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Question for parents
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My son is far too shy for girlfriends although he does have a few friends that are girls...
Being autistic he asks a lot of questions about dating and dating etiquette for when it eventually happens to him but i dont think he is in any rush tbh |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Once they hit adolescence (been there 4 times)..you can't encourage them to do anything!...if it sounds like you're trying to do that,they do the exact opposite anyway!... so best leave them to it and let them decide and remember to be there to pick up the pieces when things go tits up  |
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"Once your kids get to adolescence would you encourage them to more towards promiscuity or monogamy? "
Great question! I think it's one of those things you shouldn't encourage either way, but you should certainly prompt them to thing about the tough reality of both.
Son falls madly in love with girlfriend and wants a monogamous marriage, "So Son, in twenty years you're going to be happy still fucking the same woman and won't be cheating?"
Son wants to try some form of open relationship with girlfriend, "So do you really know what happens after you've opened Pandora's box?"
I don't think you lead them to a conclusion, you check the logic of their analysis. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Once they hit adolescence (been there 4 times)..you can't encourage them to do anything!...if it sounds like you're trying to do that,they do the exact opposite anyway!... so best leave them to it and let them decide and remember to be there to pick up the pieces when things go tits up "
This is spot on! |
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"There is only one way in life and that's your own way .I won't be encouraging anything ."
But some people's "way" means acting like a complete cunt and wrecking other peoples lives...
At least do unto others what you would have done unto you in relationships? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"My son is far too shy for girlfriends although he does have a few friends that are girls...
Being autistic he asks a lot of questions about dating and dating etiquette for when it eventually happens to him but i dont think he is in any rush tbh "
Same here my boy is autistic and 13, we have had lots of interesting conversations about societal expectations of monogamy, the whole "guys are studs but girls are sluts" things and the importance of respect. They have touched on all this in school personal social education classes, which I feel is a great thing. Also had a talk about porn and the false expectations it can lead to. Some may think he is too young but I have the feeling once he does actually reach the stage of sexual activity and accessing porn, he might be more embarrassed to talk about it all. I'm just glad he feels he can talk to me about it now. |
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"My son is far too shy for girlfriends although he does have a few friends that are girls...
Being autistic he asks a lot of questions about dating and dating etiquette for when it eventually happens to him but i dont think he is in any rush tbh
Same here my boy is autistic and 13, we have had lots of interesting conversations about societal expectations of monogamy, the whole "guys are studs but girls are sluts" things and the importance of respect. They have touched on all this in school personal social education classes, which I feel is a great thing. Also had a talk about porn and the false expectations it can lead to. Some may think he is too young but I have the feeling once he does actually reach the stage of sexual activity and accessing porn, he might be more embarrassed to talk about it all. I'm just glad he feels he can talk to me about it now."
So if he asks you why a significant proportion of society think that "guys are studs but girls are sluts", how do you answer him? |
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By *Vine OP Man
over a year ago
The right place |
"Once your kids get to adolescence would you encourage them to more towards promiscuity or monogamy?
Great question! I think it's one of those things you shouldn't encourage either way, but you should certainly prompt them to thing about the tough reality of both.
Son falls madly in love with girlfriend and wants a monogamous marriage, "So Son, in twenty years you're going to be happy still fucking the same woman and won't be cheating?"
Son wants to try some form of open relationship with girlfriend, "So do you really know what happens after you've opened Pandora's box?"
I don't think you lead them to a conclusion, you check the logic of their analysis. "
I regret the use of the word ‘encourage’ in my question.
I want them to find out for them selves. But I probably worry that my kids are likely to settle down very quickly and not have a range of experiences. But, it’s their choice. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There is only one way in life and that's your own way .I won't be encouraging anything .
But some people's "way" means acting like a complete cunt and wrecking other peoples lives...
At least do unto others what you would have done unto you in relationships? "
Old Hobbes and his world of brutes and endless suffering and misery has tainted your view of humanity .Cheer up people are generally good natured and altruistic and loving and generous .  |
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"Once your kids get to adolescence would you encourage them to more towards promiscuity or monogamy? "
I told my eldest to be happy, do what he wanted but always, always treat a woman with respect.
If he wanted to have sex, then I'd rather it was done in my house, than round the back of the grotty public loos on the park (we had an annex which converted for him when he was 15, so not actually under same roof as me & his younger brothers)
Yes he was a complete 'lad' in his teens, but he is still friends with the majority of those girls, most of which I made tea & toast for in the morning and they still go out of their way to say hello if they see me.
