FabSwingers.com > Forums > The Lounge > Adopted.
Adopted.
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"Personally, I would leave it. " Ok | |||
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"Personally, I would leave it. Ok " I don’t regret knowing who he is. Having a picture. Having knowledge. I think I mostly regret that no matter what. I mean nothing to him | |||
"Personally, I would leave it. Ok I don’t regret knowing who he is. Having a picture. Having knowledge. I think I mostly regret that no matter what. I mean nothing to him " I can’t even imagine how anyone could not care about their children  | |||
"Not the same I know as I’ve always been with my biological Mum but I didn’t know my father at all. No contact and mum was always reluctant with details I hunted him down and contacted my father when I was aged 34 Wish I hadn’t " As I’m ill at the mo I just thought it may help me knowin who I am n where I’m from x | |||
"Let them know where you are, and if they want to get in contact with you in the future, then they will do. " Ok thanks | |||
"I’m not adopted, but it sounds like you need some sort of closure. If you don’t pursue it, do you think you’ll regret it further down the line? " Probably x | |||
"Personally, I would leave it. Ok I don’t regret knowing who he is. Having a picture. Having knowledge. I think I mostly regret that no matter what. I mean nothing to him I can’t even imagine how anyone could not care about their children "He doesn’t care about any of his children. There’s 4 of us. All to different women. All abandoned But we do share some personality traits which disturbs me a little | |||
"I’m not adopted, but it sounds like you need some sort of closure. If you don’t pursue it, do you think you’ll regret it further down the line? Probably x" Then I think you should do it. Make sure you have a good support system and maybe be prepared for a difficult outcome. I really hope it goes well for you! | |||
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"Personally, I would leave it. Ok I don’t regret knowing who he is. Having a picture. Having knowledge. I think I mostly regret that no matter what. I mean nothing to him I can’t even imagine how anyone could not care about their children
He doesn’t care about any of his children. There’s 4 of us. All to different women. All abandoned
But we do share some personality traits which disturbs me a little "Such a common story too. I have so many friends who have an AWOL parent! | |||
"I’m not adopted, but it sounds like you need some sort of closure. If you don’t pursue it, do you think you’ll regret it further down the line? Probably x Then I think you should do it. Make sure you have a good support system and maybe be prepared for a difficult outcome. I really hope it goes well for you!" Seconded. I wish you all the love and luck in the world. Xx | |||
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"I’m not adopted, but it sounds like you need some sort of closure. If you don’t pursue it, do you think you’ll regret it further down the line? Probably x Then I think you should do it. Make sure you have a good support system and maybe be prepared for a difficult outcome. I really hope it goes well for you!" Thank you I’m still not sure what to do yet x | |||
"At times as hard as it is somethings are better left in the past ,good luck whatever you decide " Thank you x | |||
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"I tracked down my birth father. him and his family put me through hell to prove I was his just to treat me like shit afterwards. I wish I hadn't bothered. maybe get an agency to reach out for you to see if they want contact " I’ve been through social services n both parties concerned have seen physiatrist n mental health nursres n been given the go ahead to meet with a social worker but I don’t feel ready yet to meet them in the flesh alone so my social worker will be with me if n when I’m brave enough to make that first meet x | |||
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"I tracked down my birth father. him and his family put me through hell to prove I was his just to treat me like shit afterwards. I wish I hadn't bothered. maybe get an agency to reach out for you to see if they want contact I’ve been through social services n both parties concerned have seen physiatrist n mental health nursres n been given the go ahead to meet with a social worker but I don’t feel ready yet to meet them in the flesh alone so my social worker will be with me if n when I’m brave enough to make that first meet x" what ever you decide, do it at your pace. there is no need to rush best of luck | |||
"Do you know the reasons behind you being given for adoption? I know the reasons behind my daughter's and would advise her not to look for her parents and they weren't nice people." Yes I do and if it was me in their shoes I’d of said they totally took wrong descision | |||
"You’re now an adult and your own person and have coped for all these years without him. Think about what would be in this for you. Opening a closed door might not result in the result you might imagine. Whatever you choose to do, best of luck. I wasn’t adopted but I wasn’t the first born so not the heir, just the spare and that was something I was never made to forget. " If it wasn’t for my illness I wouldn’t of bothered but I need to know things | |||
"I tracked down my birth father. him and his family put me through hell to prove I was his just to treat me like shit afterwards. I wish I hadn't bothered. maybe get an agency to reach out for you to see if they want contact I’ve been through social services n both parties concerned have seen physiatrist n mental health nursres n been given the go ahead to meet with a social worker but I don’t feel ready yet to meet them in the flesh alone so my social worker will be with me if n when I’m brave enough to make that first meet x what ever you decide, do it at your pace. there is no need to rush best of luck" Thank you x | |||
"I tracked down my birth father. him and his family put me through hell to prove I was his just to treat me like shit afterwards. I wish I hadn't bothered. maybe get an agency to reach out for you to see if they want contact I’ve been through social services n both parties concerned have seen physiatrist n mental health nursres n been given the go ahead to meet with a social worker but I don’t feel ready yet to meet them in the flesh alone so my social worker will be with me if n when I’m brave enough to make that first meet x" Totally your decision and you are right in taking your time. If it were me, I would have to know who they were, for some sort of closure. Better to regret what you've done...not what you haven't done.Good luck  | |||
"If it wasn’t for my illness I wouldn’t of bothered but I need to know things " As you never answered my earlier question, is it hereditary? | |||
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"Do you know the reasons behind you being given for adoption? I know the reasons behind my daughter's and would advise her not to look for her parents and they weren't nice people. Yes I do and if it was me in their shoes I’d of said they totally took wrong descision " This can only go one way , and it’s not going to be good . You say they made the wrong decision to have you adopted . It’s a bit late for that now isn’t it ? Pointless to look back and have those kind of feelings really . They will no doubt be pensioners now , and I’m sure they feel bad enough as it is , but not withstanding that , is your illness likely to be made any better by meeting up with a couple of elderly strangers ? Perhaps it is , in which case maybe I’m wrong , but I think it sounds like a pretty bad idea to be honest . | |||
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"Not sure if this is right place to put this out there but here goes ... any else of u fabulous lot adopted n have u met ur biological parents ( sperm donors as I call them ) I know all my biological parents details etc n got loads of paperwork n the full details of my adoption n real name but do I contact them or not? I’m finally in the mindset of wanting to know who I really am n where I come from etc etc , don’t get me wrong I had a amazing upbringing with the most amazing parents who I love to bits but think it’s finally time I found out more about them ...I know they are still togethe n married but do I trybreach our n contact them or not n just leave it? " Contact them, they are your rightfull parents, and a lot of little children are literally legally stolen from their parents to give to middle class people | |||
But just rember adoption is not the same as a donor.
adoption meens thay didn't want or wos un fit for the child in the 1st place.
