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Dying Matters...
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Leading on from the ‘Ghosts’ thread, it got me thinking about something I read recently about death and bereavement. In May we saw Dying Matters Awareness Week, which was trying to make people see the benefits of talking honestly and openly about death.
I watched a beautiful video from an end of life clinician who explained about a patient’s last moments and how the ‘death rattle’ was actually just the patient being in such a relaxed state that they weren’t feeling the tickle of needing to swallow.
Is it something you talk honestly and openly about with your friends and family or do you think it should be left well alone? |
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By *eeBee67Man
over a year ago
Masked and Distant |
Having being present when my dad and then my father in law passed away, both peacefully, I can say it really should be something to not be scared of speaking about.
However I think end of life care should be given more credit and money.
Dying is one thing that we will all do at some point. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I worked In palliative care for 7 years. The importance of talking about death and dying I can't stress enough. My mum died last year and it was unexpected but luckily because we had been open in discussions I knew what she would want after life.
I feel it's important to discuss things with children too, too many people say passed away and won't use the D word but the more we talk about it the easier it becomes to get our head around. We all die, it shouldn't be a taboo subject.
My whole family know my wishes for after death and if I was in a situation where I was close to death. |
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By *eeBee67Man
over a year ago
Masked and Distant |
More than a handful
I have the utmost respect for anyone who can work in that profession.
Must be a heartbreaking job but rewarding if you've helped a family cope with the most difficult of times.
I agree too many people can't seem to say the word dying.
When the father in law was getting closer to dying we had open and Frank discussion with our daughters. Didn't make it easier for them but they at least had some understanding. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I think you have a great point. I've witnessed a lot of violent death and the link between death and peace has always been disconnected in my head.
There's some solace and peace in seeing it as natural. |
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Twenty eight years ago I woke up, one of my children, my only son, didn't. He was still warm so I tried CPR until the ambulance arrived and took over.
His heart was restarted but I knew more than four minutes had elapsed before I'd started CPR so he'd be brain damaged if not brain dead.
My husband was so happy and I didn't have the heart to brace him for what I knew was coming. I'd been a nurse so knew what tests were going on. The longest twelve hours of my life trying to keep my daughters entertained, reassuring my husband whilst not being able to be with my son and holding it all together.
When the doctors finally came and told us he was brain dead and needed permission to turn off his life support part of me died then. Whilst he was given the last rites whilst my husband held him his life support was disconnected and he slipped away.
When you lose someone people distance themselves from you and don't want to be reminded of their own mortality. Growing up in a Jamaican family death wasn't feared, it was talked about but for me death was for old people...never associated death with babies let alone my baby.
We talk about every aspect of our lives: nothing is off limits, yet the one thing none of us, Prince or pauper, can avoid we see as taboo not to be discussed and I'm not sure why. |
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Yes, we should talk about it openly and honestly.
My parents are 84 and 91. My mum used to talk very openly about when she died and what she wanted at her funeral so I'm well aware of what to do. My dad won't discuss it. They both tell me what they want to happen to the house and who I'm not to sell it too though. I don't know why they're so concerned about who buys it but I accept their wishes.
I'll talk about death with Mr N occasionally in general terms neither of us are particularly bothered about discussing it. Due to a my mother's recent accident we've needed to be able to discuss it in practical terms making sure we have plans in place etc.
Death isn't something many of us see first hand very often so I think we need to discuss it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Having being present when my dad and then my father in law passed away, both peacefully, I can say it really should be something to not be scared of speaking about.
However I think end of life care should be given more credit and money.
Dying is one thing that we will all do at some point."
Oh definitely. The work that hospices do and everyone who works in them are absolutely incredible. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I worked In palliative care for 7 years. The importance of talking about death and dying I can't stress enough. My mum died last year and it was unexpected but luckily because we had been open in discussions I knew what she would want after life.
I feel it's important to discuss things with children too, too many people say passed away and won't use the D word but the more we talk about it the easier it becomes to get our head around. We all die, it shouldn't be a taboo subject.
My whole family know my wishes for after death and if I was in a situation where I was close to death. "
I completely agree. Especially as children always seem to go through that phase of wanting to know about death, almost to the point where they become quite anxious about it.
I’m so sorry to hear you lost your Mum, lovely. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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" I think you have a great point. I've witnessed a lot of violent death and the link between death and peace has always been disconnected in my head.
There's some solace and peace in seeing it as natural."
I can imagine trying to find the peace of death after witnessing such awful things is really hard. Of course, how we die isn’t always going to be peaceful! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Have recently found out that yet another of ma mates is on his last legs, I know we aren't gonna live forever, but these are guys in their 50's 
"
I always remember my Nan telling me about how strange it is when your friends start to die. 50 is incredibly young - I’m sorry to hear that, Ace! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I’m am in no way scared of death.. simply scared of leaving my wife and children alone.."
Do you think it’s something you actively try to deal with now? Do you make any preparations for them? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I see death as an adventure to new frontiers, a wilderness as yet unexplored. Realms into another world if you will. Pastures I’ve yet to visit, but they entice me to a meadow of wonderment. Just hope the kettles on when I get there. |
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By *tonMessCouple
over a year ago
Slough Windsor ish |
We talk openly about things like this. One of my biggest fears in our situation is that for now Cheffy is still legally married inspite of being separated 3 and half years. Should he die would I have any rights or do all rights remain with his wife? Its something that plays on my mind a lot and he just doesn't seem to get it. Its the only thing we are not completely in sync with. He says he wants a divorce but never seems to do anything about it.
He did look into it but seemingly he has no grounds, she needs to divorce him for adultary. Get the feeling she won't do that just to piss us off.
