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Keeping your playmates playmates happy
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When there's a mutual playmate/friend do you alter your behaviour to keep the other person happy?
Do you worry about upsetting the other playmate/friend?
Have you ever found yourself walking on eggshells and potentially backing away from someone you really like due to not wanting to cause problems with the other person, even though you don't know them?
Example, wishing each other goodnight and sweet dreams. This is something you and your friend do every night, and have done for as long as you've known each other, but now feel like you can't, as when your friend is with the other person, the other person thinks it's disrespectful to do so when in their company.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think it’s down to the person in the middle to communicate clearly the boundaries eg. that this is something we’ve always done (eg. the goodnight habit) and will continue to do - or - if the new person they’re engaging with is someone they’d give up entirely or suspend that habit with the first person on the occasions that they are in the company of the new person, then they need to clearly stipulate this change in habit and the new boundaries.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s always down to clear communication, but the onus is on the person in the middle to be accountable to both playmates and not mislead either for the sake of reassuring the one they’re with at the time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not completely on topic peach.
But sometimes I feel having a good online relationship with someone maybe damaged by meeting and having sex with them.
I don't know why I think this and it's not the same with everyone.
Others I meet with no problems just a few I like to chat with, be there to discuss personal things and no more.
Am I making sense of it all? |
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By *iss.RedWoman
over a year ago
somewhere |
"It’s always down to clear communication, but the onus is on the person in the middle to be accountable to both playmates and not mislead either for the sake of reassuring the one they’re with at the time."
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Oh... That's an interesting thought!!
I haven't found myself in that situation as I try to avoid entanglements with close friends' playmates. Just keeps things simple.
I have friends whom I would speak to most nights, say goodnight to, etc., but if either one of us were meeting someone else, we'd usually just wish each other a fun time and leave each other in peace until its over.
Thinking about it... If I told a friend I was having a meet, and they kept interrupting, I would probably be annoyed. I generally like to give whomever I'm with my undivided attention.
Hope that helps? Xx |
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"It’s always down to clear communication, but the onus is on the person in the middle to be accountable to both playmates and not mislead either for the sake of reassuring the one they’re with at the time."
I agree to an extent yes, but have you ever thought fuck it, they don't need the aggro and there's bound to be more stuff that's gonna fuck the other person off so rather than hang about waiting for it and causing stress, just forget it.
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"Not completely on topic peach.
But sometimes I feel having a good online relationship with someone maybe damaged by meeting and having sex with them.
I don't know why I think this and it's not the same with everyone.
Others I meet with no problems just a few I like to chat with, be there to discuss personal things and no more.
Am I making sense of it all?"
I'm not sure, my brain isn't up to full steam just yet so it could be me not making sense. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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If my friend was with another person, I'd probably not for the night - I'd find it a bit crappy if a person I was spending time was messaging another person - kind of selfishly if I'm with someone on a meet I like their attention. I guess it's different if they are saying good night to their other half etc, not sure why that is.
I'd agree with E, communication is important. |
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"Oh... That's an interesting thought!!
I haven't found myself in that situation as I try to avoid entanglements with close friends' playmates. Just keeps things simple.
I have friends whom I would speak to most nights, say goodnight to, etc., but if either one of us were meeting someone else, we'd usually just wish each other a fun time and leave each other in peace until its over.
Thinking about it... If I told a friend I was having a meet, and they kept interrupting, I would probably be annoyed. I generally like to give whomever I'm with my undivided attention.
Hope that helps? Xx"
I'd just have mine on silent, nobody would know the messages were sent, but they were there.
I personally have no issue with those I'm with communicating with others, as long as it's not a piss take ya know. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It’s always down to clear communication, but the onus is on the person in the middle to be accountable to both playmates and not mislead either for the sake of reassuring the one they’re with at the time.
I agree to an extent yes, but have you ever thought fuck it, they don't need the aggro and there's bound to be more stuff that's gonna fuck the other person off so rather than hang about waiting for it and causing stress, just forget it.