Donors even thoe thay may not see the child jue to turms and conditions thay still want the child.
So if you really want to no Hoo your real parents are then contact them but remember thay probably didn't want you to start with. So may not want any interest now.
Best of luck op. | |||
"Not sure if this is right place to put this out there but here goes ... any else of u fabulous lot adopted n have u met ur biological parents ( sperm donors as I call them ) I know all my biological parents details etc n got loads of paperwork n the full details of my adoption n real name but do I contact them or not? I’m finally in the mindset of wanting to know who I really am n where I come from etc etc , don’t get me wrong I had a amazing upbringing with the most amazing parents who I love to bits but think it’s finally time I found out more about them ...I know they are still togethe n married but do I trybreach our n contact them or not n just leave it? Contact them, they are your rightfull parents, and a lot of little children are literally legally stolen from their parents to give to middle class people" She doesn't sound like she was stolen  | |||
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"she needs to contact her rightfull parents and hear their story, it might be different to the one given by social services..." Mabey.... social services may give a story wen the truth cood be a nightmare. My Point being you Onley go walking throw a mine fild if your willing to asapt you mite get blown up. | |||
"I've been in your position and had a great upbringing with my adoptive parents (who will always be mum and dad), they always said that they would be happy for me to find my birth parents and gave me all the details of the adoption that they had. I spent many years only half looking as I didn't want to be disloyal.... To cut a long story short,a few years ago I found my birth mother... I was cool about everything and wasn't expecting anything from meeting up but I wish I hadn't... After only a few meetings she rapidly lost interest " At least it's closure for you | |||
"I've been in your position and had a great upbringing with my adoptive parents (who will always be mum and dad), they always said that they would be happy for me to find my birth parents and gave me all the details of the adoption that they had. I spent many years only half looking as I didn't want to be disloyal.... To cut a long story short,a few years ago I found my birth mother... I was cool about everything and wasn't expecting anything from meeting up but I wish I hadn't... After only a few meetings she rapidly lost interest At least it's closure for you "I was always sanguine about it but it still left me with a curious sense of abandonment | |||
"I've been in your position and had a great upbringing with my adoptive parents (who will always be mum and dad), they always said that they would be happy for me to find my birth parents and gave me all the details of the adoption that they had. I spent many years only half looking as I didn't want to be disloyal.... To cut a long story short,a few years ago I found my birth mother... I was cool about everything and wasn't expecting anything from meeting up but I wish I hadn't... After only a few meetings she rapidly lost interest At least it's closure for you
I was always sanguine about it but it still left me with a curious sense of abandonment "Yes, I bet, but as you said, you had a great upbringing | |||
"I've been in your position and had a great upbringing with my adoptive parents (who will always be mum and dad), they always said that they would be happy for me to find my birth parents and gave me all the details of the adoption that they had. I spent many years only half looking as I didn't want to be disloyal.... To cut a long story short,a few years ago I found my birth mother... I was cool about everything and wasn't expecting anything from meeting up but I wish I hadn't... After only a few meetings she rapidly lost interest At least it's closure for you
I was always sanguine about it but it still left me with a curious sense of abandonment
Yes, I bet, but as you said, you had a great upbringing "I most certainly did and the wouldn't change my mum and dad for the world they were awesome people who had four children already but still found more than enough love for me | |||
"I've been in your position and had a great upbringing with my adoptive parents (who will always be mum and dad), they always said that they would be happy for me to find my birth parents and gave me all the details of the adoption that they had. I spent many years only half looking as I didn't want to be disloyal.... To cut a long story short,a few years ago I found my birth mother... I was cool about everything and wasn't expecting anything from meeting up but I wish I hadn't... After only a few meetings she rapidly lost interest At least it's closure for you
I was always sanguine about it but it still left me with a curious sense of abandonment
Yes, I bet, but as you said, you had a great upbringing
I most certainly did and the wouldn't change my mum and dad for the world they were awesome people who had four children already but still found more than enough love for me "Sounds great, there are some lovely people around | |||
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"Not sure if this is right place to put this out there but here goes ... any else of u fabulous lot adopted n have u met ur biological parents ( sperm donors as I call them ) I know all my biological parents details etc n got loads of paperwork n the full details of my adoption n real name but do I contact them or not? I’m finally in the mindset of wanting to know who I really am n where I come from etc etc , don’t get me wrong I had a amazing upbringing with the most amazing parents who I love to bits but think it’s finally time I found out more about them ...I know they are still togethe n married but do I trybreach our n contact them or not n just leave it? " My daughter searched for her father and found him. Hes married with two children. The first meet went great but he didnt tell his wife so when she found out she made bim choose. He choose his family and again abandoned my daughter. This traumatised her and she was heartbroken. She has never seen him since. Shes now martied eith two children his loss. So please think very carefully. I asked him to think before he decided to see her and said if you csnt promise her a relationship with you dnt do it. He said He could but his wife said differently. But whatever you choose to do. Good luck OP | |||
"Only other adopted people will truly be able to understand the thoughts and feelings you carry with you throughout your life as an adopted person. If you haven't been through it, you will never totally understand. The only people that can answer your questions are your birth parents. It's difficult going through life believing you are a loveable person when, the two people in the world that should love you unconditionally, give you away as a baby. It caused me a lot of problems as a teen-ager and as I got older I blocked it as best I could, there's no escaping birthdays though! When I had my own children, I started to think about it more and more. When I held my first baby in my arms, one of the first thoughts I had as I held him to me was, how? How could anyone feel so unattached or so desperate that they could give up something so beautiful and precious. I new I would only ever truly understand if I made contact with my own birth parents. Like you, I had amazing adopted parents and an amazing childhood but, a big hole that I could never fill. I was scared of doing anything about it, I was worried about hurting my adopted parents. They have stood by me through thick and thin (there was a lot of thin when I was younger) and had loved me and supported me when I really didn't deserve to be loved and supported. I felt that by telling them I wanted to trace my birth parents I would be telling them that everything they had ever done for me, just wasn't quite good enough! As my second child came into the world and I watched them grow, I finally plucked up the courage to start looking and I approached an agency that specialises in reuniting people with their birth parents. I had to go for counseling as part of the process and was then assigned to a lovely lady that would be my caseworker and cheif professional hand holder throughout the whole journey. She gave me the confidence to approach my mum and dad who were brilliant about the whole thing and, dug out all the paperwork they could find for