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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Hello,
If you suspected that you may (on a subconcious level) be continuously picking people who are unsuitable for you with regard to relationships (be that romantic or otherwise) and it was having a negative effect on you, would you consider seeking professional help/guidance on such matters as to why you keep doing it?
Maybe you’ve gone down the self-help book route?
If you have tried either, did it work? Any recommendations?
Or are you of the opinion that you need to just give your head a wobble and crack on with things - People make bad choices, we live, we learn sort of thing.
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I think if someone is constantly making choices that turn out to be bad, then some jinn isn’t right because most relationships and people have ups and downs and you’d hope and expect the ups to outnumber the downs. It might be you sabataging yourself. Who knows? I’d not waste money on professional help, I’d try and analyze things myself. |
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When i was younger i always picked men that treated me like shit. This esculated into me being in an extremely violent relationship. I swore it would never happen again. This was 30 years ago so no internet or therapy groups
I bought some psycology books and learnt to understand why i ended up with those type of guys
It was really difficult to break the cycle but once done i never ended up in that type of relationship again. My partner now is the polar opposite of what i went for in my younger years |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"I think if someone is constantly making choices that turn out to be bad, then some jinn isn’t right because most relationships and people have ups and downs and you’d hope and expect the ups to outnumber the downs. It might be you sabataging yourself. Who knows? I’d not waste money on professional help, I’d try and analyze things myself. "
Thanks for the reply Steve |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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"When i was younger i always picked men that treated me like shit. This esculated into me being in an extremely violent relationship. I swore it would never happen again. This was 30 years ago so no internet or therapy groups
I bought some psycology books and learnt to understand why i ended up with those type of guys
It was really difficult to break the cycle but once done i never ended up in that type of relationship again. My partner now is the polar opposite of what i went for in my younger years"
Glad to hear it’s been positive! I’ll have to look at some books |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I’m a definite advocate of therapy, it’s not always possible to self analyse however adept you maybe at helping others to see their patterns, we have blind spots in our self awareness for many reasons. Also a professional has the skills to not project their own agenda or stuff in a way that friends and family are also intertwined or biased so it gives a neutral space to hold some learning. I also think it’s useful in terms of giving a boundaried space to work on some things but with edges to stop over ruminating (unhelpful) as the time is ringfenced and also good as it having the time set makes there a need to ensure work and thinking on things to stop avoidance (unhelpful). So I think it’s a useful tool to try especially if it’s something you think you need to do some work on. Finding a therapist that you find helpful takes a bit of work and it’s important to try a few out and see who you respond to. And ensure they are signed up to codes of practice, so you understand what their training is and how they assure their knowledge and quality - it’s not an extensively regulated industry and there are some charlatans either with intent or just wild boundaries. However there are excellent therapists out there and a range of methodologies that it’s so worth exploring even for a specific timeframe to discuss a set issue with no intention of doing it longer beyond working through that one thing.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I personally need to understand the mechanism of my own and other people's behaviour in order to be able to move on and to not do the same mistakes.
I have developed over the years an peculiar analytical and critical mind, whatever, I am reading, although it makes all the sense in the world, I need to back it up with scientific facts so I therefore prefer to read scientific studies rather than so called self help book. (Now it depends on the subject and who wrote it)
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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As it has been mentioned above a therapist may help but you have to be aware of the implant of false memory.
Therapists are well known to get you to face the so called repressed memory you had in the past but several studies, such as the one of Elizabeth Loftus, proved that it is easy to implant memory into people's mind.
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"As it has been mentioned above a therapist may help but you have to be aware of the implant of false memory.
Therapists are well known to get you to face the so called repressed memory you had in the past but several studies, such as the one of Elizabeth Loftus, proved that it is easy to implant memory into people's mind.
"
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Not all attraction to the "wrong" person is formed on the basis of a repressed memory.
It can be due to many things including enviromental factors as a child. Self help books are that. Self help. Sone are great some not so great. Same goes for scientific studies. Some are useful some are not.
Its dependant on you and how open you are to the cycle of change. At some point each and everyone of us has experianced a negative relationship. Wether thats a romatic one or not. How do you respond to work based relationships? Famliy members etc. Is it diffrent to these negative ones you speak about?
Ps sorry my spelling is terrible 1 i am dyslexic 2 my screen is smashed and have trouble seeing my errors.  |
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"I personally need to understand the mechanism of my own and other people's behaviour in order to be able to move on and to not do the same mistakes.
I have developed over the years an peculiar analytical and critical mind.....
"
That's the crucial part to my mind - a curious mind that wants to understand the patterns and biases in one's life, and of those of significance around you.
It's a fascinating subject and I am always hoping to improve my experience of this life and happiness by increasing my understanding. I will happily consider information from any source, but it's good to have someone grounded to discuss things with at least. |
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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Thanks for all your responses!
Blanche has really struck upon what I think my problem is. I over ruminate and turn it inward. I then over analyse their behaviour and that just gets exhausting.
Obviously there is more to it though.
It tends to just be romantic relationships. I get on well with work colleagues and I only have my mum and children left out of my family as everyone else has passed away.
Some avenues to look into, thanks all |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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Stephen Ilardi's book The Depression Cure is interesting in that it looks at six areas:
1. Omega 3 fats.
2. “Anti-rumination” strategies.
3. Exercise.
4. Sunlight exposure.
5. Social connection.
6. A good night’s sleep.
It’s worth a read. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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"Stephen Ilardi's book The Depression Cure is interesting in that it looks at six areas:
1. Omega 3 fats.
2. “Anti-rumination” strategies.
3. Exercise.
4. Sunlight exposure.
5. Social connection.
6. A good night’s sleep.
It’s worth a read."
He did a TED talk too. |
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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago
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I used to be a terrible over thinker...
I was referred for councelling by my gp and she tried a number of strategies with me..
I no longer overthink anything ..
Lifes just too short to worry about a situation you have no way of changing |
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