"
Of course, but that’s the thing - relationships (in the sense of any human to human relationship rather than calling a status on it) take effort, and communication, and it can always feel easier to think “fuck it” and not do the work when it’s tricky, especially when the trickiness is telling us something we need to face, deal with or accept and we’re not quite ready to, wanting to or are scared of. If the “-ship” is worth it or means something and I would suggest if it causes the emotional reaction in the first place that shows it feels important, then it’s worth the effort to communicate and discuss. At least that way there’s a chance to find a resolution that works, rather than run away. It’s not easy, sure - but what is? |
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"If my friend was with another person, I'd probably not for the night - I'd find it a bit crappy if a person I was spending time was messaging another person - kind of selfishly if I'm with someone on a meet I like their attention. I guess it's different if they are saying good night to their other half etc, not sure why that is.
I'd agree with E, communication is important. "
I think you wouldn't mind if they were saying goodnight to their other half because you respect their relationship, that's my take on that bit.
I'm not just talking about messages though, that was an example. Have you changed a behaviour to keep another happy? |
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"It’s always down to clear communication, but the onus is on the person in the middle to be accountable to both playmates and not mislead either for the sake of reassuring the one they’re with at the time.
I agree to an extent yes, but have you ever thought fuck it, they don't need the aggro and there's bound to be more stuff that's gonna fuck the other person off so rather than hang about waiting for it and causing stress, just forget it.
Of course, but that’s the thing - relationships (in the sense of any human to human relationship rather than calling a status on it) take effort, and communication, and it can always feel easier to think “fuck it” and not do the work when it’s tricky, especially when the trickiness is telling us something we need to face, deal with or accept and we’re not quite ready to, wanting to or are scared of. If the “-ship” is worth it or means something and I would suggest if it causes the emotional reaction in the first place that shows it feels important, then it’s worth the effort to communicate and discuss. At least that way there’s a chance to find a resolution that works, rather than run away. It’s not easy, sure - but what is?"
Again I agree. I suppose some people are pre-set to seeing themselves as a hassle or a burden and are programmed to move over when they view themselves as impacting negatively on another, for whatever the reason. And if that negativity comes from upsetting the other playmate, whether it be regularity of meeting, communication, feelings of insecurity or whatever it's difficult not to feel responsible for their upset and not want to stress them out. |
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By *eliWoman
over a year ago
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"I'm not just talking about messages though, that was an example. Have you changed a behaviour to keep another happy? "
Yes. If I'm aware it's upsetting another or it would upset me then I tend to refrain from it. Not saying I get it right all the time but if I'm aware of it, I probably would. I think it's weighing up the happiness/sadness I feel against the hurt of another. It's a tricky one. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It’s always down to clear communication, but the onus is on the person in the middle to be accountable to both playmates and not mislead either for the sake of reassuring the one they’re with at the time.
I agree to an extent yes, but have you ever thought fuck it, they don't need the aggro and there's bound to be more stuff that's gonna fuck the other person off so rather than hang about waiting for it and causing stress, just forget it.
Of course, but that’s the thing - relationships (in the sense of any human to human relationship rather than calling a status on it) take effort, and communication, and it can always feel easier to think “fuck it” and not do the work when it’s tricky, especially when the trickiness is telling us something we need to face, deal with or accept and we’re not quite ready to, wanting to or are scared of. If the “-ship” is worth it or means something and I would suggest if it causes the emotional reaction in the first place that shows it feels important, then it’s worth the effort to communicate and discuss. At least that way there’s a chance to find a resolution that works, rather than run away. It’s not easy, sure - but what is?
Again I agree. I suppose some people are pre-set to seeing themselves as a hassle or a burden and are programmed to move over when they view themselves as impacting negatively on another, for whatever the reason. And if that negativity comes from upsetting the other playmate, whether it be regularity of meeting, communication, feelings of insecurity or whatever it's difficult not to feel responsible for their upset and not want to stress them out."
Its not nice to be a part of any sort of drama I agree, and I tend to be the one to side step away from things however much I may not want to just not to be a part of it.  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It’s always down to clear communication, but the onus is on the person in the middle to be accountable to both playmates and not mislead either for the sake of reassuring the one they’re with at the time.
I agree to an extent yes, but have you ever thought fuck it, they don't need the aggro and there's bound to be more stuff that's gonna fuck the other person off so rather than hang about waiting for it and causing stress, just forget it.
Of course, but that’s the thing - relationships (in the sense of any human to human relationship rather than calling a status on it) take effort, and communication, and it can always feel easier to think “fuck it” and not do the work when it’s tricky, especially when the trickiness is telling us something we need to face, deal with or accept and we’re not quite ready to, wanting to or are scared of. If the “-ship” is worth it or means something and I would suggest if it causes the emotional reaction in the first place that shows it feels important, then it’s worth the effort to communicate and discuss. At least that way there’s a chance to find a resolution that works, rather than run away. It’s not easy, sure - but what is?
