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Things porn has taught us
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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That anything can be resolved with sex.
Late on rent? Sorted!
Step son going to reveal naughty secrets to hubby? Only one way to keep that schtum!
Driving instructor about to fail you? You know they'll soon overlook that near miss with the lady pushing the pram on a crossing. |
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"Women always wear high heels to bed 
I can never understand that one have you ever kept your shoes on when having sex  "
Christ no!!! I’m worried I’ll poke em in the eye!!!
Infact, my clothes come off far to easily to!!
Whoops... my bad!  |
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By *abioMan
over a year ago
Newcastle and Gateshead |
"Wearing socks whilst shaving is a cool look....
Also remember that if you are in a mfm, give the other dude a “hi-five”"
Shaving... meant bloody shaging!! Blooming auto correct |
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"If a woman stops and shits on your chest mid fuck, you should congratulate her rather than throw her out.
I presume we all watch that kind of thing.
Oh Jesus WHAT have you been watching!!!!! "
Just normal stuff, my mate was telling me about this kind of behaviour. Naturally I was disgusted of course and didn't want to hear another word about it. |
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"If a woman stops and shits on your chest mid fuck, you should congratulate her rather than throw her out.
I presume we all watch that kind of thing.
Oh Jesus WHAT have you been watching!!!!!
Just normal stuff, my mate was telling me about this kind of behaviour. Naturally I was disgusted of course and didn't want to hear another word about it. "
Lol. Time to find new friends? Lol |
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By *andonmessMan
over a year ago
A world all of his own |
Time flows differently during oral sex depending on the sex of the person receiving it;
Men = 15 minutes of deep throating and gagging.
Women = 2 seconds of licking that probably wouldn't even make a stamp stick. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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That you can tie a jealous partner to a chair with just a handkerchief and he wont be able to break free as you work through the football team infront of him. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"That you can tie a jealous partner to a chair with just a handkerchief and he wont be able to break free as you work through the football team infront of him. "
This gave me a good laugh. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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That women's intuition is real - they know exactly the split second to jump up off their backs ready and drop to their knees for a facial.
"That BDSM consists purely of calling someone names, tieing them up, slapping them about a bit and generally treating them like sub-humans (no pun intended!!)"
There was a time where BDSM porn was the polar opposite. Simpler times  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Women only love to be fucked to within an inch of their lives, and have to have the biggest cock in the world to gag on and stretch their homes."
Never understood why directors have them 'gagging' with as little as an inch of cock in their mouths |
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By *emini ManMan
over a year ago
There and to the left a bit |
"People who fuck in kitchens do so in the most modern, up to date, sparkling clean kitchen you have ever seen."
Except one of the items in it will have broke and need someone to come round with his "toolbox" and fix it |
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That walking in on a couple having sex automatically means you'll get to join in. Either you'll be invited to join or just whip your trousers off and simply join in anyway. Apparently no one will mind and you'll probably be enjoying anal and dp within minutes.
That women like to be forcefully face fucked until they're making noises that sound like Donald Duck drowning in a bathtub.
That watersports can be enjoyed in all rooms of the house.
That female bosses apparently wear stockings and suspenders and all kinds of sexy underwear under their clothes every day. |
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"Time flows differently during oral sex depending on the sex of the person receiving it;
Men = 15 minutes of deep throating and gagging.
Women = 2 seconds of licking that probably wouldn't even make a stamp stick."
Oh that’s very true! Lol |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"That being called into the bosses office "for a quiet word" either means you're going to get fucked or spanked or possibly both!!"
*sighs* there are times I really hate being my own boss  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Broken electrical appliances immediately start working when the repair man turns up.
