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Advice needed
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Ive a child almost 2 years old as some of you will know and im an exceptionally proud single parent. Few days ago her dad got in contact with me asking to see her.. im just all over the place on what to do so asking for some advice from parents who have been through similar (single parents, families, and parents who were denied access)
My heart is very much in 2 places,, selfish me thinks 'i dont want to share her as we are set in our routine, we've done the hard work and now he just wants in on the fun times' and the other part says 'i wanted to know my own real dad growing up'
Me and her dad never really got on, all we did was argue and it wasnt a relationship when she was conceived. He knew about her from the moment i found out, he chose to play ignorant and say she wasnt his. He raised another child with a gf (since my little one was born) and expressed no interest, and since that relationship has ended he is now engaged to a woman with 3 children.
He did see her for all of 6 hours in those 22 months but its only now she is growing up that he can see that she is his double, i have also never refused paternity testing so long as we both paid for it (why would i pay for something i already know is full proof?!)
I never asked for a penny from him and just wanted them to bond.. we agree'd once a week we would meet up and spend time together but i wasn't going to jump through hoops to cater to his needs... this arrangement lasted two weeks before i no longer heard from him.
So ladies and gents.. what shall i do? Bite my lip and give it a go (again) with trying to introduce them to each other,, or settle for the easy option and let it be just me and my daughter? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Short answer.
Maybe worth giving him 1 more chance to be a part of his daughters life.
But make it clear this is the last chance.
It can only benfit your daughter to have her father in her life.
What isnt good for her is a there one day gone the next day dad. And if he does the same again, shes still young enough that he will fade from her mind pretty quickly.
But only you can really decide whats best for her.
xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Bite your lip and keep the moral high ground. Your daughter will have no reason to ever turn against you in later life when the subject of her Father comes up if you are are not selfish now and do the right thing.
Put him in a position where he will have to do the explaining to her. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Short answer.
Maybe worth giving him 1 more chance to be a part of his daughters life.
But make it clear this is the last chance.
It can only benfit your daughter to have her father in her life.
What isnt good for her is a there one day gone the next day dad. And if he does the same again, shes still young enough that he will fade from her mind pretty quickly.
But only you can really decide whats best for her.
xx"
Thanks Damsel x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Yep it's hard and I understand how you must feel
But it's not about your feelings it's about what's best for your daughter
Yes the guy from what you have said hasn't been there
But for your daughters sake give him the chance to prove himself
But also be firm in the fact that he never let's her down again even once or that's it
Good luck xx |
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By *DSRMan
over a year ago
leicester |
sorry to say this... but your child as 3 half sisters/brothers, i have a half sister and i love her as much aa my other sister.. not to mention when your child grows up abd learns you stopped them from seeing their dad etc...your child will always love you, your their mum and obviously a good one since you are writting this thread, but in the long term i believe you will have to except him being around
that said, if your not ready to take that step yet and dont mind all the arguing etc, you could hold him off for a little longer, but really whats the point? it will only cause prolonged pain all around
hope you sort it all xx |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Bite your lip and keep the moral high ground. Your daughter will have no reason to ever turn against you in later life when the subject of her Father comes up if you are are not selfish now and do the right thing.
Put him in a position where he will have to do the explaining to her. "
See he has already said to me something along the lines of 'if you refuse me this chance then its down to you to explain to her in later life why she never had her dad in her life'
Which makes me think he was trying that reverse psychology stuff on me.. making it my fault instead of his. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Whatever you decide Must be in the best interest of the child...
The rest is games we adults play... And God knows, we dont play fair.
If in doubt, get professional advice.
Good luck...;-) |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I kinda come at this from the other side. My Ex refused to allow me to see my son, we argued all the time etc, but she moved house without telling me and cut all contact etc.
I would say that although you are entitled to your feelings, but your daughter is also entitled to know her dad. You should let her see him. If it doesn't work out it will be heart breaking, I am sure, but it's her right to make the decision, not yours, Imho.....
