FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > What does it mean to be played?

What does it mean to be played?

By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I know there are a fair few women on here who think they've been played by men at some point. I don't know if any men feel that way about women. But I'm finding it hard to get a handle on what people mean by this. So I wanted to open a thread to both genders to try and be a bit more descriptive about what happened and why they feel they were played

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

From what my vanilla friends moan about, I think being played is being lead on the believe there will be a relationship, they love you etc when in reality they just wanted sex

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Never considered it a gendered think. Always assumed it to mean you've been strung along, or unknowingly in something under false pretences at the other end.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Thing*

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I would presume it refers to when two people have discussed expectations or agreed upon a mutually understood arrangement and upon feeling the safety and security and trust of that and participating in said arrangement, the female (as you’re referring to women saying it about men) discovers that the male lied, and did not engage as discussed. And the female feels “played” as it feels like the male did what he deemed necessary to help her feel secure and then abused that trust once he got what he wanted.

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By *izzy RascallMan over a year ago

Cardiff

You start seeing someone, who starts seeing someone else, they eventually choose them.

Often confused with: You start seeing someone and they decide they don't want to continue seeing you.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I understand that if you agreed something with someone and then found they'd lied then that would be being played.

Say you asked a guy if he was married and stipulated that if he was you wouldn't fuck him. He said he was single. You fuck. Then he confesses he's married. Then in that case you've definitely been played.

But it feels to me that lots of women don't ask this stuff. They just adopt a naive trust that, seeing as he wants to fuck me he must be single. Then when they find out he's married they claim they've been played. In that instance I disagree. If anything they played themselves

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By *hoenixAdAstraWoman over a year ago

Hiding in the shadows

"I would presume it refers to when two people have discussed expectations or agreed upon a mutually understood arrangement and upon feeling the safety and security and trust of that and participating in said arrangement, the female (as you’re referring to women saying it about men) discovers that the male lied, and did not engage as discussed. And the female feels “played” as it feels like the male did what he deemed necessary to help her feel secure and then abused that trust once he got what he wanted. "

My dyslexic brain has been thinking how to write what I was thinking, then I read your post.

Yep... Pretty much this.

On here. Meeting someone, the relationship develops. You both agree to certain 'rules' You keep to those rules, you trust the other person to stick to them too.

Then, you find they've broken them.

Lied about their activities, not just little lies, but actually gone out of their way to totally decieve & mislead you.

Then when confronted, they turn back on you, the "we were never exclusive" line.. When all along, you'd never agreed to exclusive, just honesty.

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By *emini ManMan over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"I understand that if you agreed something with someone and then found they'd lied then that would be being played.

Being dishonest by omission can still be considered "playing" someone though

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I understand that if you agreed something with someone and then found they'd lied then that would be being played.

It “seems to me” you say, which doesn’t mean that communication did not happen, it’s your assumption that it didn’t.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I understand that if you agreed something with someone and then found they'd lied then that would be being played.

It “seems to me” you say, which doesn’t mean that communication did not happen, it’s your assumption that it didn’t."

*feels not seems

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I understand that if you agreed something with someone and then found they'd lied then that would be being played.

Being dishonest by omission can still be considered "playing" someone though

Would you say someone omitting the fact that they're a swinger when having met that person on a swingers site would equate to playing?

Surely it's only playing if what you've omitted is big and perhaps unexpected?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I understand that if you agreed something with someone and then found they'd lied then that would be being played.

It “seems to me” you say, which doesn’t mean that communication did not happen, it’s your assumption that it didn’t."

And we know what assumptions are

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By *ittle_brat_evie!!Woman over a year ago

evesham

"From what my vanilla friends moan about, I think being played is being lead on the believe there will be a relationship, they love you etc when in reality they just wanted sex"

Yep this.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'd also say that 'being played' suggests a number of actions over a length of time, as opposed to someone just being deceitful in a given moment.

That's still arsehole behaviour mind, just distinct.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Sometimes it's all confusing and you don't know what the hell is going on.

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"I understand that if you agreed something with someone and then found they'd lied then that would be being played.

Not so, if someone deliberately deceives, they are in the wrong. Period.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'll simplify it.

When they tell you they want an exclusive relationship; either sexual or romantic, and you find they are talking to and/or meeting other people.

For some it's a financial loss for them as they pay for things, believing they are in a romantic relationship, only to find they lied to get money.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I understand that if you agreed something with someone and then found they'd lied then that would be being played.

Being dishonest by omission can still be considered "playing" someone though

Would you say someone omitting the fact that they're a swinger when having met that person on a swingers site would equate to playing?

Surely it's only playing if what you've omitted is big and perhaps unexpected? "

Omission is omission. Assuming what someone else knows or is expected to know is potentially misleading. Checking in with people, from consent to a friendship to a relationship takes effort but is the only surefire way to ensure you’ve been transparent and clear. I call it respect. Someone interpreting your intent differently doesn’t make anyone wrong, it’s how you discuss, correct, explain etc. Everyone will get each other wrong at times but there is a vast difference with someone putting in the energy of acknowledging someone’s hurt and different perspective and helping correct them with care or just saying “you should have guessed, played yourself there”. There’s likely plenty of people who’ve misinterpreted a situation and yet haven’t been left feeling played on having it recalibrated, just simply different expectations or wants, that’s life. It’s tantamount to gaslighting though to assume that someone who has felt played isn’t able to distinguish the two.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I understand that if you agreed something with someone and then found they'd lied then that would be being played.

Being dishonest by omission can still be considered "playing" someone though

Would you say someone omitting the fact that they're a swinger when having met that person on a swingers site would equate to playing?

Surely it's only playing if what you've omitted is big and perhaps unexpected?

This is why I said when they tell you.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I understand that if you agreed something with someone and then found they'd lied then that would be being played.

Being dishonest by omission can still be considered "playing" someone though

Would you say someone omitting the fact that they're a swinger when having met that person on a swingers site would equate to playing?

Surely it's only playing if what you've omitted is big and perhaps unexpected?

This is why I said when they tell you. "

I know, but we’d already agreed the explicit communication situation, and Soulful concurred. I’m discussing the vague non communicative scenario and saying essentially it’s on *both* parties to own the “gap” in knowledge.

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By *exyspecs and supermanCouple over a year ago

A house, a very big house in the country

"I understand that if you agreed something with someone and then found they'd lied then that would be being played.

Being dishonest by omission can still be considered "playing" someone though

This ^

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I'll simplify it.

When they tell you they want an exclusive relationship; either sexual or romantic, and you find they are talking to and/or meeting other people.

For some it's a financial loss for them as they pay for things, believing they are in a romantic relationship, only to find they lied to get money.

Exactly this

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

us
"I understand that if you agreed something with someone and then found they'd lied then that would be being played.

Being dishonest by omission can still be considered "playing" someone though

Would you say someone omitting the fact that they're a swinger when having met that person on a swingers site would equate to playing?

Surely it's only playing if what you've omitted is big and perhaps unexpected?

This is why I said when they tell you.

Yup, and behaviour can be used to deceive too - it's not all about words. A lot of men have learned if they 'ham it up' they get what they want - that's why so many of us freaked when the OP originally talked about 'playing at being in love'. No, never ever play at that, only being totally authentic and if anything erring on the side of caution is 'playing a straight bat'.

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By *emini ManMan over a year ago

There and to the left a bit

"I understand that if you agreed something with someone and then found they'd lied then that would be being played.

Being dishonest by omission can still be considered "playing" someone though

Would you say someone omitting the fact that they're a swinger when having met that person on a swingers site would equate to playing?

