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Narcissism and manipulation
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Anyone have a narcissit as a partner or family member?
I grew up with a narcassistic mother (who im with on holiday now  ) and my father enabled her which made her worse and he even started using her techniques.
The comparing to others, never being good enough and something ive heard of but only recently learned about.. gaslighting. It were you remember something but then are told you are wrong or it didnt happen and then you begin to question your own sanity.
Im just doing this post as today i decided im not going to tolerate the abuse anymore. I had a run in yesterday when my mum was telling me i should be doing this or that and she was picking me apart. She started with her usual my life is hard and im poor (even though she is on 100k basic and im unemployed.. i kid you not). She looks for attention constantly.. even bad attention.
I told her she has no class and by her saying infront of me and others here in our group who actually arent very well off its like saying to an african child.. im starving. She just refuses to see my point of view.
She used to walk around nude infront of me growing up and still does now infront of my brother who is nearly 18. I think this is like a power thing, like trying to dominate us. I said to her if my dad walked around nude infront of my sister he would be put on the sex offenders register.
Im going off on one here a bit but i wanted to share this as i wanted to know if its a common thing? And to let people know there is a way out and you dont have to put up with the bullshit.
I really do believe that skilled narcissits can identify vulnerable people and take them under their wing and they become like a possession or a pet. They just drop you when they dont need you.
Dont be a victim of this just because you want to be loved. Everyone deserves to be loved and with love it should be unconditional not a relationship were you need to jump through hoops to get affection.
I know this is quite deep but fuck it.. hopefully by sharing it can help someone and ive removed all message fllters if anyone wants to message me as they dont want to reply here.
Be yourself. Aslong as you like you.. fuck everyone else.
As Ali G would say... keep it real.
P.s. well done if you read all that haha |
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You can't change her.
You can change you and your reaction to her.
Get yourself some therapy,and stop putting yourself in the position where you keep repeating old patterns, old dramas.
When you were a kid you had no choices, now you are an adult you do and you can remove yourself from her drama.
Harsh but true.
Hug of support to you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"You can't change her.
You can change you and your reaction to her.
Get yourself some therapy,and stop putting yourself in the position where you keep repeating old patterns, old dramas.
When you were a kid you had no choices, now you are an adult you do and you can remove yourself from her drama.
Harsh but true.
Hug of support to you."
Was trying to think of the words after reading but couldn't  
But this is perfect 
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Im just going to say hello, goodbye and be polite.
I was going to completely cut her off but to do that id have to cut obe half of my family off which i dont want to do.
Im also going stop trying to fix the relationship cos its only me trying and im setting myself up for failure everytime.
One of my cousins lost his mum a couple years ago through suicide and it made me think i want to repair the relationshop cos shes still here.. but mentally.. shes gone |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"You can't change her.
You can change you and your reaction to her.
Get yourself some therapy,and stop putting yourself in the position where you keep repeating old patterns, old dramas.
When you were a kid you had no choices, now you are an adult you do and you can remove yourself from her drama.
Harsh but true.
Hug of support to you.
Was trying to think of the words after reading but couldn't
But this is perfect
"
Thank you |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"You can't change her.
You can change you and your reaction to her.
Get yourself some therapy,and stop putting yourself in the position where you keep repeating old patterns, old dramas.
When you were a kid you had no choices, now you are an adult you do and you can remove yourself from her drama.
Harsh but true.
Hug of support to you."
Your right, tried hypnotherapy but i dont think i can be hypnotised.. i tried. Did 10 sessions but when she was putting me "under" i was thinking about what i was having for dinner haha.
Thanks for the support |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"You can't change her.
You can change you and your reaction to her.
Get yourself some therapy,and stop putting yourself in the position where you keep repeating old patterns, old dramas.
When you were a kid you had no choices, now you are an adult you do and you can remove yourself from her drama.
Harsh but true.
Hug of support to you.
Was trying to think of the words after reading but couldn't
But this is perfect
"
What they said about what she said.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I was married to a narcissist for over 22 years, he’ll never change. I made the decision to walk away. You have to choose do you want to be treated that way x |
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By *uzzy NavelWoman
over a year ago
so near and yet so far.... |
"Im just going to say hello, goodbye and be polite.
I was going to completely cut her off but to do that id have to cut obe half of my family off which i dont want to do.
Im also going stop trying to fix the relationship cos its only me trying and im setting myself up for failure everytime.
One of my cousins lost his mum a couple years ago through suicide and it made me think i want to repair the relationshop cos shes still here.. but mentally.. shes gone"
So sad to read, I’m happy you’ve made the decision to change what you can change to feel better.
Sending virtual hugs also xx |
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Fortunately I don't have anyone in my immediate family like that. I know people like that but have the ability to filter them away from me. I found it interesting that you said you dad enables the behaviour. I find this is almost always the case. When you have a good partner then they are the first person who warns you when your behaviour strays into asshole territory. When you don't... |
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My ex wife was a narcissist, still is. She still tries to control me and make me feel inadequate in any way she can.
I try not to engage any more, just leave her to it. It's her that's wasting the energy I just try to do all I can for my daughter.
But from your mother and father that's shit, like the people that are supposed to love you unconditionally.
Sorry man, well done for identifying the actions and deciding to stand up to it |
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Im unsure about my mum, she is a bizarre creature. I'm not sure she's a narcissist but I couldn't do a thing right, or good enough. I did however end up with a narcissistic partner and in an abusive relationship for 11 years. I hear ya!
Comes to a point where you don't even know who you are anymore or how you ended up existing such a worthless life.
Then ya snap.
You realise your existence is worthless in comparison to the life you could be living. Without the toxicity, without the venom and without the lies about how useless you are.
It takes time but you can rise like a phoenix from the flames, become the old you, except this version of you won't take any shit coz now you know the signals.
Once you find that fire in your belly again the freedom is unreal. They might break ya, but it's only temporary and eventually you come back (albeit a little scarred in places - those wounds can be stitched though, make no mistake) |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
Thank you for all the positive messages. Its good to know there are good people... even in this crazy place haha.
The enablers are the ones who i struggle with in my family when i call her out for treating me or my bro an sis like crap and people tell me to shut up.
There just ostriches basically |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I lived with a narcissist for 3 years. I still carry the emotional scars 4 years on, but I hide them much better now.
Slowly but surely I’m getting back to being myself but I think I’ll always be in the lookout for tell tale signs. I can’t ever go through that again.
It takes great courage to leave and pick up the pieces of you that are left. It’s heartening to know others have made the same mistake I did and have dig deep and made the break |
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"Im unsure about my mum, she is a bizarre creature. I'm not sure she's a narcissist but I couldn't do a thing right, or good enough. I did however end up with a narcissistic partner and in an abusive relationship for 11 years. I hear ya!
Comes to a point where you don't even know who you are anymore or how you ended up existing such a worthless life.
Then ya snap.
You realise your existence is worthless in comparison to the life you could be living. Without the toxicity, without the venom and without the lies about how useless you are.
It takes time but you can rise like a phoenix from the flames, become the old you, except this version of you won't take any shit coz now you know the signals.
Once you find that fire in your belly again the freedom is unreal. They might break ya, but it's only temporary and eventually you come back (albeit a little scarred in places - those wounds can be stitched though, make no mistake)"
I don't think I'll ever be completely ok now, my self confidence is shot like, I know that I am good at some things but I always have self doubt. I have very little body confidence because of the way she made me feel. I'm not sure that I'll ever get those back and that's why I resent her more than anything, she took me from being me. I used to always have the biggest smile in the crowd.
Shit.
Sorry OP this has me thinking too. Didn't mean to hijack your post. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
its not easy, life never is.
ive done plenty of walking away when things have got to much or when i was just unhappy.
quit jobs, home,sold everything. got on the bike and started again somewhere else in a new location.
did it for years.
different now as im older and you cannot run forever.
believe in yourself. roads can be dark, long and sometimes evil.
japanese say.
fall seven times. get up 8. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Anyone have a narcissit as a partner or family member?
I grew up with a narcassistic mother (who im with on holiday now ) and my father enabled her which made her worse and he even started using her techniques.
The comparing to others, never being good enough and something ive heard of but only recently learned about.. gaslighting. It were you remember something but then are told you are wrong or it didnt happen and then you begin to question your own sanity.
Im just doing this post as today i decided im not going to tolerate the abuse anymore. I had a run in yesterday when my mum was telling me i should be doing this or that and she was picking me apart. She started with her usual my life is hard and im poor (even though she is on 100k basic and im unemployed.. i kid you not). She looks for attention constantly.. even bad attention.
I told her she has no class and by her saying infront of me and others here in our group who actually arent very well off its like saying to an african child.. im starving. She just refuses to see my point of view.
She used to walk around nude infront of me growing up and still does now infront of my brother who is nearly 18. I think this is like a power thing, like trying to dominate us. I said to her if my dad walked around nude infront of my sister he would be put on the sex offenders register.
Im going off on one here a bit but i wanted to share this as i wanted to know if its a common thing? And to let people know there is a way out and you dont have to put up with the bullshit.
I really do believe that skilled narcissits can identify vulnerable people and take them under their wing and they become like a possession or a pet. They just drop you when they dont need you.
Dont be a victim of this just because you want to be loved. Everyone deserves to be loved and with love it should be unconditional not a relationship were you need to jump through hoops to get affection.
I know this is quite deep but fuck it.. hopefully by sharing it can help someone and ive removed all message fllters if anyone wants to message me as they dont want to reply here.
Be yourself. Aslong as you like you.. fuck everyone else.
As Ali G would say... keep it real.
P.s. well done if you read all that haha"
Don't know about narcissum but it could be a personality disorder.
If you have a strained relationship with your mother, why would you go on holiday with her? Have you not learned strategies to cope? My strategy is to stay away from those who want to bring me down and not raise me up (parents, yeah who needs them...) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
To OP...My parents, sister and two ex friends are narcissists.
