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Self-sabotage/confidence
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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So I read this, and I’ll just post the five things here, rather than the full content:
Five self-sabotaging things unconfident people sometimes do:
1. Unconfident people keep their good ideas to themselves.
2. Unconfident people overthink rather than directly asking for what they want.
3. Unconfident people defer decisions to other people, even when they have more investment in the outcomes of those decisions than whoever they're deferring to.
4. Unconfident people ruminate about how to absolutely ensure other people will have a good reaction to their behavior.
5. Unconfident people let mistakes from their past hold them back from taking important actions today.
Do you find you fall foul of these? Which one is your nemesis? Are you committed to doing something differently? You can proclaim your pledge here if you want us to hold you accountable!
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"So I read this, and I’ll just post the five things here, rather than the full content:
Five self-sabotaging things unconfident people sometimes do:
1. Unconfident people keep their good ideas to themselves.
2. Unconfident people overthink rather than directly asking for what they want.
3. Unconfident people defer decisions to other people, even when they have more investment in the outcomes of those decisions than whoever they're deferring to.
4. Unconfident people ruminate about how to absolutely ensure other people will have a good reaction to their behavior.
5. Unconfident people let mistakes from their past hold them back from taking important actions today.
Do you find you fall foul of these? Which one is your nemesis? Are you committed to doing something differently? You can proclaim your pledge here if you want us to hold you accountable!
"
Depending on the situation and circumstance 1, 2, 3 and 5. A lot less 4.
I've been working on it and see improvement.
My confidence took a massive knock recently, it's taking me a while to get back.
Demons from the past, dark thoughts.
One day at a time.....
Work in progress.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"So I read this, and I’ll just post the five things here, rather than the full content:
Five self-sabotaging things unconfident people sometimes do:
1. Unconfident people keep their good ideas to themselves.
2. Unconfident people overthink rather than directly asking for what they want.
3. Unconfident people defer decisions to other people, even when they have more investment in the outcomes of those decisions than whoever they're deferring to.
4. Unconfident people ruminate about how to absolutely ensure other people will have a good reaction to their behavior.
5. Unconfident people let mistakes from their past hold them back from taking important actions today.
Do you find you fall foul of these? Which one is your nemesis? Are you committed to doing something differently? You can proclaim your pledge here if you want us to hold you accountable!
Depending on the situation and circumstance 1, 2, 3 and 5. A lot less 4.
I've been working on it and see improvement.
My confidence took a massive knock recently, it's taking me a while to get back.
Demons from the past, dark thoughts.
One day at a time.....
Work in progress.
"
 it absolutely is a work in progress, isn’t it? Setbacks are tough. Especially when they make you question everything again. Keep at it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm guilty of them all but definitely number 5 is the worst. I often look at past experiences and focus on the negative when thinking how things could go if I try again.
I'm working on it though, living in the now and owning my actions. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I'm guilty of them all but definitely number 5 is the worst. I often look at past experiences and focus on the negative when thinking how things could go if I try again.
I'm working on it though, living in the now and owning my actions. "
What is the reason that we are more inclined to focus on the negative, I wonder? I’m thinking onward to that scenario when someone says lots of lovely things to you but the one critique or comment confirming a truth that is your insecurity is enough for you to block out all the good? And yes, it’s hard to imagine positive outcomes when experientially you’ve no evidence for them yet, and then there’s the dilemma of self-fulfilling prophecy if you only expect the worst...!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Definitely number 5 with a mix of some of the others... workwise I am confident but personally it can be lacking... BUT I am working hard to build it up and to remember I am an ok person without been arrogant!!  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I used too now I'm quite mindful and very positive .
Keeps me cheery
A tip I learnt is to be as compassionate with yourself as you are with others.
Be gentle yo yourself |
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By *iss SJWoman
over a year ago
Hull |
I’m definitely all of them. I’m trying really hard to overcome a lot of my confidence issues and set myself little goals to achieve. It’s a slow process though and I’m struggling with it. I missed some brilliant opportunities recently because of my issues so I know I’ve got a ways to go yet. I have managed to do other things that have taken me completely out of my comfort zone though and I try to remind myself I can do it.
Just being on fab is an achievement for me. I’ve changed a lot since joining. With the help of some very lovely people from here |
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"I'm guilty of them all but definitely number 5 is the worst. I often look at past experiences and focus on the negative when thinking how things could go if I try again.
I'm working on it though, living in the now and owning my actions.
What is the reason that we are more inclined to focus on the negative, I wonder? I’m thinking onward to that scenario when someone says lots of lovely things to you but the one critique or comment confirming a truth that is your insecurity is enough for you to block out all the good? And yes, it’s hard to imagine positive outcomes when experientially you’ve no evidence for them yet, and then there’s the dilemma of self-fulfilling prophecy if you only expect the worst...!! "
I think a lot of it is conditioning. I did an old school apprenticeship. Spent 5 years being told I wasn't good enough, wasn't fast enough, would never make it etc.
Same at school.... old school, nothing was ever right.
Those days no one really understood how much that kind of thing can fuck kids up in their later life.
If you keep telling people they're not good enough or can't do something, eventually they'll believe it.
It's why I spent so much time studying psychology, getting my head around how I can benefit people by the way I interact with them.
One of my proudest moments being, invited to deliver a presentation on personal development at Wembley conference centre. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was guilty of all 5 in the past but not so anymore..
I had a word and told myself you need to pull yourself together otherwise you will get nowhere in life...
Overthinking is definitely the worst thing... that can be a total confidence zapper...
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By *tonMessCouple
over a year ago
Slough Windsor ish |
I used to be able to say yes to all 5 of those things but I've been taking stock of my life and practicing mindfulness and a bit of Buddhism, chanting and meditation etc. I have become a very positive person as a result. I believe in kindness and compassion to all and as such show those to myself too.
