FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > It is still an insult
It is still an insult
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?"
I think that's a bloody brilliant idea.
In truth people can only upset you if you let them (and of course I am guilty of this sometimes) ... But moving forward I am going to try to use this theory
Best post of the day!!  |
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?"
It's why a lot of people use self depricating humour to take the power of words away from bullies but then they don't like you doing that so tell you to stop. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
. |
Ooo! What a great question Op. I think I err on the side of it still being an insult but it not having the desired effect. I think the semantics of language are formed by those who deliver it not receive it to some extent.
Actually, maybe it's down to the recipient because how you view the words will sway your reading of them.
TL;DR: I don't know. It's easy to say you can view things just as words but they are a powerful thing. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?
I think that's a bloody brilliant idea.
In truth people can only upset you if you let them (and of course I am guilty of this sometimes) ... But moving forward I am going to try to use this theory
Best post of the day!! "
I'm guilty of it too. We're human. 
But if you process their 'insult' as something else, it means nothing.
"You're fat" but hear it as "you're cloudy". It means nothing. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Ooo! What a great question Op. I think I err on the side of it still being an insult but it not having the desired effect. I think the semantics of language are formed by those who deliver it not receive it to some extent.
Actually, maybe it's down to the recipient because how you view the words will sway your reading of them.
TL;DR: I don't know. It's easy to say you can view things just as words but they are a powerful thing."
I do agree it's an easy suggestion but harder in reality.
I also agree about the recipient. "You're a slut" is a compliment to one person and an insult to another. |
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By *VineMan
over a year ago
The right place |
I think that it’s all about intent. If the person saying it intended it as an insult then it was an insult.
However if you choose not to be insulted it’s like they’ve fired a shot but missed the target.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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If the intent is there by the giver then technically it's still an insult.
Is it still an insult when the recipient feels insulted but there's no intent by the giver? |
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By *abs..Woman
over a year ago
.. |
I think some people feel better for throwing what they perceive to be an insult, at someone. Whether it hits the mark is immaterial because it’s about them having their say, not about you listening to it I think. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?
I think that's a bloody brilliant idea.
In truth people can only upset you if you let them (and of course I am guilty of this sometimes) ... But moving forward I am going to try to use this theory
Best post of the day!!
I'm guilty of it too. We're human.
But if you process their 'insult' as something else, it means nothing.
"You're fat" but hear it as "you're cloudy". It means nothing. "
It's a brilliant idea  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I read a good analogy yesterday...if you had £86400 ponds and someone took £20, you'd probably feel aggrieved but ultimately let it go because it's not worth féling stressed over. We have 86400 seconds in a day to get through. If someone insults you that's about 20 seconds they've taken....let it go |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I read a good analogy yesterday...if you had £86400 ponds and someone took £20, you'd probably feel aggrieved but ultimately let it go because it's not worth féling stressed over. We have 86400 seconds in a day to get through. If someone insults you that's about 20 seconds they've taken....let it go "
That's also a great idea |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?"
Yes, it would still be an insult as intended, whether you found it insulting or not is for you to decide. It seems a good strategy for coping, but ultimately - if we extrapolate to a situation where there was continual insulting over time and on multiple occasions - should the onus only be on the recipient to cope? Obviously I’m indicating more psychological abuse scenarios here. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yes, but one that doesn't have the desired effect.
If someone said they thought I was beautiful, it's a compliment, whether I accept it or not.
The same goes for insults or offensive language.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?
Yes, it would still be an insult as intended, whether you found it insulting or not is for you to decide. It seems a good strategy for coping, but ultimately - if we extrapolate to a situation where there was continual insulting over time and on multiple occasions - should the onus only be on the recipient to cope? Obviously I’m indicating more psychological abuse scenarios here."
Something that used to wind my ex husband up was me not reacting to his insults.
I wasn't pretending they didn't bother me and he couldn't bear that he couldn't hurt me with words.
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?"
Yeah, their efforts have been wasted on me. If what they say isn't true I don't care. If it is true I just think "yeah, they have a point" and usually laugh.
My dad's the same, it infuriates my mum who is still stinging from something her mother in law said to her 57 years ago.  |
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?"
