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Blame
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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How easy do you find it not to blame someone when things go wrong?
I'm thinking more in a relationship sesensebe that romantic or not, if something isn't right then surely it's a two way thing? If someone does something that's hurt you then there must be an underlying cause for that behaviour?
Are you able to keep calm and remember that or do you go all out and want to hurt them back? Make them feel guilty?
Can you look at your own actions and take responsibility for something you may have done or are you a tit for tat kinda person?
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"How easy do you find it not to blame someone when things go wrong?
I'm thinking more in a relationship sesensebe that romantic or not, if something isn't right then surely it's a two way thing? If someone does something that's hurt you then there must be an underlying cause for that behaviour?
Are you able to keep calm and remember that or do you go all out and want to hurt them back? Make them feel guilty?
Can you look at your own actions and take responsibility for something you may have done or are you a tit for tat kinda person?
"
No tit for tat is for children and would ruin any adult relationship. But when things go wrong sometimes someone is pushed, but sometimes they jump of their own accord too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When my last relationship ended it was 100% his fault on paper but when I look back me being easy going and letting things slide for that amount of time done both of us no favours. I take no responsibility for his narsassism and bad temper but if my attitude was different it could have had a very different outcome x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My husband was to blame for our failed relationship. He admitted it himself in a half hearted apology, when he realised it was over.
There isn't always blame on both sides. Some people said I should have stood up to him, only that would have angered him more and he would have hit out more. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I spent a whole marriage blaming myself for things with a violent partner. It was my fault he hit me, if I hadn't of said that he wouldn't have got annoyed etc etc. So now I'm very much the opposite, sometimes I blame others first have a rant and then step back and analyse. But if I know it's me in the wrong I will apologise |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm not tit for tat either. I didn't cheat when he did. I didn't flare up at him when he did something I didn't like. I didn't come home d*unk and try to beat him up. |
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I’ve not always been able to self reflect , but that’s typical of adolescence, growing up and learning .
What I would say is that we all make our own choices and the only person we have control over should be ourselves . I’d like to think I’m a tad wiser  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I spent my whole marriage with an emotionally abusive man. I always took the blame for everything going wrong even though it was him, I never treated him the same back. I didn’t cheat on him, I always made the first move to talk after a disagreement. I had to otherwise it would have made things even more unbearable for the children and I. So now yes I still blame myself at times but I’m getting better at thinking sometimes it’s not my fault. And I don’t do the tit for tat that’s not being an adult x |
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My last relationship ended with her finding any way to grind me down (emotional abuse and public humiliation) so she didn't have to deal with the guilt of ending it because she wanted someone else.
On the flip side, I could have tried harder, the final year was a depressing one as I literally had no idea on how to save the relationship so instead I buried my head in the sand.
In the end though she got what she wanted, the freedom to start a new relationship as soon as we broke up. Turns out to be the best decision I had made in years. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My tendency is to blame myself. I’m as responsible for creating a dynamic as my partner and should be accountable for that. Although I’m trying to get better at recognising some people choose to be cruel and it may not have been my fault, it’s hard though. I feel a little like a poisoned chalice, it becomes easier over time, and more comfortable perhaps, to accept that I’m just not a somebody who works up close and personal. |
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"My tendency is to blame myself. I’m as responsible for creating a dynamic as my partner and should be accountable for that. Although I’m trying to get better at recognising some people choose to be cruel and it may not have been my fault, it’s hard though. I feel a little like a poisoned chalice, it becomes easier over time, and more comfortable perhaps, to accept that I’m just not a somebody who works up close and personal. "
This sounds a bit like you’re personalising the problem which isn’t helpful |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
I think the things we do, and those we don't, all have a part to play.
I could have walked out the first time o wad hit or demeaned. I could have chosen the man that felt 'too nice' instead of the one with the wicked twinkle. I'm not responsible for what made the abuser abusive or what drove that wicked twinkler to want to chase, win and abandon.
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"My tendency is to blame myself. I’m as responsible for creating a dynamic as my partner and should be accountable for that. Although I’m trying to get better at recognising some people choose to be cruel and it may not have been my fault, it’s hard though. I feel a little like a poisoned chalice, it becomes easier over time, and more comfortable perhaps, to accept that I’m just not a somebody who works up close and personal. "
Or you just haven’t met the right person for you .... yet !!! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
"
I agree.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
"
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend. |
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"
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend. "
This reminds me of my friends experience.
Her husband of over 20 years divorced her. No blame attached to her but he needed to *find himself*. He moved abroad married a woman 50 years younger and expected my friend to accommodate them both when they visited the U.K.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend. "
If you knew you weren't making him happy then why did you stay with him? I'm just curious. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend.
If you knew you weren't making him happy then why did you stay with him? I'm just curious."
Because I couldn't leave the house. He knew that and used it to his advantage. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend.
If you knew you weren't making him happy then why did you stay with him? I'm just curious.
Because I couldn't leave the house. He knew that and used it to his advantage."
Why couldn't you leave? There is always a way if you want to badly enough. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend.
This reminds me of my friends experience.
Her husband of over 20 years divorced her. No blame attached to her but he needed to *find himself*. He moved abroad married a woman 50 years younger and expected my friend to accommodate them both when they visited the U.K.
"
I have to laugh at him. We still all go out as a family and I catch him staring at me. He said that I needed someone more intelligent than him, so I think I made him feel inadequate because I knew more general knowledge answers than him and could grasp technology and he couldn't. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When it starts off, you want to blame the other person. But after a while you start blaming yourself. Then you realise it was the both of you. Blame is always a two way street. Blame on one person for being too pushy, controlling, etc. and blame on one for letting it happen, but ending up changing and being pushed away |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend.
If you knew you weren't making him happy then why did you stay with him? I'm just curious.
Because I couldn't leave the house. He knew that and used it to his advantage.
Why couldn't you leave? There is always a way if you want to badly enough."
Not when I moved to the house to look after my severely disabled sister. If I gave the house up I wouldn't be rehoused and the council wouldn't let him stay there alone. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When it starts off, you want to blame the other person. But after a while you start blaming yourself. Then you realise it was the both of you. Blame is always a two way street. Blame on one person for being too pushy, controlling, etc. and blame on one for letting it happen, but ending up changing and being pushed away"
No, it isn't always a two way street. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"When it starts off, you want to blame the other person. But after a while you start blaming yourself. Then you realise it was the both of you. Blame is always a two way street. Blame on one person for being too pushy, controlling, etc. and blame on one for letting it happen, but ending up changing and being pushed away
No, it isn't always a two way street. "
More traffic flows one way than the other. But the moment you can put some blame onto yourself, even for tiny things, a sense of relief happens. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend.
If you knew you weren't making him happy then why did you stay with him? I'm just curious.
Because I couldn't leave the house. He knew that and used it to his advantage.
Why couldn't you leave? There is always a way if you want to badly enough.
Not when I moved to the house to look after my severely disabled sister. If I gave the house up I wouldn't be rehoused and the council wouldn't let him stay there alone. "
I would privately rent a property. I place far too much value on my happiness to stay somewhere that I'm not happy but I know everyone is different. Hope you're in a happy place now. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend.
If you knew you weren't making him happy then why did you stay with him? I'm just curious.
Because I couldn't leave the house. He knew that and used it to his advantage.
Why couldn't you leave? There is always a way if you want to badly enough.
Not when I moved to the house to look after my severely disabled sister. If I gave the house up I wouldn't be rehoused and the council wouldn't let him stay there alone.
I would privately rent a property. I place far too much value on my happiness to stay somewhere that I'm not happy but I know everyone is different. Hope you're in a happy place now. "
With what? I had no income and no savings. If I gave up the council home the rent on a private place would have been at least double. We split up eventually, once my sister died and I recovered from a debilitating illness. Some things can't be solved quickly. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend.