I cut the two friends completely out of my life. They hated the fact they could no longer treat me in that way. So much so they spread awful disgusting lies about me.
What was just as sad, I lost alot of other friend due to them believing those two! I even covered for those horrid creatures when they cheated on their husbands and also had affairs.
Yet they chose to destroy me because I walked away from them! Utterly unbelievable.
My sister constantly slags me off in any way she can, even infront of my kids! Despite her treating people like crap. She's currently sleeping with her neighbours husband but shhh she doesn't realise I've found out! Yet I'm apparently a slag because I choose to stay single and date instead of rushing into settling down with the first guy I meet . She lives her life on full benefits. Convinced the GP her son's speech impediment is worse then it is just so she can claim carers allowance and disability allowance . She has 4 kids by different dad's and admits she did that on purpose to gain as much money from each dad. She told her ex who got back with her, if they didn't get married he's dumped and couldn't see their kid again. The fool married her! She even tried breaking our brothers marriage up. The list goes on.
My dad told me he's ashamed of me because I chose to qualify in a construction trade, instead of doing something ladylike! He takes the piss out of me because I'm not currently working in the trade I qualified in. Said me going to uni is a waste of time, I'll get nowhere. Sneers at me and says horrid comments to me because I'm a single mother. He even slagged me and other single mothers off infront of his work colleagues. He sat by and watched me and my kids become homeless even though his loaded. I asked for a loan not a freebie but was told no. Both parents also beat me and my siblings throughout our entire childhood. Leaving bruises and black eyes. I even remember them beating me with a carpet gripper! Can't remember them hugging us or even hearing the words love you.
I was sexually abused at 10ys old by my dad's cousin though marriage.
I fully agree whenever I hear folk say a rotten childhood can ruin a person adulthood. I don't know how to say I love you and petrified I've ruined my kids lives due to my lack of affection. Even though I've never lifted a finger to hurt them. Also I've given them everything, including going without meals for myself.
So OP, I feel your pain. I really do. I'm so sorry to read what you've been through. Apologies for my long post  |
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"Thank you for all the positive messages. Its good to know there are good people... even in this crazy place haha.
The enablers are the ones who i struggle with in my family when i call her out for treating me or my bro an sis like crap and people tell me to shut up.
There just ostriches basically"
This is so true, my ex's family just used to say "oh you know what he's like" or "typical X" |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To OP...My parents, sister and two ex friends are narcissists.
I cut the two friends completely out of my life. They hated the fact they could no longer treat me in that way. So much so they spread awful disgusting lies about me.
What was just as sad, I lost alot of other friend due to them believing those two! I even covered for those horrid creatures when they cheated on their husbands and also had affairs.
Yet they chose to destroy me because I walked away from them! Utterly unbelievable.
My sister constantly slags me off in any way she can, even infront of my kids! Despite her treating people like crap. She's currently sleeping with her neighbours husband but shhh she doesn't realise I've found out! Yet I'm apparently a slag because I choose to stay single and date instead of rushing into settling down with the first guy I meet . She lives her life on full benefits. Convinced the GP her son's speech impediment is worse then it is just so she can claim carers allowance and disability allowance . She has 4 kids by different dad's and admits she did that on purpose to gain as much money from each dad. She told her ex who got back with her, if they didn't get married he's dumped and couldn't see their kid again. The fool married her! She even tried breaking our brothers marriage up. The list goes on.
My dad told me he's ashamed of me because I chose to qualify in a construction trade, instead of doing something ladylike! He takes the piss out of me because I'm not currently working in the trade I qualified in. Said me going to uni is a waste of time, I'll get nowhere. Sneers at me and says horrid comments to me because I'm a single mother. He even slagged me and other single mothers off infront of his work colleagues. He sat by and watched me and my kids become homeless even though his loaded. I asked for a loan not a freebie but was told no. Both parents also beat me and my siblings throughout our entire childhood. Leaving bruises and black eyes. I even remember them beating me with a carpet gripper! Can't remember them hugging us or even hearing the words love you.
I was sexually abused at 10ys old by my dad's cousin though marriage.
I fully agree whenever I hear folk say a rotten childhood can ruin a person adulthood. I don't know how to say I love you and petrified I've ruined my kids lives due to my lack of affection. Even though I've never lifted a finger to hurt them. Also I've given them everything, including going without meals for myself.
So OP, I feel your pain. I really do. I'm so sorry to read what you've been through. Apologies for my long post "
dont need to apologize.
we all are human with our own set of problems and worries.
im sorry this is all happened/happening to you.
i really am. sometimes we forget how lucky some of us are and its only people like yourself who being brave enough to talk about things we then learn hopefully how to treat each other better and not in such a terrible way.
no shame in talking about things. none at all. your must braver than i am.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To OP...My parents, sister and two ex friends are narcissists.
I cut the two friends completely out of my life. They hated the fact they could no longer treat me in that way. So much so they spread awful disgusting lies about me.
What was just as sad, I lost alot of other friend due to them believing those two! I even covered for those horrid creatures when they cheated on their husbands and also had affairs.
Yet they chose to destroy me because I walked away from them! Utterly unbelievable.
My sister constantly slags me off in any way she can, even infront of my kids! Despite her treating people like crap. She's currently sleeping with her neighbours husband but shhh she doesn't realise I've found out! Yet I'm apparently a slag because I choose to stay single and date instead of rushing into settling down with the first guy I meet . She lives her life on full benefits. Convinced the GP her son's speech impediment is worse then it is just so she can claim carers allowance and disability allowance . She has 4 kids by different dad's and admits she did that on purpose to gain as much money from each dad. She told her ex who got back with her, if they didn't get married he's dumped and couldn't see their kid again. The fool married her! She even tried breaking our brothers marriage up. The list goes on.
My dad told me he's ashamed of me because I chose to qualify in a construction trade, instead of doing something ladylike! He takes the piss out of me because I'm not currently working in the trade I qualified in. Said me going to uni is a waste of time, I'll get nowhere. Sneers at me and says horrid comments to me because I'm a single mother. He even slagged me and other single mothers off infront of his work colleagues. He sat by and watched me and my kids become homeless even though his loaded. I asked for a loan not a freebie but was told no. Both parents also beat me and my siblings throughout our entire childhood. Leaving bruises and black eyes. I even remember them beating me with a carpet gripper! Can't remember them hugging us or even hearing the words love you.
I was sexually abused at 10ys old by my dad's cousin though marriage.
I fully agree whenever I hear folk say a rotten childhood can ruin a person adulthood. I don't know how to say I love you and petrified I've ruined my kids lives due to my lack of affection. Even though I've never lifted a finger to hurt them. Also I've given them everything, including going without meals for myself.
So OP, I feel your pain. I really do. I'm so sorry to read what you've been through. Apologies for my long post "
Honey our childhood is the foundation of adulthood - having an abusive is live building a house on sand. YOU have the ability to rebuild that useless foundation. It will take time and energy. There will be times you feel like you're failing... It passes.
Be your best friend. Be a mother to your inner child and love her. Let her scream and hit out - love her hold her.
I love me now, not constantly, but I accept myself, I have strengths and faults. The only thing I need to master is me in an adult relationship... That's currently shit with an overactive imagination always thinking the worst. But hey, we are all a work in progress. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To OP...My parents, sister and two ex friends are narcissists.
I cut the two friends completely out of my life. They hated the fact they could no longer treat me in that way. So much so they spread awful disgusting lies about me.
What was just as sad, I lost alot of other friend due to them believing those two! I even covered for those horrid creatures when they cheated on their husbands and also had affairs.
Yet they chose to destroy me because I walked away from them! Utterly unbelievable.
My sister constantly slags me off in any way she can, even infront of my kids! Despite her treating people like crap. She's currently sleeping with her neighbours husband but shhh she doesn't realise I've found out! Yet I'm apparently a slag because I choose to stay single and date instead of rushing into settling down with the first guy I meet . She lives her life on full benefits. Convinced the GP her son's speech impediment is worse then it is just so she can claim carers allowance and disability allowance . She has 4 kids by different dad's and admits she did that on purpose to gain as much money from each dad. She told her ex who got back with her, if they didn't get married he's dumped and couldn't see their kid again. The fool married her! She even tried breaking our brothers marriage up. The list goes on.
My dad told me he's ashamed of me because I chose to qualify in a construction trade, instead of doing something ladylike! He takes the piss out of me because I'm not currently working in the trade I qualified in. Said me going to uni is a waste of time, I'll get nowhere. Sneers at me and says horrid comments to me because I'm a single mother. He even slagged me and other single mothers off infront of his work colleagues. He sat by and watched me and my kids become homeless even though his loaded. I asked for a loan not a freebie but was told no. Both parents also beat me and my siblings throughout our entire childhood. Leaving bruises and black eyes. I even remember them beating me with a carpet gripper! Can't remember them hugging us or even hearing the words love you.
I was sexually abused at 10ys old by my dad's cousin though marriage.
I fully agree whenever I hear folk say a rotten childhood can ruin a person adulthood. I don't know how to say I love you and petrified I've ruined my kids lives due to my lack of affection. Even though I've never lifted a finger to hurt them. Also I've given them everything, including going without meals for myself.
So OP, I feel your pain. I really do. I'm so sorry to read what you've been through. Apologies for my long post
Honey our childhood is the foundation of adulthood - having an abusive is live building a house on sand. YOU have the ability to rebuild that useless foundation. It will take time and energy. There will be times you feel like you're failing... It passes.
Be your best friend. Be a mother to your inner child and love her. Let her scream and hit out - love her hold her.
I love me now, not constantly, but I accept myself, I have strengths and faults. The only thing I need to master is me in an adult relationship... That's currently shit with an overactive imagination always thinking the worst. But hey, we are all a work in progress. "
Oops - having an abusive childhood is like building etc |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To OP...My parents, sister and two ex friends are narcissists.
I cut the two friends completely out of my life. They hated the fact they could no longer treat me in that way. So much so they spread awful disgusting lies about me.
