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any good jokes
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"Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving School. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited, and arrange to meet for lunch. Jan arrives first wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane, where Susanna, the daughter,attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal. Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy. Mary explains that she after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend,Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis. Halfway down the third bottle of wine and severalhours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco's. They live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive. Sue,encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are realy both nursingcare assistants in an old people' s home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent. Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg. " like it | |||
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"The fuckin dog ran off lastnite, I walked round the park calling his name for 20 mins & still couldn't find him, my girlfriend said I shud look harder, so I shaved my head & got a tattoo. I still can't find the fucking dog." fantastic | |||
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"A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him: : "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." "I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus," says the barman. "The circus?" Repeats the duck. "That's right," replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big tent?" "Yeah," the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck. "Of course," the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . - - - - - - - - "What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!" " Pmsl xx | |||
"What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot? One's a bouncing Australian marsupial and the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift." Nicked off Real XS | |||
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"A woman with three vaginas has recently undergone surgery to sew two of them closed. Apparently she was sick of people fucking her left, right and centre." Lol  | |||
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"The fuckin dog ran off lastnite, I walked round the park calling his name for 20 mins & still couldn't find him, my girlfriend said I shud look harder, so I shaved my head & got a tattoo. I still can't find the fucking dog." excellant! | |||
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"german bloke goes to see a prostitute and asks her for sex. after agreeing a price she gets on her knees and he starts banging her from behind. suddenly he stops and gets some coils from a bag, asking her to tie them to her knees and hands. she does this with a strange look, gets back in the doggy position and carries on. he then asks her to quack as it gets him off. seeing as he is paying she is happy to do it, and they proceed to hve awesome sex...... afterwards, when they are laying together she says to him, 'that was fantastic. how do you know such great sex?' 'it is normal in germany' he says. ' its the four sprung duck technique'."  | |||
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"People who use predictive text are aunts. " ha ha ha this one is good | |||
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"I was a bit worried about visiting my future mother in law for the first time today. But things all of a sudden began to look a light brighter as we pulled into the local cemetery. "I miss those Les Dawson jokes, anyone dare put up some Bernard Manning jokes ? | |||
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"I was a bit worried about visiting my future mother in law for the first time today. But things all of a sudden began to look a light brighter as we pulled into the local cemetery. I miss those Les Dawson jokes, anyone dare put up some Bernard Manning jokes ?"No, but how about a Roy Chubby Brown? I do everything to make my wife happy, I do the Dishes, I hoover up, I even cover my self in tuna so we smell the fucking same...... | |||
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