me to hand over to my caseworker. Within 3 days she was back in touch to tell me she had traced my birth mother and, did I want her to write to her and try and make contact. I can't describe the feelings of fear and excitement, they were as intense as I had ever felt plus some! I also had to deal with the feelings of loss at the same time. She had also traced my birth father but, he had passed away a few years back. The feelings of regret that I had left it to late are very difficult, even now! My caseworker informed me that she had found out that on my fathers side I had two siblings and that she would approach them for me if I liked. A week later, my caseworker called me to let me know that my birth mother had been in touch and was happy to meet me. I can't remember much about the conversation as I broke down in tears. I can't describe the feelings or the emotions that came pouring out. Happiness, anger, fear, relief, you name it, it all came out. Silly self doubts fill your head, what if she doesn't like me, what if I don't like her, all sorts of things fill your head. It's like the sadness I felt at 20 when my lifelong best friend died in an accident and, the joy of holding my children for the first time all mixed together. I met up with my mother and her husband and it was great, I then went on to meet three siblings on my mother's side and remarkably, my grandfather who was still alive. On my fathers side, I have met one of my siblings and their mother. Unfortunately, the other one had also passed away not long after my father. Everything went well to start with but over time we have drifted apart. I still keep in touch with my father's side and meet with my brother for a pint and, we visit his mum together so that's cool! Even though things didn't work out the way myself and, probably my mum would have liked, I have no regrets in doing this. It would have been nice if we had all got on but I do have all the answers I need to make myself as whole as I know I'll ever be. My biggest regret is that I didn't do it sooner... I would have loved to have met my dad and my other half sister! I have an adopted sister. We have spoken about my experience and she knows she has everyone's support but, she has decided she doesn't want to go looking. We are all different! If you have questions that you need answers too, if you have feelings you struggle with at times, the only way to put them to rest is to go looking. What you find, you may not like. Don't go into it with unrealistic expectations of it being happy family's. There is varying degrees of sadness and unpleasantness behind every adoption but, what you will find is the truth. The truth can be, not nice sometimes but,I would rather live with the truth than the lies or, the not knowing or, the silly stuff ones imagination makes up at times. If you do decide to look, make sure you go through the proper channels, make sure you use the counceling that is on offer and, make sure you have support at home. If you decide not to look, be 100% sure you won't regret it later. Once it is to late, it really is to late. Having experience of both, I assure you that for me personally, having left it to late is the worst one to live with. I personally think it's a good thing to do, it's a tough one. I wish you all the best what ever you decide to do and, hope it works out well for you "Thankyou for sharing. | |||
"I'd say if you realey want to no them then contact them. I hope this don't afend or upset you. It's not ment to anyway.
But just rember adoption is not the same as a donor.
adoption meens thay didn't want or wos un fit for the child in the 1st place.
Donors even thoe thay may not see the child jue to turms and conditions thay still want the child.
So if you really want to no Hoo your real parents are then contact them but remember thay probably didn't want you to start with. So may not want any interest now.
Best of luck op."Her 'real' parents are the people who have loved and cared for her since they adopted her. There's the 'birth' parents and then there's the 'real' parents. | |||
"Not sure if this is right place to put this out there but here goes ... any else of u fabulous lot adopted n have u met ur biological parents ( sperm donors as I call them ) I know all my biological parents details etc n got loads of paperwork n the full details of my adoption n real name but do I contact them or not? I’m finally in the mindset of wanting to know who I really am n where I come from etc etc , don’t get me wrong I had a amazing upbringing with the most amazing parents who I love to bits but think it’s finally time I found out more about them ...I know they are still togethe n married but do I trybreach our n contact them or not n just leave it? Contact them, they are your rightfull parents, and a lot of little children are literally legally stolen from their parents to give to middle class people" Just because someone had sex and gave birth doesn't make them the rightful parents,far from it infact. | |||
"Not sure if this is right place to put this out there but here goes ... any else of u fabulous lot adopted n have u met ur biological parents ( sperm donors as I call them ) I know all my biological parents details etc n got loads of paperwork n the full details of my adoption n real name but do I contact them or not? I’m finally in the mindset of wanting to know who I really am n where I come from etc etc , don’t get me wrong I had a amazing upbringing with the most amazing parents who I love to bits but think it’s finally time I found out more about them ...I know they are still togethe n married but do I trybreach our n contact them or not n just leave it? Contact them, they are your rightfull parents, and a lot of little children are literally legally stolen from their parents to give to middle class people Just because someone had sex and gave birth doesn't make them the rightful parents,far from it infact." Agreed. I first met my biological dad when I was 18. Never again The man who brought me up with my mum is my true dad, not the sperm donor | |||
"Not sure if this is right place to put this out there but here goes ... any else of u fabulous lot adopted n have u met ur biological parents ( sperm donors as I call them ) I know all my biological parents details etc n got loads of paperwork n the full details of my adoption n real name but do I contact them or not? I’m finally in the mindset of wanting to know who I really am n where I come from etc etc , don’t get me wrong I had a amazing upbringing with the most amazing parents who I love to bits but think it’s finally time I found out more about them ...I know they are still togethe n married but do I trybreach our n contact them or not n just leave it? Contact them, they are your rightfull parents, and a lot of little children are literally legally stolen from their parents to give to middle class people Just because someone had sex and gave birth doesn't make them the rightful parents,far from it infact. Agreed. I first met my biological dad when I was 18. Never again The man who brought me up with my mum is my true dad, not the sperm donor" Some people don't deserve to be called mum and dad just because they conceived you do they. | |||
"Not sure if this is right place to put this out there but here goes ... any else of u fabulous lot adopted n have u met ur biological parents ( sperm donors as I call them ) I know all my biological parents details etc n got loads of paperwork n the full details of my adoption n real name but do I contact them or not? I’m finally in the mindset of wanting to know who I really am n where I come from etc etc , don’t get me wrong I had a amazing upbringing with the most amazing parents who I love to bits but think it’s finally time I found out more about them ...I know they are still togethe n married but do I trybreach our n contact them or not n just leave it? Contact them, they are your rightfull parents, and a lot of little children are literally legally stolen from their parents to give to middle class people Just because someone had sex and gave birth doesn't make them the rightful parents,far from it infact. Agreed. I first met my biological dad when I was 18. Never again The man who brought me up with my mum is my true dad, not the sperm donor Some people don't deserve to be called mum and dad just because they conceived you do they." Nope, not one bit. The next time I see my “dad” will be at his funeral, purely just to make sure he’s dead | |||
"I'd say if you realey want to no them then contact them. I hope this don't afend or upset you. It's not ment to anyway.
