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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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As always these are my ramblings and are not aimed at any one thing or anyone. I see on here writings about how a good relationship should work and they all go along the same lines.
Open and honesty is the key, but a lot of the time they don’t look at what that really means.
Now i have been in some loving relationships that have natutally come to an end, some have ended due to other reasons and some where a total shit storm. But what I have always done is rerun it in my head over and over to see what i would of changed and what my responsability is in it all. Then I try and learn from it.
So open and honest communication. What is it really.
“I am hungry I want a Pizza” is open and honest but not necessary a foundation of a strong dynamic or relationship.
So first lets through it in the air a bit and let’s change open to meaningful. If you cannot talk to your partner about the subjects that are of real importance. ie. Your needs, wants, fears, insecurities etc. then it does not matter how open you are it will not work in the long term.
So Open communication becomes Meaningful Communication that leaves us with the whole minefield that is honesty.
I agree that honesty is very important. It’s one of the most important aspects of a relationship. However, we must ask ourselves, “What do we mean when we say that we want honesty from another person?” Most people mean that they want someone who “won’t lie to them” “Cheat” or “keep secrets,” but the question of honesty goes beyond this.
If you want honesty you need to grow a dynamic that you may not like, you need to encourage that you both are honest in areas like “what makes them unhappy”, “what you both feel the other does or doesn’t bring to the relationship, “things you both would change”
The issue with honesty is there are many reasons why we don’t shared how we feel. Some of us don’t want to hurt our partner, while others worry about the reaction they will receive. Some feel “what’s the point it will not change anything.”
But I think the biggest fear is that if we share something with our partner that is unpleasant, that this honesty can lead to disconnection and as such the end of a relationship.
The truth is that it takes courage to give honesty to those we love, and it may be even harder to receive that honesty. But growth in a relationship occurs when we are open to providing feedback to each other.
We also need to understand that blame and accusations are not honesty. Giving and receiving honest feedback is a process that needs time, love, and nurturing.
So now some ideas that may help you build the sort of environment that will create a strong relationship or dynamic.
Find the Right Time. As with anything timing is a main priority, if you have a difficult conversation or heavy conversation you don’t want to have to rush it, give each other time so you can hear both sides and look at ways forward.
Acknowledge your role in it all. We find it easy to put the blame on others when things go wrong but to stand up and say shit i really should have ...
Talk Face to Face. Avoid talking about serious matters or issues in Text messages, letters and emails can be misinterpreted. Talk in person so there aren’t any unnecessary miscommunications.
If you’re having trouble collecting your thoughts, consider writing them down ahead of time and reading them out loud to your partner.
Do Not Attack. Even when we mean well, we can sometimes come across as harsh because of our word choice. The I statement is good for tackling this, don’t use you did this you did that, try I felt like this I that like that.
Use the 48 Hour Rule. If your partner does something that makes you angry, you need to tell them about it. But you don’t have to do so right away. If you’re still hurt 48 hours later, say something. If not, consider forgetting about it.
Know yourself and your intentions. To be honest with someone else, we must know ourselves. We have to understand what we really think and feel about the world around us. When we are true to ourselves in this way, we are better able to be honest with the people around us.
Make your actions match your words. Often, relationships lose their spark when couples replace substance with form. Things like saying “I love you” or doing certain things together become a matter of routine instead of lively choices that emerge from how we really feel.
An illusion of connection that replaces real, loving ways of relating—we often begin to feel distant from our partner or lose interest. We may start making excuses for pulling away or we may still talk of being in love while not engaging in behaviors that are loving toward our partner.
To avoid this dishonest way of relating, it’s important to always act with integrity and to make our actions match our words.
Be sincere about your reactions. Not everything we feel in a relationship will be warm and fuzzy. Yet being honest and direct with someone we love doesn’t mean we have to be hurtful or cruel. When we aren’t open with our partner about what we feel and observe, we may grow cynical or start building a case against them that actually distorts and exaggerates their flaws.
Be open to feedback. If you want to be open and honest with your partner, you need to make sure they feel that they can be with you. This means you have to allow them to put forwards their concerns etc. It’s important not to be defensive, reactive, or punishing for feedback.
As always, remember that this is very hard work, so be kind to yourself, as well, in this very challenging relational work! |
