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Losing Family & Friends To Cancer
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By *ce Winger OP Man
over a year ago
P.O. Box DE1 0NQ |
Ma Mother died 2 days before ma 7th birthday in 1969 aged 39, ma Dad passed away when I was 21 in 1984 aged 70.
I have had quite a few friends who have succumbed to this over the past few years. I went into town yesterday, only to be told that another of ma best mates has only got a few months left. 
He won't answer his phone or open the door to anyone.
Sorry for putting every one on a downer,but I'm at a loss as to what to do.... |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Sorry to hear about your mate Ace. I’ve lost quite a few people who were close to me to it, but also some who have survived it. I guess the best you can do is keep trying to make contact. Wishing you and your mate well. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I'm yet to have a blood relative that hasn't succumbed to bloody cancer, in the last 10yrs I have lost my grandad, uncle and my beautiful mum - she died on my wedding day.
Sorry to hear about your circumstances. With regards to your friend maybe pop a letter through the door doesn't have to be deep and meaningful just offering support practical/emotional with your contact number - though they probably already have it. I hope you manage to make contact. |
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By *ce Winger OP Man
over a year ago
P.O. Box DE1 0NQ |
"Put a note through his door to tell him that you will be there when he wants to talk to you.
Then go and get on with life.
"
I think that is what I plan to do. We both worked away and shared rooms for a few years.
We went biking all round Europe with 2 other mates back in the early 90's.
I know he obviously has his reasons for not wanting to speak to anyone, but I still feel very sad. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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My mam died of cancer on new year's day 2016. My two children and me were with her at the care home. When we left one of the carer's was just starting work. She cried when i told her that my mam had died that morning.My nana also died of cancer in 1984.l remember when she was still at home my nans two sister's came to see her.she went into hospital and died the next day. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Put a note through his door to tell him that you will be there when he wants to talk to you.
Then go and get on with life.
"
Exactly this.
You must respect how your friend feels he must deal with this,no matter how hard it is for you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Put a note through his door to tell him that you will be there when he wants to talk to you.
Then go and get on with life.
I think that is what I plan to do. We both worked away and shared rooms for a few years.
We went biking all round Europe with 2 other mates back in the early 90's.
I know he obviously has his reasons for not wanting to speak to anyone, but I still feel very sad."
But, you have priceless memories!
He obviously needs to come to terms with this himself first before he can face you. Give him time, he's in shock.
The note or card through the door is a brilliant idea.
Maybe use the time to read up about his type of cancer and how best to support him while you wait  |
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By *amissCouple
over a year ago
chelmsford |
So sorry Ace to hear about your friend. Have had contact with cancer sufferers and am supporting a close relative with terminal cancer, at the moment. People obviously react differently when they get this devastating news. Good advise on here. Pop a note through his door and hopefully he will contact you soon. Good luck.xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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It may be as much a shock to your mate as it is. And im sorry for your own losses too.
Everyone processes stuff like this in their own way some hit the bucket list others hide from the world and just about every variation in between.
If your mate won't talk you can't force it. All you can do is let him know you are there and ready to help in any way you can or more importantly any way he is prepared to accept and then just be around if they contact you. Apart from that just do what you always do and let the rest take care of itself.
He will get through it.
I wish you and your friend peace and the best of luck.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I lost my brother to cancer two weeks ago. When he got his initial diagnosis, he was like your friend, but I spoke to his wife, and told her that when he wanted or needed me, I'd be there for him. He needed time to sort out all the emotions, and prepare himself for the treatments and surgery. He called me when he was ready, and I was a sounding board and punch bag for him when he needed it.
He had the treatment, and all looked good, but three months ago, they discovered it in his liver and pancreas. He called me straightaway, because he knew I was there to give him what support I could. We saw each other, or spoke every day, and made the most of those three months.
His last words to me were "Thank you". I will miss him, and think of him, every day for the rest of my life, and I do it in the knowledge that even just the listening to his anger, sadness, humour, and love for those around him made his illness a little easier to bear.
Be there if and when your friend needs you. Treasure every moment, and every memory. |
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By *amissCouple
over a year ago
chelmsford |
"I lost my brother to cancer two weeks ago. When he got his initial diagnosis, he was like your friend, but I spoke to his wife, and told her that when he wanted or needed me, I'd be there for him. He needed time to sort out all the emotions, and prepare himself for the treatments and surgery. He called me when he was ready, and I was a sounding board and punch bag for him when he needed it.