But just rember adoption is not the same as a donor.
adoption meens thay didn't want or wos un fit for the child in the 1st place.
Donors even thoe thay may not see the child jue to turms and conditions thay still want the child.
So if you really want to no Hoo your real parents are then contact them but remember thay probably didn't want you to start with. So may not want any interest now.
Best of luck op.
Her 'real' parents are the people who have loved and cared for her since they adopted her. There's the 'birth' parents and then there's the 'real' parents."You no wot i meen thos don't you ? | |||
"I'd say if you realey want to no them then contact them. I hope this don't afend or upset you. It's not ment to anyway.
But just rember adoption is not the same as a donor.
adoption meens thay didn't want or wos un fit for the child in the 1st place.
Donors even thoe thay may not see the child jue to turms and conditions thay still want the child.
So if you really want to no Hoo your real parents are then contact them but remember thay probably didn't want you to start with. So may not want any interest now.
Best of luck op.
Her 'real' parents are the people who have loved and cared for her since they adopted her. There's the 'birth' parents and then there's the 'real' parents.
You no wot i meen thos don't you ?"Yes I do,I'm just stating the real parents will be the one's that brought her up. | |||
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"It's a bug bare of mine the term 'real parents'." It was a pleasure to share and all your other comments have been spot on. It's a difficult decision to make and, important that the op makes the right one for her. Even if things don't go to plan and turn out the way we want. Haven't even all the disappointed people got what they really went looking for... which is the truth and closure! Definitive answers to a lot of those burning questions. I think she answered her own question about whether she should do it when further up the thread she said " there are things I need to know"! I hope she finds the courage and support she needs to get those answers that she needs and, that however it turns out, it helps her to be happy with herself and to move forwards with out so many of the what could've or what should've beens! It makes a difference, looking into another human beings face that you are actually related to and finally knowing why...even if it's just the once! | |||
"I'd say if you realey want to no them then contact them. I hope this don't afend or upset you. It's not ment to anyway.
But just rember adoption is not the same as a donor.
adoption meens thay didn't want or wos un fit for the child in the 1st place.
Donors even thoe thay may not see the child jue to turms and conditions thay still want the child.
So if you really want to no Hoo your real parents are then contact them but remember thay probably didn't want you to start with. So may not want any interest now.
Best of luck op.
Her 'real' parents are the people who have loved and cared for her since they adopted her. There's the 'birth' parents and then there's the 'real' parents.
You no wot i meen thos don't you ?
Yes I do,I'm just stating the real parents will be the one's that brought her up." | |||
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"Let them know where you are, and if they want to get in contact with you in the future, then they will do. " | |||
"Personally, I would leave it. Ok I don’t regret knowing who he is. Having a picture. Having knowledge. I think I mostly regret that no matter what. I mean nothing to him " I lived with both my parents and my sisters and I never felt loved. My sister sent me a photo of her daughter winning a gold medal at her sports day over the weekend. I said to my sister the picture was bittersweet, she said me too. The reason? My neice was brimming with happiness and joy...a look we never had...my sister adopted her in Brazil seven years ago. We were sad for our young selves whilst happy our kids never felt they weren't number one we still haven't healed from neglect even though our parents are long dead. We're 51 and 57 respectively. | |||
"Only other adopted people will truly be able to understand the thoughts and feelings you carry with you throughout your life as an adopted person. If you haven't been through it, you will never totally understand. The only people that can answer your questions are your birth parents. It's difficult going through life believing you are a loveable person when, the two people in the world that should love you unconditionally, give you away as a baby. It caused me a lot of problems as a teen-ager and as I got older I blocked it as best I could, there's no escaping birthdays though! When I had my own children, I started to think about it more and more. When I held my first baby in my arms, one of the first thoughts I had as I held him to me was, how? How could anyone feel so unattached or so desperate that they could give up something so beautiful and precious. I new I would only ever truly understand if I made contact with my own birth parents. Like you, I had amazing adopted parents and an amazing childhood but, a big hole that I could never fill. I was scared of doing anything about it, I was worried about hurting my adopted parents. They have stood by me through thick and thin (there was a lot of thin when I was younger) and had loved me and supported me when I really didn't deserve to be loved and supported. I felt that by telling them I wanted to trace my birth parents I would be telling them that everything they had ever done for me, just wasn't quite good enough! As my second child came into the world and I watched them grow, I finally plucked up the courage to start looking and I approached an agency that specialises in reuniting people with their birth parents. I had to go for counseling as part of the process and was then assigned to a lovely lady that would be my caseworker and cheif professional hand holder throughout the whole journey. She gave me the confidence to approach my mum and dad who were brilliant about the whole thing and, dug out all the paperwork they could find for me to hand over to my caseworker. Within 3 days she was back in touch to tell me she had traced my birth mother and, did I want her to write to her and try and make contact. I can't describe the feelings of fear and excitement, they were as intense as I had ever felt plus some! I also had to deal with the feelings of loss at the same time. She had also traced my birth father but, he had passed away a few years back. The feelings of regret that I had left it to late are very difficult, even now! My caseworker informed me that she had found out that on my fathers side I had two siblings and that she would approach them for me if I liked. A week later, my caseworker called me to let me know that my birth mother had been in touch and was happy to meet me. I can't remember much about the conversation as I broke down in tears. I can't describe the feelings or the emotions that came pouring out. Happiness, anger, fear, relief, you name it, it all came out. Silly self doubts fill your head, what if she doesn't like me, what if I don't like her, all sorts of things fill your head. It's like the sadness I felt at 20 when my lifelong best friend died in an accident and, the joy of holding my children for the first time all mixed together. I met up with my mother and her husband and it was great, I then went on to meet three siblings on my mother's side and remarkably, my grandfather who was still alive. On my fathers side, I have met one of my siblings and their mother. Unfortunately, the other one had also passed away not long after my father. Everything went well to start with but over time we have drifted apart. I still keep in touch with my father's side and meet with my brother for a pint and, we visit his mum together so that's cool! Even though things didn't work out the way myself