All this has taken a while to achieve but so worth it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I'm guilty of them all but definitely number 5 is the worst. I often look at past experiences and focus on the negative when thinking how things could go if I try again.
I'm working on it though, living in the now and owning my actions.
What is the reason that we are more inclined to focus on the negative, I wonder? I’m thinking onward to that scenario when someone says lots of lovely things to you but the one critique or comment confirming a truth that is your insecurity is enough for you to block out all the good? And yes, it’s hard to imagine positive outcomes when experientially you’ve no evidence for them yet, and then there’s the dilemma of self-fulfilling prophecy if you only expect the worst...!! "
A big thing for me is feeling embarrassed. Most of my shyness comes from fear of being judged or looking silly in front of people so looking back at past experiences that's the one emotion which stands out most for me, it can be overwhelming at times.
That's the thing with new experiences too, if we have nothing to compare it to then there is no "it was ok last time" so fear raises anxiety and causes more negative behaviour which can in turn ruin things. It sucks! |
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" A big thing for me is feeling embarrassed. Most of my shyness comes from fear of being judged or looking silly in front of people so looking back at past experiences that's the one emotion which stands out most for me, it can be overwhelming at times.
That's the thing with new experiences too, if we have nothing to compare it to then there is no "it was ok last time" so fear raises anxiety and causes more negative behaviour which can in turn ruin things. It sucks! "
Abaolutely 2,4,5. I’m with you about the embarrassment too. I still get anxiety about things that happened 20 years ago, that caused me to feel embarrassment or humiliated.
And I always want people to like me. Probably to the point of coming across as needy actually. Which isn’t exactly attractive.
As for things in my past holding me back. I’ve turned down awesome opportunities because of that. Because I’m scared to make the same mistakes, or not be quite good enough. Or just enough. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Definitely number 5 with a mix of some of the others... workwise I am confident but personally it can be lacking... BUT I am working hard to build it up and to remember I am an ok person without been arrogant!! "
It does feel self indulgent bigging myself up, and then I feel guilty. Ugh. |
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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago
Craggy Island |
"So I read this, and I’ll just post the five things here, rather than the full content:
Five self-sabotaging things unconfident people sometimes do:
1. Unconfident people keep their good ideas to themselves.
2. Unconfident people overthink rather than directly asking for what they want.
3. Unconfident people defer decisions to other people, even when they have more investment in the outcomes of those decisions than whoever they're deferring to.
4. Unconfident people ruminate about how to absolutely ensure other people will have a good reaction to their behavior.
5. Unconfident people let mistakes from their past hold them back from taking important actions today.
Do you find you fall foul of these? Which one is your nemesis? Are you committed to doing something differently? You can proclaim your pledge here if you want us to hold you accountable!
"
I agree been there myself |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I used too now I'm quite mindful and very positive .
Keeps me cheery
A tip I learnt is to be as compassionate with yourself as you are with others.
Be gentle yo yourself "
That’s a great tip re the compassion. Sometimes I feel devoid of compassion for others though. Sometimes I think people are deliberate cunts. Myself included. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I’m definitely all of them. I’m trying really hard to overcome a lot of my confidence issues and set myself little goals to achieve. It’s a slow process though and I’m struggling with it. I missed some brilliant opportunities recently because of my issues so I know I’ve got a ways to go yet. I have managed to do other things that have taken me completely out of my comfort zone though and I try to remind myself I can do it.
Just being on fab is an achievement for me. I’ve changed a lot since joining. With the help of some very lovely people from here "
Good on you. Keep going!
It’s frustrating that comfort zones are comfy, I find. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I'm guilty of them all but definitely number 5 is the worst. I often look at past experiences and focus on the negative when thinking how things could go if I try again.
I'm working on it though, living in the now and owning my actions.
What is the reason that we are more inclined to focus on the negative, I wonder? I’m thinking onward to that scenario when someone says lots of lovely things to you but the one critique or comment confirming a truth that is your insecurity is enough for you to block out all the good? And yes, it’s hard to imagine positive outcomes when experientially you’ve no evidence for them yet, and then there’s the dilemma of self-fulfilling prophecy if you only expect the worst...!!
I think a lot of it is conditioning. I did an old school apprenticeship. Spent 5 years being told I wasn't good enough, wasn't fast enough, would never make it etc.
Same at school.... old school, nothing was ever right.
Those days no one really understood how much that kind of thing can fuck kids up in their later life.
If you keep telling people they're not good enough or can't do something, eventually they'll believe it.
It's why I spent so much time studying psychology, getting my head around how I can benefit people by the way I interact with them.
One of my proudest moments being, invited to deliver a presentation on personal development at Wembley conference centre."
Well done. And yes, I attended some interesting continued training on trauma-informed care recently which was such a good reminder around how we respond to things in our lives and the knock on effects. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I was guilty of all 5 in the past but not so anymore..
I had a word and told myself you need to pull yourself together otherwise you will get nowhere in life...
Overthinking is definitely the worst thing... that can be a total confidence zapper...
"
Overthinking is the pits. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Definitely number 2 and 3.i come across quite confident but my anxiety can be very high inside "
It fills my whole chest and I feel like I might pop. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I used too now I'm quite mindful and very positive .
Keeps me cheery
A tip I learnt is to be as compassionate with yourself as you are with others.
Be gentle yo yourself
That’s a great tip re the compassion. Sometimes I feel devoid of compassion for others though. Sometimes I think people are deliberate cunts. Myself included."
Oh you sausage . You need a cwtch x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Number 2 is one of mine
Absolutley do this all the time. I also over complicate things with the over thinking. "
I hear you! I can run a myriad of possibilities through my head in three seconds. It makes me super fast and thorough at work, but it never fails to block me in my personal stuff. It also means I’m some way down the line in a conversation as I’ve been bouncing further ahead and can be confusing for the person I’m talking to who has no idea where I’ve got to.
