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Atrocious sex jokes
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By *ddibleMan
over a year ago
Exeter Bristol Salisbury |
Wife says to husband "I can't believe you fucked my sister!"
Husbands reply "she was lying there naked on my desk, what was I supposed to do?"
Wife replies "the fucking autopsy you sick bastard"
Was that too much? Have I gone too far again??? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, chooses to climb the ladder.
The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.
He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him, but a fat, balding, sweaty man instead.
"Are you God?" the man asks. "No," the sweaty man replies. "I'm Cess." |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How can you tell when your sister is on her period? This one's pretty rough....I'll stop here until someone actually asks for the punch....."
When you taste the blood on your dads dick?  |
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Two old ladies are sitting on a park bench feeding the birds when a suspicious man in a long coat comes by. The ignore him at first, but then he whips open his coat & flashes his cock at them.
The first old lady had a stroke!
...but the second one couldn’t reach. |
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3 nurses walk past a bed and see a dead guy with a Boner so they say can't let that go to waste so the first one jumps on and fucks him second does the same 3rd one says can't man on my periods that say so he's dead he won't care so she say don't fuck it and she shags him too then just as She gets off he starts breathing and they apologise and say we thought u where dead he said a was but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion I feel better |
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By *ensualbicockMan
over a year ago
liverpool wavertree picton clock |
Teacher asks kids in school to come up with a word and use it in a sentence
First kid puts hand up and says "Rose"
Brilliant Mary the teacher says and can you put it in a sentence
Yes replies Mary . I was out with my father last week and he said " That rose garden looks nice "
Brilliant Mary , anyone else got a word the teacher asks
Little Jonny puts his hand up and says " contagious "
Brilliant and can you put it in a sentence Jonny
Yes miss last week me and my father where watching the neighbour paint his fence and my father said " that's gonna take that cunt ages "
Boom boom |
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A guy meets a friend in a pub he hasn't seen for years. He asks how life has been treating him, as he is very smartly dressed and his Bentley is parked outside. His friend tells him that the best thing he ever did, and the secret to his success, was opening a brothel. It was an absolute money spinner, offering straight sex on the ground floor, gay male sex on the first floor, and child sex in the attic. Looking back now it was all worth it he says, although it was tough to begin with, as it was just him, the wife, and their kids..........  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"A guy meets a friend in a pub he hasn't seen for years. He asks how life has been treating him, as he is very smartly dressed and his Bentley is parked outside. His friend tells him that the best thing he ever did, and the secret to his success, was opening a brothel. It was an absolute money spinner, offering straight sex on the ground floor, gay male sex on the first floor, and child sex in the attic. Looking back now it was all worth it he says, although it was tough to begin with, as it was just him, the wife, and their kids.......... "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Why does the OP wear a kilt ?
Because Sheep can hear the unzipping trousers from a 100 yards away."
i asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners he has had ?
He started counting and fell asleep |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not technically a sex joke, but it made me laugh:
Guy in Asda with his mrs, he put a box of Stella in the trolley.
“What d’you think your doing”? asks his mrs.
“It’s on offer, £10 for 24 cans” he replies.
“Put them back we can’t afford it” she tells him.
A few aisles on she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.
“What you doin’” he asks?
“It makes my face look beautiful” she replies.
He answers “So does 24 cans of Stella, and it’s half the fu*king price”!! |
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Bloke goes into the pub with a big grin on his face.
"Where you been?"asks his mates.
"Picked up a girl near the railway tracks. Spent all weekend fucking her".
"Was she pretty?" asks his mates.
"Dunno" says he..."never found her head!" |
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By *apmanMan
over a year ago
Harpenden |
Teacher taking a class on a nature trip gets stung on the hand by a hornet. She's crying with pain and a little boy says, Miss, Miss, put it in a bowl of cider. Luckily the driver has a can of cider, empties it into a bowl, and the teacher immerses her hand. Only to pull it out seconds later because it makes the pain excruciating. 'You stupid boy, what on earth were you thinking'
Bewildered the boy blubs 'I don't understand. My mum says when she gets a prick in her hand, she wants to get it in cider straight away'
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"Not technically a sex joke, but it made me laugh:
Guy in Asda with his mrs, he put a box of Stella in the trolley.
“What d’you think your doing”? asks his mrs.
“It’s on offer, £10 for 24 cans” he replies.
“Put them back we can’t afford it” she tells him.
A few aisles on she picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.
“What you doin’” he asks?
“It makes my face look beautiful” she replies.
He answers “So does 24 cans of Stella, and it’s half the fu*king price”!!"
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"2 nuns in the bath
One says "where's the soap"
The other says "yeah it does a bit." "
same two nuns riding bicycles on a cobbled street. One nun says to the other:
"I've never come this way before" |
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. I like pork pie