It's an insult if they've intended to insult. You don't have to be insulted - that's down to you, water off a ducks back if you don't give a damn what they think |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I try and see it as if someone tries to insult me then they are just the lowest form of life and are capable of no more so I feel better about myself. Yes they are just words from someone not worth the time of day. |
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?"
I think it's an insult if you decide to take it as such. No matter the strength and intention of the words, they'll only hurt you if you let them.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Too many people have forgoten the sticks and stones song nowadays
Because it's totally wrong in its analysis of the psychological and emotional damage caused by words. "
. It’s actually probably more the other way round |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?
I think that's a bloody brilliant idea.
In truth people can only upset you if you let them (and of course I am guilty of this sometimes) ... But moving forward I am going to try to use this theory
Best post of the day!!
I'm guilty of it too. We're human.
But if you process their 'insult' as something else, it means nothing.
"You're fat" but hear it as "you're cloudy". It means nothing. "
What if they say . You're cloudy ? |
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I see it this way ......
If they INTENDED to insult me and it hurts me they INTENDED to hurt me.
If they INTENDED to insult me and it doesn't hurt me they INTENDED to hurt me.
If it HURTS me - I'll retaliate.
If it DOESN'T hurt me - I'll retaliate.
People need to know you are not a doormat.....
Time , place and relationship dependent of course.
I'm not going to argue with some nutter that i've never met before either online or face to face. |
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Dunno.
I kinda think that if it's a fact as such, it's not an insult, more of an observation, which tells me the "insulter" lacks the intelligence to come up with anything that's worth taking any notice of.
I take the piss out of myself all the time, I know who and what I am for the most part.
I'm more offended by those who attempt to insult my intelligence than my physical form. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?"
I get messages like "you're an old f**kin Tranny" ... depends on the context lol but the 'old' I can do without! |
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This is a fascinating topic, but I ( mr ), cannot for the life of me, understand why somebody would insult somebody else on here. Is it after rejection? Must be I guess. We turn people down ( same in reverse), surely a simple “ sorry there is not a 4 way attraction “ is all that’s needed. Of course that is couple to couple, but the same understanding should apply across the board . |
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By *HaRiFMan
over a year ago
Beyond the shadows. |
"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?"
In my opinion, its still inappropriate behaviour and should not be tolerated. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If murder is attempted murder if you don't kill the person, insult should be attemped insult if it doesn't achieve insult status.  "
Ahh but wouldn’t the question then be, is it attempted murder or attempted manslaughter? Again, the intent gives the terminology. But yes, if the wound (insult or murder) fails to land, you have a point - still, the intent defines what its aim was, and that its problematic accountability rests with the giver ultimately. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I read a good analogy yesterday...if you had £86400 ponds and someone took £20, you'd probably feel aggrieved but ultimately let it go because it's not worth féling stressed over. We have 86400 seconds in a day to get through. If someone insults you that's about 20 seconds they've taken....let it go "
I like that! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?
Yes, it would still be an insult as intended, whether you found it insulting or not is for you to decide. It seems a good strategy for coping, but ultimately - if we extrapolate to a situation where there was continual insulting over time and on multiple occasions - should the onus only be on the recipient to cope? Obviously I’m indicating more psychological abuse scenarios here."
No I agree that's different. In that case it's just a coping mechanism but hopefully an escape route is accessible. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?
I think that's a bloody brilliant idea.
In truth people can only upset you if you let them (and of course I am guilty of this sometimes) ... But moving forward I am going to try to use this theory
Best post of the day!!
I'm guilty of it too. We're human.
But if you process their 'insult' as something else, it means nothing.
"You're fat" but hear it as "you're cloudy". It means nothing. What if they say . You're cloudy ? "
I'd assume they meant I'm fuzzy and pointless. I'd say yeah fair enough. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?
Yes, it would still be an insult as intended, whether you found it insulting or not is for you to decide. It seems a good strategy for coping, but ultimately - if we extrapolate to a situation where there was continual insulting over time and on multiple occasions - should the onus only be on the recipient to cope? Obviously I’m indicating more psychological abuse scenarios here.
No I agree that's different. In that case it's just a coping mechanism but hopefully an escape route is accessible. "
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I see it this way ......