Surely it's only playing if what you've omitted is big and perhaps unexpected? "

In simple terms if you've deliberately omitted to tell someone something knowing that it would have changed the way they would think about you, or that would have an impact on them, then you're playing them regardless of how "big and unexpected" it is.

Now as Estella says there are *some* things that may change that perspective dependent on how you explain it, but where it's done knowingly and for personal gain of some kind then it's still playing them regardless.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Being manipulated and lied to about intent

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

To be strung along or led a merry dance is how I understand the expression... There are people in society who get a kick out of it for their amusement...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Being manipulated and lied to about intent"

I think this is as close as I could say it.

One thing I will say is being too honest can cost you and I'm speaking from experience.

And I'm always a amazed to see lots of women struggling to find someone nice who is for real.

Gets me down a bit

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"Being manipulated and lied to about intent"

Bob Marley once said (paraphrase):

"The greatest act of cowardice is to inspire love in a woman you have no intention of loving"

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I understand that if you agreed something with someone and then found they'd lied then that would be being played.

Being dishonest by omission can still be considered "playing" someone though

Would you say someone omitting the fact that they're a swinger when having met that person on a swingers site would equate to playing?

Surely it's only playing if what you've omitted is big and perhaps unexpected?

This is why I said when they tell you.

If it's vague and not been said I go with not a relationship.

My LTP told me he loves me. I didn't automatically think that would signal the start of a relationship. I made sure he wasn't intending on that and he said don't have a meltdown, it doesn't change anything. I have to have it in writing before I believe it.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Being manipulated and lied to about intent"

To get something they wouldn't have gotten if they didn't lead the other person on.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I understand that if you agreed something with someone and then found they'd lied then that would be being played.

Being dishonest by omission can still be considered "playing" someone though

Would you say someone omitting the fact that they're a swinger when having met that person on a swingers site would equate to playing?

Surely it's only playing if what you've omitted is big and perhaps unexpected?

This is why I said when they tell you.

If it's vague and not been said I go with not a relationship.

I’m not discussing if it is a relationship or not though...?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

When women use sex to try to make a man commit to them, and he takes what he wants then leaves, the woman tends to complain of being played. When she was really just outmanipulated.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Being manipulated and lied to about intent

Bob Marley once said (paraphrase):

"The greatest act of cowardice is to inspire love in a woman you have no intention of loving""
no woman no cry.

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

"Being manipulated and lied to about intent

Bob Marley once said (paraphrase):

"The greatest act of cowardice is to inspire love in a woman you have no intention of loving""

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"When women use sex to try to make a man commit to them, and he takes what he wants then leaves, the woman tends to complain of being played. When she was really just outmanipulated. "

What’s the difference between being played and being manipulated? I’m not condoning either, myself.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"When women use sex to try to make a man commit to them, and he takes what he wants then leaves, the woman tends to complain of being played. When she was really just outmanipulated.

What’s the difference between being played and being manipulated? I’m not condoning either, myself."

There isn't one, that's the point.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"When women use sex to try to make a man commit to them, and he takes what he wants then leaves, the woman tends to complain of being played. When she was really just outmanipulated.

What’s the difference between being played and being manipulated? I’m not condoning either, myself.

There isn't one, that's the point. "

Right, okay.

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By *izzy RascallMan over a year ago

Cardiff

Bob also wrote a song about 'Three Birds' but I suppose that wouldn't help in this situation about being played from one to another.

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By *electableDalliancesCouple over a year ago

leeds

I think it's difficult, it depends if the relationship plays out online or in person.

If you're dating traditionally and being lied to about the persons other sexual partners yes I'd say thats a player.

But if a great relationship has formed online over time,but then after meeting the feelings change,I'd say that's just life. You can't be sure how you feel unless you've spent physical time with a person.

Especially meeting someone in this environment, with the focus being mainly sexual in nature rather than relationship building.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"When women use sex to try to make a man commit to them, and he takes what he wants then leaves, the woman tends to complain of being played. When she was really just outmanipulated.

What’s the difference between being played and being manipulated? I’m not condoning either, myself."

I think being manipulated means getting you to do things ond otherwise wouldn't. Being played is making one believe something that isn t true.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

OMG im in shock finally it seems after months of trying iv answered a question and it made sence to more than me excuse me if i just bathe in the afterglow a bit

Aaaaaah bisto

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Being manipulated and lied to about intent"

Ok, what have you done with Pull ?

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By *ink Panther.Woman over a year ago

Preston

Jeez my head hurts, why does everything have to be so difficult?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Being manipulated and lied to about intent

Ok, what have you done with Pull ? "
iv no idea where that came for now let normal service resume

Tbag from eifel tower

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"From what my vanilla friends moan about, I think being played is being lead on the believe there will be a relationship, they love you etc when in reality they just wanted sex"

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By *ineMan over a year ago

In cave behind a waterfall on a hill

Short answer...Yes.

Long answer. No comment.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I'd say being played is when someone leads you to believe they can offer you what you want when their actual intention is not to offer it to you at all.

On here it's usually a man that wants sex with you but doesn't want anything more yet let's you believe he wants more.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

To me being played is when two people state they have feelings for each other and express a desire to have a relationship, but one of the two is lying and undermining the other for their own benefit and has no real feelings or intent.

Both men and women play others on a near even basis, so it's not leaning more towards any specific gender.

Even though it's possible to meet someone nice, genuine and sincere online I personally think It's always better to seek a relationship in the 'real world'as you can read someone's expressions and body language that you can't do via a computer.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I have never felt that I have been played, and never knowingly played anyone.

But from observation it's almost always 2 people meet, don't talk or set boundaries or expectations.

The relationship develops an imbalance where one develops more feelings for the other than are discussed. Things go tits up and then the injured party sometimes both parties complain that they have been played.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Never considered it a gendered think. Always assumed it to mean you've been strung along, or unknowingly in something under false pretences at the other end."

This

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Ultimately, being clear is kind and being unclear is unkind. That’s my take.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Bob Marley once said (paraphrase):

"The greatest act of cowardice is to inspire love in a woman you have no intention of loving""

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"When women use sex to try to make a man commit to them, and he takes what he wants then leaves, the woman tends to complain of being played. When she was really just outmanipulated. "

Ouch!

somebody speaks the truth

Totally. When two people meet there is a tussle of agendas. One is looking to manipulate the situation in their direction. The other in their's. The looser feigns total innocence and then points the finger complaining that the other one manipulated them. "They're a player. I'm just a sweet innocent here".

Of course, the best relationships never encounter that tussle because what they are both looking to manipulate out of the situation is the same. Then, when there's no need to manipulate, you can both take your hands off the wheel and trust the other to not need manipulating. Those who don't do this turn into manipulative and controlling partners

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Bob Marley once said (paraphrase):

"The greatest act of cowardice is to inspire love in a woman you have no intention of loving"

But the 'intent' is the tripping point. Love is a complex beastie, you can define it in so many ways.

The intense burning love of new lust, on one partner becomes a shrink fit cool comfortable inexcapable cover, but on the other becomes ashes to be blown away by the slightest breeze.

There are con artists out there who play the part because they want your money, your house, or anal sex. But usually irs just the way shit works out.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"When women use sex to try to make a man commit to them, and he takes what he wants then leaves, the woman tends to complain of being played. When she was really just outmanipulated.

Ouch!

somebody speaks the truth

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Would you say someone omitting the fact that they're a swinger when having met that person on a swingers site would equate to playing?