He had the treatment, and all looked good, but three months ago, they discovered it in his liver and pancreas. He called me straightaway, because he knew I was there to give him what support I could. We saw each other, or spoke every day, and made the most of those three months.
His last words to me were "Thank you". I will miss him, and think of him, every day for the rest of my life, and I do it in the knowledge that even just the listening to his anger, sadness, humour, and love for those around him made his illness a little easier to bear.
Be there if and when your friend needs you. Treasure every moment, and every memory."
So sorry to hear of your loss and it was great you had that time together. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I lost my brother to cancer two weeks ago. When he got his initial diagnosis, he was like your friend, but I spoke to his wife, and told her that when he wanted or needed me, I'd be there for him. He needed time to sort out all the emotions, and prepare himself for the treatments and surgery. He called me when he was ready, and I was a sounding board and punch bag for him when he needed it.
He had the treatment, and all looked good, but three months ago, they discovered it in his liver and pancreas. He called me straightaway, because he knew I was there to give him what support I could. We saw each other, or spoke every day, and made the most of those three months.
His last words to me were "Thank you". I will miss him, and think of him, every day for the rest of my life, and I do it in the knowledge that even just the listening to his anger, sadness, humour, and love for those around him made his illness a little easier to bear.
Be there if and when your friend needs you. Treasure every moment, and every memory.
So sorry to hear of your loss and it was great you had that time together."
Thank you. I hope my post can help the OP, or anyone else who is facing this. |
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By *amissCouple
over a year ago
chelmsford |
"I lost my brother to cancer two weeks ago. When he got his initial diagnosis, he was like your friend, but I spoke to his wife, and told her that when he wanted or needed me, I'd be there for him. He needed time to sort out all the emotions, and prepare himself for the treatments and surgery. He called me when he was ready, and I was a sounding board and punch bag for him when he needed it.
He had the treatment, and all looked good, but three months ago, they discovered it in his liver and pancreas. He called me straightaway, because he knew I was there to give him what support I could. We saw each other, or spoke every day, and made the most of those three months.
His last words to me were "Thank you". I will miss him, and think of him, every day for the rest of my life, and I do it in the knowledge that even just the listening to his anger, sadness, humour, and love for those around him made his illness a little easier to bear.
Be there if and when your friend needs you. Treasure every moment, and every memory.
So sorry to hear of your loss and it was great you had that time together.
Thank you. I hope my post can help the OP, or anyone else who is facing this."
I'm sure it will help, very much. It resonates with me, as my sister in law has terminal cancer. She, understandably withdrew initially, but she eventually accepted it and is now 5 years down the line and having treatment still. She is now part of a forum helping and advising others with the same cancer. I go to Royal Marsden hospital in London with her and there are some very positive cancer patients there. Makes you count your blessings  |
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"Ma Mother died 2 days before ma 7th birthday in 1969 aged 39, ma Dad passed away when I was 21 in 1984 aged 70.
I have had quite a few friends who have succumbed to this over the past few years. I went into town yesterday, only to be told that another of ma best mates has only got a few months left.
He won't answer his phone or open the door to anyone.
Sorry for putting every one on a downer,but I'm at a loss as to what to do...."
I understand how you're feeling.
My dad died of pancreatic cancer when I was 48. I didn't realise until then how aggressive pancreatic cancer was, but he had a good innings as they say.
A close friend and I were set to retire at the same time but she stayed on an additional year as her house in Barbados wasn't completed yet and her daughter still relied on her for childcare. Her daughter arranged after school care, house completed, she retired in December and was due to fly out to check the house in January. Boxing day her daughter noticed her eyes were yellow. The following day she got an emergency appointment and was sent to hospital straight away. She was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer.
She was more than a colleauge, she was a friend. She's answered just one of my calls. She sounds angry and bitter and I can't fault her for that. It's unlikely she'll ever see her new home or the end of this year.
Life really isn't fair. |
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By *amissCouple
over a year ago
chelmsford |
"Ma Mother died 2 days before ma 7th birthday in 1969 aged 39, ma Dad passed away when I was 21 in 1984 aged 70.
I have had quite a few friends who have succumbed to this over the past few years. I went into town yesterday, only to be told that another of ma best mates has only got a few months left.
He won't answer his phone or open the door to anyone.
Sorry for putting every one on a downer,but I'm at a loss as to what to do....
I understand how you're feeling.
