FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Shameless Flirt
Shameless Flirt
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"Just a quiet muse from myself has brought a bit of a question for myself; so I thought I’d throw it out to you dear forumites. We all flirt on the forums; it’s part of the general every day lubricant that keeps everything running smoothly, but if you’re chatting/ messaging someone and they’re flirting with lots of others does it cool your interest? Now obviously were here because we enjoy multiple partners in one way or another but do you like to be made to feel like a persons focus for the duration of your approach? Do you feel like you’re competing for their attention and if so how do you feel about that? " The latter for sure.....we all like to feel that the feelings are mutual, but we have to deal with the fact that ladies get 10/20 times more messages than chaps. | |||
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"Just a quiet muse from myself has brought a bit of a question for myself; so I thought I’d throw it out to you dear forumites. We all flirt on the forums; it’s part of the general every day lubricant that keeps everything running smoothly, but if you’re chatting/ messaging someone and they’re flirting with lots of others does it cool your interest? Now obviously were here because we enjoy multiple partners in one way or another but do you like to be made to feel like a persons focus for the duration of your approach? Do you feel like you’re competing for their attention and if so how do you feel about that? The latter for sure.....we all like to feel that the feelings are mutual, but we have to deal with the fact that ladies get 10/20 times more messages than chaps. " That’s very true, and I’m sure that many people are talking to multiple others at any one time, but if they’re flirting publicly with lots of people do you feel that ‘cheapens’ your interaction? | |||
"The ladies I like are all so incredibly sexy that they’re basically beating the men off with a shitty stick and blokes are still flirting. I’m fine with it, I think acceptance is part of the lifestyle?" Absolutely, I agree. I’m simply asking the question as it’s something that I find interesting rather than from experience | |||
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"Just a quiet muse from myself has brought a bit of a question for myself; so I thought I’d throw it out to you dear forumites. We all flirt on the forums; it’s part of the general every day lubricant that keeps everything running smoothly, but if you’re chatting/ messaging someone and they’re flirting with lots of others does it cool your interest? Now obviously were here because we enjoy multiple partners in one way or another but do you like to be made to feel like a persons focus for the duration of your approach? Do you feel like you’re competing for their attention and if so how do you feel about that? " It is an interesting dilemma. One I have been thinking about too. " if you’re chatting/ messaging someone and they’re flirting with lots of others does it cool your interest? " Yes. And no. Sometimes it does exactly that (for me). If I am brutally honest, there’s a few layers to it; the key issue is perhaps I’m not sure I’m always secure enough to be a comfortable swinger. I mean I’m not in a primary relationship that I draw security from and hence the majority of sexual encounters I participate in there is always a varying degree of hope for something more. That tinge of want or hope doesn’t align with the acceptance, or immediate acceptance, of everyone here to have all the sex with all the people bonhomie. I also have insecurities - my body, my intelligence, my interest to others, my previous patterns with partners, and it’s hard enough to take a leap of faith in being intimate with someone as it is without the obvious information that any trust being built is not unique or special. I understand rationally the arguments against one interaction negating another, I truly do - but tell my heart and scared inner child that. The issue for me is the more I really like someone the more anxious I am about not being enough. And the more obvious it becomes to me that is not the right place to interact with people I really like. Or I must lobotomise the part of my head that overwhelmingly falls foul of not hoping for more, and isn’t triggered as if in some perpetual romantic movie. The dilemma is that if I’m really aware and clued in on their other liaisons, sometimes actually I can scale back that excitement and find that I have less of a problem (maybe I can cope better, is what I mean) so actually in that situation seeing how they flirt and interact publicly can temper me and keep me in check. Or nullifies the hope thing at the right time. Blindsiding is difficult, suddenly becoming aware of other “relationships” (for want of a better word). And again, I put this all back to being single rather than part of a committed swinging couple. Personally, I have always preferred to check a little with someone prior to starting the 1 on 1 type of flirting, and my tendency if they are involved or wanting to be involved with forumites female friends particularly, that is an area of no-go for me having had bad experiences of this. I don’t always manage due diligence here though, and have hurt people and been hurt - which makes me sad. " do you like to be made to feel like a persons focus for the duration of your approach? " Yes, but no but. I wonder if sometimes (for me) this is worse if it then ceases once sex has occurred - again, I really am wondering if I need to be far more boundaried on here. You know when it isn’t a problem for me? When I feel clear that the person isn’t someone I could fall for, or when (and I appreciate this makes me sound awful) the person likes me more than I like them. Then I can do NSA and I wouldn’t feel a twinge of angst if I witnessed other flirting, in fact should I feel anything then I’d know that it was a needy, ego stroking, competitive streak which is an ugly side of me, and I’d do well to be exposed to situations to help me kick it to the curb. Apologies. I’m rambling. | |||
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"I see the forums kinda like a party you've gone to together. You're both chatting and flirting with other party goers but what happens in messages is like you've sneaked off for a wee grope under the jacket pile. " Good analogy  | |||
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"Just a quiet muse from myself has brought a bit of a question for myself; so I thought I’d throw it out to you dear forumites. We all flirt on the forums; it’s part of the general every day lubricant that keeps everything running smoothly, but if you’re chatting/ messaging someone and they’re flirting with lots of others does it cool your interest? Now obviously were here because we enjoy multiple partners in one way or another but do you like to be made to feel like a persons focus for the duration of your approach? Do you feel like you’re competing for their attention and if so how do you feel about that? It is an interesting dilemma. One I have been thinking about too. if you’re chatting/ messaging someone and they’re flirting with lots of others does it cool your interest? Yes. And no. Sometimes it does exactly that (for me). If I am brutally honest, there’s a few layers to it; the key issue is perhaps I’m not sure I’m always secure enough to be a comfortable swinger. I mean I’m not in a primary relationship that I draw security from and hence the majority of sexual encounters I participate in there is always a varying degree of hope for something more. That tinge of want or hope doesn’t align with the acceptance, or immediate acceptance, of everyone here to have all the sex with all the people bonhomie. I also have insecurities - my body, my intelligence, my interest to others, my previous patterns with partners, and it’s hard enough to take a leap of faith in being intimate with someone as it is without the obvious information that any trust being built is not unique or special. I understand rationally the arguments against one interaction negating another, I truly do - but tell my heart and scared inner child that. The issue for me is the more I really like someone the more anxious I am about not being enough. And the more obvious it becomes to me that is not the right place to interact with people I really like. Or I must lobotomise the part of my head that overwhelmingly falls foul of not hoping for more, and isn’t triggered as if in some perpetual romantic movie. The dilemma is that if I’m really aware and clued in on their other liaisons, sometimes actually I can scale back that excitement and find that I have less of a problem (maybe I can cope better, is what I mean) so actually in that situation seeing how they flirt and interact publicly can temper me and keep me in check. Or nullifies the hope thing at the right time. Blindsiding is difficult, suddenly becoming aware of other “relationships” (for want of a better word). And again, I put this all back to being single rather than part of a committed swinging couple. Personally, I have always preferred to check a little with someone prior to starting the 1 on 1 type of flirting, and my tendency if they are involved or wanting to be involved with forumites female friends particularly, that is an area of no-go for me having had bad experiences of this. I don’t always manage due diligence here though, and have hurt people and been hurt - which makes me sad. do you like to be made to feel like a persons focus for the duration of your approach? Yes, but no but. I wonder if sometimes (for me) this is worse if it then ceases once sex has occurred - again, I really am wondering if I need to be far more boundaried on here. You know when it isn’t a problem for me? When I feel clear that the person isn’t someone I could fall for, or when (and I appreciate this makes me sound awful) the person likes me more than I like them. Then I can do NSA and I wouldn’t feel a twinge of angst if I witnessed other flirting, in fact should I feel anything then I’d know that it was a needy, ego stroking, competitive streak which is an ugly side of me, and I’d do well to be exposed to situations to help me kick it to the curb. Apologies. I’m rambling. " Thank you for you honesty. Do you feel therefore that you flirt with people that you’re not interested in? | |||
