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Im in a quandary
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So not very often i ask for advice but here goes.
One of my close friends daughters has confided in me that she has fallen in love with a woman. Shes asked me not to tell her mum as she doesnt think she will be happy. The woman is someone she started chatting to on the internet as friends and things have developed. She hasnt met her yet as she lives a good distance but has plans to in august. Date has been set for her to go down.
Now the background on the girl.
She is 28 and never had a boyfriend. Shes a quiet girl and lovely but doesnt have any real friends. She does keep herself busy and active. She also has bipolar this is why we have a bond.
Now i would love it to be something that works develops and has a happy ending. However, part of me is saying here is a vulnerable woman who isnt used to being given attention is emotionally lonely and has fallen in love with the first person to show her attention. I dont want her to get hurt.
Now the quandary i have is 1. Ive told her im sure her mum will be ok about it. But i cant reassure her that her mum definetly will be. Because i dont know how her mum will react. Im sure i know how she will but people can go against the grain.
Anyway this is what ive done so far. Ive said to her to when she goes and sees this woman to go with an open mind and just treat it as a friendship and see what happens and that sometimes things on the internet can be different in real life.
As far as her mum goes a group of us are away for the weekend next weekend and im going to try and test the water.
So what else do you think i can do? I cant confide in any of my other friends as i dont want to break the girls trust or have it that if it came out that we knew and the girls mother didnt.
I just dont want to see this naive vulnerable girl get damaged |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Hi,we would be more worried it was a man not a woman ( its the Fab effect  )"
I agree with this totally and has happened to a friend's daughter who also is a vulnerable person |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'd ask the mum for advice- about another woman who is gay but daren't tell her parents. Although this could be risky as when she finds out she'll know her daughter confided in you.
Does she know for sure that the internet person is really a woman? If she doesn't get out much she may be too trusting and may have missed clues that it's someone dodgy.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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That's a tricky situation to be in! Firstly you can't protect people forever sometimes we just have to let them experience life/love and the joy and pain it can bring.All you can really do is be right there to catch the girl if she falls so to speak. As for the mother I'd sound her out on her views about same sex relationships but whatever happens she will have to accept the fact that her daughter may be gay or it will drive a wedge between them. Personally I'd be more concerned about the friend actually being who she says she is? |
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"I'd ask the mum for advice- about another woman who is gay but daren't tell her parents. Although this could be risky as when she finds out she'll know her daughter confided in you.
Does she know for sure that the internet person is really a woman? If she doesn't get out much she may be too trusting and may have missed clues that it's someone dodgy.
"
oh its definetly a woman they spend hours on the phone and cam. |
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"However, part of me is saying here is a vulnerable woman who isnt used to being given attention is emotionally lonely and has fallen in love with the first person to show her attention. I dont want her to get hurt. "
This is most likely true. |
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By *lceeWoman
over a year ago
Leeds |
You’re well-versed yourself in internet safety, you’ve had a frank talk to her about the potential pitfalls but counselled her to be open to it. You’ve done everything you can.
Will your friend be upset if she finds out that her daughter confided in you rather than her? Yes, of course. Unwittingly, your friend’s daughter has put you in a very awkward position. Sounds like the poor girl needed to talk to someone, though.
She is in her late twenties and while this might be a mistake, she needs to make them. Just make sure you know exactly where she is and that she has someone she can message to signal she is safe. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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At first, I was shocked but at 28 and never having a boyfriend should have given off signals. She/he is quiet makes me laugh as parents always use that when they have no idea of the social circles the younger generation in question interacts with, even within the confines of their bedroom. Once the parent accepts her child for being the person she has always been you the quiet individual will become less so.
It is more freeing for the girl to come out of hiding. Great if mother accepts but even if she didn't, yes it's sad but the lady can't go another 28 years being the quiet kid. It's great she's confided in you and will give her more confidence going forward to be who she has always been. |
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"You’re well-versed yourself in internet safety, you’ve had a frank talk to her about the potential pitfalls but counselled her to be open to it. You’ve done everything you can.