If they INTENDED to insult me and it hurts me they INTENDED to hurt me.
If they INTENDED to insult me and it doesn't hurt me they INTENDED to hurt me.
If it HURTS me - I'll retaliate.
If it DOESN'T hurt me - I'll retaliate.
People need to know you are not a doormat.....
Time , place and relationship dependent of course.
I'm not going to argue with some nutter that i've never met before either online or face to face. "
I agree about the time and place.
Why do people need to know I'm not a doormat though? I can't see the point in fighting back at insults kind of thing. Why retaliate? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"This is a fascinating topic, but I ( mr ), cannot for the life of me, understand why somebody would insult somebody else on here. Is it after rejection? Must be I guess. We turn people down ( same in reverse), surely a simple “ sorry there is not a 4 way attraction “ is all that’s needed. Of course that is couple to couple, but the same understanding should apply across the board ."
On here I think they're just trying to make themselves feel better. They got hurt because they got turned down so they try and hurt in return. The worse the insult the greater the compliment because it means they really reaaaally wanted to fuck the person.
I was thinking of in general life too, not just on here. Friends.. family.. strangers.. colleagues.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's not the words, it's the intention and the delivery. The sweetest words can be an insult if applied in the right way.
That said, their effect depends on you. I can only be insulted by those I care about, that would hurt. Anyone else, I really couldn't give a monkeys.. |
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I think there are three aspects. The intention (which remains), the impact (in this case nullified or reduced), and the broader social impact. The last is more difficult to judge, of course. What do onlookers think when X calls me a name? Do they judge me, or X, or both? What does it do to (even temporary or momentary) social standing? |
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"If murder is attempted murder if you don't kill the person, insult should be attemped insult if it doesn't achieve insult status.
Ahh but wouldn’t the question then be, is it attempted murder or attempted manslaughter? Again, the intent gives the terminology. But yes, if the wound (insult or murder) fails to land, you have a point - still, the intent defines what its aim was, and that its problematic accountability rests with the giver ultimately. "
Interestingly, the biblical perspective is all about intent eg those who hate have already committed murder in their heart. Food for thought. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"If murder is attempted murder if you don't kill the person, insult should be attemped insult if it doesn't achieve insult status.
Ahh but wouldn’t the question then be, is it attempted murder or attempted manslaughter? Again, the intent gives the terminology. But yes, if the wound (insult or murder) fails to land, you have a point - still, the intent defines what its aim was, and that its problematic accountability rests with the giver ultimately.
Interestingly, the biblical perspective is all about intent eg those who hate have already committed murder in their heart. Food for thought."
Agreed |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think there are three aspects. The intention (which remains), the impact (in this case nullified or reduced), and the broader social impact. The last is more difficult to judge, of course. What do onlookers think when X calls me a name? Do they judge me, or X, or both? What does it do to (even temporary or momentary) social standing? "
Do you mean like onlookers would believe the insult to be true? |
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"I think there are three aspects. The intention (which remains), the impact (in this case nullified or reduced), and the broader social impact. The last is more difficult to judge, of course. What do onlookers think when X calls me a name? Do they judge me, or X, or both? What does it do to (even temporary or momentary) social standing?
Do you mean like onlookers would believe the insult to be true?"
Believe it to be true, or think more or less of you (or the insult giver). So, how does the delivery of the insult, or how you react to it, affect wider social status? (so "wow, that person is so classless for insulting people" or "I can't believe she let him say that" or whatever). |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I use reframing regularly to deal with feedback that is less than constructive and often help others to do the same. My self-deprecating humour tends to shield me from insults as I get my retaliation in first |
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I like the saying 'for you to insult me, first I must value your opinion, as I don't, you insult is meaningless.'
It's something I often think to myself when I'm getting abuse from the clients I work with. |
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"I like the saying 'for you to insult me, first I must value your opinion, as I don't, you insult is meaningless.'
It's something I often think to myself when I'm getting abuse from the clients I work with."
Yep I agree.
A woman was doing her best to insult me once at work. I smiled at her and replied "well! That told me"
The insult was immediately disarmed and became just words and she was left gaping like a fish for air.
