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By *r_PinkMan
over a year ago
london stratford |
A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted. |
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Bought a racing snail last week. Bad investment. Came second to last in his first race. For his second race I removed his shell to make him more streamlined. Didn't work. He came last. Seemed to make him more sluggish  |
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A man was walking past a nudist colony which had a 10 ft fence .
He could hear laughing and cheering and they were all chanting “ sixty nine , sixty nine, sixty nine “
Wow he thought I didn’t think it was that kind of place . His curiosity got the better of him .and he wanted to see what was happening.
He noticed a knot hole in the fence .
He looked around to see if anyone was watching . Then he put his eye up to the hole.
Where he was promptly poked in the eye by a finger , and the sound of a big cheer and everyone chanting
“Seventy seventy seventy ...
I’m here all week  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I saw this guy walking along the pavement outside my flat, shaking powder all over the street from a large box.
Curious, I called out of the window "What are you doing?"
"It's elephant powder," he said.
"But ...", I say, "there aren't any elephants around here."
"I know," says the guy. "Good stuff isn't it" |
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By *jl1972Man
over a year ago
Bournemouth |
A couple go into a restaurant and a waiter comes over to take their order. A few minutes later the soup course arrives. Unfortunately the man drops his soup spoon. He asks the waiter for another one who instantly takes one out of his pocket.
"Thats very efficient!" exclaims the man.
"Thankyou sir, people often drop their spoons so I keep one in my pocket to save time" he replys as the man starts eating his soup.
The waiter is just leaving the table when the man notices something.
"Excuse me but I can't help noticing, but you seem to have a piece of string hanging from your flies" the man queries.
"Yes, that's another time saver, the other end is tied to my penis. When I go to the toilet I pull on it and it saves having to touch my penis and wash my hands after".
"Thats a great idea" replies the man, but just as the waiter turns to go he asks "but how do you get it back in again"?
"Oh that's easy" says the waiter, "I just use the soup spoon".
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Newly weds have a night of passion on first night of honeymoon...
Husband comes down to breakfast in the hotel they are staying in.
Taking his seat he proceeds to give his order to the waiter... The waiter then enquires Wether he would like to order for his wife who is yet to arrive.
Good idea exclaims the husband... I'll order a plate of lettuce for my wife.. If you don't mind me asking that's an unusual order for breakfast enquires the waiter.... Not at all replies the husband I just want to see if she eats like a rabbit as well. |
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One day in the future, Donald trump has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil." You're on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Donald thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Barack Obama and a large pool of urine. Barack kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed as if he was looking for the plug. Over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Donald said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and it would ruin my hair. I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was George W Bush with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I have never done a physical days work and would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Donald.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Donald saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Donald looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said…
"OK, Monica, you're free to go." |
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