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I used to be able to say yes to all 5 of those things but I've been taking stock of my life and practicing mindfulness and a bit of Buddhism, chanting and meditation etc. I have become a very positive person as a result. I believe in kindness and compassion to all and as such show those to myself too.
All this has taken a while to achieve but so worth it."
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"So I read this, and I’ll just post the five things here, rather than the full content:
Five self-sabotaging things unconfident people sometimes do:
1. Unconfident people keep their good ideas to themselves.
2. Unconfident people overthink rather than directly asking for what they want.
3. Unconfident people defer decisions to other people, even when they have more investment in the outcomes of those decisions than whoever they're deferring to.
4. Unconfident people ruminate about how to absolutely ensure other people will have a good reaction to their behavior.
5. Unconfident people let mistakes from their past hold them back from taking important actions today.
Do you find you fall foul of these? Which one is your nemesis? Are you committed to doing something differently? You can proclaim your pledge here if you want us to hold you accountable!
"
Yes I’m guilty of all of them but no 2 is my main failing. Though no 5 isn’t far behind. I’m trying hard to get past it but at the moment my confidence has taken a knock and is in the process of taking another one. X |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I'm guilty of them all but definitely number 5 is the worst. I often look at past experiences and focus on the negative when thinking how things could go if I try again.
I'm working on it though, living in the now and owning my actions.
What is the reason that we are more inclined to focus on the negative, I wonder? I’m thinking onward to that scenario when someone says lots of lovely things to you but the one critique or comment confirming a truth that is your insecurity is enough for you to block out all the good? And yes, it’s hard to imagine positive outcomes when experientially you’ve no evidence for them yet, and then there’s the dilemma of self-fulfilling prophecy if you only expect the worst...!!
A big thing for me is feeling embarrassed. Most of my shyness comes from fear of being judged or looking silly in front of people so looking back at past experiences that's the one emotion which stands out most for me, it can be overwhelming at times.
That's the thing with new experiences too, if we have nothing to compare it to then there is no "it was ok last time" so fear raises anxiety and causes more negative behaviour which can in turn ruin things. It sucks! "
I’m in a constant cycle of embarrassment, shame, guilt, fear and defensiveness. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
" A big thing for me is feeling embarrassed. Most of my shyness comes from fear of being judged or looking silly in front of people so looking back at past experiences that's the one emotion which stands out most for me, it can be overwhelming at times.
That's the thing with new experiences too, if we have nothing to compare it to then there is no "it was ok last time" so fear raises anxiety and causes more negative behaviour which can in turn ruin things. It sucks!
Abaolutely 2,4,5. I’m with you about the embarrassment too. I still get anxiety about things that happened 20 years ago, that caused me to feel embarrassment or humiliated.
And I always want people to like me. Probably to the point of coming across as needy actually. Which isn’t exactly attractive.
As for things in my past holding me back. I’ve turned down awesome opportunities because of that. Because I’m scared to make the same mistakes, or not be quite good enough. Or just enough. "
I abhor my neediness. And then I hate those that tolerate it in me, which is unfair. And those that don’t tolerate it in me, cause me damage.
Shrugs. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"So I read this, and I’ll just post the five things here, rather than the full content:
Five self-sabotaging things unconfident people sometimes do:
1. Unconfident people keep their good ideas to themselves.
2. Unconfident people overthink rather than directly asking for what they want.
3. Unconfident people defer decisions to other people, even when they have more investment in the outcomes of those decisions than whoever they're deferring to.
4. Unconfident people ruminate about how to absolutely ensure other people will have a good reaction to their behavior.
5. Unconfident people let mistakes from their past hold them back from taking important actions today.
Do you find you fall foul of these? Which one is your nemesis? Are you committed to doing something differently? You can proclaim your pledge here if you want us to hold you accountable!
I agree been there myself "
 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"2 & 5 ring especially true.
I have often held back and even today I over think things.
Working on it and I'm taking small steps to remedy it. "
Keep it up |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I used too now I'm quite mindful and very positive .
Keeps me cheery
A tip I learnt is to be as compassionate with yourself as you are with others.
Be gentle yo yourself
That’s a great tip re the compassion. Sometimes I feel devoid of compassion for others though. Sometimes I think people are deliberate cunts. Myself included.
Oh you sausage . You need a cwtch x "
Totes do. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"So I read this, and I’ll just post the five things here, rather than the full content:
Five self-sabotaging things unconfident people sometimes do:
1. Unconfident people keep their good ideas to themselves.
2. Unconfident people overthink rather than directly asking for what they want.
3. Unconfident people defer decisions to other people, even when they have more investment in the outcomes of those decisions than whoever they're deferring to.
4. Unconfident people ruminate about how to absolutely ensure other people will have a good reaction to their behavior.
5. Unconfident people let mistakes from their past hold them back from taking important actions today.
Do you find you fall foul of these? Which one is your nemesis? Are you committed to doing something differently? You can proclaim your pledge here if you want us to hold you accountable!
Yes I’m guilty of all of them but no 2 is my main failing. Though no 5 isn’t far behind. I’m trying hard to get past it but at the moment my confidence has taken a knock and is in the process of taking another one. X "
Oh I’m sorry to hear that. Hugs. |
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"So I read this, and I’ll just post the five things here, rather than the full content:
Five self-sabotaging things unconfident people sometimes do:
1. Unconfident people keep their good ideas to themselves.
2. Unconfident people overthink rather than directly asking for what they want.
3. Unconfident people defer decisions to other people, even when they have more investment in the outcomes of those decisions than whoever they're deferring to.