Turn this on its head. If I make an innocent comment which you take as an insult, does it become one? |
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If someone (specially a man) comments about either my tall, slim frame and/or long legs I take it as a compliment. Even though you can sense they are trying it on as a put down. My long legs were remarked upon last week! |
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"If someone (specially a man) comments about either my tall, slim frame and/or long legs I take it as a compliment. Even though you can sense they are trying it on as a put down. My long legs were remarked upon last week!"
Yeah, the "friend" who commented that I sm "very brave" with the clothes I wear meant it as an insult. I was very pleased and took it as a compliment |
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?"
Fine line between banter and insults and only you know what the situation was and how it was said |
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"I see it this way ......
If they INTENDED to insult me and it hurts me they INTENDED to hurt me.
If they INTENDED to insult me and it doesn't hurt me they INTENDED to hurt me.
If it HURTS me - I'll retaliate.
If it DOESN'T hurt me - I'll retaliate.
People need to know you are not a doormat.....
Time , place and relationship dependent of course.
I'm not going to argue with some nutter that i've never met before either online or face to face.
I agree about the time and place.
Why do people need to know I'm not a doormat though? I can't see the point in fighting back at insults kind of thing. Why retaliate?"
Depending on the circumstances if you don't fight you get treated the same again.
The 'brush it off brigade' are prob thinking of simplistic situations. |
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"I think there are three aspects. The intention (which remains), the impact (in this case nullified or reduced), and the broader social impact. The last is more difficult to judge, of course. What do onlookers think when X calls me a name? Do they judge me, or X, or both? What does it do to (even temporary or momentary) social standing? "
Abso bloody lutely! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Been called a faggot
But to me it’s a savoury dish in gravy with peas and chips!!
Yummy "
I just wish the company that makes the frozen ones wasn't called "Brains". It doesn't sound pleasant. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s an insult on their part as they’ve intended to insult you. But, you weren’t insulted.
So, it’s an insult but it didn’t affect you the way they intended it to.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think there are three aspects. The intention (which remains), the impact (in this case nullified or reduced), and the broader social impact. The last is more difficult to judge, of course. What do onlookers think when X calls me a name? Do they judge me, or X, or both? What does it do to (even temporary or momentary) social standing?
Do you mean like onlookers would believe the insult to be true?
Believe it to be true, or think more or less of you (or the insult giver). So, how does the delivery of the insult, or how you react to it, affect wider social status? (so "wow, that person is so classless for insulting people" or "I can't believe she let him say that" or whatever). "
Ok that makes sense, thank you. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?
Fine line between banter and insults and only you know what the situation was and how it was said"
I love banter and backhanded compliments. Had some belters this week. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I see it this way ......
If they INTENDED to insult me and it hurts me they INTENDED to hurt me.
If they INTENDED to insult me and it doesn't hurt me they INTENDED to hurt me.
If it HURTS me - I'll retaliate.
If it DOESN'T hurt me - I'll retaliate.
People need to know you are not a doormat.....
Time , place and relationship dependent of course.
I'm not going to argue with some nutter that i've never met before either online or face to face.
I agree about the time and place.
Why do people need to know I'm not a doormat though? I can't see the point in fighting back at insults kind of thing. Why retaliate?
Depending on the circumstances if you don't fight you get treated the same again.
The 'brush it off brigade' are prob thinking of simplistic situations. "
I'm probably a doormat. Had the fight kicked out of me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There are words used to insult that I am not offended nor bothered by
I accept them as a descriptive as opposed to seeing them as insults
Therefore, whilst they have context, they don't have the crushing intent with which they are delivered |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I like the saying 'for you to insult me, first I must value your opinion, as I don't, you insult is meaningless.'
It's something I often think to myself when I'm getting abuse from the clients I work with.
Yep I agree.
A woman was doing her best to insult me once at work. I smiled at her and replied "well! That told me"
The insult was immediately disarmed and became just words and she was left gaping like a fish for air.
Turn this on its head. If I make an innocent comment which you take as an insult, does it become one?"
Ahhh and that’s the most interesting part, I think that communication is all about acceptance of there being a little gap in the middle from intent to receipt where both parties take that final leap to meet.
