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Feeling like an inconvenience to your parents
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By *litterbabe OP Woman
over a year ago
hiding from cock pics. |
I lost my mum quite a few years ago my dad and brother live 4 hours drive from me.
I feel like they never have time to see me or want to see me, whenever I suggest coming up they have no room for me to stay and feel like they have far too much going on for me to be able to visit.
Although we are in touch regularly on the phone I can't help my feelings being hurt by the fact but they don't seem to want to see me, or my children, even though I know they are not doing anything more than working and living their normal lives.
It has been like this for years even when my mother was alive. Does anybody else deal with a situation like this, and find comfort somehow?
I've never done anything to push them away or got into more trouble then an average child growing up.
In my adult life I've never asked them for anything and always been there when I could for them.
It's not something I feel I could bring up in conversation with them, and I don't really think they would understand how I feel or way I feel like it.
It's not like they suddenly haven't got time for me, it's pretty much always been this way. The only thing I can feel contributes is when I moved away it is almost like I was gone from their heads.
I try not to let it hurt me, but it does. I have just offered to bring my children up there to see them for today and tomorrow, but they have said it's not convenient.
I have plenty of family and friends around me here, it just feels cold to not be valued by my father and brother. |
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By *litterbabe OP Woman
over a year ago
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"Have you invited them to stay with you?
Next timev they say it's not convenient, ask them when would be convenient for them. "
My dad and brother are always welcome to stay with me and they know that. It's an open invitation, we bought a sofa bed just so they can stay and there's room for them both. (one on a sofa, one on a sofa bed).
Once or twice a year my dad will come down,for two night, but he will usually choose to stay in a hotel.
. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My parents are both alive and yes I do.
I just accept that that's the way they are. I was told I wasn't going to theirs for Christmas.
Don't get me wrong it still bloody hurts. But accepting they are too old to change and that's the way they are has helped me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I've always felt like a burden to my mum.
In what way and how do you deal with it?"
I'm depressed and alone and never really managed to make it on my own and do anything with my life, like my sister has, my sister has latched onto other people at least and her social skills have led her to be more independent in a weird way. I never have done and am very broken. So my mum has had to put up with me living with her.
Its hard to deal with to be honest, it's a very taboo subject. You know they want to help but they cant help and you hate yourself for being a failure and limiting your parent's life.
I hope you figure out how to deal with your situation. |
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Definitely. I tried for years to be better, twisting myself, hiding who I was, trying to get them to love me. How broken must you be when not even your parents love you?
But I've worked out that that's backwards. I didn't bring them into the world, I wasn't a bad kid, I'm not a terrible adult. They can't accept their own child, and that's awfully sad for them. I've grieved, I've let go of my guilt, I've let go of hope of a loving relationship. We see each other infrequently, I grit my teeth and get on with it, and I keep them at arm's length. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You have my sympathy!
Obviously I can't comment from personal knowledge but not everyone is equally sociable. Men in particular can exhibit high levels of usocialism. Perhaps your father and brother love you but don't get the same dopamine (or whatever the chemistry is) hit from being in your company as you do from theirs.
If they are anything liked me they will find the company of young children very hard work, be they relatives or not.
In essence I can't offer a solution to your problem, only an alternative perspective. Our experience of the same stimuli can be wildly different and sometimes one just has to accept that behaviour one finds disappointing is a consequence of very different minds grappling with the complexities of life and producing different outcomes.
Mike xx
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I've got brothers in far flung across the world. My mum always makes excuses for them not to visit but if they insist on coming she always enjoys it. I have spent many hours wondering why she's like it and I've come to the conclusion that the only way she can deal with them being away is by not seeing them at all because she finds it too painful. Also she worries about putting them up, feeding them etc.
I don't know if this is the case with your family but why not just contact them and say you're going, when they put obstacles in the way firmly tell them you're going anyway. Reassure them that you will look after yourself and your children and that you can feed yourself etc. That's what I do with my mum now if any family wants to visit her. |
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By *litterbabe OP Woman
over a year ago
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Thank you to the people who have shared private messages as well that is very helpful. I will see my dad and brother in February as we have a family party at we will all be attending.
The pain isn't so much that I miss them I want to see them, the pain is more because I know they don't really want to see me and my kids, and they only do it by obligation when they have too such as a family party eccetera.
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By *litterbabe OP Woman
over a year ago
hiding from cock pics. |
"I've always felt like a burden to my mum.
In what way and how do you deal with it?
I'm depressed and alone and never really managed to make it on my own and do anything with my life, like my sister has, my sister has latched onto other people at least and her social skills have led her to be more independent in a weird way. I never have done and am very broken. So my mum has had to put up with me living with her.
Its hard to deal with to be honest, it's a very taboo subject. You know they want to help but they cant help and you hate yourself for being a failure and limiting your parent's life.