" Apologies. I’m rambling. " A very honest and open and rather brave ramble if I may say so. As I said yesterday - we are not swinging, we are playing with fire. To do this as a single is a WAY more dangerous activity than swinging as a couple, because any ongoing 'arrangement' may indeed be a primary relationship (even if is is a loose, open, uncommitted nsa one) and in my opinion ANY kind of relationship comes with innate expectations, hard wired. I expect certain behaviours and attitudes of all my friends, both sexes, whether I have sex with them or not. Having sex with them just complicates matters, and whilst many will shout me down I do believe that is it not really what the 'software' is set up for. | |||
" Thank you for you honesty. Do you feel therefore that you flirt with people that you’re not interested in? " That’s a hard question to answer satisfactorily, without an element of guessing what is being asked exactly. What I mean by that is that I know *my* intent when I flirt, and I do flirt on the forums for a myriad of reasons but very, very rarely on PM. If I flirt on PM then I do with a hope or intention of something. If I flirt in the forum, it can also be that with some, it can be flirts with intent to flirt and enjoy the exchange and boost it brings and gives but perhaps I don’t see if being more (that can be a not expecting or wanting to my side right through to them not wanting me, or me anticipating that to be the case, or even someone I would like to meet but I won’t for fear of treading on toes perhaps), and then there are the flirts where it’s peobab not even about the person I’m flirting with but a need to feel something back, an ego boost or a polite way of interacting without being rude. Someone called me out on my flirting and has made me rethink whether I’m hurting people and it’s why I was pondering this topic too. One thing I do know is that I’m undeniably a hypocrite and that I’m definitely guilty of things that don’t align with my values or how I want to behave. And that’s deeply hard to swallow. | |||
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" Apologies. I’m rambling. A very honest and open and rather brave ramble if I may say so. As I said yesterday - we are not swinging, we are playing with fire. To do this as a single is a WAY more dangerous activity than swinging as a couple, because any ongoing 'arrangement' may indeed be a primary relationship (even if is is a loose, open, uncommitted nsa one) and in my opinion ANY kind of relationship comes with innate expectations, hard wired. I expect certain behaviours and attitudes of all my friends, both sexes, whether I have sex with them or not. Having sex with them just complicates matters, and whilst many will shout me down I do believe that is it not really what the 'software' is set up for." I totally agree with this... as a single woman I think fab is harder... if your part of a couple you can discuss boundaries and discuss what your both comfortable with! And your right in all honesty for a lot of people the “software” is not set up for this!!! Sometimes I want to run a mile away from fab but other times I don’t and can take it for what it is!! | |||
" Thank you for you honesty. Do you feel therefore that you flirt with people that you’re not interested in? That’s a hard question to answer satisfactorily, without an element of guessing what is being asked exactly. What I mean by that is that I know *my* intent when I flirt, and I do flirt on the forums for a myriad of reasons but very, very rarely on PM. If I flirt on PM then I do with a hope or intention of something. If I flirt in the forum, it can also be that with some, it can be flirts with intent to flirt and enjoy the exchange and boost it brings and gives but perhaps I don’t see if being more (that can be a not expecting or wanting to my side right through to them not wanting me, or me anticipating that to be the case, or even someone I would like to meet but I won’t for fear of treading on toes perhaps), and then there are the flirts where it’s peobab not even about the person I’m flirting with but a need to feel something back, an ego boost or a polite way of interacting without being rude. Someone called me out on my flirting and has made me rethink whether I’m hurting people and it’s why I was pondering this topic too. One thing I do know is that I’m undeniably a hypocrite and that I’m definitely guilty of things that don’t align with my values or how I want to behave. And that’s deeply hard to swallow. " I apologise for shorthanding my follow up question. The point that made in your original post seemed to be saying that your level of flirting was indirectly proportionate to how interested you are in a person; in that the more you flirt then the less you’re interested. I’m sorry that you’re struggling with this topic, knowing you in the way that I do; I know that you wouldn’t intentionally hurt anyone. Finding oneself acting in a manner outside of our own perception of ourselves though is a difficult one to come to terms with and something that I’ve dealt with a fair amount in not too distant times. | |||
" Apologies. I’m rambling. A very honest and open and rather brave ramble if I may say so. As I said yesterday - we are not swinging, we are playing with fire. To do this as a single is a WAY more dangerous activity than swinging as a couple, because any ongoing 'arrangement' may indeed be a primary relationship (even if is is a loose, open, uncommitted nsa one) and in my opinion ANY kind of relationship comes with innate expectations, hard wired. I expect certain behaviours and attitudes of all my friends, both sexes, whether I have sex with them or not. Having sex with them just complicates matters, and whilst many will shout me down I do believe that is it not really what the 'software' is set up for. I totally agree with this... as a single woman I think fab is harder... if your part of a couple you can discuss boundaries and discuss what your both comfortable with! And your right in all honesty for a lot of people the “software” is not set up for this!!! Sometimes I want to run a mile away from fab but other times I don’t and can take it for what it is!! " I would argue that it’s hard for singles of any gender, not just ladies. The issues may be different but the problems by and large are the same | |||
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"Just a quiet muse from myself has brought a bit of a question for myself; so I thought I’d throw it out to you dear forumites. We all flirt on the forums; it’s part of the general every day lubricant that keeps everything running smoothly, but if you’re chatting/ messaging someone and they’re flirting with lots of others does it cool your interest? Now obviously were here because we enjoy multiple partners in one way or another but do you like to be made to feel like a persons focus for the duration of your approach? Do you feel like you’re competing for their attention and if so how do you feel about that? " Regardless of any emotional angle I am sexually primal prey - if someone does not focus on me and pursue me I lose interest pretty fast. Everyone flirts with other people on here of course, but it turns me off to whatever degree it happens. Those guys that flirt with every woman on a thread really do themselves no favours IMO! Casual flirting on the forums is one thing, but I will never flirt beyond that if I have no interest, I would never lead anyone on, it's just an anathema to me.  | |||
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"Depends who it is,being honest the green eyed monster can come into play at time's,that's how I know I'll never be a true swinger." This is me too. Some Fab friends it doesn’t bother me at all, others I might get a little envious. Mostly because I then immediately compare myself negatively to the person they are flirting with, and also because I can’t flirt worth a shit, so if the other person is flirting back, then I don’t have a hope in hell.... | |||