and, probably my mum would have liked, I have no regrets in doing this. It would have been nice if we had all got on but I do have all the answers I need to make myself as whole as I know I'll ever be. My biggest regret is that I didn't do it sooner... I would have loved to have met my dad and my other half sister! I have an adopted sister. We have spoken about my experience and she knows she has everyone's support but, she has decided she doesn't want to go looking. We are all different! If you have questions that you need answers too, if you have feelings you struggle with at times, the only way to put them to rest is to go looking. What you find, you may not like. Don't go into it with unrealistic expectations of it being happy family's. There is varying degrees of sadness and unpleasantness behind every adoption but, what you will find is the truth. The truth can be, not nice sometimes but,I would rather live with the truth than the lies or, the not knowing or, the silly stuff ones imagination makes up at times. If you do decide to look, make sure you go through the proper channels, make sure you use the counceling that is on offer and, make sure you have support at home. If you decide not to look, be 100% sure you won't regret it later. Once it is to late, it really is to late. Having experience of both, I assure you that for me personally, having left it to late is the worst one to live with. I personally think it's a good thing to do, it's a tough one. I wish you all the best what ever you decide to do and, hope it works out well for you "I have just read this with my 2 little ones cuddling into me and it brought tears to my eyes. | |||
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"My daughter is not my biological daughter I got with her Mum when she was pregnant with her. The dad wanted nothing to do with her. In my eyes she was the most amazing little person I’d ever seen, and knew I’d protect her for the rest of my life. About a year and a half ago my ex decided to tell her I’m not her biological father. (I wanted to tell her years ago when she first asked why her and my son have different surnames). Which very much upset my daughter (she hasn’t been the same since). I’ve told her so many times I don’t care who donated their sperm she’s my little girl. I’ve told her if she wants to meet her biodad I’d support her no matter what. OP if you feel the need to meet your bio parents then that’s up to you the only advice I can give is they might not be pleased with the baby they gave up coming back to them. Also ensure your real parents (adoptive parents) understand why you’re doing it and that you still love them no matter what. Wishing you all the best luck OP and we’re here if you need someone to talk to Ads" Do you mind me asking how old your daughter was when her mum told her that. If she had grown up with that knowledge then it wouldn't be as hard for her to take in. | |||
"You’re now an adult and your own person and have coped for all these years without him. Think about what would be in this for you. Opening a closed door might not result in the result you might imagine. Whatever you choose to do, best of luck. I wasn’t adopted but I wasn’t the first born so not the heir, just the spare and that was something I was never made to forget. " Oh Steve | |||
"Only other adopted people will truly be able to understand the thoughts and feelings you carry with you throughout your life as an adopted person. If you haven't been through it, you will never totally understand. The only people that can answer your questions are your birth parents. It's difficult going through life believing you are a loveable person when, the two people in the world that should love you unconditionally, give you away as a baby. It caused me a lot of problems as a teen-ager and as I got older I blocked it as best I could, there's no escaping birthdays though! When I had my own children, I started to think about it more and more. When I held my first baby in my arms, one of the first thoughts I had as I held him to me was, how? How could anyone feel so unattached or so desperate that they could give up something so beautiful and precious. I new I would only ever truly understand if I made contact with my own birth parents. Like you, I had amazing adopted parents and an amazing childhood but, a big hole that I could never fill. I was scared of doing anything about it, I was worried about hurting my adopted parents. They have stood by me through thick and thin (there was a lot of thin when I was younger) and had loved me and supported me when I really didn't deserve to be loved and supported. I felt that by telling them I wanted to trace my birth parents I would be telling them that everything they had ever done for me, just wasn't quite good enough! As my second child came into the world and I watched them grow, I finally plucked up the courage to start looking and I approached an agency that specialises in reuniting people with their birth parents. I had to go for counseling as part of the process and was then assigned to a lovely lady that would be my caseworker and cheif professional hand holder throughout the whole journey. She gave me the confidence to approach my mum and dad who were brilliant about the whole thing and, dug out all the paperwork they could find for me to hand over to my caseworker. Within 3 days she was back in touch to tell me she had traced my birth mother and, did I want her to write to her and try and make contact. I can't describe the feelings of fear and excitement, they were as intense as I had ever felt plus some! I also had to deal with the feelings of loss at the same time. She had also traced my birth father but, he had passed away a few years back. The feelings of regret that I had left it to late are very difficult, even now! My caseworker informed me that she had found out that on my fathers side I had two siblings and that she would approach them for me if I liked. A week later, my caseworker called me to let me know that my birth mother had been in touch and was happy to meet me. I can't remember much about the conversation as I broke down in tears. I can't describe the feelings or the emotions that came pouring out. Happiness, anger, fear, relief, you name it, it all came out. Silly self doubts fill your head, what if she doesn't like me, what if I don't like her, all sorts of things fill your head. It's like the sadness I felt at 20 when my lifelong best friend died in an accident and, the joy of holding my children for the first time all mixed together. I met up with my mother and her husband and it was great, I then went on to meet three siblings on my mother's side and remarkably, my grandfather who was still alive. On my fathers side, I have met one of my siblings and their mother. Unfortunately, the other one had also passed away not long after my father. Everything went well to start with but over time we have drifted apart. I still keep in touch with my father's side and meet with my brother for a pint and, we visit his mum together so that's cool! Even though things didn't work out the way myself and, probably my mum would have liked, I have no regrets in doing this. It would have been nice if we had all got on but I do have all the answers I need to make myself as whole as I know I'll ever be. My biggest regret is that I didn't do it sooner... I would have loved to have met my dad and my other half sister! I have an adopted sister. We have spoken about my experience and she knows she has everyone's support but, she has decided she doesn't want to go looking. We are all different! If you have questions that you need answers too, if you have feelings you struggle with at times, the only way to put them to rest is to go looking. What you find, you may not like. Don't go into it with unrealistic expectations of it being happy family's. There is varying degrees of sadness and unpleasantness behind every adoption but, what you will find is the truth. The truth can be, not nice sometimes but,I would rather live with the truth than the lies or, the not knowing or, the silly stuff ones imagination makes up at times. If you do decide to look, make sure you go through the proper channels, make sure you use the counceling that is on offer and, make sure you have support at home. If you decide not to look, be 100% sure you won't regret it later. Once it is to late, it really is to late. Having experience of both, I assure you that for me personally, having left it to late is the worst one to live with. I personally think it's a good thing to do, it's a tough one. I wish you all the best what ever you decide to do and, hope it works out well for you