What was just as sad, I lost alot of other friend due to them believing those two! I even covered for those horrid creatures when they cheated on their husbands and also had affairs.
Yet they chose to destroy me because I walked away from them! Utterly unbelievable.
My sister constantly slags me off in any way she can, even infront of my kids! Despite her treating people like crap. She's currently sleeping with her neighbours husband but shhh she doesn't realise I've found out! Yet I'm apparently a slag because I choose to stay single and date instead of rushing into settling down with the first guy I meet . She lives her life on full benefits. Convinced the GP her son's speech impediment is worse then it is just so she can claim carers allowance and disability allowance . She has 4 kids by different dad's and admits she did that on purpose to gain as much money from each dad. She told her ex who got back with her, if they didn't get married he's dumped and couldn't see their kid again. The fool married her! She even tried breaking our brothers marriage up. The list goes on.
My dad told me he's ashamed of me because I chose to qualify in a construction trade, instead of doing something ladylike! He takes the piss out of me because I'm not currently working in the trade I qualified in. Said me going to uni is a waste of time, I'll get nowhere. Sneers at me and says horrid comments to me because I'm a single mother. He even slagged me and other single mothers off infront of his work colleagues. He sat by and watched me and my kids become homeless even though his loaded. I asked for a loan not a freebie but was told no. Both parents also beat me and my siblings throughout our entire childhood. Leaving bruises and black eyes. I even remember them beating me with a carpet gripper! Can't remember them hugging us or even hearing the words love you.
I was sexually abused at 10ys old by my dad's cousin though marriage.
I fully agree whenever I hear folk say a rotten childhood can ruin a person adulthood. I don't know how to say I love you and petrified I've ruined my kids lives due to my lack of affection. Even though I've never lifted a finger to hurt them. Also I've given them everything, including going without meals for myself.
So OP, I feel your pain. I really do. I'm so sorry to read what you've been through. Apologies for my long post
dont need to apologize.
we all are human with our own set of problems and worries.
im sorry this is all happened/happening to you.
i really am. sometimes we forget how lucky some of us are and its only people like yourself who being brave enough to talk about things we then learn hopefully how to treat each other better and not in such a terrible way.
no shame in talking about things. none at all. your must braver than i am.
"
Thank you. Talking via behind a screen is easier though. I don't speak off everything I've been through. Had all that used against me by so called friends spreading it around to others. So I just stopped talking about it and keep it all inside my head. Most folk think the sun shines out of all those I've mentioned, so I think who would believe me anyway.
After my 16 yr old daughter leaves education, I'm moving away. Far away! If I don't, I feel I'll end up ill!
Just because some people are parents, doesn't mean they deserve to have children. Some are just rotten to the core. |
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"To OP...My parents, sister and two ex friends are narcissists.
I cut the two friends completely out of my life. They hated the fact they could no longer treat me in that way. So much so they spread awful disgusting lies about me.
What was just as sad, I lost alot of other friend due to them believing those two! I even covered for those horrid creatures when they cheated on their husbands and also had affairs.
Yet they chose to destroy me because I walked away from them! Utterly unbelievable.
My sister constantly slags me off in any way she can, even infront of my kids! Despite her treating people like crap. She's currently sleeping with her neighbours husband but shhh she doesn't realise I've found out! Yet I'm apparently a slag because I choose to stay single and date instead of rushing into settling down with the first guy I meet . She lives her life on full benefits. Convinced the GP her son's speech impediment is worse then it is just so she can claim carers allowance and disability allowance . She has 4 kids by different dad's and admits she did that on purpose to gain as much money from each dad. She told her ex who got back with her, if they didn't get married he's dumped and couldn't see their kid again. The fool married her! She even tried breaking our brothers marriage up. The list goes on.
My dad told me he's ashamed of me because I chose to qualify in a construction trade, instead of doing something ladylike! He takes the piss out of me because I'm not currently working in the trade I qualified in. Said me going to uni is a waste of time, I'll get nowhere. Sneers at me and says horrid comments to me because I'm a single mother. He even slagged me and other single mothers off infront of his work colleagues. He sat by and watched me and my kids become homeless even though his loaded. I asked for a loan not a freebie but was told no. Both parents also beat me and my siblings throughout our entire childhood. Leaving bruises and black eyes. I even remember them beating me with a carpet gripper! Can't remember them hugging us or even hearing the words love you.
I was sexually abused at 10ys old by my dad's cousin though marriage.
I fully agree whenever I hear folk say a rotten childhood can ruin a person adulthood. I don't know how to say I love you and petrified I've ruined my kids lives due to my lack of affection. Even though I've never lifted a finger to hurt them. Also I've given them everything, including going without meals for myself.
So OP, I feel your pain. I really do. I'm so sorry to read what you've been through. Apologies for my long post "
That is one brave post ,lady.
Can you see how that patterns repeat? Your parents enabled each other's behaviour. Your sister grew up with them as warped role models and has gone on to repeat their behaviour.
You've chosen friends who are emotionally abusive as to a certain extent their behaviour is familiar and "comfortable" and you feel you aren't worth more.
Listen up. You are worth more. You deserve more.
A rotten childhood can and will affect your adult life, but it doesn't have to ruin it.
First step is talking about it. You are doing that now and well fucking done to you.
Now get yourself some therapy of some sort and strengthen the inner you. You'll benefit and so will your kids.
Big bloody hug of support for you.
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To OP...My parents, sister and two ex friends are narcissists.
I cut the two friends completely out of my life. They hated the fact they could no longer treat me in that way. So much so they spread awful disgusting lies about me.
What was just as sad, I lost alot of other friend due to them believing those two! I even covered for those horrid creatures when they cheated on their husbands and also had affairs.
Yet they chose to destroy me because I walked away from them! Utterly unbelievable.
My sister constantly slags me off in any way she can, even infront of my kids! Despite her treating people like crap. She's currently sleeping with her neighbours husband but shhh she doesn't realise I've found out! Yet I'm apparently a slag because I choose to stay single and date instead of rushing into settling down with the first guy I meet . She lives her life on full benefits. Convinced the GP her son's speech impediment is worse then it is just so she can claim carers allowance and disability allowance . She has 4 kids by different dad's and admits she did that on purpose to gain as much money from each dad. She told her ex who got back with her, if they didn't get married he's dumped and couldn't see their kid again. The fool married her! She even tried breaking our brothers marriage up. The list goes on.
My dad told me he's ashamed of me because I chose to qualify in a construction trade, instead of doing something ladylike! He takes the piss out of me because I'm not currently working in the trade I qualified in. Said me going to uni is a waste of time, I'll get nowhere. Sneers at me and says horrid comments to me because I'm a single mother. He even slagged me and other single mothers off infront of his work colleagues. He sat by and watched me and my kids become homeless even though his loaded. I asked for a loan not a freebie but was told no. Both parents also beat me and my siblings throughout our entire childhood. Leaving bruises and black eyes. I even remember them beating me with a carpet gripper! Can't remember them hugging us or even hearing the words love you.
I was sexually abused at 10ys old by my dad's cousin though marriage.
I fully agree whenever I hear folk say a rotten childhood can ruin a person adulthood. I don't know how to say I love you and petrified I've ruined my kids lives due to my lack of affection. Even though I've never lifted a finger to hurt them. Also I've given them everything, including going without meals for myself.
So OP, I feel your pain. I really do. I'm so sorry to read what you've been through. Apologies for my long post
dont need to apologize.
we all are human with our own set of problems and worries.
im sorry this is all happened/happening to you.
i really am. sometimes we forget how lucky some of us are and its only people like yourself who being brave enough to talk about things we then learn hopefully how to treat each other better and not in such a terrible way.
no shame in talking about things. none at all. your must braver than i am.
Thank you. Talking via behind a screen is easier though. I don't speak off everything I've been through. Had all that used against me by so called friends spreading it around to others. So I just stopped talking about it and keep it all inside my head. Most folk think the sun shines out of all those I've mentioned, so I think who would believe me anyway.
After my 16 yr old daughter leaves education, I'm moving away. Far away! If I don't, I feel I'll end up ill!
Just because some people are parents, doesn't mean they deserve to have children. Some are just rotten to the core."
I was in a similar position. I moved away and slowly everything is coming together. It takes time, but life is so much better now.
Big hugs and hope it works out for you! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To OP...My parents, sister and two ex friends are narcissists.
I cut the two friends completely out of my life. They hated the fact they could no longer treat me in that way. So much so they spread awful disgusting lies about me.
What was just as sad, I lost alot of other friend due to them believing those two! I even covered for those horrid creatures when they cheated on their husbands and also had affairs.
Yet they chose to destroy me because I walked away from them! Utterly unbelievable.
My sister constantly slags me off in any way she can, even infront of my kids! Despite her treating people like crap. She's currently sleeping with her neighbours husband but shhh she doesn't realise I've found out! Yet I'm apparently a slag because I choose to stay single and date instead of rushing into settling down with the first guy I meet . She lives her life on full benefits. Convinced the GP her son's speech impediment is worse then it is just so she can claim carers allowance and disability allowance . She has 4 kids by different dad's and admits she did that on purpose to gain as much money from each dad. She told her ex who got back with her, if they didn't get married he's dumped and couldn't see their kid again. The fool married her! She even tried breaking our brothers marriage up. The list goes on.
My dad told me he's ashamed of me because I chose to qualify in a construction trade, instead of doing something ladylike! He takes the piss out of me because I'm not currently working in the trade I qualified in. Said me going to uni is a waste of time, I'll get nowhere. Sneers at me and says horrid comments to me because I'm a single mother. He even slagged me and other single mothers off infront of his work colleagues. He sat by and watched me and my kids become homeless even though his loaded. I asked for a loan not a freebie but was told no. Both parents also beat me and my siblings throughout our entire childhood. Leaving bruises and black eyes. I even remember them beating me with a carpet gripper! Can't remember them hugging us or even hearing the words love you.
I was sexually abused at 10ys old by my dad's cousin though marriage.
