empathy every time.
Very few people are perfect."
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"My husband and I have no sex life. Our sex life is rather...dead. I alway come onto him, but he's just not interested. He usually turns away. When I ask him why he says he has no interest in sex. That he doesn't feel horny anymore despite a lot of efforts made by me.
Now here's the annoying part. I know he wanks regularly. (He usually doesn't clean his own mess). Last night though we were watching a movie. I fell asleep and when I woke I decided I should probably just go to bed, I made my way upstairs to find him wanking on our bed whit his laptop open. Now it doesn't take a genius to work out what he is up too. When I walked in he shut his laptop. Then says "I was just checking my email".
Feeling really annoyed I confront him and ask him why he bothers lying. He admits he was wanking but doesn't think there's a problem. I just don't get it all. He doesn't want sex but is happy to have a wank.
Like seriously why?"
Maybe he knows you're on fab and doesn't want to confront you as he's comfortable with life.
But he might be disgusted with what you're doing and doesn't want to have sex with you.
Try talking to him
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First, you're lying to him.
If you want your relationship to have any hope you need to be honest (or separate)
Lack of libido can have several causes but if he's regularly madturbating it's unlikely he has that.
Asexuality is also unlikely if he's choking th chicken on a regular basis.
He may not feel sexually attracted to you anymore.
He may be dealing with other issues like sexuality or unusual proclivities that he doesn't feel comfortable talking about with you.
Sit down and be fully honest about your sexual needs, ask him about his. Talk together to solve the problem.
Lies do nobody favours. |
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"If someone, be they male or female, is posting and asking for help and advice then that's what I'd try to give them.
Regardless of their sex.
Being judgemental isn't helpful.
I prefer a bit of empathy every time.
Very few people are perfect."
Judgemental or not think it’s pretty crap a) cheat (5 years in a sexless marriage and I managed not to so it’s doable) and b) to discuss such a personal issue like this with complete strangers on a public forum that anyone can read without even a member of the site
Being judgementals human we all do it on some level I’d rather own it than act above it |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sometimes the balance between sex and a wank tips in favour of a wank. Consider potential issues such as work stress, exhaustion, physical condition etc, I don't know if any of these are relevant to him but sometimes if a person is wanking when he could be fucking it's because he hasn't the energy to fuck but wants his balls empty. It can be as simple as that sometimes |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If someone, be they male or female, is posting and asking for help and advice then that's what I'd try to give them.
Regardless of their sex.
Being judgemental isn't helpful.
I prefer a bit of empathy every time.
Very few people are perfect."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ah the wonderful world of fab and its double standards! "
You're not suggesting that if a guy had posted this, he'd have new holes torn into him are you?  |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
I haven't read the whole thread so this may have been covered.
Wanking is a release. It may also be a habit. It's perfunctory and the relationship is simple.
Sex in relationships is complicated. It comes with baggage and expectations and resentments about who loaded the dishwasher. The desire lives in the brain and not the loins. It needs to be nurtured and invested in by both parties.
Have you considered counselling?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Very interesting reading.
I don’t have any answers for you other than posting here probably wasn’t the best idea having seen other threads on this subject in the past. All I can say is you and only you can decide what to do and where to go from here and like I say about everything in life, unless you’re in the same situation as someone you can’t possible understand. Sounds like a horrible and difficult predicament you’re in and I hope whatever you decide that it all works out for you |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Very interesting reading.
I don’t have any answers for you other than posting here probably wasn’t the best idea having seen other threads on this subject in the past. All I can say is you and only you can decide what to do and where to go from here and like I say about everything in life, unless you’re in the same situation as someone you can’t possible understand. Sounds like a horrible and difficult predicament you’re in and I hope whatever you decide that it all works out for you "
Thanks |
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The question is why doesn't he want sex? I think you need to investigate that with some kind of councillor, maybe Relate, to find out if the underlying issues can be resolved or if you need to call it a day. Good luck. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The question is why doesn't he want sex? I think you need to investigate that with some kind of councillor, maybe Relate, to find out if the underlying issues can be resolved or if you need to call it a day. Good luck. "
We've been to the doctors and a councillor |
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I really feel for you...we divorced...it was for the best looking back.. but it split the family...our kids were grown up so less of a trauma.. I feel that I kept quiet for years to give them stability |
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"The question is why doesn't he want sex? I think you need to investigate that with some kind of councillor, maybe Relate, to find out if the underlying issues can be resolved or if you need to call it a day. Good luck.