My dad died of pancreatic cancer when I was 48. I didn't realise until then how aggressive pancreatic cancer was, but he had a good innings as they say.
A close friend and I were set to retire at the same time but she stayed on an additional year as her house in Barbados wasn't completed yet and her daughter still relied on her for childcare. Her daughter arranged after school care, house completed, she retired in December and was due to fly out to check the house in January. Boxing day her daughter noticed her eyes were yellow. The following day she got an emergency appointment and was sent to hospital straight away. She was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer.
She was more than a colleauge, she was a friend. She's answered just one of my calls. She sounds angry and bitter and I can't fault her for that. It's unlikely she'll ever see her new home or the end of this year.
Life really isn't fair."
So sorry to hear this too. Yes you can understand the anger and bitterness, can't you. She knows you're there...best wishes to you both.x |
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By *uxom redCouple
over a year ago
Shrewsbury |
"Ma Mother died 2 days before ma 7th birthday in 1969 aged 39, ma Dad passed away when I was 21 in 1984 aged 70.
I have had quite a few friends who have succumbed to this over the past few years. I went into town yesterday, only to be told that another of ma best mates has only got a few months left.
He won't answer his phone or open the door to anyone.
Sorry for putting every one on a downer,but I'm at a loss as to what to do...."
I can honestly say that having cancer really does suck, sometimes even your closest friends although trying to make you feel better don't.
The oh I'm so sorry for you or even that look of sympathy on their face makes you want to hide away until you yourself have accepted what life has thrown at you. Then you can move on in what ever way you can.
As suggested before a note through the door saying 'here for you ' then leave it up to them.
For me having cancer was bad enough but well meaning friends at the beginning made it harder.
When they are ready treat them like you always do don't change the way your with them because of the cancer, many people do your not you anymore you are the cancer if that makes sense.
People don't see past the cancer word at times but your still the same person you always were just ill.
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By *amissCouple
over a year ago
chelmsford |
"Ma Mother died 2 days before ma 7th birthday in 1969 aged 39, ma Dad passed away when I was 21 in 1984 aged 70.
I have had quite a few friends who have succumbed to this over the past few years. I went into town yesterday, only to be told that another of ma best mates has only got a few months left.
He won't answer his phone or open the door to anyone.
Sorry for putting every one on a downer,but I'm at a loss as to what to do....
I can honestly say that having cancer really does suck, sometimes even your closest friends although trying to make you feel better don't.
The oh I'm so sorry for you or even that look of sympathy on their face makes you want to hide away until you yourself have accepted what life has thrown at you. Then you can move on in what ever way you can.
As suggested before a note through the door saying 'here for you ' then leave it up to them.
For me having cancer was bad enough but well meaning friends at the beginning made it harder.
When they are ready treat them like you always do don't change the way your with them because of the cancer, many people do your not you anymore you are the cancer if that makes sense.
People don't see past the cancer word at times but your still the same person you always were just ill.
"
Agree with all of this! The person with cancer wants to be treated the same as always. I've never been false with my sister in law, I just tell her, we'll deal with each scan result as we get it and I would never give her false hope, she would hate it. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’ve lost quite a few members of my family to cancer too. Aunts, cousins etc. My sister had breast cancer last year but has managed to beat it which is brill.
Ace, if your friend has only recently been told his news then maybe he needs a bit of space to come to terms with it. If time goes on tho and nobody has heard from him I’d be calling the police to put his door in to make sure he hasn’t harmed himself. Send him a text or leave a note just letting him know you’re there for him as and when he needs you. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I knew this thread was gonna make me cry.
However. Deep Breath.
I lost my mother to breast cancer when I was 6.
I was adopted by my mums sister and her husband. My Dad  .
I lost him on 15th November to pancreatic cancer.
It's such a cruel disease.
My dad pretty much stopped seeing his friends overnight, he just couldn't deal with it.
I am sorry for you Ace, I know you are a lovely man, and it. just. plain. sucks.
I just had a close friend diagnosed with a brain tumour too and although she had it removed it's still by no means promised.
I sometimes feel like I am surrounded by it.
And I think we owe it to ourselves to try and live our own lives well, for tomorrow is not promised.
Sending the biggest of hugs, and also, have you realised that Macmillan have support available for friends as well as relatives and sufferers xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I knew this thread was gonna make me cry.
However. Deep Breath.
I lost my mother to breast cancer when I was 6.
I was adopted by my mums sister and her husband. My Dad .
I lost him on 15th November to pancreatic cancer.