I fully agree whenever I hear folk say a rotten childhood can ruin a person adulthood. I don't know how to say I love you and petrified I've ruined my kids lives due to my lack of affection. Even though I've never lifted a finger to hurt them. Also I've given them everything, including going without meals for myself.
So OP, I feel your pain. I really do. I'm so sorry to read what you've been through. Apologies for my long post
That is one brave post ,lady.
Can you see how that patterns repeat? Your parents enabled each other's behaviour. Your sister grew up with them as warped role models and has gone on to repeat their behaviour.
You've chosen friends who are emotionally abusive as to a certain extent their behaviour is familiar and "comfortable" and you feel you aren't worth more.
Listen up. You are worth more. You deserve more.
A rotten childhood can and will affect your adult life, but it doesn't have to ruin it.
First step is talking about it. You are doing that now and well fucking done to you.
Now get yourself some therapy of some sort and strengthen the inner you. You'll benefit and so will your kids.
Big bloody hug of support for you.
"
Thank you. I will do. I need to move away. I can never relax whenever I see my parents. I clock watch on the odd times they visited my home. Why? I just wanted them to leave. I don't want to give them the opportunity to look down on me again. I'm sorry to say, I feel nothing like I ought too towards my parents. I can't relax all the while I'm nearby to them and my so called sister. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To OP...My parents, sister and two ex friends are narcissists.
I cut the two friends completely out of my life. They hated the fact they could no longer treat me in that way. So much so they spread awful disgusting lies about me.
What was just as sad, I lost alot of other friend due to them believing those two! I even covered for those horrid creatures when they cheated on their husbands and also had affairs.
Yet they chose to destroy me because I walked away from them! Utterly unbelievable.
My sister constantly slags me off in any way she can, even infront of my kids! Despite her treating people like crap. She's currently sleeping with her neighbours husband but shhh she doesn't realise I've found out! Yet I'm apparently a slag because I choose to stay single and date instead of rushing into settling down with the first guy I meet . She lives her life on full benefits. Convinced the GP her son's speech impediment is worse then it is just so she can claim carers allowance and disability allowance . She has 4 kids by different dad's and admits she did that on purpose to gain as much money from each dad. She told her ex who got back with her, if they didn't get married he's dumped and couldn't see their kid again. The fool married her! She even tried breaking our brothers marriage up. The list goes on.
My dad told me he's ashamed of me because I chose to qualify in a construction trade, instead of doing something ladylike! He takes the piss out of me because I'm not currently working in the trade I qualified in. Said me going to uni is a waste of time, I'll get nowhere. Sneers at me and says horrid comments to me because I'm a single mother. He even slagged me and other single mothers off infront of his work colleagues. He sat by and watched me and my kids become homeless even though his loaded. I asked for a loan not a freebie but was told no. Both parents also beat me and my siblings throughout our entire childhood. Leaving bruises and black eyes. I even remember them beating me with a carpet gripper! Can't remember them hugging us or even hearing the words love you.
I was sexually abused at 10ys old by my dad's cousin though marriage.
I fully agree whenever I hear folk say a rotten childhood can ruin a person adulthood. I don't know how to say I love you and petrified I've ruined my kids lives due to my lack of affection. Even though I've never lifted a finger to hurt them. Also I've given them everything, including going without meals for myself.
So OP, I feel your pain. I really do. I'm so sorry to read what you've been through. Apologies for my long post
That is one brave post ,lady.
Can you see how that patterns repeat? Your parents enabled each other's behaviour. Your sister grew up with them as warped role models and has gone on to repeat their behaviour.
You've chosen friends who are emotionally abusive as to a certain extent their behaviour is familiar and "comfortable" and you feel you aren't worth more.
Listen up. You are worth more. You deserve more.
A rotten childhood can and will affect your adult life, but it doesn't have to ruin it.
First step is talking about it. You are doing that now and well fucking done to you.
Now get yourself some therapy of some sort and strengthen the inner you. You'll benefit and so will your kids.
Big bloody hug of support for you.
"
Thank you kindly! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To OP...My parents, sister and two ex friends are narcissists.
I cut the two friends completely out of my life. They hated the fact they could no longer treat me in that way. So much so they spread awful disgusting lies about me.
What was just as sad, I lost alot of other friend due to them believing those two! I even covered for those horrid creatures when they cheated on their husbands and also had affairs.
Yet they chose to destroy me because I walked away from them! Utterly unbelievable.
My sister constantly slags me off in any way she can, even infront of my kids! Despite her treating people like crap. She's currently sleeping with her neighbours husband but shhh she doesn't realise I've found out! Yet I'm apparently a slag because I choose to stay single and date instead of rushing into settling down with the first guy I meet . She lives her life on full benefits. Convinced the GP her son's speech impediment is worse then it is just so she can claim carers allowance and disability allowance . She has 4 kids by different dad's and admits she did that on purpose to gain as much money from each dad. She told her ex who got back with her, if they didn't get married he's dumped and couldn't see their kid again. The fool married her! She even tried breaking our brothers marriage up. The list goes on.
My dad told me he's ashamed of me because I chose to qualify in a construction trade, instead of doing something ladylike! He takes the piss out of me because I'm not currently working in the trade I qualified in. Said me going to uni is a waste of time, I'll get nowhere. Sneers at me and says horrid comments to me because I'm a single mother. He even slagged me and other single mothers off infront of his work colleagues. He sat by and watched me and my kids become homeless even though his loaded. I asked for a loan not a freebie but was told no. Both parents also beat me and my siblings throughout our entire childhood. Leaving bruises and black eyes. I even remember them beating me with a carpet gripper! Can't remember them hugging us or even hearing the words love you.
I was sexually abused at 10ys old by my dad's cousin though marriage.
I fully agree whenever I hear folk say a rotten childhood can ruin a person adulthood. I don't know how to say I love you and petrified I've ruined my kids lives due to my lack of affection. Even though I've never lifted a finger to hurt them. Also I've given them everything, including going without meals for myself.
So OP, I feel your pain. I really do. I'm so sorry to read what you've been through. Apologies for my long post
dont need to apologize.
we all are human with our own set of problems and worries.
im sorry this is all happened/happening to you.
i really am. sometimes we forget how lucky some of us are and its only people like yourself who being brave enough to talk about things we then learn hopefully how to treat each other better and not in such a terrible way.
no shame in talking about things. none at all. your must braver than i am.
Thank you. Talking via behind a screen is easier though. I don't speak off everything I've been through. Had all that used against me by so called friends spreading it around to others. So I just stopped talking about it and keep it all inside my head. Most folk think the sun shines out of all those I've mentioned, so I think who would believe me anyway.
After my 16 yr old daughter leaves education, I'm moving away. Far away! If I don't, I feel I'll end up ill!
Just because some people are parents, doesn't mean they deserve to have children. Some are just rotten to the core.
I was in a similar position. I moved away and slowly everything is coming together. It takes time, but life is so much better now.
Big hugs and hope it works out for you! "
I'd move away now. I can't do that to my kids though. I have to wait until my youngest is old enough to make her own mind up whether she wants to stay here or move with me. She's currently 16. So not to long to wait. I've waited so long already. I won't rip my kids away from their life because I need to move away. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"To OP...My parents, sister and two ex friends are narcissists.
I cut the two friends completely out of my life. They hated the fact they could no longer treat me in that way. So much so they spread awful disgusting lies about me.
What was just as sad, I lost alot of other friend due to them believing those two! I even covered for those horrid creatures when they cheated on their husbands and also had affairs.
Yet they chose to destroy me because I walked away from them! Utterly unbelievable.
My sister constantly slags me off in any way she can, even infront of my kids! Despite her treating people like crap. She's currently sleeping with her neighbours husband but shhh she doesn't realise I've found out! Yet I'm apparently a slag because I choose to stay single and date instead of rushing into settling down with the first guy I meet . She lives her life on full benefits. Convinced the GP her son's speech impediment is worse then it is just so she can claim carers allowance and disability allowance . She has 4 kids by different dad's and admits she did that on purpose to gain as much money from each dad. She told her ex who got back with her, if they didn't get married he's dumped and couldn't see their kid again. The fool married her! She even tried breaking our brothers marriage up. The list goes on.
My dad told me he's ashamed of me because I chose to qualify in a construction trade, instead of doing something ladylike! He takes the piss out of me because I'm not currently working in the trade I qualified in. Said me going to uni is a waste of time, I'll get nowhere. Sneers at me and says horrid comments to me because I'm a single mother. He even slagged me and other single mothers off infront of his work colleagues. He sat by and watched me and my kids become homeless even though his loaded. I asked for a loan not a freebie but was told no. Both parents also beat me and my siblings throughout our entire childhood. Leaving bruises and black eyes. I even remember them beating me with a carpet gripper! Can't remember them hugging us or even hearing the words love you.
I was sexually abused at 10ys old by my dad's cousin though marriage.
I fully agree whenever I hear folk say a rotten childhood can ruin a person adulthood. I don't know how to say I love you and petrified I've ruined my kids lives due to my lack of affection. Even though I've never lifted a finger to hurt them. Also I've given them everything, including going without meals for myself.
So OP, I feel your pain. I really do. I'm so sorry to read what you've been through. Apologies for my long post
dont need to apologize.
we all are human with our own set of problems and worries.
im sorry this is all happened/happening to you.
i really am. sometimes we forget how lucky some of us are and its only people like yourself who being brave enough to talk about things we then learn hopefully how to treat each other better and not in such a terrible way.
no shame in talking about things. none at all. your must braver than i am.
Thank you. Talking via behind a screen is easier though. I don't speak off everything I've been through. Had all that used against me by so called friends spreading it around to others. So I just stopped talking about it and keep it all inside my head. Most folk think the sun shines out of all those I've mentioned, so I think who would believe me anyway.
After my 16 yr old daughter leaves education, I'm moving away. Far away! If I don't, I feel I'll end up ill!
