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Anyone got any new jokes?
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Three builders, 1 bald, 1 brunette and 1 blonde, sitting at the top of the scaffolding open up their lunch boxes.
"For fucks sake" says the bald guy, "peanut butter again, if she gives me peanut butter once more, I'm going to jump of this fucking scaffolding!"
The brunette guy looks in his lunch box, "Salmon paste, I hate salmon paste, I'll join you mate!"
The blonde guy looks at his sandwiches, "banana and jam, fuck me, I'll jump too!"
The next day they open up their lunch boxes, look at each other and jump.
A week later, at the guys joint funeral the widow's comfort each other. The bald guys wife starts to cry, "if only he'd told me he didn't like peanut butter, I would have made him something else. I miss him so much!"
The brunette guys wife starts to cry, I only gave him salmon paste because I thought he liked it, why didn't he say something".
The blonde guys wife starts to cry "I miss him so much, I don't understand why he jumped, he used to make his own sandwiches!" |
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By *uciyassMan
over a year ago
sheffield |
One night, Mrs Murphy answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Sean, standing on the doorstep.
"Hello Sean but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"
Sean shook his head. "Ah Mrs Murphy, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"
Mrs Murphy starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"
Sean shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"
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By *AYENCouple
over a year ago
Lincolnshire |
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the
largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the
ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago." |
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"A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a
gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to
leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the
largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the
ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the **** out of all of you!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago.""
Haha  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Three builders, 1 bald, 1 brunette and 1 blonde, sitting at the top of the scaffolding open up their lunch boxes.
"For fucks sake" says the bald guy, "peanut butter again, if she gives me peanut butter once more, I'm going to jump of this fucking scaffolding!"
The brunette guy looks in his lunch box, "Salmon paste, I hate salmon paste, I'll join you mate!"
The blonde guy looks at his sandwiches, "banana and jam, fuck me, I'll jump too!"
The next day they open up their lunch boxes, look at each other and jump.
A week later, at the guys joint funeral the widow's comfort each other. The bald guys wife starts to cry, "if only he'd told me he didn't like peanut butter, I would have made him something else. I miss him so much!"
The brunette guys wife starts to cry, I only gave him salmon paste because I thought he liked it, why didn't he say something".
The blonde guys wife starts to cry "I miss him so much, I don't understand why he jumped, he used to make his own sandwiches!""
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Donald trump was assigned a new CIA bodyguard on his first day a man approached trump with a gun the guard shouted Mickey Mouse and the gunman turned road allowing another guard to tackle him to the ground
That night the CIA boss called in the new man why on earth did you shout Mickey Mouse
The reply was sorry boss I meant to shout out Donald Duck  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It looks like Southgate is going to start the Sweden game with Sterling in the starting eleven .
I know that’s not very funny , but is certainly a joke ! "
oooooooh topical |
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By *hechapMan
over a year ago
Derry |
Paddy the Irishman was starting a new job on a building site and was getting picked up at an arranged location at 7am.
A van pulls up and the driver shouts "Are you Paddy, do you know where your going"
Paddy looks at him then looks down at his old work clothes and his lunch box and shouts back "I am Paddy and i can tell you i am going fukin nowhere" |
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"Knock knock
Whos their?????
The chicken
The chicken who? "
You need to read the full home
It's a chicken crossing the road and knock knock mashup
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiots house
Knock knock
It's the chicken
Aka who ever says who's there is the idiot.
My Daughter made it up years ago when she was 7 or 8 |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My wife caught me in bed with the neighbour.
"It's not as bad as it looks love, honest!" I said.
"Oh yeah?!" she shouted. "Just how much fucking worse can it be?"
"Erm. Your sister's hiding in the wardrobe and your mum's under the bed!" |
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I was sitting in a bar one day and two quite large ladies came in, talking in an interesting accent.
So I said "that's a cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland? "
One of them snarled at me "it's Wales dummy"
So I corrected myself immediately "that's a cool accent, are you two Whales from Ireland?"
That's all I can remember...... |
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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago
Craggy Island |
"Scotsman, Irishman and a Welshman walk into a bar, there's usually an Englishman too but he's at the World Cup  "
It should be a German, Spaniard and Portuguese man are at the bar It should be an English man but he STILL at the world cup. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Two Irish men walking down the road, one says to the other how high do you think that lamppost is? His mate says it's got to be about 20foot I think the other one says I recon it's more like 30foot! Just then a man walks past and askes what are they doing looking up at a lamppost, so they tell him, he says well lads I've got a tape measure so pull the pin out of the bottom lay it down and I will measure it, after measuring the lamppost he says it's 24feet then walks off, both the Irish lads turn to each other and say daft fucker we wanted the hight not the length  |
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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago
Craggy Island |
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.
Q: What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
A: A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: Slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.
Q: What do you call a very rude bird?
A: A mockingbird!
Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"
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