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" The point that made in your original post seemed to be saying that your level of flirting was indirectly proportionate to how interested you are in a person; in that the more you flirt then the less you’re interested." Ahhh, I see. It isn’t quite that clear cut. I flirt heavily with people I fancy, in an almost compulsive and I just can’t help myself way as I want as much of their attention as I can possibly get. Pride at trying not to look a prick tempers it slightly, but that’s subjective as I’m fairly certain I am way over the prick-looking line far too often, but I’m just happy when I like someone and the buzz is addictive. I flirt easily with people when I’m happy and thus sometimes when I’m in that buzz with someone, it leaks over into all of my interactions. Now this is partly to do with being in a gay old mood and wanting to spread the love, partly to do with an increased libido and need for stimulation and partly to do with wanting that person’s attention and getting it through attention seeking actions even with others. Now this can constitute ‘look at me flirting’ actions with others as there’s only so many replies and posts you can do direct to the person you’re interested in, and flirting with another person generates a more probable lasting conversation than just a reply on a thread, thus more opportunity to preen in front of the person you hope trails your action on the forum looking out for what you’re doing. It can also constitute direct trying to make the other person jealous (again, this is awful behaviour and stems from insecurity) or attempts to try and demonstrate your worthiness in the eyes of others to impress the object of your affection (again, insecurity). I fancy more than one person too. And thus I also flirt with more than one. With intent. On the forum. I would, however, only pursue one at a time in terms of meeting on PM. I also gaily flirt with everyone as a means of fun and frivolity and forum-accepted interactions. Anyone that I do that with where there is nothing more than fun and mutual ego stroking, who follows up on PM then I am always clear about my feeling. I’m open and honest, and not prepared to string people along (at least I don’t have that intent). I guess something for me to ponder is why I feel safer to flirt in public rather than on PM. And what that public aspect fulfils for me. I’m sure there is absolutely an element of egocentric self absorption but it’s more than that, I get quickly overwhelmed when someone is talking to me directly and privately. I’m actually intensely shy and frighten easily. The forum is an outlet for me to express myself safely. | |||
" Apologies. I’m rambling. A very honest and open and rather brave ramble if I may say so. As I said yesterday - we are not swinging, we are playing with fire. To do this as a single is a WAY more dangerous activity than swinging as a couple, because any ongoing 'arrangement' may indeed be a primary relationship (even if is is a loose, open, uncommitted nsa one) and in my opinion ANY kind of relationship comes with innate expectations, hard wired. I expect certain behaviours and attitudes of all my friends, both sexes, whether I have sex with them or not. Having sex with them just complicates matters, and whilst many will shout me down I do believe that is it not really what the 'software' is set up for. I totally agree with this... as a single woman I think fab is harder... if your part of a couple you can discuss boundaries and discuss what your both comfortable with! And your right in all honesty for a lot of people the “software” is not set up for this!!! Sometimes I want to run a mile away from fab but other times I don’t and can take it for what it is!! I would argue that it’s hard for singles of any gender, not just ladies. The issues may be different but the problems by and large are the same" Oh I agree it probably is hard for singles either gender I was just talking about me... although sometimes it seems men are better at hiding things!! And I’m rubbish at it haha!!! | |||
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"In all honesty, I'm a natural flirt. I flirt with some that I get on with on here. But there isn't always an ulterior motive to it. It's lighthearted to me. Those I actually interact with away from the forums, I have a much deeper and meaningful conversation with. If I see some flirting on here, that I feel close to, I do sometimes get a twinge of jealousy. But I rein it in, as I know I do the same. It would be hypocritical of me to be put off someone for something I do myself "Exactly how I feel too!! X | |||
"In all honesty, I'm a natural flirt. I flirt with some that I get on with on here. But there isn't always an ulterior motive to it. It's lighthearted to me. Those I actually interact with away from the forums, I have a much deeper and meaningful conversation with. If I see some flirting on here, that I feel close to, I do sometimes get a twinge of jealousy. But I rein it in, as I know I do the same. It would be hypocritical of me to be put off someone for something I do myself " bullseye as per usual | |||
"Depends who it is,being honest the green eyed monster can come into play at time's,that's how I know I'll never be a true swinger." That bloody monster is a pain   | |||
at, its a way to get things light and happy. I'll probably flirt a lot with someone I already know, if I know they don't mind and will join in.
But I do agree that if I have planned to meet someone else off the forum I would rein it in a bit as it does just feel a bit (not sure what the word would be here?) not making the person special enough. | |||
" Apologies. I’m rambling. A very honest and open and rather brave ramble if I may say so. As I said yesterday - we are not swinging, we are playing with fire. To do this as a single is a WAY more dangerous activity than swinging as a couple, because any ongoing 'arrangement' may indeed be a primary relationship (even if is is a loose, open, uncommitted nsa one) and in my opinion ANY kind of relationship comes with innate expectations, hard wired. I expect certain behaviours and attitudes of all my friends, both sexes, whether I have sex with them or not. Having sex with them just complicates matters, and whilst many will shout me down I do believe that is it not really what the 'software' is set up for. I totally agree with this... as a single woman I think fab is harder... if your part of a couple you can discuss boundaries and discuss what your both comfortable with! And your right in all honesty for a lot of people the “software” is not set up for this!!! Sometimes I want to run a mile away from fab but other times I don’t and can take it for what it is!! I would argue that it’s hard for singles of any gender, not just ladies. The issues may be different but the problems by and large are the same Oh I agree it probably is hard for singles either gender I was just talking about me... although sometimes it seems men are better at hiding things!! And I’m rubbish at it haha!!! " I would probably say as well that there is a certain degree of ‘guys just have to deal with it’ with regards to things as any degree of negative behaviour is viewed in a very harsh manner. | |||
" The point that made in your original post seemed to be saying that your level of flirting was indirectly proportionate to how interested you are in a person; in that the more you flirt then the less you’re interested. Ahhh, I see. It isn’t quite that clear cut. I flirt heavily with people I fancy, in an almost compulsive and I just can’t help myself way as I want as much of their attention as I can possibly get. Pride at trying not to look a prick tempers it slightly, but that’s subjective as I’m fairly certain I am way over the prick-looking line far too often, but I’m just happy when I like someone and the buzz is addictive. I flirt easily with people when I’m happy and thus sometimes when I’m in that buzz with someone, it leaks over into all of my interactions. Now this is partly to do with being in a gay old mood and wanting to spread the love, partly to do with an increased libido and need for stimulation and partly to do with wanting that person’s attention and getting it through attention seeking actions even with others. Now this can constitute ‘look at me flirting’ actions with others as there’s only so many replies and posts you can do direct to the person you’re interested in, and flirting with another person generates a more probable lasting conversation than just a reply on a thread, thus more opportunity to preen in front of the person you hope trails your action on the forum looking out for what you’re doing. It can also constitute direct trying to make the other person jealous (again, this is awful behaviour and stems from insecurity) or attempts to try and demonstrate your worthiness in the eyes of others to impress the object of your affection (again, insecurity). I fancy more than one person too. And thus I also flirt with more than one. With intent. On the forum. I would, however, only pursue one at a time in terms of meeting on PM. I also gaily flirt with everyone as a means of fun and frivolity and forum-accepted interactions. Anyone that I do that with where there is nothing more than fun and mutual ego stroking, who follows up on PM then I am always clear about my feeling. I’m open and honest, and not prepared to string people along (at least I don’t have that intent). I guess something for me to ponder is why I feel safer to flirt in public rather than on PM. And what that public aspect fulfils for me. I’m sure there is absolutely an element of egocentric self absorption but it’s more than that, I get quickly overwhelmed when someone is talking to me directly and privately. I’m actually intensely shy and frighten easily. The forum is an outlet for me to express myself safely. " This last bit is me aswell,its a bit like forum flirting is open for anyone to join in so is more relaxed, pms its just you two and all the inherent nerves that involves. | |||
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"I see it as fairly harmless and superficial in a sense, it doesn't mean I want to meet everyone I flash the at, its a way to get things light and happy. I'll probably flirt a lot with someone I already know, if I know they don't mind and will join in.