Will your friend be upset if she finds out that her daughter confided in you rather than her? Yes, of course. Unwittingly, your friend’s daughter has put you in a very awkward position. Sounds like the poor girl needed to talk to someone, though.
She is in her late twenties and while this might be a mistake, she needs to make them. Just make sure you know exactly where she is and that she has someone she can message to signal she is safe."
Yes. I think im going to just concentrate on her safety while she is there |
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"At first, I was shocked but at 28 and never having a boyfriend should have given off signals. She/he is quiet makes me laugh as parents always use that when they have no idea of the social circles the younger generation in question interacts with, even within the confines of their bedroom. Once the parent accepts her child for being the person she has always been you the quiet individual will become less so.
It is more freeing for the girl to come out of hiding. Great if mother accepts but even if she didn't, yes it's sad but the lady can't go another 28 years being the quiet kid. It's great she's confided in you and will give her more confidence going forward to be who she has always been."
this is nothing to do with the fact shes never had a boyfriend because shes gay. Shes never had feelings for a woman before |
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She's 28 all you can do is give her advice and ask her to be wary. It's no different to any other friend, you should keep her confidence and offer to be her phone contact if she feels things aren't going well. You can't prevent another person experiencing hurt its how we become less naive and sheltered. |
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By *j48Man
over a year ago
Wigan |
She is 28 and never had a boyfriend. Shes a quiet girl and lovely but doesnt have any real friends. She does keep herself busy and active. She also has bipolar this is why we have a bond.
Now i would love it to be something that works develops and has a happy ending. However, part of me is saying here is a vulnerable woman who isnt used to being given attention is emotionally lonely and has fallen in love with the first person to show her attention. I dont want her to get hurt
Looks like you have already identified the possible danger she could be in here - if the other "woman" is indeed her freind she can come to her and meet up perhaps at your house?
Suggest it to her and her to her "friend" if she vanishes off line or comes up with a ton of excuses, it's probably a predatory man - just being realistic
Not worth the risk considering she's not capabale of making friends on her own so how come she's "in love" with someone she's never met
Forget it - it's a pipedream |
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"How old is the woman? Why can't she come up to see your friend? Sounds like your friend has to go to the woman."
the woman is 30 and from what i understand she is going down to her as she lives by the sea and sees it as a break
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You’ve probably already done this but just make sure she knows rules about safety when meeting someone from the internet.
As to talking to her mum, I would leave that to her. "
This.
I wouldn’t even broach the subject with mum. It can go wrong and could lose you both the relationships even when coming from a place of goodwill, and it’s been explicitly asked that you don’t. Just be an ear and support in terms of safety. |
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"You’ve probably already done this but just make sure she knows rules about safety when meeting someone from the internet.
As to talking to her mum, I would leave that to her.
This.
I wouldn’t even broach the subject with mum. It can go wrong and could lose you both the relationships even when coming from a place of goodwill, and it’s been explicitly asked that you don’t. Just be an ear and support in terms of safety. "
maybe i didnt make myself clear enough. Ive absolutly no intention of telling her mum |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"She's 28 all you can do is give her advice and ask her to be wary. It's no different to any other friend, you should keep her confidence and offer to be her phone contact if she feels things aren't going well. You can't prevent another person experiencing hurt its how we become less naive and sheltered. "
Agreed. Putting cotton wool around people can cause harm too. We all have to learn the ups and downs of romantic attachment, surely that’s the exquisite pain of life? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"You’ve probably already done this but just make sure she knows rules about safety when meeting someone from the internet.
As to talking to her mum, I would leave that to her.
This.
I wouldn’t even broach the subject with mum. It can go wrong and could lose you both the relationships even when coming from a place of goodwill, and it’s been explicitly asked that you don’t. Just be an ear and support in terms of safety. maybe i didnt make myself clear enough. Ive absolutly no intention of telling her mum"
You did. Broaching, I mean having the “general sussing our views on same sex type discussion” - I didn’t mean that you were going to tell her outright. Sorry, if I wasn’t clear. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"She's 28 all you can do is give her advice and ask her to be wary. It's no different to any other friend, you should keep her confidence and offer to be her phone contact if she feels things aren't going well. You can't prevent another person experiencing hurt its how we become less naive and sheltered.