If you knew you weren't making him happy then why did you stay with him? I'm just curious.
Because I couldn't leave the house. He knew that and used it to his advantage.
Why couldn't you leave? There is always a way if you want to badly enough.
Not when I moved to the house to look after my severely disabled sister. If I gave the house up I wouldn't be rehoused and the council wouldn't let him stay there alone.
I would privately rent a property. I place far too much value on my happiness to stay somewhere that I'm not happy but I know everyone is different. Hope you're in a happy place now.
With what? I had no income and no savings. If I gave up the council home the rent on a private place would have been at least double. We split up eventually, once my sister died and I recovered from a debilitating illness. Some things can't be solved quickly. "
I'm not happy now, but I don't have the stresses of living with him. I'm poorer than I've ever been but I don't need lots of money and I have my grandchildren |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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When me and the wife split up I was truly devestated but I learned a lot about myself. She moved on very quickly with other men and I thought I’d be bitter and twisted. I found myself wishing her well and telling her I was there for her if she ever needed me. 7 failed men down the line she still leans on me when things go wrong and if anything needs doing in her house she asks me to do it, but I’ve learned to distance myself from her nowadays. We’re divorced now but she still thinks she can pick up the phone whenever she likes. She’s told me herself that she’ll never find anybody who loved her like I did. The grass is seldom greener is it. I’m a stronger person now and I’m glad I’m not the bitter and twisted guy I thought I’d be. |
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By *iger.10Man
over a year ago
Llantrisant |
"How easy do you find it not to blame someone when things go wrong?
I'm thinking more in a relationship sesensebe that romantic or not, if something isn't right then surely it's a two way thing? If someone does something that's hurt you then there must be an underlying cause for that behaviour?
Are you able to keep calm and remember that or do you go all out and want to hurt them back? Make them feel guilty?
Can you look at your own actions and take responsibility for something you may have done or are you a tit for tat kinda person?
"
The majority of people (not all just in general) are conditioned to devolve the burden of responsibility at the outset, when things go wrong. Only on reflection do we consider how our own actions may have contributed, at which point it can be too late. I admire people who are very objective about themselves. My friends wife played away (divorced now) and when he found out, she was blamed for everything, but on reflection, when we sat down and talked it through, he realised his behaviour in the relationship had contributed to her having an affair and subsequently the marriage ending. |
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"How easy do you find it not to blame someone when things go wrong?
I'm thinking more in a relationship sesensebe that romantic or not, if something isn't right then surely it's a two way thing? If someone does something that's hurt you then there must be an underlying cause for that behaviour?
Are you able to keep calm and remember that or do you go all out and want to hurt them back? Make them feel guilty?
Can you look at your own actions and take responsibility for something you may have done or are you a tit for tat kinda person?
"
I think they key word in your post is responsibility.
I despise the blame culture, its prevalent in my industry. Something goes wrong, blame someone else.
In relationships we should share responsibility and not allocate blame IMHO. |
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"How easy do you find it not to blame someone when things go wrong?
I'm thinking more in a relationship sesensebe that romantic or not, if something isn't right then surely it's a two way thing? If someone does something that's hurt you then there must be an underlying cause for that behaviour?
Are you able to keep calm and remember that or do you go all out and want to hurt them back? Make them feel guilty?
Can you look at your own actions and take responsibility for something you may have done or are you a tit for tat kinda person?
The majority of people (not all just in general) are conditioned to devolve the burden of responsibility at the outset, when things go wrong. Only on reflection do we consider how our own actions may have contributed, at which point it can be too late. I admire people who are very objective about themselves. My friends wife played away (divorced now) and when he found out, she was blamed for everything, but on reflection, when we sat down and talked it through, he realised his behaviour in the relationship had contributed to her having an affair and subsequently the marriage ending. "
In my experience, most people are incredibly resistant to do any structured research into marriages, personality and the kind of personalities that work well together in marriage. Ignorance isn't bliss but there's an implied belief they'd rather be blindsided that educate themselves. |
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By *icketysplitsWoman
over a year ago
Way over Yonder, that's where I'm bound |
"
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend.
This reminds me of my friends experience.
Her husband of over 20 years divorced her. No blame attached to her but he needed to *find himself*. He moved abroad married a woman 50 years younger and expected my friend to accommodate them both when they visited the U.K.
I have to laugh at him. We still all go out as a family and I catch him staring at me. He said that I needed someone more intelligent than him, so I think I made him feel inadequate because I knew more general knowledge answers than him and could grasp technology and he couldn't. "
People feeling inadequate is often in there, in my experience. My abuser, looking back, couldn't cope with my ambition.
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By *iger.10Man
over a year ago
Llantrisant |
"How easy do you find it not to blame someone when things go wrong?
I'm thinking more in a relationship sesensebe that romantic or not, if something isn't right then surely it's a two way thing? If someone does something that's hurt you then there must be an underlying cause for that behaviour?
Are you able to keep calm and remember that or do you go all out and want to hurt them back? Make them feel guilty?
Can you look at your own actions and take responsibility for something you may have done or are you a tit for tat kinda person?
The majority of people (not all just in general) are conditioned to devolve the burden of responsibility at the outset, when things go wrong. Only on reflection do we consider how our own actions may have contributed, at which point it can be too late. I admire people who are very objective about themselves. My friends wife played away (divorced now) and when he found out, she was blamed for everything, but on reflection, when we sat down and talked it through, he realised his behaviour in the relationship had contributed to her having an affair and subsequently the marriage ending.
In my experience, most people are incredibly resistant to do any structured research into marriages, personality and the kind of personalities that work well together in marriage. Ignorance isn't bliss but there's an implied belief they'd rather be blindsided that educate themselves. "
Agreed, but some marriages reach a point that it's way to scarry to delve so deep, as they are afraid of the consequences of answering such questions... |
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"How easy do you find it not to blame someone when things go wrong?
I'm thinking more in a relationship sesensebe that romantic or not, if something isn't right then surely it's a two way thing? If someone does something that's hurt you then there must be an underlying cause for that behaviour?
Are you able to keep calm and remember that or do you go all out and want to hurt them back? Make them feel guilty?
Can you look at your own actions and take responsibility for something you may have done or are you a tit for tat kinda person?
The majority of people (not all just in general) are conditioned to devolve the burden of responsibility at the outset, when things go wrong. Only on reflection do we consider how our own actions may have contributed, at which point it can be too late. I admire people who are very objective about themselves. My friends wife played away (divorced now) and when he found out, she was blamed for everything, but on reflection, when we sat down and talked it through, he realised his behaviour in the relationship had contributed to her having an affair and subsequently the marriage ending.
In my experience, most people are incredibly resistant to do any structured research into marriages, personality and the kind of personalities that work well together in marriage. Ignorance isn't bliss but there's an implied belief they'd rather be blindsided that educate themselves.
Agreed, but some marriages reach a point that it's way to scarry to delve so deep, as they are afraid of the consequences of answering such questions..."
Tru' dat. I'm talking about something one should do before one makes an life long commitment! |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend.
This reminds me of my friends experience.
Her husband of over 20 years divorced her. No blame attached to her but he needed to *find himself*. He moved abroad married a woman 50 years younger and expected my friend to accommodate them both when they visited the U.K.
I have to laugh at him. We still all go out as a family and I catch him staring at me. He said that I needed someone more intelligent than him, so I think I made him feel inadequate because I knew more general knowledge answers than him and could grasp technology and he couldn't.
People feeling inadequate is often in there, in my experience. My abuser, looking back, couldn't cope with my ambition.