We've been to the doctors and a councillor "
And did you get to the bottom of it? Did they recommend anything? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thanks for all the advice so far. I have spoken to him several times now. He just keeps replying with the same thing. He has no interest in sex. I've tried weekends away. Dressing up. Asking him what he would like. Nothing seems to work "
Have you tried to dig a little deeper, why is he not interested in sex? Bad experience? Doesn't enjoy it? Or what does he enjoy?
As for you being on here, we all have different situations so don't think it's fair to be judged by others x |
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By *W ChapMan
over a year ago
Swindon |
"My husband and I have no sex life. Our sex life is rather...dead. I alway come onto him, but he's just not interested. He usually turns away. When I ask him why he says he has no interest in sex. That he doesn't feel horny anymore despite a lot of efforts made by me.
Now here's the annoying part. I know he wanks regularly. (He usually doesn't clean his own mess). Last night though we were watching a movie. I fell asleep and when I woke I decided I should probably just go to bed, I made my way upstairs to find him wanking on our bed whit his laptop open. Now it doesn't take a genius to work out what he is up too. When I walked in he shut his laptop. Then says "I was just checking my email".
Feeling really annoyed I confront him and ask him why he bothers lying. He admits he was wanking but doesn't think there's a problem. I just don't get it all. He doesn't want sex but is happy to have a wank.
Like seriously why?"
IMO, I reckon he's having an affair again. |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
"Maybe you should tell him you are on here?
Heavens above should a guy posted this "
I don't think there is any difference this time, a lot of people are commenting on the fact she has a profile on here rather than trying to help or give advice...men get that too
It is a shame people can't just try and help |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Maybe he's on here too and wanking on cam ( just a thought) you need to sit him down tell him how hurt you are and how you have noticed a change in him lately. If he's not Willing to sit and talk about it then maybe you need to decide if being in your marriage is really making you happy or is it time to split x |
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By *ugby 123Couple
over a year ago
Forum Mod O o O oo |
To the OP...I would feel rejected with this and can understand why you are upset ( although him leaving his mess about after his wank would annoy the hell out of me )I don't have an answer but there was a post further up that seemed plausible about just needing to unload but has no inclination to get intimate with another person.
Obviously that doesn't answer why he doesn't want to be intimate with you and it looks like you have tried communication and outside help.....if none of it is working for you to find an answer, I think you have a big decision to make |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The question is why doesn't he want sex? I think you need to investigate that with some kind of councillor, maybe Relate, to find out if the underlying issues can be resolved or if you need to call it a day. Good luck.
We've been to the doctors and a councillor
And did you get to the bottom of it? Did they recommend anything?"
She said it was most likely because of his age. That he was comfortable without sex. That I had to learn to be happy without it or move on. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Porn Addict! When a person is addicted to porn they just get off on porn. Try and find out what he's getting off too?? Maybe he's getting off on Gay porn and to affraid to say? Wish you well |
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By *s_macWoman
over a year ago
Traffic land |
"If someone, be they male or female, is posting and asking for help and advice then that's what I'd try to give them.
Regardless of their sex.
Being judgemental isn't helpful.
I prefer a bit of empathy every time.
Very few people are perfect."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The question is why doesn't he want sex? I think you need to investigate that with some kind of councillor, maybe Relate, to find out if the underlying issues can be resolved or if you need to call it a day. Good luck.
We've been to the doctors and a councillor
And did you get to the bottom of it? Did they recommend anything?