I have just read this with my 2 little ones cuddling into me and it brought tears to my eyes. "Sorry! | |||
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"My daughter is not my biological daughter I got with her Mum when she was pregnant with her. The dad wanted nothing to do with her. In my eyes she was the most amazing little person I’d ever seen, and knew I’d protect her for the rest of my life. About a year and a half ago my ex decided to tell her I’m not her biological father. (I wanted to tell her years ago when she first asked why her and my son have different surnames). Which very much upset my daughter (she hasn’t been the same since). I’ve told her so many times I don’t care who donated their sperm she’s my little girl. I’ve told her if she wants to meet her biodad I’d support her no matter what. OP if you feel the need to meet your bio parents then that’s up to you the only advice I can give is they might not be pleased with the baby they gave up coming back to them. Also ensure your real parents (adoptive parents) understand why you’re doing it and that you still love them no matter what. Wishing you all the best luck OP and we’re here if you need someone to talk to Ads Do you mind me asking how old your daughter was when her mum told her that. If she had grown up with that knowledge then it wouldn't be as hard for her to take in." She was 9 she asked the question about her surname when she was about 3. What you said about being younger is truewhich is why I wanted to tell her then but her mum said no and back then I was very much controlled by her manipulations using seeing my kids against me. Ads | |||
"My daughter is not my biological daughter I got with her Mum when she was pregnant with her. The dad wanted nothing to do with her. In my eyes she was the most amazing little person I’d ever seen, and knew I’d protect her for the rest of my life. About a year and a half ago my ex decided to tell her I’m not her biological father. (I wanted to tell her years ago when she first asked why her and my son have different surnames). Which very much upset my daughter (she hasn’t been the same since). I’ve told her so many times I don’t care who donated their sperm she’s my little girl. I’ve told her if she wants to meet her biodad I’d support her no matter what. OP if you feel the need to meet your bio parents then that’s up to you the only advice I can give is they might not be pleased with the baby they gave up coming back to them. Also ensure your real parents (adoptive parents) understand why you’re doing it and that you still love them no matter what. Wishing you all the best luck OP and we’re here if you need someone to talk to Ads Do you mind me asking how old your daughter was when her mum told her that. If she had grown up with that knowledge then it wouldn't be as hard for her to take in. She was 9 she asked the question about her surname when she was about 3. What you said about being younger is truewhich is why I wanted to tell her then but her mum said no and back then I was very much controlled by her manipulations using seeing my kids against me. Ads" Not a nice person then,she just made it harder on her daughter by telling her when she was older. | |||
"My daughter is not my biological daughter I got with her Mum when she was pregnant with her. The dad wanted nothing to do with her. In my eyes she was the most amazing little person I’d ever seen, and knew I’d protect her for the rest of my life. About a year and a half ago my ex decided to tell her I’m not her biological father. (I wanted to tell her years ago when she first asked why her and my son have different surnames). Which very much upset my daughter (she hasn’t been the same since). I’ve told her so many times I don’t care who donated their sperm she’s my little girl. I’ve told her if she wants to meet her biodad I’d support her no matter what. OP if you feel the need to meet your bio parents then that’s up to you the only advice I can give is they might not be pleased with the baby they gave up coming back to them. Also ensure your real parents (adoptive parents) understand why you’re doing it and that you still love them no matter what. Wishing you all the best luck OP and we’re here if you need someone to talk to Ads" I was five when I found out, my whole world fell apart. I think it would have been easier in some ways if I had always known but, in other ways it would have made very little difference to how I felt. What will always be her issue is the feelings of abandonment and why. She will take it out on you because you are there. She's trying to come to terms with very adult issues with a child's perspective. There's a lot of adults still struggling, you only have to watch long lost families to realise it hurts no less and is no easier for a lot of grown ups. It was a thoughtless thing for your ex to do but, it's done. Give that little girl all the love and support you have to give, it might not be easy at times but her issues aren't with you even if you have to take some punishment for them. One day, even if she doesn't come to terms with her abandonment she will understand you and love you and appreciate everything you have done for her and never look at any other man as being her father. It's a good thing you are doing | |||
"My daughter is not my biological daughter I got with her Mum when she was pregnant with her. The dad wanted nothing to do with her. In my eyes she was the most amazing little person I’d ever seen, and knew I’d protect her for the rest of my life. About a year and a half ago my ex decided to tell her I’m not her biological father. (I wanted to tell her years ago when she first asked why her and my son have different surnames). Which very much upset my daughter (she hasn’t been the same since). I’ve told her so many times I don’t care who donated their sperm she’s my little girl. I’ve told her if she wants to meet her biodad I’d support her no matter what. OP if you feel the need to meet your bio parents then that’s up to you the only advice I can give is they might not be pleased with the baby they gave up coming back to them. Also ensure your real parents (adoptive parents) understand why you’re doing it and that you still love them no matter what. Wishing you all the best luck OP and we’re here if you need someone to talk to Ads I was five when I found out, my whole world fell apart. I think it would have been easier in some ways if I had always known but, in other ways it would have made very little difference to how I felt. What will always be her issue is the feelings of abandonment and why. She will take it out on you because you are there. She's trying to come to terms with very adult issues with a child's perspective. There's a lot of adults still struggling, you only have to watch long lost families to realise it hurts no less and is no easier for a lot of grown ups. It was a thoughtless thing for your ex to do but, it's done. Give that little girl all the love and support you have to give, it might not be easy at times but her issues aren't with you even if you have to take some punishment for them. One day, even if she doesn't come to terms with her abandonment she will understand you and love you and appreciate everything you have done for her and never look at any other man as being her father. It's a good thing you are doing "Oh yeh I’ll always be her daddy no matter who gets involved it just sucks I have to see her going through what she is going through Ads | |||