He settled down with one of those girls 6yrs later, they've been together 4yrs now & have just bought their own home.
Reckon I must have something right then! |
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By *Vine OP Man
over a year ago
The right place |
"I aim to be open and honest with my daughter and give her the right information to feel comfortable in making her own decisions safely."
Does that mean she knows you’re on here? |
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"Once your kids get to adolescence would you encourage them to more towards promiscuity or monogamy?
Great question! I think it's one of those things you shouldn't encourage either way, but you should certainly prompt them to thing about the tough reality of both.
Son falls madly in love with girlfriend and wants a monogamous marriage, "So Son, in twenty years you're going to be happy still fucking the same woman and won't be cheating?"
Son wants to try some form of open relationship with girlfriend, "So do you really know what happens after you've opened Pandora's box?"
I don't think you lead them to a conclusion, you check the logic of their analysis.
I regret the use of the word ‘encourage’ in my question.
I want them to find out for them selves. But I probably worry that my kids are likely to settle down very quickly and not have a range of experiences. But, it’s their choice. "
Statistically speaking, the only people that works for are Mormons,
amish, JW's and those types. It's a receipe for divorce otherwise because fundamentally, your personality won't stabilise until ~25 years old and so they'll grow apart. That said, I don't believe "getting it out your system" works either, a range of experiences could equal an opening of Pandora's box that they can never close. I'd say you need to help them understand the full implications of their decisions and nothing does that like good old statistics. |
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"There is only one way in life and that's your own way .I won't be encouraging anything .
But some people's "way" means acting like a complete cunt and wrecking other peoples lives...
At least do unto others what you would have done unto you in relationships?
Old Hobbes and his world of brutes and endless suffering and misery has tainted your view of humanity .Cheer up people are generally good natured and altruistic and loving and generous . "
So you married the first woman you fell in love with and lived happily ever after? Me neither |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
So if he asks you why a significant proportion of society think that "guys are studs but girls are sluts", how do you answer him? "
We discussed how it's come down through the years, that women were expected to marry and stay 'pure' until they did, while traditionally men were able to do what they liked. That women enjoying sex would get a bad name, unmarried mothers were vilified etc. How things are changing in some respects but still many hold the same beliefs that it's natural for a man to want to enjoy sex and 'spread his seed' while women enjoying sex are given a bad name. Not just by men but by other women. I don't feel this is fair but to a large extent it's still how it is seen. And only the next generations can change that. He watched some episodes of Geordie Shore with my goddaughter which I wasn't happy about, but then he said mum, all the girls kept wanting to go to bed with the boys but the boys were being horrible about them. But they still wanted them? We spoke about how important it is, whether you sleep with one person or lots of people, to treat them with respect, and also to make sure they treat you with respect. Programs like Geordie Shore wind me up, as I'm sure the girls on it would say they are showing a positive model of girls being sexually active 'like the boys'. I disagree. They let those guys use them and treat them like dirt. I used it as an example of how not to behave. Rambling a bit now but that's kinda how the conversations have went. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There is only one way in life and that's your own way .I won't be encouraging anything .
But some people's "way" means acting like a complete cunt and wrecking other peoples lives...
At least do unto others what you would have done unto you in relationships?
Old Hobbes and his world of brutes and endless suffering and misery has tainted your view of humanity .Cheer up people are generally good natured and altruistic and loving and generous .
So you married the first woman you fell in love with and lived happily ever after? Me neither "
No I shagged lots of lovely people .Maybe I got lucky .  |
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I have access to lots and lots of vehicles that are tinted out and not registered to me and live on the edge of the yourshire Moors, should any boys think of degrading my princess then I’m well equipped to deal with it!
I doubt anyone would miss them!
AJ  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Once your kids get to adolescence would you encourage them to more towards promiscuity or monogamy? "
Before they reached adolescence I encouraged them to think and find their own path. Its not for me to choose. |
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"
So if he asks you why a significant proportion of society think that "guys are studs but girls are sluts", how do you answer him?
We discussed how it's come down through the years, that women were expected to marry and stay 'pure' until they did, while traditionally men were able to do what they liked. That women enjoying sex would get a bad name, unmarried mothers were vilified etc. How things are changing in some respects but still many hold the same beliefs that it's natural for a man to want to enjoy sex and 'spread his seed' while women enjoying sex are given a bad name. Not just by men but by other women. I don't feel this is fair but to a large extent it's still how it is seen. And only the next generations can change that. He watched some episodes of Geordie Shore with my goddaughter which I wasn't happy about, but then he said mum, all the girls kept wanting to go to bed with the boys but the boys were being horrible about them. But they still wanted them? We spoke about how important it is, whether you sleep with one person or lots of people, to treat them with respect, and also to make sure they treat you with respect. Programs like Geordie Shore wind me up, as I'm sure the girls on it would say they are showing a positive model of girls being sexually active 'like the boys'. I disagree. They let those guys use them and treat them like dirt. I used it as an example of how not to behave. Rambling a bit now but that's kinda how the conversations have went."