Its also vital all talk about the organ donation side of things. We in our family are all 100% pro donation. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It's one of those things I tend to push to the back of my mind until I get some kinda reminder.
I don't fear my own death, I know it will happen but I never really think about it. It's like anything else, if I'm having fun then I'm not thinking about it ending. |
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"I worked In palliative care for 7 years. The importance of talking about death and dying I can't stress enough. My mum died last year and it was unexpected but luckily because we had been open in discussions I knew what she would want after life.
I feel it's important to discuss things with children too, too many people say passed away and won't use the D word but the more we talk about it the easier it becomes to get our head around. We all die, it shouldn't be a taboo subject.
My whole family know my wishes for after death and if I was in a situation where I was close to death. "
Massive props to you for that. I watched the hospice staff who cared for my dad have to jump from dealing with a deceased patient & distraught family to welcoming a new patient & making them feel safe & secure all in the space of about 20 minutes. I don’t know how anyone does it but I’m eternally grateful they do!
I watched my Gran & both parents through end of life care & all 3 were peaceful & dignified. I think it’s very important you know what they would want & what their wishes are afterwards (organ donation, burial, cremation etc). It’s the last earthly thing you can do for them & for their sake & your own peace of mind, it shouldn’t be a guessing game! xx |
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"We talk openly about things like this. One of my biggest fears in our situation is that for now Cheffy is still legally married inspite of being separated 3 and half years. Should he die would I have any rights or do all rights remain with his wife? Its something that plays on my mind a lot and he just doesn't seem to get it. Its the only thing we are not completely in sync with. He says he wants a divorce but never seems to do anything about it.
He did look into it but seemingly he has no grounds, she needs to divorce him for adultary. Get the feeling she won't do that just to piss us off.
Its also vital all talk about the organ donation side of things. We in our family are all 100% pro donation."
Once they are separated for x no of year’s, they can divorce uncontested. Not sure if that’s 5 or 7 years, but look into it (together!) legally, she holds all the cards x |
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By *tonMessCouple
over a year ago
Slough Windsor ish |
"We talk openly about things like this. One of my biggest fears in our situation is that for now Cheffy is still legally married inspite of being separated 3 and half years. Should he die would I have any rights or do all rights remain with his wife? Its something that plays on my mind a lot and he just doesn't seem to get it. Its the only thing we are not completely in sync with. He says he wants a divorce but never seems to do anything about it.
He did look into it but seemingly he has no grounds, she needs to divorce him for adultary. Get the feeling she won't do that just to piss us off.
Its also vital all talk about the organ donation side of things. We in our family are all 100% pro donation.
Once they are separated for x no of year’s, they can divorce uncontested. Not sure if that’s 5 or 7 years, but look into it (together!) legally, she holds all the cards x"
Thank you, will take a look. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Leading on from the ‘Ghosts’ thread, it got me thinking about something I read recently about death and bereavement. In May we saw Dying Matters Awareness Week, which was trying to make people see the benefits of talking honestly and openly about death.
I watched a beautiful video from an end of life clinician who explained about a patient’s last moments and how the ‘death rattle’ was actually just the patient being in such a relaxed state that they weren’t feeling the tickle of needing to swallow.
Is it something you talk honestly and openly about with your friends and family or do you think it should be left well alone? "
Its important. My dad refused to talk about it so we had to make an informed decision as to what has wishes would have been.
As an aside, I think end of life care in this country is massively flawed. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As my dad is very ill, and the prognosis is not good, this is something that has been discussed with my mum, we both know it is going to happen, but it's a matter of how soon, it is never easy to prepare for something like that.
I try to see him as much as possible, and try to remember him as he was, not as he is now |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As my dad is very ill, and the prognosis is not good, this is something that has been discussed with my mum, we both know it is going to happen, but it's a matter of how soon, it is never easy to prepare for something like that.
I try to see him as much as possible, and try to remember him as he was, not as he is now"
Sending hugs. It sucks x |
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"As my dad is very ill, and the prognosis is not good, this is something that has been discussed with my mum, we both know it is going to happen, but it's a matter of how soon, it is never easy to prepare for something like that.
I try to see him as much as possible, and try to remember him as he was, not as he is now"
I don't think you can prepare other than in a practical way.
When my aunt was dying she had time to put her affairs in order, we all had time to say goodbye and share memories with her. We all knew she was dying but it still came as a shock when she did. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I was there when my late husband died, its a very surreal experience sitting with someone all day waiting for them to die. I found that half the people we knew stopped talking to me. 2 years later when my son got testicular cancer half of the ones that were still talking to me stopped too. Those are 2 things people don't like talking about death and cancer.
XXX |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Nobody will probably know I have died until the smell starts leaving the house, (or unless I don't turn up to work ), but I have made a written document detailing what I want to happen... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I was there when my late husband died, its a very surreal experience sitting with someone all day waiting for them to die. I found that half the people we knew stopped talking to me. 2 years later when my son got testicular cancer half of the ones that were still talking to me stopped too. Those are 2 things people don't like talking about death and cancer.
XXX"
I had the same thing. When my Dad died, my friends completely ignored it. I know they were doing it because they didn’t want to upset me, but I just needed to talk about it. It was the same when my Mum got poorly. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Twenty eight years ago I woke up, one of my children, my only son, didn't. He was still warm so I tried CPR until the ambulance arrived and took over.
His heart was restarted but I knew more than four minutes had elapsed before I'd started CPR so he'd be brain damaged if not brain dead.
My husband was so happy and I didn't have the heart to brace him for what I knew was coming. I'd been a nurse so knew what tests were going on. The longest twelve hours of my life trying to keep my daughters entertained, reassuring my husband whilst not being able to be with my son and holding it all together.
When the doctors finally came and told us he was brain dead and needed permission to turn off his life support part of me died then. Whilst he was given the last rites whilst my husband held him his life support was disconnected and he slipped away.
