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Mundane explanations for biblical miracles
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Noah's Ark? World's first floating zoo and it charged a premium for entry because of it"
 . I prefer Noah forgot his wife's birthday and instead spent the day hiding away on his boat with his dog... the guy was prone to exaggeration |
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Turning water into wine?! Jesus had just been watching the 'Tommy Cooper : A beginners guide to magic' dvd he'd got for his birthday. They edited it out of the final version of the Bible but when he'd finished he did apparently say, 'Just like that!' |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Burning bush? That was just a guy pumping away too fast that it created sparks "
 The burning bush was just a bush on fire and when it spoke what it actually said was "argh get me out of this fucking burning bush!! I only came in here to take a dump!! Arghhh" Like the tabloids today, it was just misquoted |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
The Resurrection? It's well documented that Jesus went out for dinner with 12 mates on the Thursday, dinner turned into drinks and a club, and the ensuing bender was of immense proportions, so much so that Friday to the early hours of Sunday morning is a bit of a blur for Jesus, all he can remember is waking up in a cave that some bastard had rolled a rock in front of, dressed in nothing but a nappy - he was going to have a word with that Judas about his idea of "high jinks" when he caught up with him!!! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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The parting of the red sea... some guy in Egypt tried a truly awful chat up line on a woman and not only did her vagina dry up but so did everything in a 10 mile perimeter |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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The 10 commandments
Joseph, the addopted father of jesus was carving a list for his cheating wife. With aim to save there wedlock after the mirical conception. Jesus the nosey little brat found this years later and passed it on moses on that big knight out.only to find himself in cave with a rock rolled infront of it a day or so latter. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I dont know bible stuff"
When Job was rescuing his wife from the sexually depraved city of Sodom, filled with wall to wall orgies and wild promiscuity, he told her not to look back or she'd be cursed. She did and immediately turned into a pillar of salt.
There you go. That one's on me  Explain that  |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Contrary to popular belief in some circles - Adam and Eve *was* actually Adam and Steve originally but Steve had always felt "different" somehow and Adam obliged with the snip, tossing Steve's unwanted member over his shoulder where it landed in a tree - thus explaining the serpent story too!! |
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Some cheap bastard hired a firm of cowboy builders called Joshua and the Ark of the Covenant Ltd to build a wall in his garden in Jericho. Cheap bastard had a party with his mates from the band he played with. All was going well until the trumpet player decided to play on top of the wall... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Contrary to popular belief in some circles - Adam and Eve *was* actually Adam and Steve originally but Steve had always felt "different" somehow and Adam obliged with the snip, tossing Steve's unwanted member over his shoulder where it landed in a tree - thus explaining the serpent story too!! "
that's a good one. I'll have to remember that one |
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"Contrary to popular belief in some circles - Adam and Eve *was* actually Adam and Steve originally but Steve had always felt "different" somehow and Adam obliged with the snip, tossing Steve's unwanted member over his shoulder where it landed in a tree - thus explaining the serpent story too!!
that's a good one. I'll have to remember that one "
I guess the apple was one of his balls too then |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Jesus read in the old testament that the messiah would come into Jerusalem on the back of a donkey. So he hired a donkey and rode into Jerusalem whilst crowds of people shouted "hail! The prophecy has come true!"
No. Wait? That really happened like that |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
Jesus born in a stable? Nah, Mary and Joseph had just booked a Travelodge rather than the Ritz Carlton next door and the shepherds, wise men and angels were the real miracle as they'd invited 10 single blokes for a bit of fun expecting only one to turn up!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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There was only one commandment really and it was a woman that went up the mountain to read it...she didn’t think one was enough for rules so she made the other nine up to piss men off |
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"Feeding of the 5000. Everyone got next to fuck all and had to stop by the kebab shop on their way home. "
They always do a "Best joke of the festival" round up after the comedy at Edinburgh...
One year some dude had:
"They say Jesus fed the 5000 with two loaves of bread and a fish...that's not a miracle - that's tapas!"
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