Just because some people are parents, doesn't mean they deserve to have children. Some are just rotten to the core.
I was in a similar position. I moved away and slowly everything is coming together. It takes time, but life is so much better now.
Big hugs and hope it works out for you!
I'd move away now. I can't do that to my kids though. I have to wait until my youngest is old enough to make her own mind up whether she wants to stay here or move with me. She's currently 16. So not to long to wait. I've waited so long already. I won't rip my kids away from their life because I need to move away."
I don't blame you!. I was fortunate that my child had just started at university and I had no ties to where I was. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
i hope tonight in posting has helped in some small way.
of course we dont know the full ins and outs of what goes on in someones life and can never truly understand what you are going through.
i ask that whatever happens you look after yourselves and remember some nice people here are always available to chat too.
good luck everyone |
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The only differenece beween a narcissist and a sociopath is a narcissist isn't self aware of what they are. A sociopath is well aware and enjoys it.
Been brought up by a narcissist myself and had a relationship with a sociopath.
Fucked both off over 20 years ago and life got better for it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Im unsure about my mum, she is a bizarre creature. I'm not sure she's a narcissist but I couldn't do a thing right, or good enough. I did however end up with a narcissistic partner and in an abusive relationship for 11 years. I hear ya!
Comes to a point where you don't even know who you are anymore or how you ended up existing such a worthless life.
Then ya snap.
You realise your existence is worthless in comparison to the life you could be living. Without the toxicity, without the venom and without the lies about how useless you are.
It takes time but you can rise like a phoenix from the flames, become the old you, except this version of you won't take any shit coz now you know the signals.
Once you find that fire in your belly again the freedom is unreal. They might break ya, but it's only temporary and eventually you come back (albeit a little scarred in places - those wounds can be stitched though, make no mistake)"
I love this. The fire has always been there but the enablers and maybe subconciiusly myself i throw water on it |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Anyone have a narcissit as a partner or family member?
I grew up with a narcassistic mother (who im with on holiday now ) and my father enabled her which made her worse and he even started using her techniques.
The comparing to others, never being good enough and something ive heard of but only recently learned about.. gaslighting. It were you remember something but then are told you are wrong or it didnt happen and then you begin to question your own sanity.
Im just doing this post as today i decided im not going to tolerate the abuse anymore. I had a run in yesterday when my mum was telling me i should be doing this or that and she was picking me apart. She started with her usual my life is hard and im poor (even though she is on 100k basic and im unemployed.. i kid you not). She looks for attention constantly.. even bad attention.
I told her she has no class and by her saying infront of me and others here in our group who actually arent very well off its like saying to an african child.. im starving. She just refuses to see my point of view.
She used to walk around nude infront of me growing up and still does now infront of my brother who is nearly 18. I think this is like a power thing, like trying to dominate us. I said to her if my dad walked around nude infront of my sister he would be put on the sex offenders register.
Im going off on one here a bit but i wanted to share this as i wanted to know if its a common thing? And to let people know there is a way out and you dont have to put up with the bullshit.
I really do believe that skilled narcissits can identify vulnerable people and take them under their wing and they become like a possession or a pet. They just drop you when they dont need you.
Dont be a victim of this just because you want to be loved. Everyone deserves to be loved and with love it should be unconditional not a relationship were you need to jump through hoops to get affection.
I know this is quite deep but fuck it.. hopefully by sharing it can help someone and ive removed all message fllters if anyone wants to message me as they dont want to reply here.
Be yourself. Aslong as you like you.. fuck everyone else.
As Ali G would say... keep it real.
P.s. well done if you read all that haha
Don't know about narcissum but it could be a personality disorder.
If you have a strained relationship with your mother, why would you go on holiday with her? Have you not learned strategies to cope? My strategy is to stay away from those who want to bring me down and not raise me up (parents, yeah who needs them...) "
She wasnt originally coming but always adds on at the last minute. Its a group of 8 of us... yeah.. i feel like the parent. Currently got my pregnant sister living with me aswell. I feel like her mum and dad at times |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
Can I ask a question...to the people who are in relationships with narsassists whether it be partner or family or friends. Do you think you attract that type of person. Not the first time but after being surrounded by them x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Can I ask a question...to the people who are in relationships with narsassists whether it be partner or family or friends. Do you think you attract that type of person. Not the first time but after being surrounded by them x"
I wouldn't discount it. It is definitely a possibility that certain personalities end up drawing narcissists close in interest more. |
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"Can I ask a question...to the people who are in relationships with narsassists whether it be partner or family or friends. Do you think you attract that type of person. Not the first time but after being surrounded by them x"
Yes. But everyone attracts them, they see themselves as popular (and want to be seen like that, they're good at being fake nice also for short periods of time) and they see others as a means to an end, so the more people they can use the better.
They only stay around for people who don't get that they are sociopaths with no empathy for others, those who want to 'help' them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Can I ask a question...to the people who are in relationships with narsassists whether it be partner or family or friends. Do you think you attract that type of person. Not the first time but after being surrounded by them x
Yes. But everyone attracts them, they see themselves as popular (and want to be seen like that, they're good at being fake nice also for short periods of time) and they see others as a means to an end, so the more people they can use the better.
They only stay around for people who don't get that they are sociopaths with no empathy for others, those who want to 'help' them. "
So it's kinda like a vicious circle then x |
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"Can I ask a question...to the people who are in relationships with narsassists whether it be partner or family or friends. Do you think you attract that type of person. Not the first time but after being surrounded by them x
Yes. But everyone attracts them, they see themselves as popular (and want to be seen like that, they're good at being fake nice also for short periods of time) and they see others as a means to an end, so the more people they can use the better.
They only stay around for people who don't get that they are sociopaths with no empathy for others, those who want to 'help' them.
So it's kinda like a vicious circle then x"
More that narcissists/socipaths know what they are doing. They won't wase time on people who are not of benefit to themselves.
Then of course you get stupid ideaologies where we've been brought up to think love and caring will fix someone troubled, but it won't fix those who don't care and enjoy using you. |
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"Can I ask a question...to the people who are in relationships with narsassists whether it be partner or family or friends. Do you think you attract that type of person. Not the first time but after being surrounded by them x"
People tend to be attracted to what they are familiar with so yes I'd say you find them "attractive" as they mirror your normality. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Can I ask a question...to the people who are in relationships with narsassists whether it be partner or family or friends. Do you think you attract that type of person. Not the first time but after being surrounded by them x
Yes. But everyone attracts them, they see themselves as popular (and want to be seen like that, they're good at being fake nice also for short periods of time) and they see others as a means to an end, so the more people they can use the better.
They only stay around for people who don't get that they are sociopaths with no empathy for others, those who want to 'help' them.
So it's kinda like a vicious circle then x
More that narcissists/socipaths know what they are doing. They won't wase time on people who are not of benefit to themselves.
Then of course you get stupid ideaologies where we've been brought up to think love and caring will fix someone troubled, but it won't fix those who don't care and enjoy using you."
Hard habit to break if at all. I really feel for these people on this thread. From what I take from it all they are only in their circumstances due to their good natures. Best of luck to you all x |
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"Can I ask a question...to the people who are in relationships with narsassists whether it be partner or family or friends. Do you think you attract that type of person. Not the first time but after being surrounded by them x
Yes. But everyone attracts them, they see themselves as popular (and want to be seen like that, they're good at being fake nice also for short periods of time) and they see others as a means to an end, so the more people they can use the better.
They only stay around for people who don't get that they are sociopaths with no empathy for others, those who want to 'help' them.
So it's kinda like a vicious circle then x
More that narcissists/socipaths know what they are doing. They won't wase time on people who are not of benefit to themselves.
Then of course you get stupid ideaologies where we've been brought up to think love and caring will fix someone troubled, but it won't fix those who don't care and enjoy using you.
Hard habit to break if at all. I really feel for these people on this thread. From what I take from it all they are only in their circumstances due to their good natures. Best of luck to you all x"
Exactly. Kind and good natured people being taken advanage of. It's horrible to discover what people really are, i'm quite hard faced now and not so kind.
Of course if you're born to one then you have no choice in staying wih them also. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I'd class myself as a nice person. Probably with a bit of saviour complex thrown in but hey, that's the optimistic part of me that doesn't want to just give up on people or judge them badly before I get to know them or help them if they seek it from me.
But just because I'm nice doesn't make me a doormat. If I get wind that I'm being played like a fiddle or seen like a useful idiot then that's it, I'm gone. I have no time for games with such people, and I find narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths extremely disgusting human beings who represent the worst that humanity has to offer. Once in a while someone gets under my skin, and I end up giving rare second or third chances. But I've never had to stretch it to a fourth, and I won't stick around for people who refuse to save themselves or help themselves, revelling in perennial victimhood or using it as a convenient excuse for bad behaviour and decisions on their part. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Can I ask a question...to the people who are in relationships with narsassists whether it be partner or family or friends. Do you think you attract that type of person. Not the first time but after being surrounded by them x
Yes. But everyone attracts them, they see themselves as popular (and want to be seen like that, they're good at being fake nice also for short periods of time) and they see others as a means to an end, so the more people they can use the better.
They only stay around for people who don't get that they are sociopaths with no empathy for others, those who want to 'help' them.
So it's kinda like a vicious circle then x
More that narcissists/socipaths know what they are doing. They won't wase time on people who are not of benefit to themselves.
Then of course you get stupid ideaologies where we've been brought up to think love and caring will fix someone troubled, but it won't fix those who don't care and enjoy using you.
Hard habit to break if at all. I really feel for these people on this thread. From what I take from it all they are only in their circumstances due to their good natures. Best of luck to you all x
Exactly. Kind and good natured people being taken advanage of. It's horrible to discover what people really are, i'm quite hard faced now and not so kind.
Of course if you're born to one then you have no choice in staying wih them also."