When you lose someone people distance themselves from you and don't want to be reminded of their own mortality. Growing up in a Jamaican family death wasn't feared, it was talked about but for me death was for old people...never associated death with babies let alone my baby.
We talk about every aspect of our lives: nothing is off limits, yet the one thing none of us, Prince or pauper, can avoid we see as taboo not to be discussed and I'm not sure why."
I can’t even imagine going through this, but I’m very aware that it is something that could happen to us all. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"As my dad is very ill, and the prognosis is not good, this is something that has been discussed with my mum, we both know it is going to happen, but it's a matter of how soon, it is never easy to prepare for something like that.
I try to see him as much as possible, and try to remember him as he was, not as he is now"
I’m so sorry to hear this. I remember going to see my Dad and trying to make him laugh as much as possible and be as normal as I could.
Sending love! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We talk openly about things like this. One of my biggest fears in our situation is that for now Cheffy is still legally married inspite of being separated 3 and half years. Should he die would I have any rights or do all rights remain with his wife? Its something that plays on my mind a lot and he just doesn't seem to get it. Its the only thing we are not completely in sync with. He says he wants a divorce but never seems to do anything about it.
He did look into it but seemingly he has no grounds, she needs to divorce him for adultary. Get the feeling she won't do that just to piss us off.
Its also vital all talk about the organ donation side of things. We in our family are all 100% pro donation."
A good friend of mine recently had first hand experience of this. Her Aunt had been with her partner for 25 years, not married. He died and unfortunately his children took everything. It got very messy. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"If you make a will but don't have chance to tell anyone about it, how can they find it?"
I think if you make a legal will, then upon death, the solicitor starts the process. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Leading on from the ‘Ghosts’ thread, it got me thinking about something I read recently about death and bereavement. In May we saw Dying Matters Awareness Week, which was trying to make people see the benefits of talking honestly and openly about death.
I watched a beautiful video from an end of life clinician who explained about a patient’s last moments and how the ‘death rattle’ was actually just the patient being in such a relaxed state that they weren’t feeling the tickle of needing to swallow.
Is it something you talk honestly and openly about with your friends and family or do you think it should be left well alone?
Its important. My dad refused to talk about it so we had to make an informed decision as to what has wishes would have been.
As an aside, I think end of life care in this country is massively flawed."
I think the hospices are incredible. What would you change about it? |
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"I was there when my late husband died, its a very surreal experience sitting with someone all day waiting for them to die. I found that half the people we knew stopped talking to me. 2 years later when my son got testicular cancer half of the ones that were still talking to me stopped too. Those are 2 things people don't like talking about death and cancer.
XXX
I had the same thing. When my Dad died, my friends completely ignored it. I know they were doing it because they didn’t want to upset me, but I just needed to talk about it. It was the same when my Mum got poorly."
Last Sunday would have been my son's 28th birthday. My other half ignored it, choosing instead to go and spend time with an old friend of his who was upset her dog had been put down. He can't understand why that upset me and is making me question our future. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I was there when my late husband died, its a very surreal experience sitting with someone all day waiting for them to die. I found that half the people we knew stopped talking to me. 2 years later when my son got testicular cancer half of the ones that were still talking to me stopped too. Those are 2 things people don't like talking about death and cancer.
XXX
I had the same thing. When my Dad died, my friends completely ignored it. I know they were doing it because they didn’t want to upset me, but I just needed to talk about it. It was the same when my Mum got poorly.
Last Sunday would have been my son's 28th birthday. My other half ignored it, choosing instead to go and spend time with an old friend of his who was upset her dog had been put down. He can't understand why that upset me and is making me question our future."
I would’ve been upset too. I’ve had a similar thing happen. When I asked them, they said it was because they knew I was strong and could cope. Do you think this could be the case for your partner? |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I was there when my late husband died, its a very surreal experience sitting with someone all day waiting for them to die. I found that half the people we knew stopped talking to me. 2 years later when my son got testicular cancer half of the ones that were still talking to me stopped too. Those are 2 things people don't like talking about death and cancer.
XXX
I had the same thing. When my Dad died, my friends completely ignored it. I know they were doing it because they didn’t want to upset me, but I just needed to talk about it. It was the same when my Mum got poorly.
Last Sunday would have been my son's 28th birthday. My other half ignored it, choosing instead to go and spend time with an old friend of his who was upset her dog had been put down. He can't understand why that upset me and is making me question our future."
Does he lack empathy in other situations too? I think you've mentioned similar before. He might just not realise. However if he cares about you he can 'learn' how you need him to behave. Tell him how you feel.
Hugs xxxx |
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"I was there when my late husband died, its a very surreal experience sitting with someone all day waiting for them to die. I found that half the people we knew stopped talking to me. 2 years later when my son got testicular cancer half of the ones that were still talking to me stopped too. Those are 2 things people don't like talking about death and cancer.
XXX
I had the same thing. When my Dad died, my friends completely ignored it. I know they were doing it because they didn’t want to upset me, but I just needed to talk about it. It was the same when my Mum got poorly.
Last Sunday would have been my son's 28th birthday. My other half ignored it, choosing instead to go and spend time with an old friend of his who was upset her dog had been put down. He can't understand why that upset me and is making me question our future."
|
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Re the people not talking to you thing. My mum recently had a terrible accident. I saw things I don't want to see again. I was talking to a friend about fearing that she would die and she got angry and snapped "well she hasn't has she". I know it's fear that makes people react like that. They fear death and they fear witnesses people in anguish over it especially if they're fond of those people. They just don't want to deal with it. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Re the people not talking to you thing. My mum recently had a terrible accident. I saw things I don't want to see again. I was talking to a friend about fearing that she would die and she got angry and snapped "well she hasn't has she". I know it's fear that makes people react like that. They fear death and they fear witnesses people in anguish over it especially if they're fond of those people. They just don't want to deal with it."