But I do agree that if I have planned to meet someone else off the forum I would rein it in a bit as it does just feel a bit (not sure what the word would be here?) not making the person special enough. "Totally agree with that!! If I was going to meet someone there is no way I would do the . | |||
" The point that made in your original post seemed to be saying that your level of flirting was indirectly proportionate to how interested you are in a person; in that the more you flirt then the less you’re interested. Ahhh, I see. It isn’t quite that clear cut. I flirt heavily with people I fancy, in an almost compulsive and I just can’t help myself way as I want as much of their attention as I can possibly get. Pride at trying not to look a prick tempers it slightly, but that’s subjective as I’m fairly certain I am way over the prick-looking line far too often, but I’m just happy when I like someone and the buzz is addictive. I flirt easily with people when I’m happy and thus sometimes when I’m in that buzz with someone, it leaks over into all of my interactions. Now this is partly to do with being in a gay old mood and wanting to spread the love, partly to do with an increased libido and need for stimulation and partly to do with wanting that person’s attention and getting it through attention seeking actions even with others. Now this can constitute ‘look at me flirting’ actions with others as there’s only so many replies and posts you can do direct to the person you’re interested in, and flirting with another person generates a more probable lasting conversation than just a reply on a thread, thus more opportunity to preen in front of the person you hope trails your action on the forum looking out for what you’re doing. It can also constitute direct trying to make the other person jealous (again, this is awful behaviour and stems from insecurity) or attempts to try and demonstrate your worthiness in the eyes of others to impress the object of your affection (again, insecurity). I fancy more than one person too. And thus I also flirt with more than one. With intent. On the forum. I would, however, only pursue one at a time in terms of meeting on PM. I also gaily flirt with everyone as a means of fun and frivolity and forum-accepted interactions. Anyone that I do that with where there is nothing more than fun and mutual ego stroking, who follows up on PM then I am always clear about my feeling. I’m open and honest, and not prepared to string people along (at least I don’t have that intent). I guess something for me to ponder is why I feel safer to flirt in public rather than on PM. And what that public aspect fulfils for me. I’m sure there is absolutely an element of egocentric self absorption but it’s more than that, I get quickly overwhelmed when someone is talking to me directly and privately. I’m actually intensely shy and frighten easily. The forum is an outlet for me to express myself safely. This last bit is me aswell,its a bit like forum flirting is open for anyone to join in so is more relaxed, pms its just you two and all the inherent nerves that involves. " I agree, PM messaging for me is far more intimate and for me carries a degree of intent | |||
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"I don’t compete. If i feel that i’ve been put on the back burner then i walk away, whether that turns out to be the case or not. Just how i am. I concur. I don’t want to compete, and couldn’t if I was motivated to. " | |||
"Just a quiet muse from myself has brought a bit of a question for myself; so I thought I’d throw it out to you dear forumites. We all flirt on the forums; it’s part of the general every day lubricant that keeps everything running smoothly, but if you’re chatting/ messaging someone and they’re flirting with lots of others does it cool your interest? Now obviously were here because we enjoy multiple partners in one way or another but do you like to be made to feel like a persons focus for the duration of your approach? Do you feel like you’re competing for their attention and if so how do you feel about that? It is an interesting dilemma. One I have been thinking about too. if you’re chatting/ messaging someone and they’re flirting with lots of others does it cool your interest? Yes. And no. Sometimes it does exactly that (for me). If I am brutally honest, there’s a few layers to it; the key issue is perhaps I’m not sure I’m always secure enough to be a comfortable swinger. I mean I’m not in a primary relationship that I draw security from and hence the majority of sexual encounters I participate in there is always a varying degree of hope for something more. That tinge of want or hope doesn’t align with the acceptance, or immediate acceptance, of everyone here to have all the sex with all the people bonhomie. I also have insecurities - my body, my intelligence, my interest to others, my previous patterns with partners, and it’s hard enough to take a leap of faith in being intimate with someone as it is without the obvious information that any trust being built is not unique or special. I understand rationally the arguments against one interaction negating another, I truly do - but tell my heart and scared inner child that. The issue for me is the more I really like someone the more anxious I am about not being enough. And the more obvious it becomes to me that is not the right place to interact with people I really like. Or I must lobotomise the part of my head that overwhelmingly falls foul of not hoping for more, and isn’t triggered as if in some perpetual romantic movie. The dilemma is that if I’m really aware and clued in on their other liaisons, sometimes actually I can scale back that excitement and find that I have less of a problem (maybe I can cope better, is what I mean) so actually in that situation seeing how they flirt and interact publicly can temper me and keep me in check. Or nullifies the hope thing at the right time. Blindsiding is difficult, suddenly becoming aware of other “relationships” (for want of a better word). And again, I put this all back to being single rather than part of a committed swinging couple. Personally, I have always preferred to check a little with someone prior to starting the 1 on 1 type of flirting, and my tendency if they are involved or wanting to be involved with forumites female friends particularly, that is an area of no-go for me having had bad experiences of this. I don’t always manage due diligence here though, and have hurt people and been hurt - which makes me sad. do you like to be made to feel like a persons focus for the duration of your approach? Yes, but no but. I wonder if sometimes (for me) this is worse if it then ceases once sex has occurred - again, I really am wondering if I need to be far more boundaried on here. You know when it isn’t a problem for me? When I feel clear that the person isn’t someone I could fall for, or when (and I appreciate this makes me sound awful) the person likes me more than I like them. Then I can do NSA and I wouldn’t feel a twinge of angst if I witnessed other flirting, in fact should I feel anything then I’d know that it was a needy, ego stroking, competitive streak which is an ugly side of me, and I’d do well to be exposed to situations to help me kick it to the curb. Apologies. I’m rambling. " *sigh* this just about sums it up for me, Estella i really do love the way you put things. For me, I’m NOT a swinger. I use the site for sex whilst waiting for Mr Right. And as Estella mentions, there is that hope that maybe the gent that you’ve had amazing chemistry and what you thought was a connection, turns out to be just as keen on you as you find yourself about him (which lets be honest , is quite hard to come by), is in actual fact checking out and flirting it up with other women and probably happily shagging them too then i can feel my attraction just withering away. It does get on my tits. I know it shouldn’t, but it just does. I’ve had an amazing relationship where i was treated like a Queen, and i have to say it’s spoilt me for putting up with men who play games or just don’t know what (or who) they want. | |||