I agree with all that. The two things I would add are that our culture was formed long before effective birthcontrol was widely available, so it's not entirely irrational when you understand it in that context. Secondly, even with birth control, men and women still have different risk profiles for sex, sex can never be entirely risk free. Since men are never going to have babies, that attitude will always exist to some degree. |
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"There is only one way in life and that's your own way .I won't be encouraging anything .
But some people's "way" means acting like a complete cunt and wrecking other peoples lives...
At least do unto others what you would have done unto you in relationships?
Old Hobbes and his world of brutes and endless suffering and misery has tainted your view of humanity .Cheer up people are generally good natured and altruistic and loving and generous .
So you married the first woman you fell in love with and lived happily ever after? Me neither
No I shagged lots of lovely people .Maybe I got lucky . "
You never had your heart broken by one of those girls your mother warned you about? |
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By *tonMessCouple
over a year ago
Slough Windsor ish |
Strange. I had a conversation with my son this evening on the drive home from college. He's 17 and an out and proud bisexual. Currently he is seeing a girl who is also out and proud bisexual. She has been encouraging him to pursue an open relationship with a lad they are at college with and she is also seeing a girl...
I said it all sounds rather complicated but he assures me it all makes perfect sense as they are all poly 
I like that he is open with me, obviously my swinging past is not something that he knows about though.
I think younger adults are more open to polyamorus relationships these days. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"There is only one way in life and that's your own way .I won't be encouraging anything .
But some people's "way" means acting like a complete cunt and wrecking other peoples lives...
At least do unto others what you would have done unto you in relationships?
Old Hobbes and his world of brutes and endless suffering and misery has tainted your view of humanity .Cheer up people are generally good natured and altruistic and loving and generous .
So you married the first woman you fell in love with and lived happily ever after? Me neither
No I shagged lots of lovely people .Maybe I got lucky .
You never had your heart broken by one of those girls your mother warned you about? "
In all honesty I've never been broken hearted .Ive been dumped ,obviously ,but I've never been heart broken over it. |
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"Once your kids get to adolescence would you encourage them to more towards promiscuity or monogamy? "
Neither.
You make sure that they understand about healthy relationships, safe sex and consent.
Apart from that, be there for them when things go wrong.
Nita |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I wouldn’t encourage them either way. I let them find their own way in life although I do encourage them to treat their women right, not to cheat and to be careful with regards to condoms. I have 3 sons between 16-22 and they’re all different with regards to girls. They all treat them with respect tho which is good enough for me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Towards nothing, they can make their own minds up. I'll just give them the tools to treat people nicely, be safe and not make me a Nana before I'm 45! "
Pleased to hear it, being yellow and curved wouldn't suit you   |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Whatever makes them happy
So if your son and daughter wanted a relationship and were "happy", then you'd be fine with it? "
? you would want your offspring to be unhappy ?
Don't care what mine do as long as they try not to cause harm and are happy doing whatever choices they make. |
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"Whatever makes them happy
So if your son and daughter wanted a relationship and were "happy", then you'd be fine with it?
? you would want your offspring to be unhappy ?
Don't care what mine do as long as they try not to cause harm and are happy doing whatever choices they make. "
So just to be clear, you'd be fine with your own children in a sexual relationship together? |
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"Whatever makes them happy
So if your son and daughter wanted a relationship and were "happy", then you'd be fine with it?
My daughter is dead. Is that answer you are trolling for  "
It's not trolling, it's called the Socratic method. Just showing you that you don't really believe that statement to be true. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Whatever makes them happy
So if your son and daughter wanted a relationship and were "happy", then you'd be fine with it?
? you would want your offspring to be unhappy ?
Don't care what mine do as long as they try not to cause harm and are happy doing whatever choices they make.