"
My husband said I wouldn't get a job after my sister died. Then, when I got a job, he said it was a shit job. Then he accused me of fancying one of the teachers and said I would end up having sex with him. He was mentally and physically tiring to be with. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
My husband didn’t need an excuse to cheat, he was an emotionally abusive and selfish man. Our sex life wasn’t great he used to r**e me if he wanted sex and I didn’t so no I’m not taking the blame for that. X 
Genuinely sorty to hear that. I hope you found the strength to leave him after he r**ed you."
Took me a lot of years to find the strength to leave, he almost broke me x  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"How easy do you find it not to blame someone when things go wrong?
I'm thinking more in a relationship sesensebe that romantic or not, if something isn't right then surely it's a two way thing? If someone does something that's hurt you then there must be an underlying cause for that behaviour?
Are you able to keep calm and remember that or do you go all out and want to hurt them back? Make them feel guilty?
Can you look at your own actions and take responsibility for something you may have done or are you a tit for tat kinda person?
The majority of people (not all just in general) are conditioned to devolve the burden of responsibility at the outset, when things go wrong. Only on reflection do we consider how our own actions may have contributed, at which point it can be too late. I admire people who are very objective about themselves. My friends wife played away (divorced now) and when he found out, she was blamed for everything, but on reflection, when we sat down and talked it through, he realised his behaviour in the relationship had contributed to her having an affair and subsequently the marriage ending.
In my experience, most people are incredibly resistant to do any structured research into marriages, personality and the kind of personalities that work well together in marriage. Ignorance isn't bliss but there's an implied belief they'd rather be blindsided that educate themselves.
Agreed, but some marriages reach a point that it's way to scarry to delve so deep, as they are afraid of the consequences of answering such questions...
Tru' dat. I'm talking about something one should do before one makes an life long commitment!"
I was too young to know better. That was my mistake; getting into a serious relationship so young. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
My husband didn’t need an excuse to cheat, he was an emotionally abusive and selfish man. Our sex life wasn’t great he used to r**e me if he wanted sex and I didn’t so no I’m not taking the blame for that. X
Genuinely sorty to hear that. I hope you found the strength to leave him after he r**ed you.
Took me a lot of years to find the strength to leave, he almost broke me x "
People don't realise how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship. |
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By *iger.10Man
over a year ago
Llantrisant |
"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
My husband didn’t need an excuse to cheat, he was an emotionally abusive and selfish man. Our sex life wasn’t great he used to r**e me if he wanted sex and I didn’t so no I’m not taking the blame for that. X
Genuinely sorty to hear that. I hope you found the strength to leave him after he r**ed you.
Took me a lot of years to find the strength to leave, he almost broke me x
People don't realise how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship. "
The abuser is very good at chipping away at someone's confidence and self worth, making them feel inadequate thus allowing then to inflict more abuse and control.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
My husband didn’t need an excuse to cheat, he was an emotionally abusive and selfish man. Our sex life wasn’t great he used to r**e me if he wanted sex and I didn’t so no I’m not taking the blame for that. X
Genuinely sorty to hear that. I hope you found the strength to leave him after he r**ed you.
Took me a lot of years to find the strength to leave, he almost broke me x "
But here you are, he didn't break you. I sincerely hope you're very proud of yourself |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
My husband didn’t need an excuse to cheat, he was an emotionally abusive and selfish man. Our sex life wasn’t great he used to r**e me if he wanted sex and I didn’t so no I’m not taking the blame for that. X
Genuinely sorty to hear that. I hope you found the strength to leave him after he r**ed you.
Took me a lot of years to find the strength to leave, he almost broke me x
People don't realise how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship. "
I'ts one of the hardest things to do in life. |
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"How easy do you find it not to blame someone when things go wrong?
I'm thinking more in a relationship sesensebe that romantic or not, if something isn't right then surely it's a two way thing? If someone does something that's hurt you then there must be an underlying cause for that behaviour?
Are you able to keep calm and remember that or do you go all out and want to hurt them back? Make them feel guilty?
Can you look at your own actions and take responsibility for something you may have done or are you a tit for tat kinda person?
The majority of people (not all just in general) are conditioned to devolve the burden of responsibility at the outset, when things go wrong. Only on reflection do we consider how our own actions may have contributed, at which point it can be too late. I admire people who are very objective about themselves. My friends wife played away (divorced now) and when he found out, she was blamed for everything, but on reflection, when we sat down and talked it through, he realised his behaviour in the relationship had contributed to her having an affair and subsequently the marriage ending.
In my experience, most people are incredibly resistant to do any structured research into marriages, personality and the kind of personalities that work well together in marriage. Ignorance isn't bliss but there's an implied belief they'd rather be blindsided that educate themselves.
Agreed, but some marriages reach a point that it's way to scarry to delve so deep, as they are afraid of the consequences of answering such questions...
Tru' dat. I'm talking about something one should do before one makes an life long commitment!
I was too young to know better. That was my mistake; getting into a serious relationship so young. "
Getting married before 22 is a huge risk factor. Arguably before 25 is inadvisable. |
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"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
My husband didn’t need an excuse to cheat, he was an emotionally abusive and selfish man. Our sex life wasn’t great he used to r**e me if he wanted sex and I didn’t so no I’m not taking the blame for that. X
Genuinely sorty to hear that. I hope you found the strength to leave him after he r**ed you.
Took me a lot of years to find the strength to leave, he almost broke me x
People don't realise how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship. "
From personal experience, I didn't realise I was in one.
It's only looking back I see how much everything I did was broken down. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"How easy do you find it not to blame someone when things go wrong?
I'm thinking more in a relationship sesensebe that romantic or not, if something isn't right then surely it's a two way thing? If someone does something that's hurt you then there must be an underlying cause for that behaviour?
Are you able to keep calm and remember that or do you go all out and want to hurt them back? Make them feel guilty?
Can you look at your own actions and take responsibility for something you may have done or are you a tit for tat kinda person?
The majority of people (not all just in general) are conditioned to devolve the burden of responsibility at the outset, when things go wrong. Only on reflection do we consider how our own actions may have contributed, at which point it can be too late. I admire people who are very objective about themselves. My friends wife played away (divorced now) and when he found out, she was blamed for everything, but on reflection, when we sat down and talked it through, he realised his behaviour in the relationship had contributed to her having an affair and subsequently the marriage ending.
In my experience, most people are incredibly resistant to do any structured research into marriages, personality and the kind of personalities that work well together in marriage. Ignorance isn't bliss but there's an implied belief they'd rather be blindsided that educate themselves.
Agreed, but some marriages reach a point that it's way to scarry to delve so deep, as they are afraid of the consequences of answering such questions...
Tru' dat. I'm talking about something one should do before one makes an life long commitment!
I was too young to know better. That was my mistake; getting into a serious relationship so young.
Getting married before 22 is a huge risk factor. Arguably before 25 is inadvisable. "
Yet many people get married young and are happily together 20, 40, 40 years later. It's all about finding the right person then growing older and adapting together. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
My husband didn’t need an excuse to cheat, he was an emotionally abusive and selfish man. Our sex life wasn’t great he used to r**e me if he wanted sex and I didn’t so no I’m not taking the blame for that. X
Genuinely sorty to hear that. I hope you found the strength to leave him after he r**ed you.
Took me a lot of years to find the strength to leave, he almost broke me x
But here you are, he didn't break you. I sincerely hope you're very proud of yourself "
I am, I found out I was stronger than I thought. And everything he had me believing I’m working on proving to myself he was wrong. X |
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"How easy do you find it not to blame someone when things go wrong?
I'm thinking more in a relationship sesensebe that romantic or not, if something isn't right then surely it's a two way thing? If someone does something that's hurt you then there must be an underlying cause for that behaviour?
Are you able to keep calm and remember that or do you go all out and want to hurt them back? Make them feel guilty?
Can you look at your own actions and take responsibility for something you may have done or are you a tit for tat kinda person?