So, in answer to your question - if someone says something without intent to hurt but the receiver is hurt by it, then there’s responsibilities on both to accept the validity of the other’s experience: the receiver to hear and accept the intent was not to hurt when explained *and* the sayer’s to hear that it hurt regardless of their intent and be accountable/sorry that this happened.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I like the saying 'for you to insult me, first I must value your opinion, as I don't, you insult is meaningless.'
It's something I often think to myself when I'm getting abuse from the clients I work with.
Yep I agree.
A woman was doing her best to insult me once at work. I smiled at her and replied "well! That told me"
The insult was immediately disarmed and became just words and she was left gaping like a fish for air.
Turn this on its head. If I make an innocent comment which you take as an insult, does it become one?
Ahhh and that’s the most interesting part, I think that communication is all about acceptance of there being a little gap in the middle from intent to receipt where both parties take that final leap to meet.
So, in answer to your question - if someone says something without intent to hurt but the receiver is hurt by it, then there’s responsibilities on both to accept the validity of the other’s experience: the receiver to hear and accept the intent was not to hurt when explained *and* the sayer’s to hear that it hurt regardless of their intent and be accountable/sorry that this happened.
"
Yes. Indeed. |
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"I like the saying 'for you to insult me, first I must value your opinion, as I don't, you insult is meaningless.'
It's something I often think to myself when I'm getting abuse from the clients I work with.
Yep I agree.
A woman was doing her best to insult me once at work. I smiled at her and replied "well! That told me"
The insult was immediately disarmed and became just words and she was left gaping like a fish for air.
Turn this on its head. If I make an innocent comment which you take as an insult, does it become one?
Ahhh and that’s the most interesting part, I think that communication is all about acceptance of there being a little gap in the middle from intent to receipt where both parties take that final leap to meet.
So, in answer to your question - if someone says something without intent to hurt but the receiver is hurt by it, then there’s responsibilities on both to accept the validity of the other’s experience: the receiver to hear and accept the intent was not to hurt when explained *and* the sayer’s to hear that it hurt regardless of their intent and be accountable/sorry that this happened.
"
I have a colleague who sees insult in everything. I once told her she looked nice with eye make up on and she took it as an insult because I was obviously saying that she looked awful without it. I'm happy to accept my part in offence when its valid but I really can't be responsible for other people's insecurity and ability to see offence in every word uttered. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sorry, amending typo:
What’s important is the offer of apology without excuse however, “sorry you *feel* that was my intent” is not the same as being accountable and sorry for hurt received - this is where so many get it wrong. The failure to accept accountability is often delivered without thought and as defense and often hints at other intent.
It’s also important to know what you will or won’t acquiesce to. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I like the saying 'for you to insult me, first I must value your opinion, as I don't, you insult is meaningless.'
It's something I often think to myself when I'm getting abuse from the clients I work with.
Yep I agree.
A woman was doing her best to insult me once at work. I smiled at her and replied "well! That told me"
The insult was immediately disarmed and became just words and she was left gaping like a fish for air.
Turn this on its head. If I make an innocent comment which you take as an insult, does it become one?
Ahhh and that’s the most interesting part, I think that communication is all about acceptance of there being a little gap in the middle from intent to receipt where both parties take that final leap to meet.
So, in answer to your question - if someone says something without intent to hurt but the receiver is hurt by it, then there’s responsibilities on both to accept the validity of the other’s experience: the receiver to hear and accept the intent was not to hurt when explained *and* the sayer’s to hear that it hurt regardless of their intent and be accountable/sorry that this happened.
I have a colleague who sees insult in everything. I once told her she looked nice with eye make up on and she took it as an insult because I was obviously saying that she looked awful without it. I'm happy to accept my part in offence when its valid but I really can't be responsible for other people's insecurity and ability to see offence in every word uttered. "
And that’s absolutely fine. No one has to want to make the leap into the gap (and obviously in a patterned behaviour like that and if communicated about there’s a point when you say no thanks to someone else’s damage or toxicity) - I’m purely talking about the fact there’s always a leap of faith in talking with people and we all choose to do it, and that there’s direction both ways, if that makes sense.
It’s not a prescription that you have to. There are some that I simply don’t want to bother with, and vice versa.