Yep, it’s completely this. Whether it brings up their own immortality or it’s just a subject they’re not comfortable with. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Twenty eight years ago I woke up, one of my children, my only son, didn't. He was still warm so I tried CPR until the ambulance arrived and took over.
His heart was restarted but I knew more than four minutes had elapsed before I'd started CPR so he'd be brain damaged if not brain dead.
My husband was so happy and I didn't have the heart to brace him for what I knew was coming. I'd been a nurse so knew what tests were going on. The longest twelve hours of my life trying to keep my daughters entertained, reassuring my husband whilst not being able to be with my son and holding it all together.
When the doctors finally came and told us he was brain dead and needed permission to turn off his life support part of me died then. Whilst he was given the last rites whilst my husband held him his life support was disconnected and he slipped away.
When you lose someone people distance themselves from you and don't want to be reminded of their own mortality. Growing up in a Jamaican family death wasn't feared, it was talked about but for me death was for old people...never associated death with babies let alone my baby.
We talk about every aspect of our lives: nothing is off limits, yet the one thing none of us, Prince or pauper, can avoid we see as taboo not to be discussed and I'm not sure why.
I can’t even imagine going through this, but I’m very aware that it is something that could happen to us all. "
I have lost 2 babies so I feel the posters pain very much  |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It’s something we are facing at the moment as my mum has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. It’s hard to think about because even as an adult you want your parents to be around forever. Death is all around us but we still bury our heads in the sand about it. Me and my brother have got some hard conversations to have with my mum in the next few weeks and I won’t lie, I don’t want to do it. |
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I think that it should be talked about. I've known people who could have been destroyed by someone dying but part of them coping has been them talking about death. Like other things that we might get anxious or scared of, if we try to avoid acknowledging it, it can gain a greater hold in our minds. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Work is a problem over the last few years I have had family members and friends die for loads of different reasons.
But work would not even give me a day of for a friend's funeral. So I took the day off and I got a warning for it.An uncle they told me as it was in the morning I had to be in work in the afternoon.
You just can't get time to cry over your love ones. |
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"Twenty eight years ago I woke up..."
Crikey, that’s tough reading over Sunday breakfast. I appear to have something in my eye. Thank you for sharing that.
———
I speak openly with my parents about death. Be it theirs, mine, or others now that we’re getting older; I still have three out of four grandparents, but not for much longer. One of our family friends is in the HDU at hospital, and things aren’t looking great.
It used to freak me out, when I was younger. Since then, I’ve built up a bit of first hand experience. The first person I had to tell that a loved one had died was my ex-fiancée, when her closest grandparent died. I’ve done it a few times since, and it never gets any easier.
My nieces are at the age of realising that not everyone they love will always be here. They were recently asking how long my dog would live. I see no point in using euphemisms, or dressing it up in any other way. A reminder that people won’t be here forever is a reminder to show them how much we love them right now. |
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"Cheffy is still legally married inspite of being separated 3 and half years. Should he die would I have any rights or do all rights remain with his wife?"
Yeah, there’s no point dressing this one up: that’s a situation that needs changed, and it’s selfish that he’s stalling. He’s leaving you with serious problems if he dies before he fixes that. |
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"I was there when my late husband died, its a very surreal experience sitting with someone all day waiting for them to die. I found that half the people we knew stopped talking to me. 2 years later when my son got testicular cancer half of the ones that were still talking to me stopped too. Those are 2 things people don't like talking about death and cancer.
XXX
I had the same thing. When my Dad died, my friends completely ignored it. I know they were doing it because they didn’t want to upset me, but I just needed to talk about it. It was the same when my Mum got poorly.
Last Sunday would have been my son's 28th birthday. My other half ignored it, choosing instead to go and spend time with an old friend of his who was upset her dog had been put down. He can't understand why that upset me and is making me question our future.
I would’ve been upset too. I’ve had a similar thing happen. When I asked them, they said it was because they knew I was strong and could cope. Do you think this could be the case for your partner? "
That's exactly what he said and added that his friend was old (she's in her eighties) and the dog was her only companion plus I had a family. I think it's very nice he looks out for her, I don't mind he goes and cuts her lawn whilst I cut mine, that he puts out her bins whilst I do mine, but her dead dog before my dead son?!! Made me look at him differently if I'm honest. |
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"I was there when my late husband died, its a very surreal experience sitting with someone all day waiting for them to die. I found that half the people we knew stopped talking to me. 2 years later when my son got testicular cancer half of the ones that were still talking to me stopped too. Those are 2 things people don't like talking about death and cancer.
XXX
I had the same thing. When my Dad died, my friends completely ignored it. I know they were doing it because they didn’t want to upset me, but I just needed to talk about it. It was the same when my Mum got poorly.
Last Sunday would have been my son's 28th birthday. My other half ignored it, choosing instead to go and spend time with an old friend of his who was upset her dog had been put down. He can't understand why that upset me and is making me question our future.
Does he lack empathy in other situations too? I think you've mentioned similar before. He might just not realise. However if he cares about you he can 'learn' how you need him to behave. Tell him how you feel.
Hugs xxxx"
He does lack empathy towards me but shows it towards others and tries to make out I'm overreacting. I'm not shy in telling him how I feel but he looks at me as if I'm unreasonable. His attitude was pretty much it's 28 years, haven't you got over it yet, compared to his "stiff, upper lipped" friend who cried for her dog who needs support and company. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In general, people just won't let you talk about it, no matter how much you want or need to.