4. Unconfident people ruminate about how to absolutely ensure other people will have a good reaction to their behavior.
5. Unconfident people let mistakes from their past hold them back from taking important actions today.
Do you find you fall foul of these? Which one is your nemesis? Are you committed to doing something differently? You can proclaim your pledge here if you want us to hold you accountable!
"
I don't think any of those are exclusive to people with a lack of confidence though, relationships of all sort are a compromise sometimes. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"So I read this, and I’ll just post the five things here, rather than the full content:
Five self-sabotaging things unconfident people sometimes do:
1. Unconfident people keep their good ideas to themselves.
2. Unconfident people overthink rather than directly asking for what they want.
3. Unconfident people defer decisions to other people, even when they have more investment in the outcomes of those decisions than whoever they're deferring to.
4. Unconfident people ruminate about how to absolutely ensure other people will have a good reaction to their behavior.
5. Unconfident people let mistakes from their past hold them back from taking important actions today.
Do you find you fall foul of these? Which one is your nemesis? Are you committed to doing something differently? You can proclaim your pledge here if you want us to hold you accountable!
I don't think any of those are exclusive to people with a lack of confidence though, relationships of all sort are a compromise sometimes."
Not quite sure I’ve followed you - a confident person will do the above things? |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"None of the above.
But I am harder on my self than other people are on me. If I mess something up I get pissed with myself when others don't worry about it."
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"I dont relate to any of those things
Confidence winning "
the thing is i dont put it down to confidence. I dont allow me to repeatdly go back to my past. Been there done it and moved on. Also some people said they want everyone to like them. We all want to be liked but where never going to be liked by everyone. I work on a simple rule. Some will. Some wont and some dont care either way. Whether thats our looks. Personality. Issues in our lives. I just concentrate on the people that do want to invest in me. Like me as a person and care. I dont think twice about the other people |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I'm guilty of them all but definitely number 5 is the worst. I often look at past experiences and focus on the negative when thinking how things could go if I try again.
I'm working on it though, living in the now and owning my actions.
What is the reason that we are more inclined to focus on the negative, I wonder? I’m thinking onward to that scenario when someone says lots of lovely things to you but the one critique or comment confirming a truth that is your insecurity is enough for you to block out all the good? And yes, it’s hard to imagine positive outcomes when experientially you’ve no evidence for them yet, and then there’s the dilemma of self-fulfilling prophecy if you only expect the worst...!!
A big thing for me is feeling embarrassed. Most of my shyness comes from fear of being judged or looking silly in front of people so looking back at past experiences that's the one emotion which stands out most for me, it can be overwhelming at times.
That's the thing with new experiences too, if we have nothing to compare it to then there is no "it was ok last time" so fear raises anxiety and causes more negative behaviour which can in turn ruin things. It sucks! "
This is me 100% (Mrs) Just out a meeting where I blushed almost continuously and my body is red and blotchy from the chest up. Struggling with a few areas of my life and can't seem to get things to balance out. |
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"So I read this, and I’ll just post the five things here, rather than the full content:
Five self-sabotaging things unconfident people sometimes do:
1. Unconfident people keep their good ideas to themselves.
2. Unconfident people overthink rather than directly asking for what they want.
3. Unconfident people defer decisions to other people, even when they have more investment in the outcomes of those decisions than whoever they're deferring to.
4. Unconfident people ruminate about how to absolutely ensure other people will have a good reaction to their behavior.
5. Unconfident people let mistakes from their past hold them back from taking important actions today.
Do you find you fall foul of these? Which one is your nemesis? Are you committed to doing something differently? You can proclaim your pledge here if you want us to hold you accountable!
"
2 and 5 but I would class that as making me methodical and careful not unconfident. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
5 for me. Worked in a&e and lost patients, some kids too.
Confidence went , Went out, got absolutely plastered and ended up unconscious and arrested for "d*unk and incapable". Tjouht "fuck this i can't hack it anymore".
Ive another job now but still have confidence issues esp if stressed and feel out my depth.
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"So I read this, and I’ll just post the five things here, rather than the full content:
Five self-sabotaging things unconfident people sometimes do:
1. Unconfident people keep their good ideas to themselves.
2. Unconfident people overthink rather than directly asking for what they want.
3. Unconfident people defer decisions to other people, even when they have more investment in the outcomes of those decisions than whoever they're deferring to.
4. Unconfident people ruminate about how to absolutely ensure other people will have a good reaction to their behavior.
5. Unconfident people let mistakes from their past hold them back from taking important actions today.
Do you find you fall foul of these? Which one is your nemesis? Are you committed to doing something differently? You can proclaim your pledge here if you want us to hold you accountable!
I don't think any of those are exclusive to people with a lack of confidence though, relationships of all sort are a compromise sometimes.
Not quite sure I’ve followed you - a confident person will do the above things?"
Sure, sometimes you have to think very carefully how to do something, or say something to avoid hurting or upsetting someone for instance, or decide to defer a decision you don't agree with, or a need of your own for the sake of a peaceful life or someone else's well being. I think even confident people do that eg for members of their family all the time, though there is a balance to be struck I agree. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"So I read this, and I’ll just post the five things here, rather than the full content:
Five self-sabotaging things unconfident people sometimes do:
1. Unconfident people keep their good ideas to themselves.
2. Unconfident people overthink rather than directly asking for what they want.
3. Unconfident people defer decisions to other people, even when they have more investment in the outcomes of those decisions than whoever they're deferring to.
4. Unconfident people ruminate about how to absolutely ensure other people will have a good reaction to their behavior.
5. Unconfident people let mistakes from their past hold them back from taking important actions today.
Do you find you fall foul of these? Which one is your nemesis? Are you committed to doing something differently? You can proclaim your pledge here if you want us to hold you accountable!