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"Just a quiet muse from myself has brought a bit of a question for myself; so I thought I’d throw it out to you dear forumites. We all flirt on the forums; it’s part of the general every day lubricant that keeps everything running smoothly, but if you’re chatting/ messaging someone and they’re flirting with lots of others does it cool your interest? Now obviously were here because we enjoy multiple partners in one way or another but do you like to be made to feel like a persons focus for the duration of your approach? Do you feel like you’re competing for their attention and if so how do you feel about that? It is an interesting dilemma. One I have been thinking about too. if you’re chatting/ messaging someone and they’re flirting with lots of others does it cool your interest? Yes. And no. Sometimes it does exactly that (for me). If I am brutally honest, there’s a few layers to it; the key issue is perhaps I’m not sure I’m always secure enough to be a comfortable swinger. I mean I’m not in a primary relationship that I draw security from and hence the majority of sexual encounters I participate in there is always a varying degree of hope for something more. That tinge of want or hope doesn’t align with the acceptance, or immediate acceptance, of everyone here to have all the sex with all the people bonhomie. I also have insecurities - my body, my intelligence, my interest to others, my previous patterns with partners, and it’s hard enough to take a leap of faith in being intimate with someone as it is without the obvious information that any trust being built is not unique or special. I understand rationally the arguments against one interaction negating another, I truly do - but tell my heart and scared inner child that. The issue for me is the more I really like someone the more anxious I am about not being enough. And the more obvious it becomes to me that is not the right place to interact with people I really like. Or I must lobotomise the part of my head that overwhelmingly falls foul of not hoping for more, and isn’t triggered as if in some perpetual romantic movie. The dilemma is that if I’m really aware and clued in on their other liaisons, sometimes actually I can scale back that excitement and find that I have less of a problem (maybe I can cope better, is what I mean) so actually in that situation seeing how they flirt and interact publicly can temper me and keep me in check. Or nullifies the hope thing at the right time. Blindsiding is difficult, suddenly becoming aware of other “relationships” (for want of a better word). And again, I put this all back to being single rather than part of a committed swinging couple. Personally, I have always preferred to check a little with someone prior to starting the 1 on 1 type of flirting, and my tendency if they are involved or wanting to be involved with forumites female friends particularly, that is an area of no-go for me having had bad experiences of this. I don’t always manage due diligence here though, and have hurt people and been hurt - which makes me sad. do you like to be made to feel like a persons focus for the duration of your approach? Yes, but no but. I wonder if sometimes (for me) this is worse if it then ceases once sex has occurred - again, I really am wondering if I need to be far more boundaried on here. You know when it isn’t a problem for me? When I feel clear that the person isn’t someone I could fall for, or when (and I appreciate this makes me sound awful) the person likes me more than I like them. Then I can do NSA and I wouldn’t feel a twinge of angst if I witnessed other flirting, in fact should I feel anything then I’d know that it was a needy, ego stroking, competitive streak which is an ugly side of me, and I’d do well to be exposed to situations to help me kick it to the curb. Apologies. I’m rambling. *sigh* this just about sums it up for me, Estella i really do love the way you put things. For me, I’m NOT a swinger. I use the site for sex whilst waiting for Mr Right. And as Estella mentions, there is that hope that maybe the gent that you’ve had amazing chemistry and what you thought was a connection, turns out to be just as keen on you as you find yourself about him (which lets be honest , is quite hard to come by), is in actual fact checking out and flirting it up with other women and probably happily shagging them too then i can feel my attraction just withering away. It does get on my tits. I know it shouldn’t, but it just does. I’ve had an amazing relationship where i was treated like a Queen, and i have to say it’s spoilt me for putting up with men who play games or just don’t know what (or who) they want. " Bloody hell are we all reading each other’s minds??!! THIS is soooooo true!!!!! | |||
"Just a quiet muse from myself has brought a bit of a question for myself; so I thought I’d throw it out to you dear forumites. We all flirt on the forums; it’s part of the general every day lubricant that keeps everything running smoothly, but if you’re chatting/ messaging someone and they’re flirting with lots of others does it cool your interest? Now obviously were here because we enjoy multiple partners in one way or another but do you like to be made to feel like a persons focus for the duration of your approach? Do you feel like you’re competing for their attention and if so how do you feel about that? It is an interesting dilemma. One I have been thinking about too. if you’re chatting/ messaging someone and they’re flirting with lots of others does it cool your interest? Yes. And no. Sometimes it does exactly that (for me). If I am brutally honest, there’s a few layers to it; the key issue is perhaps I’m not sure I’m always secure enough to be a comfortable swinger. I mean I’m not in a primary relationship that I draw security from and hence the majority of sexual encounters I participate in there is always a varying degree of hope for something more. That tinge of want or hope doesn’t align with the acceptance, or immediate acceptance, of everyone here to have all the sex with all the people bonhomie. I also have insecurities - my body, my intelligence, my interest to others, my previous patterns with partners, and it’s hard enough to take a leap of faith in being intimate with someone as it is without the obvious information that any trust being built is not unique or special. I understand rationally the arguments against one interaction negating another, I truly do - but tell my heart and scared inner child that. The issue for me is the more I really like someone the more anxious I am about not being enough. And the more obvious it becomes to me that is not the right place to interact with people I really like. Or I must lobotomise the part of my head that overwhelmingly falls foul of not hoping for more, and isn’t triggered as if in some perpetual romantic movie. The dilemma is that if I’m really aware and clued in on their other liaisons, sometimes actually I can scale back that excitement and find that I have less of a problem (maybe I can cope better, is what I mean) so actually in that situation seeing how they flirt and interact publicly can temper me and keep me in check. Or nullifies the hope thing at the right time. Blindsiding is difficult, suddenly becoming aware of other “relationships” (for want of a better word). And again, I put this all back to being single rather than part of a committed swinging couple. Personally, I have always preferred to check a little with someone prior to starting the 1 on 1 type of flirting, and my tendency if they are involved or wanting to be involved with forumites female friends particularly, that is an area of no-go for me having had bad experiences of this. I don’t always manage due diligence here though, and have hurt people and been hurt - which makes me sad. do you like to be made to feel like a persons focus for the duration of your approach? Yes, but no but. I wonder if sometimes (for me) this is worse if it then ceases once sex has occurred - again, I really am wondering if I need to be far more boundaried on here. You know when it isn’t a problem for me? When I feel clear that the person isn’t someone I could fall for, or when (and I appreciate this makes me sound awful) the person likes me more than I like them. Then I can do NSA and I wouldn’t feel a twinge of angst if I witnessed other flirting, in fact should I feel anything then I’d know that it was a needy, ego stroking, competitive streak which is an ugly side of me, and I’d do well to be exposed to situations to help me kick it to the curb. Apologies. I’m rambling. *sigh* this just about sums it up for me, Estella i really do love the way you put things. For me, I’m NOT a swinger. I use the site for sex whilst waiting for Mr Right. And as Estella mentions, there is that hope that maybe the gent that you’ve had amazing chemistry and what you thought was a connection, turns out to be just as keen on you as you find yourself about him (which lets be honest , is quite hard to come by), is in actual fact checking out and flirting it up with other women and probably happily shagging them too then i can feel my attraction just withering away. It does get on my tits. I know it shouldn’t, but it just does. I’ve had an amazing relationship where i was treated like a Queen, and i have to say it’s spoilt me for putting up with men who play games or just don’t know what (or who) they want. Bloody hell are we all reading each other’s minds??!! THIS is soooooo true!!!!! "I do feel that we’re getting a little removed from the original topic of public flirting, but I find it interesting that people seem to be saying that they want a degree of intimacy to remain ‘unique’ shall we say for the duration of the encounter. Especially as this is in direct disagreement with other people’s replies earlier in the thread... Personally I don’t think that swinging and love are mutually exclusive ideals, I do however think that both require clarity, directness and honesty. Perhaps this is the issue that I was driving at with my OP | |||