It's such a cruel disease.
My dad pretty much stopped seeing his friends overnight, he just couldn't deal with it.
I am sorry for you Ace, I know you are a lovely man, and it. just. plain. sucks.
I just had a close friend diagnosed with a brain tumour too and although she had it removed it's still by no means promised.
I sometimes feel like I am surrounded by it.
And I think we owe it to ourselves to try and live our own lives well, for tomorrow is not promised.
Sending the biggest of hugs, and also, have you realised that Macmillan have support available for friends as well as relatives and sufferers xx"
^ This. |
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"Ma Mother died 2 days before ma 7th birthday in 1969 aged 39, ma Dad passed away when I was 21 in 1984 aged 70.
I have had quite a few friends who have succumbed to this over the past few years. I went into town yesterday, only to be told that another of ma best mates has only got a few months left.
He won't answer his phone or open the door to anyone.
Sorry for putting every one on a downer,but I'm at a loss as to what to do....
I can honestly say that having cancer really does suck, sometimes even your closest friends although trying to make you feel better don't.
The oh I'm so sorry for you or even that look of sympathy on their face makes you want to hide away until you yourself have accepted what life has thrown at you. Then you can move on in what ever way you can.
As suggested before a note through the door saying 'here for you ' then leave it up to them.
For me having cancer was bad enough but well meaning friends at the beginning made it harder.
When they are ready treat them like you always do don't change the way your with them because of the cancer, many people do your not you anymore you are the cancer if that makes sense.
People don't see past the cancer word at times but your still the same person you always were just ill.
"
One of the reasons Ive waited for her to contact me and not push is knowing how I felt when my infant son died. I don't know what was worse, the constant I'm so sorry, the tears meaning I felt obliged to comfort the, or people crossing the road to avoid me. |
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By *amissCouple
over a year ago
chelmsford |
"Ma Mother died 2 days before ma 7th birthday in 1969 aged 39, ma Dad passed away when I was 21 in 1984 aged 70.
I have had quite a few friends who have succumbed to this over the past few years. I went into town yesterday, only to be told that another of ma best mates has only got a few months left.
He won't answer his phone or open the door to anyone.
Sorry for putting every one on a downer,but I'm at a loss as to what to do....
I can honestly say that having cancer really does suck, sometimes even your closest friends although trying to make you feel better don't.
The oh I'm so sorry for you or even that look of sympathy on their face makes you want to hide away until you yourself have accepted what life has thrown at you. Then you can move on in what ever way you can.
As suggested before a note through the door saying 'here for you ' then leave it up to them.
For me having cancer was bad enough but well meaning friends at the beginning made it harder.
When they are ready treat them like you always do don't change the way your with them because of the cancer, many people do your not you anymore you are the cancer if that makes sense.
People don't see past the cancer word at times but your still the same person you always were just ill.
One of the reasons Ive waited for her to contact me and not push is knowing how I felt when my infant son died. I don't know what was worse, the constant I'm so sorry, the tears meaning I felt obliged to comfort the, or people crossing the road to avoid me. "
Bless you.xx |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I've had several family members die due to cancer
one very close friend and 3years ago my partner not many people will be unaffected by cancer
I'm sad to say
your friend will be trying to come to terms with it himself Ace his head will be full of emotions so leave him messages saying your there for him he will get back to you
hugs xx |
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As you probably know Frank is in remission, but I’ve lost so many family members & a best friend to cancer.
A note through the door or a text, to let him know you’re sorry about his news but when he’s ready to face the world & go for a pint or 2 you’re there, sounds like a good idea. Give him a few days to get his head round it. He’s probably trying to avoid the pitying looks & sad words. Laughter kept us going - otherwise I would’ve been a big crying mess.
B x |
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By *amissCouple
over a year ago
chelmsford |
"As you probably know Frank is in remission, but I’ve lost so many family members & a best friend to cancer.
A note through the door or a text, to let him know you’re sorry about his news but when he’s ready to face the world & go for a pint or 2 you’re there, sounds like a good idea. Give him a few days to get his head round it. He’s probably trying to avoid the pitying looks & sad words. Laughter kept us going - otherwise I would’ve been a big crying mess.
B x"
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By *ce Winger OP Man
over a year ago
P.O. Box DE1 0NQ |
"Put a note through his door to tell him that you will be there when he wants to talk to you.
Then go and get on with life.
I think that is what I plan to do. We both worked away and shared rooms for a few years.