I don't think any of those are exclusive to people with a lack of confidence though, relationships of all sort are a compromise sometimes.
Not quite sure I’ve followed you - a confident person will do the above things?
Sure, sometimes you have to think very carefully how to do something, or say something to avoid hurting or upsetting someone for instance, or decide to defer a decision you don't agree with, or a need of your own for the sake of a peaceful life or someone else's well being. I think even confident people do that eg for members of their family all the time, though there is a balance to be struck I agree."
Yeah this answers what I'm thinking too, but in a much better way than I could explain. Even no. 3 isn't necessarily negative. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I dont relate to any of those things
Confidence winning the thing is i dont put it down to confidence. I dont allow me to repeatdly go back to my past. Been there done it and moved on. Also some people said they want everyone to like them. We all want to be liked but where never going to be liked by everyone. I work on a simple rule. Some will. Some wont and some dont care either way. Whether thats our looks. Personality. Issues in our lives. I just concentrate on the people that do want to invest in me. Like me as a person and care. I dont think twice about the other people"
I think you’re absolutely right. I need to keep learning how to do that. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"All of them if I'm honest.
In my head I'm a terrible procastinator. My own worst enemy.
Ss"
Maybe this quote will help with the procrastination:
If the first thing you do each morning is to eat a live frog, you can go through the day with the satisfaction of knowing that that is probably the worst thing that is going to happen to you all day long.
Mark Twain
Perhaps you should do the free 16Personalities (Myers Briggs) test too.
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I'm guilty of them all but definitely number 5 is the worst. I often look at past experiences and focus on the negative when thinking how things could go if I try again.
I'm working on it though, living in the now and owning my actions.
What is the reason that we are more inclined to focus on the negative, I wonder? I’m thinking onward to that scenario when someone says lots of lovely things to you but the one critique or comment confirming a truth that is your insecurity is enough for you to block out all the good? And yes, it’s hard to imagine positive outcomes when experientially you’ve no evidence for them yet, and then there’s the dilemma of self-fulfilling prophecy if you only expect the worst...!!
A big thing for me is feeling embarrassed. Most of my shyness comes from fear of being judged or looking silly in front of people so looking back at past experiences that's the one emotion which stands out most for me, it can be overwhelming at times.
That's the thing with new experiences too, if we have nothing to compare it to then there is no "it was ok last time" so fear raises anxiety and causes more negative behaviour which can in turn ruin things. It sucks!
This is me 100% (Mrs) Just out a meeting where I blushed almost continuously and my body is red and blotchy from the chest up. Struggling with a few areas of my life and can't seem to get things to balance out. "
My mantra is, just keep breathing. X |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"So I read this, and I’ll just post the five things here, rather than the full content:
Five self-sabotaging things unconfident people sometimes do:
1. Unconfident people keep their good ideas to themselves.
2. Unconfident people overthink rather than directly asking for what they want.
3. Unconfident people defer decisions to other people, even when they have more investment in the outcomes of those decisions than whoever they're deferring to.
4. Unconfident people ruminate about how to absolutely ensure other people will have a good reaction to their behavior.
5. Unconfident people let mistakes from their past hold them back from taking important actions today.
Do you find you fall foul of these? Which one is your nemesis? Are you committed to doing something differently? You can proclaim your pledge here if you want us to hold you accountable!
2 and 5 but I would class that as making me methodical and careful not unconfident. "
But if it means you don’t act... |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"I'm a partial 2. As you know, I'm the founder of Overthinkers Anonymous.
When is our next meeting booked? I’ve been worrying about it!"
I'm holding a session at the next STP (don't tell Kinky that I'm calling this one the OTA Special), but I'll give it some more thought.
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"5 for me. Worked in a&e and lost patients, some kids too.
Confidence went , Went out, got absolutely plastered and ended up unconscious and arrested for "d*unk and incapable". Tjouht "fuck this i can't hack it anymore".
Ive another job now but still have confidence issues esp if stressed and feel out my depth.
"
I feel for you, that sounds really tough. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"All of them if I'm honest.
In my head I'm a terrible procastinator. My own worst enemy.
Ss"
Yes, when inaction (from continual rumination) becomes the default action. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"So I read this, and I’ll just post the five things here, rather than the full content:
Five self-sabotaging things unconfident people sometimes do:
1. Unconfident people keep their good ideas to themselves.
2. Unconfident people overthink rather than directly asking for what they want.
3. Unconfident people defer decisions to other people, even when they have more investment in the outcomes of those decisions than whoever they're deferring to.
4. Unconfident people ruminate about how to absolutely ensure other people will have a good reaction to their behavior.
5. Unconfident people let mistakes from their past hold them back from taking important actions today.
Do you find you fall foul of these? Which one is your nemesis? Are you committed to doing something differently? You can proclaim your pledge here if you want us to hold you accountable!
I don't think any of those are exclusive to people with a lack of confidence though, relationships of all sort are a compromise sometimes.
Not quite sure I’ve followed you - a confident person will do the above things?
Sure, sometimes you have to think very carefully how to do something, or say something to avoid hurting or upsetting someone for instance, or decide to defer a decision you don't agree with, or a need of your own for the sake of a peaceful life or someone else's well being. I think even confident people do that eg for members of their family all the time, though there is a balance to be struck I agree."
Ahh, well yes I’d agree with that |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"So I read this, and I’ll just post the five things here, rather than the full content:
Five self-sabotaging things unconfident people sometimes do:
1. Unconfident people keep their good ideas to themselves.
2. Unconfident people overthink rather than directly asking for what they want.
3. Unconfident people defer decisions to other people, even when they have more investment in the outcomes of those decisions than whoever they're deferring to.