Agreed. Putting cotton wool around people can cause harm too. We all have to learn the ups and downs of romantic attachment, surely that’s the exquisite pain of life?"
Yes, exactly this!
Do you consider her a vulnerable woman because of her bi-polar disorder?
I understand the connection and bond that you have with her and the urge to keep them safe is a primal parental (or in this case; guardian of sorts) drive. The hardest thing sometimes is to let them make their own mistakes but it’s something that people have to do.
Just make sure that you’re there to help if it goes wrong. |
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"She's 28 all you can do is give her advice and ask her to be wary. It's no different to any other friend, you should keep her confidence and offer to be her phone contact if she feels things aren't going well. You can't prevent another person experiencing hurt its how we become less naive and sheltered.
Agreed. Putting cotton wool around people can cause harm too. We all have to learn the ups and downs of romantic attachment, surely that’s the exquisite pain of life?
Yes, exactly this!
Do you consider her a vulnerable woman because of her bi-polar disorder?
I understand the connection and bond that you have with her and the urge to keep them safe is a primal parental (or in this case; guardian of sorts) drive. The hardest thing sometimes is to let them make their own mistakes but it’s something that people have to do.
Just make sure that you’re there to help if it goes wrong. "
she has a history of suicide attempts |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So not very often i ask for advice but here goes.
One of my close friends daughters has confided in me that she has fallen in love with a woman. Shes asked me not to tell her mum as she doesnt think she will be happy. The woman is someone she started chatting to on the internet as friends and things have developed. She hasnt met her yet as she lives a good distance but has plans to in august. Date has been set for her to go down.
Now the background on the girl.
She is 28 and never had a boyfriend. Shes a quiet girl and lovely but doesnt have any real friends. She does keep herself busy and active. She also has bipolar this is why we have a bond.
Now i would love it to be something that works develops and has a happy ending. However, part of me is saying here is a vulnerable woman who isnt used to being given attention is emotionally lonely and has fallen in love with the first person to show her attention. I dont want her to get hurt.
Now the quandary i have is 1. Ive told her im sure her mum will be ok about it. But i cant reassure her that her mum definetly will be. Because i dont know how her mum will react. Im sure i know how she will but people can go against the grain.
Anyway this is what ive done so far. Ive said to her to when she goes and sees this woman to go with an open mind and just treat it as a friendship and see what happens and that sometimes things on the internet can be different in real life.
As far as her mum goes a group of us are away for the weekend next weekend and im going to try and test the water.
So what else do you think i can do? I cant confide in any of my other friends as i dont want to break the girls trust or have it that if it came out that we knew and the girls mother didnt.
I just dont want to see this naive vulnerable girl get damaged "
In all honesty, I would be suspicious of this other woman. She may well be grooming your friends daughter, for what is anybody’s guess. Not all grooming victims are children. Why don’t you ask if you too can be introduced to this woman on the pretense of getting to know her so when the time comes you can tell her mum that’s she’s a nice person or whatever. I know you do get genuine people online but for this girl to say she’s fallen in love without even meeting this person stinks of mind games and grooming by the other party. If she’s got nothing to hide then she’ll be happy to talk to a friend won’t she. She some carefully planned questions for her too. I wouldn’t allow this girl to go to meet her alone, offer to escort her and let this other person know that she’ll be accompanied, see how she reacts. I could waffle on all day about this but I won’t. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'd ask the mum for advice- about another woman who is gay but daren't tell her parents. Although this could be risky as when she finds out she'll know her daughter confided in you.
