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Your worst (best) joke
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I'm sure you peeps are sick of me posting so last thread from me for today 
I remember when me and my mate had just started seeing each other. She walked into Asda to see me on a step ladder stacking up boxes of washing powder.
She said “You lying bastard You told me you were a pilot in the red arrows.”
I said “No I didn’t. I told you I was a member of the Aerial display team” |
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Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.
They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."
So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.
Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"
The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot" |
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Bloke goes to the opticians, he says "I've got a problem with my eyes, I can't see very far"
Optician says "Hmmm, ok come outside with me"
So they walk outside into the street and the optician says "look up there in the sky, what can you see?"
Bloke replies "Well, I can see the sun"
Optician says "Well how far do you want to fucking see?!" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bloke walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and buys a round before all three sit down. Once finished the ostrich gets up and buys a round of drinks. All night long the bloke and ostrich buy the drinks until the barman finally asks, "what's with just you and the ostrich buying the drinks, what about the cat?"
Well, says the bloke, I found an old bottle washed up on the beach and when I opened it a genie came out and granted me one wish for releasing him.........so I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy!  |
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By *hechapMan
over a year ago
Derry |
"I'm sure you peeps are sick of me posting so last thread from me for today
I remember when me and my mate had just started seeing each other. She walked into Asda to see me on a step ladder stacking up boxes of washing powder.
She said “You lying bastard You told me you were a pilot in the red arrows.”
I said “No I didn’t. I told you I was a member of the Aerial display team”"
I would have said well you see that washing powder its my job here to pile it.
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What’s the difference between a decent prime minister and a fucking shite one?
https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/756376/14_November_Explainer_for_the_agreement_on_the_withdrawal_of_the_United_Kingdom_of_Great_Britain_and_Northern_Ireland_from_the_European_Union___1_.pdf |
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"How many Surrealist does it take to change a light bulb?
Fish!"
Doesn’t that go into intellectual category though.
Anyway my favourite bad joke was one that I have delivered precious at a club because someone promised but then couldn’t come up with a joke about Penguins:
Why don’t Polar Bears eat Penguins
They can’t get the wrapper off |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"- What's the difference between E.T. and a Polish man in the UK?
- E.T. wants to go home.
OOF RIGHT IN THE GUTS. 
gotta love jokes, right? "
Here's one that's quite Fab appropriate! It's actually originally a Russian joke. Go look up Poruchik!
Kniaz Andrei Bolkonski asks Poruchik Rzhevsky: "Tell me, Poruchik, how did you come to be so good with the ladies? What is your secret?" / "It's quite simple, my Prince, quite simple. I just come over and say: 'Madame, would you like to fuck?'" / "But Poruchik, you'll get slapped in the face for that!" / "Yes, some of them slap, but most of them fuck."
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What's brown and stick?
A stick.
What's the difference between a good joke and timing? (That might be a spoken out loud joke)."
What's yellow and smells of bananas?
Bananas |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why has Edward Woodward got four D's in his name?
Because if he didn't he'd be called Ewar Woowar!"
This is my go-to joke. The funnier thing is that I always get the giggles and can't finish it |
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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago
Up on them there hills |
Man lives next door to a Central European couple.
One day his goose flies over the dividing fence and lays an egg in the couples garden
The man goes to ask for the egg to which he gets abuse, saying’ in Central Europe if things are on your land, they are yours!’.
He points out that ‘we are in England and subject to English values’.
He gets more abuse about my property my egg.
The man then say, ‘ as we are in England there is a custom to settle disputes, I kick you in the Belloc then you in return kick me in the bollox and the first to give in the other would get the egg. The man of the couple agreed.
The man gives the male of the couple an almighty kick in the bollox to which the Central European man falls to his knees gasping for breath.
After a few minutes he gets up and says, ‘my turn’.
The man turns round and says, ‘you keep the egg’. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why has Edward Woodward got four D's in his name?
Because if he didn't he'd be called Ewar Woowar!
This is my go-to joke. The funnier thing is that I always get the giggles and can't finish it "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"What's a fish without an eye called... Fsh"
that always gets me hahahahaha 
A Rabbi, an Immam, a Priest, a Nun, a horse and two ducks walk into a pub....landlord says ‘fuck this for a joke’ |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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""There's a black fella, a Pakistani and a jew in a nightclub....
What a fine example of an integrated community!! "
One for the fast show lovers out there!! "
hahahahaha |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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What do you call a donkey with one leg shorter than the others?
A wonkey donkey.
What do you call a donkey with only one eye and one leg shorter than the others?
A winkey wonkey donkey.
What do you call a donkey with only one eye, one leg shorter than the others who smells really bad?
A stinky winkey wonkey donkey.
What do you call a donkey with only one eye, one leg shorter than the other, who smells really bad and whose playing the piano?
A plinky plonkey stinkey winkey wonkey donkey.
Shall I go on? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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One more for the sapiophiles, then I'm off to bed ...
F:x - 3x + 9 goes into a pub and asks for a cheese sandwich. "Sorry," says the barman, "but we don't cater for functions" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Knock knock
"whose there"
"help me"
"help me who"
Noise and screaming takes place outside door.
knock knock,
No answer
knock knock
No answer,
Other voices," thank fuck we've finally killed one bastard off! We'll get the other cunt next time!
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"- What's the speed limit of sex?
- 68. Because at 69 you gotta turn around.
Are you offering to take me for a spin then. 
No."
Not even an emoji to soften the blow.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"- What's the speed limit of sex?
- 68. Because at 69 you gotta turn around.
Are you offering to take me for a spin then.
No.
Not even an emoji to soften the blow. "
You don't tick my boxes. Sorry. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"- What's the speed limit of sex?
- 68. Because at 69 you gotta turn around.
Are you offering to take me for a spin then.
No.
Not even an emoji to soften the blow.
You don't tick my boxes. Sorry."
I was only joking.  |
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"I'm sure you peeps are sick of me posting so last thread from me for today
I remember when me and my mate had just started seeing each other. She walked into Asda to see me on a step ladder stacking up boxes of washing powder.
She said “You lying bastard You told me you were a pilot in the red arrows.”
I said “No I didn’t. I told you I was a member of the Aerial display team”"
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A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder . There’s a few local people in and the barman serving .
He orders a drink and necks it down. Puts the glass on the bar and orders another .
Noticing the monkey the barman said “what’s with the monkey “
“Watch this “ said the man .
He punches the monkey in the face and he falls off his shoulder onto the floor . Gets up , undoes the mans fly , takes out his cock and gives him a blowjob.
The barman was amazed saying “I’ve never seen anything like that before” .
A gay man who was watching the event from the bar and asks . “Can anyone try that “
The man with the monkey says “ sure
If you like “
He stands up and moves toward him saying “ you won’t hit me too hard will you “.........
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) 
Agreed 