4. Unconfident people ruminate about how to absolutely ensure other people will have a good reaction to their behavior.
5. Unconfident people let mistakes from their past hold them back from taking important actions today.
Do you find you fall foul of these? Which one is your nemesis? Are you committed to doing something differently? You can proclaim your pledge here if you want us to hold you accountable!
I don't think any of those are exclusive to people with a lack of confidence though, relationships of all sort are a compromise sometimes.
Not quite sure I’ve followed you - a confident person will do the above things?
Sure, sometimes you have to think very carefully how to do something, or say something to avoid hurting or upsetting someone for instance, or decide to defer a decision you don't agree with, or a need of your own for the sake of a peaceful life or someone else's well being. I think even confident people do that eg for members of their family all the time, though there is a balance to be struck I agree.
Yeah this answers what I'm thinking too, but in a much better way than I could explain. Even no. 3 isn't necessarily negative. "
I think it’s not saying not to think at all and say up pros and cons, but when the doing so overwhelms and stops you ever making the decision or doing the things you want. I’d see that as negative. I didn’t read it as don’t ever compromise, use past experience as a guide or think about stuff!! However, I had the benefit of reading the full article which set the context.
I understand you. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I'm a partial 2. As you know, I'm the founder of Overthinkers Anonymous.
When is our next meeting booked? I’ve been worrying about it!
I'm holding a session at the next STP (don't tell Kinky that I'm calling this one the OTA Special), but I'll give it some more thought.
"
Excellent. I shall ponder on that. |
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Sometimes directly asking for what you want is entirely the wrong thing to do, maybe you ask for a bit more than you want which forces a negotiation, a compromise and then you get exactly what you want without asking for it. Sometimes you need to convince the other person that what you want was their idea. Those are just two examples of approaching no.2 from a different perspective. As for number 5 if you didn’t hesitate and and learn from previous mistakes then you would be leaving yourself open to repeatedly making the same sort of mistake over and over. Some of the worst decisions that are made are ones that have been rushed and not analysed. Sometimes situations call for quick and decisive actions eg a medical emergency, most times though they don’t and a better and ultimately more decisive decision can be made after contemplating the different scenarios and learning from any previous experiences. |
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"All of them if I'm honest.
In my head I'm a terrible procastinator. My own worst enemy.
Ss
Yes, when inaction (from continual rumination) becomes the default action. "
Tentative you have no power. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Self sabotage is something I'm making a lot of effort to try to overcome. I will get there though."
It's what I used to call the fuck it button......and it's starting to appear again  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I’m confident at work but have realised that I’m not when it comes to my personal life..... sadly I can relate to all 5.
Working on it but it’s a slow process
Floppsy x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I think 1. fits with me as I've always liked the idea of an MFF threesome but I never have the confidence to ask. I do have a friend that is up for it but its finding someone to join in which is difficult.
There are also times when I'm having a bad night due to my aspergers, I would feel my confidence slipping into nothingness until I've shut myself down into depression. I lack the confidence to talk to someone I've never met before as I think I fear being rejected. |
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I think i need to point something out here. When i talk about "me" on the forums im talking about the well me and my personality. The unwell me doesnt get mentioned as thats a different person who just takes herself away until she is well. Illness and personality for me are two different things |
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"I think i need to point something out here. When i talk about "me" on the forums im talking about the well me and my personality. The unwell me doesnt get mentioned as thats a different person who just takes herself away until she is well. Illness and personality for me are two different things"
Now I’m intrigued, isn’t that akin to a split personality? If that’s the case then you obviously recognise the symptoms and compartmentalise yourself which in effect creates a divide between your personalities. Surely it’s just better to be one personality who has excessive mood swings? |
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"I think i need to point something out here. When i talk about "me" on the forums im talking about the well me and my personality. The unwell me doesnt get mentioned as thats a different person who just takes herself away until she is well. Illness and personality for me are two different things
Now I’m intrigued, isn’t that akin to a split personality? If that’s the case then you obviously recognise the symptoms and compartmentalise yourself which in effect creates a divide between your personalities. Surely it’s just better to be one personality who has excessive mood swings?"
no its not better at all |
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"So I read this, and I’ll just post the five things here, rather than the full content:
Five self-sabotaging things unconfident people sometimes do:
1. Unconfident people keep their good ideas to themselves.
2. Unconfident people overthink rather than directly asking for what they want.
3. Unconfident people defer decisions to other people, even when they have more investment in the outcomes of those decisions than whoever they're deferring to.
4. Unconfident people ruminate about how to absolutely ensure other people will have a good reaction to their behavior.
5. Unconfident people let mistakes from their past hold them back from taking important actions today.
Do you find you fall foul of these? Which one is your nemesis? Are you committed to doing something differently? You can proclaim your pledge here if you want us to hold you accountable!
"
All 5 of them apply to me now.
Funny I can't see where I went from a confident cocky little shit, to this unconfident adult. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
I've just realised something that has been a problem for me for a while now. When it comes to meeting new people that I've never met or spoken to before, I never have the confidence to introduce myself and when that happens, it gets me down and I feel like I let myself down for now having the courage to do so.
I'm not saying I'm backing out as I still want to got to the social. I just can't help but worry that I'll end up having a bad night like I have over the past few months. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"So I read this, and I’ll just post the five things here, rather than the full content:
Five self-sabotaging things unconfident people sometimes do:
1. Unconfident people keep their good ideas to themselves.
2. Unconfident people overthink rather than directly asking for what they want.
3. Unconfident people defer decisions to other people, even when they have more investment in the outcomes of those decisions than whoever they're deferring to.
4. Unconfident people ruminate about how to absolutely ensure other people will have a good reaction to their behavior.
5. Unconfident people let mistakes from their past hold them back from taking important actions today.
Do you find you fall foul of these? Which one is your nemesis? Are you committed to doing something differently? You can proclaim your pledge here if you want us to hold you accountable!