The majority of people (not all just in general) are conditioned to devolve the burden of responsibility at the outset, when things go wrong. Only on reflection do we consider how our own actions may have contributed, at which point it can be too late. I admire people who are very objective about themselves. My friends wife played away (divorced now) and when he found out, she was blamed for everything, but on reflection, when we sat down and talked it through, he realised his behaviour in the relationship had contributed to her having an affair and subsequently the marriage ending.
In my experience, most people are incredibly resistant to do any structured research into marriages, personality and the kind of personalities that work well together in marriage. Ignorance isn't bliss but there's an implied belief they'd rather be blindsided that educate themselves.
Agreed, but some marriages reach a point that it's way to scarry to delve so deep, as they are afraid of the consequences of answering such questions...
Tru' dat. I'm talking about something one should do before one makes an life long commitment!
I was too young to know better. That was my mistake; getting into a serious relationship so young.
Getting married before 22 is a huge risk factor. Arguably before 25 is inadvisable.
Yet many people get married young and are happily together 20, 40, 40 years later. It's all about finding the right person then growing older and adapting together. "
But most don't. Hence it's better to use probability rather than banking that you'll be the exception to the rule / the one that beats the odds. |
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"How easy do you find it not to blame someone when things go wrong?
I'm thinking more in a relationship sesensebe that romantic or not, if something isn't right then surely it's a two way thing? If someone does something that's hurt you then there must be an underlying cause for that behaviour?
Are you able to keep calm and remember that or do you go all out and want to hurt them back? Make them feel guilty?
Can you look at your own actions and take responsibility for something you may have done or are you a tit for tat kinda person?
The majority of people (not all just in general) are conditioned to devolve the burden of responsibility at the outset, when things go wrong. Only on reflection do we consider how our own actions may have contributed, at which point it can be too late. I admire people who are very objective about themselves. My friends wife played away (divorced now) and when he found out, she was blamed for everything, but on reflection, when we sat down and talked it through, he realised his behaviour in the relationship had contributed to her having an affair and subsequently the marriage ending.
In my experience, most people are incredibly resistant to do any structured research into marriages, personality and the kind of personalities that work well together in marriage. Ignorance isn't bliss but there's an implied belief they'd rather be blindsided that educate themselves.
Agreed, but some marriages reach a point that it's way to scarry to delve so deep, as they are afraid of the consequences of answering such questions...
Tru' dat. I'm talking about something one should do before one makes an life long commitment!
I was too young to know better. That was my mistake; getting into a serious relationship so young.
Getting married before 22 is a huge risk factor. Arguably before 25 is inadvisable.
Yet many people get married young and are happily together 20, 40, 40 years later. It's all about finding the right person then growing older and adapting together.
But most don't. Hence it's better to use probability rather than banking that you'll be the exception to the rule / the one that beats the odds. "
I love that idea.
"sorry darling, I know we love each other and seem right for each other, but probability says that as we are both 23 our relationship will fail. So I am dumping you".
Who says romance is dead... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"How easy do you find it not to blame someone when things go wrong?
I'm thinking more in a relationship sesensebe that romantic or not, if something isn't right then surely it's a two way thing? If someone does something that's hurt you then there must be an underlying cause for that behaviour?
Are you able to keep calm and remember that or do you go all out and want to hurt them back? Make them feel guilty?
Can you look at your own actions and take responsibility for something you may have done or are you a tit for tat kinda person?
The majority of people (not all just in general) are conditioned to devolve the burden of responsibility at the outset, when things go wrong. Only on reflection do we consider how our own actions may have contributed, at which point it can be too late. I admire people who are very objective about themselves. My friends wife played away (divorced now) and when he found out, she was blamed for everything, but on reflection, when we sat down and talked it through, he realised his behaviour in the relationship had contributed to her having an affair and subsequently the marriage ending.
In my experience, most people are incredibly resistant to do any structured research into marriages, personality and the kind of personalities that work well together in marriage. Ignorance isn't bliss but there's an implied belief they'd rather be blindsided that educate themselves.
Agreed, but some marriages reach a point that it's way to scarry to delve so deep, as they are afraid of the consequences of answering such questions...
Tru' dat. I'm talking about something one should do before one makes an life long commitment!
I was too young to know better. That was my mistake; getting into a serious relationship so young.
Getting married before 22 is a huge risk factor. Arguably before 25 is inadvisable.
Yet many people get married young and are happily together 20, 40, 40 years later. It's all about finding the right person then growing older and adapting together.
But most don't. Hence it's better to use probability rather than banking that you'll be the exception to the rule / the one that beats the odds. "
Oh come on, you have to have positivity in your life or else you're doomed to fail. |
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"How easy do you find it not to blame someone when things go wrong?
I'm thinking more in a relationship sesensebe that romantic or not, if something isn't right then surely it's a two way thing? If someone does something that's hurt you then there must be an underlying cause for that behaviour?
Are you able to keep calm and remember that or do you go all out and want to hurt them back? Make them feel guilty?
Can you look at your own actions and take responsibility for something you may have done or are you a tit for tat kinda person?
The majority of people (not all just in general) are conditioned to devolve the burden of responsibility at the outset, when things go wrong. Only on reflection do we consider how our own actions may have contributed, at which point it can be too late. I admire people who are very objective about themselves. My friends wife played away (divorced now) and when he found out, she was blamed for everything, but on reflection, when we sat down and talked it through, he realised his behaviour in the relationship had contributed to her having an affair and subsequently the marriage ending.
In my experience, most people are incredibly resistant to do any structured research into marriages, personality and the kind of personalities that work well together in marriage. Ignorance isn't bliss but there's an implied belief they'd rather be blindsided that educate themselves.
Agreed, but some marriages reach a point that it's way to scarry to delve so deep, as they are afraid of the consequences of answering such questions...
Tru' dat. I'm talking about something one should do before one makes an life long commitment!
I was too young to know better. That was my mistake; getting into a serious relationship so young.
Getting married before 22 is a huge risk factor. Arguably before 25 is inadvisable.
Yet many people get married young and are happily together 20, 40, 40 years later. It's all about finding the right person then growing older and adapting together.
But most don't. Hence it's better to use probability rather than banking that you'll be the exception to the rule / the one that beats the odds.
I love that idea.
"sorry darling, I know we love each other and seem right for each other, but probability says that as we are both 23 our relationship will fail. So I am dumping you".
Who says romance is dead... "
Actually probability says that if you're over 22 then there's no benefit to artificially delaying the marriage to after 25. You're just more likely to be successful if you met someone in a time frame that naturally lent itself towards marriage after 25. Furthermore, marriage after 30 brings it's own set of problems. |
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My default is to immediately blame myself. That I wasn’t ‘enough’, or I didn’t do something right, or I got something wrong, or my reasoning wasn’t correct. Mostly because if you get told that over and over you start to believe it.
I’m not as bad as I was, and am more able to see when it’s others that should be held accountable and not me. It’s not always the easiest thing to do though. |
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"How easy do you find it not to blame someone when things go wrong?
I'm thinking more in a relationship sesensebe that romantic or not, if something isn't right then surely it's a two way thing? If someone does something that's hurt you then there must be an underlying cause for that behaviour?
Are you able to keep calm and remember that or do you go all out and want to hurt them back? Make them feel guilty?
Can you look at your own actions and take responsibility for something you may have done or are you a tit for tat kinda person?
The majority of people (not all just in general) are conditioned to devolve the burden of responsibility at the outset, when things go wrong. Only on reflection do we consider how our own actions may have contributed, at which point it can be too late. I admire people who are very objective about themselves. My friends wife played away (divorced now) and when he found out, she was blamed for everything, but on reflection, when we sat down and talked it through, he realised his behaviour in the relationship had contributed to her having an affair and subsequently the marriage ending.