Does she know for sure that the internet person is really a woman? If she doesn't get out much she may be too trusting and may have missed clues that it's someone dodgy.
oh its definetly a woman they spend hours on the phone and cam. "
That means nothing, there was a recent case at crown court where a woman pretended to be a man to con another girl into a relationship, whenever they had sex the fake man set strict rules such as blindfold, no lights, no touching etc and she would fuck the other with a strap on. The relationship went on for some time until the lies unfolded, she was eventually jailed for ra pe. Some vulnerable adults will believe anything and they will see only what they want to see. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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She is twenty eight , not a child! You must let her find her own path in life. It is difficult to stand on the side lines. Be there for her with a shoulder to cry on if it goes wrong. Be there for her with a smile for her if it works out! |
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"She's 28 all you can do is give her advice and ask her to be wary. It's no different to any other friend, you should keep her confidence and offer to be her phone contact if she feels things aren't going well. You can't prevent another person experiencing hurt its how we become less naive and sheltered.
Agreed. Putting cotton wool around people can cause harm too. We all have to learn the ups and downs of romantic attachment, surely that’s the exquisite pain of life?
Yes, exactly this!
Do you consider her a vulnerable woman because of her bi-polar disorder?
I understand the connection and bond that you have with her and the urge to keep them safe is a primal parental (or in this case; guardian of sorts) drive. The hardest thing sometimes is to let them make their own mistakes but it’s something that people have to do.
Just make sure that you’re there to help if it goes wrong. she has a history of suicide attempts"
Is it a safeguarding issue as far as you're concerned then? I'm not understanding how vulnerable she is, would you say she isn't a responsible adult capable of making decisions that will keep her safe?
If she's as vulnerable as this latest information makes her seem I don't think you have a choice. You need to tell her mother or her case worker if she has one. |
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"She's 28 all you can do is give her advice and ask her to be wary. It's no different to any other friend, you should keep her confidence and offer to be her phone contact if she feels things aren't going well. You can't prevent another person experiencing hurt its how we become less naive and sheltered.
Agreed. Putting cotton wool around people can cause harm too. We all have to learn the ups and downs of romantic attachment, surely that’s the exquisite pain of life?
Yes, exactly this!
Do you consider her a vulnerable woman because of her bi-polar disorder?
I understand the connection and bond that you have with her and the urge to keep them safe is a primal parental (or in this case; guardian of sorts) drive. The hardest thing sometimes is to let them make their own mistakes but it’s something that people have to do.
Just make sure that you’re there to help if it goes wrong. she has a history of suicide attempts
Is it a safeguarding issue as far as you're concerned then? I'm not understanding how vulnerable she is, would you say she isn't a responsible adult capable of making decisions that will keep her safe?
If she's as vulnerable as this latest information makes her seem I don't think you have a choice. You need to tell her mother or her case worker if she has one. "
she is capable of making her own decisions. She lives completly independantly. Shes actually in a good place at the moment. In the last year shes made positive changes. I guess im just scared it might put her back to where she was. Maybe im being over protective as i dont want her to go through the things ive been through. She does have a cpn so i will ask her to talk to them about it. Id forgotten about that |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"She is twenty eight , not a child! You must let her find her own path in life. It is difficult to stand on the side lines. Be there for her with a shoulder to cry on if it goes wrong. Be there for her with a smile for her if it works out! "
Hard to find your own way in life when you’re being tied up and stran gled. It happens. Remember the serving copper who met a guy online and went to meet him in his lunch hour, all they found were his teeth in a bath of acid. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"She's 28 all you can do is give her advice and ask her to be wary. It's no different to any other friend, you should keep her confidence and offer to be her phone contact if she feels things aren't going well. You can't prevent another person experiencing hurt its how we become less naive and sheltered.
Agreed. Putting cotton wool around people can cause harm too. We all have to learn the ups and downs of romantic attachment, surely that’s the exquisite pain of life?
Yes, exactly this!
Do you consider her a vulnerable woman because of her bi-polar disorder?
I understand the connection and bond that you have with her and the urge to keep them safe is a primal parental (or in this case; guardian of sorts) drive. The hardest thing sometimes is to let them make their own mistakes but it’s something that people have to do.
Just make sure that you’re there to help if it goes wrong. she has a history of suicide attempts
Is it a safeguarding issue as far as you're concerned then? I'm not understanding how vulnerable she is, would you say she isn't a responsible adult capable of making decisions that will keep her safe?