"
I suffer them all but point three
I am a member of the sad ghost club (legitimately a real thing, give it a Google) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"All 5. I'm my own worst enemy however it doesn't help that some cunts don't help with the confidence by putting bullshit into your head."
True but they only have that power and permission while you give it to them by listening |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"All 5. I'm my own worst enemy however it doesn't help that some cunts don't help with the confidence by putting bullshit into your head.
True but they only have that power and permission while you give it to them by listening "
|
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I think i need to point something out here. When i talk about "me" on the forums im talking about the well me and my personality. The unwell me doesnt get mentioned as thats a different person who just takes herself away until she is well. Illness and personality for me are two different things"
Do you consciously separate the two? I can see the benefits of this. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"Sometimes directly asking for what you want is entirely the wrong thing to do, maybe you ask for a bit more than you want which forces a negotiation, a compromise and then you get exactly what you want without asking for it. Sometimes you need to convince the other person that what you want was their idea. Those are just two examples of approaching no.2 from a different perspective. As for number 5 if you didn’t hesitate and and learn from previous mistakes then you would be leaving yourself open to repeatedly making the same sort of mistake over and over. Some of the worst decisions that are made are ones that have been rushed and not analysed. Sometimes situations call for quick and decisive actions eg a medical emergency, most times though they don’t and a better and ultimately more decisive decision can be made after contemplating the different scenarios and learning from any previous experiences."
Sounds like you see the positives in them too. I like your explanations. |
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"I think i need to point something out here. When i talk about "me" on the forums im talking about the well me and my personality. The unwell me doesnt get mentioned as thats a different person who just takes herself away until she is well. Illness and personality for me are two different things
Do you consciously separate the two? I can see the benefits of this."
yes i do. Im two different people. The unwell me has nothing to do with my natural personality its the illness taking over. |
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By *eKoopleCouple
over a year ago
Germany / Manchester |
I’ve fallen short to many on the list in my past and still keep certain plans and ideas to myself until near execution. I don’t believe in sharing everything despite what some public speakers or self help books would have me do.
Many people fall foul to this list because they focus on an outcome and not a process. By doing the latter, ones confidence will grow with time. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I keep my ideas to myself, but it's cause I am confident. Confident they are amazing ideas and people will steal them on me.
It's actually one of my big fears, people stealing my awesome ideas."
That's a great idea. I shall steal it  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I let all five of those rule my life for decades. These days it's mostly just 2 and 5.
How did you combat them?"
It hasn't been a conscious or deliberate process. I think the main thing for me is age, the older I get the less threatening life feels and the more tolerant I've become of my own many faults.
A lot of people say treat others as you would like to be treated. Do unto others etc. Which is important, but I think it's equally important to treat ourselves as we would treat others. A lot of us are way more tolerant of other people's faults and mistakes than we are of our own, and we neglect to give ourselves the same patience and understanding and love and support that we often show to other people.
I lost years of my life to a paralysing self-doubt that turned me into a total recluse for a long time, afraid even to leave the house for fear of what might happen. I don't know how or why, probably just random events but at some point I just started living again, taking risks, being more open to life.
It's a process of learning through experience that the world doesn't end every time I fuck up or make a twat of myself or find that I can't please everybody or be liked by everybody.
I'm learning to accept and appreciate the unconfident and self-doubting/self-critical part of myself. It has shaped me in some important ways and still does, but I think I'm learning to live with that and take the good from it without letting it define me or rule my life.
I feel like I'm on the home stretch now, I probably don't have a great many years left and however cliched it sounds I appreciate every day of living. Not that I always make the most of them but I know from experience how easily I can slip into a spiral of self-doubt that can put me out of action, and I really don't want to let that happen any more.
Waffle waffle waffle  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"I let all five of those rule my life for decades. These days it's mostly just 2 and 5.
How did you combat them?
It hasn't been a conscious or deliberate process. I think the main thing for me is age, the older I get the less threatening life feels and the more tolerant I've become of my own many faults.
A lot of people say treat others as you would like to be treated. Do unto others etc. Which is important, but I think it's equally important to treat ourselves as we would treat others. A lot of us are way more tolerant of other people's faults and mistakes than we are of our own, and we neglect to give ourselves the same patience and understanding and love and support that we often show to other people.
I lost years of my life to a paralysing self-doubt that turned me into a total recluse for a long time, afraid even to leave the house for fear of what might happen. I don't know how or why, probably just random events but at some point I just started living again, taking risks, being more open to life.
It's a process of learning through experience that the world doesn't end every time I fuck up or make a twat of myself or find that I can't please everybody or be liked by everybody.
I'm learning to accept and appreciate the unconfident and self-doubting/self-critical part of myself. It has shaped me in some important ways and still does, but I think I'm learning to live with that and take the good from it without letting it define me or rule my life.
I feel like I'm on the home stretch now, I probably don't have a great many years left and however cliched it sounds I appreciate every day of living. Not that I always make the most of them but I know from experience how easily I can slip into a spiral of self-doubt that can put me out of action, and I really don't want to let that happen any more.
Waffle waffle waffle "
Nicely put. I like the bit about being kind to ourselves. X |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Sometimes directly asking for what you want is entirely the wrong thing to do, maybe you ask for a bit more than you want which forces a negotiation, a compromise and then you get exactly what you want without asking for it. Sometimes you need to convince the other person that what you want was their idea. Those are just two examples of approaching no.2 from a different perspective. As for number 5 if you didn’t hesitate and and learn from previous mistakes then you would be leaving yourself open to repeatedly making the same sort of mistake over and over. Some of the worst decisions that are made are ones that have been rushed and not analysed. Sometimes situations call for quick and decisive actions eg a medical emergency, most times though they don’t and a better and ultimately more decisive decision can be made after contemplating the different scenarios and learning from any previous experiences."