In my experience, most people are incredibly resistant to do any structured research into marriages, personality and the kind of personalities that work well together in marriage. Ignorance isn't bliss but there's an implied belief they'd rather be blindsided that educate themselves.
Agreed, but some marriages reach a point that it's way to scarry to delve so deep, as they are afraid of the consequences of answering such questions...
Tru' dat. I'm talking about something one should do before one makes an life long commitment!
I was too young to know better. That was my mistake; getting into a serious relationship so young.
Getting married before 22 is a huge risk factor. Arguably before 25 is inadvisable.
Yet many people get married young and are happily together 20, 40, 40 years later. It's all about finding the right person then growing older and adapting together.
But most don't. Hence it's better to use probability rather than banking that you'll be the exception to the rule / the one that beats the odds.
Oh come on, you have to have positivity in your life or else you're doomed to fail."
Remember my original point was that people are extremely reluctant to do structured research on this issue. Kinda proving my point. I bet most people here put more research into their mortgage than they did their life partner. |
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"How easy do you find it not to blame someone when things go wrong?
I'm thinking more in a relationship sesensebe that romantic or not, if something isn't right then surely it's a two way thing? If someone does something that's hurt you then there must be an underlying cause for that behaviour?
Are you able to keep calm and remember that or do you go all out and want to hurt them back? Make them feel guilty?
Can you look at your own actions and take responsibility for something you may have done or are you a tit for tat kinda person?
The majority of people (not all just in general) are conditioned to devolve the burden of responsibility at the outset, when things go wrong. Only on reflection do we consider how our own actions may have contributed, at which point it can be too late. I admire people who are very objective about themselves. My friends wife played away (divorced now) and when he found out, she was blamed for everything, but on reflection, when we sat down and talked it through, he realised his behaviour in the relationship had contributed to her having an affair and subsequently the marriage ending.
In my experience, most people are incredibly resistant to do any structured research into marriages, personality and the kind of personalities that work well together in marriage. Ignorance isn't bliss but there's an implied belief they'd rather be blindsided that educate themselves.
Agreed, but some marriages reach a point that it's way to scarry to delve so deep, as they are afraid of the consequences of answering such questions...
Tru' dat. I'm talking about something one should do before one makes an life long commitment!
I was too young to know better. That was my mistake; getting into a serious relationship so young.
Getting married before 22 is a huge risk factor. Arguably before 25 is inadvisable.
Yet many people get married young and are happily together 20, 40, 40 years later. It's all about finding the right person then growing older and adapting together.
But most don't. Hence it's better to use probability rather than banking that you'll be the exception to the rule / the one that beats the odds.
I love that idea.
"sorry darling, I know we love each other and seem right for each other, but probability says that as we are both 23 our relationship will fail. So I am dumping you".
Who says romance is dead...
Actually probability says that if you're over 22 then there's no benefit to artificially delaying the marriage to after 25. You're just more likely to be successful if you met someone in a time frame that naturally lent itself towards marriage after 25. Furthermore, marriage after 30 brings it's own set of problems. "
I solved that problem by not getting married. That gives 100% protection against divorce.
The serious point is that no one pores over such statistics when deciding to get married and its utterly unrealistic to expect them to. |
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"How easy do you find it not to blame someone when things go wrong?
I'm thinking more in a relationship sesensebe that romantic or not, if something isn't right then surely it's a two way thing? If someone does something that's hurt you then there must be an underlying cause for that behaviour?
Are you able to keep calm and remember that or do you go all out and want to hurt them back? Make them feel guilty?
Can you look at your own actions and take responsibility for something you may have done or are you a tit for tat kinda person?
The majority of people (not all just in general) are conditioned to devolve the burden of responsibility at the outset, when things go wrong. Only on reflection do we consider how our own actions may have contributed, at which point it can be too late. I admire people who are very objective about themselves. My friends wife played away (divorced now) and when he found out, she was blamed for everything, but on reflection, when we sat down and talked it through, he realised his behaviour in the relationship had contributed to her having an affair and subsequently the marriage ending.
In my experience, most people are incredibly resistant to do any structured research into marriages, personality and the kind of personalities that work well together in marriage. Ignorance isn't bliss but there's an implied belief they'd rather be blindsided that educate themselves.
Agreed, but some marriages reach a point that it's way to scarry to delve so deep, as they are afraid of the consequences of answering such questions...
Tru' dat. I'm talking about something one should do before one makes an life long commitment!
I was too young to know better. That was my mistake; getting into a serious relationship so young.
Getting married before 22 is a huge risk factor. Arguably before 25 is inadvisable.
Yet many people get married young and are happily together 20, 40, 40 years later. It's all about finding the right person then growing older and adapting together.
But most don't. Hence it's better to use probability rather than banking that you'll be the exception to the rule / the one that beats the odds.
I love that idea.
"sorry darling, I know we love each other and seem right for each other, but probability says that as we are both 23 our relationship will fail. So I am dumping you".
Who says romance is dead...
Actually probability says that if you're over 22 then there's no benefit to artificially delaying the marriage to after 25. You're just more likely to be successful if you met someone in a time frame that naturally lent itself towards marriage after 25. Furthermore, marriage after 30 brings it's own set of problems.
I solved that problem by not getting married. That gives 100% protection against divorce.
The serious point is that no one pores over such statistics when deciding to get married and its utterly unrealistic to expect them to. "
What would thr divorce rate need to reach in order for you to consider it "realistic" for people to research what they are getting into? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"How easy do you find it not to blame someone when things go wrong?
I'm thinking more in a relationship sesensebe that romantic or not, if something isn't right then surely it's a two way thing? If someone does something that's hurt you then there must be an underlying cause for that behaviour?
Are you able to keep calm and remember that or do you go all out and want to hurt them back? Make them feel guilty?
Can you look at your own actions and take responsibility for something you may have done or are you a tit for tat kinda person?
The majority of people (not all just in general) are conditioned to devolve the burden of responsibility at the outset, when things go wrong. Only on reflection do we consider how our own actions may have contributed, at which point it can be too late. I admire people who are very objective about themselves. My friends wife played away (divorced now) and when he found out, she was blamed for everything, but on reflection, when we sat down and talked it through, he realised his behaviour in the relationship had contributed to her having an affair and subsequently the marriage ending.
In my experience, most people are incredibly resistant to do any structured research into marriages, personality and the kind of personalities that work well together in marriage. Ignorance isn't bliss but there's an implied belief they'd rather be blindsided that educate themselves.
Agreed, but some marriages reach a point that it's way to scarry to delve so deep, as they are afraid of the consequences of answering such questions...
Tru' dat. I'm talking about something one should do before one makes an life long commitment!
I was too young to know better. That was my mistake; getting into a serious relationship so young.
Getting married before 22 is a huge risk factor. Arguably before 25 is inadvisable.
Yet many people get married young and are happily together 20, 40, 40 years later. It's all about finding the right person then growing older and adapting together.
But most don't. Hence it's better to use probability rather than banking that you'll be the exception to the rule / the one that beats the odds.
Oh come on, you have to have positivity in your life or else you're doomed to fail.
Remember my original point was that people are extremely reluctant to do structured research on this issue. Kinda proving my point. I bet most people here put more research into their mortgage than they did their life partner. "
Research???? You make it sound so cold and technical. Whatever happened to if something feels right and you fall in love? There are no guarantees, at all. You could do as much 'research' as you want but it still wouldn't mean the marriage would be anymore successful. Things happen in life, circumstances change, people change. Marriage is all about compromise, communication, understanding and learning to adapt with each other through the years and changes.
If your theory of 'research' is so correct, then what happens when people change later on down the line? They perhaps are a different person to when you first met them, then what? |
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"How easy do you find it not to blame someone when things go wrong?
I'm thinking more in a relationship sesensebe that romantic or not, if something isn't right then surely it's a two way thing? If someone does something that's hurt you then there must be an underlying cause for that behaviour?