If she's as vulnerable as this latest information makes her seem I don't think you have a choice. You need to tell her mother or her case worker if she has one. "
I agree with this. She may be 28 years old physically, but she doesn't sound it mentally but you know her better than me. From a selfish point of view, I would be happier betraying her trust to her mother, than take the responsibility for her well-being in this situation. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"She's 28 all you can do is give her advice and ask her to be wary. It's no different to any other friend, you should keep her confidence and offer to be her phone contact if she feels things aren't going well. You can't prevent another person experiencing hurt its how we become less naive and sheltered.
Agreed. Putting cotton wool around people can cause harm too. We all have to learn the ups and downs of romantic attachment, surely that’s the exquisite pain of life?
Yes, exactly this!
Do you consider her a vulnerable woman because of her bi-polar disorder?
I understand the connection and bond that you have with her and the urge to keep them safe is a primal parental (or in this case; guardian of sorts) drive. The hardest thing sometimes is to let them make their own mistakes but it’s something that people have to do.
Just make sure that you’re there to help if it goes wrong. she has a history of suicide attempts
Is it a safeguarding issue as far as you're concerned then? I'm not understanding how vulnerable she is, would you say she isn't a responsible adult capable of making decisions that will keep her safe?
If she's as vulnerable as this latest information makes her seem I don't think you have a choice. You need to tell her mother or her case worker if she has one. she is capable of making her own decisions. She lives completly independantly. Shes actually in a good place at the moment. In the last year shes made positive changes. I guess im just scared it might put her back to where she was. Maybe im being over protective as i dont want her to go through the things ive been through. She does have a cpn so i will ask her to talk to them about it. Id forgotten about that"
What is a cpn? Sounds like a good plan to involve someone else that can look out for her. It's good that she's confided in you. Also good idea from someone else about you being her contact point on the phone while she's away. |
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"She's 28 all you can do is give her advice and ask her to be wary. It's no different to any other friend, you should keep her confidence and offer to be her phone contact if she feels things aren't going well. You can't prevent another person experiencing hurt its how we become less naive and sheltered.
Agreed. Putting cotton wool around people can cause harm too. We all have to learn the ups and downs of romantic attachment, surely that’s the exquisite pain of life?
Yes, exactly this!
Do you consider her a vulnerable woman because of her bi-polar disorder?
I understand the connection and bond that you have with her and the urge to keep them safe is a primal parental (or in this case; guardian of sorts) drive. The hardest thing sometimes is to let them make their own mistakes but it’s something that people have to do.
Just make sure that you’re there to help if it goes wrong. she has a history of suicide attempts
Is it a safeguarding issue as far as you're concerned then? I'm not understanding how vulnerable she is, would you say she isn't a responsible adult capable of making decisions that will keep her safe?
If she's as vulnerable as this latest information makes her seem I don't think you have a choice. You need to tell her mother or her case worker if she has one. she is capable of making her own decisions. She lives completly independantly. Shes actually in a good place at the moment. In the last year shes made positive changes. I guess im just scared it might put her back to where she was. Maybe im being over protective as i dont want her to go through the things ive been through. She does have a cpn so i will ask her to talk to them about it. Id forgotten about that
What is a cpn? Sounds like a good plan to involve someone else that can look out for her. It's good that she's confided in you. Also good idea from someone else about you being her contact point on the phone while she's away. "
community physciatric nurse |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Encouraging her to access her professional support via CPN is a very good shout, and they would be qualified to action any concern. In my experience though, everyone is absolutely entitled to make decisions that others might deem to be bad choices if they want, and that right should not be infringed upon without due process and qualified capacity assessment. You’re worried with good intent, and listening, encouraging her to be safe and additionally speak to CPN, but beyond that she has every right to go and experience what could be a wonderful or disappointing experience. It’s her life, and her diagnosis and previous periods of crisis should not mean she should be dissuaded from living, in all the ways it can be. |
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"She's 28 all you can do is give her advice and ask her to be wary. It's no different to any other friend, you should keep her confidence and offer to be her phone contact if she feels things aren't going well. You can't prevent another person experiencing hurt its how we become less naive and sheltered.