Surely it's only playing if what you've omitted is big and perhaps unexpected?

But surely there's a line that needs drawing between a legitimate claim that someone's a player and one where it's the other person who played themselves? I mean, if a woman arranges to meet a guy to enjoy a BBC does he really need to clarify to her that he's black? We can all say "but dude that was a really big bit of information you omitted". But surely there's a point at which the person claiming to have been played was actually just a wally and should've known what they were getting into because the other person was being extremely open and honest about it?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Being manipulated and lied to about intent

Bob Marley once said (paraphrase):

"The greatest act of cowardice is to inspire love in a woman you have no intention of loving""

Said the man who fathered an estimated 20 illegitimate children, allegedly...

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"When women use sex to try to make a man commit to them, and he takes what he wants then leaves, the woman tends to complain of being played. When she was really just outmanipulated.

Ouch!

somebody speaks the truth

Manipulation is not a healthy thing. This smacks again of your buy in to PUA scene strategising, Soulful. It’s odd, to me, but you seem to have a default resonance with the idea that female/male relationship building is inherently a manipulative game. I think that’s disturbing.

(PUA-pick up artist)

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By *eliWoman over a year ago

"Ouch!

somebody speaks the truth

No, they really really don't.

"...The looser feigns total innocence and then points the finger complaining that the other one manipulated them. "They're a player. I'm just a sweet innocent here". "

Yep, of course. Clearly the "loosers" are manipulating people into believing they are innocent when in actual fact they are sore losers of some odd game that's been going on. Not, you know, trying to just get on with life without viewing relationships as games.

The best relationships are the ones where you don't need to manipulate the other - fuck the codswallop about beginning it by manipulation and then trusting each other not to. This whole shtick about relationships is odd and reminiscent of the PUA community crap.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"This whole shtick about relationships is odd and reminiscent of the PUA community crap."

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Also *your* truth, Soulful, can be someone else’s absolute bollocks.

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By *uteguy06Man over a year ago

Swindon

I was played by my ex on and off for years, she always told me she loved and wanted a future together but just kept coming and going from my life and always blamed me, I done everything that she asked but all she was ever interested in was money and persistently cheated on me and lied to me and even though I always found out the truth I was always made to feel the one in the wrong, messed with my head majorly and sent me down the path of depression but finally I feel mg balls back and told her to fuck off!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"Also *your* truth, Soulful, can be someone else’s absolute bollocks. "

fair point

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I was played by my ex on and off for years, she always told me she loved and wanted a future together but just kept coming and going from my life and always blamed me, I done everything that she asked but all she was ever interested in was money and persistently cheated on me and lied to me and even though I always found out the truth I was always made to feel the one in the wrong, messed with my head majorly and sent me down the path of depression but finally I feel mg balls back and told her to fuck off!! "

Sounds like a possible sociopath. Look up sociopath traits and it may put the last piece of the puzzle in place!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It’s entirely possible for two people to have different wants and needs and expectations. It’s not manipulating to discuss and negotiate and find out each other’s values and what areas are important/fixed and what areas can be compromised on, or tested until clarity is agreed.

But in the situations where there is a power differential building typically because one has deeper feelings (whichever gender), I think it’s beholden on both parties to communicate if wants are no longer compatible. When one person just wants a shag something or other when the other wants more it’s both that have to communicate clearly. The person who wants more should say, failure to do so is misleading the one who has agreed thus far to it being something else, but it is also important that the person who doesn’t want more communicates that even if it is checking in again - relationships at whatever level are dynamic and change over time. They require continual communication and if you’re not able to instigate communication and be accountable for ongoing care for the other person that the both of you are clear then I don’t think you’re mature enough to be having sex in the first place.

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By *rumpyMcFuckNuggetMan over a year ago

Den of Iniquity

"It’s entirely possible for two people to have different wants and needs and expectations. It’s not manipulating to discuss and negotiate and find out each other’s values and what areas are important/fixed and what areas can be compromised on, or tested until clarity is agreed.

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"Bob Marley once said (paraphrase):

"The greatest act of cowardice is to inspire love in a woman you have no intention of loving"

But the 'intent' is the tripping point. Love is a complex beastie, you can define it in so many ways.

The intense burning love of new lust, on one partner becomes a shrink fit cool comfortable inexcapable cover, but on the other becomes ashes to be blown away by the slightest breeze.

There are con artists out there who play the part because they want your money, your house, or anal sex. But usually irs just the way shit works out."

But a lot of women are saying they have experienced the former more often than the latter, which is a great shame. I think it's even more of an online phenomenon myself, words are cheap.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I agree that the whole tussle of manipulation spiel relates more to some relationships than others. And I don't make that point to sanction or advocate being manipulative. Merely to point out that some women can be highly manipulative. I've encountered so many, from my mother to my sister to my ex of 20 years to one of the dates I went on this year, that I've just come to the point that I think it's just the tussle of wills between individuals that bubbles away beneath the surface in most relationships. You may feel that's a very bleak outlook. But for me it helps me forgive those people. It's just a natural part of finding someone you're compatible with. You share common goals so there's no need to manipulate things

To clarify. I've genuinely tried not to manipulate situations in my life. I'm the kind of guy who prefers win win solutions for everyone. But others haven't been so noble. In the slightest.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Bob Marley once said (paraphrase):

"The greatest act of cowardice is to inspire love in a woman you have no intention of loving"

But the 'intent' is the tripping point. Love is a complex beastie, you can define it in so many ways.

The intense burning love of new lust, on one partner becomes a shrink fit cool comfortable inexcapable cover, but on the other becomes ashes to be blown away by the slightest breeze.

There are con artists out there who play the part because they want your money, your house, or anal sex. But usually irs just the way shit works out.

But a lot of women are saying they have experienced the former more often than the latter, which is a great shame. I think it's even more of an online phenomenon myself, words are cheap."

It is a shame .who wants to just go through the motions.

Fuck that

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"When women use sex to try to make a man commit to them, and he takes what he wants then leaves, the woman tends to complain of being played. When she was really just outmanipulated.

Ouch!

somebody speaks the truth

(PUA-pick up artist)"

Yes, agreed. Both manipulating the same result leads to a healthy relationship?? NO! Both despising manipulation and being honest and authentic with each other at all times is what a healthy relationship is based on!!

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

Good, she sounds like a narcissist!

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

Haha!

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By *uteguy06Man over a year ago

Swindon

Good, she sounds like a narcissist!"

She was but it made me stronger as a person and she was rubbish in bed!! Lol

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I agree that the whole tussle of manipulation spiel relates more to some relationships than others. And I don't make that point to sanction or advocate being manipulative. Merely to point out that some women can be highly manipulative. I've encountered so many, from my mother to my sister to my ex of 20 years to one of the dates I went on this year, that I've just come to the point that I think it's just the tussle of wills between individuals that bubbles away beneath the surface in most relationships. You may feel that's a very bleak outlook. But for me it helps me forgive those people. It's just a natural part of finding someone you're compatible with. You share common goals so there's no need to manipulate things

To clarify. I've genuinely tried not to manipulate situations in my life. I'm the kind of guy who prefers win win solutions for everyone. But others haven't been so noble. In the slightest. "

No one has disagreed that there are people (all genders) that can be highly manipulative.

And this is not a good thing.

I’ve just challenged the assumption you’ve made that you think some of these people who have said they felt played, that you feel are simply playing themselves, when you’ve not known their circumstances.

That’s like me suggesting I know *your* situation with the women you mention and say, mmmm are you sure you didn’t play yourself there? It’s a pretty gaslighty and manipulative.