I hope you figure out how to deal with your situation. "
I'm very sorry for your situation, that sounds very hard. Maybe you are not the burden you feel you are there, maybe she would miss you if you weren't there and you are good company and a help. |
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By *litterbabe OP Woman
over a year ago
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"I've got brothers in far flung across the world. My mum always makes excuses for them not to visit but if they insist on coming she always enjoys it. I have spent many hours wondering why she's like it and I've come to the conclusion that the only way she can deal with them being away is by not seeing them at all because she finds it too painful. Also she worries about putting them up, feeding them etc.
I don't know if this is the case with your family but why not just contact them and say you're going, when they put obstacles in the way firmly tell them you're going anyway. Reassure them that you will look after yourself and your children and that you can feed yourself etc. That's what I do with my mum now if any family wants to visit her. "
Thank you I can do that, the bit that disturbs me is not the organisation of that, it's the fact that I know they don't really want to see me, and I'm an inconvenience. That's what stings, not really the organisation of seeing them, |
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By *litterbabe OP Woman
over a year ago
hiding from cock pics. |
"You have my sympathy!
Obviously I can't comment from personal knowledge but not everyone is equally sociable. Men in particular can exhibit high levels of usocialism. Perhaps your father and brother love you but don't get the same dopamine (or whatever the chemistry is) hit from being in your company as you do from theirs.
If they are anything liked me they will find the company of young children very hard work, be they relatives or not.
In essence I can't offer a solution to your problem, only an alternative perspective. Our experience of the same stimuli can be wildly different and sometimes one just has to accept that behaviour one finds disappointing is a consequence of very different minds grappling with the complexities of life and producing different outcomes.
Mike xx
"
I think alternative perspectives is what I'm looking for here. There is no answer, the problem is not organising to see them it's the fact they don't really want to put any time or effort in and can't be bothered seeing me or my kids. |
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By *litterbabe OP Woman
over a year ago
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"Definitely. I tried for years to be better, twisting myself, hiding who I was, trying to get them to love me. How broken must you be when not even your parents love you?
But I've worked out that that's backwards. I didn't bring them into the world, I wasn't a bad kid, I'm not a terrible adult. They can't accept their own child, and that's awfully sad for them. I've grieved, I've let go of my guilt, I've let go of hope of a loving relationship. We see each other infrequently, I grit my teeth and get on with it, and I keep them at arm's length. "
Thank you, that is really helpful |
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By *agmanMan
over a year ago
Cockermouth |
You can choose your friends but not your family! I come from a large family - 8 kids.
From those 8 there are 2 that i never see and frankly, am not bothered if i do ever again.
I know that sounds harsh - but that decision has been taken by me, because they have made life for my wife very difficult over the years. The rest of my family accepted her instantly and have no ill feelling towards her whatsoever. I have no idea why these 2 are like that or what causes it - but for the sake of my wifes' feelings, i decided that i don't really need their negativity in my life, so have 'disconnected' with them and feel far better for it too.
It wasn't difficult to do - in fact was quite easy in the end.
At these family gatherings you talk of.......are they civil to you, and spend time with you and yours? Or are they as equally as stand-offish?
I can slightly understand why they may not want to sleep on sofas or put-u-up beds - maybe they see this as causing you extra work or unnecessary hassles? And from my own experience this is not an easy thing to overcome. No amount of re-assurances will put them at ease and make them change their minds - it's easier for all concerned (in their minds) if they take the easy option and they just don't visit.
A few years ago a couple who were friends and part of a group we went away for holidays and weekends away with turned nasty and spiteful - I was going through some 'crap' in my own life and again decided that their negativity was not good for me - so as a couple (much to my wifes horror lol - she was all for keeping the peace) after discussions, we dropped them from our circle of friends - and after explaining ourreasons to the others in the group - it turned out they were only just tolerating them - so they were happy to do the same.
Sometimes you have to think about what's best for you and act accordingly.
If you repeatedly ask them to allow a visit, or ask them to visit - but always get the negative - then you need to think what is best for you. Letting it eat away at you for ever is not a good thing.
Hope it gets resolved for you one way or another. x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My grandad is like this. He just doesn't like younger kids. He loves his grandchildren and great grandchildren however with young kids and younger teenagers come noise!
I can understand what's not to like. He just wants to live stress free within his own home. Surely you can appreciate that?
You have to also remember, not everyone is a maternal person. |
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By *ea monkeyMan
over a year ago
Manchester (he/him) |
"Definitely. I tried for years to be better, twisting myself, hiding who I was, trying to get them to love me. How broken must you be when not even your parents love you?
But I've worked out that that's backwards. I didn't bring them into the world, I wasn't a bad kid, I'm not a terrible adult. They can't accept their own child, and that's awfully sad for them. I've grieved, I've let go of my guilt, I've let go of hope of a loving relationship. We see each other infrequently, I grit my teeth and get on with it, and I keep them at arm's length. "
This.
A loving relationship is a two way street and requires both parties to put the effort in and to make things work. I was in a similar situation and in the end I just walked away, I don't agree with keeping people in my life who simply don't care. |
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