She said it was most likely because of his age. That he was comfortable without sex. That I had to learn to be happy without it or move on. "
You are 36. How old is your husband? |
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By *izzy.Woman
over a year ago
Stoke area |
What a horrible and difficult position to be in. I see you have been to some marriage guidance / relate together.
Sadly they didn't come up with anything useful.
First thing I would suggest is that you make a firm decision that you want ask him for sex for several months.
Take the pressure off him. If you want to stay together and still love him, then this is worth doing.
Then sit and talk properly about what is going on. Let him talk and just listen and then you talk about how you feel.
Get back to having dates and enjoying each other's company, but avoid any sexual touching or anything.
Agree that you can cuddle on the sofa and gradually aim to build up to gentle massage, kisses, but with no expectation of sex afterwards.
Taking the pressure off him, may be what he needs. Along with this, ask him to reduce the laptop porn. If it's most days, then maybe once a week.
Wanking is less effort and no emotional connection. It gives release without the physical contact with you .
Go back to Relate. They have sexual counsellors who may be able to offer advise. If he won't go, you can go alone to talk things through.
Good luck. It will be a long journey to change the situation. No quick fix ...only you can decide if it's worth it . |
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By *omvampmMan
over a year ago
gillingham |
"If someone, be they male or female, is posting and asking for help and advice then that's what I'd try to give them.
Regardless of their sex.
Being judgemental isn't helpful.
I prefer a bit of empathy every time.
Very few people are perfect.
"
totally agree to much judging on fab for my liking at times it's not what lifestyle is about x |
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My marraige was a bit like yours. In the end I just didn't fancy him, I think he felt the same about me.
Nothing he did in the end interested me. It was so hard to part but, was for the best. I have great sex now.
It effected my confidence and enjoyment in life those last few years. Ms |
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"If someone, be they male or female, is posting and asking for help and advice then that's what I'd try to give them.
Regardless of their sex.
Being judgemental isn't helpful.
I prefer a bit of empathy every time.
Very few people are perfect.
totally agree to much judging on fab for my liking at times it's not what lifestyle is about x"
The lifestyle is about consensual non monogamy. Which part of cheating fits with that? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I had, and still have, a great deal of love for my husband, but I wasted 25 years of my life trying to please him and make him love me back, and want me, sexually.
You can't force someone to want sex with you. |
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"He may be wanking but you are on here? Does he know?
This
You may be pissed off and confused by his wanking and not wanting sex but imagine how he’d feel knowing you’re on a swinging site without his knowledge!"
Never know, he could have been wanking over your profile pics, thinking it’s someone else.  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What a horrible and difficult position to be in. I see you have been to some marriage guidance / relate together.
Sadly they didn't come up with anything useful.
First thing I would suggest is that you make a firm decision that you want ask him for sex for several months.
Take the pressure off him. If you want to stay together and still love him, then this is worth doing.
Then sit and talk properly about what is going on. Let him talk and just listen and then you talk about how you feel.
Get back to having dates and enjoying each other's company, but avoid any sexual touching or anything.
Agree that you can cuddle on the sofa and gradually aim to build up to gentle massage, kisses, but with no expectation of sex afterwards.
Taking the pressure off him, may be what he needs. Along with this, ask him to reduce the laptop porn. If it's most days, then maybe once a week.
Wanking is less effort and no emotional connection. It gives release without the physical contact with you .
Go back to Relate. They have sexual counsellors who may be able to offer advise. If he won't go, you can go alone to talk things through.
Good luck. It will be a long journey to change the situation. No quick fix ...only you can decide if it's worth it . "
Thanks so much for the advice |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"What I find a bit weird is that you said you went up to find him wanking in your bedroom. He must of known there was a chance of you walking in? What's that all about? "
I think that's why I was annoyed. |
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"The question is why doesn't he want sex? I think you need to investigate that with some kind of councillor, maybe Relate, to find out if the underlying issues can be resolved or if you need to call it a day. Good luck.
We've been to the doctors and a councillor
And did you get to the bottom of it? Did they recommend anything?