Hence why it’s important to not make assumptions about others and their scenarios and why people find it frustrating when you pronounce “truth” to the comments that fit your narrative.

Within all of that though, I still stand by the fact that human interactions are open to a myriad of misinformation and misinterpretation and often people are unaware of their own lack of clarity and their assumptions that someone understood the situation as they did because we interpret things differently based on our own unique and individual experience and perception of the world. And we can do so wildly differently even when there’s no malintent from the other, so it’s arrogant to assume you know what someone else thinks, feels or understands.

Communication, ongoing, without manipulative agenda, and care and respect is the only way to try and interact with least negative impact as possible, and it’s worthwhile.

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

Good, she sounds like a narcissist!

She was but it made me stronger as a person and she was rubbish in bed!! Lol "

Yay, bin the baitch!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

See. I know about this first hand and fresh. I had a date early in the year. We were attracted to each other and fucked. But the more we talked after the more we found we were deeply incompatible on lots of things. But the sex was great so we agreed to meet again to fuck. After that we agreed on a fwb situation, knowing full well we'd never want a relationship with each other, but enjoying fucking.

But throughout the whole thing she kept on acting totally differently from that, expressing to me that I meant a lot to her and other things that made me uncomfortable that she was getting too involved. So I had to sit her down over and over again to remind her that we were incompatible and this was just sex and if she wasn't ok with that she should move on and I'd be fine with that. But she'd get all emotional and say no she was ok with it. It was this mad cycle. In the end it just felt she was trying to keep her fingers in me and hope it grew into something more. I definitely felt manipulated. And if I'd been the woman and her the man I could even claim she played me.

All the way through I'd been honest. But she'd tried to wangle something else out of the situation. So in the end I had to call time on it.

You say people should be clear and communicate frequently. But in reality that can be a real tussle if the other person has an agenda they're intent on pursuing regardless

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I understand that if you agreed something with someone and then found they'd lied then that would be being played.

Being dishonest by omission can still be considered "playing" someone though

Would you say someone omitting the fact that they're a swinger when having met that person on a swingers site would equate to playing?

Surely it's only playing if what you've omitted is big and perhaps unexpected?

This is why I said when they tell you.

If it's vague and not been said I go with not a relationship.

I’m not discussing if it is a relationship or not though...?"

If it's people meeting on here, and the person has a single person profile, they are "playing" by default if they don't come clean as soon as they strike up a conversation.

If they meet anyone they have not told they are married, and allow a relationship to begin to flourish, they are playing the other person, as they shouldn't be giving more than sex and friendship.

Of course, some people think sex and friendship equates to a relationship and make assumptions; which is why I make it perfectly clear at the beginning I will not get into an exclusive or monogamous relationship with anyone I meet from here.

If I think someone is getting a bit too fond of me I have a pillow talk with them.

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By *rincess peachWoman over a year ago

shits creek

All the way through I'd been honest. But she'd tried to wangle something else out of the situation. So in the end I had to call time on it.

You say people should be clear and communicate frequently. But in reality that can be a real tussle if the other person has an agenda they're intent on pursuing regardless "

Both have responsiblities.

Communication is massive.

Was it just sex though? Do you think you played a part in giving her hope that more could happen?

I think if there's no chance at all once feels have been expressed that things may progress then maybe a cooling off period should be observed. Give the feely person the opportunity to get themselves in check so to speak. It may be counterproductive to continue something even though they are aware of the one sidedness, at least with the same frequency. If communication is very regular it's not giving that person the chance to move forward perhaps.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

All the way through I'd been honest. But she'd tried to wangle something else out of the situation. So in the end I had to call time on it.

You say people should be clear and communicate frequently. But in reality that can be a real tussle if the other person has an agenda they're intent on pursuing regardless "

When I referred to a growing power differential, I meant it. She had deeper feelings. You had the power. This is what I mean, yes you were clear with her but it was clear she couldn’t stick to it being less than so yes, you needed to walk away.

Yes, she should have been clearer but that’s the power difference. I think manipulation and playing is when the person doing so has the power. I’m not saying her behaviour was without fault but she may not have been clear with herself. Playing someone is deliberately abusing a power differential.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I’ve just challenged the assumption you’ve made that you think some of these people who have said they felt played, that you feel are simply playing themselves, when you’ve not known their circumstances.

That’s like me suggesting I know *your* situation with the women you mention and say, mmmm are you sure you didn’t play yourself there? It’s a pretty gaslighty and manipulative."

Oh goodness no I haven't been trying to argue that these women are delusional about being played. Just that a helpful response to some situations, like looking for love on an nsa swinging site, is to not only point at everyone else "look at all these bastards on a cheating site who are trying to cheat with me!!", but to also take a look at what you're doing to put yourself in those situations.

I don't want to get tangled in attribution of blame. It strikes me that that's what the whole player accusation can often be. I just want to say that it's empowering, moving forward, to try and see your role in that and whether you need to change anything.

In many cases you may not have played a role at all. It was just a nasty manipulative person you met. There really are such people. So I'm with you guys on that. But when you come on an nsa swinging site looking for love and you end up meeting lots of guys who just want to have sex... maybe it's not the rest of the world that needs to be condemned and blamed and changed

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

All the way through I'd been honest. But she'd tried to wangle something else out of the situation. So in the end I had to call time on it.

You say people should be clear and communicate frequently. But in reality that can be a real tussle if the other person has an agenda they're intent on pursuing regardless

Also, you can have been honest and clear in your mind but it not be to her, or behaviour negated it, or she had a similar experience before that did grow into more.

Good communication doesn’t always mean a situation is tenable...

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"When I referred to a growing power differential, I meant it. She had deeper feelings. You had the power. This is what I mean, yes you were clear with her but it was clear she couldn’t stick to it being less than so yes, you needed to walk away.

Ahh so this is a women are right, men are wrong thing. I see

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" But when you come on an nsa swinging site looking for love and you end up meeting lots of guys who just want to have sex... maybe it's not the rest of the world that needs to be condemned and blamed and changed

But you’re making assumptions again that these ladies didn’t do due diligence as they made contacts, or know what site they’re on in the first place, and it can come across very patronising. Why can’t you assume, like you, they knew that, but were also (as you yourself state) open to the possibility of love hitting them around the head on here and that this was the context of the situation they were in when they were let down by someone?

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

Ahh so this is a women are right, men are wrong thing. I see

Foul! don't you dare try and twist her words!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Ahh so this is a women are right, men are wrong thing. I see

Is it?

Swap the genders and same point is made.

Is this a Soulful refusing to listen to a genuine opinion situation again?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Ahh so this is a women are right, men are wrong thing. I see

Foul! don't you dare try and twist her words!

Thanks Frisky. It so wasn’t what I said.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I think if there's no chance at all once feels have been expressed that things may progress then maybe a cooling off period should be observed. Give the feely person the opportunity to get themselves in check so to speak. It may be counterproductive to continue something even though they are aware of the one sidedness, at least with the same frequency. If communication is very regular it's not giving that person the chance to move forward perhaps. "

I did this Peach. But it's difficult to impose a cooling off time when the other person professes they really don't need it. And it's difficult to keep communications light when the other person is texting you every 5 minutes. I tried to get a handle on the situation in all the ways people talk about on here. But in the end the only thing that worked was telling her to f off. When someone really wants to wangle something else out of the situation than you're continually verbally agreeing to then there's little else you can do

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Well i have been in a relationship where I didn’t know he was already in another established relationship. To me, I was played because he was fully aware of what he was doing. That’s one of my definitions of a player. Another would be a twunt.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful. "

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Absolutely. I trust that in most cases this is exactly what happened. The guy was a shit and said anything to wangle his way into her knickers.