"Just a quiet muse from myself has brought a bit of a question for myself; so I thought I’d throw it out to you dear forumites. We all flirt on the forums; it’s part of the general every day lubricant that keeps everything running smoothly, but if you’re chatting/ messaging someone and they’re flirting with lots of others does it cool your interest? Now obviously were here because we enjoy multiple partners in one way or another but do you like to be made to feel like a persons focus for the duration of your approach? Do you feel like you’re competing for their attention and if so how do you feel about that? It is an interesting dilemma. One I have been thinking about too. if you’re chatting/ messaging someone and they’re flirting with lots of others does it cool your interest? Yes. And no. Sometimes it does exactly that (for me). If I am brutally honest, there’s a few layers to it; the key issue is perhaps I’m not sure I’m always secure enough to be a comfortable swinger. I mean I’m not in a primary relationship that I draw security from and hence the majority of sexual encounters I participate in there is always a varying degree of hope for something more. That tinge of want or hope doesn’t align with the acceptance, or immediate acceptance, of everyone here to have all the sex with all the people bonhomie. I also have insecurities - my body, my intelligence, my interest to others, my previous patterns with partners, and it’s hard enough to take a leap of faith in being intimate with someone as it is without the obvious information that any trust being built is not unique or special. I understand rationally the arguments against one interaction negating another, I truly do - but tell my heart and scared inner child that. The issue for me is the more I really like someone the more anxious I am about not being enough. And the more obvious it becomes to me that is not the right place to interact with people I really like. Or I must lobotomise the part of my head that overwhelmingly falls foul of not hoping for more, and isn’t triggered as if in some perpetual romantic movie. The dilemma is that if I’m really aware and clued in on their other liaisons, sometimes actually I can scale back that excitement and find that I have less of a problem (maybe I can cope better, is what I mean) so actually in that situation seeing how they flirt and interact publicly can temper me and keep me in check. Or nullifies the hope thing at the right time. Blindsiding is difficult, suddenly becoming aware of other “relationships” (for want of a better word). And again, I put this all back to being single rather than part of a committed swinging couple. Personally, I have always preferred to check a little with someone prior to starting the 1 on 1 type of flirting, and my tendency if they are involved or wanting to be involved with forumites female friends particularly, that is an area of no-go for me having had bad experiences of this. I don’t always manage due diligence here though, and have hurt people and been hurt - which makes me sad. do you like to be made to feel like a persons focus for the duration of your approach? Yes, but no but. I wonder if sometimes (for me) this is worse if it then ceases once sex has occurred - again, I really am wondering if I need to be far more boundaried on here. You know when it isn’t a problem for me? When I feel clear that the person isn’t someone I could fall for, or when (and I appreciate this makes me sound awful) the person likes me more than I like them. Then I can do NSA and I wouldn’t feel a twinge of angst if I witnessed other flirting, in fact should I feel anything then I’d know that it was a needy, ego stroking, competitive streak which is an ugly side of me, and I’d do well to be exposed to situations to help me kick it to the curb. Apologies. I’m rambling. *sigh* this just about sums it up for me, Estella i really do love the way you put things. For me, I’m NOT a swinger. I use the site for sex whilst waiting for Mr Right. And as Estella mentions, there is that hope that maybe the gent that you’ve had amazing chemistry and what you thought was a connection, turns out to be just as keen on you as you find yourself about him (which lets be honest , is quite hard to come by), is in actual fact checking out and flirting it up with other women and probably happily shagging them too then i can feel my attraction just withering away. " Yes, and my point is that is not societal conditioning, it's an innate, instinctive, hard-wired response for many people. | |||
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"Bloody hell this thread has been an eye opener. I.never imagined people had these kind of thoughts. My thoughts have nothing to do with me being in a relationship ive always had the same thoughts. Im not precious about men couldnt careless what they do as long as when they are with me i have their respect and undivided attention. I did think this was a swingers site when i joined" Perhaps people are more complex than some give them credit for. I said often in the forums that trying to switch off emotions is all but impossible. They are a fundamental element of our being. I'm more surprised that so many on this thread seem to agree with that premise. Fuckung without some sort of feeling is just friction. You may as well just have a wank if there's such a lack of human connection of whatever form it takes. But then I'm sure that I pretty much never fit the conventional view of what fab is all about. Or at least until reading this thread.... | |||
"Bloody hell this thread has been an eye opener. I.never imagined people had these kind of thoughts. My thoughts have nothing to do with me being in a relationship ive always had the same thoughts. Im not precious about men couldnt careless what they do as long as when they are with me i have their respect and undivided attention. I did think this was a swingers site when i joined Perhaps people are more complex than some give them credit for. I said often in the forums that trying to switch off emotions is all but impossible. They are a fundamental element of our being. I'm more surprised that so many on this thread seem to agree with that premise. Fuckung without some sort of feeling is just friction. You may as well just have a wank if there's such a lack of human connection of whatever form it takes. But then I'm sure that I pretty much never fit the conventional view of what fab is all about. Or at least until reading this thread.... " what makes you think theres lack of feeling? | |||
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"Just a quiet muse from myself has brought a bit of a question for myself; so I thought I’d throw it out to you dear forumites. We all flirt on the forums; it’s part of the general every day lubricant that keeps everything running smoothly, but if you’re chatting/ messaging someone and they’re flirting with lots of others does it cool your interest? Now obviously were here because we enjoy multiple partners in one way or another but do you like to be made to feel like a persons focus for the duration of your approach? Do you feel like you’re competing for their attention and if so how do you feel about that? " Doesn't cool my interest one bit. I chat and flirt with multiple people, sometimes simultaneously and have no qualms if people I chat to do the same. What matters is that both ppl enjoy it. There is no rule of exclusivity for this and I feel flirting (when done in good taste) only brings benefits. It's really good fun and brings a smile to my face every time. I certainly try to have the same effect on who i'm flirting with | |||
