i posted this on ireland forum aswell,,
HOW TO COOK A TURKEY:
First, buy the turkey and a bottle of whiskey. Pour yourself a glass of whiskey and put the turkey in the oven. Take another 2 drinks of whiskey, and set the degree at 375 ovens. Have 3 more whiskeys of drink and turn the oven on. Take 4 whisks of drinky and turk the bastey. Stick a turkey in the thermometer, and glass yourself a pour of whiskey. Bake the whiskey for 4 hours, take the oven out of the turkey, and floor the turkey up off the pick. Pour yourself another glass of turkey. Now just tet the sable, and turk the carvey! yur vari walcum! 
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dam beaten to it again lol,
A dad on his way home wants to buy his daughter a barbie. He stops at a toyshop and noticed that there was a shopping barbie, beach barbie,disco barbie which were all £19.95 but a divorce barbie which was £264.95 "why is this one so much more?"asks the man. The salesman answers"thats because divorce barbie comes with ken's car, ken's house, ken's boat, ken's computer, ken's furniture and even ken's fuckin' best mate
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