But I don't see how that negates the possibility of culpability in some situations. The whole "player" accusation is such a victim mentality. I just worry about the way that person is seeing things and approaching these situations. I think that's quite a helpful line of enquiry. Isn't it?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening. "

And may I add that there is not always blame to be laid in these situations.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening. "

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening. "

I said a little, and was actually just trying to make a point about the view that he was reading that she was playing him aspect not about how he handled it at the time. There’s a difference.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message "

Wins?

Oh Jesus.

So when you were ‘clear’ the message was understood. Perfect, that’s exactly what I suggested.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message "

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

I said a little, and was actually just trying to make a point about the view that he was reading that she was playing him aspect not about how he handled it at the time. There’s a difference."

I haven't read where he said she played him; there's a lot of copied text that I can't read through properly. I'll have to start from the beginning to find it (unless you can find it for me ta

)

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

You do know I love you all

Just enjoying thrashing out things. No offence meant. I'm just interested in getting to the bottom of this

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy. "

A player no doubt

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message "

I'm not sure I'm on the same page as everyone else. Estella said you felt you had been played, but I didn't read that anywhere. I don't think she played you, I think she wanted something that wasn't there and only wasn't listening to you.

I get lost and confused on long copied text.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Absolutely. I trust that in most cases this is exactly what happened. The guy was a shit and said anything to wangle his way into her knickers.

I didn’t negate the possibility. I challenged your immediacy of jumping to having to make this point when you don’t know the individuals’ situactions yet, and was simply pointing out how that can read. You post often about not knowing why people misunderstand you, I’m trying to help you see one behaviour that can belie (possibly) your intent.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

*situations

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy. "

I’ve not at one point said Soulful is a bad guy.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"You do know I love you all

Just enjoying thrashing out things. No offence meant. I'm just interested in getting to the bottom of this "

You might not.

It's sometimes very difficult to 'get rid' of someone who won't let go. Unless you played her and led her to believe there was more to it than she thought, neither of you played the other.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"From what my vanilla friends moan about, I think being played is being lead on the believe there will be a relationship, they love you etc when in reality they just wanted sex"

On here it is women who say they want sex but really want to be friends

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

A player no doubt

No-one suggested you played her - just that it was bullshit to say she played you. And I think you know that.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

I said a little, and was actually just trying to make a point about the view that he was reading that she was playing him aspect not about how he handled it at the time. There’s a difference.

I haven't read where he said she played him; there's a lot of copied text that I can't read through properly. I'll have to start from the beginning to find it (unless you can find it for me ta

He says this, I’m not saying it’s an absolute that he thought this, was just countering the point... but here you go, Syb. I’m simply responding to the actual points made.

“In the end it just felt she was trying to keep her fingers in me and hope it grew into something more. I definitely felt manipulated. And if I'd been the woman and her the man I could even claim she played me.”

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

I’ve not at one point said Soulful is a bad guy.

I read that as him saying it made me the bad guy to her... perhaps even a player

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I know people who fall easily and become angry when they are let go, accusing the person of being a player. They rant on Facebook about how bad this person was, when they were blinkered in the first place.

I believe it's because some people are so desperate to be in a relationship they make one in their head out of nothing.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"You do know I love you all

Just enjoying thrashing out things. No offence meant. I'm just interested in getting to the bottom of this

You might not.

It's sometimes very difficult to 'get rid' of someone who won't let go. Unless you played her and led her to believe there was more to it than she thought, neither of you played the other. "

I don’t even suggest there was playing by either person in Soulful’s scenario (not least as I don’t have the facts), I simply responded as he used it as an example potentially of him being played. And I think a player has a power differential that is exploited.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

A player no doubt

No-one suggested you played her - just that it was bullshit to say she played you. And I think you know that."

There is a dollop if manipulating my words going on!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Of*

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

I’ve not at one point said Soulful is a bad guy.

Well, I'll say it now - this line "In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left."

No, there is also acting like a responsible, compassionate adult and saying you are sorry but you don't think they should meet anymore!! Saying no is not the same as saying 'Fuck off', so I'm hoping you didn't mean that.

And yes, that is another thing that both women and men suffer - being ghosted, cut off, or rejected harshly.

There's no need - just be kind people!!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

I said a little, and was actually just trying to make a point about the view that he was reading that she was playing him aspect not about how he handled it at the time. There’s a difference.

I haven't read where he said she played him; there's a lot of copied text that I can't read through properly. I'll have to start from the beginning to find it (unless you can find it for me ta

)

He says this, I’m not saying it’s an absolute that he thought this, was just countering the point... but here you go, Syb. I’m simply responding to the actual points made.

Thanks.

Without knowing what she actually did or said there's no way of knowing if she manipulated him. Some people use guilt as a way of manipulation.

I don't see anyone playing anyone in this instance either, regardless of if you switched places.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

I’ve not at one point said Soulful is a bad guy.

I read that as him saying it made me the bad guy to her... perhaps even a player "

But that doesn’t tally with the poster’s earlier comments, Soulful.

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"I know people who fall easily and become angry when they are let go, accusing the person of being a player. They rant on Facebook about how bad this person was, when they were blinkered in the first place.

I believe it's because some people are so desperate to be in a relationship they make one in their head out of nothing."

That certainly happens - and you can generally see it plainly by their posts on the forum.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I believe it's because some people are so desperate to be in a relationship they make one in their head out of nothing."

Absolutely can be the case, yes.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

A player no doubt

No-one suggested you played her - just that it was bullshit to say she played you. And I think you know that."

I don't think I claimed she played me. But she definitely manipulated the situation by pretending she wasn't emotionally involved when she was

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Like a shot mac_ine ? Put a penny in the hole and fiddle with the buttons

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

I’ve not at one point said Soulful is a bad guy.

Well, I'll say it now - this line "In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left."

And yes, that is another thing that both women and men suffer - being ghosted, cut off, or rejected harshly.

There's no need - just be kind people!!"

Yes!

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

I’ve not at one point said Soulful is a bad guy.

Well, I'll say it now - this line "In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left."

And yes, that is another thing that both women and men suffer - being ghosted, cut off, or rejected harshly.

There's no need - just be kind people!!"

I didn't mean to literally say fuck off (although some people can be so insistent and leech-like that that could be the only words that gets through to them).

When you are compassionate with some people they see it as a weakness and use it against you.

When you've been doing it the nice way and they aren't giving up, you have to get grit your teeth and do it the not so nice way, or you could end up spending years with someone you shouldn't be with.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

A player no doubt

No-one suggested you played her - just that it was bullshit to say she played you. And I think you know that.

I don't think I claimed she played me. But she definitely manipulated the situation by pretending she wasn't emotionally involved when she was"

Making you think it was safe to carry on without her ending up hurt?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I don't think I claimed she played me. But she definitely manipulated the situation by pretending she wasn't emotionally involved when she was"

Why is that an either/or? Maybe she wasn't, but became so. Everything is in flux.

As far as this case goes I can't see any of it as 'playing'.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

A player no doubt

No-one suggested you played her - just that it was bullshit to say she played you. And I think you know that.

I don't think I claimed she played me. But she definitely manipulated the situation by pretending she wasn't emotionally involved when she was"

You’re really struggling with the power differential bit here.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

A player no doubt

No-one suggested you played her - just that it was bullshit to say she played you. And I think you know that.