Are you able to keep calm and remember that or do you go all out and want to hurt them back? Make them feel guilty?
Can you look at your own actions and take responsibility for something you may have done or are you a tit for tat kinda person?
The majority of people (not all just in general) are conditioned to devolve the burden of responsibility at the outset, when things go wrong. Only on reflection do we consider how our own actions may have contributed, at which point it can be too late. I admire people who are very objective about themselves. My friends wife played away (divorced now) and when he found out, she was blamed for everything, but on reflection, when we sat down and talked it through, he realised his behaviour in the relationship had contributed to her having an affair and subsequently the marriage ending.
In my experience, most people are incredibly resistant to do any structured research into marriages, personality and the kind of personalities that work well together in marriage. Ignorance isn't bliss but there's an implied belief they'd rather be blindsided that educate themselves.
Agreed, but some marriages reach a point that it's way to scarry to delve so deep, as they are afraid of the consequences of answering such questions...
Tru' dat. I'm talking about something one should do before one makes an life long commitment!
I was too young to know better. That was my mistake; getting into a serious relationship so young.
Getting married before 22 is a huge risk factor. Arguably before 25 is inadvisable.
Yet many people get married young and are happily together 20, 40, 40 years later. It's all about finding the right person then growing older and adapting together.
But most don't. Hence it's better to use probability rather than banking that you'll be the exception to the rule / the one that beats the odds.
I love that idea.
"sorry darling, I know we love each other and seem right for each other, but probability says that as we are both 23 our relationship will fail. So I am dumping you".
Who says romance is dead...
Actually probability says that if you're over 22 then there's no benefit to artificially delaying the marriage to after 25. You're just more likely to be successful if you met someone in a time frame that naturally lent itself towards marriage after 25. Furthermore, marriage after 30 brings it's own set of problems.
I solved that problem by not getting married. That gives 100% protection against divorce.
The serious point is that no one pores over such statistics when deciding to get married and its utterly unrealistic to expect them to.
What would thr divorce rate need to reach in order for you to consider it "realistic" for people to research what they are getting into? "
It's not a question of whether I, in the abstract, think it would be a good idea, it's whether anyone is going to actually do it. They're not. |
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"
Remember my original point was that people are extremely reluctant to do structured research on this issue. Kinda proving my point. I bet most people here put more research into their mortgage than they did their life partner.
Research???? You make it sound so cold and technical. Whatever happened to if something feels right and you fall in love?
"
Then don't be surprised when they become part of that sky high divorce rate
"
There are no guarantees, at all.
"
Correct, I'm not looking for guarantees, I'm looking to put myself in the best position where good things are likely to happen to me
"
You could do as much 'research' as you want but it still wouldn't mean the marriage would be anymore successful. Things happen in life, circumstances change, people change. Marriage is all about compromise, communication, understanding and learning to adapt with each other through the years and changes.
If your theory of 'research' is so correct, then what happens when people change later on down the line? They perhaps are a different person to when you first met them, then what?"
Personality is incredibly stable after 25-30, you'd know that if you did the research  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think in instances where it’s an abusive relationship as an example, there can only be one party at fault and it’s unacceptable.
Where people have grown apart, changed, had an affair etc, I do believe there are underlying causes and maybe that gets overlooked if it ends badly. One party is taking the others world and turning it upside down in an instant by leaving, that will always lead to a bit of tit-for-tat but the quicker you can get over the burning anger, each party might see the underlying reasons.
I work a lot with divorce lawyers so pure observations on my part of what I’ve seen, not an expert before anyone has a go! |
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"
It's not a question of whether I, in the abstract, think it would be a good idea, it's whether anyone is going to actually do it. They're not. "
I refer the honourable gentleman to my opening remark that most people have an implied belief that they would rather be blindsided later than spend 2 hours on google and realise they should not marry their current partner. |
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"
It's not a question of whether I, in the abstract, think it would be a good idea, it's whether anyone is going to actually do it. They're not.
I refer the honourable gentleman to my opening remark that most people have an implied belief that they would rather be blindsided later than spend 2 hours on google and realise they should not marry their current partner. "
Really?
Say that the risk of divorce is 55% at 22 and 45% at 26, do you really think, even if the average 22 year old knew those stats, they would conclude they shouldn't get Married?
Of course not. They will conclude they are one of the 45% that won't get divorced. And in many ways that's perfectly rational. Only you can really know what your personal situation is. People simply don't run their lives on the basis of brute social trends.
My daughter got to go to Oxford. There's about 400000 18 year olds in the UK. Oxford admits about 2000 people a year. So, on brute stats, she had an 0.5% chance of getting in. On that basis, it wouldn't be rational for her to waste any energy trying to get in.
Obviously, there were masses of other factors personal to her that made it rational to try and ignore the brute stats. |
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I was to blame for wrecking my marriage but as you said there was underlying behaviour that caused me to go down that road. It doesn't excuse it as I could of just ended the relationship but it happened and I can't change it now. My husband did take some blame for how he treated me in the marriage tho. |
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"
It's not a question of whether I, in the abstract, think it would be a good idea, it's whether anyone is going to actually do it. They're not.
I refer the honourable gentleman to my opening remark that most people have an implied belief that they would rather be blindsided later than spend 2 hours on google and realise they should not marry their current partner.
Really?
Say that the risk of divorce is 55% at 22 and 45% at 26, do you really think, even if the average 22 year old knew those stats, they would conclude they shouldn't get Married?
Of course not. They will conclude they are one of the 45% that won't get divorced. And in many ways that's perfectly rational. Only you can really know what your personal situation is. People simply don't run their lives on the basis of brute social trends.
My daughter got to go to Oxford. There's about 400000 18 year olds in the UK. Oxford admits about 2000 people a year. So, on brute stats, she had an 0.5% chance of getting in. On that basis, it wouldn't be rational for her to waste any energy trying to get in.
Obviously, there were masses of other factors personal to her that made it rational to try and ignore the brute stats. "
Nice strawman. I've already answered your age question and age is far from the only factor.
Again, you're just reinforcing my point that most people are extremely hostile to structured research on this matter and prefer to be blindsided later down the line. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
|
"
It's not a question of whether I, in the abstract, think it would be a good idea, it's whether anyone is going to actually do it. They're not.
I refer the honourable gentleman to my opening remark that most people have an implied belief that they would rather be blindsided later than spend 2 hours on google and realise they should not marry their current partner. "
Google can tell you if you are compatible with each other? Is it a questionnaire like they had in Jackie? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
Remember my original point was that people are extremely reluctant to do structured research on this issue. Kinda proving my point. I bet most people here put more research into their mortgage than they did their life partner.
Research???? You make it sound so cold and technical. Whatever happened to if something feels right and you fall in love?
Then don't be surprised when they become part of that sky high divorce rate
There are no guarantees, at all.
Correct, I'm not looking for guarantees, I'm looking to put myself in the best position where good things are likely to happen to me
You could do as much 'research' as you want but it still wouldn't mean the marriage would be anymore successful. Things happen in life, circumstances change, people change. Marriage is all about compromise, communication, understanding and learning to adapt with each other through the years and changes.
If your theory of 'research' is so correct, then what happens when people change later on down the line? They perhaps are a different person to when you first met them, then what?
Personality is incredibly stable after 25-30, you'd know that if you did the research "
And you should also know that there are lot of circumstances happen in life that can change people. Take death of a loved one for example, which lets face it, a lot of people have to face this when they are over 30, i.e. Parents dying. That can dramatically change a person. Not criticiscing you in any way, but you are very young yourself though, so perhaps you've never yet experienced something that can dramatically change a person.
That's why I emphasising that it's not about how compatiable you are when you first meet someone, it's about how adaptable each other is and how much you love someone to be able to accept changes. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"
It's not a question of whether I, in the abstract, think it would be a good idea, it's whether anyone is going to actually do it. They're not.