She said it was most likely because of his age. That he was comfortable without sex. That I had to learn to be happy without it or move on. "
And did he agree? If so I can't see how the relationship can survive, I for one would not want an asexual relationship, even if I had permission to go elsewhere for my needs. Been there, done that (though I didn't go elsewhere), and wish I'd given up on the marriage much, much sooner. |
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Assuming it was porn he was watching while wanking then I would say he does have an interest in sex.
Have you tried:
(a) asking him what he thinks about you finding a different sexual partner (or partners) with him having no interest?
(b) if positive, asking if he would like to watch you with a different partner instead of porn? Who knows where this might take you.
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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago
Northampton Somewhere |
"What I find a bit weird is that you said you went up to find him wanking in your bedroom. He must of known there was a chance of you walking in? What's that all about?
I think that's why I was annoyed. "
Maybe that's a control thing for him? And the not cleaning up after himself! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Thanks for all the advice so far. I have spoken to him several times now. He just keeps replying with the same thing. He has no interest in sex. I've tried weekends away. Dressing up. Asking him what he would like. Nothing seems to work
I totally get this! Had the same situation myself. He just didn’t want sex. My other half at the time was on medication though (for anxiety) which effected his need for intimacy. Is that a possibility (medication) ?
I spoke to him lots too! Tried seduction, nights drinking, hotels etc... nothing! Most frustrating 6 years if my entire life "
Was it an ssri or atypical antipsychotic, id so yes they csn completley kill your sex drive.
Its not so much that you dont want sex its more just sex doesnt occur to you any more.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The question is why doesn't he want sex? I think you need to investigate that with some kind of councillor, maybe Relate, to find out if the underlying issues can be resolved or if you need to call it a day. Good luck.
We've been to the doctors and a councillor
And did you get to the bottom of it? Did they recommend anything?
She said it was most likely because of his age. That he was comfortable without sex. That I had to learn to be happy without it or move on. "
Is its "down to his age" a blood test for testosterone level and testosterone replacement therapy will solve the issue.
He'll effectivly be a teenager again bur equally he'll have the drive and courage high testosterone gives a man and he may just fuck off |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Tell him to give up wanking and watching porn for a week. He might be addicted to the unrealistic standards it sets. You could ask him if there are any kinks or fetishes he’s secretly into. He might have grown bored of the routine. Sorry if that’s all a bit blunt. Anyway, good luck x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The question is why doesn't he want sex? I think you need to investigate that with some kind of councillor, maybe Relate, to find out if the underlying issues can be resolved or if you need to call it a day. Good luck.
We've been to the doctors and a councillor
And did you get to the bottom of it? Did they recommend anything?
She said it was most likely because of his age. That he was comfortable without sex. That I had to learn to be happy without it or move on.
Is its "down to his age" a blood test for testosterone level and testosterone replacement therapy will solve the issue.
He'll effectivly be a teenager again bur equally he'll have the drive and courage high testosterone gives a man and he may just fuck off"
Thanks |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Wanking is purely perfunctory. There are no emotions, no other person to think about, no pressure.
Sex however is the opposite if you're doing it right. "
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By *rkeb3Man
over a year ago
east Lancashire road |
"He may be wanking but you are on here? Does he know?
This
You may be pissed off and confused by his wanking and not wanting sex but imagine how he’d feel knowing you’re on a swinging site without his knowledge!"
 he's the reason she's on here if he can't give her the sex she needs where else could she get it just saying |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"He didn't want sex long before I came on here. "
Sounds like you've tried everything and it's not going to change.
Do you see yourself still together in 10 years, not having sex and cleaning his spunk up from all over the house?
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"He didn't want sex long before I came on here.
Sounds like you've tried everything and it's not going to change.
Do you see yourself still together in 10 years, not having sex and cleaning his spunk up from all over the house?
"
Not sure |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"The question is why doesn't he want sex? I think you need to investigate that with some kind of councillor, maybe Relate, to find out if the underlying issues can be resolved or if you need to call it a day. Good luck.