I don't think I claimed she played me. But she definitely manipulated the situation by pretending she wasn't emotionally involved when she was

You’re really struggling with the power differential bit here. "

That comes across as condescending Estella.

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

I’ve not at one point said Soulful is a bad guy.

Well, I'll say it now - this line "In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left."

And yes, that is another thing that both women and men suffer - being ghosted, cut off, or rejected harshly.

There's no need - just be kind people!!

I didn't mean to literally say fuck off (although some people can be so insistent and leech-like that that could be the only words that gets through to them).

When you are compassionate with some people they see it as a weakness and use it against you.

When you've been doing it the nice way and they aren't giving up, you have to get grit your teeth and do it the not so nice way, or you could end up spending years with someone you shouldn't be with. "

I wasn't quoting you as saying fuck off but the OP. And we will have to agree to disagree - I don't see that there is ever the need to say anything stronger than 'I'm sorry, but no.'

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

A player no doubt

No-one suggested you played her - just that it was bullshit to say she played you. And I think you know that.

I don't think I claimed she played me. But she definitely manipulated the situation by pretending she wasn't emotionally involved when she was

You’re really struggling with the power differential bit here.

That comes across as condescending Estella."

It wasn’t meant to be, Syb. It just the bit as I explained further up where he is stuck.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

A player no doubt

No-one suggested you played her - just that it was bullshit to say she played you. And I think you know that.

I don't think I claimed she played me. But she definitely manipulated the situation by pretending she wasn't emotionally involved when she was

You’re really struggling with the power differential bit here.

That comes across as condescending Estella.

It wasn’t meant to be, Syb. It just the bit as I explained further up where he is stuck. "

Why do you think it's anything to do with power?

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"“In the end it just felt she was trying to keep her fingers in me and hope it grew into something more. I definitely felt manipulated. And if I'd been the woman and her the man I could even claim she played me.” "

That's not the same as me calling her a player. And thinking about it, even if the genders were reversed, I still couldn't claim he was a player. But I think everyone could agree he was manipulative

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

A player no doubt

No-one suggested you played her - just that it was bullshit to say she played you. And I think you know that.

I don't think I claimed she played me. But she definitely manipulated the situation by pretending she wasn't emotionally involved when she was"

You said " I definitely felt manipulated. And if I'd been the woman and her the man I could even claim she played me."

I get that you were just playing Devil's Advocate, but it was erroneous. She may have tried to deceive you, but she didn't play you.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

I’ve not at one point said Soulful is a bad guy.

Well, I'll say it now - this line "In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left."

And yes, that is another thing that both women and men suffer - being ghosted, cut off, or rejected harshly.

There's no need - just be kind people!!

I didn't mean to literally say fuck off (although some people can be so insistent and leech-like that that could be the only words that gets through to them).

When you are compassionate with some people they see it as a weakness and use it against you.

When you've been doing it the nice way and they aren't giving up, you have to get grit your teeth and do it the not so nice way, or you could end up spending years with someone you shouldn't be with.

I wasn't quoting you as saying fuck off but the OP. And we will have to agree to disagree - I don't see that there is ever the need to say anything stronger than 'I'm sorry, but no.'"

You haven't been in a situation where somebody won't let go then.

It's not always as easy as saying " I'm sorry, but no". It's why people are stuck in abusive relationships for years.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

A player no doubt

No-one suggested you played her - just that it was bullshit to say she played you. And I think you know that.

I don't think I claimed she played me. But she definitely manipulated the situation by pretending she wasn't emotionally involved when she was

You’re really struggling with the power differential bit here.

That comes across as condescending Estella.

It wasn’t meant to be, Syb. It just the bit as I explained further up where he is stuck.

Why do you think it's anything to do with power?

Do you mind if I ask if you read the bit where I talked about the power differential growing when one person develops stronger feelings than the other?

I’m talking about an imbalance. Not diminishing anyone’s ultimate power over themselves.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

I’ve not at one point said Soulful is a bad guy.

Well, I'll say it now - this line "In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left."

And yes, that is another thing that both women and men suffer - being ghosted, cut off, or rejected harshly.

There's no need - just be kind people!!

I didn't mean to literally say fuck off (although some people can be so insistent and leech-like that that could be the only words that gets through to them).

When you are compassionate with some people they see it as a weakness and use it against you.

When you've been doing it the nice way and they aren't giving up, you have to get grit your teeth and do it the not so nice way, or you could end up spending years with someone you shouldn't be with.

I wasn't quoting you as saying fuck off but the OP. And we will have to agree to disagree - I don't see that there is ever the need to say anything stronger than 'I'm sorry, but no.'

You haven't been in a situation where somebody won't let go then.

It's not always as easy as saying " I'm sorry, but no". It's why people are stuck in abusive relationships for years."

That comes across as patronising Syb. Telling someone what they’ve experienced or not just because they disagree with you.

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

That's not the same as me calling her a player. And thinking about it, even if the genders were reversed, I still couldn't claim he was a player. But I think everyone could agree he was manipulative "

Maybe so.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

A player no doubt

No-one suggested you played her - just that it was bullshit to say she played you. And I think you know that.

I don't think I claimed she played me. But she definitely manipulated the situation by pretending she wasn't emotionally involved when she was

You’re really struggling with the power differential bit here.

That comes across as condescending Estella.

It wasn’t meant to be, Syb. It just the bit as I explained further up where he is stuck.

Why do you think it's anything to do with power?

Do you mind if I ask if you read the bit where I talked about the power differential growing when one person develops stronger feelings than the other?

I’m talking about an imbalance. Not diminishing anyone’s ultimate power over themselves."

I didn't see that. There's so much copying in that I can't tell who said what and miss things, sorry.

I'll leave it here now as it's giving me a brain ache.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

It might have been, it might not have been. So no, I don’t think we can all agree - that’s the point.

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

I’ve not at one point said Soulful is a bad guy.

Well, I'll say it now - this line "In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left."

And yes, that is another thing that both women and men suffer - being ghosted, cut off, or rejected harshly.

There's no need - just be kind people!!

I didn't mean to literally say fuck off (although some people can be so insistent and leech-like that that could be the only words that gets through to them).

When you are compassionate with some people they see it as a weakness and use it against you.

When you've been doing it the nice way and they aren't giving up, you have to get grit your teeth and do it the not so nice way, or you could end up spending years with someone you shouldn't be with.

I wasn't quoting you as saying fuck off but the OP. And we will have to agree to disagree - I don't see that there is ever the need to say anything stronger than 'I'm sorry, but no.'

You haven't been in a situation where somebody won't let go then.

It's not always as easy as saying " I'm sorry, but no". It's why people are stuck in abusive relationships for years."

I disagree. And you know nothing of my past.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

" Well, I'll say it now - this line "In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left."

And yes, that is another thing that both women and men suffer - being ghosted, cut off, or rejected harshly.

There's no need - just be kind people!!"

Don't worry Frisky. I didn't actually tell her to F off. But I did call time out. Before that I genuinely tried all of the lovely things you suggest. Talking honestly. Trying cooling off periods. Not egging her on. Repeatedly reminding her that we weren't in a relationship.

But when someone is stubborn about what they want they'll say whatever they think you want to hear to get it. This sounds awfully close to being a player no?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

To be strung along or led a merry dance

I'd say being played is when someone leads you to believe they can offer you what you want when their actual intention is not to offer it to you at all.

These.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Being played is

when a man or woman

Has mis lead the other with false pretences..

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"It does read a little that you’re blaming someone for having feelings and not being able to continue being available for you to fuck, Soulful.