Yes I bet it would make you immune to a lot of other stuff. So interesting x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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I honestly think people dont look for narcissist partners but they can sort of sniff it out like a dog can smell fear. Maybe not sniff it out but pick things up from body language etc and they look for vulnerable people. My sister every boyfriend she has had has beat her and one was sent down for attempted murder... and she got back with him. Hes gone now but because we put up with it from our parents its easy to think everyone fights when the narcissist makes you think its normal |
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"I'd class myself as a nice person. Probably with a bit of saviour complex thrown in but hey, that's the optimistic part of me that doesn't want to just give up on people or judge them badly before I get to know them or help them if they seek it from me.
But just because I'm nice doesn't make me a doormat. If I get wind that I'm being played like a fiddle or seen like a useful idiot then that's it, I'm gone. I have no time for games with such people, and I find narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths extremely disgusting human beings who represent the worst that humanity has to offer. Once in a while someone gets under my skin, and I end up giving rare second or third chances. But I've never had to stretch it to a fourth, and I won't stick around for people who refuse to save themselves or help themselves, revelling in perennial victimhood or using it as a convenient excuse for bad behaviour and decisions on their part. "
And well done to you for having firm boundaries.
But other people with different boundaries might ask why you feel you need to give "rare" second or third chances.
It's all relative. And some people find it easier to berate the abused rather than abusers.
I find that sad.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
But other people with different boundaries might ask why you feel you need to give "rare" second or third chances.
"
One word. Love.
Case in point: my latest ex. Well shot of her. But I'm still dealing with the trauma of the horrendous breakup nonetheless whilst for all intentions and purposes she's acting like she got away scot free.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
But other people with different boundaries might ask why you feel you need to give "rare" second or third chances.
One word. Love.
Case in point: my latest ex. Well shot of her. But I'm still dealing with the trauma of the horrendous breakup nonetheless whilst for all intentions and purposes she's acting like she got away scot free.
"
How differently do you think you'll treat your next relationship if at all (Don't have to answer btw) x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
How differently do you think you'll treat your next relationship if at all (Don't have to answer btw) x"
I'd probably be a lot less forgiving of red flags and a lot less tolerant of any signs of codependency developing. Probably also take things a lot slower, and I'd be less inclined to push my own boundaries or change my persona just to suit my partner's taste (even if it's just in bed).
But to be honest with you, I'm not exactly thinking about my next relationship at the current time, because unlike my ex I won't simply jump right into another one as a rebound just to try and plaster over stuff. I'd like to think I'm better than my ex because I choose now to go through the grief and anger and hurt from her cheating and our breakup instead of trying to whitewash or deny everything away with the fake facade of a rebound relationship.
I pulled someone last night entirely by accident. Turns out she also had a broken heart from her breakup two days before we met. Had a good night together, she's asking me to be friends with benefits now after last night's activities, and we've both been absolutely clear that we're not looking to date at the current time.
So I guess in that regard, I'm content. Just sex and friends, no fuss no muss. Wish I could find more of such experiences on Fab. But in my years on here with my personal experience, I've learnt it's wishful thinking so I don't really hold much hope for it. But I digress.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
How differently do you think you'll treat your next relationship if at all (Don't have to answer btw) x
I'd probably be a lot less forgiving of red flags and a lot less tolerant of any signs of codependency developing. Probably also take things a lot slower, and I'd be less inclined to push my own boundaries or change my persona just to suit my partner's taste (even if it's just in bed).
But to be honest with you, I'm not exactly thinking about my next relationship at the current time, because unlike my ex I won't simply jump right into another one as a rebound just to try and plaster over stuff. I'd like to think I'm better than my ex because I choose now to go through the grief and anger and hurt from her cheating and our breakup instead of trying to whitewash or deny everything away with the fake facade of a rebound relationship.
I pulled someone last night entirely by accident. Turns out she also had a broken heart from her breakup two days before we met. Had a good night together, she's asking me to be friends with benefits now after last night's activities, and we've both been absolutely clear that we're not looking to date at the current time.
So I guess in that regard, I'm content. Just sex and friends, no fuss no muss. Wish I could find more of such experiences on Fab. But in my years on here with my personal experience, I've learnt it's wishful thinking so I don't really hold much hope for it. But I digress.
"
I'm glad to hear that. Don't put too many walls up tho. It'll stop some sun getting through lol and keep the past in the past. Best of luck to you x
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" mirror your normality."
Good phrase. We set up our childhood patterns in all kinds of subconscious ways.
Narcs will also seek out empaths, they instinctively know they need a giver because all they know how to do is take.
I always say it but to anyone dealing with the aftermath of narcissistic abuse I recommend the book:
Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity by Marie-France Hirigoyen |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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" mirror your normality.
Good phrase. We set up our childhood patterns in all kinds of subconscious ways.
Narcs will also seek out empaths, they instinctively know they need a giver because all they know how to do is take.
I always say it but to anyone dealing with the aftermath of narcissistic abuse I recommend the book:
Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity by Marie-France Hirigoyen "
What is the book about/ for? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was married to one. They seek you out, manipulate you and wear you down until you believe everything they tell you about yourself. I don’t believe that people are attracted to that type of person, because they never present as their ‘real’ selves until they’ve got you well and truly where they want you. |
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" mirror your normality.
Good phrase. We set up our childhood patterns in all kinds of subconscious ways.
Narcs will also seek out empaths, they instinctively know they need a giver because all they know how to do is take.
I always say it but to anyone dealing with the aftermath of narcissistic abuse I recommend the book:
Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity by Marie-France Hirigoyen "
Noted x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was married to one. They seek you out, manipulate you and wear you down until you believe everything they tell you about yourself. I don’t believe that people are attracted to that type of person, because they never present as their ‘real’ selves until they’ve got you well and truly where they want you."
Exactly! Really bothers me when folk say we attract abusers / narcissist.
How on earth can anyone tell a person is a abuser and or narcissist? Unfortunately those sorts do not go around wearing labels .
A narcissist can be anyone. They walk around acting like everyones best friend. They act like kind decent people. Even whilst dating them or at the beginning of your friendship with them, they act so kind and charming.
Not just towards you but towards your family, kids and friends too. They know how to reel everyone around them in! .
By time you've found out their true colours, it's too late. You've taken to them, fallen for them, trust them and that's when they start revealing their true selfs. |
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" mirror your normality.
Good phrase. We set up our childhood patterns in all kinds of subconscious ways.
Narcs will also seek out empaths, they instinctively know they need a giver because all they know how to do is take.
I always say it but to anyone dealing with the aftermath of narcissistic abuse I recommend the book:
Stalking the Soul: Emotional Abuse and the Erosion of Identity by Marie-France Hirigoyen
What is the book about/ for?"
It's about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the damage it causes the 'source' person the narc chooses to suck the life out of. |
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"I was married to one. They seek you out, manipulate you and wear you down until you believe everything they tell you about yourself. I don’t believe that people are attracted to that type of person, because they never present as their ‘real’ selves until they’ve got you well and truly where they want you.
Exactly! Really bothers me when folk say we attract abusers / narcissist.
How on earth can anyone tell a person is a abuser and or narcissist? Unfortunately those sorts do not go around wearing labels .
A narcissist can be anyone. They walk around acting like everyones best friend. They act like kind decent people. Even whilst dating them or at the beginning of your friendship with them, they act so kind and charming.
Not just towards you but towards your family, kids and friends too. They know how to reel everyone around them in! .
By time you've found out their true colours, it's too late. You've taken to them, fallen for them, trust them and that's when they start revealing their true selfs."
Yup, it's like the frog being boiled alive - put him in cool water to start with and he never even notices it happening. No-one is attracted to an overtly abusive person - they appear like a caring Prince Charming when you first meet them.
About the only thing you could say is if someone appears too good to be true, they may well be a narcissist! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was married to one. They seek you out, manipulate you and wear you down until you believe everything they tell you about yourself. I don’t believe that people are attracted to that type of person, because they never present as their ‘real’ selves until they’ve got you well and truly where they want you.
Exactly! Really bothers me when folk say we attract abusers / narcissist.
How on earth can anyone tell a person is a abuser and or narcissist? Unfortunately those sorts do not go around wearing labels .
A narcissist can be anyone. They walk around acting like everyones best friend. They act like kind decent people. Even whilst dating them or at the beginning of your friendship with them, they act so kind and charming.
Not just towards you but towards your family, kids and friends too. They know how to reel everyone around them in! .
By time you've found out their true colours, it's too late. You've taken to them, fallen for them, trust them and that's when they start revealing their true selfs."
Very true, I never saw myself as the type of person to put up with domestic abuse, yet I did for too many years. My kids and I paid a heavy price for my pride x |
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"I was married to one. They seek you out, manipulate you and wear you down until you believe everything they tell you about yourself. I don’t believe that people are attracted to that type of person, because they never present as their ‘real’ selves until they’ve got you well and truly where they want you.
Exactly! Really bothers me when folk say we attract abusers / narcissist.
How on earth can anyone tell a person is a abuser and or narcissist? Unfortunately those sorts do not go around wearing labels .
A narcissist can be anyone. They walk around acting like everyones best friend. They act like kind decent people. Even whilst dating them or at the beginning of your friendship with them, they act so kind and charming.
Not just towards you but towards your family, kids and friends too. They know how to reel everyone around them in! .
By time you've found out their true colours, it's too late. You've taken to them, fallen for them, trust them and that's when they start revealing their true selfs."
Yep.
When I told my mother that I was divorcing my first husband she said in a shocked voice "but he's so charming!" |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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There was a few messages i didnt respond to in the post so apologies but other people have offered their feedback so i hope everyone who had questions got answers if not from me then someone else.
A lady in this post called _rincess peach when i read her profile it sparked a thought.. narcissits have the same personality traits.. do victims share the same ones aswell? She mentions being emotionally retarded and laughing and crying at the wrong things i can really relate to this. I laugh when someone falls and when i watch a film that isnt even sad im a wreck.
