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jokes, but clean ones
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Walked past the fridge earlier and thought I heard a onion singing a BeeGees song....
When I opened the door it was just a chive talkin. I asked the chive if it wanted to be a onion?... But it said,
I'm stayin, a chive ah, ah, ah, ah,
stayin a chive.....
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By *mumaWoman
over a year ago
Livingston |
"Walked past the fridge earlier and thought I heard a onion singing a BeeGees song....
When I opened the door it was just a chive talkin. I asked the chive if it wanted to be a onion?... But it said,
I'm stayin, a chive ah, ah, ah, ah,
stayin a chive.....
"
seriously lmfco...
what's red and invisible?
.
.
NO tomatoes |
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By *evilwolfCouple
over a year ago
Leicestershire |
I saw my neighbour the other day, and he had bruises all over his forehead. I asked him how he'd got these bruises, and he said that when he'd gone into his wardrobe, a giant cockroach had headbutted him.
I told him I'd heard there was a nasty bug going round...
Wolf |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man is walking down the road carrying his sick dog to the vet, when he finds a curious looking bottle in the gutter. He picks it up and shakes it, and a genie appears. "Oh Master!" says the genie, "you have set me free after years of captivity - I will grant you one wish" (there is a recession on, after all).
The man thinks, and then says "my dog is old, blind in one eye, deaf, has arthritis, and a heart defect. Can you save him?"
The genie bends down and looks at the dog, examining it all over, tutting and sighing. He stands up and says "your dog is very ill, and there is absolutely nothing I can do for him - is there another wish you have?
The man thinks for a while, then says "I have a single guy profile on FAB - can you arrange for me to get a meet?"
There is a long, uncomfortable pause, before the genie looks the man in the eye and says "let's have another look at your dog" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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So I saw this Scotsman and I asked him if he had spots when he was younger. He replied “Achh-neeee”.
One arm butlers – they can take it but they can’t dish it out…
Beware of Alphabet Grenades… if you throw them, it could spell disaster!
My mate said to me: “Can you tell me what you call someone who comes from Corsica?” I said: “Cors-i-can”!
When it comes to cosmetic surgery… a lot of people turn their noses up.
I used go out with an anesthetist – she was a local girl…
I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrotts with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death!
I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said “Television for Sale – £1- Volume Stuck On Full”. I thought: “I can’t turn that down”.
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”
What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.
Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that!
(Holding up a notice which says “Future Events”) Tim Vine: “Well, there’s a sign of things to come!”
My mate bet with me that I’d never eat at a barbecque with Matthew Corbett – I said, that’s a Sweep-Stake!
I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing – serves him right.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What's white and swings through the trees?
Tarzan the Fridge.
What's white & blue and swings through the trees?
Tarzan the Fridge wearing a denim jacket of course. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man phones an Airfix model shop and asks " do you have a model of an Italian cruise liner?"
The shop owner replies "yes, we have just one left"
The man says "can you put it on one side for me?'
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Mr whippy was found dead today,with a flake up his bum,chocolate sprinkles on his willy,and strawberry sauce on his testicles... Police think he may have Topped himself  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I just got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders ......all I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience and asked God "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
(You'll love this)
God replied: "S*it! I didn't recognize you!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan.. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday.. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, mate, I never actually met Brian. He died. I married his f**kin' widow."
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