Not to me it doesn't. It seems that he tried to let her down gently and she was clinging on.

In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left.

It reads to me that he tried to spare her feelings and she wasn't listening.

Sybarite definitely wins. I didn't know how to let her down lightly. In the end she forced me to have to drop her quite clearly so she finally got the message

Yep - and that made you the bad guy.

I’ve not at one point said Soulful is a bad guy.

Well, I'll say it now - this line "In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left."

And yes, that is another thing that both women and men suffer - being ghosted, cut off, or rejected harshly.

There's no need - just be kind people!!

I didn't mean to literally say fuck off (although some people can be so insistent and leech-like that that could be the only words that gets through to them).

When you are compassionate with some people they see it as a weakness and use it against you.

When you've been doing it the nice way and they aren't giving up, you have to get grit your teeth and do it the not so nice way, or you could end up spending years with someone you shouldn't be with.

I wasn't quoting you as saying fuck off but the OP. And we will have to agree to disagree - I don't see that there is ever the need to say anything stronger than 'I'm sorry, but no.'

You haven't been in a situation where somebody won't let go then.

It's not always as easy as saying " I'm sorry, but no". It's why people are stuck in abusive relationships for years.

That comes across as patronising Syb. Telling someone what they’ve experienced or not just because they disagree with you."

I was simply saying that if you had experienced a person who won't let go you would know you can't just say sorry, no it's not happening. I'm not patronising you. I have experienced it and said no over and over until I was forced to do something totally out of character. I don't patronize people for not understanding.

If you did understand you wouldn't simplify it. People who won't let go can make a person very ill.

I'm not saying they do it deliberately either; they can't help how they feel.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" Well, I'll say it now - this line "In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left."

And yes, that is another thing that both women and men suffer - being ghosted, cut off, or rejected harshly.

There's no need - just be kind people!!

But when someone is stubborn about what they want they'll say whatever they think you want to hear to get it. This sounds awfully close to being a player no? "

I wouldn't call them a player. They are hurting and it's hard for them to give you up; maybe even frightened. People grieve over lost relationships.

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

" Well, I'll say it now - this line "In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left."

And yes, that is another thing that both women and men suffer - being ghosted, cut off, or rejected harshly.

There's no need - just be kind people!!

But when someone is stubborn about what they want they'll say whatever they think you want to hear to get it. This sounds awfully close to being a player no? "

Actually no, I agree with Estella, to be a player you have to be the one with the dispassionate power - she just sounds like someone with too much passion clutching at straws.

Manipulative? Possibly. Yes, and there are indeed women who try to 'entrap' men using sex as bait, or manipulate them by denying sex, or using emotional blackm@il etc, etc.

But a player? I say no, not if what you have described is a true reflection of the situation.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

I don't know what everyone else's experiences are but I just want to say that I'm hearing truth in everyone's perspective. For me, it was definitely a situation similar to what Sybarite describes... of them forcing me to be uncharacteristically unfriendly

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By *elshsunsWoman over a year ago

Flintshire

"I understand that if you agreed something with someone and then found they'd lied then that would be being played.

First question I ask .... are you married??

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" Well, I'll say it now - this line "In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left."

And yes, that is another thing that both women and men suffer - being ghosted, cut off, or rejected harshly.

There's no need - just be kind people!!

But when someone is stubborn about what they want they'll say whatever they think you want to hear to get it. This sounds awfully close to being a player no?

Actually no, I agree with Estella, to be a player you have to be the one with the dispassionate power - she just sounds like someone with too much passion clutching at straws.

Manipulative? Possibly. Yes, and there are indeed women who try to 'entrap' men using sex as bait, or manipulate them by denying sex, or using emotional blackm@il etc, etc.

But a player? I say no, not if what you have described is a true reflection of the situation."

I don't think she played him either. It may be emotional blacK .mail at best, but unintentional. Sometimes we are too nice for our own good.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" Well, I'll say it now - this line "In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left."

And yes, that is another thing that both women and men suffer - being ghosted, cut off, or rejected harshly.

There's no need - just be kind people!!

But when someone is stubborn about what they want they'll say whatever they think you want to hear to get it. This sounds awfully close to being a player no?

Actually no, I agree with Estella, to be a player you have to be the one with the dispassionate power - she just sounds like someone with too much passion clutching at straws.

Manipulative? Possibly. Yes, and there are indeed women who try to 'entrap' men using sex as bait, or manipulate them by denying sex, or using emotional blackm@il etc, etc.

But a player? I say no, not if what you have described is a true reflection of the situation."

Far to much time on your hands

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"I don't know what everyone else's experiences are but I just want to say that I'm hearing truth in everyone's perspective. For me, it was definitely a situation similar to what Sybarite describes... of them forcing me to be uncharacteristically unfriendly "

I still do not accept that anyone can 'force' such a response. If I cannot get someone to back off I may have to get help or go to the police, but I don't have to lose my manners or reduce my behaviour to their level.

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

" Well, I'll say it now - this line "In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left."

And yes, that is another thing that both women and men suffer - being ghosted, cut off, or rejected harshly.

There's no need - just be kind people!!

But when someone is stubborn about what they want they'll say whatever they think you want to hear to get it. This sounds awfully close to being a player no?

Actually no, I agree with Estella, to be a player you have to be the one with the dispassionate power - she just sounds like someone with too much passion clutching at straws.

Manipulative? Possibly. Yes, and there are indeed women who try to 'entrap' men using sex as bait, or manipulate them by denying sex, or using emotional blackm@il etc, etc.

But a player? I say no, not if what you have described is a true reflection of the situation.

Far to much time on your hands

And you're too busy to be on the forums are you?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" Well, I'll say it now - this line "In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left."

And yes, that is another thing that both women and men suffer - being ghosted, cut off, or rejected harshly.

There's no need - just be kind people!!

But when someone is stubborn about what they want they'll say whatever they think you want to hear to get it. This sounds awfully close to being a player no? "

But treating someone with care doesn’t mean you’ll get to continue with what you want, in your situation it had to end because she had feelings and you didn’t. Yes, she was in denial about it all and not handling it well OR being manipulative (we don’t know) but I’m suggesting “playing” is intentioned and normally when you’re the one with the swing of power in your court typically because the other has feelings. So I don’t think someone succumbing to feelings is necessarily playing. I think it’s someone more likely having feelings and that makes them no longer compatible with you, so you end it. No bad blood, people can get feelings when they desperately don’t want to.

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

So after all this it strikes me that those people who wrote that a player is "a man or woman who mis leads the other with false pretences" (sorry Juicy didn't mean to pick on you. Yours was just the most readily available example) are being too simplistic. That's what this woman did to me over summer and we can all agree that, upon reflection, she wasn't playing me.

Instead playing someone is quite specifically the act of pretending you want a relationship with them when actually you just want to fuck them. No?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" Well, I'll say it now - this line "In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left."

And yes, that is another thing that both women and men suffer - being ghosted, cut off, or rejected harshly.

There's no need - just be kind people!!

But when someone is stubborn about what they want they'll say whatever they think you want to hear to get it. This sounds awfully close to being a player no?

That's the problem with feelings, they make people act out of character. That's why mine are turned off. Emotional pain is as damaging as physical pain.

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By *elshsunsWoman over a year ago

Flintshire

"Sometimes it's all confusing and you don't know what the hell is going on.

Did I confuse you

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Absolutely.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"So after all this it strikes me that those people who wrote that a player is "a man or woman who mis leads the other with false pretences" (sorry Juicy didn't mean to pick on you. Yours was just the most readily available example) are being too simplistic. That's what this woman did to me over summer and we can all agree that, upon reflection, she wasn't playing me.