I refer the honourable gentleman to my opening remark that most people have an implied belief that they would rather be blindsided later than spend 2 hours on google and realise they should not marry their current partner.
Google can tell you if you are compatible with each other? Is it a questionnaire like they had in Jackie? "
Ahhh yes, my children do one at school about what % they love a person, just type in 2 names  |
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"
It's not a question of whether I, in the abstract, think it would be a good idea, it's whether anyone is going to actually do it. They're not.
I refer the honourable gentleman to my opening remark that most people have an implied belief that they would rather be blindsided later than spend 2 hours on google and realise they should not marry their current partner.
Really?
Say that the risk of divorce is 55% at 22 and 45% at 26, do you really think, even if the average 22 year old knew those stats, they would conclude they shouldn't get Married?
Of course not. They will conclude they are one of the 45% that won't get divorced. And in many ways that's perfectly rational. Only you can really know what your personal situation is. People simply don't run their lives on the basis of brute social trends.
My daughter got to go to Oxford. There's about 400000 18 year olds in the UK. Oxford admits about 2000 people a year. So, on brute stats, she had an 0.5% chance of getting in. On that basis, it wouldn't be rational for her to waste any energy trying to get in.
Obviously, there were masses of other factors personal to her that made it rational to try and ignore the brute stats.
Nice strawman. I've already answered your age question and age is far from the only factor.
Again, you're just reinforcing my point that most people are extremely hostile to structured research on this matter and prefer to be blindsided later down the line. "
No, they recognise that life is not deterministic and broad social trends are guides not tramlines.
Ive found some stats on this. Apparently the risk of divorce for 20-24 year olds is 20% and for 25-29 year olds 15%. These appear to be American stats, but let's go with them for the minute.
So, that means 80% of the former marriages will survive and 85% of the latter. Are you really saying that 5% difference would cause any rational person to postpone a marriage that otherwise seemed a good idea? |
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"
It's not a question of whether I, in the abstract, think it would be a good idea, it's whether anyone is going to actually do it. They're not.
I refer the honourable gentleman to my opening remark that most people have an implied belief that they would rather be blindsided later than spend 2 hours on google and realise they should not marry their current partner.
Really?
Say that the risk of divorce is 55% at 22 and 45% at 26, do you really think, even if the average 22 year old knew those stats, they would conclude they shouldn't get Married?
Of course not. They will conclude they are one of the 45% that won't get divorced. And in many ways that's perfectly rational. Only you can really know what your personal situation is. People simply don't run their lives on the basis of brute social trends.
My daughter got to go to Oxford. There's about 400000 18 year olds in the UK. Oxford admits about 2000 people a year. So, on brute stats, she had an 0.5% chance of getting in. On that basis, it wouldn't be rational for her to waste any energy trying to get in.
Obviously, there were masses of other factors personal to her that made it rational to try and ignore the brute stats.
Nice strawman. I've already answered your age question and age is far from the only factor.
Again, you're just reinforcing my point that most people are extremely hostile to structured research on this matter and prefer to be blindsided later down the line.
No, they recognise that life is not deterministic and broad social trends are guides not tramlines.
Ive found some stats on this. Apparently the risk of divorce for 20-24 year olds is 20% and for 25-29 year olds 15%. These appear to be American stats, but let's go with them for the minute.
So, that means 80% of the former marriages will survive and 85% of the latter. Are you really saying that 5% difference would cause any rational person to postpone a marriage that otherwise seemed a good idea? "
Just read my reply from the first time i answered that question. Why do you keep making the strawman arguement that age is the only factor? |
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"
It's not a question of whether I, in the abstract, think it would be a good idea, it's whether anyone is going to actually do it. They're not.
I refer the honourable gentleman to my opening remark that most people have an implied belief that they would rather be blindsided later than spend 2 hours on google and realise they should not marry their current partner.
Really?
Say that the risk of divorce is 55% at 22 and 45% at 26, do you really think, even if the average 22 year old knew those stats, they would conclude they shouldn't get Married?
Of course not. They will conclude they are one of the 45% that won't get divorced. And in many ways that's perfectly rational. Only you can really know what your personal situation is. People simply don't run their lives on the basis of brute social trends.
My daughter got to go to Oxford. There's about 400000 18 year olds in the UK. Oxford admits about 2000 people a year. So, on brute stats, she had an 0.5% chance of getting in. On that basis, it wouldn't be rational for her to waste any energy trying to get in.
Obviously, there were masses of other factors personal to her that made it rational to try and ignore the brute stats.
Nice strawman. I've already answered your age question and age is far from the only factor.
Again, you're just reinforcing my point that most people are extremely hostile to structured research on this matter and prefer to be blindsided later down the line.
No, they recognise that life is not deterministic and broad social trends are guides not tramlines.
Ive found some stats on this. Apparently the risk of divorce for 20-24 year olds is 20% and for 25-29 year olds 15%. These appear to be American stats, but let's go with them for the minute.
So, that means 80% of the former marriages will survive and 85% of the latter. Are you really saying that 5% difference would cause any rational person to postpone a marriage that otherwise seemed a good idea?
Just read my reply from the first time i answered that question. Why do you keep making the strawman arguement that age is the only factor? "
You said getting married before 25 was inadvisable. You didn't say it's inadvisable unless xyz apply and actually it's a pretty minor factor because the divorce risk differential is minimal if you're between 20 and 25.
If you wr to now saying that, I agree with you. |
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"
Remember my original point was that people are extremely reluctant to do structured research on this issue. Kinda proving my point. I bet most people here put more research into their mortgage than they did their life partner.
Research???? You make it sound so cold and technical. Whatever happened to if something feels right and you fall in love?
Then don't be surprised when they become part of that sky high divorce rate
There are no guarantees, at all.
Correct, I'm not looking for guarantees, I'm looking to put myself in the best position where good things are likely to happen to me
You could do as much 'research' as you want but it still wouldn't mean the marriage would be anymore successful. Things happen in life, circumstances change, people change. Marriage is all about compromise, communication, understanding and learning to adapt with each other through the years and changes.
If your theory of 'research' is so correct, then what happens when people change later on down the line? They perhaps are a different person to when you first met them, then what?
Personality is incredibly stable after 25-30, you'd know that if you did the research
And you should also know that there are lot of circumstances happen in life that can change people. Take death of a loved one for example, which lets face it, a lot of people have to face this when they are over 30, i.e. Parents dying. That can dramatically change a person. Not criticiscing you in any way, but you are very young yourself though, so perhaps you've never yet experienced something that can dramatically change a person.
That's why I emphasising that it's not about how compatiable you are when you first meet someone, it's about how adaptable each other is and how much you love someone to be able to accept changes."
I agree with that, my experience is that most people don't sit down and have a tough conversation about foreseeable changes (e.g. career, child care, looking after parents, sex). Perhaps my experience isn't representative, i don't think there's any data on what conversations people do and don't have before marriage. I know people who have divorced because they couldn't agree whether they wanted kids ffs. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend.
If you knew you weren't making him happy then why did you stay with him? I'm just curious.
Because I couldn't leave the house. He knew that and used it to his advantage.
Why couldn't you leave? There is always a way if you want to badly enough."
I’m not sure if you realise you’re doing it or not, but all comments like this do is shame people into feeling bad about their actions. There isn’t always a way if you want it badly enough. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend.
If you knew you weren't making him happy then why did you stay with him? I'm just curious.
Because I couldn't leave the house. He knew that and used it to his advantage.
Why couldn't you leave? There is always a way if you want to badly enough.