I also fall in love really easy. Not sure if this is just me or this is a trait. As we crave love so much we fall for others. I have over the top emotions basically. The only one i can keep a lid on is my anger but i think by doing this im harming myself by bottling things. Ive read that emotional neglect and childhood trauma can cause physical conditions which i have. Its not recognised by doctors but the theory is that youve been in a prolonged state of severe stress and your brain is like wtf is going on here. So it looks for something to attach itself to. Then the doctors are quite happy to have you as a punter and make commision from the drugs they prescribe you.
One of the most painful things with my mum is that she has never acknowledged that i have a medical condition and her background is she started as a nurse and worked her way up into management. She has lots of contacts like physios etc. And if we had a good relationship id never got to where im at now.
Im all or nothing type of person aswell.. is that a trait of ours? I quit too easily but not sure if i have adhd.
I get like crippling lonliness aswell. Id never take my own life but sometimes i wonder.. do other people get this down?
A friend of mine said i might be a high functioning depressive. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"There was a few messages i didnt respond to in the post so apologies but other people have offered their feedback so i hope everyone who had questions got answers if not from me then someone else.
A lady in this post called _rincess peach when i read her profile it sparked a thought.. narcissits have the same personality traits.. do victims share the same ones aswell? She mentions being emotionally retarded and laughing and crying at the wrong things i can really relate to this. I laugh when someone falls and when i watch a film that isnt even sad im a wreck.
I also fall in love really easy. Not sure if this is just me or this is a trait. As we crave love so much we fall for others. I have over the top emotions basically. The only one i can keep a lid on is my anger but i think by doing this im harming myself by bottling things. Ive read that emotional neglect and childhood trauma can cause physical conditions which i have. Its not recognised by doctors but the theory is that youve been in a prolonged state of severe stress and your brain is like wtf is going on here. So it looks for something to attach itself to. Then the doctors are quite happy to have you as a punter and make commision from the drugs they prescribe you.
One of the most painful things with my mum is that she has never acknowledged that i have a medical condition and her background is she started as a nurse and worked her way up into management. She has lots of contacts like physios etc. And if we had a good relationship id never got to where im at now.
Im all or nothing type of person aswell.. is that a trait of ours? I quit too easily but not sure if i have adhd.
I get like crippling lonliness aswell. Id never take my own life but sometimes i wonder.. do other people get this down?
A friend of mine said i might be a high functioning depressive."
It's not an unaccepted theory that psychological trauma manifests physically.
Also, your mother doesn't need to acknowledge your condition for it to be valid. Think of it as a bonus if she ever does. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"There was a few messages i didnt respond to in the post so apologies but other people have offered their feedback so i hope everyone who had questions got answers if not from me then someone else.
A lady in this post called _rincess peach when i read her profile it sparked a thought.. narcissits have the same personality traits.. do victims share the same ones aswell? She mentions being emotionally retarded and laughing and crying at the wrong things i can really relate to this. I laugh when someone falls and when i watch a film that isnt even sad im a wreck.
I also fall in love really easy. Not sure if this is just me or this is a trait. As we crave love so much we fall for others. I have over the top emotions basically. The only one i can keep a lid on is my anger but i think by doing this im harming myself by bottling things. Ive read that emotional neglect and childhood trauma can cause physical conditions which i have. Its not recognised by doctors but the theory is that youve been in a prolonged state of severe stress and your brain is like wtf is going on here. So it looks for something to attach itself to. Then the doctors are quite happy to have you as a punter and make commision from the drugs they prescribe you.
One of the most painful things with my mum is that she has never acknowledged that i have a medical condition and her background is she started as a nurse and worked her way up into management. She has lots of contacts like physios etc. And if we had a good relationship id never got to where im at now.
Im all or nothing type of person aswell.. is that a trait of ours? I quit too easily but not sure if i have adhd.
I get like crippling lonliness aswell. Id never take my own life but sometimes i wonder.. do other people get this down?
A friend of mine said i might be a high functioning depressive.
It's not an unaccepted theory that psychological trauma manifests physically.
Also, your mother doesn't need to acknowledge your condition for it to be valid. Think of it as a bonus if she ever does. "
Its not a mainstream view i mean. Ive mentioned it to doctors but theyre too narrow minded.
I dont think shed give me any acknowlegement if my head fell off.
I just need to find a way of channelling the sadness her relationship brings me. I think love is the answer but i need to give it someone who deserves and appreciates it maybe then that will help me find my balance.. im a libra so im always trying to balance things out |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Fb meme:
"Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth.""
Respectfully disagree. When you find that you never seem to meet people who would see your worth and treat you as such, no amount of self love or self esteem or self confidence is going to cover up that growing insecurity and depression inside.
I should know. I struggle with this all the time. Part of me feels that's a legacy of me starting swinging far too young as a single guy, and having it drummed into my head that in order to be successful at swinging one must sell oneself and accept any value or attention that other women or couples give you since you're in an oversaturated market anyway. As a single male swinger, and a foreign one at that here in this country, I constantly feel that the only reason people are interested in me would be because I'm exotic and nothing more. That because I'd just be a convenient extra partner to make up the numbers in a gangbang or a threesome. I've tried to look for my own swinging partner or couples on here on my own terms but it's never worked out. Just constantly feel that even at socials there's always that final 5% that I lack in desirability for anyone to want to convert a social with me into a play meet, unless they've explicitly got something to totally gain from me.
I don't think I've ever known what a true happy stable relationship is like outside of Fab and swinging. Even if I did I've never ever held one down for more than a year. To be entirely honest my self confidence isn't as high as my public extroverted side makes it to be. And over the years things just keep happening to hammer it down more and more until I genuinely no longer know what I'm worth anymore, and feel that even if I did, nobody's gonna see me in that way and treat me accordingly. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"There was a few messages i didnt respond to in the post so apologies but other people have offered their feedback so i hope everyone who had questions got answers if not from me then someone else.
A lady in this post called _rincess peach when i read her profile it sparked a thought.. narcissits have the same personality traits.. do victims share the same ones aswell? She mentions being emotionally retarded and laughing and crying at the wrong things i can really relate to this. I laugh when someone falls and when i watch a film that isnt even sad im a wreck.
I also fall in love really easy. Not sure if this is just me or this is a trait. As we crave love so much we fall for others. I have over the top emotions basically. The only one i can keep a lid on is my anger but i think by doing this im harming myself by bottling things. Ive read that emotional neglect and childhood trauma can cause physical conditions which i have. Its not recognised by doctors but the theory is that youve been in a prolonged state of severe stress and your brain is like wtf is going on here. So it looks for something to attach itself to. Then the doctors are quite happy to have you as a punter and make commision from the drugs they prescribe you.
One of the most painful things with my mum is that she has never acknowledged that i have a medical condition and her background is she started as a nurse and worked her way up into management. She has lots of contacts like physios etc. And if we had a good relationship id never got to where im at now.
Im all or nothing type of person aswell.. is that a trait of ours? I quit too easily but not sure if i have adhd.
I get like crippling lonliness aswell. Id never take my own life but sometimes i wonder.. do other people get this down?
A friend of mine said i might be a high functioning depressive.
It's not an unaccepted theory that psychological trauma manifests physically.
Also, your mother doesn't need to acknowledge your condition for it to be valid. Think of it as a bonus if she ever does.
Its not a mainstream view i mean. Ive mentioned it to doctors but theyre too narrow minded.
I dont think shed give me any acknowlegement if my head fell off.
I just need to find a way of channelling the sadness her relationship brings me. I think love is the answer but i need to give it someone who deserves and appreciates it maybe then that will help me find my balance.. im a libra so im always trying to balance things out"
It is mainstream view. Sadly some GPS aren't well versed in childhood trauma resulting in psychological issues. However, the good news is, some are. Change your GP.
As for love, I know how you feel but sadly that may result in a co-dependent relationship... Within it you may become severely analytical. Learn to love you and learn you don't need anyone else to make you whole. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Fb meme:
"Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth."
Respectfully disagree. When you find that you never seem to meet people who would see your worth and treat you as such, no amount of self love or self esteem or self confidence is going to cover up that growing insecurity and depression inside.
I should know. I struggle with this all the time. Part of me feels that's a legacy of me starting swinging far too young as a single guy, and having it drummed into my head that in order to be successful at swinging one must sell oneself and accept any value or attention that other women or couples give you since you're in an oversaturated market anyway. As a single male swinger, and a foreign one at that here in this country, I constantly feel that the only reason people are interested in me would be because I'm exotic and nothing more. That because I'd just be a convenient extra partner to make up the numbers in a gangbang or a threesome. I've tried to look for my own swinging partner or couples on here on my own terms but it's never worked out. Just constantly feel that even at socials there's always that final 5% that I lack in desirability for anyone to want to convert a social with me into a play meet, unless they've explicitly got something to totally gain from me.
I don't think I've ever known what a true happy stable relationship is like outside of Fab and swinging. Even if I did I've never ever held one down for more than a year. To be entirely honest my self confidence isn't as high as my public extroverted side makes it to be. And over the years things just keep happening to hammer it down more and more until I genuinely no longer know what I'm worth anymore, and feel that even if I did, nobody's gonna see me in that way and treat me accordingly. "
Again I can relate.
Don't use fab as a yardstick to measure your worth as swinging is pretty superficial.
Alternatively, compartmentalise:your worth as a swinger for couples is an exciting bonus to their relationship and may have a tremendous worth to them or no more than a toy... That's absolutely fine as it holds no judgement against you.
Your worth as an employee is measured by you continue to be employed, or promoted and hence no judgement against.
Your worth as a person, a neighbour, a friend etc should be likewise compartmentalised. That way your self-esteem should only drop within a compartment or two - not your entire being. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"There was a few messages i didnt respond to in the post so apologies but other people have offered their feedback so i hope everyone who had questions got answers if not from me then someone else.
A lady in this post called _rincess peach when i read her profile it sparked a thought.. narcissits have the same personality traits.. do victims share the same ones aswell? She mentions being emotionally retarded and laughing and crying at the wrong things i can really relate to this. I laugh when someone falls and when i watch a film that isnt even sad im a wreck.