2p.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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You come across as a lovely caring mum you really do . And you would like whats best for her and only you know whats best ..... maybe you could be there too if thay meet and chat to him before hand about it all .. saying how you feel . All i know you will put her first xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Wow sorry I know ur after parent to reply but it sounds a horrid choice but maybe think about your lil girl and give him some time, if he messes that up then refuse future time. Leaste then u did try an gave him chance show he wanted be with her
Sorry to read you predicament sounds a hard choice but hope u get or decide what you and your lil girl want/need |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Short answer.
Maybe worth giving him 1 more chance to be a part of his daughters life.
But make it clear this is the last chance.
It can only benfit your daughter to have her father in her life.
What isnt good for her is a there one day gone the next day dad. And if he does the same again, shes still young enough that he will fade from her mind pretty quickly.
But only you can really decide whats best for her.
xx"
Seconded! x |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"sorry to say this... but your child as 3 half sisters/brothers, i have a half sister and i love her as much aa my other sister.. not to mention when your child grows up abd learns you stopped them from seeing their dad etc...your child will always love you, your their mum and obviously a good one since you are writting this thread, but in the long term i believe you will have to except him being around
that said, if your not ready to take that step yet and dont mind all the arguing etc, you could hold him off for a little longer, but really whats the point? it will only cause prolonged pain all around
hope you sort it all xx"
The children he is currently raising are not his biologically so she wont have any half brothers or sisters from those relationships.
He does have one son thats his who is 13 and he is aware of my daughter.. im friends with his mother and we sent cards on birthday/christmas to the kids from each other. Ive listend to her experiences of him being a very flitty parent throughout his 13yr old sons life and it sounds like im better off without him as there was no consistency. His son also told me what his dad is like and with every new gf he gets pushed to the back. Ive tried not to let that tarnish my view of him,, but regrettably it has. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I kinda come at this from the other side. My Ex refused to allow me to see my son, we argued all the time etc, but she moved house without telling me and cut all contact etc.
I would say that although you are entitled to your feelings, but your daughter is also entitled to know her dad. You should let her see him. If it doesn't work out it will be heart breaking, I am sure, but it's her right to make the decision, not yours, Imho.....
2p...."
Ive always told him my address and he's always had my mobile number. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Ive a child almost 2 years old as some of you will know and im an exceptionally proud single parent. Few days ago her dad got in contact with me asking to see her.. im just all over the place on what to do so asking for some advice from parents who have been through similar (single parents, families, and parents who were denied access)
My heart is very much in 2 places,, selfish me thinks 'i dont want to share her as we are set in our routine, we've done the hard work and now he just wants in on the fun times' and the other part says 'i wanted to know my own real dad growing up'
Me and her dad never really got on, all we did was argue and it wasnt a relationship when she was conceived. He knew about her from the moment i found out, he chose to play ignorant and say she wasnt his. He raised another child with a gf (since my little one was born) and expressed no interest, and since that relationship has ended he is now engaged to a woman with 3 children.
He did see her for all of 6 hours in those 22 months but its only now she is growing up that he can see that she is his double, i have also never refused paternity testing so long as we both paid for it (why would i pay for something i already know is full proof?!)
I never asked for a penny from him and just wanted them to bond.. we agree'd once a week we would meet up and spend time together but i wasn't going to jump through hoops to cater to his needs... this arrangement lasted two weeks before i no longer heard from him.
So ladies and gents.. what shall i do? Bite my lip and give it a go (again) with trying to introduce them to each other,, or settle for the easy option and let it be just me and my daughter? "
Me....I would do the hard yards fer my daughter...
If in later life I was questioned, I could explain I tried to allow a healthy relationship with the father..
Its difficult when the father reneges on promises..years of dissapointment..can affect a childs self esteeem...guess thats where you come in....explaining about life and peoples odd behaviour..as yer child gets older...mabye putting boundaries up...
People do change...mabye its a genuine attempt, by someone who is maturing to take his responsibility seriously...reconises the love yer child needs from its father is important...and wants to build on his need to express it...
I`d give it a chance...it might turn into something special....