When I was widowed some years ago, I was desperate to talk about it - but all my friends (now mostly ex-friends) would just avoid it completely...
I ended up in therapy, taking it out with a Clinical Psychologist...
I've come to terms with living with the loss, but not the anger at all the people who suddenly weren't there any more, when I needed them...
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Twenty eight years ago I woke up, one of my children, my only son, didn't. He was still warm so I tried CPR until the ambulance arrived and took over.
His heart was restarted but I knew more than four minutes had elapsed before I'd started CPR so he'd be brain damaged if not brain dead.
My husband was so happy and I didn't have the heart to brace him for what I knew was coming. I'd been a nurse so knew what tests were going on. The longest twelve hours of my life trying to keep my daughters entertained, reassuring my husband whilst not being able to be with my son and holding it all together.
When the doctors finally came and told us he was brain dead and needed permission to turn off his life support part of me died then. Whilst he was given the last rites whilst my husband held him his life support was disconnected and he slipped away.
When you lose someone people distance themselves from you and don't want to be reminded of their own mortality. Growing up in a Jamaican family death wasn't feared, it was talked about but for me death was for old people...never associated death with babies let alone my baby.
We talk about every aspect of our lives: nothing is off limits, yet the one thing none of us, Prince or pauper, can avoid we see as taboo not to be discussed and I'm not sure why.
I can’t even imagine going through this, but I’m very aware that it is something that could happen to us all.
I have lost 2 babies so I feel the posters pain very much "
There’s been a lot of coverage about losing babies too, which is so sad to watch, but hopefully it’s connecting people dealing with it with support services! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"In general, people just won't let you talk about it, no matter how much you want or need to.
When I was widowed some years ago, I was desperate to talk about it - but all my friends (now mostly ex-friends) would just avoid it completely...
I ended up in therapy, taking it out with a Clinical Psychologist...
I've come to terms with living with the loss, but not the anger at all the people who suddenly weren't there any more, when I needed them...
"
That must’ve been really difficult. I also think people (and we all do it) are very quick to go straight to advice like “it’ll get easier” when all you need them to do is listen and be there for you.
I hope you’ve found a better support network now! X |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I was there when my late husband died, its a very surreal experience sitting with someone all day waiting for them to die. I found that half the people we knew stopped talking to me. 2 years later when my son got testicular cancer half of the ones that were still talking to me stopped too. Those are 2 things people don't like talking about death and cancer.
XXX
I had the same thing. When my Dad died, my friends completely ignored it. I know they were doing it because they didn’t want to upset me, but I just needed to talk about it. It was the same when my Mum got poorly.
Last Sunday would have been my son's 28th birthday. My other half ignored it, choosing instead to go and spend time with an old friend of his who was upset her dog had been put down. He can't understand why that upset me and is making me question our future.
I would’ve been upset too. I’ve had a similar thing happen. When I asked them, they said it was because they knew I was strong and could cope. Do you think this could be the case for your partner?
That's exactly what he said and added that his friend was old (she's in her eighties) and the dog was her only companion plus I had a family. I think it's very nice he looks out for her, I don't mind he goes and cuts her lawn whilst I cut mine, that he puts out her bins whilst I do mine, but her dead dog before my dead son?!! Made me look at him differently if I'm honest."
I can imagine. I hope you get it sorted out - I love hearing about your Fab love story! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"It’s something we are facing at the moment as my mum has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. It’s hard to think about because even as an adult you want your parents to be around forever. Death is all around us but we still bury our heads in the sand about it. Me and my brother have got some hard conversations to have with my mum in the next few weeks and I won’t lie, I don’t want to do it. "
Oh lovely, I’m so sorry to hear this. It’s really difficult, but nice they’re done, you can carry on making the most of her! X |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think that it should be talked about. I've known people who could have been destroyed by someone dying but part of them coping has been them talking about death. Like other things that we might get anxious or scared of, if we try to avoid acknowledging it, it can gain a greater hold in our minds."
Yep, I agree. Although I do realise that some struggle to open up. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Work is a problem over the last few years I have had family members and friends die for loads of different reasons.
But work would not even give me a day of for a friend's funeral. So I took the day off and I got a warning for it.An uncle they told me as it was in the morning I had to be in work in the afternoon.
You just can't get time to cry over your love ones."
I really do think they should change compassionate leave. Luckily, I’ve had bosses who have been emphatic enough to give me time off. One even let me take 3 months off to look after my Mum. |
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"Have recently found out that yet another of ma mates is on his last legs, I know we aren't gonna live forever, but these are guys in their 50's
I always remember my Nan telling me about how strange it is when your friends start to die. 50 is incredibly young - I’m sorry to hear that, Ace! "
Yeah, that'll be 5 in about 6 years soon , they were all single guys as well. Marry me someone, anyone....  |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Have recently found out that yet another of ma mates is on his last legs, I know we aren't gonna live forever, but these are guys in their 50's
I always remember my Nan telling me about how strange it is when your friends start to die. 50 is incredibly young - I’m sorry to hear that, Ace!
Yeah, that'll be 5 in about 6 years soon , they were all single guys as well. Marry me someone, anyone.... "
Did you end up making contact?
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"Have recently found out that yet another of ma mates is on his last legs, I know we aren't gonna live forever, but these are guys in their 50's
I always remember my Nan telling me about how strange it is when your friends start to die. 50 is incredibly young - I’m sorry to hear that, Ace!
Yeah, that'll be 5 in about 6 years soon , they were all single guys as well. Marry me someone, anyone....
Did you end up making contact?
"
I popped a note through his door, but I doubt he'll get back to me as he doesn't even want to speak to his family.... |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"Have recently found out that yet another of ma mates is on his last legs, I know we aren't gonna live forever, but these are guys in their 50's
I always remember my Nan telling me about how strange it is when your friends start to die. 50 is incredibly young - I’m sorry to hear that, Ace!