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"Do you know the reasons behind you being given for adoption? I know the reasons behind my daughter's and would advise her not to look for her parents and they weren't nice people. Yes I do and if it was me in their shoes I’d of said they totally took wrong descision " Thats in your opinion but they are also entitled to thiers . I dont believe children are ever given up easily and id make sure you have good support incase it doesnt go well if you do meet. Good luck op whatever you do but also remember that sometimes children are given up under circumstances that the parents are left with no choice. | |||
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"Not sure if this is right place to put this out there but here goes ... any else of u fabulous lot adopted n have u met ur biological parents ( sperm donors as I call them ) I know all my biological parents details etc n got loads of paperwork n the full details of my adoption n real name but do I contact them or not? I’m finally in the mindset of wanting to know who I really am n where I come from etc etc , don’t get me wrong I had a amazing upbringing with the most amazing parents who I love to bits but think it’s finally time I found out more about them ...I know they are still togethe n married but do I trybreach our n contact them or not n just leave it? " It won't change the upbringing that you had so why not. I would love to meet my real parents if I was adopted. I think I would write to them first and see what response I got and build up a relationship that way so it wasn't a total blind date scenario I hope you do and it turns out the way you want. I think you'll deeply regret it if you don't x | |||
"My daughter is not my biological daughter I got with her Mum when she was pregnant with her. The dad wanted nothing to do with her. In my eyes she was the most amazing little person I’d ever seen, and knew I’d protect her for the rest of my life. About a year and a half ago my ex decided to tell her I’m not her biological father. (I wanted to tell her years ago when she first asked why her and my son have different surnames). Which very much upset my daughter (she hasn’t been the same since). I’ve told her so many times I don’t care who donated their sperm she’s my little girl. I’ve told her if she wants to meet her biodad I’d support her no matter what. OP if you feel the need to meet your bio parents then that’s up to you the only advice I can give is they might not be pleased with the baby they gave up coming back to them. Also ensure your real parents (adoptive parents) understand why you’re doing it and that you still love them no matter what. Wishing you all the best luck OP and we’re here if you need someone to talk to Ads I was five when I found out, my whole world fell apart. I think it would have been easier in some ways if I had always known but, in other ways it would have made very little difference to how I felt. What will always be her issue is the feelings of abandonment and why. She will take it out on you because you are there. She's trying to come to terms with very adult issues with a child's perspective. There's a lot of adults still struggling, you only have to watch long lost families to realise it hurts no less and is no easier for a lot of grown ups. It was a thoughtless thing for your ex to do but, it's done. Give that little girl all the love and support you have to give, it might not be easy at times but her issues aren't with you even if you have to take some punishment for them. One day, even if she doesn't come to terms with her abandonment she will understand you and love you and appreciate everything you have done for her and never look at any other man as being her father. It's a good thing you are doing
Oh yeh I’ll always be her daddy no matter who gets involved it just sucks I have to see her going through what she is going through
Ads"You're there, it's all you can do and all you need to do for her to get through it. | |||
"Only other adopted people will truly be able to understand the thoughts and feelings you carry with you throughout your life as an adopted person. If you haven't been through it, you will never totally understand. The only people that can answer your questions are your birth parents. It's difficult going through life believing you are a loveable person when, the two people in the world that should love you unconditionally, give you away as a baby. It caused me a lot of problems as a teen-ager and as I got older I blocked it as best I could, there's no escaping birthdays though! When I had my own children, I started to think about it more and more. When I held my first baby in my arms, one of the first thoughts I had as I held him to me was, how? How could anyone feel so unattached or so desperate that they could give up something so beautiful and precious. I have just read this with my 2 little ones cuddling into me and it brought tears to my eyes. Sorry!" Please don't be sorry! I was very moved by your story. I was not adopted but I have my own issues with feeling abandoned by my father followed by more issues with my step father. I also watched my step children go through horrendous times due to their mother walking out on them and you managed to capture all those feelings in one post far better than I could have done. I held on to my two babies a little tighter while reading this, and others stories, so thank you for sharing | |||
"Sorry! Please don't be sorry! I was very moved by your story. I was not adopted but I have my own issues with feeling abandoned by my father followed by more issues with my step father. I also watched my step children go through horrendous times due to their mother walking out on them and you managed to capture all those feelings in one post far better than I could have done. I held on to my two babies a little tighter while reading this, and others stories, so thank you for sharing" A pleasure! So many people have stories like ours, it's such a shame the baggage some people have to carry through life. But, we are who we are and it is possible to take back control by making the right choices and having the right influences and support around us. What doesn't kill me will make me stronger! The things some grown ups put children through. I've always questioned the logic behind the idea of respecting someone purely based on age. It doesn't make someone nice or mean they get automatic forgiveness. This Be The Verse BY PHILIP LARKIN They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself. I don't agree with the last line but the rest rings true for a lot of people! | |||
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"My eldest sister who was adopted at birth came into my life 3 years ago. It was one of the best things that's happened to both of us. Sadly too late for her to meet our birth mum but still it's a great feeling when you meet a family member and hit it off. Obviously it can go the other way and if you're prepared for that possibility and can handle it emotionally what have you got to lose?" It's a shame things didn't work out for me with everyone but such is life...highs, lows and, heavenly blows! I love having a brother to have a pint with though and a connection to my roots. Made it all worthwhile for me! | |||