I`m the wary optomist.. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Maybe he is getting older seeing things diffrent and can see he is missing out. He may get to a old man and think if only ..... he did this and that and its to late. |
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You did put a thread up sometime back sassy about how upset you where that he didnt want contact.
You have to give him a chance, you have to think of your daughter and not you. He may be a brilliant father and things will work out from here.
Personally, i would meet him on my own for a long chat, tell him about your worries and concerns.
Say your happy for him to see his daughter.
But if he lets her down once your well within your rights to stop him seeing her.
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By *DSRMan
over a year ago
leicester |
"sorry to say this... but your child as 3 half sisters/brothers, i have a half sister and i love her as much aa my other sister.. not to mention when your child grows up abd learns you stopped them from seeing their dad etc...your child will always love you, your their mum and obviously a good one since you are writting this thread, but in the long term i believe you will have to except him being around
that said, if your not ready to take that step yet and dont mind all the arguing etc, you could hold him off for a little longer, but really whats the point? it will only cause prolonged pain all around
hope you sort it all xx
The children he is currently raising are not his biologically so she wont have any half brothers or sisters from those relationships.
He does have one son thats his who is 13 and he is aware of my daughter.. im friends with his mother and we sent cards on birthday/christmas to the kids from each other. Ive listend to her experiences of him being a very flitty parent throughout his 13yr old sons life and it sounds like im better off without him as there was no consistency. His son also told me what his dad is like and with every new gf he gets pushed to the back. Ive tried not to let that tarnish my view of him,, but regrettably it has. "
ok, i see a little more clearly now x
He doesnt sound that great... i still think it will be difficult to stop access, assuming hes serious and willing to go through the courts, you could push him by saying no just to see if he will take that course of action or not, proving he is very serious about this for a change... although that would be stressful fir everyone
As a male id like to think he deserves a chance, since the interest he now shows... well he hasnt let you down since being interested
the truth is... only you know him, only you can decide if hes capible of caring for a child. but you always have to consider his possition as the childs farther, and that dies give him some rights, you can give him access and take that away if you feel he is abussing their time together
its a tough one hun... And everyone will act on this differently, so make sure you think about all the poasible reactions to your actions before making a decision.. maybe you could talk to ??? family support help?? must be something like that out there... i wouldnt requmend jerramy kyle tho lol
good luck x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Whatever you decide Must be in the best interest of the child...
The rest is games we adults play... And God knows, we dont play fair.
If in doubt, get professional advice.
Good luck...;-)"
Mabye this is the best advice..
A neutral space, where a recommended wise counsellor,can help define healthy attitudes and boundaries..
For everyone.. |
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Hi,sad situation.I had 2 fantastic kids that I basically brought up on my own (why mum went out and had affairs).when I found out and left she took my kids,7 & 10,and filled their poor heads with shit.after a 2yr court battle and 12k on solicitors she got the kids to say they didn't want to see me,leaving my heartbroken and deviststed.
My advice to prove he cares is set up a supervised access thru cafcass,you won't have to see him and you will know your lil angel will be safe.good luck in whatever you decide. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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thank you everyone for your input xx
as diamondsmiles pointed out,, i was gutted a while back that her dad expressed no interest in raising her.. and now he has suddenly had a wake up call im not so sure on if im happy or not... its just a bit mind numbing.
I felt a failure for bringing a child into a 'broken home' as in not mum dad and baby... but for selfish reasons i feel we have that extra close bond because we really do have each other. I get the chance to have what i wanted all along and im still not happy.. im uselss |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"2p....
Ive always told him my address and he's always had my mobile number. "
that's good. I wasn't commenting on you and your relationship with your ex and hope it didn't come across in that way, I was giving context to my advice.
I do hope it works out for all 3 of you.... x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I felt a failure for bringing a child into a 'broken home' as in not mum dad and baby... but for selfish reasons i feel we have that extra close bond because we really do have each other. I get the chance to have what i wanted all along and im still not happy.. im uselss"
Don't feel a failure, these things happen. And you are not a bad person for having confused feelings, you are just normal. x |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Bite your lip and keep the moral high ground. Your daughter will have no reason to ever turn against you in later life when the subject of her Father comes up if you are are not selfish now and do the right thing.