Again I agree. I suppose some people are pre-set to seeing themselves as a hassle or a burden and are programmed to move over when they view themselves as impacting negatively on another, for whatever the reason. And if that negativity comes from upsetting the other playmate, whether it be regularity of meeting, communication, feelings of insecurity or whatever it's difficult not to feel responsible for their upset and not want to stress them out."
Pre-set scripts can be unlearned.
*Everyone* is of worth.
And a different slant to viewing it (which may be more palatable when one is feeling a burden) is to remember to just “fuck off” and not put in the effort to communicate and compromise and find a resolution is actually doing the friend a disservice too, as it’s likely to feel to them (however much one says with words it isn’t) that the person fucking off wasn’t as invested as they’d said. Show your worth and their worth to you by working on how to set boundaries that work for everyone, or to agree what the real set up is. |
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"I'm not just talking about messages though, that was an example. Have you changed a behaviour to keep another happy?
Yes. If I'm aware it's upsetting another or it would upset me then I tend to refrain from it. Not saying I get it right all the time but if I'm aware of it, I probably would. I think it's weighing up the happiness/sadness I feel against the hurt of another. It's a tricky one."
I hear ya.
It's also learning about the others involved, because something that may not be an issue to us, could be an issue to them too. Different people have different values and triggers. |
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Is there a possibility that the one in the middle my be subconsciously pitting you against each other.
All sounds like a bit of a drama to me. I’d leave it. A friend wouldn’t make you ask these questions. |
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"It’s always down to clear communication, but the onus is on the person in the middle to be accountable to both playmates and not mislead either for the sake of reassuring the one they’re with at the time.
I agree to an extent yes, but have you ever thought fuck it, they don't need the aggro and there's bound to be more stuff that's gonna fuck the other person off so rather than hang about waiting for it and causing stress, just forget it.
Of course, but that’s the thing - relationships (in the sense of any human to human relationship rather than calling a status on it) take effort, and communication, and it can always feel easier to think “fuck it” and not do the work when it’s tricky, especially when the trickiness is telling us something we need to face, deal with or accept and we’re not quite ready to, wanting to or are scared of. If the “-ship” is worth it or means something and I would suggest if it causes the emotional reaction in the first place that shows it feels important, then it’s worth the effort to communicate and discuss. At least that way there’s a chance to find a resolution that works, rather than run away. It’s not easy, sure - but what is?
Again I agree. I suppose some people are pre-set to seeing themselves as a hassle or a burden and are programmed to move over when they view themselves as impacting negatively on another, for whatever the reason. And if that negativity comes from upsetting the other playmate, whether it be regularity of meeting, communication, feelings of insecurity or whatever it's difficult not to feel responsible for their upset and not want to stress them out.
Its not nice to be a part of any sort of drama I agree, and I tend to be the one to side step away from things however much I may not want to just not to be a part of it. "
Yep. The one to feel responsible for everyone's feelings and make the sacrifices |
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"It’s always down to clear communication, but the onus is on the person in the middle to be accountable to both playmates and not mislead either for the sake of reassuring the one they’re with at the time.
I agree to an extent yes, but have you ever thought fuck it, they don't need the aggro and there's bound to be more stuff that's gonna fuck the other person off so rather than hang about waiting for it and causing stress, just forget it.
Of course, but that’s the thing - relationships (in the sense of any human to human relationship rather than calling a status on it) take effort, and communication, and it can always feel easier to think “fuck it” and not do the work when it’s tricky, especially when the trickiness is telling us something we need to face, deal with or accept and we’re not quite ready to, wanting to or are scared of. If the “-ship” is worth it or means something and I would suggest if it causes the emotional reaction in the first place that shows it feels important, then it’s worth the effort to communicate and discuss. At least that way there’s a chance to find a resolution that works, rather than run away. It’s not easy, sure - but what is?
Again I agree. I suppose some people are pre-set to seeing themselves as a hassle or a burden and are programmed to move over when they view themselves as impacting negatively on another, for whatever the reason. And if that negativity comes from upsetting the other playmate, whether it be regularity of meeting, communication, feelings of insecurity or whatever it's difficult not to feel responsible for their upset and not want to stress them out.