I agree. I don’t think that’s quite the context of the statements though. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Self sabotage is something I'm making a lot of effort to try to overcome. I will get there though.
It's what I used to call the fuck it button......and it's starting to appear again "
|
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I’m confident at work but have realised that I’m not when it comes to my personal life..... sadly I can relate to all 5.
Working on it but it’s a slow process
Floppsy x"
So much this |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I think 1. fits with me as I've always liked the idea of an MFF threesome but I never have the confidence to ask. I do have a friend that is up for it but its finding someone to join in which is difficult.
There are also times when I'm having a bad night due to my aspergers, I would feel my confidence slipping into nothingness until I've shut myself down into depression. I lack the confidence to talk to someone I've never met before as I think I fear being rejected."
Just do it. X |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I think i need to point something out here. When i talk about "me" on the forums im talking about the well me and my personality. The unwell me doesnt get mentioned as thats a different person who just takes herself away until she is well. Illness and personality for me are two different things"
That makes sense, noted |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"So I read this, and I’ll just post the five things here, rather than the full content:
Five self-sabotaging things unconfident people sometimes do:
1. Unconfident people keep their good ideas to themselves.
2. Unconfident people overthink rather than directly asking for what they want.
3. Unconfident people defer decisions to other people, even when they have more investment in the outcomes of those decisions than whoever they're deferring to.
4. Unconfident people ruminate about how to absolutely ensure other people will have a good reaction to their behavior.
5. Unconfident people let mistakes from their past hold them back from taking important actions today.
Do you find you fall foul of these? Which one is your nemesis? Are you committed to doing something differently? You can proclaim your pledge here if you want us to hold you accountable!
All 5 of them apply to me now.
Funny I can't see where I went from a confident cocky little shit, to this unconfident adult."
Sometimes we just don’t want to see. Hugs x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I've just realised something that has been a problem for me for a while now. When it comes to meeting new people that I've never met or spoken to before, I never have the confidence to introduce myself and when that happens, it gets me down and I feel like I let myself down for now having the courage to do so.
I'm not saying I'm backing out as I still want to got to the social. I just can't help but worry that I'll end up having a bad night like I have over the past few months."
The first group Social I went to with people form Fab, I was terrified. I have social anxiety about meeting new people (although can do this at work with no issue). But I’m so glad I went. Breathe and see what happens. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"All 5. I'm my own worst enemy however it doesn't help that some cunts don't help with the confidence by putting bullshit into your head."
That’s true. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I keep my ideas to myself, but it's cause I am confident. Confident they are amazing ideas and people will steal them on me.
It's actually one of my big fears, people stealing my awesome ideas."
 |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"
I suffer them all but point three
I am a member of the sad ghost club (legitimately a real thing, give it a Google)"
How did I not know about this? Oh! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I’ve fallen short to many on the list in my past and still keep certain plans and ideas to myself until near execution. I don’t believe in sharing everything despite what some public speakers or self help books would have me do.
Many people fall foul to this list because they focus on an outcome and not a process. By doing the latter, ones confidence will grow with time. "
Good point. |
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|
By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"I let all five of those rule my life for decades. These days it's mostly just 2 and 5.
How did you combat them?
It hasn't been a conscious or deliberate process. I think the main thing for me is age, the older I get the less threatening life feels and the more tolerant I've become of my own many faults.
A lot of people say treat others as you would like to be treated. Do unto others etc. Which is important, but I think it's equally important to treat ourselves as we would treat others. A lot of us are way more tolerant of other people's faults and mistakes than we are of our own, and we neglect to give ourselves the same patience and understanding and love and support that we often show to other people.
I lost years of my life to a paralysing self-doubt that turned me into a total recluse for a long time, afraid even to leave the house for fear of what might happen. I don't know how or why, probably just random events but at some point I just started living again, taking risks, being more open to life.
It's a process of learning through experience that the world doesn't end every time I fuck up or make a twat of myself or find that I can't please everybody or be liked by everybody.
I'm learning to accept and appreciate the unconfident and self-doubting/self-critical part of myself. It has shaped me in some important ways and still does, but I think I'm learning to live with that and take the good from it without letting it define me or rule my life.
I feel like I'm on the home stretch now, I probably don't have a great many years left and however cliched it sounds I appreciate every day of living. Not that I always make the most of them but I know from experience how easily I can slip into a spiral of self-doubt that can put me out of action, and I really don't want to let that happen any more.
Waffle waffle waffle "
I’m so sorry that I’m late to reading this. Thank you for taking the time to answer. I really appreciated this |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I'm guilty of doing all of them but on the same note wouldn't say im not confident.
I'm a people pleaser and what people think of me does concern me "
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I've just realised something that has been a problem for me for a while now. When it comes to meeting new people that I've never met or spoken to before, I never have the confidence to introduce myself and when that happens, it gets me down and I feel like I let myself down for now having the courage to do so.
I'm not saying I'm backing out as I still want to got to the social. I just can't help but worry that I'll end up having a bad night like I have over the past few months.
The first group Social I went to with people form Fab, I was terrified. I have social anxiety about meeting new people (although can do this at work with no issue). But I’m so glad I went. Breathe and see what happens. "
Oops I just realised I posted this in the wrong thread as I though I had posted this in the Manchester social thread the other night.
Thanks for the advice by the way. I'm the same with socialising at work without a problem but still having that problem with meeting people when I'm out. |
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Definitely 2 and 4, a bit of the others but I'm getting better. Walking around as a woman for the last 10 years has given me a lot of confidence in being me, and nine months or so of being in this scene has started giving me confidence in revealing the body underneath while still holding onto my personal identity as a woman. But I still overthink when meeting new people. And all of these apply to some extent in my work identity. |
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