Yeah, that'll be 5 in about 6 years soon , they were all single guys as well. Marry me someone, anyone....
Did you end up making contact?
I popped a note through his door, but I doubt he'll get back to me as he doesn't even want to speak to his family...."
I think you’ve done all you can. He knows you’re there for him if he needs you! |
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"Have recently found out that yet another of ma mates is on his last legs, I know we aren't gonna live forever, but these are guys in their 50's
I always remember my Nan telling me about how strange it is when your friends start to die. 50 is incredibly young - I’m sorry to hear that, Ace!
Yeah, that'll be 5 in about 6 years soon , they were all single guys as well. Marry me someone, anyone....
Did you end up making contact?
I popped a note through his door, but I doubt he'll get back to me as he doesn't even want to speak to his family....
I think you’ve done all you can. He knows you’re there for him if he needs you! "
He's been misdiagnosed and the cancer has returned after being given the all clear. Half his insides have been removed and I don't think he wants to let anyone see him wearing a colostomy bag |
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We are very open about death and dying in my family. I got my parents to write down their wishes regarding their funeral, and all the details that go with it. I know when they would want life support switched off, and have signed the paperwork for POA.
They, and other significant people in my life are also aware of my wishes and also what I would want to happen to my child in the event of my death, and also in what circumstances I would not want to be kept alive.
I used to be very squeamish about this sort of thing and would avoid talking about it. However someone in my life had an accident about 10 years ago, which led them to be on life support in ITU and I had no clue about what he would want in the long term should there be a choice. Luckily in this situation, and against the odds, the surgery was successful and he went on to make a fairly good recovery over many months.
But I swore then that I would make it my business to ensure that everyone in my family were aware of each other’s wishes and what we would want. I’m saying that should I be in that situation again and I disagreed with my loved ones decision, that it would be easy to go with, but I would give it my best shot.
Death is very much a taboo subject here and it’s something that we all need to be more open about with people we care about. Having an awareness of what your loved ones want can make a horrific time a tiny bit more copeable.
My daughter was 3 when our beloved dog died. I was truthful with her, albeit in a gentle way. The discussion needs to happen early. |
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"I was there when my late husband died, its a very surreal experience sitting with someone all day waiting for them to die. I found that half the people we knew stopped talking to me. 2 years later when my son got testicular cancer half of the ones that were still talking to me stopped too. Those are 2 things people don't like talking about death and cancer.
XXX
I had the same thing. When my Dad died, my friends completely ignored it. I know they were doing it because they didn’t want to upset me, but I just needed to talk about it. It was the same when my Mum got poorly.
Last Sunday would have been my son's 28th birthday. My other half ignored it, choosing instead to go and spend time with an old friend of his who was upset her dog had been put down. He can't understand why that upset me and is making me question our future.
I would’ve been upset too. I’ve had a similar thing happen. When I asked them, they said it was because they knew I was strong and could cope. Do you think this could be the case for your partner?
That's exactly what he said and added that his friend was old (she's in her eighties) and the dog was her only companion plus I had a family. I think it's very nice he looks out for her, I don't mind he goes and cuts her lawn whilst I cut mine, that he puts out her bins whilst I do mine, but her dead dog before my dead son?!! Made me look at him differently if I'm honest."
I don't know him or you but do you think what he really means is he's not strong enough to cope with your grief? This seems particularly harsh on you |
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As you die your body shuts down, but your brain shuts down last.
The brain will in its last moments understands you are dead. This means your eyes can stop breathing, eyes stop dilating, no heart beat, for a good few minutes and your brain will know you are dead.
You will realize "this is it, I am dead".
Due to oxygen levels falling this is actually a very calm relaxed realization, almost like you are on drugs.
Your brain then runs through your memories, the most emotional ones get shown more vividly. Your life literally does flash before your eyes.
They believe you can still sense people around you up to 15 minutes later.
The emotions attached to the vivid memories will be detached. You will be watching them as if it was on tv, not as if you are reliving them.
And then you will be gone.
so....
go out and make vivid happy memories. |
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In March my aunt died. I'd never seen anyone die before. Although it was I suppose what would be called a 'peaceful' death, it seemed anything but. A few minutes beforehand, her nose started running and bleeding a bit, and she had fluid coming from her mouth and I was continuously trying to mop these up whilst the nurse was drawing up something to stop the secretions. But then she took a last breath and that was that. Her eyelids slowly opened as her heart slowed and I swear I saw her eyes changing colour, becoming clouded and milky.
I was shocked by all this and didn't really know how to process it. Nobody ever tells you what happens when someone dies. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"In March my aunt died. I'd never seen anyone die before. Although it was I suppose what would be called a 'peaceful' death, it seemed anything but. A few minutes beforehand, her nose started running and bleeding a bit, and she had fluid coming from her mouth and I was continuously trying to mop these up whilst the nurse was drawing up something to stop the secretions. But then she took a last breath and that was that. Her eyelids slowly opened as her heart slowed and I swear I saw her eyes changing colour, becoming clouded and milky.
I was shocked by all this and didn't really know how to process it. Nobody ever tells you what happens when someone dies. "
Which is why, if it is within my power, I will die alone. I have seen people die in various circumstances and it was never good. I don't want my loved ones seeing that. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As you die your body shuts down, but your brain shuts down last.
The brain will in its last moments understands you are dead. This means your eyes can stop breathing, eyes stop dilating, no heart beat, for a good few minutes and your brain will know you are dead.
You will realize "this is it, I am dead".
Due to oxygen levels falling this is actually a very calm relaxed realization, almost like you are on drugs.