Instead playing someone is quite specifically the act of pretending you want a relationship with them when actually you just want to fuck them. No? "

In part, but it doesn't always have to be sex they are after; even on here.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

" Well, I'll say it now - this line "In that case there's only telling them to go away, get lost, fuck off or whatever left."

And yes, that is another thing that both women and men suffer - being ghosted, cut off, or rejected harshly.

There's no need - just be kind people!!

But when someone is stubborn about what they want they'll say whatever they think you want to hear to get it. This sounds awfully close to being a player no?

"
I have to agree with this 'A player' is a premeditated agenda it's their 'game' x

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Instead playing someone is quite specifically the act of pretending you want a relationship with them when actually you just want to fuck them. No? "

No.

I’ve expressed my definition at top of thread. I’d caveat the aspect of power differential.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

*has a

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I understand that if you agreed something with someone and then found they'd lied then that would be being played.

First question I ask .... are you married??

I would always ask if a guy was married doesn't mean I get the truth though..

Speaking from experience.. I was told yes but separated for a couple years

to which 8 months down the line I found out this wasn't the case ( agent juice on the go)

I have to hand it to him he was very clever and careful

But later got complacent...

Doesn't help though once boundaries had been crossed and feelings developed

And as OP mention about the other not giving up and taking no

Sometimes being blunt and out of Character is the only way the person will see you are serious

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Sorry Frisky but "getting help" or involving the police are much further down my list than sorting it out myself

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

I wouldn't use the word force either. I would say manipulate because they have sensed the person is nice and compassionate and think they can still win them over. I don't think it's deliberate either.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Sorry Frisky but "getting help" or involving the police are much further down my list than sorting it out myself "

Oh come on, she’s not saying that. She’s taken it to the extreme in relation to Syb saying that it’s not always possible to do so with care and firmly etc. Let’s stop misreading peoples comments.

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

Sorry Frisky but "getting help" or involving the police are much further down my list than sorting it out myself "

Yes, but saying 'Fuck off' is no more effective than saying 'I am sorry I am never going to see you again.', it's just more hurtful.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Don’t hate the player. Hate the game

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

"I have to agree with this 'A player' is a premeditated agenda it's their 'game' x"

Why are we all presuming that this woman I was wrangling with didn't have a manipulative agenda? Maybe she wanted a kid? Maybe she was screaming out for a relationship? It just seems double standards

If playing is lying to get sex then no she didn't play me. But if playing is pursuing an alternate agenda and forcing that on the other person then I felt she was definitely doing that. So why isn't she a player?

More confused than ever

That's why I think this is just a one standard for women another for men thing

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

Don't let anyone say I don't like feisty women

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I have to agree with this 'A player' is a premeditated agenda it's their 'game' x

Why are we all presuming that this woman I was wrangling with didn't have a manipulative agenda? Maybe she wanted a kid? Maybe she was screaming out for a relationship? It just seems double standards

More confused than ever

That's why I think this is just a one standard for women another for men thing "

Firstly, nobody is assuming either or. You’re presenting it as one thing solely and we are explaining how it could be something else entirely. You’re being overly black and white in your thinking.

Secondly, we are all willing to swap the genders in any of our points and not change our point. To imply it’s a women over men agenda is more telling of your views than ours.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"Why are we all presuming that this woman I was wrangling with didn't have a manipulative agenda? Maybe she wanted a kid? Maybe she was screaming out for a relationship? It just seems double standards

More confused than ever

That's why I think this is just a one standard for women another for men thing "

I asked up thread but had no reply, so I'll ask again. Why is this an either/or? Can't she have changed her mind over time, as people do?

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

"I have to agree with this 'A player' is a premeditated agenda it's their 'game' x

Why are we all presuming that this woman I was wrangling with didn't have a manipulative agenda? Maybe she wanted a kid? Maybe she was screaming out for a relationship? It just seems double standards

That's not what you described. You described a genuine woman trying to control her feelings and failing somewhat, not a cold-hearted bitch intending to use you as a sperm donor then dump you.

Get the difference?

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Instead playing someone is quite specifically the act of pretending you want a relationship with them when actually you just want to fuck them. No?

No.

I’ve expressed my definition at top of thread. I’d caveat the aspect of power differential."

Do you think they always know they have power over someone? Or see it as a power?

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

Instead playing someone is quite specifically the act of pretending you want a relationship with them when actually you just want to fuck them. No?

No.

I’ve expressed my definition at top of thread. I’d caveat the aspect of power differential.

Do you think they always know they have power over someone? Or see it as a power?"

Not necessarily. Narcissists for instance are generally unaware of their narcissism.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

More confused than ever

That's why I think this is just a one standard for women another for men thing

I asked up thread but had no reply, so I'll ask again. Why is this an either/or? Can't she have changed her mind over time, as people do?"

And even the potential of being confused as to what she wants at all. Again, this is when she also should have imposed a timeout but when you like someone your heart and head don’t always synch up to clear and common sense actions. You can feel and want conflicting things at the same time.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

"I have to agree with this 'A player' is a premeditated agenda it's their 'game' x

Why are we all presuming that this woman I was wrangling with didn't have a manipulative agenda? Maybe she wanted a kid? Maybe she was screaming out for a relationship? It just seems double standards

More confused than ever

That's why I think this is just a one standard for women another for men thing "

This is why I said without knowing what was said or done we can't really know.

Some women and men do think a baby will keep you together, and some women just want the baby and not the man (which is digressing).

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

Instead playing someone is quite specifically the act of pretending you want a relationship with them when actually you just want to fuck them. No?

No.

I’ve expressed my definition at top of thread. I’d caveat the aspect of power differential.

Do you think they always know they have power over someone? Or see it as a power?"

Nope.

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By (user no longer on site) over a year ago

More confused than ever

That's why I think this is just a one standard for women another for men thing

I asked up thread but had no reply, so I'll ask again. Why is this an either/or? Can't she have changed her mind over time, as people do?

Common sense goes right out of the window sometimes.

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By *r MoriartyMan over a year ago

The Land that time forgot (Norfolk)

Reading this thread has made me realise I was played on here, the bitch!

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

I asked up thread but had no reply, so I'll ask again. Why is this an either/or? Can't she have changed her mind over time, as people do?"

I nearly replied when you said"Why is that an either/or? Maybe she wasn't, but became so. Everything is in flux."

You are of course correct, there are any number of other scenarios, and ever-changing balances - especially on a site such as this where by it's very nature everything is in a state of constant flux anyway - what's true this week may not be next week or the one after!!

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By *r MoriartyMan over a year ago

The Land that time forgot (Norfolk)

Not Miss.Red!

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By (user no longer on site) OP over a year ago

More confused than ever

That's why I think this is just a one standard for women another for men thing

I asked up thread but had no reply, so I'll ask again. Why is this an either/or? Can't she have changed her mind over time, as people do?"

I'd say in many cases this is exactly what has happened with the guy who's accused of being a player. He went into a sexual encounter with an open mind about possibly having a relationship. She took that as a promise of some sort. They fucked. He decided against it and suddenly he's "a player".

Sorry if that sounds cynical. I just think there's a lot of bs surrounding this whole issue

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By *risky_MareWoman over a year ago

...Up on the Downs

No-one is denying that both men and women can be players or manipulative, or that both men and women can falsely accuse each other of either one.

But when it comes to casual sex, we all know who is more likely to be the player or the played.

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