I also fall in love really easy. Not sure if this is just me or this is a trait. As we crave love so much we fall for others. I have over the top emotions basically. The only one i can keep a lid on is my anger but i think by doing this im harming myself by bottling things. Ive read that emotional neglect and childhood trauma can cause physical conditions which i have. Its not recognised by doctors but the theory is that youve been in a prolonged state of severe stress and your brain is like wtf is going on here. So it looks for something to attach itself to. Then the doctors are quite happy to have you as a punter and make commision from the drugs they prescribe you.
One of the most painful things with my mum is that she has never acknowledged that i have a medical condition and her background is she started as a nurse and worked her way up into management. She has lots of contacts like physios etc. And if we had a good relationship id never got to where im at now.
Im all or nothing type of person aswell.. is that a trait of ours? I quit too easily but not sure if i have adhd.
I get like crippling lonliness aswell. Id never take my own life but sometimes i wonder.. do other people get this down?
A friend of mine said i might be a high functioning depressive.
It's not an unaccepted theory that psychological trauma manifests physically.
Also, your mother doesn't need to acknowledge your condition for it to be valid. Think of it as a bonus if she ever does.
Its not a mainstream view i mean. Ive mentioned it to doctors but theyre too narrow minded.
I dont think shed give me any acknowlegement if my head fell off.
I just need to find a way of channelling the sadness her relationship brings me. I think love is the answer but i need to give it someone who deserves and appreciates it maybe then that will help me find my balance.. im a libra so im always trying to balance things out
It is mainstream view. Sadly some GPS aren't well versed in childhood trauma resulting in psychological issues. However, the good news is, some are. Change your GP.
As for love, I know how you feel but sadly that may result in a co-dependent relationship... Within it you may become severely analytical. Learn to love you and learn you don't need anyone else to make you whole. "
Great advice.
Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all as whitney said.
Theres my macho image gone quoting whitney haha |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Fb meme:
"Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth."
Respectfully disagree. When you find that you never seem to meet people who would see your worth and treat you as such, no amount of self love or self esteem or self confidence is going to cover up that growing insecurity and depression inside.
I should know. I struggle with this all the time. Part of me feels that's a legacy of me starting swinging far too young as a single guy, and having it drummed into my head that in order to be successful at swinging one must sell oneself and accept any value or attention that other women or couples give you since you're in an oversaturated market anyway. As a single male swinger, and a foreign one at that here in this country, I constantly feel that the only reason people are interested in me would be because I'm exotic and nothing more. That because I'd just be a convenient extra partner to make up the numbers in a gangbang or a threesome. I've tried to look for my own swinging partner or couples on here on my own terms but it's never worked out. Just constantly feel that even at socials there's always that final 5% that I lack in desirability for anyone to want to convert a social with me into a play meet, unless they've explicitly got something to totally gain from me.
I don't think I've ever known what a true happy stable relationship is like outside of Fab and swinging. Even if I did I've never ever held one down for more than a year. To be entirely honest my self confidence isn't as high as my public extroverted side makes it to be. And over the years things just keep happening to hammer it down more and more until I genuinely no longer know what I'm worth anymore, and feel that even if I did, nobody's gonna see me in that way and treat me accordingly.
Again I can relate.
Don't use fab as a yardstick to measure your worth as swinging is pretty superficial.
Alternatively, compartmentalise:your worth as a swinger for couples is an exciting bonus to their relationship and may have a tremendous worth to them or no more than a toy... That's absolutely fine as it holds no judgement against you.
Your worth as an employee is measured by you continue to be employed, or promoted and hence no judgement against.
Your worth as a person, a neighbour, a friend etc should be likewise compartmentalised. That way your self-esteem should only drop within a compartment or two - not your entire being. "
I really like this, thank you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Fb meme:
"Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth."
Respectfully disagree. When you find that you never seem to meet people who would see your worth and treat you as such, no amount of self love or self esteem or self confidence is going to cover up that growing insecurity and depression inside.
I should know. I struggle with this all the time. Part of me feels that's a legacy of me starting swinging far too young as a single guy, and having it drummed into my head that in order to be successful at swinging one must sell oneself and accept any value or attention that other women or couples give you since you're in an oversaturated market anyway. As a single male swinger, and a foreign one at that here in this country, I constantly feel that the only reason people are interested in me would be because I'm exotic and nothing more. That because I'd just be a convenient extra partner to make up the numbers in a gangbang or a threesome. I've tried to look for my own swinging partner or couples on here on my own terms but it's never worked out. Just constantly feel that even at socials there's always that final 5% that I lack in desirability for anyone to want to convert a social with me into a play meet, unless they've explicitly got something to totally gain from me.
I don't think I've ever known what a true happy stable relationship is like outside of Fab and swinging. Even if I did I've never ever held one down for more than a year. To be entirely honest my self confidence isn't as high as my public extroverted side makes it to be. And over the years things just keep happening to hammer it down more and more until I genuinely no longer know what I'm worth anymore, and feel that even if I did, nobody's gonna see me in that way and treat me accordingly.
Again I can relate.
Don't use fab as a yardstick to measure your worth as swinging is pretty superficial.
Alternatively, compartmentalise:your worth as a swinger for couples is an exciting bonus to their relationship and may have a tremendous worth to them or no more than a toy... That's absolutely fine as it holds no judgement against you.
Your worth as an employee is measured by you continue to be employed, or promoted and hence no judgement against.
Your worth as a person, a neighbour, a friend etc should be likewise compartmentalised. That way your self-esteem should only drop within a compartment or two - not your entire being.
I really like this, thank you. "
I'm a deep thinker  , besides it keeps me grounded when my self-esteem takes a bashing and I have to seek out the compartments where I am worthy as opposed to those that make me feel overwhelmed with worthlessness. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Fb meme:
"Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth."
Respectfully disagree. When you find that you never seem to meet people who would see your worth and treat you as such, no amount of self love or self esteem or self confidence is going to cover up that growing insecurity and depression inside.
I should know. I struggle with this all the time. Part of me feels that's a legacy of me starting swinging far too young as a single guy, and having it drummed into my head that in order to be successful at swinging one must sell oneself and accept any value or attention that other women or couples give you since you're in an oversaturated market anyway. As a single male swinger, and a foreign one at that here in this country, I constantly feel that the only reason people are interested in me would be because I'm exotic and nothing more. That because I'd just be a convenient extra partner to make up the numbers in a gangbang or a threesome. I've tried to look for my own swinging partner or couples on here on my own terms but it's never worked out. Just constantly feel that even at socials there's always that final 5% that I lack in desirability for anyone to want to convert a social with me into a play meet, unless they've explicitly got something to totally gain from me.
I don't think I've ever known what a true happy stable relationship is like outside of Fab and swinging. Even if I did I've never ever held one down for more than a year. To be entirely honest my self confidence isn't as high as my public extroverted side makes it to be. And over the years things just keep happening to hammer it down more and more until I genuinely no longer know what I'm worth anymore, and feel that even if I did, nobody's gonna see me in that way and treat me accordingly.
Again I can relate.
Don't use fab as a yardstick to measure your worth as swinging is pretty superficial.
Alternatively, compartmentalise:your worth as a swinger for couples is an exciting bonus to their relationship and may have a tremendous worth to them or no more than a toy... That's absolutely fine as it holds no judgement against you.
Your worth as an employee is measured by you continue to be employed, or promoted and hence no judgement against.
Your worth as a person, a neighbour, a friend etc should be likewise compartmentalised. That way your self-esteem should only drop within a compartment or two - not your entire being.
I really like this, thank you.
I'm a deep thinker , besides it keeps me grounded when my self-esteem takes a bashing and I have to seek out the compartments where I am worthy as opposed to those that make me feel overwhelmed with worthlessness. "
You really are. I was going to friend you but im too young for your wisdom to be on my feed haha |
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"Fb meme:
"Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth."
Respectfully disagree. When you find that you never seem to meet people who would see your worth and treat you as such, no amount of self love or self esteem or self confidence is going to cover up that growing insecurity and depression inside.
I should know. I struggle with this all the time. Part of me feels that's a legacy of me starting swinging far too young as a single guy, and having it drummed into my head that in order to be successful at swinging one must sell oneself and accept any value or attention that other women or couples give you since you're in an oversaturated market anyway. As a single male swinger, and a foreign one at that here in this country, I constantly feel that the only reason people are interested in me would be because I'm exotic and nothing more. That because I'd just be a convenient extra partner to make up the numbers in a gangbang or a threesome. I've tried to look for my own swinging partner or couples on here on my own terms but it's never worked out. Just constantly feel that even at socials there's always that final 5% that I lack in desirability for anyone to want to convert a social with me into a play meet, unless they've explicitly got something to totally gain from me.
I don't think I've ever known what a true happy stable relationship is like outside of Fab and swinging. Even if I did I've never ever held one down for more than a year. To be entirely honest my self confidence isn't as high as my public extroverted side makes it to be. And over the years things just keep happening to hammer it down more and more until I genuinely no longer know what I'm worth anymore, and feel that even if I did, nobody's gonna see me in that way and treat me accordingly. "
Ah, but with respect I repeat - Your value does NOT decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth. Do you not see what that line says? Your value is the same whatever you or anyone else feels about it!
It sounds to me like you need to find a different way to know your own worth, and definitely not look for it on the swinging scene, which it sounds may well be detrimental to you. Do not base your self-worth on your physical appeal to a bunch of strangers who are only after a cheap thrill, how ephemeral is that?!
I would not even base your self-worth on your physical appearance, that is only temporary for everyone, and not where are true value lies - we all know some totally ghastly 'attractive' people.
No, your self-worth is centred in your character, your virtues, your values, your generosity...... Your personality and what you can contribute; what you give not what you receive, how much you love, not how much you are loved. Your talents and skills, your work and purpose...all kinds of areas that are more profound than this!! |
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What are you going to do differently with her?