Put him in a position where he will have to do the explaining to her.
See he has already said to me something along the lines of 'if you refuse me this chance then its down to you to explain to her in later life why she never had her dad in her life'
Which makes me think he was trying that reverse psychology stuff on me.. making it my fault instead of his."
The truth is if you stop him seeing his daughter then it is your fault.
Don't underestimate your daughter, there will be a day when she looks back at the decision your about to make and she WILL judge you on that decision.
I disagree with some of the other posts. What have you got to lose by giving him lots of chances? Remember kids always seem to put the absent parent on a pedestal. They can do no wrong in the kids eyes until the kid matures enough to eventually take a more rational view.
Don't give your daughter the opportunity to blame you for her Fathers shortcomings.
Bite your lip, be as accomodating as you can, if he delivers, great. If not, you are there to give your daughter all the security she needs.
Selfishness now will hurt you in the future. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"thank you everyone for your input xx
as diamondsmiles pointed out,, i was gutted a while back that her dad expressed no interest in raising her.. and now he has suddenly had a wake up call im not so sure on if im happy or not... its just a bit mind numbing.
I felt a failure for bringing a child into a 'broken home' as in not mum dad and baby... but for selfish reasons i feel we have that extra close bond because we really do have each other. I get the chance to have what i wanted all along and im still not happy.. im uselss"
Yer to my way of reading things Sassy..
Feeling a mothers natural protective instinct..
Beating yerself up....won`t ever bring good mileage , unless you`ve committed a real act that deserves contrition...that doesn`t come thru...a desire to be the best you can...and be honest ...does..
Relationships break down...you were young...still are...
Forgive yer mistakes...you aren`t useless...more struggling with being human...
I understand the selfish tone...its a comfort zone...forgiveable.. |
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you already know yourself in your heart theres is really no choice. it shines through you love youre child above anything else ,and that includes any petty feelings between you and her father . its not easy doing the right thing for your kids but thats part and parcel of being a parent .
set up regular access at a contact centre .that way its nutral ground ,organised and you dont have to even set eyes on him but your child has quality time with their dad . the ball is then back in his court to turn up every week and make the commitment and effort to be there .as said by others make clear that its finnal chance and first time he just doesnt turn up then HES shut that door himself and wont be given the oppertunity ever again.
i do hope hed grasp the oppertunity to bond with his child, not for his sake but for your child .wish you all the best and hope situation goes for the best for your little one x |
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had to replie to black spices comment about not seeing the issue with giving the father lots of chances .
sorry but children are not things to be toyed with. you dont pick them up as when you can be bothered to play mummy or daddy, then soon as novalty wears off drop them again ! so why would any parent worth their salt need more than one chance to see their child ? they would grab that chance and make sure they are making the most of having quality time with their child any time they can. if the parent cant be arsed making that effort and commitment why should the child pay the emotional price every time they dont turn up? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"had to replie to black spices comment about not seeing the issue with giving the father lots of chances .
sorry but children are not things to be toyed with. you dont pick them up as when you can be bothered to play mummy or daddy, then soon as novalty wears off drop them again ! so why would any parent worth their salt need more than one chance to see their child ? they would grab that chance and make sure they are making the most of having quality time with their child any time they can. if the parent cant be arsed making that effort and commitment why should the child pay the emotional price every time they dont turn up? "
Got to say I agree with this. But the sounds of it, this guy has had a couple of chances already.
Cute's daughter is still young enough that if he fades out of her life again it shouldnt impact to much on her life.
But I dont agree with giving chance after chance, you either want to be a father or you dont.
As the child gets older the more chance of his there/gone type of fathering is just going to hurt the child. Children will blame themselves. Why doesnt daddy want to see me? Does daddy not love me any more? Oh look daddy is back. Oh hes the good 1. We have fun. Oh hes gone again.....why doesnt daddy want to see me?
Thats not healthy for a child.
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