"Bloody hell this thread has been an eye opener. I.never imagined people had these kind of thoughts. My thoughts have nothing to do with me being in a relationship ive always had the same thoughts. Im not precious about men " Precious?? I don't see why you have to attach such a derogatory term to people having normal human emotions?s? Oh I've had fwb I've met for years without developing any feelings for them but I am sorry - in my eyes THAT is the abnormal situation! | |||
"To be honest, the timing of this thread was awkward for me - and I somewhat regret my attempts at transparency. " I don’t think honesty or transparency are ever bad things. I am sorry if I touched on a tough subject for you though, i would hope that other people’s opinions would help you to clarify your own thoughts. | |||
"Bloody hell this thread has been an eye opener. I.never imagined people had these kind of thoughts. My thoughts have nothing to do with me being in a relationship ive always had the same thoughts. Im not precious about men Precious?? I don't see why you have to attach such a derogatory term to people having normal human emotions?s? Oh I've had fwb I've met for years without developing any feelings for them but I am sorry - in my eyes THAT is the abnormal situation! " but its not abnormal. Its the perfect norm and what id expect on a swingers site. Im not emotionless. I care about all the guys i see but i expect them to meet others. I wouldnt be on a swingers site if i felt differently | |||
"To be honest, the timing of this thread was awkward for me - and I somewhat regret my attempts at transparency. " im glad you did. Ive learnt alot. Its been a real eye opener | |||
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"Bloody hell this thread has been an eye opener. I.never imagined people had these kind of thoughts. My thoughts have nothing to do with me being in a relationship ive always had the same thoughts. Im not precious about men Precious?? I don't see why you have to attach such a derogatory term to people having normal human emotions?s? Oh I've had fwb I've met for years without developing any feelings for them but I am sorry - in my eyes THAT is the abnormal situation! but its not abnormal. Its the perfect norm and what id expect on a swingers site." Yup but swingers are a tiny minority living on a behavioral extreme. That may be natural and normal to some folks, sure, but running totally against the grain to many others who are just passing through. It takes some people a while to work out what they actually want and what they can tolerate. | |||
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"Bloody hell this thread has been an eye opener. I.never imagined people had these kind of thoughts. My thoughts have nothing to do with me being in a relationship ive always had the same thoughts. Im not precious about men Precious?? I don't see why you have to attach such a derogatory term to people having normal human emotions?s? Oh I've had fwb I've met for years without developing any feelings for them but I am sorry - in my eyes THAT is the abnormal situation! but its not abnormal. Its the perfect norm and what id expect on a swingers site. Yup but swingers are a tiny minority living on a behavioral extreme. That may be natural and normal to some folks, sure, but running totally against the grain to many others who are just passing through. It takes some people a while to work out what they actually want and what they can tolerate." i agree its not the"norm" in society but that is why i joined a site designated to swingers to find like minded people. People who have the same thought pattern as me | |||
"To be honest, the timing of this thread was awkward for me - and I somewhat regret my attempts at transparency. " I’ve lived reading your answers, in parts I’d have to agree with you I’m an emotional person and do have to take a step back sometimes. But it’s been very interesting the myriad of opinions x | |||
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"To be honest, the timing of this thread was awkward for me - and I somewhat regret my attempts at transparency. I’ve lived reading your answers, in parts I’d have to agree with you I’m an emotional person and do have to take a step back sometimes. But it’s been very interesting the myriad of opinions x " I’m glad that people have found it interesting, this is one reason why I post. | |||
"Bloody hell this thread has been an eye opener. I.never imagined people had these kind of thoughts. My thoughts have nothing to do with me being in a relationship ive always had the same thoughts. Im not precious about men Precious?? I don't see why you have to attach such a derogatory term to people having normal human emotions?s? Oh I've had fwb I've met for years without developing any feelings for them but I am sorry - in my eyes THAT is the abnormal situation! but its not abnormal. Its the perfect norm and what id expect on a swingers site. Yup but swingers are a tiny minority living on a behavioral extreme. That may be natural and normal to some folks, sure, but running totally against the grain to many others who are just passing through. It takes some people a while to work out what they actually want and what they can tolerate.i agree its not the"norm" in society but that is why i joined a site designated to swingers to find like minded people. People who have the same thought pattern as me" And I am sure there are many here. I just don't know why you are surprised to find the majority view here as well. | |||
"Bloody hell this thread has been an eye opener. I.never imagined people had these kind of thoughts. My thoughts have nothing to do with me being in a relationship ive always had the same thoughts. Im not precious about men Precious?? I don't see why you have to attach such a derogatory term to people having normal human emotions?s? Oh I've had fwb I've met for years without developing any feelings for them but I am sorry - in my eyes THAT is the abnormal situation! but its not abnormal. Its the perfect norm and what id expect on a swingers site. Yup but swingers are a tiny minority living on a behavioral extreme. That may be natural and normal to some folks, sure, but running totally against the grain to many others who are just passing through. It takes some people a while to work out what they actually want and what they can tolerate.i agree its not the"norm" in society but that is why i joined a site designated to swingers to find like minded people. People who have the same thought pattern as me And I am sure there are many here. I just don't know why you are surprised to find the majority view here as well." im surprised. Genuinely. That so many people on this thread have these thoughts on a swingers site | |||
"Bloody hell this thread has been an eye opener. I.never imagined people had these kind of thoughts. My thoughts have nothing to do with me being in a relationship ive always had the same thoughts. Im not precious about men Precious?? I don't see why you have to attach such a derogatory term to people having normal human emotions?s? Oh I've had fwb I've met for years without developing any feelings for them but I am sorry - in my eyes THAT is the abnormal situation! but its not abnormal. Its the perfect norm and what id expect on a swingers site. Yup but swingers are a tiny minority living on a behavioral extreme. That may be natural and normal to some folks, sure, but running totally against the grain to many others who are just passing through. It takes some people a while to work out what they actually want and what they can tolerate.i agree its not the"norm" in society but that is why i joined a site designated to swingers to find like minded people. People who have the same thought pattern as me And I am sure there are many here. I just don't know why you are surprised to find the majority view here as well.im surprised. Genuinely. That so many people on this thread have these thoughts on a swingers site" Ah well - welcome to the human race!!   | |||
"Just a quiet muse from myself has brought a bit of a question for myself; so I thought I’d throw it out to you dear forumites. We all flirt on the forums; it’s part of the general every day lubricant that keeps everything running smoothly, but if you’re chatting/ messaging someone and they’re flirting with lots of others does it cool your interest? Now obviously were here because we enjoy multiple partners in one way or another but do you like to be made to feel like a persons focus for the duration of your approach? Do you feel like you’re competing for their attention and if so how do you feel about that? " It doesnt bother me in the slightest to be honest.. its the nature of the site after all.. At any given time i am chatting and flirting with at least 2 others.. and as they are all on here at different times it works out quite well | |||