Your brain then runs through your memories, the most emotional ones get shown more vividly. Your life literally does flash before your eyes.
They believe you can still sense people around you up to 15 minutes later.
The emotions attached to the vivid memories will be detached. You will be watching them as if it was on tv, not as if you are reliving them.
And then you will be gone.
so....
go out and make vivid happy memories."
Some new research findings on this a few months ago.
www.independent.co.uk/life-style/human-brain-conscious-heart-stops-beating-death-neurology-research-a8232921.html |
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Death is natural.
It is part of the life cycle. How can we go through life and appreciate each day if we never consider our own mortality?
Not thinking about death. Not saying the word death. Not accepting death's inevitability won't prevent it from happening.
Death is far too sanitised these days. When we were more tribal, saying goodbye to the dead was normal practise for all members.
Even just two decades ago we all had our dead in our homes before they were taken on their final journey.
We are too far removed and therefore scared.
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"Also, if you're with someone who literally just died, be brave and tell them they were loved for as long as you can, cause they will be able to hear you for a while."
Do that while they are alive. |
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By *mmmMaybeCouple
over a year ago
West Wales |
We have talked about it quite a lot due to various things in our families, My dad was one of 9, Not a single one lived past 64, dad went at 61 & he'd had to take early retirement at 56. More recently H has lost both her parents, both to longterm battles with C.
I was a London Despatch Rider for 12 years, lost a good few friends & colleagues the worst being someone I'd spent a great bbq Sunday afternoon with his family & kids of 2 & 6, the following afternoon he went under a truck.
Our eldest at 2yrs got a rare cancer, quite a good one with an 85%+ survival rate, she lost a few bits internally but starts secondary school in Sept. 
When the team told us they asked if we wanted counciling as apparently many do the "Why us?" Thing, especially those of faith. We shrugged & said "Why shouldn't it be us instead of someone else? 85% is pretty good, best you get on with it then". Think it took them back a bit tbh.
I still ride bikes on pretty much a daily basis and on sunny days still ride like a dick, albeit a slightly smaller one than pre kids
But we've had the what if conversations & we both know our feelings on life & death & things like full paralysis & vegetative state etc. Neither of us are religious & pretty much live with the "When its your time, its your time & that's it" way of thinking.
Something I saw sitting at some lights brought this home more than ever, big set of multiway lights so you are there a while, saw a chap bend down to come out of the papershop & thought "Jeez how tall is he!" Watched him walk diagonally toward the kerb with his back to the traffic, probably something he'd been doing for years, just as he reached the kerb a route master was pulling away from its stop, driver looking I guess in his offside mirror, the guy didn't slow walked straight to the the edge of the kerb oblivious, probably still oblivious when the buses nearside mirror hit him on the back of the head & killed him stone dead before he hit the ground.
When its your time.......
We have always laughed about H looking after me (18yr age diff) as she has spent the last 16yrs in the care home industry but things have taken a freaky twist & it looks likely it'll be the other way round, but such is life, deal with the hand your given & make the best of it, there's little point in moaning about it.
S |
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By *mmmMaybeCouple
over a year ago
West Wales |
Forgot to say both our kids have a very matter of fact view of dying, not an uncaring one, more a "Fact of Life" one & we do talk openly about it with them. They have had to deal with losing their three grandparents in the last two years after all.
S |
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"Also, if you're with someone who literally just died, be brave and tell them they were loved for as long as you can, cause they will be able to hear you for a while.
Do that while they are alive."
This isn't a thread about how to treat people while alive, my point was, when someone dies infront of you, you can either cry and not touch and hold them and talk to them, or you can talk to them and tell them or remind them some positive things.
Should be happy to be there in the final moments as you can get to do that for them. |
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By *eKoopleCouple
over a year ago
Germany / Manchester |
Having witnessed death in combat, death has become a subject very close to my heart and one I’ve occasionally discussed.
When faced with death, I believe it’s one of life’s necessary lessons, for it teaches how valuable life really is.
I have a replica painting on my wall entitled ‘Vanitas’ by an artist by named Phillipe de Champaign, who’s painting symbolises life, death and time and it’s a powerful reminder of how I should live my day. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"In March my aunt died. I'd never seen anyone die before. Although it was I suppose what would be called a 'peaceful' death, it seemed anything but. A few minutes beforehand, her nose started running and bleeding a bit, and she had fluid coming from her mouth and I was continuously trying to mop these up whilst the nurse was drawing up something to stop the secretions. But then she took a last breath and that was that. Her eyelids slowly opened as her heart slowed and I swear I saw her eyes changing colour, becoming clouded and milky.
I was shocked by all this and didn't really know how to process it. Nobody ever tells you what happens when someone dies.
Which is why, if it is within my power, I will die alone. I have seen people die in various circumstances and it was never good. I don't want my loved ones seeing that."
My Dad was very much like this. I also know that many of my family members wouldn’t want to be seen after death and so I’d respect that, too! |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"We are very open about death and dying in my family. I got my parents to write down their wishes regarding their funeral, and all the details that go with it. I know when they would want life support switched off, and have signed the paperwork for POA.
They, and other significant people in my life are also aware of my wishes and also what I would want to happen to my child in the event of my death, and also in what circumstances I would not want to be kept alive.
I used to be very squeamish about this sort of thing and would avoid talking about it. However someone in my life had an accident about 10 years ago, which led them to be on life support in ITU and I had no clue about what he would want in the long term should there be a choice. Luckily in this situation, and against the odds, the surgery was successful and he went on to make a fairly good recovery over many months.
But I swore then that I would make it my business to ensure that everyone in my family were aware of each other’s wishes and what we would want. I’m saying that should I be in that situation again and I disagreed with my loved ones decision, that it would be easy to go with, but I would give it my best shot.