No repair man sucks his teeth says mmmmm you've got problem here...it's going to be expensive
Repair men turn up when They say they will  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"That going to prison will make your wildest fantasies come true
I am howling at this one
"
Like seriously dying now - snorting,making seal noises,clapping hands,the whole shebang |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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That all women are fine to take it bareback with strangers/people they know little about, and that if a woman does swallow or take a facial the only alternative is to take a risk and potentially knock her up. |
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"That going to prison will make your wildest fantasies come true
I am howling at this one
Like seriously dying now - snorting,making seal noises,clapping hands,the whole shebang "
Circus porn, you didn't think those cream pies in the face were squirt cream now did ya? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"That going to prison will make your wildest fantasies come true
I am howling at this one
Like seriously dying now - snorting,making seal noises,clapping hands,the whole shebang
Circus porn, you didn't think those cream pies in the face were squirt cream now did ya?"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"That if you frantically finger blast a woman she will eventually squirt "
That's another - apparently all women squirt, and it takes no effort beyond mercilessly rubbing her pussy and finger stabbing her. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"That if you frantically finger blast a woman she will eventually squirt "
No hun, that’s not it. There’s a technique to making a woman squirt, rather than finger straight in, you need to actually finger up hitting the top wall of the pussy xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"That if you frantically finger blast a woman she will eventually squirt
No hun, that’s not it. There’s a technique to making a woman squirt, rather than finger straight in, you need to actually finger up hitting the top wall of the pussy xx"
The g spot x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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No one ever has slightly dodgy, seen better days underwear. And bosoms and bottoms always heave out of our everyday micro skirts and crop tops. Men spend their days topless. |
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Job interviews today are always just about having instant sex, sometimes with colleagues joining in, where the interviewee gets jack-hammered moments after a welcome.
Everyone loves cum in their eyes - to make you flatter your lashes more.
Tourists and people about town relish being ambushed by a guy with a camera, without concern for car parking running over, seeing the beauty of the city you are in etc, when flashing your genitals to a pushy stranger is compulsive in public spots, losing your anonymity for life, via streamed films. Said bloke will offer a fiver for bareback, which seems a great idea too.
Random young men will accept any similar proposal, especially in the Czech republic, UK and USA.
All pedestrians get into a bait bus, to relieve tired feet, eagerly have a blindfold put on them and have sex, getting surprised by who is really noshing them etc.
No electrical or mechanical appliance is ever reliable enough to justify purchase.
All bosses and lecturers are perverts.
Everyone loves cum |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"No one ever farts on camera.
After the guy cream pies her and pulls out you never here that impression of a wet 'Bill and Ben'
"
I beg to differ! Please see "Brazilian fart porn" for further info |
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"No one ever farts on camera.
After the guy cream pies her and pulls out you never here that impression of a wet 'Bill and Ben'
I beg to differ! Please see "Brazilian fart porn" for further info "
Yeah seen it but I don't watch that shit. It's off the scale for me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"No one ever farts on camera.
After the guy cream pies her and pulls out you never here that impression of a wet 'Bill and Ben'
I beg to differ! Please see "Brazilian fart porn" for further info
Yeah seen it but I don't watch that shit. It's off the scale for me."
I think the "shit" part is a whole other genre |
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Anyone who owns a log cabin can shag for hours and his wife wont take any notice of him shagging the cleaning woman over the breakfast bar while she puts the wine in the cooler compartment for dinner later.
Any object from a cucumber to a bicycle pump can be used as a stand-in dildo. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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That if you have kids you’ll get a hot young babysitter that the wife won’t mind you giving her a lift home on your own.
And the same babysitter will either fuck the husband, or will let the husband and wife join in if the babysitter is caught fucking her boyfriend.
Or that during the fucking of the babysitter at no time will all the yelling will wake the kid up and make them walk in on the sexfest |
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It taught me a sexual technique which transcends all genres of porn and is the most done technique and applies to all positions. Where all partners concerned stop absolutely still for 2 to 5 minutes before continuing on and onto the happy ending. The almighty buffering! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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That if you breakdown near a Monastery or a Nunnery the Monks/Nuns will be happy to fuck you senseless until the Mechanic gets there and joins in the fun before going on to also fix the car.
No matter what position you and your lover strike in the shower, you will not fall and break a leg/tile/curtain rail.
Fucking in the bath never causes a tidal wave.
High heels do not puncture sofas.
If someone walks past the window as you’re being rogered over the table, they’ll pretend to be shocked, do a double take and then furiously finger/wank themselves off in broad daylight, outside said window.
Nobody ever yells “ow!!! Get the fuck off my hair!!” when a hot stud kneels on it as he feeds them his cock. |
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