I’m not sure if you realise you’re doing it or not, but all comments like this do is shame people into feeling bad about their actions. There isn’t always a way if you want it badly enough. "
This 
It took years of abuse for me to finally leave and when I did leave I was technically homeless for 4 weeks with a toddler in tow. Then I privately rented with a deposit scheme but my rent was sky high, I worked so had no help and I've only recently got out of the debt that I ended up getting into at that time. I also felt like I deserved the abuse, he made me have so little self worth that I didn't think I could rebuild my life |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend.
If you knew you weren't making him happy then why did you stay with him? I'm just curious.
Because I couldn't leave the house. He knew that and used it to his advantage.
Why couldn't you leave? There is always a way if you want to badly enough.
I’m not sure if you realise you’re doing it or not, but all comments like this do is shame people into feeling bad about their actions. There isn’t always a way if you want it badly enough. "
I don't feel bad or ashamed of my life. I did what I needed to do to get through it, and when I was able to I got out. It takes a lot of strength to get through 30 years with a controlling person. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend.
If you knew you weren't making him happy then why did you stay with him? I'm just curious.
Because I couldn't leave the house. He knew that and used it to his advantage.
Why couldn't you leave? There is always a way if you want to badly enough.
I’m not sure if you realise you’re doing it or not, but all comments like this do is shame people into feeling bad about their actions. There isn’t always a way if you want it badly enough.
This
It took years of abuse for me to finally leave and when I did leave I was technically homeless for 4 weeks with a toddler in tow. Then I privately rented with a deposit scheme but my rent was sky high, I worked so had no help and I've only recently got out of the debt that I ended up getting into at that time. I also felt like I deserved the abuse, he made me have so little self worth that I didn't think I could rebuild my life "
And I wasn't able to do that because I had 3 children and a disabled adult to look after, from when I was 25. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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We are all human at the end of the day and whilst we are sometimes quick to assign blame, a lot of us will not easily accept.
As much as we would like to think, none of us are perfect, and it's true that we only see our errors after the fact |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It always takes two or more people to create a blame game. It never makes either happy.
Perhaps it better not to enter that sort of blame game but just talk openly and honestly together to find solutions to the issue rather than turning something that might start small into a raging fire.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend.
If you knew you weren't making him happy then why did you stay with him? I'm just curious.
Because I couldn't leave the house. He knew that and used it to his advantage.
Why couldn't you leave? There is always a way if you want to badly enough.
I’m not sure if you realise you’re doing it or not, but all comments like this do is shame people into feeling bad about their actions. There isn’t always a way if you want it badly enough. "
Apologies if you have taken offence at my comment, it was in no way meant to shame anyone. I'm simply commenting from my own personal experience and from one of someone I know. She left in the middle of the night with 2 young children with nothing but the clothes they were wearing, to escape a very violent and abusive marriage. So I do believe there is a way. No, it's not easy, it's one of the hardest things to do. But if my friend could do that then I'm sure others can leave. |
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I spent far too long in a relationship where everything was my fault.
I was constantly apologising, tip toeing on eggshells, couldn't voice an opinion, agreed with things to keep the peace.
It took me a long time to see what was happening, but as soon as did, I got out. My ex never took responsibility or accepted he'd ever done anything wrong
I made a promise to never be that person again, and I didn't for a very long time
Sadly enough I let myself slip into the pattern again, and again I didn't see it happening.
Sitting listening to someone tear me down, list my faults, the things I'd done wrong, apologising in tears, begging to be forgiven.... Then the lightbulb moment, realising that this person was doing just what my ex did, laying the blame on me while totally ignoring all his own actions.
It's even easier to walk away a second time.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I spent far too long in a relationship where everything was my fault.
I was constantly apologising, tip toeing on eggshells, couldn't voice an opinion, agreed with things to keep the peace.
It took me a long time to see what was happening, but as soon as did, I got out. My ex never took responsibility or accepted he'd ever done anything wrong
I made a promise to never be that person again, and I didn't for a very long time
Sadly enough I let myself slip into the pattern again, and again I didn't see it happening.
Sitting listening to someone tear me down, list my faults, the things I'd done wrong, apologising in tears, begging to be forgiven.... Then the lightbulb moment, realising that this person was doing just what my ex did, laying the blame on me while totally ignoring all his own actions.
It's even easier to walk away a second time.
"
xxxxxxxxx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend.
If you knew you weren't making him happy then why did you stay with him? I'm just curious.
Because I couldn't leave the house. He knew that and used it to his advantage.
Why couldn't you leave? There is always a way if you want to badly enough.
I’m not sure if you realise you’re doing it or not, but all comments like this do is shame people into feeling bad about their actions. There isn’t always a way if you want it badly enough.
I don't feel bad or ashamed of my life. I did what I needed to do to get through it, and when I was able to I got out. It takes a lot of strength to get through 30 years with a controlling person. "
It takes a fuck load of strength to stay. It's not the weak way out. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend.
If you knew you weren't making him happy then why did you stay with him? I'm just curious.
Because I couldn't leave the house. He knew that and used it to his advantage.
Why couldn't you leave? There is always a way if you want to badly enough.
I’m not sure if you realise you’re doing it or not, but all comments like this do is shame people into feeling bad about their actions. There isn’t always a way if you want it badly enough.
Apologies if you have taken offence at my comment, it was in no way meant to shame anyone. I'm simply commenting from my own personal experience and from one of someone I know. She left in the middle of the night with 2 young children with nothing but the clothes they were wearing, to escape a very violent and abusive marriage. So I do believe there is a way. No, it's not easy, it's one of the hardest things to do. But if my friend could do that then I'm sure others can leave. "
I’ve recently started working with victims of domestic abuse as part of my job. There are lots of cases where either their life, or their children’s life has been threatened if they leave. It really is very complex. It’s why the law has now changed so that a prosecution doesn’t require the victim to press charges, in such cases. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In the heat of the moment during an argument I will lay blame, but that's just to annoy them, or to hurt them if they've said something that hurt me.
At other times I can take blame as I know relationships are a two way thing. It's like when people cheat, the cheat always gets the blame, but a person who is happy in their relationship wouldn't cheat, so that person needs to look at their actions and see what could of perhaps caused their partner to go looking elsewhere.
Before you all shoot me down in flames, im not condoning cheating, but simply trying to get across that there is always a reason why people do. It's too easy to blame the one who cheats rather than sitting down themselves and thinking about why they have cheated.
Nothing I did could make my husband happy. To justify his cheating he accused me of cheating , made me divorce him, then refused to leave, but carry on cheating. He didn't want to be with me but didn't want to be the bad guy to the children, family or friends. According to him I was the perfect wife, just not the one he wanted. He asked if there was a bed at mine a few weeks ago, because he had a row with his girlfriend.
If you knew you weren't making him happy then why did you stay with him? I'm just curious.
Because I couldn't leave the house. He knew that and used it to his advantage.
Why couldn't you leave? There is always a way if you want to badly enough.
I’m not sure if you realise you’re doing it or not, but all comments like this do is shame people into feeling bad about their actions. There isn’t always a way if you want it badly enough.
Apologies if you have taken offence at my comment, it was in no way meant to shame anyone. I'm simply commenting from my own personal experience and from one of someone I know. She left in the middle of the night with 2 young children with nothing but the clothes they were wearing, to escape a very violent and abusive marriage. So I do believe there is a way. No, it's not easy, it's one of the hardest things to do. But if my friend could do that then I'm sure others can leave.
I’ve recently started working with victims of domestic abuse as part of my job. There plots of cases where either their life, or their children’s life has been threatened if they leave. It really is very complex. It’s why the law has now changed so that a prosecution doesn’t require the victim to press charges, in such cases. "
It certainly is complex, like I've said several times on here, it's never ever easy. |
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In all honesty if I feel wronged its flash fury I wont listen to anything said during that infact I wouldnt even be in their presence.
Days later I will evaluate but if trust is gone its break all ties and move on |
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