Death is very much a taboo subject here and it’s something that we all need to be more open about with people we care about. Having an awareness of what your loved ones want can make a horrific time a tiny bit more copeable.
My daughter was 3 when our beloved dog died. I was truthful with her, albeit in a gentle way. The discussion needs to happen early. "
I’m so pleased your friend pulled through!
We’ve recently broached that subject with my Nieces. Their family dog died and the youngest is 5. My Brother made sure she knew what happened and she took it incredibly well. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Also, if you're with someone who literally just died, be brave and tell them they were loved for as long as you can, cause they will be able to hear you for a while.
Do that while they are alive.
This isn't a thread about how to treat people while alive, my point was, when someone dies infront of you, you can either cry and not touch and hold them and talk to them, or you can talk to them and tell them or remind them some positive things.
Should be happy to be there in the final moments as you can get to do that for them."
I think it’s good to do both |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"We have talked about it quite a lot due to various things in our families, My dad was one of 9, Not a single one lived past 64, dad went at 61 & he'd had to take early retirement at 56. More recently H has lost both her parents, both to longterm battles with C.
I was a London Despatch Rider for 12 years, lost a good few friends & colleagues the worst being someone I'd spent a great bbq Sunday afternoon with his family & kids of 2 & 6, the following afternoon he went under a truck.
Our eldest at 2yrs got a rare cancer, quite a good one with an 85%+ survival rate, she lost a few bits internally but starts secondary school in Sept.
When the team told us they asked if we wanted counciling as apparently many do the "Why us?" Thing, especially those of faith. We shrugged & said "Why shouldn't it be us instead of someone else? 85% is pretty good, best you get on with it then". Think it took them back a bit tbh.
I still ride bikes on pretty much a daily basis and on sunny days still ride like a dick, albeit a slightly smaller one than pre kids
But we've had the what if conversations & we both know our feelings on life & death & things like full paralysis & vegetative state etc. Neither of us are religious & pretty much live with the "When its your time, its your time & that's it" way of thinking.
Something I saw sitting at some lights brought this home more than ever, big set of multiway lights so you are there a while, saw a chap bend down to come out of the papershop & thought "Jeez how tall is he!" Watched him walk diagonally toward the kerb with his back to the traffic, probably something he'd been doing for years, just as he reached the kerb a route master was pulling away from its stop, driver looking I guess in his offside mirror, the guy didn't slow walked straight to the the edge of the kerb oblivious, probably still oblivious when the buses nearside mirror hit him on the back of the head & killed him stone dead before he hit the ground.
When its your time.......
We have always laughed about H looking after me (18yr age diff) as she has spent the last 16yrs in the care home industry but things have taken a freaky twist & it looks likely it'll be the other way round, but such is life, deal with the hand your given & make the best of it, there's little point in moaning about it.
S"
Hey, you two!
I’m sorry to hear H isn’t great - Sending love! X |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
|
"Having witnessed death in combat, death has become a subject very close to my heart and one I’ve occasionally discussed.
When faced with death, I believe it’s one of life’s necessary lessons, for it teaches how valuable life really is.
I have a replica painting on my wall entitled ‘Vanitas’ by an artist by named Phillipe de Champaign, who’s painting symbolises life, death and time and it’s a powerful reminder of how I should live my day."
I’ve just looked that painting up. I love that the tulip represents your glory. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've been around death from an early age, my Dad never shielded me, always talked openly and honestly about it. It's a cycle, it's a certainty in life, you pay tax and you die. I think it was his Irish blood, his family would have their dead in their living room. Life would go on, neigbours would come to pay respects. It was just part of life.
Still hurt when I lost him, he always told me he never wanted me to see him laid out. I went against his wishes as just before he died I found out I was pregnant, never got to tell him whilst he was alive. My last words to him were "I have news, will tell you Saturday"
I got to tell him, not in the way I wished but still. Felt natural sat with him, and could of sat all day.
Same with Mum, she was on a ventilator. The turned the machine off before I got there, she had already gone the day before. I felt her go, something in me snapped that day and I haven't felt whole since.
Held my father in law's hand as he died horrendous. Chronic alcoholic, riddled with cancer, it was a relief when he was relieved of his burdens.
When I die I've told my kids to celebrate me anyway they see fit. But I want a private cremation, no mourners, no flowers, people have better things to be doing, people including my sons need to be making the most of life. Not sat in a cold crem wasting 45 minutes of their life that they'll never get back disposing of my remains. Nope. Not that.
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"It's only when you have seen death, can you truly appreciate how precious life is and how we should be making the most of our time."
I agree. When my father knew he was dieing he listed a whole load of things he wished he’d done and seen. I don’t want that to be me. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"It's only when you have seen death, can you truly appreciate how precious life is and how we should be making the most of our time.
I agree. When my father knew he was dieing he listed a whole load of things he wished he’d done and seen. I don’t want that to be me. "
I hope you are making memories |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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In my job death is basically ‘the final thing’ for me with my residents and if they have no family or friends and the carers are too busy I am only too happy to sit with them and hold their hands while they make their final journey.
I saw my first body 13 years ago this year and it was horrendous, it was my ex husbands uncle and I can never get that image out of my head as the room he was in was horrible and cold, some years later when I became a carer, one of the young lads wanted to go and see one of our residents that had passed that we had cared for in her final days but wasn’t there at the end, I didn’t want to go but being the older one I put my thoughts to back of my head but I’m glad I did, it wasn’t a bad experience and ever since that moment I vowed to be with as many residents as I can that doesn’t have anyone else.
My sister hated talking about when my parents die but my dad recently had a heart attack and she has changed quite a bit and will talk about it, I think it does need to be spoken about, my boys know my wishes for after my death and so does Ads.
Geeky x |
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