So just to be clear, you'd be fine with your own children in a sexual relationship together? "
There is the do no harm clause, and it's a moot question as my two love each other as brother and sister, so long as they live in different houses with at least a mile separation. But if that was the only way they could be happy I wouldn't stop them. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We have two girls aged 24&16. Eldest very prudish and younger has the boys lined up 
We only encourage safety. In every way of thinking where sex is concerned - when they’re sexually actively we discreetly provide condoms to at least ensure this part is helped-and to stop them nicking ours that we use for meets
Son is only 13. No idea which direction he’s gonna go right now-he’s adorable and in my head NEVER gonna have sex but he’d make beautiful babies both inside and out
MrsH
X |
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"Whatever makes them happy
So if your son and daughter wanted a relationship and were "happy", then you'd be fine with it?
? you would want your offspring to be unhappy ?
Don't care what mine do as long as they try not to cause harm and are happy doing whatever choices they make.
So just to be clear, you'd be fine with your own children in a sexual relationship together?
There is the do no harm clause, and it's a moot question as my two love each other as brother and sister, so long as they live in different houses with at least a mile separation. But if that was the only way they could be happy I wouldn't stop them. "
Well at least we're adding more conditions than "just be happy". The thing is that there are a lot. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Whatever makes them happy
So if your son and daughter wanted a relationship and were "happy", then you'd be fine with it?
? you would want your offspring to be unhappy ?
Don't care what mine do as long as they try not to cause harm and are happy doing whatever choices they make.
So just to be clear, you'd be fine with your own children in a sexual relationship together?
There is the do no harm clause, and it's a moot question as my two love each other as brother and sister, so long as they live in different houses with at least a mile separation. But if that was the only way they could be happy I wouldn't stop them.
Well at least we're adding more conditions than "just be happy". The thing is that there are a lot. "
I don't think there is a lot, except in porn where it seems the current shock horror fashion at the moment. I think it is actually quite rare, and mostly harmless on the very few occasions when it happens. |
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"Whatever makes them happy
So if your son and daughter wanted a relationship and were "happy", then you'd be fine with it?
? you would want your offspring to be unhappy ?
Don't care what mine do as long as they try not to cause harm and are happy doing whatever choices they make.
So just to be clear, you'd be fine with your own children in a sexual relationship together?
There is the do no harm clause, and it's a moot question as my two love each other as brother and sister, so long as they live in different houses with at least a mile separation. But if that was the only way they could be happy I wouldn't stop them.
Well at least we're adding more conditions than "just be happy". The thing is that there are a lot.
I don't think there is a lot, except in porn where it seems the current shock horror fashion at the moment. I think it is actually quite rare, and mostly harmless on the very few occasions when it happens."
Depends how broad you want to make "do no harm"? Do no harm directly? Or indirectly as well? Intentionally or recklessly as well? If you make "do no harm" broad enough to include indirect and reckless behaviour then fine. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Depends how broad you want to make "do no harm"? Do no harm directly? Or indirectly as well? Intentionally or recklessly as well? If you make "do no harm" broad enough to include indirect and reckless behaviour then fine. "
Well actually the mantra I brought my kids up with was
Live your life, and try to do little harm.
No harm is not viable, we all step on ants at times. And if you don't live your life for you then you are doing harm to yourself.
We are not here long, they lost their mother in a car accident when very young so know to be happy today, because you may not have tomorrow. |
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"Depends how broad you want to make "do no harm"? Do no harm directly? Or indirectly as well? Intentionally or recklessly as well? If you make "do no harm" broad enough to include indirect and reckless behaviour then fine.
Well actually the mantra I brought my kids up with was
Live your life, and try to do little harm.
No harm is not viable, we all step on ants at times. And if you don't live your life for you then you are doing harm to yourself.
We are not here long, they lost their mother in a car accident when very young so know to be happy today, because you may not have tomorrow."
That's where the term reckless kicks in. There's room for honest mistakes in life, it's the mistakes that were bound to happen that annoy me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"That's where the term reckless kicks in. There's room for honest mistakes in life, it's the mistakes that were bound to happen that annoy me. "
Mistakes that were bound to happen are a part of children growing up, sometimes you have to allow an expected scraped knee in order to teach a life lesson.
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"That's where the term reckless kicks in. There's room for honest mistakes in life, it's the mistakes that were bound to happen that annoy me.
Mistakes that were bound to happen are a part of children growing up, sometimes you have to allow an expected scraped knee in order to teach a life lesson.
"
Lets me give you a clearer example of reckless behaviour so we're not talking past each other. People who have babies to "save" toxic relationships. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Lets me give you a clearer example of reckless behaviour so we're not talking past each other. People who have babies to "save" toxic relationships. "
In my book that is deliberate planned harm to at least 3 people.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"That's where the term reckless kicks in. There's room for honest mistakes in life, it's the mistakes that were bound to happen that annoy me.