"Not sure if this is right place to put this out there but here goes ... any else of u fabulous lot adopted n have u met ur biological parents ( sperm donors as I call them ) I know all my biological parents details etc n got loads of paperwork n the full details of my adoption n real name but do I contact them or not? I’m finally in the mindset of wanting to know who I really am n where I come from etc etc , don’t get me wrong I had a amazing upbringing with the most amazing parents who I love to bits but think it’s finally time I found out more about them ...I know they are still togethe n married but do I trybreach our n contact them or not n just leave it? My daughter searched for her father and found him. Hes married with two children. The first meet went great but he didnt tell his wife so when she found out she made bim choose. He choose his family and again abandoned my daughter. This traumatised her and she was heartbroken. She has never seen him since. Shes now martied eith two children his loss. So please think very carefully. I asked him to think before he decided to see her and said if you csnt promise her a relationship with you dnt do it. He said He could but his wife said differently. But whatever you choose to do. Good luck OP " Your Ex and his wife are pathetic she is better off without them | |||
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"If it wasn’t for my illness I wouldn’t of bothered but I need to know things As you never answered my earlier question, is it hereditary? " Yes it is | |||
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"Thank you to each and everyone of u that has posted on this thread and privately messaged me , I recived all the paper work today with my real name birth weigh etc etc n all the paperwork regarding my birth n parents n grandparents it’s been a tough read reading about a baby that’s called something totally different n then realised that baby was me , I’m going to take more professional help before I make the final descision of do I meet them or not , it’s so hard but thank you all x" It's definitely an odd one finding out the name of the person you could have been! Glad you have decided to go through the proper professional channels. You had no choice over the past but you're in control of your future. Try and enjoy the journey. One top tip... keep a pen and paper somewhere and, every time you think of a question, write it down. If you decide to meet, take it with you. You may only get one chance. Good luck and, if you feel up to it, let us know how it goes | |||
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"Thank you to each and everyone of u that has posted on this thread and privately messaged me , I recived all the paper work today with my real name birth weigh etc etc n all the paperwork regarding my birth n parents n grandparents it’s been a tough read reading about a baby that’s called something totally different n then realised that baby was me , I’m going to take more professional help before I make the final descision of do I meet them or not , it’s so hard but thank you all x It's definitely an odd one finding out the name of the person you could have been! Glad you have decided to go through the proper professional channels. You had no choice over the past but you're in control of your future. Try and enjoy the journey. One top tip... keep a pen and paper somewhere and, every time you think of a question, write it down. If you decide to meet, take it with you. You may only get one chance. Good luck and, if you feel up to it, let us know how it goes "Thank you so much means a lot x | |||
"Sorry if repeating anyone as Ive not read the whole thread. The fact that you are asking the question is maybe an indication that you need some answers? Maybe don't contact them initially but find out about them. Then if it feels right take it further. One of the best places to start could be facebook if they or people they know have an account? Good luck hope it works out for you" I don’t do face book but thanks anyway x | |||
"I’m not adopted so in many ways don’t feel I have a right to an opinion. But wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been open and honest about their experiences. Many of you I wish I could reach out and give you a hug and take the pain away. And OP I wish you all the best whatever you decide. All I would say is please make sure you have the appropriate support in place to help you manage the psychological impact this will have on you however you however it pans out. I have a very strong idea of what I would do in your shoes, but I’m not and it’s such an important and personal decision only you can work out what’s the right thing to do. Best of luck with it all. xxx" Thank u xx | |||
"It sounds like you had a lovely childhood, as my sister did. She was very lucky, adopted and taken to Cornwall, they also adopted a little boy. She conracted me through fb, my other sister had already met her but not told me (I loath her for that) but they didn't get on. Anyway I sat on it for a while and messaged her, what is weird about that is it was the day her adopted brother died! She told me that when we met for the first time and I went cold, she knew it was meant to be because of that. She had a dog who's name was my maiden name spookily! Don't rush into anything if you're not sure just yet but as I said earlier you have nothing to lose. Best of luck to you "Oh I’m sorry to hear that , but hope u n her now have a connection n have got through the hard times x | |||
"If you’re satisfied with the family you have and you love them dearly then you have nothing to lose by meeting the biological ones. You’re not seeking love or a family but it will satisfy your curiosity and close the chapter. Maybe just meet the mum, if I knew my dad didn’t want to know me then my attitude would be “well fuck him”." Yeah I agree I don’t want to meet him or fuck all to do with him n I’ve made it clear x | |||
"It's a decision no one can make/advise you on as all we can offer is anecdotal advise. Ask yourself why the need now. Could you cope with rejection again. That said, watching Long Lost Families the biological parents almost always feel reluctant to make first contact as they feel guilty and fear rejection too. Thank you x My two pennies worh: send a letter with your contact details, saying you had a happy life but would like to know the people who made that possible...something along those lines. Good luck with it. " | |||
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"I’m going to wait til I’m on leave in 10 days n then take bull by horns n sort this one way or another , from what contact / physcologist N social worker my biological mother wants to meet me but her husband ( biological father ) dosent , that makes it harder being rejected again he’s obviously no morals or feeings or explanations so guess better off without knowing him." Sounds like a good plan. Don't write your birth father off completely, keep an open mind and wait until you've spoken to your birth mother then, you will have a better insight into what is going on. That generation of men aren't very good with emotions and talking about them and dealing with them. It might not have anything to do with you and, certainly is no reflection on you as a person. It might be more to do with him struggling to face up to his mistake, his own self loathing, fear, guilt...who knows? Keep an open mind and, be prepared to forgive. You never know, after you meet your birth mother and she's gone home and told him all about you and, he's seen a photo, and he's been reassured that you are a nice person and that you don't hold any grudges, he may start to change his mind! Be the grown up and take the moral high ground...burning bridges is never a good idea! Wait to hear what your birth mother has to say about him and why he feels like that first, before you cast a final judgement and lock the doors on him. The adoption reunion handbook by Liz Grinder, Julia Feast and David Howe. Published by John Wiley and sons Ltd. ISBN 0-470-09422-2 is an interesting useful book to read and I would highly recommend it. It's not one of those big difficult books if you know what I mean. That was important for me as I am mildly dyslexic. | |||
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