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"Just a quiet muse from myself has brought a bit of a question for myself; so I thought I’d throw it out to you dear forumites. We all flirt on the forums; it’s part of the general every day lubricant that keeps everything running smoothly, but if you’re chatting/ messaging someone and they’re flirting with lots of others does it cool your interest? Now obviously were here because we enjoy multiple partners in one way or another but do you like to be made to feel like a persons focus for the duration of your approach? Do you feel like you’re competing for their attention and if so how do you feel about that? It is an interesting dilemma. One I have been thinking about too. if you’re chatting/ messaging someone and they’re flirting with lots of others does it cool your interest? Yes. And no. Sometimes it does exactly that (for me). If I am brutally honest, there’s a few layers to it; the key issue is perhaps I’m not sure I’m always secure enough to be a comfortable swinger. I mean I’m not in a primary relationship that I draw security from and hence the majority of sexual encounters I participate in there is always a varying degree of hope for something more. That tinge of want or hope doesn’t align with the acceptance, or immediate acceptance, of everyone here to have all the sex with all the people bonhomie. I also have insecurities - my body, my intelligence, my interest to others, my previous patterns with partners, and it’s hard enough to take a leap of faith in being intimate with someone as it is without the obvious information that any trust being built is not unique or special. I understand rationally the arguments against one interaction negating another, I truly do - but tell my heart and scared inner child that. The issue for me is the more I really like someone the more anxious I am about not being enough. And the more obvious it becomes to me that is not the right place to interact with people I really like. Or I must lobotomise the part of my head that overwhelmingly falls foul of not hoping for more, and isn’t triggered as if in some perpetual romantic movie. The dilemma is that if I’m really aware and clued in on their other liaisons, sometimes actually I can scale back that excitement and find that I have less of a problem (maybe I can cope better, is what I mean) so actually in that situation seeing how they flirt and interact publicly can temper me and keep me in check. Or nullifies the hope thing at the right time. Blindsiding is difficult, suddenly becoming aware of other “relationships” (for want of a better word). And again, I put this all back to being single rather than part of a committed swinging couple. Personally, I have always preferred to check a little with someone prior to starting the 1 on 1 type of flirting, and my tendency if they are involved or wanting to be involved with forumites female friends particularly, that is an area of no-go for me having had bad experiences of this. I don’t always manage due diligence here though, and have hurt people and been hurt - which makes me sad. do you like to be made to feel like a persons focus for the duration of your approach? Yes, but no but. I wonder if sometimes (for me) this is worse if it then ceases once sex has occurred - again, I really am wondering if I need to be far more boundaried on here. You know when it isn’t a problem for me? When I feel clear that the person isn’t someone I could fall for, or when (and I appreciate this makes me sound awful) the person likes me more than I like them. Then I can do NSA and I wouldn’t feel a twinge of angst if I witnessed other flirting, in fact should I feel anything then I’d know that it was a needy, ego stroking, competitive streak which is an ugly side of me, and I’d do well to be exposed to situations to help me kick it to the curb. Apologies. I’m rambling. " But as others have said, in a very good way and there’s a fair bit in there that resonates with me. I don’t think I really do any flirting on the forums, but have been fished in a bit and post a wee bit now, just as has happened with other forums over the years. So I don’t quite have the issue of seeing people I’m flirting with, flirt with others. But if there’s someone I’ve met and consider a great Fab pal, then I suppose it’s only human nature to notice a wee bit of flirting sometimes. And as others have said it can bring out the green eyed one sometimes, even though I know really it needn’t. I definitely agree with the yes or no though. It definitely isn’t a case of flirting = bad, no flirting = good. But rather it seems incredibly nuanced, and some things that might seem fine, might create more of a twinge than I might think, and vice versa. I suppose blindsiding hits the nail on the head. Part of having a good Fab pal is that you kind of know a fair amount about them, about the sort of people they might actually meet, or about the manner in which they might typically end up meeting someone. So I guess if there’s some flirting with someone on here, and it seems to match the same impression I might already have of them, then it probably wouldn’t bother me too much. But if I felt blindsided, and noticed some flirting that maybe jarred a little with what I thought I knew about them, then even if he flirting was pretty innocuous it might cause a wee twinge. Similarly, if the person they were flirting with seemed kind of likeable and friendly, or there seemed some history of banter between them and they’re profile seemed reasonable, or the person obviously seemed part of the general forum fabric, then again it would hopefully bother me much less. But having said that, it’s a double edged sword and maybe I’d get some irrational fear that some harmless flirting today, would be a meet tonorrow, and be my replacement by the end of the week. But if it was with someone I had a less good read on and had the impression they might not be all that, then that might be likely to bother me a bit more. I suppose there would be an element of thinking they hadn’t really done enough to warrant a bit of flirting, and that would maybe make it jar quite a lot. Not that I think people I know shouldn’t flirt, absolutely not. But I guess I hold my best Fab pals in very high regard, and think they’re great. So I suppose human nature, or the protective part of me might think the other person should have to do a bit more to earn that sort of flirtatious attention. Or maybe make me feel less important to them if I see that sort of attention being given away more easily. Something which I’ve kind of noticed with people having other meets, and that’s the notion that the green eyed monster is usually triggered because of betrayal and / or rejection. In normal life, someone we care about sleeping with someone else goes hand in hand with betrayal and/or rejection. But in the world of Fab it more often does not. It’s just how we’re wired to make that association and so get those twinges even if in this context we really needn’t. But ultimately I guess we all need to recognise it for what it is - mostly harmless flirty banter. So depending on if you’re the one doing the flirting, or the one seeing the flirting, it’s probably going to take on different amounts of significance. And the chances are the one seeing the flirting will be the one with the distorted view, because of the insecurities that we all have to a greater or lesser degree. For example, I always interpret the emoji as far more leading than it often is intended to be. So maybe if I was honest, I wouldn’t like to see that bandied around too much. But I know that’s mostly my thing to deal with.
Someone else mentioned something I’d probably agree with. If there are people who are pals off the forum, and are aware of anything approaching feelings, then maybe sometimes it’s worth both parties thinking how they’d feel if some posts were posted by the other.
Anyway, that’s my 2 cents of rambling. Which may or may not make sense to anyone other than me. | |||
" when (and I appreciate this makes me sound awful) the person likes me more than I like them. Then I can do NSA..." I have been in situations where this has happened and have been conscious of another’s possible feelings for me and because of that have decided not to be intimate as that would have been hurtful to them. My point in the post was explaining more about the occasions when I could view flirting and not be as hurt by it. And not that I’d be okay for someone else to be hurt. | |||