Mistakes that were bound to happen are a part of children growing up, sometimes you have to allow an expected scraped knee in order to teach a life lesson.
Lets me give you a clearer example of reckless behaviour so we're not talking past each other. People who have babies to "save" toxic relationships. "
I had a baby after being together for 10yrs and we had a son. I knew we weren’t on the right track. But I did think it may bring us together , silly yes. But we weren’t toxic. Not every situation is black and white. |
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"That's where the term reckless kicks in. There's room for honest mistakes in life, it's the mistakes that were bound to happen that annoy me.
Mistakes that were bound to happen are a part of children growing up, sometimes you have to allow an expected scraped knee in order to teach a life lesson.
Lets me give you a clearer example of reckless behaviour so we're not talking past each other. People who have babies to "save" toxic relationships.
I had a baby after being together for 10yrs and we had a son. I knew we weren’t on the right track. But I did think it may bring us together , silly yes. But we weren’t toxic. Not every situation is black and white. "
I have absolutely no comprehension of how anyone could think something as stressful as raising a baby would bring two people closer together. Just at a basic point of logic, you know it's easier to get along with someone when things are not stressful, right? That's why holiday romances are so good. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"That's where the term reckless kicks in. There's room for honest mistakes in life, it's the mistakes that were bound to happen that annoy me.
Mistakes that were bound to happen are a part of children growing up, sometimes you have to allow an expected scraped knee in order to teach a life lesson.
Lets me give you a clearer example of reckless behaviour so we're not talking past each other. People who have babies to "save" toxic relationships.
I had a baby after being together for 10yrs and we had a son. I knew we weren’t on the right track. But I did think it may bring us together , silly yes. But we weren’t toxic. Not every situation is black and white.
I have absolutely no comprehension of how anyone could think something as stressful as raising a baby would bring two people closer together. Just at a basic point of logic, you know it's easier to get along with someone when things are not stressful, right? That's why holiday romances are so good. "
I was in love and thought It would bring us closer , we already had a 2 yr old and been together 10years. So as shocking as it may seem to you , others do think differently. I was truly deeply in love and fell pregnant and yes i thought it may (nievely) bring us closer. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Monogamy and promiscuity are not mutually exclusive. "
Also what is right in the morning, may be wrong in the afternoon... or next week.
So I am actually unqualified to advise my kids, but they survived me, and seem happy. |
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I wouldn't encourage them either way. Its their life to live and their path to find. All I can do is speak honestly about my life experiance on the subject (if they want to know). They can take what they like from it. |
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"That's where the term reckless kicks in. There's room for honest mistakes in life, it's the mistakes that were bound to happen that annoy me.
Mistakes that were bound to happen are a part of children growing up, sometimes you have to allow an expected scraped knee in order to teach a life lesson.
Lets me give you a clearer example of reckless behaviour so we're not talking past each other. People who have babies to "save" toxic relationships.
I had a baby after being together for 10yrs and we had a son. I knew we weren’t on the right track. But I did think it may bring us together , silly yes. But we weren’t toxic. Not every situation is black and white.
I have absolutely no comprehension of how anyone could think something as stressful as raising a baby would bring two people closer together. Just at a basic point of logic, you know it's easier to get along with someone when things are not stressful, right? That's why holiday romances are so good.
I was in love and thought It would bring us closer , we already had a 2 yr old and been together 10years. So as shocking as it may seem to you , others do think differently. I was truly deeply in love and fell pregnant and yes i thought it may (nievely) bring us closer. "
Well I'm not here to beat you up about it, but that is my opinion and I still can't follow your trail of logic. |
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By *vilgasamWoman
over a year ago
The dot in the i |
"Once your kids get to adolescence would you encourage them to more towards promiscuity or monogamy? "
I wouldn’t encourage either of those, I’d encourage her to think about what she’s doing, to be safe, to have the knowledge she needs to make informed decisions about things she’s peer pressured into, to be confident enough to decide what she does or doesn’t want for herself and not because others want her to |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Once your kids get to adolescence would you encourage them to more towards promiscuity or monogamy? "
Neither. I would encourage them to go out with their pals x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Teach them the importance of protection and let them sort it out just be ready for when (if you’re lucky) they want to talk to you about it. I really don’t want to know what mine get up to sexually, they’re all adults and have all found monogamous relationships work for them. I’ve even got to meet two of the girlfriends as long as I don’t come across them in my space (here) I’m happy. For me it’s a bit like knowing your parents are still having sex, everyone knows they probably are but you don’t want to know the details! |
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