Pre-set scripts can be unlearned.
*Everyone* is of worth.
And a different slant to viewing it (which may be more palatable when one is feeling a burden) is to remember to just “fuck off” and not put in the effort to communicate and compromise and find a resolution is actually doing the friend a disservice too, as it’s likely to feel to them (however much one says with words it isn’t) that the person fucking off wasn’t as invested as they’d said. Show your worth and their worth to you by working on how to set boundaries that work for everyone, or to agree what the real set up is."
You're right, when thinking we are making their lives easier by stepping back to keep the other person happy, the mutual person could be the one left upset as well as the person taking the step back. |
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If I was deeply enough involved with somebody to say goodnight *every night* and they were with somebody else on a given night I wouldn't because at that time they are not "with" me. I would have wished them a good night before hand and let them get on with their other life. If they objected it would feel like they were trying to have the best of both worlds. |
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"Is there a possibility that the one in the middle my be subconsciously pitting you against each other.
All sounds like a bit of a drama to me. I’d leave it. A friend wouldn’t make you ask these questions. "
I suppose it could be an option. I think it's more about keeping everyone happy though, which must be tough. |
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"If I was deeply enough involved with somebody to say goodnight *every night* and they were with somebody else on a given night I wouldn't because at that time they are not "with" me. I would have wished them a good night before hand and let them get on with their other life. If they objected it would feel like they were trying to have the best of both worlds."
If they still wanted to receive the "goodnight" you mean?
As said previously, that was just an example of a change in behaviour.
What have you done to keep a friends friend happy? |
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"I'm considerate of others feelings but it wouldn't stop me doing anything I would do normally.
Haven't read the whole thread so apologies if it's been mentioned! X"
Nah, you're alone on this view!
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"If I’m with someone, I am with them. I tend not to look at my phone during meets. I think it’s a bit rude. Unless it’s a shared experience. "
I'm not too fussed by it, I appreciate people have lives away from me, what I wouldn't and don't like though, is them waiting for me to go to the toilet or something and quickly grabbing it. If you wanna check your phone, check it, don't sneak it. |
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"I'm not just talking about messages though, that was an example. Have you changed a behaviour to keep another happy? "
Not intentionally. If someone asked me to change a fundamental aspect of my character or behaviour, one of the things that makes me... well... me, I wouldn't do it, and I'd question my relationship with that person.
But change can be gradual. You may not even notice yourself changing. Relationships and people, in whatever form, subtly change us over time. |
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"I wouldn’t expect my friend to text me during a meet and I certainly wouldn’t message them either .... "
There is a mixed bag of responses. I've messaged friends before not expecting them to look at their phones, or have their phones on silent with something along the lines of "hope you're having a great night" I just assumed they'd see it when it was a convenient time, rather than a disturbance. |
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"Is there a possibility that the one in the middle my be subconsciously pitting you against each other.
All sounds like a bit of a drama to me. I’d leave it. A friend wouldn’t make you ask these questions.
I suppose it could be an option. I think it's more about keeping everyone happy though, which must be tough."
I guess what I meant by the second part is that a friend wouldn’t make you guess. They would say ‘rein it in a bit’ or ‘text you tomorrow’ They wouldn’t leave you to try and be the happiness facilitator. |
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"I'm not just talking about messages though, that was an example. Have you changed a behaviour to keep another happy?
Not intentionally. If someone asked me to change a fundamental aspect of my character or behaviour, one of the things that makes me... well... me, I wouldn't do it, and I'd question my relationship with that person.
But change can be gradual. You may not even notice yourself changing. Relationships and people, in whatever form, subtly change us over time. "
I didn't notice myself turn from an outgoing loud mouth who'd take no shit from anyone to a battered abused partner over the course of 11 years, so there's definite truth there! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Is there a possibility that the one in the middle my be subconsciously pitting you against each other.
All sounds like a bit of a drama to me. I’d leave it. A friend wouldn’t make you ask these questions.
I suppose it could be an option. I think it's more about keeping everyone happy though, which must be tough.
I guess what I meant by the second part is that a friend wouldn’t make you guess. They would say ‘rein it in a bit’ or ‘text you tomorrow’ They wouldn’t leave you to try and be the happiness facilitator. "
Agreed. |
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"Is there a possibility that the one in the middle my be subconsciously pitting you against each other.