We've been to the doctors and a councillor
And did you get to the bottom of it? Did they recommend anything?
She said it was most likely because of his age. That he was comfortable without sex. That I had to learn to be happy without it or move on.
Is its "down to his age" a blood test for testosterone level and testosterone replacement therapy will solve the issue.
He'll effectivly be a teenager again bur equally he'll have the drive and courage high testosterone gives a man and he may just fuck off
Thanks "
Not kidding hormones have a huge effect on pwrsonality |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"The question is why doesn't he want sex? I think you need to investigate that with some kind of councillor, maybe Relate, to find out if the underlying issues can be resolved or if you need to call it a day. Good luck.
We've been to the doctors and a councillor
And did you get to the bottom of it? Did they recommend anything?
She said it was most likely because of his age. That he was comfortable without sex. That I had to learn to be happy without it or move on.
Is its "down to his age" a blood test for testosterone level and testosterone replacement therapy will solve the issue.
He'll effectivly be a teenager again bur equally he'll have the drive and courage high testosterone gives a man and he may just fuck off
Thanks
Not kidding hormones have a huge effect on pwrsonality "
I'd try anything at this stage. |
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"You are avoiding the other issue in this scenario..you being on here meeting Men?!
He is Only wanking!
Thanks for your input. It's very helpful "
I do hope you sort it..Everyone deserves to be happy |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"You are avoiding the other issue in this scenario..you being on here meeting Men?!
He is Only wanking!
Thanks for your input. It's very helpful
I do hope you sort it..Everyone deserves to be happy "
Fingers crossed |
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"OK if you want to discuss cheating and swinging start another thread please...this thread is asking for advice"
this 100% I find it so annoying when these threads are started and people attack, op is asking for advise not to be judged.
Op if you've tried all avenues I think you know deep down what has to happen. Maybe once you tell him how you feel and that you will end the relationship he might get the big picture and straighten up his act.
You simply cannot live in a sexless relationship, it's not fair on you and its not healthy for your relationship. Yes you are on here but if you carry on ignoring it it's just going to get worse.
Does he show you any signs of affection anymore? Compliment you? Want to do things for you? If these things are missing you just need to be straight, he might even be depressed.
Maybe once you give him a bit of a reality check he will open up more to you. Good luck |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"OK if you want to discuss cheating and swinging start another thread please...this thread is asking for advice
this 100% I find it so annoying when these threads are started and people attack, op is asking for advise not to be judged.
Op if you've tried all avenues I think you know deep down what has to happen. Maybe once you tell him how you feel and that you will end the relationship he might get the big picture and straighten up his act.
You simply cannot live in a sexless relationship, it's not fair on you and its not healthy for your relationship. Yes you are on here but if you carry on ignoring it it's just going to get worse.
Does he show you any signs of affection anymore? Compliment you? Want to do things for you? If these things are missing you just need to be straight, he might even be depressed.
Maybe once you give him a bit of a reality check he will open up more to you. Good luck"
Other than lack of sex we get on quite well. We go on dates. He would hold my hand when out and about. He would often kiss me. Just a peck. |
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" Other than lack of sex we get on quite well. We go on dates. He would hold my hand when out and about. He would often kiss me. Just a peck. "
It sounds like there could be more for you, the way you say just a peck. I know myself there's only so long I could put up with it.
It's not good to feel like this, or like I said healthy for either of you and the relationship. You deserve to be happy and have someone who wants to have sex with you and make you feel wanted.
Are you sure he isn't looking else where? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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" Other than lack of sex we get on quite well. We go on dates. He would hold my hand when out and about. He would often kiss me. Just a peck.
It sounds like there could be more for you, the way you say just a peck. I know myself there's only so long I could put up with it.
It's not good to feel like this, or like I said healthy for either of you and the relationship. You deserve to be happy and have someone who wants to have sex with you and make you feel wanted.
Are you sure he isn't looking else where? "
I got a pm last night that had made me wonder that. I've asked him before if he is interested in someone else and always the same answer. No |
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