With trauma informed care it’s important to just be conscious that damage can result in patterns, but we don’t have to tolerate anyone - ever. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I like the saying 'for you to insult me, first I must value your opinion, as I don't, you insult is meaningless.'
It's something I often think to myself when I'm getting abuse from the clients I work with.
Yep I agree.
A woman was doing her best to insult me once at work. I smiled at her and replied "well! That told me"
The insult was immediately disarmed and became just words and she was left gaping like a fish for air.
Turn this on its head. If I make an innocent comment which you take as an insult, does it become one?
Ahhh and that’s the most interesting part, I think that communication is all about acceptance of there being a little gap in the middle from intent to receipt where both parties take that final leap to meet.
So, in answer to your question - if someone says something without intent to hurt but the receiver is hurt by it, then there’s responsibilities on both to accept the validity of the other’s experience: the receiver to hear and accept the intent was not to hurt when explained *and* the sayer’s to hear that it hurt regardless of their intent and be accountable/sorry that this happened.
I have a colleague who sees insult in everything. I once told her she looked nice with eye make up on and she took it as an insult because I was obviously saying that she looked awful without it. I'm happy to accept my part in offence when its valid but I really can't be responsible for other people's insecurity and ability to see offence in every word uttered. "
I know someone like this. It's exhausting. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?"
I think it’s the intention to hurt that makes it insulting.
Although if I said something to someone, and unintentionally insulted them, I would apologise once I was made aware |
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?"
Here's the philosophical test
Would you sleep with them or recommend a friend who fancies them to sleep with them after the just words X
Would you treat them as best friends and commended them as lovely to others ?
I would suggest if your answers are no then indeed you consider their words as an insult xxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I usually see the ones who insulte me as insecured. Especially if they try to body shame me in a way or another.
There are words that are perceived as insults but they are not though. I guess it all depends on the context, the words used, the body gestures and, last but not least, the tone of voice used when saying something to someone. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I usually see the ones who insulte me as insecured. Especially if they try to body shame me in a way or another.
There are words that are perceived as insults but they are not though. I guess it all depends on the context, the words used, the body gestures and, last but not least, the tone of voice used when saying something to someone. "
Do you feel sorry for them because they are insecure? Does that make it less of an insult in your eyes? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?
I think it’s the intention to hurt that makes it insulting.
Although if I said something to someone, and unintentionally insulted them, I would apologise once I was made aware"
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Is it still an insult if it doesn't hurt you the way they intended it to?
Such as people calling me old/ fat/ skinny/ a prude/ a whore etc etc
If I process the word as just a word, is it still an insult? Have their efforts to insult me been wasted?
Here's the philosophical test
Would you sleep with them or recommend a friend who fancies them to sleep with them after the just words X
Would you treat them as best friends and commended them as lovely to others ?
I would suggest if your answers are no then indeed you consider their words as an insult xxx"
For me, it would depend on what they said. People can be insulting but also lovely sometimes. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It is an insult if it’s sent to evoke a negative feeling for the person that it’s direct for or about....... however..... you always have to the ability to be able to ask yourself if you wish to process and absorb this insult even though you had no choice if you wanted to receive it or not!
Do you know the person?
Do you like them?
Do you respect their opinion?
Do they care about you?
Are there any offers of emotional/practical support?
Any help to make plans/goals?
Was it said to incite negative feelings or emotions?
Do you value the person?
Do you trust them?
Do you want to connect with that? Allow negativity to rise?
Shut them down.... don’t hear it
 $- |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I usually see the ones who insulte me as insecured. Especially if they try to body shame me in a way or another.
There are words that are perceived as insults but they are not though. I guess it all depends on the context, the words used, the body gestures and, last but not least, the tone of voice used when saying something to someone.
Do you feel sorry for them because they are insecure? Does that make it less of an insult in your eyes?"
A bit sorry that I agree with them to help them feel better about themselves  |
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By *vcarolTV/TS
over a year ago
kilmarnockish |
Like most people like me , you develop a thick skin.
There are no fresh insults that have not been thrown my way over the years.
I used to care, no more. I laugh at them tbh.
People can be rude, hurtful and ignorant.
It only hurts if you let them. |
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