All sounds like a bit of a drama to me. I’d leave it. A friend wouldn’t make you ask these questions.
I suppose it could be an option. I think it's more about keeping everyone happy though, which must be tough.
I guess what I meant by the second part is that a friend wouldn’t make you guess. They would say ‘rein it in a bit’ or ‘text you tomorrow’ They wouldn’t leave you to try and be the happiness facilitator. "
Ah, now that I understand, so rather than me making a decision to change something, it may be beneficial for the middle person to say "would you mind not...." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I have had digs made at me via the forums off people who really should know better..this is a swingers site after all.. if someone thinks what they have is virtual exclusivity whilst still being on here then they need to rethink why they are here |
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"I have had digs made at me via the forums off people who really should know better..this is a swingers site after all.. if someone thinks what they have is virtual exclusivity whilst still being on here then they need to rethink why they are here"
I think unless exclusivity is agreed then it's a given it won't be, unless a party is so focussed on one person they've no interest in anyone else, and that's through choice rather than agreement. |
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"Yes, I have backed off meeting people that seem to be heavily involved with other ladies I know xx"
That I can understand, I'd be the same especially if I thought I could see something awesome happening. I'd be happy for them and willing them to be everything they wanted and more! I'm a sucker for a happy ending, makes me clap and do a merry jig. I'd meet them as a couple though if the opportunity arose! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's not the same thing exactly, but I've met a guy who used to be on here with his fiance a couple of times, on his own but with her knowledge obviously. It's a new situation as I've only met single people on here before. I see her happiness with the situation as my main priority, I've told him to warn me if I get close to stepping on any toes at all ever, I don't pester him with messages and I like to know that he's been especially nice to her, like take her out on a date night, after we meet as it reassures me I guess? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Nah, I fuck him while she watches and fucks herself with her toy.
I'd do the same for her.
My kind of arrangement "
I don't have to be top bitch and neither does she. He's sent me pics and videos of other women he's fucking, over the years, as it's happening too. |
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"It's not the same thing exactly, but I've met a guy who used to be on here with his fiance a couple of times, on his own but with her knowledge obviously. It's a new situation as I've only met single people on here before. I see her happiness with the situation as my main priority, I've told him to warn me if I get close to stepping on any toes at all ever, I don't pester him with messages and I like to know that he's been especially nice to her, like take her out on a date night, after we meet as it reassures me I guess? "
I'm with you on this one. When I've met with couples or part of a couple I like to know both involved are happy. If the other party isn't there I've wanted to know they've been shown appreciation too. X |
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"Nah, I fuck him while she watches and fucks herself with her toy.
I'd do the same for her.
My kind of arrangement
I don't have to be top bitch and neither does she. He's sent me pics and videos of other women he's fucking, over the years, as it's happening too. "
Again... my kind of arrangement ha! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's not the same thing exactly, but I've met a guy who used to be on here with his fiance a couple of times, on his own but with her knowledge obviously. It's a new situation as I've only met single people on here before. I see her happiness with the situation as my main priority, I've told him to warn me if I get close to stepping on any toes at all ever, I don't pester him with messages and I like to know that he's been especially nice to her, like take her out on a date night, after we meet as it reassures me I guess?
I'm with you on this one. When I've met with couples or part of a couple I like to know both involved are happy. If the other party isn't there I've wanted to know they've been shown appreciation too. X"
That's exactly it x |
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"It’s always down to clear communication, but the onus is on the person in the middle to be accountable to both playmates and not mislead either for the sake of reassuring the one they’re with at the time."
Yes, openness and honesty work best - if someone says they have a meet that night, we'd say goodbye and chat again when they are finished. I don't mind any of my fiends messaging me at any time, if I am busy I will just reply as soon as I am free.  |
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"It’s always down to clear communication, but the onus is on the person in the middle to be accountable to both playmates and not mislead either for the sake of reassuring the one they’re with at the time.
Yes, openness and honesty work best - if someone says they have a meet that night, we'd say goodbye and chat again when they are finished. I don't mind any of my fiends messaging me at any time, if I am busy I will just reply as soon as I am free. "
That was my logic, nobody is forcing anyone to check their phone or reply, but I think it's nice to know you're being thought about. I enjoy reading messages or getting voicemails that say "hey, thinking of ya" kinda thing, regardless of who I'm with. I'll check them when I feel the time is right. |
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