We went biking all round Europe with 2 other mates back in the early 90's.
I know he obviously has his reasons for not wanting to speak to anyone, but I still feel very sad.
But, you have priceless memories!
He obviously needs to come to terms with this himself first before he can face you. Give him time, he's in shock.
The note or card through the door is a brilliant idea.
Maybe use the time to read up about his type of cancer and how best to support him while you wait "
It's been a while since I last saw him, but as I said earlier we were very close for several years. I wish I could support him, but he isn't even letting his brother round to see him. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Put a note through his door to tell him that you will be there when he wants to talk to you.
Then go and get on with life.
I think that is what I plan to do. We both worked away and shared rooms for a few years.
We went biking all round Europe with 2 other mates back in the early 90's.
I know he obviously has his reasons for not wanting to speak to anyone, but I still feel very sad.
But, you have priceless memories!
He obviously needs to come to terms with this himself first before he can face you. Give him time, he's in shock.
The note or card through the door is a brilliant idea.
Maybe use the time to read up about his type of cancer and how best to support him while you wait
It's been a while since I last saw him, but as I said earlier we were very close for several years. I wish I could support him, but he isn't even letting his brother round to see him. "
I'm sure things will change over the next few weeks!
About a year ago I found a lump in one of my testicals. I went from singing in the shower to feeling the colour physically drain from my body and nausea in the blink of an eye. I rang the doc first thing in the morning and told the receptionist who got me in straight away. 48 hours later I was at hospital having a scan, luckily it wasn't cancer but, the shock and fear for 48 hours was all consuming. I can't begin to imagine how your friend feels.
They say you only find a handful of true friends during your lifetime. I've lost most of mine. Car accident, surfing accident, accidental dr*gs overdose, suicide and a couple to cancer. The sudden ones were the worst to come to terms with, the ones I didn't have time to prepare for, have a last pint with or let them know how much they meant to me.
3 months is a long time to be by yourself, scared and not talking to anyone. Put the note through his door and give him time |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"I know what you are saying Mr Sausage, but he has refused more chemotherapy, has had half of his insides removed and is now reliant on colostomy bags  "
I bet lot's of family and friends have criticized his decision to refuse chemo. Sounds like he's fed up of cancer, fed up of life and, fed up of people that perhaps aren't understanding and respecing his choice. I hope you get to see him at some point |
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"Ma Mother died 2 days before ma 7th birthday in 1969 aged 39, ma Dad passed away when I was 21 in 1984 aged 70.
I have had quite a few friends who have succumbed to this over the past few years. I went into town yesterday, only to be told that another of ma best mates has only got a few months left.
He won't answer his phone or open the door to anyone.
Sorry for putting every one on a downer,but I'm at a loss as to what to do...."
He's (understandably) struggling to come to terms with the worst news anyone can imagine, short of hearing the same thing but about your child.
As people have said, the note or letter is a good idea - I would maybe send him such pictures of good times together, and perhaps reminisce about the good times you've shared together.
If and when he's ready, if he's able, try to create some more good memories while you still can.
Sorry to hear your bad news |
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Sorry to hear this
Bloody awful disease,lost my dad to cancer and one of my friends last year passed with pancreatic cancer.
Maybe like Granny said,leave him a note ,so he knows you are there for him.Send him a card or something to cheer him up in the post?.
We all deal with things differently so he maybe just needs space to get his head straight.
Well done on being a good mate ,he's lucky to have you.
Miss |
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Letter through his door seems least invasive,if he doesn't reply then just have to respect his privacy. Like most on this thread I have lost and am losing family and friends to this insidious disease. Feeling your pain. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Oh Ace, my heart goes out to you. I can't imagine the pain of loosing your parents at a young age.
Cancer is a total 'twunt' of a disease that affects so many people.
All you can do with your friend is to keep sending messages, keep ringing, maybe write him a letter. Perhaps he isn't feeling strong enough to face you but would appreciate the fact that you really do care.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Lost my brother to cancer in 2013 4 days before his 48th birthday.
Lost a half brother to liver failure 2 weeks later ( down to his use of drugs in prison)
Then my mother in law in September only 63.
2016 my daughters god mother to it she was only 49.
Numerous work colleges over the years. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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So sorry to hear this mate. My ex wife had bowel cancer 3 years ago. Operation then Chemo. 3 years clear since. Devastated at the time but now shes fit and well.
I hope this is the case for your friend and others. |
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