Agreed. Putting cotton wool around people can cause harm too. We all have to learn the ups and downs of romantic attachment, surely that’s the exquisite pain of life?
Yes, exactly this!
Do you consider her a vulnerable woman because of her bi-polar disorder?
I understand the connection and bond that you have with her and the urge to keep them safe is a primal parental (or in this case; guardian of sorts) drive. The hardest thing sometimes is to let them make their own mistakes but it’s something that people have to do.
Just make sure that you’re there to help if it goes wrong. she has a history of suicide attempts
Is it a safeguarding issue as far as you're concerned then? I'm not understanding how vulnerable she is, would you say she isn't a responsible adult capable of making decisions that will keep her safe?
If she's as vulnerable as this latest information makes her seem I don't think you have a choice. You need to tell her mother or her case worker if she has one. she is capable of making her own decisions. She lives completly independantly. Shes actually in a good place at the moment. In the last year shes made positive changes. I guess im just scared it might put her back to where she was. Maybe im being over protective as i dont want her to go through the things ive been through. She does have a cpn so i will ask her to talk to them about it. Id forgotten about that"
I can see that you don't want her to experience the bad things that you have and understand how you feel. I don't want our kids to experience bad stuff. There's afine line to be trodden and I don't think that under the circumstances it's possible for you to promise her confidentiality. You either need to do what you think is needed to keep her safe or wash your hands of it. I don't think there's a middle way.
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Id actually completly forgotten she has a cpn so thats what im going to do. Im also going to make sure she has contact points while shes down there. I can see im also over invested because of my experiences. But in still here to tell the tail.
Just going to hope it works out for her. Thanks eceryone |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Id actually completly forgotten she has a cpn so thats what im going to do. Im also going to make sure she has contact points while shes down there. I can see im also over invested because of my experiences. But in still here to tell the tail.
Just going to hope it works out for her. Thanks eceryone"
Be gentle with yourself too, worrying about someone else when they’ve leant on you and you’re supporting them is draining (I don’t mean that it’s not worth doing, just that it can exhaust you too), so make sure you’re okay. Hope all goes well. |
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"Id actually completly forgotten she has a cpn so thats what im going to do. Im also going to make sure she has contact points while shes down there. I can see im also over invested because of my experiences. But in still here to tell the tail.
Just going to hope it works out for her. Thanks eceryone
Be gentle with yourself too, worrying about someone else when they’ve leant on you and you’re supporting them is draining (I don’t mean that it’s not worth doing, just that it can exhaust you too), so make sure you’re okay. Hope all goes well. "
thanks. |
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The way I see it, if she hadn’t have informed you she’d still probably go either way. At least she’s not ‘sneaking’ as such and has you as a point of contact rather than going there secretly.
Yes, she’s possibly a little more vulnerable than the next woman but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t know about love (take Down’s syndrome people or the autistic ones from ‘the undateables’ as an example).
Just be there for her. Even people with a mental illness have a life to live too.
You’re an amazing lady and that shows through the mere fact that she feels comfortable in confiding such a big secret with you. Xx |
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"The way I see it, if she hadn’t have informed you she’d still probably go either way. At least she’s not ‘sneaking’ as such and has you as a point of contact rather than going there secretly.
Yes, she’s possibly a little more vulnerable than the next woman but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t know about love (take Down’s syndrome people or the autistic ones from ‘the undateables’ as an example).
Just be there for her. Even people with a mental illness have a life to live too.
You’re an amazing lady and that shows through the mere fact that she feels comfortable in confiding such a big secret with you. Xx"
thankyou. Ive got a clear mind now. It was all rumbling around in my head earlier |
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"Hi,we would be more worried it was a man not a woman ( its the Fab effect )"
I agree. Could you not go with her to meet this person. sit across the coffee shop/bar etc and observe body language etc x
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for the support you are giving her. 